kgal Posted April 3, 2004 Share Posted April 3, 2004 It's been over 2 months. I broke up with a man I loved very much. He loved me.. but he broke it off after I wrote him saying we should.. but at the last minute I still wanted to stay together.. For those of you who don't know by now.. we broke up because his family would not accept me. They are muslims and they want their son to be w/a muslim .. not me.. a Christian. Then.. my family is like, "How could you be with a muslim? You would be denying Jesus." But.. I wouldn't... I would never deny Jesus and I just love this guy.. I can't help it. God knows I love him and I know he doesn't hate me for that.. it's just that now I feel so terrible cuz I can't see him anymore.. or even have a normal friendship w/him. Anyways... it's been all this time.... since we said goodbye... I never got really upset.. I was too hurt than anything else. I just begged him to stay but he didn't change his mind. I guess that tells me right there that perhaps I've loved in vain. I don't know... He left and I left and ever since we've been emailing here and there. I guess I've had it harder.. since I really can't stand to wait in between our emails.. which he'll wait like 5 or 10 days before ever writing me. Again, this should tell me something! Well.. it's just been hard to stop loving him... even though he's treated me like cr@p so many times. I just have known him since I was 15 (I'm now 23) and we didn't start dating until last year... before that we were real good friends. I just don't understand how he could be my good friend... always there for me.. after all these years.. a family friend you could say.. and then lover... and now.... it's like.... he's not there when I want him there. I've felt like maybe I'm just trying to control him.. cuz I get upset when he doesn't write or act like he still cares. I've thought about the no contact.. I guess it would be easier.. but I wouldn't want to do that forever.. maybe just until I feel I'm over him completely... because the thought of not having him here hurts.. but it hurts now... and I don't know.... ughhhhghhghghg.... I just don't want to think of that option. I would rather just take a few months off and try that out first. So.......... I've lately felt the need to write and tell him everything that's on my mind.. from start to finish.. but I resist. Will I ruin our future friendship??? Will I regret it later??? I hold back because I know in the morning I will be like,, "Hmm.. why did I write him that... I feel so dumb".. but then at night I get all down and depressed and I feel the same like I do now.. where I just want to write. Ugh... so that's why I come here.... to vent. I thought one or two posts ago I would be through with the venting and I had it all out.. but I guess I was wrong. I'd rather just write here then write him right now. I don't know.. maybe I need more time. I guess I could just take the time I need... probably just not even tell him I want no contact.. and nonchalantly write when I feel like it.. and all that jazz... since he really doesn't contact me a whole lot.. it's just the matter of letting him know how this has all made me feel.... like .. it's really hurt me. I guess .. I don't know.. I sound confused because I am. I don't even really know how he feels... and I can't even call his house.. cuz of his folks. That just sounds like a stupid excuse to me now that I think about it.. gosh.. why do I love someone who treats me this way? He doesn't even come running after me and tell me he can't stand not being w/me.. why wouldn't he do this.. unless he wasn't in love. I just don't understand. I really need some help. Link to post Share on other sites
vicky1412 Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 hi, I am no expert here but hope this will help Dont you just hate it when people dont accept you because of your religion or race. God I despise people who do that, its so unfair. Anyway it sounds a lot like you are undecided about which move to take where this guy is concerned. Give yourself some time and think real long and hard, go on a little vacation or trip somewhere where you can be in a relaxed environment and just relax and think about what is right for you. When you decide how you feel and what you need to say then by all means get it of your mind and let all these feelings out. It will only destroy you if you keep it inside. You need to let this guy know how much he has impacted on your life, both good and bad and maybe you will feel a little better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kgal Posted April 4, 2004 Author Share Posted April 4, 2004 Originally posted by vicky1412 hi, I am no expert here but hope this will help Dont you just hate it when people dont accept you because of your religion or race. God I despise people who do that, its so unfair. Anyway it sounds a lot like you are undecided about which move to take where this guy is concerned. Give yourself some time and think real long and hard, go on a little vacation or trip somewhere where you can be in a relaxed environment and just relax and think about what is right for you. When you decide how you feel and what you need to say then by all means get it of your mind and let all these feelings out. It will only destroy you if you keep it inside. You need to let this guy know how much he has impacted on your life, both good and bad and maybe you will feel a little better. Thanks Vicky. I appreciate your reply. I am planning to go on vacation fairly soon here.. but I've felt the urge to get it out sooner.. I don't know.. maybe I should wait and give myself some perspective .. but knowing me.. I might not be able to. I just can't wait until I get this all out and he knows how I feel... instead of having it eat at me all the time. Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
shellen Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 hi kgal... u noe..what u are going through now is exactly what ive felt when i broke up with my ex.. maybe he just does not want to contact u so much because he wants to help u forget him? Have you considered converting to Islam for him? If you are not willing to compromise on that, then I guess there is really no other way out. Think about how important he is to you. Are u willing to sacrifice ur faith for him? Because if u think he is that important to you then u should let him know... not until he has met someone else, by then even if u are willing to convert for him it may be too late. (yup..speaking from own experience and still feeling very regretful). Link to post Share on other sites
average guy Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 I think the important thing here is that he agrees with his family - putting religeon above love - which means basically putting his family above you. This is not a person you want to be with - you should be the center of his life! I hope you find someone who will treat properly with the respect you deserve! A.G. Link to post Share on other sites
shellen Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 i think it means that he puts god above love. And it is debatable if this is right. I mean to me I would think that it is not right to judge a person by his or her religion or race, but then again if he is just following his religion can I say he is doing something wrong? His family wants him to marry a muslim because that is what Islam requires and he probably knows that that is the right thing that a muslim should do.I think it all boils down to how religious you are and how far u adhere to its beliefs and practices. But I really think it is sad that so many couples are broken up because of religion. Should not religion be something that celebrates love amongst other things, but why has it unwittingly becomes the slayer to love? Link to post Share on other sites
uriel Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 kgal, This guy already knows how you feel. He knows you love him, knows you're hurting, and is avoiding more regular contact because he's trying to end the romantic connection. I doubt that's easy for him. But, he's having to make a choice between you and his family. People in their 20s tend to choose family in such cases, unless there's a history of trouble / abuse. The parents are still a very powerful force. He doesn't want to disappoint them. Then, too, I don't know if you were serious enough to talk about marriage, but that's a real concern. If you were to have children, would they be muslim or christian? How would his family react? How would yours? Logically, he must be thinking that there's no future when the very fundamentals of the relationship don't match up. It's not just God and doctrine, but also holiday celebrations, religious observances, childhood education and culture. I'll go so far as to all but guarantee this guy still cares about you. That doesn't mean he's coming back. This is just too much pressure for him to handle. He's backing off in the hope that he can get over it and move on. He doesn't want to give you false encouragement or to tempt himself. There's nothing you can do to make him decide that his family, faith, and the impact of these differences on any future he might have with you don't matter as much as your love. Given all that's against you, he'd have to be very sure of himself and of your relationship as his top priority -- enough to risk the rest -- in order to make the relationship stick. That doesn't mean he might not have a lapse or two. It could happen, and it could hurt like hell. But, I doubt he'll come back for good, given how deeply his doubts have already affected your relationship. Save yourself some very extended grief. Stop contact until you heal. Let him know that at some future point, you might be able to correspond and possibly resume a friendship. Tell him very simply that it hurts to much right now. Then, truly, start moving on, a little bit more every day. If he should, somehow, break down and come back to you on his own, take it slow. Remember what I said about those lapses. Will he have any staying power once the pressure's back on? How hard is it going to be to say good-bye again, after all those wounds are reopened and hopes are renewed? Be careful! -- uriel Link to post Share on other sites
Author kgal Posted April 5, 2004 Author Share Posted April 5, 2004 Well thankyou all for the replies and input.... I think what he really needs is just time..and I'm going to give it to him...because I love him. No matter how much it hurts...I love him enough to let him have his space and I feel thats best for now. I do hope with my whole heart that he will still be my friend... because I miss him so much..and his friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
shellen Posted April 6, 2004 Share Posted April 6, 2004 I wish u all the best kgal and I wish you will find your happiness soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kgal Posted April 6, 2004 Author Share Posted April 6, 2004 Thankyou Shellen... I can relate on some level w/you and I think we both need to laugh these guys off... haha. Well.. I know we deserve better! I mean.. it's their loss I guess....... I'm always hoping for a miracle and I know I just have to take one day at a time and do what's best for ME. I forgot about ME .. I guess I kinda gave him a huge chunk of my heart here.. and I forgot about my happiness too. Well... I'm not going to stress over it anymore...it's not worth it. Take Care Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts