Seeking validation

[Silly_Girl]

There seems to be a lot of talk on the forum that if a poster is not seeking support, or being disparaging about those involved in affairs, then their discussion threads should be considered to be 'seeking validation'.

 

Because I don't understand which posts are being referred to, or WHY it's being said, I am genuinely interested in posters showing me. I may not agree as to the reasoning, but at the moment I literally have no clue as to why it's being said.

 

And it would be lovely if responses weren't typical smart-ass one-liners; I'm looking to engage sincerely and widen my horizons here. This isn't a mickey-take. Links to posts, and quotes, would be appreciated.

[26pointblue]

There seems to be a lot of talk on the forum that if a poster is not seeking support, or being disparaging about those involved in affairs, then their discussion threads should be considered to be 'seeking validation'.

 

Because I don't understand which posts are being referred to, or WHY it's being said, I am genuinely interested in posters showing me. I may not agree as to the reasoning, but at the moment I literally have no clue as to why it's being said.

 

And it would be lovely if responses weren't typical smart-ass one-liners; I'm looking to engage sincerely and widen my horizons here. This isn't a mickey-take. Links to posts, and quotes, would be appreciated.

 

I've been pretty much told I shouldn't be here because I don't need 'support.' I said I was here for the 'discussion.' It turns out I need 'support' in certain areas as well - I guess I just didn't know I did at first. But even if I didn't need any support, I still feel I am rightfully here. To support other OWs & to discuss my situation & theirs. It's all in my 'hi from a happy OW' thread if you're interested.

 

I also know of a thread by Bouey [don't know what happened to her - I think she stopped posting] called 'Double Trouble' or something like that, where many many posters told her she shouldn't be here if she doesn't need support or advice, & accusing her of just being here to brag [i didn't read her posts like that at all -- a bit confused & conflicted, sure, but not bragging].

[Silly_Girl]

I've been pretty much told I shouldn't be here because I don't need 'support.' I said I was here for the 'discussion.' It turns out I need 'support' in certain areas as well - I guess I just didn't know I did at first. But even if I didn't need any support, I still feel I am rightfully here. To support other OWs & to discuss my situation & theirs. It's all in my 'hi from a happy OW' thread if you're interested.

 

Hey, I've read your thread. Glad you don't feel inclined to leave.

[26pointblue]

Hey, I've read your thread. Glad you don't feel inclined to leave.

 

If I had come here for validation, I would have left. I don't think anyone should expect anyone on the Internet to validate their own actions & choices! Nor do I think it's right [or productive] of people to come here & attack my choices in a forum that's supposed to be for me, just because they don't agree with them. But overall I have met great people & engaged in meaningful dialogue, so, here I am! :-)

[Owl]

If I had come here for validation, I would have left. I don't think anyone should expect anyone on the Internet to validate their own actions & choices! Nor do I think it's right [or productive] of people to come here & attack my choices in a forum that's supposed to be for me, just because they don't agree with them. But overall I have met great people & engaged in meaningful dialogue, so, here I am! :-)

 

Overall, I completely agree with what this post basically has to say.

 

Don't expect others to validate you or your choices. (Others will always form their own views and opinions of those actions, and like anyone are free to post those here on LS, as long as it's done in a respectful manner that doesn't violate the TOS).

 

Don't accept personal attacks (they are clearly not acceptable under the TOS).

 

I'm glad you've met some good people, engaged in dialogue, and hopefully found some true support along the way.

 

I will tell you that my opinion is that MOST people either come here for support in some fashion or another...or they come to troll. There are the rare minority posters...it happens.

 

But most people come for a REASON...those that don't either haven't thought through enough to understand why they posted (such as yourself, but after some thought you've realized you did need some support), or are here just for entertainment.

[BB07]

If I had come here for validation, I would have left. I don't think anyone should expect anyone on the Internet to validate their own actions & choices! Nor do I think it's right [or productive] of people to come here & attack my choices in a forum that's supposed to be for me, just because they don't agree with them. But overall I have met great people & engaged in meaningful dialogue, so, here I am! :-)

 

 

I'm glad you are still hanging out too........you are obviously very intelligent and a deep thinker.

 

 

Back to the subject matter......I think deep inside we all crave a bit of validation but it's what others see as excessive or totally off the wall that gets people's blood pressure up.

 

Personally I don't see many posts as a means to get validation but it's just my opinion.

[26pointblue]

Overall, I completely agree with what this post basically has to say.

 

Don't expect others to validate you or your choices. (Others will always form their own views and opinions of those actions, and like anyone are free to post those here on LS, as long as it's done in a respectful manner that doesn't violate the TOS).

 

Don't accept personal attacks (they are clearly not acceptable under the TOS).

 

I'm glad you've met some good people, engaged in dialogue, and hopefully found some true support along the way.

 

I will tell you that my opinion is that MOST people either come here for support in some fashion or another...or they come to troll. There are the rare minority posters...it happens.

 

But most people come for a REASON...those that don't either haven't thought through enough to understand why they posted (such as yourself, but after some thought you've realized you did need some support), or are here just for entertainment.

 

I guess at first I thought it was like the Dating forum . . . people that come there aren't looking to get OUT of dating, or have any problems with dating, but there is something particular that came up while they were on a dating or dating a certain person, etc., that they would like to talk about, and that is the REASON they come there . . . to share experience & gather other peoples' opinions who are also dating, but NOT necessarily because they want to change what they are doing [dating] or because they want to open themselves up to attack from people who think that what they are doing [dating] is wrong.

 

And with a forum designed specifically for OW/OMs, who aren't always able to discuss their relationships with other people in real life because they are often taboo & frowned upon [for good reason, yes], I thought it would be a place where OWs & OMs were free to share details of their relationships & the ups & downs that they face, etc. So I didn't know it was a place where people came only if they needed to get out of it or needed support in terms of coping with it . . . that was not my expectation at all . . . & I also didn't expect there to be people who came to the forum just to be nasty & throw stones. My friend who directed me there said I would see that most people encounter problems in their affairs & that most turn out badly [which I already knew from my own IRL affair, ha!], but I thought I would read that in terms of everyone posting their stories & this is the good stuff & this is the bad stuff . . . NOT in terms of people coming here saying 'please help me get out of this horrible situation I regret ever getting into, & my exMM is now a nasty monster because we were caught,' etc.

 

And now that I'm here I don't see that that is the point or practice of the forum based on many threads I've read, but, I know that you & others have been here a lot longer than me so if you say it's that way & that people come here either because there's a problem with their affair or because they want to stir up trouble, I'll defer to your experience :-), but I just think that is really sad. I feel that this forum could offer so much more. Yes, it could help people who are ending their affairs voluntarily or involuntarily but it could also be a place for people to just talk about their relationship with their MM or MW. That is what I am making this forum for me even if that's not what it currently is. Because as I have talked about my relationship with MM, I have had good conversations with other people & have been asked thought-provoking questions & in general I have learned & grown already, it feels like. :-) Which to me is what a good message board should help one do.

[26pointblue]

I'm glad you are still hanging out too........you are obviously very intelligent and a deep thinker.

 

 

Back to the subject matter......I think deep inside we all crave a bit of validation but it's what others see as excessive or totally off the wall that gets people's blood pressure up.

 

Personally I don't see many posts as a means to get validation but it's just my opinion.

 

Aww thank you BB07. I think you are also very intelligent & a deep thinker! I always enjoy reading your posts.

 

And I agree with you that not many posters want validation. At least not from what I've seen so far.

[highviolet]

I'm a noob to LS, and when I posted my first threads, I got a lot of responses that I felt were along the same lines, like they thought I just wanted a pat on the back, but I wasn't, I really was looking for opinions and thoughts on my situation, positive, negative, whatever. I ended up really learning a lot and got a lot of what I needed. I think the most negative posters got to me because I felt like they assumed that I just wanted validation, when in reality I was asking an earnest question.

[Jane Deaux]

I've seen the word validation several times recently as well. And I understand why people may think that way. If you are doing something that is socially unacceptable and you are not looking for a way out, but for questions to help you, in a sense, KEEP doing it, they may perceive this as an attempt to be "validated".

I also was not posting on this site to be validated. In my first post, I was confused and a mess. I wanted answers. I wanted experience. But I certainly didn't need validation for what I was doing. It didn't matter to me if someone said, "Bravo, good job on your affair" or "You are the root of all evil". I'm a grown woman, and my mind was set for what I wanted I just needed advice. And that is also what I thought this forum was for. I still think it is. I just think other stuff gets thrown in the mix and thats okay. Hey, if nothing else, it sure keeps it interesting! So yes, I can see how some people who don't agree with affairs would think that because we weren't looking for advice to get out of the affair, and instead just wanted to discuss it or get advice to go about it, then they see us as needing validation to make it right in our minds. As if we need someone on an internet forum to tell us it's not taboo and it's perfectly okay to do it. Well, no, it's not socially acceptable and it's very taboo and most of us are well aware of that. We know its wrong and I wouldn't dream of wanting someone to tell me it's not wrong or that anyone "approves" per se. That would be going the opposite direction of the "haters" and going to the other extreme. Which is also not productive and I would also ignore those posts. I mean really, can you imagine anyone on here saying to us "Hey good job, I am so happy for you that you are doing this. You've embarked on a journey that will bring you nothing but happiness". lol. ummm, no. That's bonkers.

[jwi71]

Been away a bit (life).

Wanted to see if I could provoke a discussion here - at least until it degenerates into something resembling your local political rally. Or maybe I aim too high....

 

First you say this:

 

but NOT necessarily because they want to change what they are doing [dating] or because they want to open themselves up to attack from people who think that what they are doing [dating] is wrong.

 

Which implies that your position is that persons come here to post "for support" and NOT be attacked by those that believe their choices are wrong.

 

But then you say this:

 

And with a forum designed specifically for OW/OMs, who aren't always able to discuss their relationships with other people in real life because they are often taboo & frowned upon [for good reason, yes],

 

This, to me, implies that the posters already KNOW their behavior is, to the masses, frowned upon.

 

And I immediately think - well, if the poster (an OW for example) KNOWS that society frowns upon her R with "her MM"...then why is she surprised by negative responses ONLINE? Isn't this to be expected since, well, she is engaging in behavior which at least a plurality finds reprehensible?

 

I think, and this idea is admittedly embryonic only having conjured it up mere minutes ago, that the value of this forum is NOT support OR discussion.

 

Its anonymity.

 

Too many times, and you refer to it yourself, the AP has NO ONE to confide in. To talk too because this behavior is, per the masses, bad. And who wants to confide in willful, premeditated "anti-social" behavior? What might this person, the confidant, think of me?

 

There is also value in speaking with others who are far more traveled down the roads of affairdom. Experience - and all of it hard earned.

 

Hiding behind glowing LCD monitors, posters, isolated even from FAMILY, post looking for advice on how to return to a life BEFORE the A (in a great many cases in my view). And by concealing who they are, they tentatively seek help from those who have previously walked these painful trails.

 

To whit, I wonder how active this forum would be if one had to verify their REAL name and post a photo of themselves as an avatar?

 

Anyways...thats the nucleus of my thinking (as of now)...thoughts? Ideas? Commentary? Criticism? Discussion? Trashcan?

[Silly_Girl]

Been away a bit (life).

 

You've been missed.

 

Wanted to see if I could provoke a discussion here - at least until it degenerates into something resembling your local political rally. Or maybe I aim too high....

 

First you say this:

 

Which implies that your position is that persons come here to post "for support" and NOT be attacked by those that believe their choices are wrong.

 

But then you say this:

 

 

This, to me, implies that the posters already KNOW their behavior is, to the masses, frowned upon.

 

And I immediately think - well, if the poster (an OW for example) KNOWS that society frowns upon her R with "her MM"...then why is she surprised by negative responses ONLINE? Isn't this to be expected since, well, she is engaging in behavior which at least a plurality finds reprehensible?

 

Hang on!.... a large proportion of society finds abortion to be reprehensible. I think if an individual wishes to turn to a forum to discuss abortion-related matters, they should be safe to do so without negative responses online.

 

I suspect my view is naive and unrealistic. But if people want to make a stand they should join a protest group, arrange marches and mass-communications. Not pick on an individual who is baring their soul on an internet forum that is designed for the use of people in THEIR situation.

[Silly_Girl]

There seems to be a lot of talk on the forum that if a poster is not seeking support, or being disparaging about those involved in affairs, then their discussion threads should be considered to be 'seeking validation'.

 

Because I don't understand which posts are being referred to, or WHY it's being said, I am genuinely interested in posters showing me. I may not agree as to the reasoning, but at the moment I literally have no clue as to why it's being said.

 

And it would be lovely if responses weren't typical smart-ass one-liners; I'm looking to engage sincerely and widen my horizons here. This isn't a mickey-take. Links to posts, and quotes, would be appreciated.

 

Still no links/quotes.

[jthorne]

Still no links/quotes.

It's a violation of TOS to dig up other people's threads and post them. It could be seen as harassment.

[Silly_Girl]

It's a violation of TOS to dig up other people's threads and post them. It could be seen as harassment.

 

So perhaps, if those posters making these claims cannot back them up in any way, it might make sense for them to stop making the random observations... It just muddies the waters and prevents the flow of conversation and mutual understanding.

[jthorne]

So perhaps, if those posters making these claims cannot back them up in any way, it might make sense for them to stop making the random observations... It just muddies the waters and prevents the flow of conversation and mutual understanding.

There are other ways to back things up. Sometimes, there's no need, because it's obvious to those not on the cheerleading squad.

[Silly_Girl]

There are other ways to back things up. Sometimes, there's no need, because it's obvious to those not on the cheerleading squad.

 

What other ways, jt? I feel like I'm being left out of the 'secret'!

 

I am trying to understand because I think there must be a gap in my perspective somehow. You had absolutely NO issue dredging up my old posts, and those of others. In the interests of progress, perhaps - as you seem to know what's what - you could help me by expanding on the types of things that mean you perceive a poster as being 'desperate' for validation. It'd be much appreciated.

[desertIslandCactus]

You've been missed.

 

 

 

Hang on!.... a large proportion of society finds abortion to be reprehensible. I think if an individual wishes to turn to a forum to discuss abortion-related matters, they should be safe to do so without negative responses online.

 

I suspect my view is naive and unrealistic. But if people want to make a stand they should join a protest group, arrange marches and mass-communications. Not pick on an individual who is baring their soul on an internet forum that is designed for the use of people in THEIR situation.

 

It's my responsibility to speak out Anywhere against the killing of an innocent human (baby) . I will continue in that responsibility - regardless the consequences.

[Silly_Girl]

It's my responsibility to speak out Anywhere against the killing of an innocent human (baby) . I will continue in that responsibility - regardless the consequences.

 

Do you then? Organise marches and raise awareness? Do you lobby? Or do you merely voice your disgust to those who go to forums when they feel they have nowhere else to turn?

[herenow]

It's my responsibility to speak out Anywhere against the killing of an innocent human (baby) . I will continue in that responsibility - regardless the consequences.

 

I disagree and feel that a woman should have a choice, but I support your right to speak out for what you believe in.

 

I support that right as I support any thread or post that the mods seem fit to allow. I don't know who or if anyone comes here for validation. But if they did, fine by me. I don't have to give them validation if I don't want to.

[desertIslandCactus]

Do you then? Organise marches and raise awareness? Do you lobby? Or do you merely voice your disgust to those who go to forums when they feel they have nowhere else to turn?

 

No "disgust" involved (your word). I would think those who start threads or PM me, aren't looking for validation, they're looking for encouragement ... and answers.

 

Do you organize marches for your beliefs? .. Good, then go for it.

Edited March 29, 2011 by desertIslandCactus

[mizliz]

I think we all seek out "validation" for our choices to some degree. We are social animals, so, of course we feel the need to belong - to be with like-minded people. We will seek that out in many forms - an online discussion board being one of many.

 

With respect to A's - as a previous poster mentioned, most OW/OM know that what they are doing is socially unacceptable. For myself, I stumbled here given the nature of my relationship. It's not as if I could talk to my friends and family about the fact that I was involved/in love with a MM. Why? Because they would have been disgusted by my choices. That's not to say that they would have stopped loving me; but they would have questioned my morals.

 

And, with good reason. Even I know that. If I had been so secure in my choice to love MM (and, it is a choice), I would not have hesitated to declare/defend my love for him.

 

Culturally, assuming most who post here are coming from Jewish/Christian/Muslim...etc upbringings, know that infidelity is objectively wrong. We can justify it's existance all we want, it doesn't change the fact that it is socially unacceptable.

 

The validation comes in when we want to step outside our cultural norms. You'll notice that it isn't widely accepted.

[Emme]

The Other Man / Woman [sIZE=2]The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.[/sIZE]

[sIZE=2][/sIZE]

[sIZE=2][/sIZE]

[sIZE=2][/sIZE]

[sIZE=2][/sIZE]

[sIZE=2]This is the heading for the forum, I underlined discussion. I think that anyone who is willing to discuss with us their insight into our situation should post. Anyone as a matter a fact anywhere on this board. It's really sad if we limit gaining insight from another individual. Good or bad.[/sIZE]

[Silly_Girl]

So disappointed I'm not further forward on this.

[mizliz]

So disappointed I'm not further forward on this.

 

why are you disappointed?