Am I crazy??

[ccde]

This is a long story, but so much like the soap/cheater. I have been married 15 yrs, through those years my H cheated on me pretty much every year, very apologetic when caught. But afterward would ask me, what I did for him. Would rub in my face he made more money than me. Threaten me with a divorce, and told me that no one would want me. I have spoken to several of his mistresses and they all told me the same thing that he spoke ill about me as a woman who did not work, was lazy and spoiled. He spoke of leaving me and taking everything down to our kids. My self esteem was so low, I started to go in deep depression couldn't eat, sleep. I don't know how I worked(yes I held a full time job and went to school, and took care of our family) I started losing my hair, alienated myself from my family, because he told me they all thought i was weird and strange. There was so many times I found myself worshiping the ground he walked on. Begging for attention and for him to love me. All the while he would ration out any affection to me "if" I didn't get on his nerves. he made me abort our child because he wasn't ready. I have nightmares about it, I wish I could take it back. I just thought in order to keep him, I had to do what he wanted me to do. I went to sleep most nights by myself. His job transferred him far away, he rented out our house and had myself and our kids move into a apartment. (I lived literally down the street from our house) went from a 3000sqft house to 900sqft apt with 3 kids. In talking to him about us joining him, he would say "who the hell told you, you were coming. You have not proven yourself".

He actually told me, I dont want to be married and hung up on me. The only thing I could do is try to get myself together for my kids. I was too scared to ask for money. So we did with out alot of times. I reversed it, and stop taking his calls because of the games he played. So he started calling our kids and telling them he missed us, and wanted us to move over there. Stupid me, we moved all my furniture overseas. just to get there and be treated like trash again. I thought things changed. I packed 3 suitcase of what I could and flew to my parents. Where I stayed, I ended up finding out once again he cheated and had his mistress in the very bed our children and us slept in. in our home. He has flown to see her several times. She was apologetice bcause he told her he was divorce. I felt compiled to let her know, my h and I have herpes. Which he didnt tell her. BIG SHOCK, and that she had a abortion. WOW! My parents took care of my children and I while i just collected unemployment and looked for a job. I did not know what to do. When I asked for money from him, he would ask me why I needed it and tell me I didn't need that much. The last straw was I thought I contracted herpes from being raped when I was a teenager. my husband was the only man I slept with. He confessed he gave me herpes, after years of making me feel I gave it to him.

 

I asked him for a divorce, things got ugly if it can get any uglier. I had to take him to court for support. I kept a joint acct open for it to be easy to make support payments, he with drew a $5000.00. and refused to give it back, called me a money hunger bitch.

I could not understand how someone can hate another for no reason, to be nasty for no reason. All I could do is pray for peace and to get through it. I kept all communication down to bear minimum (only about kids, if needed). Started going to counseling and started feeling good about myself, I got a good job was able to move out of my parents house. Had to start over with furniture due to all of our stuff being with him, and he refused to send them to me. Well 2 years have passed, we started be able to talk on a friendly level. I actually started considering giving it another go. He was a different person, very nice funny. Very apologetic about all he did. He told me he was going to counseling. He missed me, loved me. Knew he treated me wrong and wanted another chance. So I told him we can see where things go, 2 months later he starting to sound like that man I knew, very agruementive, at first he called me and text me so much. I loved it! Now its nothing. He wants us to move back with him, I told him not at this time, (i don't feel positive he has truly changed) I have a good job and our kids are settled. He is very mad that I wont move with him, I think it would be a dumb move if I moved so soon after just saying lets give it a go.

 

 

Here's my question,

I have been hurt so much by this man, he is my first love and first everything. But I cant bring myself to be put in a place where he hasn't changed and I am outed with no means to provide for my kids. I am believing more and more that he truly does not understand the hurt, self doubt he has caused on me. I constantly second guess myself. Am I wrong to not want to jump back face first into this. I am thinking more and more that maybe reconciliation isn't in the cards.

 

[Yasuandio]

Well, like, yeah, totally. Where is the confidence you've earned, my dear? You answered your own question. You got your life back together quite splendedly, without the SOB. That is complete, unadulterated PROOF that you ARE NOT CRAZY -- and in fact, quite heathly-minded dispite a horendous challenge!

[linwood]

Why would you even consider going back to him?

 

There are other men out there that won`t treat you like crap.

 

Find one..or two.

 

[lorlen99]

you need to believe in yourself and stay away, he will do it again i am afraid!

I am going thur crazy things also and what this site has told me is this...be strong, hold tight and ignore them.

Now I just ned to make that my mantra and believe it..I know it is best...

best of luck

[confused woman23]

Hi again CCDE you commented on my post and told me to read yours my first post "husband cheated too many times" your story sounds similar to mines the first couple words had me in tears reading your story its as if i wrote this story my self. I feel all your pain and the only difference between us is that we dont have kids and I am currently going to get myself checked out because i havent been normal and i have had my menstrual for two weeks now and when i asked him about how his stomach felt or did it hurt. My H would change the conversation or act as though he didnt hear me so because he has been acting very suspiciously lately things only make me more inclined to suspect he gave me something and he is guilty about it and he wants out before i can find out it was him. And just like you he was my first everything too and the only man i have ever been with or wanted to be with, but thats all different now. Are you currently divorced from him or are you two separated. I dont think you are crazy for even considering giving him and you ago again. I totally understand and feel where you are coming from if my H was at his turning point miss and love me so much lets try to make this work phase. I would probably consider it too because of all the love, time and years ive put into this marriage. Pray for me and I'll do the same for you K.I.T ok.

[willowthewisp]

Your husband sounds emotionally abusive, you have had counselling so you tell me is he? Is he controlling, does he try to isolate you from family and friends, does he criticise your friends even though he has not even met them? Doe he control your money and where you can go and when? Do you feel that you have to walk on eggshells because anything can set him off?

 

Maybe he has changed, but I would hazard a guess from the way you have described him being like before that he hasn't? Is he being like before? Is he angry that you won't come or is he reacting appropriately, with disappointment and concern for your well being, understanding?

 

Think it through, trust yourself, you know him better than what anyone else can from your description on here, I will be honest I was doubting from your description of "argumentative" but then I am a victim of abuse myself so my self esteem is very low too. Only you know. Could you maybe go back to your counseller just to talk this one issue through?

 

Sorry I couldn't be more help.

[ccde]

My counselor has told me I have been verbal/emotionally abused. In the beginning of our split it was recommended that my kids and I go to a woman's safe shelter. I chose to stay with my parents, and continue with my counselling. He has told me that my family thought I was strange weird and didnt want nothing to do with me. He also told me my kids wanted another mother, because I was weird. I believed everything he said. He controlled the money. I would have to tell him why I needed 20 dollars. Explain what I bought a the grocery store, he checked my bank account. I did feel like I was walking on eggshells, he would ignore me or tell me how I took to long washing clothes. or get mad cause I didn't take meat out for dinner in the morning. I found myself turning the corner of my street to see my home and have rocks in my stomach. When he took me to abort our child, he walked so far ahead of me, and after it was done I went in a deeper depression, I cried a lot. He would tell me to just get over it, Its done! He refused to hold me, talk to me. When he took all my money out the account, he told me he wanted to teach me a lesson.

 

I did think he changed because he was so nice, but slowly his anger started to come out. He got really mad after I told him I want the kids and I to stay, I tried to tell him how I felt, but he hung up on me and hasn't called for a week. My H has put me through hell, and I am not looking to go there again. I know I deserve much better, its just that letting it go.

 

I find myself thinking, he becomes all I ever wanted and gives it to another woman. Stupid...I know.

[ccde]

Hi again CCDE you commented on my post and told me to read yours my first post "husband cheated too many times" your story sounds similar to mines the first couple words had me in tears reading your story its as if i wrote this story my self. I feel all your pain and the only difference between us is that we dont have kids and I am currently going to get myself checked out because i havent been normal and i have had my menstrual for two weeks now and when i asked him about how his stomach felt or did it hurt. My H would change the conversation or act as though he didnt hear me so because he has been acting very suspiciously lately things only make me more inclined to suspect he gave me something and he is guilty about it and he wants out before i can find out it was him. And just like you he was my first everything too and the only man i have ever been with or wanted to be with, but thats all different now. Are you currently divorced from him or are you two separated. I dont think you are crazy for even considering giving him and you ago again. I totally understand and feel where you are coming from if my H was at his turning point miss and love me so much lets try to make this work phase. I would probably consider it too because of all the love, time and years ive put into this marriage. Pray for me and I'll do the same for you K.I.T ok.

Hi ,

My H actually had quick divorce paperwork that he would threaten me with. I was so scared of lossing him because he had me thinking no one would want me, heck I have kids and STD. He told me my family and kids thought I was weird and the kids told him they didnt want to stay with me. I thought everything he said was Golden. I did start D paperwork but stopped them to see about reconcilation. I too can not afford the divorce, so I will have to save, because he also told me I was not going to have nothing. From our kids to furniture /home/cars. Thank you I will pray for peace for you. I know how I felt living under the same roof. I really am thankful to God for getting me out of that mess and blessing me with my own place/job . Being able to take care of my kids and not have a sick feeling coming home because of what he may say or heck do( he was real good in ignoring me) is so wonderful. I just have to get over that dream of him changing to who I want him to be.

[confused woman23]

I know what you mean i will have to get over the love i have for my H soon to be ex H and move on start a new. Even though the whole marriage i believe he cheated on me each year of the almost 4yrs we have been married together 7yrs total and through out highschool and been through everything literally and he has brought me nothing but heartache and pain never had a wedding never went on a honeymoon nor vacation didnt have pre martial counseling or any counseling to help us cope and i should be the one saying good riddance to him. He has some type of strong hold over me now i and i really need to break it. He says we dont have chemistry want does that mean??? and he doesnt want to be with me for some strange reason i will never understand thats what he said to me...." you will never know if there was someone else or if i slept with any of those people you wont believe what i say so ill never tell you then so go ahead and think what you want and tell whoever you want no one can change my decision of divorcing you, I dont want to seek counseling(which we never ever did because when the problems first started he wanted to resolve them on his own without any outside help) and i dont want a damn separation thats final i want out of this marriage asap and no one or nothing can stop me this is my decision and ill be happier knowing that i made one for me so bye" and he left me ive asked him to come back over and over again this has all happened monday night and since then he still has been saying he wants out of our marriage because he is 25yrs old what type of s*** is that and i am suppose to believe he doesnt hate me this sure as heck sounds like hate to me but he really wants me to know he loves me and i am his world but he just wants out of this marriage I am starting to believe its hate more than love but anyway i told him i hope whatever your searching for or already have makes you more happier then you ever allowed me to make you. I dont know what to do right now i know time will heal my broken heart. How did you cope and make it through?? You said it has been two years since man thats really impressive cause how i felt yesterday it dont seem as though i can make it that long without him hes all i have known from 15yrs to 23yrs now and i thought i would be with him forever you know the fairytale ending but i guess his love for me wasnt the same love i have for him and i guess thats the hard part cuz i put all of my beans in one pot and now it feels like everything has back fired and my world is falling to pieces....i dont want to ramble on too much i just feel connected to you i am a true believer of everything happens for a reason and its always some good to the things that hurt us and we cant understand but i do believe its not over yet and their is a rainbow after the storm...thanks:)

Edited March 30, 2011 by confused woman23

[ccde]

I have heard that before from him.. he would say no to counseling.or the time we did go to counseling the counselor told us it wasn't going to work. He talked about how unhappy he was with me, that he had ambition and drive and I don't)although I have always held down a full time job, and went to school sometimes full time, and take care of my family. He would leave our counseling session and go to his girlfriends house. I know I know I sound so silly why did I stay. Because he had me thinking no one would want me, I was nothing, I could nt do anything right. I was like you, I could not imagine not being with him, he was my life. Seriously everything revolved around him. I am not going to tell you that you won't have nights of just crying, or days of walking around with pure hurt. You know that one that feels like someone has stabbed you in the heart. I had sometime when I mourned letting go of that fantasy H and marriage. What helped is I started to get out with my relatives, going to gatherings..having fun with my kids. I started doing things I always wanted to do, going to Jazz clubs, taking a wine tasting class. Slowly my self esteem has gotten better, I do have a long way to go though. I found my first place, with no ones help. Had to refurnish my whole apartment, because he refused to give me some furniture. To walk into YOUR home, with no stress, no walking on eggshells is a AWESOME feeling. To know that despite how I felt like my world would end because I was not with him, it didn't. Day by Day is a learning experience. When I let him back into my life this time, I started feeling like I did before in our marriage. This time around, I am not bending my standards and what I want for him. Although the hurt piece is moving past the fact he is going to move on and probably give someone what he should have given me. Love, faithfulness, affection.

I am still praying that God brings me a man that gives me all those things. Be strong, it will be a rough road ahead, many women n men have been through this, and many more after you and I. I pray God gives you the strength and peace.

[willowthewisp]

My counselor has told me I have been verbal/emotionally abused. In the beginning of our split it was recommended that my kids and I go to a woman's safe shelter. I chose to stay with my parents, and continue with my counselling. He has told me that my family thought I was strange weird and didnt want nothing to do with me. He also told me my kids wanted another mother, because I was weird. I believed everything he said. He controlled the money. I would have to tell him why I needed 20 dollars. Explain what I bought a the grocery store, he checked my bank account. I did feel like I was walking on eggshells, he would ignore me or tell me how I took to long washing clothes. or get mad cause I didn't take meat out for dinner in the morning. I found myself turning the corner of my street to see my home and have rocks in my stomach. When he took me to abort our child, he walked so far ahead of me, and after it was done I went in a deeper depression, I cried a lot. He would tell me to just get over it, Its done! He refused to hold me, talk to me. When he took all my money out the account, he told me he wanted to teach me a lesson.

 

I did think he changed because he was so nice, but slowly his anger started to come out. He got really mad after I told him I want the kids and I to stay, I tried to tell him how I felt, but he hung up on me and hasn't called for a week. My H has put me through hell, and I am not looking to go there again. I know I deserve much better, its just that letting it go.

 

I find myself thinking, he becomes all I ever wanted and gives it to another woman. Stupid...I know.

 

If he put the phone down on you and has ignored you since he is still abusive, my abuser does this, hangs up on me when she is mad and then does the silent treatment for weeks on end. It's passive aggressive abuse. PLEASE cut all contact with him now!

 

As for him changing and giving it all to another women, I doubt that will happen, if he was willing to be introspective he would have done it by now, he's willing to lose his wife and family rather than address his issues.

 

You need to let go, I know that is hard, but you really really do, no good can come from reconciling with this man for you or your children.

 

Hugs.

[Tiberius]

whoops wrong thread

[confused woman23]

I have heard that before from him.. he would say no to counseling.or the time we did go to counseling the counselor told us it wasn't going to work. He talked about how unhappy he was with me, that he had ambition and drive and I don't)although I have always held down a full time job, and went to school sometimes full time, and take care of my family. He would leave our counseling session and go to his girlfriends house. I know I know I sound so silly why did I stay. Because he had me thinking no one would want me, I was nothing, I could nt do anything right. I was like you, I could not imagine not being with him, he was my life. Seriously everything revolved around him. I am not going to tell you that you won't have nights of just crying, or days of walking around with pure hurt. You know that one that feels like someone has stabbed you in the heart. I had sometime when I mourned letting go of that fantasy H and marriage. What helped is I started to get out with my relatives, going to gatherings..having fun with my kids. I started doing things I always wanted to do, going to Jazz clubs, taking a wine tasting class. Slowly my self esteem has gotten better, I do have a long way to go though. I found my first place, with no ones help. Had to refurnish my whole apartment, because he refused to give me some furniture. To walk into YOUR home, with no stress, no walking on eggshells is a AWESOME feeling. To know that despite how I felt like my world would end because I was not with him, it didn't. Day by Day is a learning experience. When I let him back into my life this time, I started feeling like I did before in our marriage. This time around, I am not bending my standards and what I want for him. Although the hurt piece is moving past the fact he is going to move on and probably give someone what he should have given me. Love, faithfulness, affection.

I am still praying that God brings me a man that gives me all those things. Be strong, it will be a rough road ahead, many women n men have been through this, and many more after you and I. I pray God gives you the strength and peace.

Thanks i know its going hurt i dont think i can deal the hardest part of this whole thing is that he doesnt want to try to work it out and he seems happy with the decision he has made and im not suppose to believe there is no one else...I will keep you posted you do the same.

[ccde]

Just a update.. still no calls, no apologies. I figured it was to true to be good. So I am keeping myself from hoping and wanting things to change between H and I. Its is apparent to me, I need to keep to my original plan, just take care of my kids and myself.

[confused woman23]

Hey ccde,

 

Im doing much better now went through two days of sadness and depression last week so i went around family and now i am much better i am actually getting over him quicker than i was expecting. Once i thought about it i was happy with the decision that we are through and are definitely over due to the simple fact i had been wanting to leave him anyway. I wanted to leave him 10months into our marriage when the cheating first started that was strike one, give him a chance strike two happened the same thing, was there going to be a third time hell yes strike three and again, going on to strike four. Those all were my warning signs i should've gotten out then but i ignored them and now thats why i am able to be at peace with myself actually im glad he left because i never been happier **smiles** best wishes to you

[Tiberius]

Is he a good father? How does he treat the kids? If you cant provide for them, you might consider leaving them with the father. Some people are self centered and feel exploited when they feel they contribute more than their partner. There are working women who are just like your husband, looking down on their man if he earns less because they perceive him as lesser.

 

It was his decision to marry you. If he is so selfish, that being the primary breadwinner really irks him, he shouldnt have married you when he knew he would make more than you, yet its something HE wanted to do.

 

Maybe he is unhappy in his job and resents having to work. The way I understand it, you cant move back in and keep your job?

Edited April 6, 2011 by Tiberius

[ccde]

Is he a good father? How does he treat the kids? If you cant provide for them, you might consider leaving them with the father. Some people are self centered and feel exploited when they feel they contribute more than their partner. There are working women who are just like your husband, looking down on their man if he earns less because they perceive him as lesser.

 

It was his decision to marry you. If he is so selfish, that being the primary breadwinner really irks him, he shouldnt have married you when he knew he would make more than you, yet its something HE wanted to do.

 

Maybe he is unhappy in his job and resents having to work. The way I understand it, you cant move back in and keep your job?

 

Yes, although his sometimes talks down to them, and or do not call to speak to them. They have their own phones. I never want to get in the way of his relationship with our kids. Maybe you miss understood my post, I have always held a job, in the beginning I made more than him. But through moves, and birth of kids. His career blossomed and mines halted. When ever the opportunity came around for me to succeed and potentially make more than him, he never thought it was a good idea. Because he thought I should be there for the kids and him. I do agree with time, he did become self centered, and asked many times what do I do for him. The sad part is I was offered many positions that would have put me as #1 breadwinner, but to the advise of my H and did not take them. I am fully capable of taking care of our kids. With or without his help, but in the beginning of our split I had to depend on my parents help. No he did not help. Even when asked, and told that it was for his kids. He was teaching me a lesson , he told me. That I could not make it without him.

His decision to marry me, he has told me that when he met me, he knew I was going to be a good wife and I was special. He didn't want no one else to have me.

I am not sure what is going on with him, I just know that for years I tried to fix him and his problems. Or at least find why he is the way he is. But I know now only God knows that. I can not put myself back in a toxic relationship with him, where its verbally/emotionally abusive.