Does the BS NOT want to know?

[carrie999]

Earlier in the affair, I thought that MM's wife must have been suspicious of our connection as friends, but put enough faith in him to believe that even if he was wandering a bit, he'd never stray from her. I figured that as time moved on and we became closer, she would eventually either get fed up or put up some resistance to us spending time together, but the opposite is true. She invites me along and includes me in everything. That in and of itself would insinuate that she's trying to "keep the enemy close" so to speak.

 

But it extends further than that. MM and I share a passion for the outdoors. He used to go on weekend backpacking trips with male friends (who have since moved away) and she was jealous of the time he spent without her, since her social circle is very limited and she'd end up spending that time mostly alone. In the absence of friends (including her) who are interested in joining us on day hikes and even occasional weekend trips, she encourages us to go together...alone.

 

Why would she encourage this? Is she sensing his distance, which started well before I came into the picture, and finally accepting that he needs to do this? Is she trying to make up for lost time in that sense? But even so, why would she encourage him to go with me, even if I'm the only one around who enjoys this?

 

If I was suspicious of my H, I'd start building evidence, either to convince myself I'm not crazy and imagining things, or to create a bombproof case against him for divorce proceedings...even if I didn't want to leave him, I'd want to have the upper hand if he decided to leave me on his terms. I don't think she's playing dumb and installing software or hiring a detective..she's actively giving us her blessing to disappear into the woods and return days later with pictures and stories.

 

According to him, she expresses exactly the same jealousy when we go as she did when it was him and his male friends...she just misses him while he's away and feels lonely because she doesn't have very close friends. But while she likes me well enough, but I'm sure she's jealous of my relationship with her H as something more threatening than his friendships with the guys...I am certain that she senses that her marriage is in trouble.

 

So I'm curious about your take on the situation. Is she just tolerating his infidelity as long as he comes home to her? Is she so afraid of losing him that she'll just put up with this in hopes that it will keep him from leaving her?

 

In a very real way, it makes it harder for him to leave without either coming clean, or at least having to be completely honest about it being HIS choice, not hers. Not that anyone could blame her in the least if she fought him taking these trips, especially with another woman...but by not fighting, she's shown that she'll do anything to compromise with him and make the marriage work. It may not be enough to keep him married to her, but he cannot leave without admitting it's all on him, even if he was faithful.

 

Have others experienced this type of situation? I find it interesting, because I cannot imagine playing it so cool. I never could, and if it was my sister or close friend, I would be the one collecting evidence on her behalf.

[NoIDidn't]

You say if you were suspicious, but go on to say that she is not suspicious.

 

Who knows? Maybe she's having her own affair?

 

Or maybe you will start to feel guilty for abusing her trust so blatantly?

 

Sounds like she has a good strategy, whatever it is. If he ever does leave, her telling this bit to the judge will destroy his credibility unless he's got tons of cash and can buy the conditions he wants.

 

Of course, it's better to have an ostrich for a BS than to have a tiger. I once read that the key to happiness is a short memory.

[26pointblue]

Are you her friend? It sounds like she just trusts both of you.

 

I am really trying to figure out why you care so much about what she is or isn't doing? It almost sounds like you have something against her & are with him to get back at her, or something.

 

I don't understand why my MM"s wife does things, except that she's his wife & wants to stay his wife. My MM"s wife knows about us & stays with him. While I occasionally wonder about her reasoning & motivation, I am mostly concerned about MM, & me. I really can't understand this fixation on the wife? Maybe if you could explain why it matters to you, I could help more?

Edited March 29, 2011 by 26pointblue

[Rose1977]

Carrie, I may have you confused with someone else and I apologize if that is the case, but aren't you friends with her? If that is the case, maybe she just trusts that someone who would befriend her wouldn't do that to her. She probably wants him to still enjoy his hobby since his other friends have moved away and is glad that he has someone to do it with. I could be way wrong, who knows what she's thinking except for her.

[carrie999]

You say if you were suspicious, but go on to say that she is not suspicious.

 

Who knows? Maybe she's having her own affair?

 

Or maybe you will start to feel guilty for abusing her trust so blatantly?

 

Sounds like she has a good strategy, whatever it is. If he ever does leave, her telling this bit to the judge will destroy his credibility unless he's got tons of cash and can buy the conditions he wants.

 

Of course, it's better to have an ostrich for a BS than to have a tiger. I once read that the key to happiness is a short memory.

 

I wish I knew how to interject my comments, but I don't. So to the first bolded point, while it sounds like she could be having her own affair, I highly doubt it. To the second, I definitely agree it's a good strategy in that one or both of us might give into our guilt and call it quits...or make him decide to stay with her because he cannot handle being the sole reason for the divorce. While I cannot predict which way it will go, I am fairly certain he will leave her eventually even if I remove myself from the picture, for a number of reasons.

 

I've said in prior posts that we may never end up together, and he will never leave her for me, but his infidelity has made him question the grounds of their relationship and realize that it was never solid, and he was never happy. I have served as a catalyst for this realization, and our relationship very well might not survive because he may resent me for playing that role. Who knows?

 

In either case, you make excellent points that further expand upon my idea that if she is "playing dumb," she is trying to play it cool in order to prove how hard she tried to work on the marriage while he abandoned her. Or she is trying to build evidence in some other way. To me, it still seems like she is just trying to ignore the painful truth that is very blatant

[carrie999]

Are you her friend? It sounds like she just trusts both of you.

 

I am really trying to figure out why you care so much about what she is or isn't doing? It almost sounds like you have something against her & are with him to get back at her, or something.

 

I don't understand why my MM"s wife does things, except that she's his wife & wants to stay his wife. My MM"s wife knows about us & stays with him. While I occasionally wonder about her reasoning & motivation, I am mostly concerned about MM, & me. I really can't understand this fixation on the wife? Maybe if you could explain why it matters to you, I could help more?

 

Thank you for trying to help . I'm not exactly her friend, but she wants me to be her friend. I think it's partially that she likes me (and I really do like her, sadly), but also her main defense mechanism. I believe she sees me as the competition, and she doesn't want to compete with me, or is afraid she'd lose.

 

Long story short, I am not the competition. If I was only MM's close friend, or someone he fell for who didn't return his interest, I am really just the catalyst that has accelerated a thought process in him that started years ago. Sounds like a silly argument to make, but I could easily be just a guy friend. He has been surrounded by a family and group of friends from childhood who settled for high school sweethearts and made it work. There are far too many complexities to get into here (though I'm glad to answer any questions), but it comes down to this: he grew up with an idea of marriage as partnership in an extremely old-school sense. (Think home-schooling children so as not to expose them to modern societal thought).

 

Point is, while I try to understand her motivations, I find it perplexing that someone would just put up with what is clearly an affair, emotional or not. I certainly harbor no ill feelings for his wife, and feel tremendous guilt beyond what I'd probably otherwise feel just knowing how vulnerable she is. In a different situation, I'd befriend her because she is a lovely person who could use a good friend to provide some support and guidance. The contradiction for me is that whether or not MM and I end up together, I hope she finds some strength. He's not a bad guy. This is a bad situation in which everyone might lose a great deal, but she'll lose the most. He and I may have found (and subsequently lose) the best love we'll ever find in eachother, but we will certainly survive it. I wonder based upon how she is handling this if she is strong enough to deal with the truth.

 

Your questions were good ones, and really made me think. I suppose I'm just trying to understand her. I'm not sure why I want to. I'm certainly making things worse, not better, for her, and I didn't come here to assuage my guilt or promise to help her. I'm just trying to figure out another facet of this incredibly complex situation.

 

Thanks again for your post, and for listening to my rambling.

[dreamingoftigers]

My mother befriended my father's affair partner without knowing it. She just always thought he would never do that to her. Your BS probably thinks the same.

 

It may be naive. But that's the truth.

 

You are really sucker-punching her. I think you know it too and want to think she is just letting it all go.

[Emme]

As I read your post Carrie you remind me of a story. True story in fact. A womans husband would always say that he is going to play cards with his guy friends and she would let him. Little does the husband know his wife is aware of the affair he's having. So I was shocked as to why if she knows about it why is she letting him go out. Her response is that while he is out playing cards I am having my fun. So Carrie... she knows... you are just doing her a favor. She might know her husband isn't going anywhere, you might think he will. But she knows he won't. Continue to keep him entertained so that she can have her own play time as well. I hope this helps you to understand why she does it.

[carrie999]

My mother befriended my father's affair partner without knowing it. She just always thought he would never do that to her. Your BS probably thinks the same.

 

It may be naive. But that's the truth.

You are really sucker-punching her. I think you know it too and want to think she is just letting it all go.

 

Oh, I really don't want to believe that. Early on, I thought she was just that naive. Now, I'm fairly certain she knows that there is (if nothing else) an EA.

[carrie999]

As I read your post Carrie you remind me of a story. True story in fact. A womans husband would always say that he is going to play cards with his guy friends and she would let him. Little does the husband know his wife is aware of the affair he's having. So I was shocked as to why if she knows about it why is she letting him go out. Her response is that while he is out playing cards I am having my fun. So Carrie... she knows... you are just doing her a favor. She might know her husband isn't going anywhere, you might think he will. But she knows he won't. Continue to keep him entertained so that she can have her own play time as well. I hope this helps you to understand why she does it.

 

Interesting POV, Emme, and an excellent example and poignant truth, at that.

 

However, I'm fairly certain her husband is not there to stay, with or without my involvement in his life. If nothing else, I have completely shifted his perspective long before I fell for him or he fell for me. He's very traditional in a deeper sense than I can convey, and his infidelity (more aptly than ME as a person) made him question his marriage and how he ended up where he is. He realized so much about himself and the fact that he married for stability, not love...and that their marriage only provided stability as long as they both never changed or grew in any way. Suffice it to say that while one grew and the other did not, their marriage suffered slowly.

 

Maybe he won't leave. Maybe he'll feel overwhelmed by his responsibility to provide for her in every sense of the word. Maybe he'll reconcile himself to his duty and obligation, and sacrifice his own happiness. But he's started to understand that by doing so all these years, he hasn't helped her, either...he's only allowed her to stagnate and grow more dependent on him, which saddens him. He feels that the very nature of their relationship in their adult lives has stultified her growth, and that the more he has worked to help her grow, the more she's depended on him to tell her what to do next.

 

Maybe MC will help this. She actively resists that and any form of counseling. Who knows? Maybe you're right. Or maybe they'll split up, and he and I will too...only time will tell.

[jwi71]

Earlier in the affair, I thought that MM's wife must have been suspicious of our connection as friends, but put enough faith in him to believe that even if he was wandering a bit, he'd never stray from her.

 

I don't your story (or don't remember) but I would also suspect he is gaslighting her left and right. If its one thing all MM/MW can do its lie.

 

I figured that as time moved on and we became closer, she would eventually either get fed up or put up some resistance to us spending time together, but the opposite is true. She invites me along and includes me in everything. That in and of itself would insinuate that she's trying to "keep the enemy close" so to speak

.

 

Yikes...either she knows or is completely trusts her H. That will end very bad for her. Quite possibly for her H and yourself as well. I would be very wary of a woman who suspects and wants to keep you close.

 

But it extends further than that. MM and I share a passion for the outdoors. He used to go on weekend backpacking trips with male friends (who have since moved away) and she was jealous of the time he spent without her, since her social circle is very limited and she'd end up spending that time mostly alone. In the absence of friends (including her) who are interested in joining us on day hikes and even occasional weekend trips, she encourages us to go together...alone.

 

Dunno what to make of that. But if she is cunning enough to keep "the enemy close" then she may be several steps in front of you both and you are unwittingly walking into her carefully prepared trap. Who knows. Again, danger signs - that doesn't seem like a normal reaction,

 

Why would she encourage this? Is she sensing his distance, which started well before I came into the picture, and finally accepting that he needs to do this? Is she trying to make up for lost time in that sense? But even so, why would she encourage him to go with me, even if I'm the only one around who enjoys this?

 

Pointless questions - you'll never know. All these do is drive you crazy. MY advice is DON'T try and guess her motivations.

 

If I was suspicious of my H, I'd start building evidence, either to convince myself I'm not crazy and imagining things, or to create a bombproof case against him for divorce proceedings...even if I didn't want to leave him, I'd want to have the upper hand if he decided to leave me on his terms

.

 

Adultery, and there are exceptions of course, typically means squat in a D. A biased judge against cheaters (or a prenup) may factor in slightly but ime affairs don't mean squat. An A may allow one to forgo any waiting periods but in terms of asset allocations - nada. Well, maybe a slight edge to the BS if the judge is biased. Talk to a lawyer in your area and I bet you hear something very similar to that.

 

I don't think she's playing dumb and installing software or hiring a detective..she's actively giving us her blessing to disappear into the woods and return days later with pictures and stories.

 

Dunno. Maybe the pool man is cleaning more than just the pipes in the pool.

Again, her motivations are indiscoverable unless she tells you to your face the why's. I'd drop this. It leads to paranoia.

 

According to him, she expresses exactly the same jealousy when we go as she did when it was him and his male friends...she just misses him while he's away and feels lonely because she doesn't have very close friends. But while she likes me well enough, but I'm sure she's jealous of my relationship with her H as something more threatening than his friendships with the guys...I am certain that she senses that her marriage is in trouble.

 

No, you aren't certain of anything hence this post. Maybe she senses it, Maybe not. You cannot read her mind period. As I am not familiar with your story I cannot say anymore than: my money is your MM is gaslighting her into oblivion and is abusing her trust.

 

So I'm curious about your take on the situation. Is she just tolerating his infidelity as long as he comes home to her? Is she so afraid of losing him that she'll just put up with this in hopes that it will keep him from leaving her?

 

Well, you have implied that she knows and that she must know and you're certain she must know. So...do you know 100% proof positive his W knows he is having an A with you? And what might that change (Aside from a huge obstacle to his ever leaving if thats your wish) if she does? If she does not?

And, again, stop trying to divine her motivations. Its an exercise in futility.

 

In a very real way, it makes it harder for him to leave without either coming clean, or at least having to be completely honest about it being HIS choice, not hers. Not that anyone could blame her in the least if she fought him taking these trips, especially with another woman...but by not fighting, she's shown that she'll do anything to compromise with him and make the marriage work. It may not be enough to keep him married to her, but he cannot leave without admitting it's all on him, even if he was faithful.

 

While you are an interlocutor in their marriage you are NOT part and parcel to it. How, when and IF it ends is not for you to decide - only to influence. You will drive yourself nuts if you keep going down this path. Make your desires known to him and then either wait or inform the BS to get the ball rolling. You could also walk but Im thinking you won't (but you prolly should). So, tell him your desires then either wait for him to act or act yourself. Thats all you can do. Thinking about motivations in THEIR marriage is crazy-making.

[woinlove]

Carrie, I'm surprised to read that you are not exactly her friend, because when the affair was first starting you did describe her as a friend and described some of the time you spent with her. Perhaps your perception shifted (as it did about his marriage and your fiance) as the affair progressed, but she doesn't have the information you have, so there is no reason her perception will shift along with hers.

 

The idea that a friend and husband would collude to deceive is not one that most people entertain and I would be very surprised if this doesn't come as a huge shock when it is finally revealed. I think people involved in affairs often underestimate the trust placed in them by those who love them. Perhaps that is what is going on in your case.

[Taramere]

How can she know there's a sexual relationship going on when she hasn't been told there is? You haven't given her facts....only little clues and hints that might be enough to give rise to doubts and suspicions, but may not feel like enough, from her perspective, to ask outright "are the two of you having an affair?"

 

The fact that she doesn't know there's an affair going on isn't her choice. Its yours and her husband's.

[greengoddess]

aren't you married too and all good friends? Where's your husband during this?

[bentnotbroken]

This sounds to me like you have issues you wish to project on others. You are the one up to know good so to speak, why should you believe she is gathering or having her own affair. Some people are JUST kind, trusting and treat people well...even when they don't deserve it.

Edited March 29, 2011 by bentnotbroken

[whichwayisup]

I think you should stop thinking and wondering about her and their marriage, if she finds out, (you assume/hope) he'll choose you. Don't be too confident about that.. MANY WS's throw their AP's under the bus, and change their mind once a Dday happens. You aren't inside her head, you don't know what goes on between them behind closed doors. They still have a life together, sleep in the same bed, do things as a couple.

 

If you are happy being the OW, then just accept things as they are and don't push or hope for the time she finds out. Things will change and possibly not in your favour.

 

Are you married as well?

[Lizzie60]

I have not read the whole thread.. so maybe this was said.. but maybe it is convenient for her NOT to know.. in that case, she can be sexless as she probably wishes (she knows he gets it somewhere else, so she's can be left alone)..

 

or

 

she has a slight idea that he MAY be cheating.. but she prefers to think he's not..

 

I sincerely think that if MOST women would reallly look into it.. most would find out their H are cheaters.. but most prefer not to...

[PhoenixRise]

Carrie, I'm surprised to read that you are not exactly her friend, because when the affair was first starting you did describe her as a friend and described some of the time you spent with her. Perhaps your perception shifted (as it did about his marriage and your fiance) as the affair progressed, but she doesn't have the information you have, so there is no reason her perception will shift along with hers.

 

The idea that a friend and husband would collude to deceive is not one that most people entertain and I would be very surprised if this doesn't come as a huge shock when it is finally revealed. I think people involved in affairs often underestimate the trust placed in them by those who love them. Perhaps that is what is going on in your case.

 

 

When I first spoke to my H's FOW she was absolutely floored that I didn't know about the affair. She said to me several times "I can't believe you didn't know" and "I thought you were just looking the other way". I also saw this sentiment expressed in some of their correspondence.

 

As far as FOW is concerned based on what I read of their correspondence I am convinced that her belief that I MUST know or suspect was pretty self serving and was a way of alleviating their own guilt. It let them think that I was a somewhat active participant in the affair that my H's was very concerned with keeping a secret.

 

I wish I could say I knew and was just strategically ignoring it until I was ready to deal.

 

Truth is, I was completely blindsided.

 

Truth is, I completely trusted my husband. I absolutely believed he loved me (he does). I completely believed in his expressed and demonstrated values. I believed in his character and integrity. I believed in the man that I thought he was. The man that I had known for most of his adult life.

 

I trusted him not to hurt me.

 

And because I trusted him I made it very easy for him to cheat. I never checked up on him. Never looked at his phone. Never checked the phone bill. Never looked at his emails or checked the computer history.

 

If she reacts to his going out with you the same way she reacted to him going out with his guy friends it probably means she trusts him. She can't imagine that he would ever cheat on her.

 

And if she considers YOU a friend when she doesn't make friends easily, then she probably trusts you too.

[bentnotbroken]

When I first spoke to my H's FOW she was absolutely floored that I didn't know about the affair. She said to me several times "I can't believe you didn't know" and "I thought you were just looking the other way". I also saw this sentiment expressed in some of their correspondence.

 

As far as FOW is concerned based on what I read of their correspondence I am convinced that her belief that I MUST know or suspect was pretty self serving and was a way of alleviating their own guilt. It let them think that I was a somewhat active participant in the affair that my H's was very concerned with keeping a secret.

 

I wish I could say I knew and was just strategically ignoring it until I was ready to deal.

 

Truth is, I was completely blindsided.

 

Truth is, I completely trusted my husband. I absolutely believed he loved me (he does). I completely believed in his expressed and demonstrated values. I believed in his character and integrity. I believed in the man that I thought he was. The man that I had known for most of his adult life.

 

I trusted him not to hurt me.

 

And because I trusted him I made it very easy for him to cheat. I never checked up on him. Never looked at his phone. Never checked the phone bill. Never looked at his emails or checked the computer history.

 

If she reacts to his going out with you the same way she reacted to him going out with his guy friends it probably means she trusts him. She can't imagine that he would ever cheat on her.

 

And if she considers YOU a friend when she doesn't make friends easily, then she probably trusts you too.

 

 

I got the same thing..."I can't believe you didn't know", Yet they did everything they could to hide it, gas light, go to neighboring cities, hide at friends houses. Yeah, it's like they wanted me to know:rolleyes:Open mouth, speak the words.

[Taramere]

I got the same thing..."I can't believe you didn't know", Yet they did everything they could to hide it, gas light, go to neighboring cities, hide at friends houses. Yeah, it's like they wanted me to know:rolleyes:Open mouth, speak the words.

 

It puts me in mind of rapist drugging somebody, having sex with them and then saying "Oh come on...you must have seen me put the Rohypnol in your drink. You must have known what was going on. Deep down you knew what I was doing, and you were fine with it...admit it."

[Quiet Storm]

She is probably very confident that he is never going to leave her, and she allows you to meet the needs that she is no longer interested in meeting.

 

She may no longer have a sex drive, and she has accepted that he will get those needs met elsewhere. She may even be relieved that his needs are being met elsewhere. It doesn't bother her because she doesn't want sex from him. You are doing her dirty work.

 

If he had no way to get his needs filled, he would be unhappy. He would feel driven to make a change, to do something about his marriage. To encourage his wife to meet his needs, or end the marriage.

 

His needs are being met by you, so there is no reason for him to make changes in his life. He can have his marriage and neither spouse has to put any effort into making things better. If his needs were not being met, he would feel discontent.

 

You are helping them to stay married.

[whichwayisup]

She is probably very confident that he is never going to leave her, and she allows you to meet the needs that she is no longer interested in meeting.

 

She may no longer have a sex drive, and she has accepted that he will get those needs met elsewhere. She may even be relieved that his needs are being met elsewhere. It doesn't bother her because she doesn't want sex from him. You are doing her dirty work.

 

If he had no way to get his needs filled, he would be unhappy. He would feel driven to make a change, to do something about his marriage. To encourage his wife to meet his needs, or end the marriage.

 

His needs are being met by you, so there is no reason for him to make changes in his life. He can have his marriage and neither spouse has to put any effort into making things better. If his needs were not being met, he would feel discontent.

 

You are helping them to stay married.

 

I think so too. Things are probably day in and day out routine, some bordem for him and now he has you to fulfill what's missing..But that isn't enough to make him up and leave his wife, the life he's become accustomed to.

 

Either accept your role as the OW in his life, enjoy it for what it is, no hopes or expectations that he'll be ALL yours one day or end it.

 

This works for him. It's an affair..Sure he may really love you but not enough to walk away and change his whole life, and start over.

 

Carrie, what about your SO? Are you still in a relationship too? If so, why are you cheating on someone you're not married to? Why not just end it so that guy can find someone who will love him and not cheat on him?

Edited March 29, 2011 by whichwayisup

[Spark1111]

When I first spoke to my H's FOW she was absolutely floored that I didn't know about the affair. She said to me several times "I can't believe you didn't know" and "I thought you were just looking the other way". I also saw this sentiment expressed in some of their correspondence.

 

As far as FOW is concerned based on what I read of their correspondence I am convinced that her belief that I MUST know or suspect was pretty self serving and was a way of alleviating their own guilt. It let them think that I was a somewhat active participant in the affair that my H's was very concerned with keeping a secret.

 

I wish I could say I knew and was just strategically ignoring it until I was ready to deal.

 

Truth is, I was completely blindsided.

 

Truth is, I completely trusted my husband. I absolutely believed he loved me (he does). I completely believed in his expressed and demonstrated values. I believed in his character and integrity. I believed in the man that I thought he was. The man that I had known for most of his adult life.

 

I trusted him not to hurt me.

 

And because I trusted him I made it very easy for him to cheat. I never checked up on him. Never looked at his phone. Never checked the phone bill. Never looked at his emails or checked the computer history.

 

If she reacts to his going out with you the same way she reacted to him going out with his guy friends it probably means she trusts him. She can't imagine that he would ever cheat on her.

 

And if she considers YOU a friend when she doesn't make friends easily, then she probably trusts you too.

 

Excellent post PR!

 

This too is how I felt, trusting to the point of naivete.

 

H's xOW tried to convince him I must have a boyfriend, I must have an inkling, blah, blah, blah. maybe it made her feel better.

 

I thought he was working late and playing cards with the guys once in a while. I totally trusted him.

 

Meanwhile, he had a friend/mentor from work who did call a lot. I was happy for him, idiot that I am.

 

It was his OW, whose name was disguised as a man in his cell.

 

Maybe she didn't know he did this? Maybe she assumed I must know?

 

I did not know at all.

 

Sounds like she trusts both him and you. Maybe she questioned him and he told her not to worry as he wasn't the least bit attracted to other than a hiking buddy.

 

Maybe she is being gaslighted, like so many BS, in the extreme. And then maybe, he tells you or agrees with every assumption you make about her behavior.

[xxoo]

Sounds like she trusts both him and you. Maybe she questioned him and he told her not to worry as he wasn't the least bit attracted to other than a hiking buddy.

 

Yes, this is perfectly believable to me.

 

It is also possible that she knows, and is turning a blind eye. But if you are also married, that makes it a little easier for me to believe she thinks an affair is unlikely (it's not like he is going hiking with a single woman). I think it is more likely that he's gaslighting her, and telling her things like "she's not even my type"...."we're both married"...."nothing to worry about".

 

For some people, leaping to "they are having an affair" is a HUGE leap because they never imagined their spouse would be capable of such a betrayal.

[BB07]

Carrie.....if I were you I'd think less about IF she knows or not but more about what might happen if she DOES without a doubt find out. The usual scenario is that the OW gets thrown under the bus and you are going to have one very, very pissed off wife which is complicated by the fact that she sees you as a friend, and she very well may be out for your blood. It could and probably will get very, very ugly.