brownhair Posted April 3, 2004 Share Posted April 3, 2004 Dear all, it's been six months now since I found out my husband cheated on me. It happened in a period of two years in which we were both going through a rough emotional time because I had had two miscarriages, the last one at five months pregnancy. As I was not very active sexually because of emotional and fysical reasons and because he didn't want to bother me with his sexual needs he started going to a prostitute every now and then, and a year later he also started having sex with a friend of mine who was a little "bored" in her marriage. The "deal" was that it would only be sex as my husband still loved me and didn't want to leave me. He also kept going to prostitutes now and then because he didn't want to get too emotionally involved with my friend. I found out about all of this myself, he would never have told me because he didn't want to hurt me. He was devastated when I found out, especially because I took it really bad. Having had a miscarriage at 5 months had already damaged my self-esteem somehow and had made me depressed, and other fysical problems and family matters had further taken my energy and joy. Finding out my husband was having "fun" by himself with other women was the final blow, it shook my self confidence very deeply. My husband is doing everything he can to help me, he is very loving, we have good sex again like we did when we first met and he says he only did what he did because he thought I didn't want to have sex anymore. He promised he will never do it again. So my question now is - how do you stop the doubts, the fears, the paranoia ? Any tips or tricks are welcome. I really want to give our relationship a chance. Nothing my husband does or says suggests he's lying, he is deeply ashamed of what he did and wishes he could "erase" those two years and he feels really bad about the effect the whole thing is having on me. My problem is that my fears say that if he's done it before and didn't care enough about me not to, he'll do it again whenever he feels like it and just take more care that I don't find out. My mind and my heart say that he feels so guilty about what he did and the deep pain he's caused me, he couldn't do it again and he will stick to his promise even when tempted - like I think any decent partner should. If you have been through this with your partner I would be very grateful for any tips to build the trust again. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
mb2cute Posted April 3, 2004 Share Posted April 3, 2004 Im sorry, but i stand by the always a cheater slogan. I just feel that if you let them get away with it, for one, you will not be able to get past it, two, they know you love them enough to take them back if they do it again. i have had my husband who only called another woman, and i still dont trust him. it's been 7 months and i still dont know if i even believe that he didnt actually cheat. so realize you are better than that, and your husband didnt look so loving while he was cheating with your best friend instead of helping you though your emotional problems. Link to post Share on other sites
Goatsbreath Posted April 3, 2004 Share Posted April 3, 2004 Cheaters always have excuses. If he felt there was a problem in the bedroom then dont you think he should of come to you first - not a prostitute, or worse- a friend of yours. I was with a girl for several years and she cheated on me. She said all the same crap. How sorry she was, bla, bla, bla. Then guess what. Being the dumb **** I was I took her back. Then guess what- she did it again. Then guess what........yup- I took her back. Then guess what- yup- she did it again. I know it sounds pathetic but for some reason I kept buying her bull shiiit. I think some where a circle evolved. I wasnt able to ever forgive her for the first time and so I harbored anger. In this- I didn't put forth 100% of my emotions/feelings for fear that she would just step on them again. Still I loved her and wanted to. But then- she would go looking elsewhere for the emotions I was holding back. I did this for six years. Its not worth it. Maybe someone else will give you a better experience with the cheater. For me, the cheater is a cold selfish bitch that dont need to be in my company. Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 Are you and your husband going to counseling? Link to post Share on other sites
Author brownhair Posted April 4, 2004 Author Share Posted April 4, 2004 Sorry you guys but I was really asking for some positive things. No, we're not going to counseling. I would like to but my husband doesn't. Here in Europe it's not that "in" anyway so it's a bigger step to take for him - he's not the sort of person that likes talking about his feelings and emotions. I myself have seen a counselor who said that if I still care to stay in this relationship and I want to give him a chance then I should give it a try. If he ever does it again I will immediately end the relationship and he knows that. I understand (although I do not agree) that he had a "reason" this time to go looking for sex elsewhere, but he doesn't have that "reason" anymore now so no more excuses if there is a next time. And yes, I really do believe he does not intend to ever do it again. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 Give <URL removed> a try. Link to post Share on other sites
Author brownhair Posted April 4, 2004 Author Share Posted April 4, 2004 Thank you Moimeme, I checked out the site and found it very interesting and useful. Link to post Share on other sites
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