Holy s**t. It happened. Just got the tearful phone call. She wants me back.

[Ajax]

I've finally caught myself up on this thread, and have to say it's one of the more significant ones we've had in a long time. I'd like to throw my support out to Sudden, but can't say that at this point I have a whole lot of avice to offer that hasn't already been given.

 

I tend to agree with Greenpolicy and Graceful though in my skepicism.

 

Sudden, what's just happened to you is what all of us dempees hope to happen. You've been contacted in hopes of reconciling! Yup, as a major car salesman in my area often says in his advertisements, "it's HUGE!"

 

And I know I'm preaching to the choir here, but be careful. She has a history of recklessly abandoning people she's involved with. I can't and won't say to cut her off or not consider taking her back at all, because if I'm going to be honest with myself, I can't say I wouldn't if my ex were to come back to me crying... etc...

 

Just watch your caboose Sudden. And good luck!

 

 

 

 

Hey... Homebrew's back!

[poorguy]

You nailed it!

 

Looks like I was struck with a case of G.I.G.S. again... This time in the cyber world...

 

The fact that you respected my break up and went NC... brought me back!

 

I realize now that I made a mistake and I want to be back together again with LS...

 

Can I please have a second chance?

 

Haha...I don't see why not. Of course only under certain conditions

1. I hope you spent some time reflecting on the relationship with LS and what went wrong

2. Weren't out banging every other forum on the internet

3. Aren't using LS as some sort of rebound

4. Have spent some time alone getting yourself back

5. Actually want to come back because you want to come back all on your own

 

This is LS's first second chance relationship-Guess we'll see how it works out lol...Ok I'm done hijacking the thread, but for those of us who go back a while you know you can't but think this is sort of funny

[homebrew]

Haha...I don't see why not. Of course only under certain conditions

1. I hope you spent some time reflecting on the relationship with LS and what went wrong

2. Weren't out banging every other forum on the internet

3. Aren't using LS as some sort of rebound

4. Have spent some time alone getting yourself back

5. Actually want to come back because you want to come back all on your own

 

This is LS's first second chance relationship-Guess we'll see how it works out lol...Ok I'm done hijacking the thread, but for those of us who go back a while you know you can't but think this is sort of funny

 

Now... That was FUNNY!!!!!

[DarkAngel7]

Reading this makes me feel kind of bad lol. I never even knew what G.I.G.S was until joining this site last week. I now realize how many guys I have "played around with" because of g.i.g.s. Granted I am just turning 22 this year...Oh and I never cheated. But damn I don't think a girl is evil for having g.i.g.s. People grow up.

 

I dated a guy that was perfect(as close as it gets). He was amazing,considerate,always did the most romantic things. Always cared about how I felt, he was great. I met him at 19, we were friends for a long time due to me not wanting a rship. Then when it got "heavy" I dipped on him. I just told him out of the blue that I liked someone else and left it at that. I knew the other guy wasn't better than him. But due to the fact that it was LDR, and the guy was closer to me. Also just being so young and not wanting to settle down. I tend to attract a lot of serial monogamists and I got scared, because I knew that if I got serious with the guy...it would probably end up in marriage. I am not even kidding...he was so great that I felt if we got any deeper he would be the one. At 20 I wasn't ready for that, and ended it. Only reason I am telling that story is because it seems most of the guys on this site think women are evil or just go for the next best thing.

[NXS]

Reading this makes me feel kind of bad lol. I never even knew what G.I.G.S was until joining this site last week. I now realize how many guys I have "played around with" because of g.i.g.s. Granted I am just turning 22 this year...Oh and I never cheated. But damn I don't think a girl is evil for having g.i.g.s. People grow up.

 

I dated a guy that was perfect(as close as it gets). He was amazing,considerate,always did the most romantic things. Always cared about how I felt, he was great. I met him at 19, we were friends for a long time due to me not wanting a rship. Then when it got "heavy" I dipped on him. I just told him out of the blue that I liked someone else and left it at that. I knew the other guy wasn't better than him. But due to the fact that it was LDR, and the guy was closer to me. Also just being so young and not wanting to settle down. I tend to attract a lot of serial monogamists and I got scared, because I knew that if I got serious with the guy...it would probably end up in marriage. I am not even kidding...he was so great that I felt if we got any deeper he would be the one. At 20 I wasn't ready for that, and ended it. Only reason I am telling that story is because it seems most of the guys on this site think women are evil or just go for the next best thing.

 

Hey enjoy riding the carousel......it's not going to last. One day you'll start crawling back to all those nice guys and they'll probably tell you where to go.

[homebrew]

Only reason I am telling that story is because it seems most of the guys on this site think women are evil or just go for the next best thing.

 

Personally... I view a break up amongst people that are dating a success!

 

Don't believe me? Go spend some time in the Divorce Forum... You want to know he11? Add assets, kids, lawyers, etc. into the "break up" mix.

 

I wish more people would break up before going ahead and getting married. People that think it will be the "trick" that makes them happy and that it will make the relationship work are nuts!

[GreenPolicy]

I am never friends with any of my exes. I was never interested in seeing any of them as friends. I want it all; the whole package and won't accept anything less than that.

 

Well this girl moved to her home state to get a job and be closer to her family. We didn't feel like enough was invested for me to move with her. And it's not like we're best buddies that chat on Skype all the time or something, we're just friendly and periodically catch up. You can do that when neither party has any romantic feelings.

[GreenPolicy]

First off, I was totally expecting that the new guy must be treating her badly, was an a$$-h0le, argued a lot....something. I assumed something must be horribly wrong in their relationship, and she was just trying to come back to her safety net. But this was not the case. She said their relationship has been wonderful. He treats her well.

 

This is even worse if what she says is true. A mature, adult female would not be kicking a guy like this to the curb. She'd be thanking her lucky stars for finding such a gentleman. It's like she ordered at a restaurant and continues to look at the menu while the chef is preparing her entree. If this guy is wonderful and treats her right and that's not good enough for her, and can't hold her interest and attention, then what does that say about her? And if there are problems with this guy and he is in fact not treating her right, or he is severely lacking in some way, what does it say about her that she doesn't have the guts to end it, but is instead feeling you out behind his back? She says she has known for four months that this is not what she wants. So why hasn't she been single for four months? Why has it taken her this long to reach out to you? I'll tell you why: it's because they've been together about five months now. The honeymoon and initial buzz is over, and she is starting to realize that he has warts and flaws just like every other guy she's ever dated. And she can't accept those flaws and realize that in order to make a relationship work, she either has to accept him as he is or end it. That would be the mature, adult thing to do. Instead she is stepping out behind his back trying to find somebody else so she won't be alone.

 

 

 

Secondly, this did not take 5 months

 

It took five months for their honeymoon to end.

 

It was a mere 30 days before she started to regret what she had done. She said after I saw those pictures, she was sure I hated her, and would never talk to her again. So she did her best to make things work with the new guy, but no matter what she tried I was always on her mind. Her e-mail which I ignored? She was expecting a response to see that I did not hate her, so that she could try to re-open dialogue and fix things. After not responding, she knew her only shot at contact with me was when I went down to her state for this work meeting. So this has been in the plans for some time.

 

If I recall at the time, she sent you a lame email where she tried to justify her actions. If she realized at the time that she had made a mistake and that you were the guy she really wanted to be with, she would have said so. The reason she didn't is because she was in the honeymoon stage with the new guy when everything was fresh and exciting, and if the facebook pictures hadn't emerged, she would have been able to make a clean getaway. When you saw those pics, she decided she had to do damage control because she didn't want to feel bad about f*cking you over.

 

As far as her still being with this guy? She said she has known for a while that he is not the one, but he has not done anything wrong per se, so it's been very hard for her to make the move because she knows it will kill him. Regardless, it IS something she will be doing. After doing so, she will be on her own without me, without him. She said it killed her to hurt me once, and she WILL NOT do it a second time. She knows what she needs to do.

 

And you believe this self-serving BS? Don't be surprised if she stays with him, or if she finds a third party to latch onto instead of actually dumping him and being single.

[Eddie Edirol]

Trust me. I completely agree. There is a reason I did not jump right back in to this. A lot of work needs to be done. I value your input, but I'm the only one who spent personal time with this girl, and I feel this is a genuine attempt as a second chance. Has she handled it maturely? Absolutely not. But she did have the courage to do what many a prideful/attractive girl with unlimited options would not. Does this mean marriage is in the future? No. But this time alone will be her time to think and mature emotionally. My joy is in the CHANCE, and the feeling that I was indeed someone special in her mind....NOT the certainty that this will work out in the end.

 

And may I add that MANY people after receiving NC, and assuming the ex may despise them would "test the waters" before acting on their own to plead for reconciliation. "Calling in the troops" ie. having some friends do some recon is not uncommon, and is almost expected after getting the silent treatment for 5 months straight.

 

Heres two questions I have for you, because you pretty much have this sorted out well. I apologize that Im as cynical as everyone else, but i have to ask.

 

1.) Do you know what made her leave you in the first place, and how do you know it wont happen again? It wasnt a fear of commitment, it was a fear of bieng with you for some reason, did you ever get the real reason from her? What was it that turned her off about you that she decided to leave you? Shouldnt even consider her until she can give you that answer. what she told you when she broke it off wasnt a real reason, she didnt want to tell you the real reason then.

 

2.) How will you get proof that she isnt still with this guy at the point that you start "courting" her again? How do you know she will be truly alone for a while to really think when shes waiting for you to give her the go ahead, besides you taking her word as truth?

 

She was mentally ready (allegedly) to have you meet her parents one week before she dumped you, she obviously didnt tell you that she wasnt really sure at the time, how can you believe anything she says, and not think she is manipulating you again?

[RomoGuy]

Great thread.. alot of great advice in here, enjoy reading.... Good to see you back Homebrew

[GreenPolicy]

One more thing sudden: I'm not trying to rain on your parade or sh*t all over your thread. I'm pretty sure almost all of us dumpees have hoped that our exes would wake up and smell the coffee, realize their mistake, and humbly come back to us, hat in hand, looking for a second chance. And here you are with what appears to be just that scenario coming to pass.

 

I just want to say that it's a MAJOR RED FLAG that she's approaching you while she's still involved with this guy. And that her reasoning and explanation for why she did what she did, why she is still dating this guy, doesn't really pass the smell test. And even if she is being honest about her motivations for still being with this guy, waiting until you came to her office to lay out how she feels, etc, that still does not speak well of her or her maturity level. Taking what she says at face value does not make her actions right or defensible really.

 

I'd be a lot more optimistic if she had dumped the guy already because she realized that's not what she wanted, was coming to you single and with a clean slate, and was willing to approach you directly instead of sending the friend in first for recon duty. If it's so important to her to reconcile, why did she wait until you traveled to her office? Do they not have cell phones or email in her town?

 

Listen to your head and not your heart and it won't steer you wrong. I just don't want this girl to screw you over twice, and there's nothing in here that seems to indicate she's grown or learned any lessons.

[Fufu]

As much as I love to see a happy ending I do agree with GreenPolicy.

 

A person who wants to be with you will do whatever it takes to show you he/she wants to be with you.

 

let's see how it works out, however remember if it's negative and not something you want, do not fall into the emotional depressing stage again.

[holly1234]

Great news just be in control now the future is in your hands!

[Feelin Frisky]

sorry that may have sounded weird, not YOU you, I mean: can a username be changed?

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to qualify your post. I was halfway to hurt before I read your follow up.

[carhill]

That's quite unusual for me. I've had 4 LTR and 1 M and all of them came back for a reconciliation at one point or another even though in some instances they initiated the break.

In the past, I tended to pick pragmatic, unemotional women. As an example, my exW was living with a new guy before our divorce was final. All business. Fixed the picker, so maybe the future will be different. Granted I had no interest in any of them once it was 'over', so maybe that was telling.

[mmiller5373]

I've been away from the boards for a while due to a move (yes, another one) and some vacation time in my hometown. sudden, our breakups occurred about the same time and I always felt like our situations were very similar, with one difference being that you held your head up the entire time and I, well, totally fell apart and acted nuts.

 

This new information about your ex doesn't surprise me at all. I was expecting your girl to come back at some point, just not this early. Be careful man. My ex did something similar to me during our first breakup and look how it all turned out in the end. She broke up with me and said she was moving on, even dated a few guys. A few months later she adds me on Facebook again. She commented on some of my posts. Then she emailed me asking me about my life. Next thing I know, she's showing up at my house crying to tell me she made a bad decision and that she misses me. That went on for a few weeks until we got back together. And that lasted 3 months. Nothing but pure selfishness. I'm not saying your ex is selfish, but please, dude... take it slow. Don't get too involved and definitely don't get your hopes up. You don't want to start falling in love with her again and then BAM, get hurt and go back to Day 1 of the healing process. My ex came and went many times... each time breaking me down even more.

 

Homebrew, good to see you are back. I've been feeling a lot better despite finding out some new information about my ex back in January (she's pregnant and getting married after dating this new guy only 4 months). Your threads always seem to help.

[Movingthrough]

I just want to say that it's a MAJOR RED FLAG that she's approaching you while she's still involved with this guy. And that her reasoning and explanation for why she did what she did, why she is still dating this guy, doesn't really pass the smell test. And even if she is being honest about her motivations for still being with this guy, waiting until you came to her office to lay out how she feels, etc, that still does not speak well of her or her maturity level. Taking what she says at face value does not make her actions right or defensible really.

 

I'd be a lot more optimistic if she had dumped the guy already because she realized that's not what she wanted, was coming to you single and with a clean slate, and was willing to approach you directly instead of sending the friend in first for recon duty. If it's so important to her to reconcile, why did she wait until you traveled to her office? Do they not have cell phones or email in her town?

 

First off, i know sudden will be fine because he has handled it great so far. But the above quote has been my issue with the whole thing too because my ex did it to me also. She was with a guy who she said was basically a joke (i knew she was lying) then telling me how she felt. It always feels good to have what happened to sudden but for anyone to hang on to a relationship (her current guy) when she knows its not good and then call another guy crying etc, is the biggest red flag ever made. Down the line, she will do it to someone else too.

 

I think even if sudden gave it another shot, he wouldnt be screwed in the end because of how he handles things, but i dont think she has any idea what she wants overall, which isnt really a bad thing, just a learning expierence. Huge pet peve of mine though is the whole "I cant break it off because i dont want to hurt him" type stuff. Then why are you with him? Seriously, give me a break.

[WorldIsYours]

She doesn't want you back and neither do you. Both of you are messing around to feed your egos while her BF is getting cheated on.

[suddendumpee]

As an update. She has ended her R/L. She did it 3 days after our conversation. She tried to call me the night she did it, but I didn't answer. I texted her the next day. "Sorry I missed you, what's up?"...she said she just wanted to tell me that she has decided to take my advice and take some time to herself. She said my advice was good and sound and she appreciated it. I have not talked to her since that first call last Monday, but there have been some pointless texts here and there. Phase 1 is complete. Now back to living my life. We'll see where this goes (if anywhere). I will be fine either way.

[Movingthrough]

As an update. She has ended her R/L. She did it 3 days after our conversation. She tried to call me the night she did it, but I didn't answer. I texted her the next day. "Sorry I missed you, what's up?"...she said she just wanted to tell me that she has decided to take my advice and take some time to herself. She said my advice was good and sound and she appreciated it. I have not talked to her since that first call last Monday, but there have been some pointless texts here and there. Phase 1 is complete. Now back to living my life. We'll see where this goes (if anywhere). I will be fine either way.

 

Nice. There are very few people that would have handled everything like you have. Its hard to keep the discipline when your ex is telling you she is single etc.

 

Good job man.

[mmiller5373]

You must feel awesome, sudden. There's still a long way to go... but you must feel awesome. Congrats.

[robinseggblue]

Looking forward to hearing how this goes.

[suddendumpee]

A little update here. I did something I would have never been capable of doing just a few months ago. After she called me three nights in a row, I took a stand for what I believe is the RIGHT (not the easy) thing to do.

 

I explained to her that I felt we were moving to quickly down a path that reminded me of the first time we got together. Too soon after a previous relationship, no time to herself etc. I explained that I had no intention of becoming like one of her girlfriends. I told her that she needed time to herself, and that us talking was not doing either of us any good. We already knew each other. She had 6 months to realize what she had lost. But as long as we were talking, I could not trust that she wanted to get back together for the right reasons. I let her know that anything less than "100% certainty, I can't live without you, I love you" was not enough for me, and that without being on her own for a while, she can't know her true feelings.

 

I made it very clear to her that I felt that if we both had the same level of commitment things would be (she interrupted) "perfect". She understood what I needed, and said it would be hard, but she would do it for the sake of us. She had one request. I was having surgery the next day, and she wanted me to let her know I was ok. I agreed.

 

The next day, I texted her "Well, I made it out alive. Just so you know, I will miss you no doubt. Please take good care of yourself"

 

Her response: "Yay, I'm glad you are ok. And PLEASE don't make it sound like we are never going to talk again...I Hope it's quite the opposite Enjoy your break because I WILL be back Mucho kisses to you, and I hope you have a speedy recovery!"

 

This all happened on Thursday, and she has thus far obeyed my wishes of no contact. I feel this is the right move, because if she comes back, I will be SURE that she is serious, and this is the first step in rebuilding trust. If she doesn't...well, I saved myself wasting a lot of time.

I hope that in the end, my story can be used as a "how to" for handling breakups. I feel I have done everything right, and by the sound in her voice and what she has said, it sounds like a girl who has realized that she is madly in love with me. And I GUARANTEE this girl has NEVER had a guy turn her down and cast her aside before. If/when we DO get back together, it will be 50/50 as I have gained a significant amount of her respect by the way I have handled things.

 

MORE TO COME!

[LifeIsGreat]

I think sometimes that we are so concerned with winning back our ex's that we don't take time to really consider if we should be back with our ex's. Maybe that's just human nature.

 

Anyway, I think most will agree with me that the vast majority of the time second chances don't work. Even for all those people (like myself) who have multiple stories of having dumpers come back--- where are they now? Are we still with those ex's, or are those ex's now ex- ex's?

 

Most of the time you serve yourself much better by simply moving on after a break-up. All this posturing, analyzing, and strategizing probably will end up in heartache again--- so why bother? I'm not being negative; I'm being realistic.

 

There are some very limited circumstances where a second chance makes sense. I have to say, I don't just see this being one of those- IMHO.

[suddendumpee]

There are some very limited circumstances where a second chance makes sense. I have to say, I don't just see this being one of those- IMHO.

 

Thanks for your opinions. Can you elaborate on this last part?