My marriage or a new life?

[praying4answers]

I guess I just want to get some other perspectives about my situation. I have never posted to a message board before. But, here goes. I got married at age 21 back in 1995. Looking back I see clearly that I was too young to make that kind of life-long decision. However, that is beside the point. Here is my story and my delimma:

 

My husband has always been a heavy drinker and the problem has only escalated in our 8 plus years of marriage, About 2 years ago, while trying to concieve a child and while seeking infertiltiy treatment, my husband came home drunk. We were arguing terribly and to make a long story short, I found a marajuna pipe in his jeans pocket. He had been smoking marajuan for a year at work and with his friends behind my back. I felt so betrayed and unloved. This is when I started consodering leaving him.

 

Among the drug use, I need to add that my husband has a son whom he does not see or support. He is ordered to pay child support and during our marriage has been to jail for not paying it several times (imagine waking up at 530 am to a sherriff knocking on your door to arrest your husband for child support). He also has not paid his income taxes in over 10 years (we have never filed together thank God). In addition he is verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, has slammed me againt walls, thown me down and choked me ect. So, beween the drug use, the drinking ( he has been arrested several times for DUI and also totaled a brand new truck, which I cosigned for), the nonpayment of child support and lack of concern for his son, and the taxes, I began to question the kind of future I was going to have with him.

 

One day about 2 years ago, for the millionth time, I sat down with him and told him how I was feeling and what I needed in order for our marriage to work. I felt myself slipping away from him. It had been a slow process but I knew the situation could go on no longer. HE had promised so many times before to get himself togehter and stop the drinking and drug use, and take care of all the rest. But nothing ever changed...ever.

 

Finally, fed up, I left and moved in with family members about a year and a half ago. This was a scary thing to do as I was in college seeking my degree in education. I need to add here that I did graduate college in December 2003 and now I am teaching High School and loving it. Since our seperation, I have met someone who lives in another state. I have visited him several times and our relationship has been growing for over a year. He embodies those traits which I sought in my husband yet never found. Our relationship has grown quite serious and now I am at a crossroad and so confused. I dont know why neither of us have filed for divorce. We still see each other (it's a total mess)!

 

It's been long enough and if I dont make a decision to do something I am only hurting everyone involved. I am a believer in God. Iv read all about how God hates divorce and I know I should not have feelings for another. Yet, do I just trust God that all these bad things in my past marriage will some how magically go away or do I decide to go on? I do not want to make a mistake either way. It's tough loving two people and I know it is wrong.

 

Since our seperation both of us have been unfaithful to the other. I did it for love. He did it to hurt me (so he says). He was mad that I had gone to visit another man (I cant blame him for being angry) I love him but how much do I put up with? What kind of father would he be if we had kids? I see how he is with his son. He says it would be differnet if we had kids. He blames not seeing his son on the mom.

 

Do I divorce and pack up and go be with the man I have fallen in love with or do I honor what the Bible says and stay in my marriage no matter what the circimstances are? The last thing I want to do is hurt my husband. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone but at this point that cannot be stopped.

It's too late for that.

 

I have been praying for an answer and hopefully God will anser soon. If anyone can provide me with some perspetives or offer me something to think about, it would be much appreciated

[moimeme]

The marriage ceremony says 'What God has joined together let no man put asunder'. However, how can we tell what 'God has joined together'? Do you honestly think God meant you to live in suffering forever? Is it not possible that you erred in judgement the first time and so it was not God at all that joined you together?

 

Humans are notoriously inaccurate at discerning the will of God. Divorce the husband and pray that this new man is the man God truly wanted you to be with.

[magda]

Have you talked to a pastor? Is your husband willing to undergo treatment for alcoholism? Does he attend AA or anything?

 

From the way you describe your relationship with your husband, with all the abuse buzzwords and everything, it sounds like you want us to say God won't mind if you divorce or find you a loophole like mememm has done. I mean, you might've thought've that before the new guy.

 

I say, do what you are going to do anyway. God forgives, right?

[praying4answers]

Yes, it is very possible that I erred in judgment when I married my husband. Not to sound like a holy roller, as I am definitely not, but God states, "do not be unequally yolked." I know in my heart that when I married my husband I became unequally yolked.

 

The man I have deep feelings for in the other state would most definitely not be an "unequally yolked relationship". He is a man of God and he abides by the law as is an officer of the law and truly believes what he has chosen as a career is a calling not a job. I'm not saying that I think he is perfect as he is not. We do however, maintain the same beliefs about God and spirituality as well as morals and values.

 

I agree with you that God doesn't want me to be miserable forever and I know he will not give me trials and hardaches beyond what I can handle. Yet, I feel I am not handling this! As of Thursday before last, my husband admitted to smoking a joint with a coworker after work. He says that since then he wants to change and he will stop smoking and get himself together. He says he wants me back and will do anything to get me back from the arms of another man.

 

I can honestly say at various points of this 2 year separation we have both felt and caused false hope. Or is it false hope? Sometimes I feel like it is the comfort of a familiar relationship that I long for and that is my reason for not letting go and filing for the divorce. I think it is also that I get so lonely I just long for someone to talk to and he has made it so easy for him to be the one I go to to rid my loneliness. I can tell you, my marriage has not been one of comfort. What is my problem?

 

I do not know whether I am coming or going. All I know is that I have been begging for answers from God and I am still more confused as ever. I love two men, though differently. I see a future with the man I fell in love with in another state. The future I want and deserve. When I try to look and perceive a future with my husband all I can see is darkness, fear, and the unknown.

 

I lived so many years not knowing if my husband would come home at night Worrying about if he got thrown in jail for whatever reason. I don't know why I still love him but I do. However, I love another man too...very much so. Is that even possible? I have a ticket to fly out this Thursday to go see this person again. If my husband finds out he will go nuts.

 

Am i forced to lie to my husband. I don't know what to do. I do know that I am going. I want to share face to face with this man my fears and doubts and concerns as well as tell him how much I have missed him and that I love him. The man I am going to see knows I am confused about uprooting and leaving my family and finding a new job there and he says we will talk about it more when I come to visit.

 

I just don't know what to tell my husband. If I don't tell him anything he will figure it out. This is crazy! It's been 2 years of separation between my husband and I. It's time to stop the madness! Why won't God just give me a sign or has he and I have ignored it for whatever reason?

[moimeme]

When I try to look and perceive a future with my husband all I can see is darkness

 

Pay attention to this! That's the way it was for me and my recent ex. I tried to make it work anyway, but my instincts were good and that blackness was telling me that there was no future with this guy.

 

It's been 2 years of separation between my husband and I.

 

Then you are free to do as you please.

Why won't God just give me a sign or has he and I have ignored it for whatever reason?

 

Well, He doesn't necessarily bop you over the head. Take it from one who has probably missed a lot of signs. Don't hang around waiting for just the right rainbow or just the right angle of the sun to hit something. Put your life in His hands and then follow your heart and trust that God is in the same direction. It's the best any of us can do.

[overseas2004]

I am deeply religious as well and so I figured I would answer your questions about prayer and answers that you may get from God.

 

First of all, I just ended a really horrible relationship in which my bf was smoking pot, had volatile anger problems, and he was impotent. Even though he had all these problems we had very many loving moments together. Amongst them he went to therapy at my bequest and actually got better for a time and moved in with me. We had several blissful months of living together. However his therapists were not very good and they really did not think that there was too much they could do for him.

 

We broke up about a month later for the same problems. I was completely distraught. I went to church and prayed to God.... please help him come back to me. But then I realized that this was the wrong prayer. The right prayer was "god please show me the path that you think is righteous and just".

 

The signs started coming but they were really small signs at first. I went to church the following weekend and there was this monk that I knew from Washington D.C. that was giving service in teh Church. I live in Europe now so this was a shock. I went to talk to him. He gave me the number of a really good therapist and church counsellor. I went to go see her. She helped me a lot. Then I kept praying ... god show me the way. After that my contract where I am working did not get renewed. I decided that God wanted me to go home because I could not find another job. Go back to the US. I decided to wait one month to go back home. Then I saw my therapist again. I asked her if she would take my ex into therapy if I ever talked to him again. She said she would. Yesterday he called and agreed to go to therapy. I am still going home because I see that our relationship was not to be at least for now. But I have made the move of getting him help.

 

So the reason I tell you this is that sometimes the signs that you look for are tiny little signs that you may not be able to interpet if your spirit is not open to these things. I am confident that you will find your way if you open your heart to god and steadfastly pray for answers .... they shall be given.

 

I am sorry you are having to go through this and I don't believe in divorce either. But from the problems you described I think that you really really should not live with this man anymore. He has hit you, he has a substance abuse problem, and he is rather immature (to say the least) and very angry all the time. He may hurt you or even kill you one day in a fit of anger. He has already broken teh vows of loving cherishing and honoring you not to mention a few others. God does not want us to live or have to love people that hurt us.

 

And now I come back to prayer... and sings. Why can't you interpret the new man in your life as the sign that was sent to you a long time ago?

 

One more story about missing signs. There was this small town and a really big flood hit it. People were leaving in droves. But there was this one man that was super faithful and people kept asking him... Why don't you leave. He said "god will rescue me I am not worried". Then after that a car came and the man in it said "come with me, I can take you out of town". The faithful man said "no need God will save me and I shall stay here". The flood began to rise so the faithful man went out on his roof. Suddenly a helicopter appeared. The man in the helicopter sent down a ladder and said "come up we will save you". But the faithful man said "god will save me I will wait here for him". The helicopter left. Finally the water was up to his feet and a man in a boat came by. He said "come with me I will save you". The faithful man again said "no thanks I am waiting for God". Well he drowned.

 

When he arrived in heavan before God he said to God. I have been faithful all my life. I have waited for you to save me when I was in teh flood and you never appeared. God said "what do you mean? I sent a car, a boat and a helicopter"?

 

I suggest that this new man of yours is that helicopter. And all of us at loveshack are urging you to get on that helicopter and don't look back as your house sinks into the water. Please... for your sake....

 

God bless.

[moimeme]

Love that story!

 

My only caveat is that we may interpret some things as signs that really are not. We have to remember always that we are human and subject to mistake.