Living the Cliche!!!!

[GloriaGaynor]

Hi Everyone,

 

Am new to the site and had posted in Marriage & Partnerships but guess my story is more suited to this sub-forum so here goes...

 

so my situation is this...

 

married almost 10 years, 2 beautiful children, both in late 30's, moved to Sydney almost 3 years ago to live the dream and I thought we were...fast forward to July 2010, and through cyber snopping (my gut instinct told me too) discovered my husband/soulmate/father of my babies was involved with a married woman from work. (cliche...10 years younger than me, slightly thinner (am not fat!!) and hasn't popped out 2 bubbas!!)

 

Unfortunately for me (and him ) I read every exchange between them and there was lots of email as she's based in another city...he's goes there on business, she comes to sydney...very exciting liasons in hotels!! I also saw the half naked pics she sent him which he then forwarded to his mates, bragging and laughing...nice guy and I also read what he had to say about me (apparently i control his life, he has to ask permission to do anything and i spend all his hard earned cash...news to me I thought we were a 50/50 team)

 

so after confronting him for him to deny, deny, deny I manage to drag some details out of him, they didn't actually have sex just mutual masterbation a couple of times...yeah right, she doesn't mean anything to him, he was in a bad place through stress etc etc etc the cliche continues.

 

To detail everything thats happened over the past few months would take hours, possibly days but 2 months ago I asked him to move out as our homelife was toxic, intense and I just couldn't even look at him without throwing it all in his face. So against his will he left when I asked him, for once, do the right thing.

 

I'm trying to move on, got a job, trying to find a place for me and the children but he is doing everything he can to prevent this as he's scared we're going forever. Are we?? who knows but everytime he does me wrong, behaves badly or tells the children inappropriate things (I'm not allowed to live with you anymore/you and mummy are moving into an apartment etc etc) i can feel myself moving further down the road of no return. He point blank refuses to discuss anything of a practical nature and just constantly behaves in an inappropriate manner when he visits, trying to kiss me, be close to me. I know he's hurting and angry but so am I and I manage to be a good person and parent every day, I have too. He's constantly falling into this poor me pit of pity about not living with his children and how hard it is living in shared accommodation. I want my own place and for him to have his so we both have some stability for the children but he just won't discuss anything practical and just goes on and on about how he can make me happy, be a good husband etc etc.

 

How can i get him onboard and explain that for us to have any hope in the future this has to happen, we have to live apart and I need him to help me with this? He veers from telling me how much he loves me and will do anything to make things right to leaving us without a car, not seeing or speaking to the children for a week (he cant face them) and blowing money we don't have on getting hammered. I've been waiting for him to catch up to whats happening for 2 months and quite frankly need to move on to a new home. do I go legal on him? or will this be the final nail in the coffin. i explain that i can't answer the million dollar question of whether we will get back together but he only seems to want to be a reasonable human being if he's getting what he wants, he's behaving worse than my 5 year old.

 

Am at my wits end so if you have any advice, especially you guys out there please reply and yes we've had some counselling and will have more but money is very tight so am making sure I have enough for the kids before booking anymore appointments.

 

Thx

[PegNosePete]

Hi welcome to the forum, sorry you find yourself here in this situation

 

How can i get him onboard and explain that for us to have any hope in the future this has to happen, we have to live apart and I need him to help me with this?

Sorry but you can't control other people's actions, only your own. If he doesn't want to co-operate, doesn't want to fix the marriage, and doesn't want to help you, then he won't.

 

It sounds to me like you need to file for divorce ASAP. Your relationship is over. He does not want to be married to you any more.

 

do I go legal on him? or will this be the final nail in the coffin.

I'm afraid the final nail has already been hammered, by him. Get a lawyer, separate all your finances, stop his ability to spend your money. Change the locks on the house to keep him out. Line up your ducks and then file for divorce.

[Meatballsmom]

Sorry to read that you are here.

 

I am going to take an unpopular tack, but please read.

 

Reading between the lines of your post, I can see how your husband claimed that you are "controlling". What I am saying is that while he was totally wrong, you had a hand in giving him a push.

 

Example, "this has to happen, we have to live apart. . ."

 

I understand how you feel, but suggest that it sounds as if he does want forgivness and to move forward, as you are going to counselling, but it also sounds as if you want all of this on your terms. This is something you might have been doing before the affair.

 

It also sounds as if the two of you have gotten into a tit for tat relationship. be careful, he has already walked away once, and if you push too hard he might leave for good.

[silktricks]

Sorry for the situation you are in and welcome to LS.

 

I'm not clear on what you want. Do you want the marriage to survive or not? If not, then get the divorce and get it over with. If so, then I'm not totally clear on why you chose to have him move out. Could you explain?

 

Have the two of you gone to an MC? Has he gone to IC? Has he gotten introspective at all of WHY he chose to have an affair? Does he blame it on you (to your face)?

 

So many questions.....

 

Marriages can be recovered after infidelity. It takes a LOT of work, and frankly the BS usually has to do most of the heavy lifting, at least in the beginning. Is it worth it to you?