What is wrong with my wife?

[CoffeeKing]

I work out of town a lot and I'm only home for two-three days per week. Once I get home, my wife and I have a normal relationship for the first few hours. We eat dinner, watch a movie, play with our 3 month old son, ETC. After that, it's pure insanity.

 

I'll start cleaning the house because it's a wreck. My wife will start acting pissed off about it. I'll ask her what's wrong and she'll give some crazy statement about how I'm "trying to make her feel bad" about the house. She start yelling about how it's messed up because the baby was crying all day. I'll tell her I didn't say anything or try to make a deal out of it at all. She'll immediately say something like, "Well excuse me! I just don't feel like I deserve the way you treated me when you came home".

I'll have no idea what she's talking about and I'll tell her that!

She'll say, "The way you came in bitching about the house being dirty and how you just expect it to be clean when you come home".

 

First of all. When I walked in the door, I was smiling and raving about seeing my little boy and wife. I never said anything about ANYTHING! Dinner was ready when I walked in! We ate dinner while we watched a movie, played with our son, then this happened.

 

What the hell is wrong with her? She constantly started fights with me for no reason and comes up with stories that never happened.

 

Another example: I'll walk in a room,

Me: "Hey sweetie. Have you seen the remote?"

Her: "Do I look like I watch TV that often?

Me: "I was just asking"

Her: "Whatever"

Me: "What's wrong with you?"

Her: "Nothing!!" (Near yelling at this point)

Me: "You're being rude!"

Her: "Oh really? You walk into the room accusing me of sh** and I'm the one being rude? What the f**k ever!"

Me: "Do you hear the way you're talking to me?"

Her: "What ever, @$$hole!"

 

(Add 20 more minutes of this and her "Crazy Level" getting worse.)

 

Me: "OK. Fine! You want to treat me like this for no reason? F**k You, bitch!"

 

After this, the ENTIRE argument changes. She can't even talk about the reason we were fighting. She will not even acknowledge the previous fight. It's all about me.

 

Her: "I can't believe you would say that to me"

Me: "You're acting insane!"

Her: "Because you called me a bitch!"

Me: "No!! I called you a bitch because you were screaming at me for no reason."

Her: "No you didn't! I screamed because you called me a bitch! You have no right to call me a bitch!"

Me: "You called me 10 different names and started this entire fight!! THAT'S why I called you a bitch!"

Her: "NO!! You started this fight be calling me a bitch!"

 

 

This is what happens in EVERY fight. She makes up stories. She flips things around. She think she can yell, cuss and act insane all day, but I do ANYTHING, it's all my fault and she didn't do crap. What can I do? I love her to death, but my God, it's like she's got more than one personality. I want her to see a doctor, but that ended with a whole in the wall. WHat is wrong with her and what can I do??

[WorldIsYours]

I work out of town a lot and I'm only home for two-three days per week. Once I get home, my wife and I have a normal relationship for the first few hours. We eat dinner, watch a movie, play with our 3 month old son, ETC. After that, it's pure insanity.

 

I'll start cleaning the house because it's a wreck. My wife will start acting pissed off about it. I'll ask her what's wrong and she'll give some crazy statement about how I'm "trying to make her feel bad" about the house. She start yelling about how it's messed up because the baby was crying all day. I'll tell her I didn't say anything or try to make a deal out of it at all. She'll immediately say something like, "Well excuse me! I just don't feel like I deserve the way you treated me when you came home".

I'll have no idea what she's talking about and I'll tell her that!

She'll say, "The way you came in bitching about the house being dirty and how you just expect it to be clean when you come home".

 

First of all. When I walked in the door, I was smiling and raving about seeing my little boy and wife. I never said anything about ANYTHING! Dinner was ready when I walked in! We ate dinner while we watched a movie, played with our son, then this happened.

 

What the hell is wrong with her? She constantly started fights with me for no reason and comes up with stories that never happened.

 

Another example: I'll walk in a room,

Me: "Hey sweetie. Have you seen the remote?"

Her: "Do I look like I watch TV that often?

Me: "I was just asking"

Her: "Whatever"

Me: "What's wrong with you?"

Her: "Nothing!!" (Near yelling at this point)

Me: "You're being rude!"

Her: "Oh really? You walk into the room accusing me of sh** and I'm the one being rude? What the f**k ever!"

Me: "Do you hear the way you're talking to me?"

Her: "What ever, @$$hole!"

 

(Add 20 more minutes of this and her "Crazy Level" getting worse.)

 

Me: "OK. Fine! You want to treat me like this for no reason? F**k You, bitch!"

 

After this, the ENTIRE argument changes. She can't even talk about the reason we were fighting. She will not even acknowledge the previous fight. It's all about me.

 

Her: "I can't believe you would say that to me"

Me: "You're acting insane!"

Her: "Because you called me a bitch!"

Me: "No!! I called you a bitch because you were screaming at me for no reason."

Her: "No you didn't! I screamed because you called me a bitch! You have no right to call me a bitch!"

Me: "You called me 10 different names and started this entire fight!! THAT'S why I called you a bitch!"

Her: "NO!! You started this fight be calling me a bitch!"

 

 

This is what happens in EVERY fight. She makes up stories. She flips things around. She think she can yell, cuss and act insane all day, but I do ANYTHING, it's all my fault and she didn't do crap. What can I do? I love her to death, but my God, it's like she's got more than one personality. I want her to see a doctor, but that ended with a whole in the wall. WHat is wrong with her and what can I do??

 

Maybe there's a third party involved while you're at work.

[xxoo]

I want her to see a doctor, but that ended with a whole in the wall. WHat is wrong with her and what can I do??

 

What do you mean by this? Who put a hole in the wall?

 

I do think you should get her to a dr. She may be suffering from post-partum depression, which can sometimes be very serious. Is she home alone with your 3 mo the days/nights you are away? You need to make sure she AND your baby are safe.

 

But, no matter what she says, you also need to be in control of yourself. Whatever she says, you don't need to say FU to her (whether she says it to you or not), and you don't need to call her a B. I'm not excusing her (even PPD isn't an excuse to call you names), but you need to take responsibility for your part of the dynamic, too.

[CoffeeKing]

What do you mean by this? Who put a hole in the wall?

 

I do think you should get her to a dr. She may be suffering from post-partum depression, which can sometimes be very serious. Is she home alone with your 3 mo the days/nights you are away? You need to make sure she AND your baby are safe.

 

But, no matter what she says, you also need to be in control of yourself. Whatever she says, you don't need to say FU to her (whether she says it to you or not), and you don't need to call her a B. I'm not excusing her (even PPD isn't an excuse to call you names), but you need to take responsibility for your part of the dynamic, too.

 

 

Maybe that's what it is, PPD. A couple of weeks ago my wife got up to feed the baby at 2AM. SHe went into the room and within 30 seconds, he was still crying. I heard her screaming AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS, "AHHH!!! What is wrong with you?!? Why won't you hush? SHUT-UP!!!"

 

I went in there and took over. I didn't say a word, but she just walks out of the room mumbling, "just won't hush".

 

She does seem to be very anxious and stressed. I do what I can to help, but it don't seem to make a difference in her attitude. How do I get her to go to the docctor?

[SummersEve]

Let me guess. You're gone. She feels tired and fat and lonesome. She gives in to it. Does the minimum she has to with the baby, slops around the house, sleeps a lot. She builds it up in her mind that you'll come home and she'll finally have some adult company. Imagines how great it will be. Pictures a sparkling clean house, candlelight gourmet dinner on the table, herself dressed up sexy and your adoring gaze. Also she may be jealous that you're out in the world while she's stuck at home. (yes I know it's irrational. Now.) But then time gets away while she's busy being a disaster and then here you come. Panic. Guilt. Embarrassment. The big evening won't happen, because while you were out making the money, she failed again. The place looks like a pigpen and she looks like the pig. Gah! *mind-flip* "Why are you screaming at me for not cleaning the house, *******?"

 

Oh wait. That's not her, that was me. LOL. Really, I agree, take her to the doctor/therapist. Say because she's too tired, not because she's too crazy though. It doesn't go over well.

[SummersEve]

I didn't see your last post. I think that you need to make the appointment yourself. And then sit her down and talk to her very nicely but take charge and tell her that she is going. If she is screaming at a newborn that is "losing it." Next step is shaking the baby, see? I think this is serious and you either need to take off work or get someone to stay there when you're gone until she gets on meds and they have time to take effect. It's just not worth the risk. It's way beyond worry about how she'll take it. One minute of losing it and a small baby can be killed or permanently disabled, just that fast, from an overwrought new mother. Good luck.

[BB07]

As someone else said, it could be PPD and a very serious case. Get her to the doc ASAP, enlist family members to help convince her to go. It sounds like she feels very stressed out and inadequate and she is hypersensitive. If the doc diagnoses her with PPD or not then try to enlist some family member or friend to come help with the baby. A baby can be very overwhelming if everything is going well.

And.........never ever resort to saying fu or calling your wife names again. I know it's very difficult for you too but this does nothing but escalate the situation.

 

My heart goes out to both of you.

[yessy21]

This is defenitley PPD. U need to seek help immediatley. I suffered from this. I even went to the point of locking myself in the closet. i thought of ways to end it all. after u have a baby ur hormones take time to get back in order. dont listen to her. just get her help.

[confusedinkansas]

Maybe there's a third party involved while you're at work.

 

Really? Do you really have to insert affairs into everyone's lives?

 

Coffee -Coming from a woman whose husband used to travel a great deal...

It's very stressful for a woman to deal with her man traveling. Not only are babies a challenge (& PPD could come into play too) but taking care of everything else while you're gone is hard work.

She may feel a bit of guilt also - because when you do get home the house isn't spic-&-span.

Sit down & chat with her -try to be as calming as you can without having a patronizing sound to your voice.

If that fails she may need to see her doctor for some meds to help thru this time. - Good Luck to you.

[UnsureinSeattle]

Hold on a sec, there.

 

Her sudden anger at him could very well be because of some kind of blame/guilt shifting due to an EA or somesuch. Is it definitely what's happening? I don't know. But it's certainly possible, and worth considering if this sudden anger is not her normal MO. It is worth keeping your eyes open for something like this, OP.

 

(Also? Being the sole bread winner is hard work, too. Just saying. Marriages are supposed to be partnerships- not a game of oneupsmanship. )

 

Despite all of that, of course talking to her (or listening to her, if she's willing to open up) is the best thing to do. But do keep your eyes open.

[whichwayisup]

I'd be shocked if she was cheating, honestly, even suggesting that it's a possiblity is nuts. She sounds like she has PPD, her behaviour, moods and how she is with the baby overall from what you've said, seems like she has that.

 

She needs to see the Dr, asap. This IS serious.

 

In the meantime, get her help around the house, her mom, your mom, sisters, friends, to come by when you're not home and so she won't be alone.

[tinktronik]

I'd be shocked if she was cheating, honestly, even suggesting that it's a possiblity is nuts. She sounds like she has PPD, her behaviour, moods and how she is with the baby overall from what you've said, seems like she has that.

 

She needs to see the Dr, asap. This IS serious.

 

In the meantime, get her help around the house, her mom, your mom, sisters, friends, to come by when you're not home and so she won't be alone.

 

I agree. He also mentioned in his posts that the baby is crying at 2 a. m. and won't sleep and his wife saying the baby cries all the time while he's away. Babies crying all the time is "crazy making." Very, very "crazy making." Difficult babies alone can make for fried zombie mommas. Much less if you add PPD to the mix. It also sounds like the OP works out of town a good bit and does not know what is going on during the week, most of the time and his wife is left alone, baby is only 3 months old.

 

Sounds like a hard road. OP get you wife to the doc. And in the meantime enlist family to help her out frequently and maybe maid service once a week. There are also sets of support groups around the country that will do drop ins to help new moms. Find out what is available in your area and contact them.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I work out of town a lot and I'm only home for two-three days per week.

 

THAT is 'what's wrong with your wife.' Sir.

 

Change that and you're 90% of the way to a better marriage and family.

 

How possible is that for you right now? How willing are you to change that in the near future if immediate action is not reasonably possible.

 

I would HATE my husband if he left me alone that much. Especially with a baby. And it will only get worse as the child gets older. Infants are pretty undemanding compared to toddlers and teenagers. I've had all three ages, and I would be absolutely up a wall if my husband left me alone to handle all of it by myself.

[Trojan John]

My wife acts in a very similar manner sometimes. The trick is to not let her get a rise out of you. I've found (through rigorous testing) that all she really needs is a hug and a kiss because NOTHING I *say* will make things better -- only worse.

 

If she is stressed about the baby, maybe an au pair is needed?

[BB07]

I'd be shocked if she was cheating, honestly, even suggesting that it's a possiblity is nuts. She sounds like she has PPD, her behaviour, moods and how she is with the baby overall from what you've said, seems like she has that.

 

She needs to see the Dr, asap. This IS serious.

 

In the meantime, get her help around the house, her mom, your mom, sisters, friends, to come by when you're not home and so she won't be alone.

 

I so agree with your post and frankly sometimes it's to know that someone at LS ALWAYS suggests cheating is the thing and with what hubby described......it's 99% off the mark.

 

A new baby who cries a lot is very hard........add in PPD and it's about more than a person can cope with and bless her heart it sounds like she is on 24/7 several days without help.

 

Some people are dangerous with their automatic assumption that all marriage/relationship problems have a root in cheating. Rant over................

[GorillaTheater]

I'd be shocked if she was cheating, honestly, even suggesting that it's a possiblity is nuts. She sounds like she has PPD, her behaviour, moods and how she is with the baby overall from what you've said, seems like she has that.

 

She needs to see the Dr, asap. This IS serious.

 

In the meantime, get her help around the house, her mom, your mom, sisters, friends, to come by when you're not home and so she won't be alone.

 

I agree with all of this, but what I don't see addressed yet is what to do about your toxic interactions with her. I've had some pretty similar interactions with my wife, and the dynamic didn't change until *I* changed it, because the only person I can control is me.

 

I switched off the anger. What you're doing and what I did was "take the bait", where you get so frustrated it just explodes into anger and you wind up saying things you regret and which your wife will remember for decades. If not longer. Don't get angry, but calmly stand your ground. When she disrespects you, calmly point it out and tell her that you won't put up with it and walk away.

 

PPD or not, if it continues lay out the possibility that separation or divorce may be in the future. If she points out that that seems rather extreme, respond that if it's too extreme to be reasonably civil to her husband then this may not be the right relationship for you.

 

But I emphasize: put away your anger and don't respond to her abuse with even more abuse. You're a better man than that.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I disagree with the advice to get someone else (family, au pair, maid) to help out when you're away. Your wife needs YOU. No substitute will do.

 

Does she seem worse the closer it gets to the time for you to leave? If so, that is her creating emotional distance so that your absence doesn't hurt so much. Eventually she'll be distant all the time.

[UnsureinSeattle]

Absolutely agreed- yelling back solves nothing.

[Memphis Raines]

CoffeeKing

 

my wife acted the same way. Turns out it was because she was cheating and every little thing I did irritated her.

 

do you suspect anything?

[Memphis Raines]

 

Really? Do you really have to insert affairs into everyone's lives?

 

speaking as someone whose wife acted exactly like his wife, there is no reason to leave it out as a possibility. There could be other reasons she acts this way, but her having an affair IS a possibility. Its like deja vu for me hearing his story.

[whichwayisup]

speaking as someone whose wife acted exactly like his wife, there is no reason to leave it out as a possibility. There could be other reasons she acts this way, but her having an affair IS a possibility. Its like deja vu for me hearing his story.

 

Did you have a 3 month old at the time? This woman is sleep deprived, stressed out, has her hormones out of whack. I doubt she has time to cheat let alone the desire to.

 

The last thing this guy need to do is accuse his wife of cheating right now. Get her to the DR first and if she doesn't have PDD, then consider something else is going on.

[Lorelei_Lane]

I agree with the whole PPD thing... to suspect she may be cheating when she's obviously frazzled from being sleep deprived with the baby is a bit off the mark right now.

 

Not everyone is a cheater if they have an emotional freak out.

 

I would say get her to the doctor asap. She really needs the help right now so she'll start feeling right again.

[dreamingoftigers]

My wife acts in a very similar manner sometimes. The trick is to not let her get a rise out of you. I've found (through rigorous testing) that all she really needs is a hug and a kiss because NOTHING I *say* will make things better -- only worse.

 

If she is stressed about the baby, maybe an au pair is needed?

 

This is true 99% of the time! You are one of the rare men that know it!

[WorldIsYours]

 

Really? Do you really have to insert affairs into everyone's lives?

 

Insert affairs into people's lives? Sorry, only cheaters do that.

[quankanne]

other thought about being in a marriage where one partner is gone some of the time: Things are ducky when you first get together because you're so happy to see each other, then get crappy a day or so before the one working away from home has to leave. And then the fighting ensues ...

 

take it from an old married chick, it's nothing to do with screwing around, but being completely emotionally unequipped to deal with the parting. As in, it very well be that your spouse finds it easier to be angry with you to deal with her feelings than to admit she misses you when she knows you need full support of your job since you're the wage earner. That was me and the mister, though he was the one picking fights. At some point you need to cut through the crap and the anger and say, "It's okay to be upset that you're/I'm leaving, but we're gonna be okay. In the meantime, let me help make things a little easier while I'm here by doing things for you ..."

 

I guarantee, you pitch it to her that way instead of just reacting to her reaction, things start to settle down and she can actually appreciate you pitching in, rather than feel guilty for not being super-wife.

 

and yeah, definitely have her talk to her OB-Gyn about baby blues, and see if you can line up a family member to give her breaks from the mommy scene by freeing up her time to go to the library or to get a pedicure. My guess is that while she loves you and your little family you've created, she's overwhelmed by this shift in identity and lack of private time.