What is wrong with my wife?

[Downtown]

What the hell is wrong with her?

It could be PPD as other posters suggest, especially if this dysfunctional behavior began when the baby was born three months ago. This is why it is important that you tell us when this behavior began.

 

Another likely explanation is BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which my exW suffers from. With BPD, however, you almost certainly would have seen red flags occurring well before your child was born because BPD originates in early childhood and starts causing obvious problems in the mid-teens, when the person is trying to establish LTRs with people outside the family.

 

Typically, a BPDer (i.e., a person with strong BPD traits) will adore and idolize you for up to six months during the honeymoon period. It will be the most passionate experience of your lifetime and you will be treated like a white knight who just rode in to save her. You will feel like a million dollars. Moreover, she will mirror the best aspects of your personality, giving you the feeling you have met your "soul mate." After that infatuation period ends at about four to six months, however, you will start seeing periodic temper tantrums, which typically last about five hours.

 

In your description, one thing that suggests strong BPD traits is the way the angry outburst develops so suddenly. With BPD, the tantrums are said to be "event triggered" because they are triggered by some minor (or innocent) thing you do (e.g., vacuuming the floor) or say (e.g., "Do you have the remote?"). The tantrums therefore develop in only 10 or 15 seconds -- very much like what you are describing.

 

Another thing suggesting strong BPD traits is the 180 degree flip from one view (loving you) to its polar opposite (hating you) -- a trait which is a hallmark of BPDers because they do black-white thinking, i.e., they classify everyone as "all good" or "all bad." And they can reclassify a person in seconds.

I'll ask her what's wrong and she'll give some crazy statement about how I'm "trying to make her feel bad" about the house.

If your W does have strong BPD traits, her emotional development is stuck at the level of a four year old. She therefore is unable to regulate her emotions very well, causing her to experience intense feelings that she accepts as reality. Trying to argue with her and appeal to her logic therefore is useless because she is convinced -- at a gut level -- that every strong feeling is grounded in reality.

She constantly started fights with me for no reason and comes up with stories that never happened.

This too is classic BPDer behavior. Because a BPDer is very fearful of engulfment, intimacy is often followed immediately by her creating an argument out of thin air to push you away, giving her breathing room -- allowing her to feel like a separate individual again.

ANYTHING, it's all my fault and she didn't do crap.

Again, this behavior -- as well as the verbal abuse you describe -- are classic traits of a BPDer and I would be glad to discuss them with you further. Before going down that path, however, it is important to know whether she exhibited these traits BEFORE the birth three months ago (and whether she experienced an early childhood trauma). If not, you should disregard this post because it is extremely unlikely she has a strong pattern of BPD traits.

 

On the other hand, if you did see such behavior starting about six months into your relationship, I suggest you read my description of what it is like to live with a BPDer. It is provided in my three posts at Inigo's thread at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2826724#post2826724. One of those posts contains a link to excellent articles written by professionals. Take care, CoffeeKing.

[mem11363]

She is "fitness testing" you. These are also referred to as "$hit tests". Look them up on google. Most men only learn how to pass this type test once they understand what is happening and how to respond. There really are a very good set of tactics which allow you to keep your balls AND cause her to do this less and less often.

 

 

I work out of town a lot and I'm only home for two-three days per week. Once I get home, my wife and I have a normal relationship for the first few hours. We eat dinner, watch a movie, play with our 3 month old son, ETC. After that, it's pure insanity.

 

I'll start cleaning the house because it's a wreck. My wife will start acting pissed off about it. I'll ask her what's wrong and she'll give some crazy statement about how I'm "trying to make her feel bad" about the house. She start yelling about how it's messed up because the baby was crying all day. I'll tell her I didn't say anything or try to make a deal out of it at all. She'll immediately say something like, "Well excuse me! I just don't feel like I deserve the way you treated me when you came home".

I'll have no idea what she's talking about and I'll tell her that!

She'll say, "The way you came in bitching about the house being dirty and how you just expect it to be clean when you come home".

 

First of all. When I walked in the door, I was smiling and raving about seeing my little boy and wife. I never said anything about ANYTHING! Dinner was ready when I walked in! We ate dinner while we watched a movie, played with our son, then this happened.

 

What the hell is wrong with her? She constantly started fights with me for no reason and comes up with stories that never happened.

 

Another example: I'll walk in a room,

Me: "Hey sweetie. Have you seen the remote?"

Her: "Do I look like I watch TV that often?

Me: "I was just asking"

Her: "Whatever"

Me: "What's wrong with you?"

Her: "Nothing!!" (Near yelling at this point)

Me: "You're being rude!"

Her: "Oh really? You walk into the room accusing me of sh** and I'm the one being rude? What the f**k ever!"

Me: "Do you hear the way you're talking to me?"

Her: "What ever, @$$hole!"

 

(Add 20 more minutes of this and her "Crazy Level" getting worse.)

 

Me: "OK. Fine! You want to treat me like this for no reason? F**k You, bitch!"

 

After this, the ENTIRE argument changes. She can't even talk about the reason we were fighting. She will not even acknowledge the previous fight. It's all about me.

 

Her: "I can't believe you would say that to me"

Me: "You're acting insane!"

Her: "Because you called me a bitch!"

Me: "No!! I called you a bitch because you were screaming at me for no reason."

Her: "No you didn't! I screamed because you called me a bitch! You have no right to call me a bitch!"

Me: "You called me 10 different names and started this entire fight!! THAT'S why I called you a bitch!"

Her: "NO!! You started this fight be calling me a bitch!"

 

 

This is what happens in EVERY fight. She makes up stories. She flips things around. She think she can yell, cuss and act insane all day, but I do ANYTHING, it's all my fault and she didn't do crap. What can I do? I love her to death, but my God, it's like she's got more than one personality. I want her to see a doctor, but that ended with a whole in the wall. WHat is wrong with her and what can I do??

[Eddie Edirol]

I dont know enough about PPD to suggest it, but I do know this...

 

if she is yelling at the baby while hes crying, then I agree with the others. Her hormones are out of whack and she doesnt know how to de-stress herself.

 

Do you know anything that calms her down? A song, a massage, something...until you can get her help?

[Honorable_Venerable]

She is "fitness testing" you. These are also referred to as "$hit tests". Look them up on google. Most men only learn how to pass this type test once they understand what is happening and how to respond. There really are a very good set of tactics which allow you to keep your balls AND cause her to do this less and less often.

You might be right, but if she is using a three month old baby as a tool for "$hit tests", then it suggests there are far bigger problems than the tired old "alpha/beta man up" game.

[whichwayisup]

You might be right, but if she is using a three month old baby as a tool for "$hit tests", then it suggests there are far bigger problems than the tired old "alpha/beta man up" game.

 

I disagree with you and Mem. Let's rule out PPD first before jumping to the worst case senario(s) here. Some of you are making his wife out to be a manipulative, cruel person. I doubt very much she was like this before she gave birth. OR before they had a child.

[xxoo]

She needs to see the Dr, asap. This IS serious.

 

In the meantime, get her help around the house, her mom, your mom, sisters, friends, to come by when you're not home and so she won't be alone.

 

Great advice. Make sure someone you both trust knows what is going on, and can keep a close eye on the situation when you are gone (in addition to rallying help).

 

How do I get her to go to the docctor?

 

Tell her how concerned you are for her, and for the baby. Tell her that you need to be sure she is well before you leave for business again.

 

If she resists, call and make the appt yourself. The fact is, it would be irresponsible, and possibly dangerous, NOT to force the issue.

 

Be strong, CoffeeKing! These are hard times, but it will get easier. Congrats on your new baby

[Memphis Raines]

Did you have a 3 month old at the time? This woman is sleep deprived, stressed out, has her hormones out of whack. I doubt she has time to cheat let alone the desire to.

 

less than a year old yes. She'd say she is going to visit her mother while I watched our kids.

 

If she wants to, she can find a way.

 

Again, not saying she is cheating, but her actions were exactly like my wife's.

It could be, as you said, that she is just plain irritable being a mother of a newborn. But it doesn't excuse her being irritable over a simple question.

[Honorable_Venerable]

I disagree with you and Mem. Let's rule out PPD first before jumping to the worst case senario(s) here. Some of you are making his wife out to be a manipulative, cruel person. I doubt very much she was like this before she gave birth. OR before they had a child.

Based on the fairly limited evidence, I don't think this is any kind of "$hit test", but something with a significant psychological component - AIUI, a "$hit test" is part of some sort of pi$sant game some couples play. Screaming at a three month old suggests something much more serious.

 

OP, I would STRONGLY advise that you seek medical attention on behalf of your wife and child. Address the health issues first, then think about the relationship issues.

[Memphis Raines]

I disagree with you and Mem.

 

disagree with what? that it could be a possibility?

 

when did I say, "dude, she is definitely cheating on you?"

 

when someone asks what is wrong and gives a description of their behavior, EVERYTHING anyone says at that point is speculation and giving an opinoin of POSSIBILITIES.

 

it IS a possibility that she could be cheating based on her behavior.

 

Just like its a possibility that she is just a tired cranky mother, PMS, she simply finds everything he does annoying, hates him, etc. etc.

 

So you don't agree that it is a "possibility" that her contempt for him is because she could be messing around?

 

 

Let's rule out PPD first before jumping to the worst case senario(s) here. Some of you are making his wife out to be a manipulative, cruel person.

 

manipulative? no. cruel? well sure. who responds like that when someone simply asks where something is? Unless of course he said, "b!tch where is the freakin' remote? I know you hid it on me!!"

 

 

I doubt very much she was like this before she gave birth. OR before they had a child.

 

ok. so because she is now a mother he should just take her disrespect?

[Memphis Raines]

Coffee I had a girlfriend that acted like your wife. And she actually wondered why I stopped calling and never came over anymore. (no not suggesting this for you)

 

do this. come home from work and start cleaning the house, fixing dinner, whatever it is. Don't say a word to her. That way she won't have anything to complain at you for.

 

try it for a while and see if she still gets pissy with you.

 

but I do have to ask you, do you stay home and watch your child while she goes out?

[Memphis Raines]

I'd be shocked if she was cheating, honestly, even suggesting that it's a possiblity is nuts.

 

not nuts at all. my wife acted the exact same way, had a young child around 10 months, and she was cheating. if the mentioning it as a possibility is nuts, then I guess what happened in my situation never happened.

 

not saying she is, but out of a bunch of possibilities as to her problem, this could be one.

[highviolet]

CK,

 

I would be very surprised to hear that your wife is having an affair. Of course it is a possibility, but I wouldn't go looking down that avenue unless there were any other clues that that might be the case. But from someone who has been there, you cannot possibly know how crazy your wife undoubtedly feels from the hormones of childbirth. I hope you go easy on her and try to find her some help, even though she is acting irrationally. As others have said, PPD is a strong possibility. Even if it isn't full on PPD, it is a very hard time in a woman's life even without the hormones.

 

Imagine having this idillic view of life after bringing the bundle of joy home, being able to greet your husband whom you missed so with a happy baby, clean home, beautiful wife. Then the reality of the situation: you are home all day with a crying baby whom you have no idea how to calm, is it a dirty diaper? Hunger? Tired? Gas? Or does he just hate you? After spending an exhausting day trying to figure out which of these at any given time is causing this little bundle to scream bloody murder, you look around to see everything a mess. Where did the day go? No dishes done, clothes everywhere. Still in your pajama pants, not showered. Not to mention sleep deprived. And nothing to make you feel a sense of accomplishment.

 

I know it is irrational for her to lash out, but I know how I felt when my H came home from a day like that, (which is everyday, btw). I felt inadequate, I couldn't live up to what I had pictured, and I was sure what my H pictured. I wanted nothing more than to greet my hard working H with a beer and a foot massage and a home cooked meal, and you can guess I didn't have time to even crack open that beer. The last thing I want is for H to have to start cleaning up after me. And I know he's thinking "what the h*ll did she do at home all day?" And I know he's thinking, "Gosh, she didn't even put on makeup or get dressed" And "ugh, someone's gotta take up the slack here, I guess I'll start cleaning....." I imagined him huffing and puffing as he helped with the dishes.

 

And so on and so forth. I know it's crazy, but the hormone will do CRAZY things to you. You will be acting like an irrational teenager with PMS x 10 and be thinking what the hell am I doing, but you can't HELP it. I know it's hard to imagine as a guy. It's all about her insecurities of her not being able to live up to what she thought it was going to be like as a mom, and especially what you think of her. She thinks you think she's sitting around watching tv all day (the remote thing) and freaks out about you cleaning up after her.

 

And that's just normal baby blues. If PPD is the case, it's even worse.

 

Hope everything works out for you. I know the last thing from my mind 3 months after having a baby was finding another guy. And you're barely even ready to have sex that soon. Just my experience though

[mem11363]

HV,

I totally missed the bit about screaming at the baby. My bad. I whole heartedly agree with your suggestion.

 

 

Based on the fairly limited evidence, I don't think this is any kind of "$hit test", but something with a significant psychological component - AIUI, a "$hit test" is part of some sort of pi$sant game some couples play. Screaming at a three month old suggests something much more serious.

 

OP, I would STRONGLY advise that you seek medical attention on behalf of your wife and child. Address the health issues first, then think about the relationship issues.

[SummersEve]

How about this, talk to her, get doctor appointment right away, maybe counselor appointment too. It would help her so much to know that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, that help is on the way.

 

And, before you go on the road again, make sure a relative, friend or preferably a paid helper (a simpler, no stress relationship) is there at least a couple of hours every day to clean up and give your wife a chance to get out of the house without the baby or take a nap. 24/7 alone with a newborn is also hard on top of the hormone stuff if you are not used to it. Trust me, the money is absolutely unimportant right now.

 

Her behavior is telling you, loud and clear, that she needs help. Good luck.

[blueeyes74]

I would love to hear a follow up to this situation. When my first daughter was 4 months old, I was diagnosed with PPD. She was a very difficult child for me (and I was a very nervous mother). Changing from being a career woman to a stay at home mom is a HUGE change that most ppl (including myself) underestimate. I think your wife is overwhelmed and sounds like she's crying out for help. In fact, I can relate to some of the situations you described. It can get better. Any chance you could travel less for a while? Or get her mother to help out at all? I really do wish the best for you both. She's definitely not cheating. Don't listen to the others who suggest that. She's got NO time, probably no interest in that either. She loves you, but she exhausted, depressed and overwhelmed with how much her life has been turned over!!

[Bionic Me]

The whole United Nations of red flags...

 

I agree with everyone that said to seek professional help. Remember, there is a toddler at home and your W sounds like she may be going through some imbalance. Act! and act fast!

[hoping2heal]

I work out of town a lot and I'm only home for two-three days per week. Once I get home, my wife and I have a normal relationship for the first few hours. We eat dinner, watch a movie, play with our 3 month old son, ETC. After that, it's pure insanity.

 

I'll start cleaning the house because it's a wreck. My wife will start acting pissed off about it. I'll ask her what's wrong and she'll give some crazy statement about how I'm "trying to make her feel bad" about the house. She start yelling about how it's messed up because the baby was crying all day. I'll tell her I didn't say anything or try to make a deal out of it at all. She'll immediately say something like, "Well excuse me! I just don't feel like I deserve the way you treated me when you came home".

I'll have no idea what she's talking about and I'll tell her that!

She'll say, "The way you came in bitching about the house being dirty and how you just expect it to be clean when you come home".

 

First of all. When I walked in the door, I was smiling and raving about seeing my little boy and wife. I never said anything about ANYTHING! Dinner was ready when I walked in! We ate dinner while we watched a movie, played with our son, then this happened.

 

What the hell is wrong with her? She constantly started fights with me for no reason and comes up with stories that never happened.

 

Another example: I'll walk in a room,

Me: "Hey sweetie. Have you seen the remote?"

Her: "Do I look like I watch TV that often?

Me: "I was just asking"

Her: "Whatever"

Me: "What's wrong with you?"

Her: "Nothing!!" (Near yelling at this point)

Me: "You're being rude!"

Her: "Oh really? You walk into the room accusing me of sh** and I'm the one being rude? What the f**k ever!"

Me: "Do you hear the way you're talking to me?"

Her: "What ever, @$$hole!"

 

(Add 20 more minutes of this and her "Crazy Level" getting worse.)

 

Me: "OK. Fine! You want to treat me like this for no reason? F**k You, bitch!"

 

After this, the ENTIRE argument changes. She can't even talk about the reason we were fighting. She will not even acknowledge the previous fight. It's all about me.

 

Her: "I can't believe you would say that to me"

Me: "You're acting insane!"

Her: "Because you called me a bitch!"

Me: "No!! I called you a bitch because you were screaming at me for no reason."

Her: "No you didn't! I screamed because you called me a bitch! You have no right to call me a bitch!"

Me: "You called me 10 different names and started this entire fight!! THAT'S why I called you a bitch!"

Her: "NO!! You started this fight be calling me a bitch!"

 

 

This is what happens in EVERY fight. She makes up stories. She flips things around. She think she can yell, cuss and act insane all day, but I do ANYTHING, it's all my fault and she didn't do crap. What can I do? I love her to death, but my God, it's like she's got more than one personality. I want her to see a doctor, but that ended with a whole in the wall. WHat is wrong with her and what can I do??

 

It sounds like she is feeling guilty about her performance as a wife and is getting really defensive and somewhat delusional. When you clean the house, it makes her think how SHE should have cleaned the house, and she feels a sense of failing that she did not. When you ask her about the remote, it is the same story...she is feeling inadequate and exagerates the point of your comments.

 

I think this signals she is having some major feelings of defeat.

[Downtown]

Folks, Coffee posted on only one day more than two weeks ago. He has not responded to a dozen posters and shows no sign of returning. Moreover, although we asked, he never told us a critical detail: whether his W's bad behavior started with the child's birth or years earlier. I mention this for the benefit of members who don't have time to read all posts in this thread.