i worry my boyfriend doesnt want to ever get married :(

[jodes]

we have been together 3 and half years, and we have a 6 month old baby.

we are very close, we trust eachother, we love eachother very much, i dont think either of us have ever been happier.

 

when i bring up the subject of marriage, he doesnt really want to get into it... i ask can we get married, his reply will be no, i ask why, he replies cos i dont believe in marriage, i ask is it me, he replies no, i ask can we start saving for a wedding in the future (being sensible incase he is worried about the costs of weddings) he replies no. recently he has started saying we can get married in 10 years time. i think hes just trying to make me stop asking about it.

he does say we are happy as we are, so why get married.

 

we are happy as we are, but i would love to be his wife, it would make us a complete family.

or am i just being stupid and should respect that he doesnt want to get married??

i would love to get married to my mr right. but he isnt bothered.

 

like i said, we have a very good relationship, very happy, and have regular sex.

 

i just dont know if what he is saying that he doesnt believe in marriage is acceptable for a woman? or more to the point for me?

 

what would anyone else think?? any men out there that can answer this??

 

thanks. and sorry if its a stupid question, just will never understand a mans mind!

 

iv also stopped talking about it with him now, as im sure he is sick of hearing me! and im sick of hearing myself, it gets me upset too.

[Lauriebell82]

Aww, jodes, I am so sorry. Unfortunately, I don't think he wants to get married. I can understand the need to feel like he may change his mind and hold on to hope, after all you love him and you have a child together. I agree he probably just told you 10 years to get you to stop asking him.

 

So the question is: can you live the rest of your life with him in a healthy and happy relationship WITHOUT marriage?

[jodes]

thanks.

i sort of know in my head that it will never happen. but for some reason i am still holding onto the hope.

 

i wish i could think the same of him, and just not be bothered about getting married! i have tried, but i cant!

 

well, all i know is, i certainly couldnt live without him, so it seems there is no option than just to forget my dream of getting married, and enjoy what we already have! its just hard!

 

i need to get over the whole wedding thing!

[Lauriebell82]

i need to get over the whole wedding thing!

 

What about a comittment ceremony? Not a wedding, no vows, just a little ceremony where you declare your love? Your boyfriend may not go for that though, depending on what he has against marriage. Have you asked him why he doesn't believe in it?

 

Also, depending on where you live, you may be able to become common law, which means you have rights to division of assets, and other things like that.

[jodes]

i have asked him why he doesnt believe in it, and he just says that we are fine how we are so why change what we have. the thing is, things wouldnt change if we got married. mabee he worries that things go down hill after marriage, when i know nothing would change at all! some of his friends that have got married have ended in devorce, i wonder if he is scared. i honestly cant get a lot out of him on the subject. its hard work!

 

the thing is aswell, we own our own home, and obviously we have our son, i think we need to get married for legal reasons too. so a commitment ceremony wouldnt really help with that.

 

hes a very shy guy, i wondered if it was the 'stage fright' preventing him from getting married in frnt of lots of people, so i suggested a quiet wedding reception. but it was still a no.

 

i havent heard a lot about common law, im in the uk

x

[linwood]

You say you have a happy healthy relationship with him and have just started a family.

 

He doesn`t want to get married and you were aware of his wishes before you started this family.

 

What would marriage bring you that you don`t already have?

Why do you want it so badly?

 

From a mans perspective there really isn`t much that legal marriage brings you.

In fact it makes a man extremely vulnerable in so many ways.

[jodes]

You say you have a happy healthy relationship with him and have just started a family.

 

What would marriage bring you that you don`t already have?

Why do you want it so badly?

 

it would not bring anything different to our relationship that we havent already got- you are right.

however i would love to have the family name (as my son and boyfriend have the same surname)

and just simply, i would love to refer to him as my husband.

 

i also feel that marriage shows that you are committed to one another, for the rest of your lives. i feel that in any times of close break up, it seems that you fight harder to save your marriage. after all, he could just walk away with no ties but our son. i could too.

[Lauriebell82]

it would not bring anything different to our relationship that we havent already got- you are right.

however i would love to have the family name (as my son and boyfriend have the same surname)

and just simply, i would love to refer to him as my husband.

 

i also feel that marriage shows that you are committed to one another, for the rest of your lives. i feel that in any times of close break up, it seems that you fight harder to save your marriage. after all, he could just walk away with no ties but our son. i could too.

 

You said in your other post that you think he is scared that marriage will change your relationship. I would say after living with my husband for 2 years prior to getting married, our relationship hasn't changed THAT much, other then my last name being different and the fact that we have more decisions to make such as having a family and things that we didn't think about when we were dating.

 

Maybe he is just looking for an out, maybe he is just scared. You said you can't be without him, so it sounds like you ARE willing to give up marriage to be with him. BUT, I fear that this will eventually build up some resentment on your part, and you will never be able to be truely happy with this arrangement as he is. Is this something you fear as well?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

But consult a lawyer (or do a detailed internet search) as to your rights as an unmarried mother. Men either simply want to think they are free and they can play the field (even though they seldom do), or don't want to split their current and future earnings/properties with their SO...... BTW how young are you two.

[jodes]

But consult a lawyer (or do a detailed internet search) as to your rights as an unmarried mother. Men either simply want to think they are free and they can play the field (even though they seldom do), or don't want to split their current and future earnings/properties with their SO...... BTW how young are you two.

 

hi, im 25 and my boyfriend is 32.

i dont know, i just feel like i need to put the marriage thing to the back of my mind. but then i know its always gonna be there.

i do need to think wether i can go on, knowing that i will never get married.

[jodes]

You said in your other post that you think he is scared that marriage will change your relationship. I would say after living with my husband for 2 years prior to getting married, our relationship hasn't changed THAT much, other then my last name being different and the fact that we have more decisions to make such as having a family and things that we didn't think about when we were dating.

 

 

thankyou for youe info!

and i agree, i KNOW our relationship wouldnt change. we are too strong. well, apart from this little situation lol

[musemaj11]

Yup, its proven that its not necessarily the marriage itself that women want. ITS THE WEDDING!!!

 

Gosh, why cant someone start a business of throwing a fake wedding for the countless childish women in this world? Im sure its a business idea with a great prospect.

[jodes]

Yup, its proven that its not necessarily the marriage itself that women want. ITS THE WEDDING!!!

 

Gosh, why cant someone start a business of throwing a fake wedding for the countless childish women in this world? Im sure its a business idea with a great prospect.

 

there is no need to get personal now!

so because i want to marry my boyfriend, because i love him, im childish?

if you had read my previous posts iv clearly stated that i would have a registry office wedding. id turn up in scrags if it meant we were husband and wife.

 

woo where did that comment come from, u had a bad day?

[PegNosePete]

Has he been married before, and maybe got screwed over in the divorce? Or maybe had a friend who that happened to? Or simply heard horror stories about what can happen?

 

Forget about "common law", there is no such thing in the UK legal system. You're either married or you're not. As for having his name, well there is deed poll for that, no problem. Calling him your husband, just do it if you want to. Wear a ring if you like. Have a "fake" ceremony. There's no laws against any of this

 

Most (working) men become extremely financially vulnerable when they get married, especially when there is a child involved. If you were to divorce then he might end up paying maintenance not only for the child, but for you, for the rest of his life. The only way to protect his assets is to not marry. Does he have major assets, for example was the house his before you got together? If so then fear of losing this may be a big factor.

 

However remaining unmarried puts you in a similarly vulnerable position. If you're a stay at home mother then you would get the raw end of the stick if you were to split up. If the house is in his name, he could kick you out and you would have no assets, no income, nothing except child support. If you were married then he could not kick you out of the home even if it's in his sole name, and there is a good chance that you would get a large portion of the house equity in a divorce. Marriage gives you security, but it takes away his.

 

I would recommend you tell him that you feel you are in a very vulnerable position. Tell him you would like the security of being legally married to him. Explain to him how totally screwed you would be, if the worst were to happen and you split up, and that you want to protect yourself against that possibility. A pre-nup might ease his fears somewhat, although they are not legally enforceable in the UK, if you both have legal advice before signing then they will be taken strongly into consideration.

 

If he's still dead set against the idea then you could ask him to move assets into joint names and joint accounts. That would give you some level of protection (although not as much as being married).

 

As Toodamnpragmatic suggested you could consult a solicitor to discuss your current situation. Many solicitors do a free half hour of advice, and this is all you'd need. You can give them all the facts and figures and they could advise you what would happen if you were to split up, how much a benefit marriage would be to you, and how much a risk it would be for him.

[Tizzy]

all i know is, i certainly couldnt live without him, so it seems there is no option than just to forget my dream of getting married, and enjoy what we already have!

 

You certainly CAN live without him and you need to be making arrangements for that if marriage is what YOU want and he's not with it. You say you two are as happy as can be. I don't believe you. I have no doubt that he probably is but from your post it doesn't sound like you are. It's apparently what you keep telilng yourself and probably what your live-in boyfriend is telling you too. Your boyfriend is getting everything he wants--house, woman, child, lover, friend, etc--without having made any kind of longterm commitment to you. YOU want that commitment, and there's nothing wrong with that.

 

I don't think you should subjugate your desire to get married just to be with this man. There are billions of other men out there and many of them are single, nice guys and DO want to get married. And don't let the fact you are a single mom make you want to stay with this guy. You CAN make it on your own. Me and countless other single moms are living proof.

 

You are young, you have a long life to live. You need to look out for yourself and your child first. Do what will make YOU happy. Don't be scared of the unknown and the what-ifs. Plan accordingly and your life will be just fine. That's better than sitting around resentful and unfulfilled for the rest of your life.

[Lauriebell82]

all i know is, i certainly couldnt live without him, so it seems there is no option than just to forget my dream of getting married, and enjoy what we already have!

 

 

You certainly CAN live without him and you need to be making arrangements for that if marriage is what YOU want and he's not with it. You say you two are as happy as can be. I don't believe you. I have no doubt that he probably is but from your post it doesn't sound like you are. It's apparently what you keep telilng yourself and probably what your live-in boyfriend is telling you too. Your boyfriend is getting everything he wants--house, woman, child, lover, friend, etc--without having made any kind of longterm commitment to you. YOU want that commitment, and there's nothing wrong with that.

 

I don't think you should subjugate your desire to get married just to be with this man. There are billions of other men out there and many of them are single, nice guys and DO want to get married. And don't let the fact you are a single mom make you want to stay with this guy. You CAN make it on your own. Me and countless other single moms are living proof.

 

You are young, you have a long life to live. You need to look out for yourself and your child first. Do what will make YOU happy. Don't be scared of the unknown and the what-ifs. Plan accordingly and your life will be just fine. That's better than sitting around resentful and unfulfilled for the rest of your life.

 

This is excellent advice Jodes. Please keep re-reading this post until you believe it!

 

I agree that you aren't as happy as you are letting on, and it's pretty clear that you aren't going to be able to let your dream of marriage go..and you shouldn't have to! Being in a comitted relationship is about making each other's dreams come true. If your boyfriend isn't willing, there are other men out there who are.

[musemaj11]

Yea listen to all the women here.

 

Throw away an otherwise perfect man for the sake of a piece of paper 'legalizing' your relationship.

[orangelady]

I don't think I'd really want to get into a relationship with someone who didn't want to get married. I guess some men really detest the idea of marriage and think it's just a 'paper. It may not matter to him, but it matters to you.

[BeginAgain]

I might rather not get married. If I don't get married then I don't have to pay through alimony for her new life with her new bf after she gets tired of me, I don't need expensive lawyers to draw up a pre-nup that might fail, I can continue to live separately the way I like, there is no messiness of who owns what in case of divorce, no expensive rings, and I don't have to go deeply into debt for the wedding of her dreams which I could still be paying off after she's divorced me.

[Lauriebell82]

Yea listen to all the women here.

 

Throw away an otherwise perfect man for the sake of a piece of paper 'legalizing' your relationship.

 

I really hate when people say this. You may think it's just a piece of paper, but the OP doesn't and neither do a lot of women out there. IMO he ISN'T the perfect man (for her anyway) if he doesn't want to marry her.

[Eddie Edirol]

I really hate when people say this. You may think it's just a piece of paper, but the OP doesn't and neither do a lot of women out there. IMO he ISN'T the perfect man (for her anyway) if he doesn't want to marry her.

 

This is nonsense. he IS the perfect man, she says so, they have no problems. The ONLY reason she wants to get married is so she can call him her "husband". Its all about her ability to say "my husband", nothing else. She doesnt care about the ceremony, or the money that he will lose with the 70% divorce rate. Its a fairy tale thing and it doesnt change their relationship, its nonsense. She let herself get pregnant with a guy that told her straight up he doesnt believe in marriage, she thought she could change that, and she is getting shot down, she made the choice.

 

Jodes, Ill tell you what he's thinking. if you guys break up, he already knows he has to pay you for the kid. If you marry, and then at some point divorce, he has to pay you alimony as well. He is thinking of the future, and he doesnt want to shell out more money than he has to. Thats just the way it is. Youre thinking emotionally, he is thinking logically.

 

if you love him, just call him by his name. If you wont leave him, then tell your friends to stop asking you why you arent getting married. Theres too many people on this board alone who have turbulent relationships, and too many people in the world who dont have good relationships.

 

You have a good one, leave it alone.

[BeginAgain]

This is nonsense. he IS the perfect man, she says so, they have no problems.

He is not the perfect man for her. She wants marriage and he doesn't. They aren't meant to be. If she didn't want marriage or he wanted marriage then there would be no problem. It isn't best for the child but they'll need to break up.

[Lauriebell82]

This is nonsense. he IS the perfect man, she says so, they have no problems. The ONLY reason she wants to get married is so she can call him her "husband". Its all about her ability to say "my husband", nothing else. She doesnt care about the ceremony, or the money that he will lose with the 70% divorce rate. Its a fairy tale thing and it doesnt change their relationship, its nonsense. She let herself get pregnant with a guy that told her straight up he doesnt believe in marriage, she thought she could change that, and she is getting shot down, she made the choice.

 

Jodes, Ill tell you what he's thinking. if you guys break up, he already knows he has to pay you for the kid. If you marry, and then at some point divorce, he has to pay you alimony as well. He is thinking of the future, and he doesnt want to shell out more money than he has to. Thats just the way it is. Youre thinking emotionally, he is thinking logically.

 

if you love him, just call him by his name. If you wont leave him, then tell your friends to stop asking you why you arent getting married. Theres too many people on this board alone who have turbulent relationships, and too many people in the world who dont have good relationships.

 

You have a good one, leave it alone.

 

I would say they DO have a very big problem, and it will get bigger and bigger the more her resentment grows. I understand not everyone has an idealistic view of marriage, so we'll have to agree to disagree on that.

 

Jodes, please don't sell yourself short. If you truely believe you can be happy with your boyfriend without being married, then by all means stay with him. But I suspect that it's always going to bother you. There ARE a lot of men who don't have a tainted view of marriage such as some of the other posters of this thread do. If you really see marriage as one of your goals, then unfortunately you will need to look elsewhere.

[StoneCold]

Has he been married before?

 

the thing is, things wouldnt change if we got married.

 

 

Theres the common mistake people make..... "Nothing will change" and a few years later they are dumbfounded as to how things changed so much...

 

you really cant speak to this because you dont know what may happen

[StoneCold]

This is nonsense. he IS the perfect man, she says so, they have no problems. The ONLY reason she wants to get married is so she can call him her "husband". Its all about her ability to say "my husband", nothing else. She doesnt care about the ceremony, or the money that he will lose with the 70% divorce rate. Its a fairy tale thing and it doesnt change their relationship, its nonsense. She let herself get pregnant with a guy that told her straight up he doesnt believe in marriage, she thought she could change that, and she is getting shot down, she made the choice.

 

Jodes, Ill tell you what he's thinking. if you guys break up, he already knows he has to pay you for the kid. If you marry, and then at some point divorce, he has to pay you alimony as well. He is thinking of the future, and he doesnt want to shell out more money than he has to. Thats just the way it is. Youre thinking emotionally, he is thinking logically.

 

if you love him, just call him by his name. If you wont leave him, then tell your friends to stop asking you why you arent getting married. Theres too many people on this board alone who have turbulent relationships, and too many people in the world who dont have good relationships.

 

You have a good one, leave it alone.

 

Eddie nailed it...

Jodes, please don't sell yourself short. If you truely believe you can be happy with your boyfriend without being married, then by all means stay with him. But I suspect that it's always going to bother you. There ARE a lot of men who don't have a tainted view of marriage such as some of the other posters of this thread do. If you really see marriage as one of your goals, then unfortunately you will need to look elsewhere.

 

and so did lauriebell

 

Jodes if simply getting married is something you want then pursue it... but it wont be with this guy....you'll have to find someone else and quite frankly it wont be easy because...

 

A) You have a kid and most guys aint feeling that

 

and

 

B) More and more question the concept of marriage and are skeptical as a result

Edited April 7, 2011 by StoneCold