i worry my boyfriend doesnt want to ever get married :(

[Lauriebell82]

Jodes if simply getting married is something you want then pursue it... but it wont be with this guy....you'll have to find someone else and quite frankly it wont be easy because...

 

A) You have a kid and most guys aint feeling that

 

and

 

B) More and more question the concept of marriage and are skeptical as a result

 

I disagree. There ARE guys out there who will want to marry her..even with a child. Staying in a relationship for fear that you won't find anyone one else is a bad idea. I have been there.

[StoneCold]

I disagree. There ARE guys out there who will want to marry her..even with a child. Staying in a relationship for fear that you won't find anyone one else is a bad idea. I have been there.

 

oh sure there ARE... I didnt say it was impossible.

 

BUT most will not

[TattooMommy]

bottom line is that he hasnt asked you to marry him because he doesnt want to marry you. That doesnt make him a bad person. What makes him a **** head is tellng you in ten years, yall will get married, because he knows that is not going to happen. what will happen is that 10 years will pass and you will think even more so that you dont have any options. When he is ready to get married he will leave you. This is how it works.

 

Hey may be a perfectly good man, but he isnt a perfectly good man for you if you want to get married. He isnt going to marry you. Accept it and let it go, or leave.

 

good luck with that

[musemaj11]

Marriage is of no benefit to a man.

 

Im not against marriage because I plan to get married one day myself purely for personal sentimental reason. But Im fully aware that marriage in its actuality is going to be more of a burden than a benefit to me.

Edited April 9, 2011 by musemaj11

[jodes]

all i know is, i certainly couldnt live without him, so it seems there is no option than just to forget my dream of getting married, and enjoy what we already have!

 

You certainly CAN live without him and you need to be making arrangements for that if marriage is what YOU want and he's not with it. You say you two are as happy as can be. I don't believe you. I have no doubt that he probably is but from your post it doesn't sound like you are. It's apparently what you keep telilng yourself and probably what your live-in boyfriend is telling you too. Your boyfriend is getting everything he wants--house, woman, child, lover, friend, etc--without having made any kind of longterm commitment to you. YOU want that commitment, and there's nothing wrong with that.

 

 

 

I don't think you should subjugate your desire to get married just to be with this man. There are billions of other men out there and many of them are single, nice guys and DO want to get married. And don't let the fact you are a single mom make you want to stay with this guy. You CAN make it on your own. Me and countless other single moms are living proof.

 

You are young, you have a long life to live. You need to look out for yourself and your child first. Do what will make YOU happy. Don't be scared of the unknown and the what-ifs. Plan accordingly and your life will be just fine. That's better than sitting around resentful and unfulfilled for the rest of your life.

 

 

hi guys, thankyou so much for all your advice.

i just dont know what to do, my head is in bits. im telling myself every day, forget marriage, it doesnt matter, i have everything i could dream of, a beautiful home, beautiful child, and a loving partner. prefect uh?

it is perfect, but no matter how much i keep telling myself this, i just cannt get the thought of never getting married, out of my head. its doing my head in! im sick of thinking about it, and wondering, why, when, how, what is he thinking... i know i sound pathetic, and im really not a pathetic person, i would love to just drop it! but i cant.

 

i dont want to leave him, but the thought of never getting married, is sort of turning me against him... it makes me resent him. then as soon as he comes home from work and i see him and i give him a kiss and hug and ask how his day has been and he tells me all about it, then kisses his son and plays with him and makes him chuckle, it all goes away. its me and my thoughts when hes not around. and when he is there of course but seeing how he does make me happy when we are together, sort of makes me feel ok.

 

arrrrrhhhh i just dont know what to do.

im going to have a good chat about it with him i think.

 

thanks to everyone for posting i appreciate it, iv come to the understanding that he is probably scared, that a marriage can end in devorce, where as a long term relationship can be walked away from without any legal crap.

 

my head is up my arse at the moment. we need to talk.

[jodes]

Has he been married before?

 

 

 

 

Theres the common mistake people make..... "Nothing will change" and a few years later they are dumbfounded as to how things changed so much...

 

you really cant speak to this because you dont know what may happen

 

 

no he hasnt been married before, when he was 18 though he bought a house with his girlfriend, and they were engaged. she cheated on him though and the relationship ended. i asked him about the engagement, he said he was forced into it, she basically bought the ring and wore it. he didnt have a say in it.

 

oh and the house we have is both of ours, however he sold his old house and put down a £50'000 deposit. so he owns more than me. im not bothered about this tho, and if we were to divorce after getting married, im not some psyco bit.ch that would do him over for every penny he has. iv worked for a living from a very young age, im a hard worker, there is no way that i would take anything from the marriage that wasnt mine. thats not how i am.

 

and i honestly dont see how a marriage could change our relationship in any way. if we got married i can say that whatever happened after the marriage in our relationship, would have happened had we not got married. eg lack of sex, as iv heard this goes down hill when married. its not the marriage part that brings these things on, its the fact that youve been with this person for a very long time, married or not.

Edited April 11, 2011 by jodes

[sonipari]

I am 27 and my boyfriend is 34. We have been together for 2.5yrs and have lived together for 2 yrs. I love him very much and know that he is right for me. He treats me like a queen. Every morning we wake up he showers me with kisses and hugs, among the many other things he does and says that makes me know that he loves me dearly.

 

Early in our relationship we used to joke about marriage sending mixed messages about how we eached really felt about marriage. I know he has some complex feelings about marriage because so many in his family have failed. But looking at the stats, there have been a lot of successful ones also. My family has not been lucky in marriage either but for some reason I can look past that and see that we have something different and I am willing to give it my all to make it work.

 

A couple months ago I brought up the topic and wanted to discuss it seriously with him but it ended in a big fight because he said he wasn't ready for marriage and didn't know if he ever would be. After a lot of tears and almost breaking up he told me that he didn't know that I felt so strongly about it and that maybe in a few years he might be ready. I have a lot of problems with this "resolution" because there is still so much uncertainty. I didn't know if he just said that because he didn't want to loose me or if he really meant that he was going to think about it. We still can't talk openly about the topic without him getting defensive, and God forbid we see anything wedding related on tv, he changes the chanel immediately. The deeper problem is that because of the doubt i have that maybe he just doesn't want to marry 'ME', I have now started to pull away from him emotionally. I feel rejected. I feel as though I can't talk to him openly anymore, so as to not push the issue and yet there are so many unresolved concerns that this may never happen and that I might just be waiting in vein.

 

I just don't understand. Our lives are set up as a married couple as it is. We share a house, bank accounts and every aspect of our lives together. One could argue that if it aint broke don't fix it, but my arguement is that if it is so much like the real thing already then nothing should change if we make it official, so why not? He's got front row seats to what our lives would be like after marriage so why is he so scared? I don't need the big party and the rings and the dress and everything, in fact, I don't even want that. I believe that marriage is a symbol of the committment two people make to each other that no matter what, they will try to work it out and be there for each other.

 

Based on this, my only conclusion is that his reservations have a deeper meaning and I don't know how to get to the truth.

 

Should I wait around to see if he will stay true to his word and maybe in a few years we can move forward with our relationship or should I take the risk and start over with someone else, which might take just as long if not longer. Seems like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place since neither decision will be easy. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[jodes]

I am 27 and my boyfriend is 34. We have been together for 2.5yrs and have lived together for 2 yrs. I love him very much and know that he is right for me. He treats me like a queen. Every morning we wake up he showers me with kisses and hugs, among the many other things he does and says that makes me know that he loves me dearly.

 

Early in our relationship we used to joke about marriage sending mixed messages about how we eached really felt about marriage. I know he has some complex feelings about marriage because so many in his family have failed. But looking at the stats, there have been a lot of successful ones also. My family has not been lucky in marriage either but for some reason I can look past that and see that we have something different and I am willing to give it my all to make it work.

 

A couple months ago I brought up the topic and wanted to discuss it seriously with him but it ended in a big fight because he said he wasn't ready for marriage and didn't know if he ever would be. After a lot of tears and almost breaking up he told me that he didn't know that I felt so strongly about it and that maybe in a few years he might be ready. I have a lot of problems with this "resolution" because there is still so much uncertainty. I didn't know if he just said that because he didn't want to loose me or if he really meant that he was going to think about it. We still can't talk openly about the topic without him getting defensive, and God forbid we see anything wedding related on tv, he changes the chanel immediately. The deeper problem is that because of the doubt i have that maybe he just doesn't want to marry 'ME', I have now started to pull away from him emotionally. I feel rejected. I feel as though I can't talk to him openly anymore, so as to not push the issue and yet there are so many unresolved concerns that this may never happen and that I might just be waiting in vein.

 

I just don't understand. Our lives are set up as a married couple as it is. We share a house, bank accounts and every aspect of our lives together. One could argue that if it aint broke don't fix it, but my arguement is that if it is so much like the real thing already then nothing should change if we make it official, so why not? He's got front row seats to what our lives would be like after marriage so why is he so scared? I don't need the big party and the rings and the dress and everything, in fact, I don't even want that. I believe that marriage is a symbol of the committment two people make to each other that no matter what, they will try to work it out and be there for each other.

 

Based on this, my only conclusion is that his reservations have a deeper meaning and I don't know how to get to the truth.

 

Should I wait around to see if he will stay true to his word and maybe in a few years we can move forward with our relationship or should I take the risk and start over with someone else, which might take just as long if not longer. Seems like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place since neither decision will be easy. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

 

hey hun. hope you are ok.

 

what you have just described, is exactly and i mean exactly how i feel, and how my boyfriend feels, and also how are relationship is. we are in the same boat. i initially started this post. have you read through all the comments? they are very helpful. it makes you realise you d need to follow your dream! i have tried and tried to put the feelings to the back of my head and just think 'forget it, it doesnt matter that we will never get married' when actually deep down, no matter how much i tell myself i can do without marriage, i actually cant.

 

i started mentioning marriage from about 2 years together and my boyfirend always said he doesnt believe in marriage, but i thought he was bluffing just to put me off track! however 2 years on, and a 6 month old baby, he tells me he isnt ready yet to get married, mabee in 10 years. 10 years my arse, he is putting it off and off just to shut me up.

 

to be honest i went through a stage of mentioning marriage everyday, and he would in the end just tell me to stop talking about it i was doing his head in. what i wanted to know though, was why??? whats the reason.

people on here have said that its down to him being frightened of such commitment, if the marriage ends in devorce he could lose a lot. if there is no marriage he can just walk away. although he wont admit this to me iv decided this is what it is.

 

so recently iv stopped talking about it (over the last 6 months) only bringing it up once in a while jokingly id say 'do you feel ready to get married yet!' the thing is i want him to want to get married like i do.

 

my last post on here i said i was going to talk to him. which i did. i told him how much i would love to get married (no jokes, a serious chat) the reasons why, i asked if he thought we would ever get married, and he replied straight away - yes. i believed him. i didnt push it, and i didnt ask when i just left it at that. wether he just said that to keep me quiet i dont know. but it was a very healthy heart to heart and he listened to me instead of saying he didnt want to talk about it. i told him that id love to get engaged until we got married, and that i understand that the wedding doesnt need to be straight away if thats what he wants.he also said that if i keep talking about it it will be less of a suprise when he does eventually propose. i also worked out that he wants to be financially stable before we get married, theres work need doing on the house, our mortgage rate is due to go up soon, so hes worrying about money, and says theres other priorities at the moment. which there is.

 

so i just want to say - stick with it, he will come round.

everyone told me to stop talking about it, but i couldnt and im glad i didnt as i was at the point where i could have walked away. it was really difficult to talk to him about it as he would ignore my questions. but as iv kept on, i think hes realised how much it means to me, and he said that if it makes me happy, of course he will marry me. one day.

 

i hope you get what you want out of your relationship. we may not be getting married anytime soon, but least i now know its somewhere in the pipeline.

 

good luck

[nordic]

This is excellent advice Jodes. Please keep re-reading this post until you believe it!

 

I agree that you aren't as happy as you are letting on, and it's pretty clear that you aren't going to be able to let your dream of marriage go..and you shouldn't have to! Being in a comitted relationship is about making each other's dreams come true. If your boyfriend isn't willing, there are other men out there who are.

 

yeah. she might want to consult a mans opinion here before you jump ship on a relationship with the father of your child who loves you and want to take care of you and his child:-)

 

i am a man who likes to date women, and i am looking for someone long term, if she fits, but mostly they dont, and then i do pretty much the same thing, but only as long as there is uncomplicated sex. you really want to send her out into this world? coz, she is mostly gonna be screwed a lot, while hoping for a relationship.

 

you might think she is hot stuff. but frankly. i single mother with a very young child, who asks for marriage the first date is not gonna make my list of the perfect girl, and i am not alone.

[musemaj11]

Whats up with woman who are forcing their men to get married even though they had openly said that they were not interested in marriage? How is that any difference than men who lead on women who want marriage even though they never intend to marry?

 

Women who are forcing men who dont want to marry to get married are selfish. They want the men to get into a deal that benefit them but not the men themselves.

 

You know, in the past the women's families had to actually give money to the men in the form of dowry upon marriage. But today, men get nothing. No benefit at all. Only burden. The women's families arent even the ones paying for the wedding anymore.

Edited May 7, 2011 by musemaj11