Duckduckgoose's Coping Thread.

[Duckduckgoose]

Oh no, I know no male will fit my criteria perfectly. If he did I would think there's something wrong

 

The list of what I look for in a man is on my fridge and has been for a while now.

 

The things that are in dealbreaker categories are non-negotiable. The rest is up for grabs. Porn-addiction and depression... are dealbreakers

 

The list I was making at work was my good and bad... and neutral traits. Yeah... I had a neutral list on there... my independence could be considered good OR bad by a male depending on his personality and what he looks for from a female. ExH didn't like my independence much at all. He said it went against everything that was ingrained in him about women from a young age.

 

So in that case my independence was a bad thing. It didn't stop me from being myself and doing my own thing. I flatly refuse to hang from someone's balls.

 

But to another guy my independence could be a good thing... it will give me an "air of mystery" so to speak, because I do my own thing when I feel like it. My independence does not affect my loyalty however. I am 100% loyal to someone I am with, even when it hurts. Independence does not mean playing "musical chairs" with guys. Unless I'm single... lol:laugh:

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh no, I know no male will fit my criteria perfectly. If he did I would think there's something wrong

 

The list of what I look for in a man is on my fridge and has been for a while now.

 

The things that are in dealbreaker categories are non-negotiable. The rest is up for grabs. Porn-addiction and depression... are dealbreakers

 

Well you just eliminated about half of Loveshack (just kidding!).

 

The list I was making at work was my good and bad... and neutral traits. Yeah... I had a neutral list on there... my independence could be considered good OR bad by a male depending on his personality and what he looks for from a female. ExH didn't like my independence much at all. He said it went against everything that was ingrained in him about women from a young age.

 

So in that case my independence was a bad thing. It didn't stop me from being myself and doing my own thing. I flatly refuse to hang from someone's balls.

 

I would want to hang from someone's balls for a few minutes just to be impressed by their sheer testicular strength.

 

But to another guy my independence could be a good thing... it will give me an "air of mystery" so to speak, because I do my own thing when I feel like it. My independence does not affect my loyalty however. I am 100% loyal to someone I am with, even when it hurts. Independence does not mean playing "musical chairs" with guys. Unless I'm single... lol:laugh:

 

Very nice and well thought-out.

[Duckduckgoose]

Yeah... pray for the south-eastern USA. My state got ripped to **** yesterday... most of us are without power... lots dead lots missing. I won't say what state if you figure it out from the news please don't post it.

 

I left this morning and drove to Kentucky, it takes a lot cause I don't like this place. Today is also the day that would have been the 5th anniversary of me and my exH getting together... so it's been a helluva day.

 

I will leave when the power is restored to my city so I can go back to work. I took the birds with me they are loving the attentions they get from everyone.

[Duckduckgoose]

My mind is going too much right now about the devastation and all the **** that went down yesterday. There was fuel tankers, cherry pickers, and food truck all heading south on the interstate when I was going straight north so I know helps is on the way but its just so bad there right now...

 

My mom got me a bunch of new clothes and shoes. My apartment didn't get hit and should be safe from looting because of hot cop that lives underneath, but still. The people I love and care about are mostly still there.

 

Friends here are telling me to stay, but this is not my home. I don't think I have a home but where my apt is comes closest I would like to one day get a house there maybe even settle down.

[dreamingoftigers]

My mind is going too much right now about the devastation and all the **** that went down yesterday. There was fuel tankers, cherry pickers, and food truck all heading south on the interstate when I was going straight north so I know helps is on the way but its just so bad there right now...

 

My mom got me a bunch of new clothes and shoes. My apartment didn't get hit and should be safe from looting because of hot cop that lives underneath, but still. The people I love and care about are mostly still there.

 

Friends here are telling me to stay, but this is not my home. I don't think I have a home but where my apt is comes closest I would like to one day get a house there maybe even settle down.

 

Wow, that is crazy!

 

So are you leaving semi-perm then, or did I get that wrong?

[Duckduckgoose]

I am just staying in Kentucky till the power is restored to my city. Its been estimated 3 to 7 days at the best. Some places may be without power for a few weeks. Its eating me up inside.

[Duckduckgoose]

I got ahold of my manager today and told him I was safe and would be back when the power came back. He said he hoped it would be back on by Monday.

 

My car gets fixed on Monday new brakes, oil change and whatever else it needs.

 

Got a LARGE ASS cooler to stock up on chilled/frozen foods so I can bring them back with me, since the stores in the city are going to be raped. And a lot of ice packs... like 30... to keep the stuffs cool.

 

I am going to go to the caves and the historical sites here that I never visited and just try to relax and enjoy myself. Its kind of hard though **** threw me into another tailspin.

 

My appetite has been horrible again. Trauma of divorce, stress of starting new job... trauma of my state getting ass raped... ugh.

 

FEMA made a statement that if we were displaced because of the disaster we are eligible for unemployment for however long it took to get things back on line. But still... I had told my boss I was coming in for OT on Saturday and everything I just want to do my job and do the right thing.

[Duckduckgoose]

I am really lonely feeling right now. I am ready to go back to my apartment. Dunno when power will be restored they are saying Tuesday or Wednesday. I hope so.

 

I did a cave today and sorry but all the couples that are everywhere just make me feel more and more like a gutted fish. Also something weird that I thought I should share:

 

When I got my car from its hiding spot we (my parents and I) went to a Steak N Shake just outside of Nashville, TN. There was this guy there, he was cute and caught my eye, so when I looked him dead in the eyes I saw a lot of the pain that I knew I was feeling. He was eating by himself. For some reason I felt real attracted to this guy, like if it was different circumstances we would be together. But then he finished his foods and left that was that.

 

Until we went to Bass Pro Shop IN Nashville at the last second, my request. I wanted to look at some stuffs. And that SAME GUY was there too. I looked at him again, and I saw that he recognized me too.

 

Part of me wanted to approach him and tell him I know what he's going through cause I am going through the same thing. Another part of me wanted to hug him... its like we are both wounded animals...I dunno maybe I will see him again when I get back down to my city it would be strange thats for sure.

 

I know if I do see him again I will not hesitate to approach him.

[Duckduckgoose]

Hmm... FYI, the Steak N Shake and Bass Pro shop were not anything like remotely close to each other... talking at least 30-40 miles difference.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hmm... FYI, the Steak N Shake and Bass Pro shop were not anything like remotely close to each other... talking at least 30-40 miles difference.

 

 

Maybe he is displaced too.

 

Sorry, shorter posts, Keyboard Bandit struck again. Have to adjust to fewer keys, you should see my album photos.

[Duckduckgoose]

Back in my state. Was kind of down now I'm up on a rollercoaster high again... I can tell because its euphoric... when is this bipolar **** supposed to let up? I don't catch much of a break its either down in the dumps dragged through hell low or OMG LIFE IS THE BEST AS DIVORCED highs...

 

I am not on drugs and I am going to mention moodswings to my gyno when I get my health insurance card in the mail. There's got to be a BC pill that will even me out. And keep my hormones in check. I want to **** just about every man that walks

[Duckduckgoose]

Got my health insurance card in the mail today. I was also looking at permanent forms of BC for women... I found the Essure but the side effects are pretty crazy I guess I will go for the BC pills.

 

My employer is also paying everyone for full-time last week which is awesome.

 

I been stupidly lonely since I got back down here. I've talked to a lot of people but I feel really lonely. They lifted the curfews and FEMA and stuff is here giving food/water/other things away. I went and got some foods today, I was looking for vegetables but instead got some of everything else they wouldn't let anyone leave without it.

 

I haven't got my final Divorce papers in the mail yet. Its been a month and some change since I signed them. I plan to call my lawyer tomorrow and find out what the holdup is.

 

My job has been going well, I get on pretty well with my co-workers. There is a hipster looking guy that works there he's pretty cute. I don't date co-workers but of all the guys there I would most likely date him. I am not into hipsters but his personality shines, and he is very very calm and patient. He would make good boyfriend material, not necessarily good husband material... for me anyway. He seems too laid back, whereas I am too active. He is cute (like 7 or 8/10) and single. I don't get how he doesn't have a girlfriend.

 

There is also a hot Mexican dude there... eye candy

 

I finished reading the 5 Love Languages and about halfway done reading "How not to fall in love with a Jerk". Honestly after reading half of the "jerk" book I am surprised that anyone could find someone to get married to... and have things actually work out.

 

Reading it has been good for me, but also making me depressed. I feel like that if its that hard to find a mate to begin with, then my options are really narrow cause most guys my age give or take a few years are wanting to settle down and make a family.

 

When they find out I don't want kids they will leave me. I feel compelled to tell them up front that I am not interested in having kids so they don't waste their time on me if that is what they eventually want. I guess it just means that I am going to be a lonely bird the rest of my life

 

I am still praying that Jesus would help me find the man I am supposed to be with... which means he would not want kids either. I have really been struggling with this lately... seeing all these happy couples and knowing that if one wanted kids and the other didn't it wouldn't end well. Knowing also that I am a minority of females in that I don't want kids.

 

Part of me is like just settle and pop a few out at least you might get a good man out the deal... that is just my lonliness and hormones talking. I been feeling like crying some more I haven't cried in a few weeks so I am overdue especially with the disaster **** that happened recently.

 

Yes this is a rollercoaster low... and I am really sick of the rollercoaster I want a normal ass life again, normal emotions... and a good boyfriend that doesn't want kids and treats me well...

[dreamingoftigers]

Got my health insurance card in the mail today. I was also looking at permanent forms of BC for women... I found the Essure but the side effects are pretty crazy I guess I will go for the BC pills.

 

My employer is also paying everyone for full-time last week which is awesome.

 

That is very awesome!

 

I been stupidly lonely since I got back down here. I've talked to a lot of people but I feel really lonely. They lifted the curfews and FEMA and stuff is here giving food/water/other things away. I went and got some foods today, I was looking for vegetables but instead got some of everything else they wouldn't let anyone leave without it.

 

I haven't got my final Divorce papers in the mail yet. Its been a month and some change since I signed them. I plan to call my lawyer tomorrow and find out what the holdup is.

 

Could the disaster affected this?

 

My job has been going well, I get on pretty well with my co-workers. There is a hipster looking guy that works there he's pretty cute. I don't date co-workers but of all the guys there I would most likely date him. I am not into hipsters but his personality shines, and he is very very calm and patient. He would make good boyfriend material, not necessarily good husband material... for me anyway. He seems too laid back, whereas I am too active. He is cute (like 7 or 8/10) and single. I don't get how he doesn't have a girlfriend.

 

There is also a hot Mexican dude there... eye candy

 

I finished reading the 5 Love Languages and about halfway done reading "How not to fall in love with a Jerk". Honestly after reading half of the "jerk" book I am surprised that anyone could find someone to get married to... and have things actually work out.

 

I so want to get the Love Languages book. Have no idea why I haven't yet. So how do you avoid a jerk? Get a sex change?

 

Reading it has been good for me, but also making me depressed. I feel like that if its that hard to find a mate to begin with, then my options are really narrow cause most guys my age give or take a few years are wanting to settle down and make a family.

 

When they find out I don't want kids they will leave me. I feel compelled to tell them up front that I am not interested in having kids so they don't waste their time on me if that is what they eventually want. I guess it just means that I am going to be a lonely bird the rest of my life

 

More and more guys don't want kids. I think that you actually have an advantage in that market. Your keyboards may last longer overall too

 

I am still praying that Jesus would help me find the man I am supposed to be with... which means he would not want kids either. I have really been struggling with this lately... seeing all these happy couples and knowing that if one wanted kids and the other didn't it wouldn't end well. Knowing also that I am a minority of females in that I don't want kids.

 

Minorities in certain areas corner the market, especially with the kids thing!

 

Part of me is like just settle and pop a few out at least you might get a good man out the deal... that is just my lonliness and hormones talking. I been feeling like crying some more I haven't cried in a few weeks so I am overdue especially with the disaster **** that happened recently.

 

I hate to sound like a "breeder" but having a kid is pretty different then how I thought it would be, it is pretty wonderful if you did have one, your brain actually goes through changes to make you like it and make it think that it is the most wonderful child in the world. (But it wouldn't really be, because mine is. )

 

I used to think I would never want kids and then when I got older I wanted them more and then was told I couldn't have them so I was like "enh, didn't want one that badly anyhow." Then comes baby.

 

Yes this is a rollercoaster low... and I am really sick of the rollercoaster I want a normal ass life again, normal emotions... and a good boyfriend that doesn't want kids and treats me well...

 

There really is something that can be stabilizing about a relationship that is kinda hard to replace. It will happen and it will be great. I find that I don't feel under as much pressure having already come so close to this marriage absolutely cratering. I mean I walked away from it and now it doesn't feel like I am in any hurry to perfectly fill the void.

[Floridaman]

I feel like that if its that hard to find a mate to begin with, then my options are really narrow cause most guys my age give or take a few years are wanting to settle down and make a family.

 

When they find out I don't want kids they will leave me. I feel compelled to tell them up front that I am not interested in having kids so they don't waste their time on me if that is what they eventually want. I guess it just means that I am going to be a lonely bird the rest of my life

 

I am still praying that Jesus would help me find the man I am supposed to be with... which means he would not want kids either. I have really been struggling with this lately... seeing all these happy couples and knowing that if one wanted kids and the other didn't it wouldn't end well. Knowing also that I am a minority of females in that I don't want kids.

 

Part of me is like just settle and pop a few out at least you might get a good man out the deal... that is just my lonliness and hormones talking. I been feeling like crying some more I haven't cried in a few weeks so I am overdue especially with the disaster **** that happened recently.

 

Yes this is a rollercoaster low... and I am really sick of the rollercoaster I want a normal ass life again, normal emotions... and a good boyfriend that doesn't want kids and treats me well...

There are men (and women) out there who don't want to have kids.

I never was crazy about having kids, neither was my wife.

 

My brother, whose 47, and his wife likely won't have kids. I'm 49...

 

If one spouse wants them, I would be okay with that bec. spouses have to accomodate their partners on this as marriage involves raising a family.

 

That is to say, I wouldn't object and certainly wouldn't do anything to stop a child from being born (I know your opinion on that topic. Someone can be pro-choice for others but pro-life for themselves, as my wife is).

 

Know you don't want kids, but you may have to compromise on that if you find someone you really love. It's not really fair for the other spouse to veto the idea of children. But, that's something a couple needs to discuss before getting married.

 

Can't recall if we discussed having kids before we got married, but we both agreed neither of us was really enthusiastic about having children, so we were a good match there.

Edited May 6, 2011 by Floridaman

[Duckduckgoose]

I cried yesterday and the day before. It helped.

 

I also got a gyno exam and STD test next week. I am going to get back on BC pills before my hormones drive me crazy and make me do something regrettable.

[dreamingoftigers]

I cried yesterday and the day before. It helped.

 

I also got a gyno exam and STD test next week. I am going to get back on BC pills before my hormones drive me crazy and make me do something regrettable.

 

Like sit through Terms of Endearment, ugh.

 

Well crying will unblock those happiness pathways

[Duckduckgoose]

The title says what needs to be said. I love my friends' kids and I like to get them things, I wouldn't mind babysitting but I just don't want any for myself. I really been soul searching and it's just coming up as "don't want them"

 

DoT I don't think you're a "breeder". I think the Duggars are breeders. A few kids that you can support does not a breeder make. I don't have a negative opinion of people who choose to have kids as long as they take care of them. When they don't... yeah...

 

I think the disaster and how it shook everything up did affect my mood. It definitely made this rollercoaster low even lower.

 

My laptop might not last as long, seeing as its got leftover bird vomit and blood on it. I spent part of my first night back cleaning up dried blood spatters from my living room and kitchen walls.

 

The "Jerk" book is... good... its also overwhelming. There is just so much packed into it.. all this **** you are supposed to look out for, all these patterns in you and your partner's relationships/behaviours/parents you have to take into account... it's a big fat nasty pill to swallow. If relationships are THAT damn complicated it makes me wonder how people can be married for any length of time and not be miserable.

 

I liked love languages, it made me feel more positive about relationships but now I am going around trying to figure out what a person's love languages are based on their behaviour.

 

I need to register soon for the pre-requisites to RN classes. I am lacking like 2 biology courses and one psychology course. Hopefully I can take them at night or online. The rest of my credits transferred fine.

 

The place where my exH lives is flooded badly. I haven't texted him, but part of me hopes he had the damn sense to GTFO. At the same time unless his head is in his ass then he knows that where I live got raped by tornadoes. I am not really surprised that he didn't text or otherwise try to find out if I was okay... but I guess that he couldn't care less if I lived or died.

 

Hell I had friends I hadn't seen in 10 years freaking out on FB cause I wasn't online for a bit after this **** hit the fan but not a peep from him

 

I guess that's one of the lovely dynamics of divorce. Even the ex-bf I friended on FB showed more ****ing interest in my welfare.

 

I still have one counselling session left. I got some things to discuss with the counsellor, I been having a stick in my ass lately and I know it. I am pretty fed up with the rollercoaster emotions. It was a fun ride from the top at first now it's like "Oh I'm euphoric so my life's gonna bomb in the next few days". Its been over 5 months since he left and there has been NC since February, and the contact we had was conducted over text... so anytime this rollercoaster wants to let me off I won't even ask for a refund.

 

I long for the days where my mood is consistently in the middle. Not where the middle is something I am trying to grapple onto for dear life.

 

Taking long walks on the greenways helps some... its mostly the fresh air I think. I am very happy to have a good paying job now though, and its not hellaciously bad yet.

 

The birds' screaming before I get in the apartment helps too. I know someone is waiting for me to get back. It helps the loneliness a little bit.

 

I spend most of my time feeling like a gutted fish though. I pray a LOT for comfort during this hard time.

 

I also think that divorce is probably the worst thing a person could ever endure in their life. Some people joke about it, but it's like joking about a fatal car wreck. Not funny.

[Floridaman]

Wanted to respond to these points you made earlier, but forgot.

Guess its called the terrible 20s like its called the terrible twos.

 

This was a church girl that wouldn't let you in her shirt? Sorry but I would be driven to the limits of my sanity if I had to wait till I was married to "explore" the person I was with.

Yeah, I was being patient.

I wasn't a virgin myself, but would have enjoyed some LIGHT sexuality like that.

 

There were a couple of other women I dated - one woman and I would hold each other on the couch with my arms around her, with my hands so close to her chest...

For some reason, I was terrified of "trying" anything. How I wanted to "explore..." And should have tried.

Do recall she clearly felt my "excitement...."

 

What would she have done? Deflected me? I could have taken that.

Would she have got up and walked away?

Maybe it would have scared her off.

Don't know why I wasn't as aggressive.

 

But like I said, I truly was looking for a relationship.

I've heard rumors that people in church groups are kind of... shy... to say the least about their sexuality because they are taught to repress it, or led to believe its sinful outside the context of marriage. If that is the case I would blow all the guys' minds because if they are being coy I will just go for what I want. I will probably blow them their load too

That's a valid point.

Save something for the wedding night. Yeah we'll save the honeymoon for the wedding night. Once I figure out what you like Imma do all the things that drive you absolutely up the wall with pleasure

 

Not... "Umm it's the honeymoon baby where do I stick it again?"

Know you're being facetious, but I would have known what to do;) (though I only had like 5 separate sexual encounters).

 

Many people do want to wait as it can be more special being each other's firsts, so I know where they're coming from.

Don't worry if you didn't have so much sex through your 20s...

 

sometimes I felt like a slut for sleeping with a few boyfriends. After the relationship ended of course XP

I wouldn't have thought you were a slut.... if I had dated a woman like you.

A woman like you could have taught me things as well, as I wasn't very experienced and lived like a semi-virgin through my 20s.

 

If I had to do it all again, I wouldn't be so sexually conservative...

Like I'm doing now with my formerly sexually reluctant wife (it is improving), I would have made my moves and hope she "comes along." No askin'. Just start the moves after cuddling..

 

For some reason, I'm wishing I had done things a little differently....

Like I missed out on some things sexually....

[Duckduckgoose]

Maybe you should get the Love Languages book Floridaman? I dunno if its true or not but it says that once you learn their love language they will be dripping wet for you!

 

Not literally, but they would be more likely to have sex with you. I think Love Languages book oversimplifies it, while "Jerk" book over-complicates it.

 

Right now I can't handle rejection well... so any time I get the slightest snub from someone of the opposite sex I get ice cold. I realize that the way I am behaving right now and the way I normally behave/would like to behave are somewhat inconsistent. I know as my moods even out so will my behaviours. And only then can I identify what needs to be changed and change it, versus what was just a bi-product of divorce.

 

At work I am seeing how most of my personality is back, minus the anger (for the most part)... I would say I am 85% back in that respect. However the other 15% still missing are BIG things. Like handling a situation that makes me angry without having to clam up and walk away for a few minutes. I need to work on processing it on the spot. A bad attitude is not going to be my friend.

 

Once I get into a normal routine with this job and whatnot I can start evaluating my other areas to see when I make progress.

 

On the topic of Christian sexuality outside of marriage, my counsellor told me that oral and manual (like fingering or hand job) was out of the question before marriage, as was vaginal intercourse. I told her that I don't think I could date someone two or three years without any sort of satisfaction on that front. Her response was that most Christians date about a year.

 

I don't think I could deal with a year of that either. I heard a couple stories of people at my church that didn't even kiss till they were married. And another story of a chick that wanted to test her boyfriend's self-control so she told him she didn't want any affection for a month.

 

I was like WTF that is some sort of mind-**** controlling game. That's less about respect and more about torture! I could understand if there was a reason not to give affections... like if they had a flesh-eating virus, but just because they "said so"... sorry I am not a dog on a leash that you can pull and drag around. That's less about him affirming his trustworthiness and respect and more about her knowing she can control the **** out of him and he's pussywhipped enough to do it.

 

I also asked my counsellor if the virgins getting married needed any "help" knowing what to do. She said that yes, some do... I made an off-hand comment about "Ouch that's my bellybutton!" She wasn't so amused.

 

I really hope the next person I marry isn't a virgin... I think I might cry if they are. Just my luck I will get the most vanilla of them all... yeah she also mentioned that some consider pretty much all sexual positions except missionary as "sinful". I LOL'd right then and there. They are not, obviously.

 

I think I found it funny because in my medieval history studies I came across medieval sexuality, which considered any position with the woman on top sinful because the only way they could conceive was if they were on bottom... therefore other positions were sinful because they wasted seed.

[Floridaman]

On the topic of Christian sexuality outside of marriage, my counsellor told me that oral and manual (like fingering or hand job) was out of the question before marriage, as was vaginal intercourse. I told her that I don't think I could date someone two or three years without any sort of satisfaction on that front. Her response was that most Christians date about a year.

That year of dating without sex is prob. okay. I know you feel differently, but I could handle that.

In church premarital counseling, our lay couple asked us if we were having sex. Like the other couple, we were. They recommended we cool sex for a year before the wedding. We did. We still slept in the same bed (on weekends, we lived out of town) but didn't have sex. Except once when we "slipped." (My idea).

I don't think I could deal with a year of that either. I heard a couple stories of people at my church that didn't even kiss till they were married. And another story of a chick that wanted to test her boyfriend's self-control so she told him she didn't want any affection for a month.

Those are diff. scenarios. I've heard about those too. Usually, those "I kissed dating goodbye" scenarios where the couple didn't even kiss until they married, that usually involves teenagers or early college, not adults.

I was like WTF that is some sort of mind-**** controlling game. That's less about respect and more about torture! I could understand if there was a reason not to give affections... like if they had a flesh-eating virus, but just because they "said so"... sorry I am not a dog on a leash that you can pull and drag around. That's less about him affirming his trustworthiness and respect and more about her knowing she can control the **** out of him and he's pussywhipped enough to do it.

No, it's not one partner torturing the other.

It usually involves mutual consent, when both are virgins, or if one isn't a virgin, he/she is willing to accomodate the other as they see their life partnership as more important than getting sexually involved.

 

If both agree to that, I see no problem.

Now, if one partner wants a lot of sex, and the other doesn't want to do that (like DreamerGirl27), that partner should break it off as sex is a high priority for him/her. And if the high-sex partner pressures the other and the other gives in, that won't help the relationship.

 

It's all a matter of enforcing boundaries. One person's boundaries may be different from another's.

 

I also asked my counsellor if the virgins getting married needed any "help" knowing what to do. She said that yes, some do... I made an off-hand comment about "Ouch that's my bellybutton!" She wasn't so amused.

Of course many people, not just Christians, are ignorant about sex.

Good books can help. Sheet Music by Leman is a great resource for the inexperienced.

[Floridaman]

Wanted to split the above post as I was long...

 

Originally Posted by Duckduckgoose

I really hope the next person I marry isn't a virgin... I think I might cry if they are. Just my luck I will get the most vanilla of them all... yeah she also mentioned that some consider pretty much all sexual positions except missionary as "sinful". I LOL'd right then and there. They are not, obviously.

Duck,

I wouldn't fear ending up with a virgin.

Even if you did seriously date one, you as the experienced one could "teach" the other, much like an experienced man might do with a virgin lady.

 

Do you think an experienced man would hate ML with a virgin woman? That's like a dream.

 

I wasn't a virgin when I met my future wife, but I had very little experience and knew less about sex. Only recently, I read Sheet Music and other books and at 49, realize how little I knew about pleasing my wife.

She wasn't highly experienced either, had never had an O (still hasn't), never did oral (still not) and only straight missionary style with that former fiance.

How I want to give her oral.... ( I gave a woman I was in a LTR with oral a lot when I was 28 and just about everything else... Yes, I did want her...)

 

Some of the threads I've read here and on Enotalone have females saying the guy they dated was a virgin but it was no big deal and they got past the initial awkwardness for his first time, but they love each other and worked it out.

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=170081&p=4687082&viewfull=1#post4687082

I think I found it funny because in my medieval history studies I came across medieval sexuality, which considered any position with the woman on top sinful because the only way they could conceive was if they were on bottom... therefore other positions were sinful because they wasted seed

Those views are nonsense. I never felt certain sexual positions were sinful.

 

Sheet Music goes into all the positions.

 

This site goes into a lot about married Christian sexuality.

http://www.boards.themarriagebed.com/index.php

I used to post there (under a diff. screen name).

 

Let's just say those people don't have a lot of "hang-ups" and describe a lot of their sexual postiions, techniques, etc. that make a sexually conservative guy like me look like a virgin....:o

It's not weird stuff, but a lot of things I'm sure my wife wouldn't want to do (but I would love to try on her breasts), like String of Pearls.... if you know what that is...

 

Like scripture says, the marriage bed be undefiled, which I think means anything a couple does in LM is pretty much acceptable and honorable to God... after all, He invented sexuality.

 

Do agree there's a lot of misperceptions and wrong thinking on sex.

You're obv. a highly sexualized woman, so you wouldn't likely work well with someone wanting to wait. But wanted to show what I know about the matter and why some wait.

 

Read the links I posted, particularly TheMarriageBed.com. Dating a virgin really isn't that big a deal unless the other is a player and doesn't really love the other.

 

I know you consider yourself some kind of Christian, so thought this might help, esp. the Christian sexuality site. Too many Christians have hang-ups in that area.

 

And yes, as I posted earlier, wish I had more sex when I was single...

Edited May 7, 2011 by Floridaman

[Duckduckgoose]

I might check those books out... thank God for Itunes and audiobooks.

 

I think one of the suckiest parts of not being married anymore is not having a regular source of sexual satisfaction... nevermind that exH was addicted to porn and probably depressed.

 

I think I might be neurotic. Seriously. I was reading in the "Jerk" book about neurotic people and a lot of the stuff sounded like me.

 

It described a neurotic person as "rigid, controlling, lack spontaneousness, a high need to be in control of their own world, yet usually want their partners to take care of them, oversensitive and overreact to feeling slighted or controlled."

 

All of those but the wanting the partner to take care of them hits the nail on the head with me. I definitely wasn't perfect in the marriage. I just thought I was high strung and stubborn. Now I know there's a word for it: Neurotic.

 

What is weird is that I recognized that I am not spontaneous a while ago and was working on being more "in-the-moment" instead of planning things several days ahead of time. I was also working on the control thing about my own world... I been learning to give it over to Jesus instead of over-thinking all of it.

 

I definitely overreact to feeling controlled. Woo buddy!

 

This book is showing me some things I am going to have to work on before I get married to someone again.

 

On a good note though, I went and saw Fast 5 a few hours ago and didn't get all the pangs of lonliness I got when I saw Rio. I didn't feel the need to cry or any of that ****. I did want to puke some when the lovey-dovey scenes came up. That's an improvement over a few weeks ago... so worth noting. It could be that I am coming up off a rollercoaster low though I did consider that.

[Duckduckgoose]

Umm... I am serving in a wedding today.

 

Hopefully I am really on an upswing or sitting through the ceremony might make me crash out.

 

I am also supposed to go riding with MBG he asked yesterday but I had already ridden.

 

I wonder if I can do both? I don't want to let him down I saw that his bike was already hooked to his car.

 

I really did forget about the wedding with all the disaster **** going on. I got a nice giftcard for the girl getting married too. I thought the wedding was going to be rescheduled for real...

 

Oh well it is what it is... I don't want to bail on MBG maybe after the wedding and stuff I can ride X(

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeah the wedding may make you crash out bad....

 

My best friend's wedding was three weeks after a D-day with my h. It was grindingly hard. I know that I have looked so depressed for a long time.

 

As for the sex stuff. It's a little embarrassing to note that I am a Mormon girl and may have had the most experience of the three of us.

 

As I get older I find that my sexual template is partially written in attraction to whom I am with and what we do. I.e. My ex and I did certain affectionate and purely sexual moves and the chemistry was awesome and I liked it. Then when our relationship ended I thought that that was irreplaceable.

 

Enter in my H. The chemistry was a little work roundish at first because I was so set to my ex. (and my other ex before him etc.) then as H and I tried new things my template reset. (and I got some awesome oral sex, ha ha! )

 

Now I miss h in that way (although he isn't welcome right now to cone home and toss the sheets with me)( especially because I feel like a rape-trauma or a molestation hapPened to me while I was opening up intimate parts of me while he was constantly cheating and I could tell that he was cheating and scrutinizing me, but only after the fact.)

 

So right now my template is set to H. But I know that if I met someone else (even a virgin dude) that if we started to bond and he was willing to give me an o a few times, my brain would start to associate that guy as the source of Os (which produce dopamine and oxytocin) therefore my brain would start to reset the sexual template I have.

 

Or I could just look at porn and become hooked on that again to reset my template!

 

Duckduck if you have a sexually and intimately healthy guy, the sex won't cause a huge problem whether he is Christian or not. My h isn't Christian and that probably would have helped in our situation.

 

And yes FM I got your PM. I have about six tons of things to do, so I will be a little bit before I get a chance to respond.

[Duckduckgoose]

It did crash me out.