Duckduckgoose's Coping Thread.

[dreamingoftigers]

Damn that sucks.

 

Try some oxytocin generating activities to bring yourself back up.

 

Meditate? Sing in the shower? (not kidding), light up a bunch of candles, take a scented bath, do your hair up nice and go to the pub, go out with MBG, bake something or make a pot of soup for a neighbor in the building.

 

I used to do the weirdest thing when I was pregnant. I would bake a two layer cake but frost both separately and leave a frosted layer on a random doorstep with a note/card. I wonder how many actually got eaten!

[Duckduckgoose]

I rode 14 miles on my bike after I cried my ****ing eyes out. MBG was elsewhere but he seemed ready to bail when I texted but I was already at the trail.

 

So in the past two days I did 28 miles on the bike.

 

It did help some, as does my best guy friend from HS's wife. She knows I been kinda down lately she posts funny **** on my FB wall and texts me a lot.

 

It didn't help that when I called my mom to wish her a happy mother's day and that I helped in a wedding she wanted to talk about my divorce; why didn't I get the papers, why isn't it final yet, what is the hold up, we really liked your exH that's why we keep the pictures of him up... I was thinking PLEASE STOP!

 

After I got off the phone with her is when I balled. Then I hooked the ****ing bike up and just rode if off. I was still crying in my car on the way to the trail.

 

Its been said that the first 6 months after divorce are the hardest. Well my D isn't final yet do I really have to endure at least 6 more months of this ****?

 

I am so ready to have regular emotions again, not ones that are so up and down it stresses me the hell out... I am losing weight again because the stress is messing up my guts.

[Floridaman]

As for the sex stuff. It's a little embarrassing to note that I am a Mormon girl and may have had the most experience of the three of us.

Yeah, guess I'm in third place on this.

A guy like me would be like putty in the arms of women like you two.

Duckduck if you have a sexually and intimately healthy guy, the sex won't cause a huge problem whether he is Christian or not. My h isn't Christian and that probably would have helped in our situation.

You mean, it would have helped had he been a Christian?

I think it would have been better.

For all the lack of experience some religious people have (I say some bec. many take on faith as adults), they tend to have less problems with alchohol, infidelity, tend to have better work ethics, etc.

I used to do the weirdest thing when I was pregnant. I would bake a two layer cake but frost both separately and leave a frosted layer on a random doorstep with a note/card. I wonder how many actually got eaten!

That sounds like a neat practice. I bet those people appreciated receiving such a gift.

[Duckduckgoose]

Been kind of in a low the past day... it sucks.

 

In another thread a person referred to it as the "Crazy 8s". Emotional Rollercoaster... Crazy 8s... whatever.

 

Listening to Chris Rock at work helps.

 

I washed and vacuumed my car out nicely, just whatever I need to do to keep my mind distracted. Shiney things help a lot.

[Duckduckgoose]

Got STD tested today and BC pills.

 

Will know results next week.

 

I finished the "How not to marry a Jerk" book. Towards the end it made really good suggestions.

 

I think I might put some of them into practice. I know one of the big areas I ****ed up in all my relationships was moving too fast sexually. I will show more restraint. You have to KNOW-TRUST-RELY-COMMIT-TOUCH

 

For me... Rely and touch usually came first, then know and commit, and trust lagged hard...

 

I knew I had trust issues and my exH knew I did too...

[Floridaman]

I finished the "How not to marry a Jerk" book. Towards the end it made really good suggestions.

 

I think I might put some of them into practice. I know one of the big areas I ****ed up in all my relationships was moving too fast sexually. I will show more restraint. You have to KNOW-TRUST-RELY-COMMIT-TOUCH

 

For me... Rely and touch usually came first, then know and commit, and trust lagged hard...

That's a good point. Know many people are like that.

Think I advised you not to rush into physical relationships too fast.

Not bec. I'm some moralist or anything, but bec. doing so usually isn't so good for your own well-being.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am going to pick up that book and use it against this relationship

[Duckduckgoose]

I explained the "Jerk" book to my counsellor and while she'd never read it she said she's going to pick it up now. I told her that my RAM ( aka know-trust-rely-commit-touch) was really messed up and how can I work on it.

 

She mostly agreed with the "Jerk" book, as do I.

 

She gave me some very good pointers on what to do... especially the trust issues part. I also asked for more good books to read on relationships, marriage, conflict solving, communication, and the like. I have 3 books in my car to read, and one to buy. And the two books on my table I am reading during mealtimes.

 

She never heard of sheet music book.

 

Today was also my last counselling session. She wanted me to talk about the storms and how it affected me... so I did that some. On top of what would have been the 5 year anniversary of my exH and me going on our first "date" and then going steady, the storms with that threw me for a loop.

 

We also talked a lot about what to expect when I start dating again... which I am kind of not really but probably should be looking forward to... I guess...

 

I feel pretty good right now I had a long hard day at work, then counselling... then some AWESOME sushi. Fire Dragon Rolls... NOM NOM

[Duckduckgoose]

I am going to pick up that book and use it against this relationship

 

 

You are full of win!

[Duckduckgoose]

Downloaded lots of apps and games to my Ipod Touch. Will keep me busy when my brain starts wandering where it shouldn't.

 

I am finding if I keep myself busy, mentally and otherwise, then I only get lonely when I wake up and before I go to bed.

 

That is an improvement.

 

I need to register for Fall classes soon.

[Duckduckgoose]

Was kind of depressed today, weather been crappy all weekend. I rollerbladed 12 miles and it helped, though I got a little rained on. Now I'm nice and tired... and bored...

 

Its also PMS time so that contributes to the mood.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hey I haven't posted up very much in the last few days.

 

There is a book called When Mars and Venus Collide that has 100 suggestions to boost up your oxytocin. I find them to be helpful (maybe about 2/3 of them) when I am feeling down.

 

You sound pretty lonely often but what are you up to with trying to connect socially with other folks now that Divorce Care is done and so is counseling?

 

I have to do more outside connecting as well.

[NicoleM]

I feel like I am on a rollercoaster lately. One minute I am totally over him the next I want him back. I wrote him a letter and of course he never responded:rolleyes: I just wish there was a time machine where maybe I said the wrong thing or maybe I didn't see the signs and if I had paid attention I wouldn't be where I am today hurt and confused.

[Duckduckgoose]

Hey I haven't posted up very much in the last few days.

 

There is a book called When Mars and Venus Collide that has 100 suggestions to boost up your oxytocin. I find them to be helpful (maybe about 2/3 of them) when I am feeling down.

 

You sound pretty lonely often but what are you up to with trying to connect socially with other folks now that Divorce Care is done and so is counseling?

 

I have to do more outside connecting as well.

 

Two weeks left of DivorceCare. It was cancelled during the night of the storms blowing up the state, and for the last few weeks. Had one last week, and should have one this week and next. That will be all for me.

 

What am I doing to stay social? Hmm... well Facebook lol... that doesn't count I know haha. Any good suggestions would be welcome, but the following are what I am doing.

 

1) Hitting the "crowded" trails on my bike. Sometimes the crowded ones are not mountain bike trails, many are greenways with off-road options. But there are lots of people, including guys my age. I don't like taking a mountain bike on a greenway but whatever. There are also trails I can hit where I know I will be alone... when I need it.

 

2) Medieval re-enacting. There are lots of people at events to talk to. Unfortunately events seem to be a trigger for me. I guess I will have to keep "triggering" till it doesn't hurt anymore.

 

3) Been making it a point to go and see a new movie every few weeks. This week its gonna be Pirates of the Caribbean 4. Probably not opening weekend... maybe the Monday after.

 

4)Today I just went out for a walk by myself in one of the more crowded plazas. There was like no-one around... until hot cop that happens to be my neighbor showed up... we made small talk then I went to Gamestop... and he followed me in... we talked a bit more... I was creeped out. I wanted to go to Barnes and Noble but had the feeling he would follow me there too. He was on duty... I had just seen him go into his apartment before I left... STALKER!

 

I am also trying to "build bridges" with co-workers, to see who they know and what they do.

 

I actually have a co-worker that wants to buy my mountain bike this week. He was almost drooling on my Ipod when I showed him the picture. I am planning on selling it so I can get something a bit more suited to my riding style... and my small size lol. He's getting that bike for a song that's for damn sure.

 

When I rollerblade I go to more crowded paths too... people seem to love to talk to a person on rollerblades. Not sure why... its like "4 wheels in row on foot? Must conversate!"

 

When they start up with the car shows again I will visit some of those... I met so many people when I used to show my car in college. I would not show my car now.. but I would go to look at the cars and talk "car" with the owners.

 

And then classes coming up. Hopefully I will befriend some classmates and that will take the egde off.

 

During the week the lonely isn't so bad... it hurts most right when I wake up and before I go to bed... and it also hits hard when I wake up several times during the night. I've learned to help deal with that by praying till I fall asleep again when my sleep keeps getting disturbed. I also pray in the morning and before I go to bed... or whenever the lonliness hits.

 

And its not the lonliness that comes from not being around people... its the lonliness of divorce as I am starting to call it. In fact today I was missing my exH specifically and it sucked. Something triggered me and I don't know what it was but my mind was rolling me through a few of the good things I really liked about him. I filed them away for later use (like something that I might like in a future spouse), but I kept beating in my head his porn issues, his depression, and his commitment issues, his bottling problems that helped destroy the marriage.

 

I'd say the biggest difference between me and the exH is that when I realize I have a problem I am willing to fix it. He would stuff his issues, blame them on others, act like there wasn't a problem... nothing was his fault. He had so much going for him, but at the same time some of the worst traits of both parents manifested in him. His ****ed up mom's exaggerations and histrionics (which I pointed out he was doing and told him when he got that way I would ignore him till he calmed down), and his dad's messed up way of dealing with things... which was not dealing with them at all.

[Duckduckgoose]

One of the things in the "Jerk" book worth noting is that one of the ways to see how a potential spouse will act in a marriage is how their parents act in their marriage and whether any negative issues about how your potential mate feels about them has been resolved.

 

With his parents, his mom was ****ing bat**** crazy bi-polar not on meds, histrionic... did some really ****ed up **** to all three of her kids... and the bitch is a social worker... She's off her ****ing rocker.

 

His dad is avoidant to the extreme. His parents have been married close to 20 years, if marriage constitutes living separately as often as possible and not discussing issues with each other. I told exH while we were dating that his parents were perfect examples of people that should have divorced a long time ago... but his dad was raised to believe that divorce was not allowed... so instead his dad lives 100+ miles from his mom. His mom would get all ****ed up and make drunk phone calls to exH. I am sorry that I expected exH to act halfway normal in a marriage when his examples were so God-awful. He needs counselling more than I do, and he's least likely to get it... he told me he didn't believe in counselors and therapists when we first started dating and my trust issues were coming to light. That's fine. He can be ****ed up the rest of his life. I told him if at any time he thought I needed counselling that I would get it, and I meant it. He said everything was fine and he could handle it. Bull-****ing-****.

 

My parents, on the other hand are a pretty loving couple. My dad is kind of a jerk to my mom, but my mom is also kind of high maintenance and prone to... lie a lot or just plain make **** up. They've been married 31 years and are still very in love... to the point it makes me sick. The issues I had with them when I was younger, like my dad's yelling and breaking ****, and my mom's throwing **** at my dad I'd resolved before I started dating that I wouldn't yell or become violent... so much so that I withdrew when I got angry... but that has been handled with counselling. My parents were not perfect in raising me, but my dad has admitted to me in the past few months that he knew he made mistakes in raising me... which helped to resolve more **** in my head.

 

I am not perfect but I have a good start to find a good relationship... when the time is ripe for it...

 

I should be getting the final papers from the judge granting divorce any day now. Its been well over a month since they were filed. I called my lawyer but her bitch paralegal answered and gave me the runaround. Don't bite the hand that feeds you ho. I have been nothing but civil to her when I have to deal with her and she acts like she has something more important to do then take calls from the people keeping a roof over her head. Bitch please.

 

I am PMS and getting some chocolate tomorrow.

[Duckduckgoose]

I feel like I am on a rollercoaster lately. One minute I am totally over him the next I want him back. I wrote him a letter and of course he never responded:rolleyes: I just wish there was a time machine where maybe I said the wrong thing or maybe I didn't see the signs and if I had paid attention I wouldn't be where I am today hurt and confused.

 

I hate rollercoasters anyway...

 

But the one thing I haven't done even when I am really missing exH is do anything to contact him. All it's gonna do is rewind my rollercoaster so I will be on it longer...

 

I notice through all the **** going on in my state he has not bothered to text to see if I was okay, but an ex-bf of mine did! People I had not seen in years were trying to get hold of me! That right there shows how little he thinks of me, or how much he is absorbed in himself.

 

Nothing good will come of contacting the ex, unless you are looking for some sort of closure.

[Floridaman]

Was kind of depressed today, weather been crappy all weekend. I rollerbladed 12 miles and it helped, though I got a little rained on. Now I'm nice and tired... and bored...

 

Its also PMS time so that contributes to the mood.

That doesn't sound too great.

[NicoleM]

I saw him on skype today and he logged off quicker than Britney's marriage.

[Floridaman]

I saw him on skype today and he logged off quicker than Britney's marriage.

I feel like I am on a rollercoaster lately. One minute I am totally over him the next I want him back. I wrote him a letter and of course he never responded:rolleyes: I just wish there was a time machine where maybe I said the wrong thing or maybe I didn't see the signs and if I had paid attention I wouldn't be where I am today hurt and confused.

Nicole,

You need to go totally No-Contact with him.

 

This thread features a compilation of various NC/ non-chalance threads.

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=371897

(There are NC threads on LS, but I'm more familiar with the ones on ENA. I post in both forums, and cross-link both).

 

 

When getting dumped, it's always best to go strict NC. Avoid any kind of contact, unless you have children to exchange, etc.

 

Every time the dumpee initiates contact, he/she gets rejected and hurt worse.

 

If you run into them in public, keep the conversation short and act like you have to be somewhere (that gives you some power over the other and makes you look less needy).

You do this to prevent getting hurt by getting your hopes up.

 

In those conversations, don't bring up your relationship or inquire about their dating, etc. Don't talk about "us," apologize or start crying, etc.

 

If you do get to talking with your EX, you'll soon find the conversations are superficial.

 

The EX won't likely make plans.

If the EX does say the two of you need to meet again, take it with a grain of salt.

 

The dumpee awaits for the EX to make plans, but they never come to fruition.

Like sitting around waiting for the telephone to ring...

 

Avoding the EX is prob. the best thing to do. That includes ignoring most of the EX's texts, emails, Facebook posts and PMs, etc.

 

 

Remember, "remaining friends" helps the dumper heal.

Going NC helps you heal and move on.

[NicoleM]

I just keep thinking about him and wanting to give him one more chance how stupid am I?? Even though he shut me out and severed all ties and ignored my texts and ignored my e-mails there is one little part of me that still wants him. I keep asking myself why? Why did he walk away?? Why did he stop ignoring me?? All I ask is closure plain and simple but he is not giving me that option and I think if he did that I would move on.

[Floridaman]

Tried to edit this into the earlier message, but it's non-editable.

 

I feel like I am on a rollercoaster lately. One minute I am totally over him the next I want him back. I wrote him a letter and of course he never responded:rolleyes:

 

I just wish there was a time machine where maybe I said the wrong thing or maybe I didn't see the signs and if I had paid attention I wouldn't be where I am today hurt and confused.

Nicole, I don't think there would have been anything you could have done that would have made him stay.

He's in another place now.

 

An EX's leaving may not have had anything to do with you, but could have been all on them. The EX may have wanted something different. That's no reflection on you but the other's expectations and wants.

 

Just think of men you weren't attracted to. Was it all their fault you said no? Something wrong with them?

You prob. thought they were fine guys, but you were looking for something else.

 

What would you have changed about yourself to make the EX stay?

You personal beliefs, preferences, career, hair color?

[NicoleM]

You are right! What if I did get closure and he said Nicole I never liked the way you talked it was annoying or you were as boring as watching an opera. I guess in a way his ignoring me was probably better off and it's time to move on.

[Floridaman]

I just keep thinking about him and wanting to give him one more chance how stupid am I??

 

Even though he shut me out and severed all ties and ignored my texts and ignored my e-mails there is one little part of me that still wants him.

 

I keep asking myself why?

Why did he walk away??

Why did he stop ignoring me??

 

All I ask is closure plain and simple but he is not giving me that option and I think if he did that I would move on.

The problem isn't you, necessarily, but him.

 

Of course, you were a big part of the relationship but in reality, his leaving may in all likelihood had very little to do with you...

 

You can make the problem worse -- for you -- and delay success in future relationships, however, by dwelling on him and what went wrong, etc.

 

Please let that sink in...

 

Most dumpers never give a "reason" anyway. Even if they did, the dumpee wouldn't likely accept it. Or would challenge it and promise to "make amends" and "be a better partner..."

 

Please read those no-contact and non-chalance threads I linked to. There are threads like that on LS as well, so do a search.

I know going NC can help you.

And being non-chalant in future relationships can help protect your heart from getting too emotionally invested.

*******

 

Sorry, Duck, for taking over your thread, but this seemed like a worthy cause. It wasn't just some idle chit-chat....

[Floridaman]

Nicole,

Here's something that happened to me with my "rebound" woman I dated fairly quickly after my first real love I had dated for 6+ months, a 30 y.o. woman I met at 26, dumped me: (I'm married and 49)

 

We dated for several months and got along okay.

She was attractive and all, but I soon realized she wasn't what I was looking for. We weren't of similar educational levels (me college grad., she not), she gave very short kisses (that was really a minor consideration, though, compared to my feelings of compatabiility), and some other things.

 

She was a kind woman and likely would have made any other guy happy. She just didn't appear to be my type.

 

We weren't (wisely) sexual, so I didn't let sex and love cloud my mind... It's easy to confuse the two and soon you may feel you "owe" the other person if you get too close that way. Just my perspective there.

As I wasn't as emotionally invested, breaking up didn't hurt me that much.

 

 

Remember how disappointed and hurt she was when I broke it off.

Sensitive to when I had been dumped just a few months earlier, and how that tore me up, I saw it from her side and was careful not to cause any more harm. Calmly explained I just didn't see it working out and how I felt she was a great girl, etc.

 

I suppose she may have asked why, but I wasn't gonna tell her why I wanted to leave. Just kept it general and as I could see she was in pain, this was no time for brutal honesty.

 

Telling her reasons ("you're not on the same conversation level with me," "I don't like this particular thing about you...") would have likely hurt her more, something I clearly didn't want to do.

 

Wanted to make the break as painless for both of us as possible.

Edited May 19, 2011 by Floridaman

[Duckduckgoose]

Was feeling pretty broken and disillusioned today. Last night's DivorceCare class was on new relationships and it was too much for me to handle... like really really.

 

I took a ride over a few of the mountains in the area... in my car that is. Made me feel somewhat better.

 

Sold my bike yesterday. Should be getting a really nice one soon. Gonna use it to build my confidence riding solo on the harder trails.