Duckduckgoose's Coping Thread.

[Floridaman]

Was feeling pretty broken and disillusioned today. Last night's DivorceCare class was on new relationships and it was too much for me to handle... like really really.

 

I took a ride over a few of the mountains in the area... in my car that is. Made me feel somewhat better.

 

Sold my bike yesterday. Should be getting a really nice one soon. Gonna use it to build my confidence riding solo on the harder trails.

Yeah, keep busy with the activities. Keeping occupied with things can help you feel better.

[Duckduckgoose]

Got a nice nice mountain bike yesterday. I am sore today from riding it.

[Duckduckgoose]

I am going to state where I am physically, mentally, and emotionally. I did this a little over a month ago, in post #113. I will do it every month or so just to see where I am personally, but also for others to see where I am in my... dealing... process. I guess I could say "healing" but right now it's like bleh.

 

Physically- I would say I have 80% to 90% of my physical energy back. There are days my energy is overflowing and I can't sit the **** still. Other days I am lethargic. I think the lethargy may be tied to mood and other goings-on of the day. All physical chores I need to do get done pretty quickly and easily, I don't get horribly exhausted doing them, unless its been an emotional kind of day. I mountain bike, I rollerblade, I DDR, and I walk... a lot. Just whatever to keep me outside and/or moving around. Its been a while since I been to the mall though. I enjoy walking around the malls, be they indoors or outdoors. The new mountain bike busted my ass hard today. I gotta get used to it.

 

Mentally- 75%-85%... it kind of jumps around. My learning and motivation to learn jumps from pretty good to pretty poor. Things I should be absorbing are just not coming to me so well. Sometimes its just because I find it really hard to care.

 

A co-worker was explaning a program to me that I had made a funny comment about and I completely ignored him. I had to stop him in the middle of his explanation and tell him I didn't care what the program did I just thought the name was amusing. There are two MAJOR programs I need to learn. I know one of them from working with it a few years ago, but the setup for the way I am using it right now is just strange. I wrote down the directions so I can set it up myself but when I read them to do set-up... its like I mentally disconnect and can't remember where the button is to pull out to get things running. The other program is ArcGIS and I barely remember that one... but the buttons are very similar to one I am familiar with. I am trying hard to learn this version of Arc. I asked my manager for the online tutorial links to the processes I would like to learn to run, and that I would not only learn it in my free time, but ALSO get a student copy to learn it and load it onto my personal laptop. I would like to learn Arc so I can help with some of the higher GIS processes of my job. I know I can do it. It feels like I am slogging through mental mud sometimes.

 

My sharp wit is coming back. I am trying to tame it down with the things I have learned in counselling, and think I am succeeding for the most part. I have to think hard about it sometimes, but counselling has helped me a lot. I have learned to back down or subvert an angry situation, and I get plenty of practice every week haha. I try to turn things that make me angry into humorous things. Listening to the comedy channels or stand-up on Youtube while at work helps me feel out how to make a suck situation into something funny. Most of my co-workers and friends love my humor. Sometimes though I feel like I am hiding behind it. I guess I am... which brings me into

 

Emotional- This is where **** gets REAL tricky... I feel like I've backslid in a lot of ways. I almost feel as though I am becoming depressed. I am maybe 45%-50% emotional-wise from what I would consider "normal". Its hard to get excited about things... I am more likely to get anxious if anything. Even when I sold my bike and got a NICE new one its like I could only get halfway happy about it, and the other half was anxiety or just plain absent.

 

I been exploring my feelings a lot lately. I know I need to sort them out, I gotta get my **** sorted out before I can bring 100% of myself to the table for another relationship. For the sake of ME and the poor man that dates me.

 

Part of it is my self-esteem and confidence. I placed a lot of my confidence in my exH... and got a lot of my self-esteem from being in a relationship and marriage. When divorce hit me like a ****ing natural disaster it curbstomped both of those... and left them for dead.

 

Part of the low self-esteem is that I don't like being alone. And I don't like being around females very much. I can tolerate it, but I really prefer to be around guys or gay guys. Females are just too prissy, dramatic, backstabbing... oh not all, but most. Yet I KNOW that if I hang around males too much I am going to end up getting feelings and into another relationship when what I need is a clear head and clear boundaries before I DO get into another relationship. I've already turned down one guy I've known for a while (not MBG I've actually been trying to avoid him a bit), but I think this guy is rebounding he just got dumped and is spending most of his time drunk. I have another guy, a neighbor, trying to hook up with me also. Not interested.

 

I know that if I get with someone my self-esteem will go back up, but I will not have solved the problem behind it, which is being confident ALONE. The new bike I got is a 29er... they call them confidence builders. After my ride today I can see that. I been getting maps of trails and planning to ride them all by myself. It will build my confidence to know that I CAN take these trails without following someone more experienced. It helped some today to run over the big rocks, roots, and fallen branches, to hit some of the harder spots of the trail... and not flip the bike.

 

I have been trying to think of other things that can build my confidence so I can do them. I thought about going to one of the studios across the street and painting a few pictures. I have a really good one in mind too.

[Duckduckgoose]

I have to learn to live and be happy by myself. Its very hard, since once you are married its something you don't get out of your system very easily.

 

Once you've tasted the "Turkish Delight" like in Narnia... its hard to not want more. The worst times for my loneliness to hit me like bricks is before I fall asleep and when I wake up... this morning for example I sat there and stared at the ****ing wall for 40 minutes just trying to process through the loneliness and what felt like depression. When one of the birds started going off cause she wanted some food I got up and on with my day.

 

I don't want my self-esteem to be entwined with whether I am in a relationship or not. I want someone to talk to and share with so bad though... I am trying to re-direct that urge into singing for the birds and give them attentions.

 

When I get lonely or depressed feeling I pray... so I have been praying A LOT. I honestly don't understand how people get through divorce without some sort of spirituality...or drugs and alcohol I guess. But I don't do drugs and had one beer the night of the disaster here.

 

So to sum up emotionally: Still cleaning up that slaughterhouse. Need to work on my own personal confidence and self-esteem and get them to normal levels WITHOUT a relationship being involved. My self-worth does not depend on whether a man wants to be with me or not. My self worth is who I am and what I have done, not a ring on my finger or who I've ****ed.

 

My confidence should not be going home to a man every day and knowing he will take care of me, even though that is nice. MY confidence though, is knowing if a man never looks at me again and I never get married again its okay cause I can hit the rocks and roots on the trails WITHOUT a man, that I can care for myself and the birds without a penis swinging around to distract me. A husband doesn't make me who I am. I MAKE ME WHO I AM. A Husband is just icing on the cake.

 

GOD THAT WAS THERAPUTIC.

[Duckduckgoose]

I drove around some today to see the destruction in my state. I did not see that many wrecked buildings like maybe 5 or 10.. but of those 4 were wiped totally off their foundation... as in nothing left but a concrete slab.

 

Mostly trees, barns, fences, and powerlines wrecked. Then MBG and I went to a state park to go hiking, but then he wanted to go to a different one, so we went there... both were closed as we found out so we kinda skirted into one of them. Both state parks were in some hard hit areas so I got to see that as he was driving. And the hiking trails... LOTS of downed and fried trees we had to navigate.. One was so bad we had to turn around even though we tried to get around and he was kinda whining how he wanted to try and get around so he could see something or other.

 

Lots of downed powerlines near hiking trails too... a little dangerous.

 

I am very sore from riding the new bike yesterday and today's hiking...hopefully I will sleep well tonight and wake up refreshed tomorrow. I set my alarm clock so I can sleep in an hour.

[Duckduckgoose]

Stalker neighbor. Gonna call the cops on him tomorrow if it happens again. Three days of it. Dude just moved in.

 

Guns are loaded, bullets in chambers in case this dude tries to mess.

 

I just want to stay chill about this but its pushing all the wrong buttons. Put my counselling to good use.

[Duckduckgoose]

I felt pretty good today... then I went to DivorceCare and the disillusionment of it all set in again. I don't know what was causing that, maybe it's the unfortunate negativity of being in a room with people that have been divorced... twice in a lot of cases.

 

The clear message I am getting from that is getting involved too soon after divorce, and remarrying too soon after divorce. KK I GOTZ THAT ONE LOUD AND CLEAR.

 

This was my last week of DC... I finished the cycle. I asked one of the ladies that helps teach about the disillusionment I am feeling... she says just keep praying about it. She's a nice lady and I respect her, but I was honestly expecting a better answer than that.

 

I am going to write it down so I can bring it up to my counsellor soon. She said to call her if I have any questions or need to discuss anything.

 

And also... I am really fighting off having feelings for MBG. It is seriously taking up a LOT of mental energy. I been trying to only hang out with him once a month, and the rest of the time do things on my own. I enjoy talking to him and being around him, and the feeling seems mutual with him for all I can tell.

 

I can tell things are building, and part of me is freaked out as hell... is it too soon for this? What the hell should I be doing?

 

The scariest part to me at the moment is any sort of physical intimacy. I generally keep a good distance from him when I can. Yet I felt like maybe we should kiss or something on the way back...

 

Which got me to thinking... I am going to need some alcohol to get to where I want to kiss... not him specifically, but the next man I get involved with in general, be it him or someone else. I have been trying to pinpoint the "why" of that... and if I should be using alcohol, even one beer... as a crutch. I think once I get it over with the first time I won't need it anymore. I am really wrestling with that one. Alcohol will take the edge off which is what I would like, but at the same time I would like to do this without being impaired of judgement

 

Hell I was even looking up "first kiss after divorce" and found that its a common feeling among divorced people the first time they get involved with someone new.

 

I should be asleep but I realize that I will sleep better with this off my chest.

 

I don't need a relationship and I am trying to be really independent right now, but I am spending 75% of my mental energy trying to rationalize or dismiss how I am starting to feel about MBG.

 

I am also afraid since he has some of the traits I liked about my exH that I am going to fall into the same pattern and date the same sort of jerk. He is opposite my exH in a lot of ways hell he is polar opposite of me in a lot of ways

 

Any wisdom concerning this situation would be helpful. It would be nice to just forget about feelings but they are quite compelling and demand being dealt with. Harshly if need be.

[Duckduckgoose]

Its been almost 6 months since exH left... and yesterday I realized I had hit a turning point... it felt like getting to the top of the mountain after a VERY REALLY SO MUCH SO AWFULLY HORRIBLE hard climb. I haven't seen the view from the peak yet though...

 

The past couple days I been going to bed and waking up NOT LONELY or longing for someone to be there. When I cuddle the blanket or the pillows its not cause I am wishing it was someone there... its cause they are warm and comfortable...and I don't wanna get out of bed lol

 

It sounds like the stupidest **** and I know that, but for someone who has been dragging themself through day after day of post-divorce misery this feels awesome! Makes me want to go hug a warm pillow even more!

 

My brother made a lot of sense when he told me that I would be ready for a relationship again when I felt like I wanted one but didn't feel like I "needed" one. Well I don't feel like I need one that's for damn sure. I feel like if I start dating then that's good and all, but if I don't that's fine too.

 

I am not saying that the lonely pangs are gonna stay away forever. I did see a couple arguing while I was on my new bike a few days ago... the first thing that crossed my mind was "God I don't miss that one bit". In fact, when I saw couples I wasn't thinking how good they have it to be in a relationship or any of that ****... I was thinking "I wonder when they will get divorced" or just thinking that with a relationship comes a lot of pressures and sometimes drama.

 

Its nice to come back to my apartment (probably moving soon to the mountain), and not feel lonely cause of no man there waiting. Its nice to candidly admire a cute coworker (while he's not looking of course) and not feel guilty that I did it (unless I get caught in the act haha).

 

As far as dating goes, I am not going to actively pursue getting a man. I am going to do things I like to do and enjoy myself. If I meet someone that way I do, and chances are I probably will. I really enjoy spending time with MBG so who knows that might go somewhere but if it does I am gonna take it DAMN SLOW LIKE A SNAIL SMOKING WEED WITH A FLAT TIRE IN RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC.

 

I also thought more about the whole drinking to be comfortable enough to be intimate with a guy. Yes its a problem I am going to have to face, probably sooner then later... and most likely sooner then I'd like lol.

 

One beer is all I will allow myself. Alcohol will lower my inhibitions, which is gonna hurt me as much as help me. Its going to cloud my judgement, its going to make me horny as hell... hornier then I already am. If I can't kiss a guy without being ****-faced then I probably shouldn't be kissing him at all.

 

I am going to have a lot of anxiety going up into being intimate with the first new guy, but from what I have read that is normal. I am overthinking it already, but that's normal for me haha.

 

It probably comes from programming myself to be loyal and faithful to my exH... so that when he left me holding the bag it had the loyalty in it... so I just have to dump that bag out and the loyalty to him with it. Then just pick up that loyalty, wash his name off, shine it up real good and one day give it to a man that is worthy of it.

 

On a side note... I named my new mountain bike "Faith". I don't like the name personally but I named it that because you never know where your faith will carry you, but that when you have it you are in good hands (or on good tires as the case may be)... and Faith will carry me easily over some of the toughest obstacles like they were nothing.

[dreamingoftigers]

Do not think that have abandoned your thread DDG.

 

I have been trying to spend much more time on myself lately too.

 

Ha. I knew MBG would get to you eventually ha ha, who called it?

 

Yes, plan to be as slow as you possibly can. You know already that when you do get involved again that your brain will push things forward a little so the pace set will actually probably bs the proper one.

 

Btw, as for being comfortable I was do glad that this book was recommended but it is the best idea-literature for self-healing that I have EVER read. I have started doing some of the exercises in the last three days and already there has been dramatic recognition and change.

 

Taming Your Outer Child.

 

It may look slightly hokey on the cover but I wish I could buy this book for many, many people. Especially my parents. But anyways I would totally recommend that for sure, for sure.

[Duckduckgoose]

I will look for it today when I am out. Its too beautiful of a weekend to waste. Thankfully MBG is out of town... at least I hope he still is.

 

The best way I can put how I am feeling about him is he got in before I could get the door shut.

 

Sort of like the big moths that get inside when you don't shut the door fast enough at night

 

I will keep fighting down these feelings as much as I can.... its like roaches you stomp them they stop moving you think they're dead then they start running again... they even run with their guts hanging out

 

If anyone reads or doesn't read this I am still typing it for myself. According to the views it gets though someone is reading it besides me

 

If its therapeutic for others to read like it is for me to type thats what counts.

[Duckduckgoose]

Until this divorce. I would get small pangs, but not that burning jealousy... I realized now that I am fully capable of it and its hard to deal with.

[Duckduckgoose]

Called the police... got the incidents written down... dude was waiting at my apartment door when I got home a few hours ago. Asked if it was my place I told him no...

 

Police can't do anything until "something" happens. This dude has been trying to follow me, or following me... when possible.

 

No this dude is not my exH and probably not connected to my exH in any way shape or form. It did cross my mind some though.

[Duckduckgoose]

I took a nice long walk yesterday (before the stalker thing)... and after exH left when I took walks like that I would be physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. Walks like that give me too much time to delve into myself and how I am feeling... to get a good gauge on where I am.

 

Well of course I did just that haha. The parts that felt ripped and raw... its like they had some new stuff growing over them... like tissue healing after a very serious injury... I poked and prodded at it a little... its tender but its not "gutted fish" feeling anymore. I am hoping that nothing happens to re-open those wounds now that they're getting better. I would like all those bits back for myself now thank you.

 

If my description sounds weird I apologize, but the human body treats emotional wounds much like it would treat physical wounds.. so some of the "symptoms" and healing processes are the same. Only you can't get a physical picture of an emotional wound so you have to use your imagination a bit. I wasn't being very imaginative with mine... just describing it as my mind's eye sees it. So basically a huge chunk of flesh with some organs and everything ripped off... now regenerating itself, no pieces of meat hanging off or bleeding. I do still feel kind of chewed up at times.

 

Its going to be a long time before I can see couples and not think the worst will happen to them... I am not getting the distinct "kicked" feeling when I see them, but what I am noticing is far from positive.

 

I'd still like to get to where I can sleep a full 7-8 hours. I wake up several times a night... crazy stalker isn't helping either lol:rolleyes:

[Duckduckgoose]

Well I do have a crappy co-worker and I figured it would be a matter of time before she turned her attention to me. Today was that day it seems.

 

She's cute, but she has a horrible attitude... she's mad, nasty, dramatic... she has this gross cough with phlegm and a bronchial voice that's probably not helped much by the fact that she smokes.

 

I kind of pegged her as one of those people that starts **** from the beginning. I pretty much leave her alone I don't have to talk to her so I don't.

 

Well today I was waiting on a file to load and I was tapping my fingers... I do it a lot... then a freaking NOTEPAD nails me in my ribs.

 

I turn to look to see who threw it, and she had headphones on, but she was staring at me. I pull my earbuds out, and ask her if she missed the trash can. She pulls her headphones off and says "Sorry... I couldn't HEAR you over my music".

 

I asked her if she needed anything since she was throwing stuff at me. She said that me tapping my fingers was driving her nuts and would I please stop or tap more lightly or something. She said a few other things, but she was being quite vague about it.

 

She also said she tried to get my attention but I couldn't hear her over my headphones.

 

I responded that her request was fine, but if she could please come tap me on the shoulder next time I would appreciate it, because throwing things at people is pretty rude.... then her puppy... I mean the guy that sits next to her said "That's how we roll around here". I just ****ing stared at him for about a minute.

 

It would have been nice if she'd have approached me civilly about me tapping my fingers if it was such a problem that she had to throw something. An email, a conversation... just whatever. Throwing **** is technically assault and I am wondering if I should tell my manager before she gets more bitchy with me.

 

I am going to continue to be civil but distant with her. She's got a very very bad attitude... the second day I was there her and her roommate were outside talking, I come outside to go to lunch and they both ****ing stare at me like I'm some sort of freakshow.

 

Yeah... I am trying to see how this is testing me and how I can put my counselling to best use. I don't want this poor excuse for a human to drag me back into my old angry ways.

 

I pretty much just want to be left alone. If I have a problem with someone I definitely don't throw **** at them.

[Floridaman]

Called the police... got the incidents written down... dude was waiting at my apartment door when I got home a few hours ago. Asked if it was my place I told him no...

 

Police can't do anything until "something" happens. This dude has been trying to follow me, or following me... when possible.

 

No this dude is not my exH and probably not connected to my exH in any way shape or form. It did cross my mind some though.

That sounds horrible.

You did the right thing, though.

The parts that felt ripped and raw... its like they had some new stuff growing over them... like tissue healing after a very serious injury... I poked and prodded at it a little... its tender but its not "gutted fish" feeling anymore. I am hoping that nothing happens to re-open those wounds now that they're getting better. I would like all those bits back for myself now thank you.

 

If my description sounds weird I apologize, but the human body treats emotional wounds much like it would treat physical wounds..

No problem there. Completely understand.

 

Its going to be a long time before I can see couples and not think the worst will happen to them... I am not getting the distinct "kicked" feeling when I see them, but what I am noticing is far from positive.

I think that’s like single, never-married women in their 30s and 40s who see happy couples around them, and get jealous inside.

 

I know one on enotalone who's 40.... She's posted and in PMs to me how she harbors those feelings...

[Duckduckgoose]

Well my jealousy will either get better or eat me alive... and I'm not one to take being eaten alive without a fight of some sort.

 

Found out today after a few phone calls that exH's lawyer didn't bother to file the divorce papers till ****ing MAY... I signed them and they were back in her hands in late March... so tomorrow is the first day the judge can sign them.

 

Which means my divorce should be final in the next week.

[Duckduckgoose]

Been pretty emotionally stable this past week. That's good... exH did indirectly try to say something to me on FB... through a mutual friend. So I reblocked him and deleted the mutual friend.

 

It was some flowery **** about looking back on times and smiling. He is a good writer and I very much think he could go far if he had the motivation (I always supported him in his writing endeavors) but that flowery **** was too much for me and put me in a funk the rest of the day. Nothing that a bit of biking didn't work off.

 

I considered responding to him since I KNEW up-down-over-under-through-and-through that he directed it at me, but I didn't.

 

Unfortunately the mutual friend I deleted was part of the couple that knew both of us before we even dated... they have been coddling exH and the few times I tried to ask just the female out to a movie like before the divorce I've been given the cold shoulder.

 

They are the same couple that threw a party for exH when he left this city... and they've started hanging out with exH's former work friends... the ones that let exH stay in their basement. They're ALSO going up to visit exH... and yet I live in this city and I can't even get one of them (not exH's work friends, the mutual friends)to come see a movie with me.

 

It hurts. They claimed neutrality from the get go, but it's obvious that they rather be friends with a coward who abandoned his wife then the wife who had the confidence to get the help she needed and did all the right things to get her life back on track... it hurts a lot.

 

I was probably going to delete the mutual friend soon anyway... the cold shoulder I was getting was hurting a lot. I don't talk much about the divorce in my daily life... I tend to look towards the present and future...

 

Divorce shows you who your true friends are

 

I do have a few of their things in my apartment still... probably going to just put them in a box and leave them on their porch with a thank you note for letting me borrow them (like the pot and pan from when exH raped the kitchen while I was out getting a counsellor and left me NOTHING to cook with).

 

Any suggestions from people reading this if I am handling it correctly? Its hard to say goodbye to people I thought were friends and who declared they were not taking sides...

[Duckduckgoose]

Ugh... now my best guy friend since middle school is getting a divorce.

 

WTF. Him and his wife got married in 2007 and had their son the next year...

 

WHY? I even told him how horrible divorce was and to not get one...

 

...I keep in regular contact with his wife and she was always saying how she thinks she got married too young, shouldn't have listened to her hormones...

 

I told her divorce was horrible and the toll it takes on you is immense...

 

So again I ask...

 

WHY!!???!!???

[Floridaman]

Ugh... now my best guy friend since middle school is getting a divorce.

 

WTF. Him and his wife got married in 2007 and had their son the next year...

 

WHY? I even told him how horrible divorce was and to not get one...

 

...I keep in regular contact with his wife and she was always saying how she thinks she got married too young, shouldn't have listened to her hormones...

 

I told her divorce was horrible and the toll it takes on you is immense...

 

So again I ask...

 

WHY!!???!!???

How old were they?

 

Personally, I couldn't see myself getting married before 20. I think I wanted to get married in college.

Didn't meet the right woman until I hit 30....

[Duckduckgoose]

She is 26 or 27 and he is 27. They have a cute son too...

[Duckduckgoose]

She also mentioned how she feels he is smothering her... he moved back into the house... and she is the one that wants the divorce he doesn't.

 

Me and him go back REALLY FAR... he's the only friend from middle school I still have good ties with.

 

I want to tell her that if she wants the divorce she needs to move out.. and to tell him that if he wants her back he needs to stop smothering her... but she's said she just wants it over with and there is no hope for reconciliation.

 

It feels like I am talking to the female version of my exH...

 

I think Imma go get a swimsuit or at least look at some now...

[Duckduckgoose]

Well I met MBG's mom today. After church on my way out to my car, she approached me.

 

She was like "Are you DDG? I'm MBG's mom!"

 

I acted polite, but pretty much was thinking... "Wow she talks dumb like MBG does". Another thought going through my mind was "****!"

 

Now she can pick me out of a criminal lineup

 

TBH I wouldn't have recognized her had she not approached me. Guess I'm so awesome that I got people coming up to ME

 

Yeah, she definitely has that southern belle accent. Like I said... "talks dumb".

 

Not unintelligent though, to clarify... I guess its an accent one would have to hear to understand.

 

And of course MY mom grills me about MBG every little chance she gets. I keep telling her I don't understand why we're having this conversation. SHE seems to think something is going on. HELL my divorce isn't final till next week if I'm lucky.

 

I am thoroughly enjoying being able to look at other men, unbridled. Yes MBG has grown on me I will admit and I regularly do battle with things I feel about that but its not going to hurt to look around and see what's out there.

 

Of course I am not sure how I would feel if he found someone else while I was busy checking the scenery. If figure if that happens then I only did it to myself but I am doing this for a reason as well. I plan to get to know a potential partner WELL before I date them... oh I learned that the HARDEST way...

 

One of my friends (gay guy) told me that if this guy is showing interest in you and is staying single (he could probably date SOMEONE by flashing his money around if he really wanted) there's a reason for that, and if I am interested I should get down to the bottom of that reason.

 

I chew this over in my mind a LOT but I prefer to go turtle style on it... slowly. And pull my head in my shell if I need to.

[Duckduckgoose]

Divorce is final. Got the signed notarized sealed papers in the mail today.

[Floridaman]

Divorce is final. Got the signed notarized sealed papers in the mail today.

Hope that helps bring you some closure, Duck.

[Duckduckgoose]

As much closure as I'm going to get from the situation.

 

Kind of sour grapes right now probably because I am PMS and the divorce papers.

 

Weird too, I dreamed of exH the three nights before I got the final papers in the mail, and none of them were PG-13...

 

So would wake up sort of like it was familiar territory, and also sort of like BLEH! Every morning I would have to do a mental disconnect from that ****. Strangely enough... in every dream he would tell me something else he didn't like about me. The only one I remember was that I wasn't spontaneous enough for him. I was like "?"

 

I been feeling a bit chewed on cause of this. Thankfully its none of that raw, ripped, or gutted feeling.

 

I just need some space to clear my head... ugh.