Duckduckgoose's Coping Thread.

[Duckduckgoose]

Past two nights I am STILL dreaming about the exH. Last night I guess my dream self had had enough of it because when he walked into my "dream" house I kept him at gunpoint the whole time he was around.

 

In that dream he was trying to be all nice to me, as if he was trying to get back with me... it wasn't going to work. I knew he was trying to get my defenses down and I knew the best place for him to be while he was there was staring down the barrel of a loaded .380 being held by someone he really screwed over.

 

He ended up killing himself at the end of the dream. Somehow he got beheaded rolling down a hill?

 

So yeah I woke up kind of out of it because of him killing himself in my dream (at least I didn't have to pull the trigger on him )

 

Today was really rough, not just cause of that but also because of PMS and well... the divorce papers. I kept myself busy to try and distract myself... but I've been lonely the past few days, and when I went to the mall to get something I stayed in my car for about 30 mins and cried

 

I haven't been particularly envious of seeing couples, which I am thankful for, but the lonliness HURTS sometimes... on top of that chewed up feeling especially.

 

Took a nice long mountain bike ride... but since it's been so hot I had to take two breaks and during that time the loneliness just hit me hard.

 

Sometimes keeping myself physically and mentally distracted just isn't enough and now is one of those times.

 

I don't think this is the "rollercoaster". Which is good because I got sick of that **** a long time ago. I think it's just PMS now... but it still hurts.

 

The loneliness and knowing that you really loved someone who ****ed you in the ass HARD... it just really messes you up. Love isn't an emotion that goes away overnight... I still fight with myself (more often lately) over the love I had for my exH...

 

I know I am not ready for another relationship because of this. Its like a tapeworm... or some kind of parasite that chews on your guts some when you're otherwise healthy and makes you feel uneasy

 

I do avoid MBG when I get this way. I don't want to "confide" in a male (of his caliber) right now, it would make me vulnerable in a bad way... not something either of us needs. My male neighbors are a little different, they are just neighbors... plus they knew exH for the ******* he was

 

One of my friends said she thinks he (MBG) likes me so yeah I really gotta walk a fine line with this ugh. Which is probably contributing to my chewed up feeling.

 

Don't worry... I've stocked up on dark chocolate, this is gonna be one of those rough PMS

[Ladyfuzz]

I feel so happy, i do so so happy, and i am happy i broke no contact last night because i got what i needed, i dont need you thats for sure, but now i know you care, you might think your hiding it under all that anger but lets read between the lines here, your angry because i just took off and didnt contact you? your been so defensive when all i said was hi, you continue to mention how i just disapeared after you ended it, your telling me your not gonna wellcome me with open arms after taking off for so long, your spitting hate about me all over your social websites XD haha, i just feel happy i got what i needed, you also think im coming over for that chat with you tonight that i asked for but im not, i already know why you left you just werent man enough to tell me and you wont ever tell me, and i now know you do still care, so i feel i got clousure, i dont feel sad i have a smile on my face, the first smile in 3 weeks.

 

So when your sat waiting for me you can have a nice long think about it, because i wont be showing up. But yes continue to tell yourself your in love with her, the reason she isnt talking to you right now is because you freaked her out by trying to continue with her where our relationship left off, its called a rebound, i look forward to the day you come crawling back, i know itll be soon .

 

Heres a song that has such honest words -

[Duckduckgoose]

Hey hey ladyfuzz if it helps you cope go ahead and post it here

 

Another dream about the exH last night... this time he wasn't around but a mutual friend contacted me and asked me to come visit so I did. She told me how angry he was all the time since the D. She said he would snap at people for no reason, would punch holes in things, and generally all around unhappy and people were starting to distance themselves from him.

 

She said it was because he was hating himself for what he did and he had too much pride to correct it. She even showed me a picture of a room he had destroyed in his rage.

 

I wish these dreams about him would stop, unless they are serving some sort of purpose to teach me something, that is. Otherwise they are just causing me unnecessary stress and making me lose sleeps.

[Duckduckgoose]

No dreams about exH last night. I guess cause I was too beat from riding with MBG.

[willowthewisp]

Hey DDG, still been dipping in and out of your thread whilst I had exams. the dreams are serving a purpose, I spoke to my IC about it when i was in IC, as I am done now. he said it is your emotional inner world, it's a refelction of what is happening with your emotions and as you grieve and deal with it and go throught the process you will have these dreams. It's natural and it will lessen and eventually stop.

 

Not much comfort when you need your sleep or when you wake everyday and have to haul yourself out of bed because he is the first thing on your mind. Some mornings i would wake crying. Still, they do go and it is very early days yet for your DDG. Hang in there you are doing great.

[reimeivn]

I think willowthewisp is right. Just your mind still hold on the past. When you wake up just let it out and have a good cry. Then open the window to feel the sunlight and tell yourself that you have things to do, you have to keep going.

 

HUG!

[Duckduckgoose]

I haven't slept well the past couple nights. Looks like I'm heading to another one of those nights tonight too.

 

Its hard to dream though when you are so tired you're falling asleep whatever spot you're at

 

The dreams are probably my brain processing something like you said Willow. Dark chocolate helps

 

I am not trying to cling to the past, but I am also trying to avoid jumping into another man's arms... and MBG is keeping the pressure on now. And my . button is starting to mess up on my laptop

 

MBG is another can of worms that I haven't been typing about here, just been typing about it in my Livejournal and talking to other women about.

[Duckduckgoose]

No this is not about a man lol.

 

Its about music!

 

I've always been a big music fan... not the kind that goes to concerts, but I like hearing all kinds of music. Was in band in middle school and high school... I own tracks from every genre.

 

Well lately I've been really enjoying indie music. It seems I hear a new indie song every day that I just can't get out of my head!

 

Been pensive... well make that broody (like thoughtful/unhappy kind not chicken/eggs kind lol). I've been thinking about exH a lot... wondering if he's thinking of me etc... idealization stage I guess.

 

Want to be haunted the rest of your life? Get a divorce. That **** STAYS with you.

 

I've been observing people in my daily routines and when a person starts talking I can tell in 30 minutes if they've been divorced. They will always make a comment relating to it in some way or other.

 

And a lot of them have issues from the divorce that I can fathom out if I hang out with them enough.

 

I know now that things could have been different. They aren't... but they could have been. I guess its a little bit comforting to know that while this might haunt me the rest of my life... it will also be haunting him. He's far more emotional and sensitive than I am. Things would hit him harder than they hit me. I was definitely the thinker between the both of us...

[Duckduckgoose]

So when does this brooding end?

 

I am not really a pensive person. I think things through yes, but this is just getting silly. Is it part of my healing process? I am hardly the ripped, raw, and bleeding person I was... still quite tender when I probe into it so I haven't been pushing that so I don't find a weak spot and accidentally tear it open.

 

It has helped my healing process, I think, to visualize it as an internal wound... a serious one. Since the brain treats it as a wound (just not a physical one) if you can get a mental picture of it its much easier to see where you are in mending it up.

 

Take care of it and protect it as if it were a serious wound. Guard it from external influences (bacterium aka addictions lol) and further damage (new relationships) till it is mended correctly.

 

I have read a lot about people going through divorce and breakups who are "walking wounded". Well its true. However... you gotta focus on healing that wound so you won't be "gimpy" the rest of your life.

 

I injured my knee a few weeks ago. It was my fault for not stretching it correctly and not wearing my knee band. So instead of taking a pill to kill the pain and ****ing my knee up further with my normal activities; I took it easy on the knee, just did some light hiking, no biking (for a week UGH!!!) iced it, relaxed it, and did a LOT of physical therapy stretches on it.

 

The result? I was restless that first week. But I was able to ride some the second week, mountain bike last week, and fence and DDR and bike this week!

 

I think that can be applied to healing from a divorce or breakup in that if you don't take it easy for a bit, do the healing things you need to, and just use substances(drugs alcohol etc) as painkillers and then jump back into your old routines (aka another relationship) you will just **** your knee up further... so that when the painkillers and old routines fail you, you have an even more messed up knee. Trying mountain biking and fencing with THAT! Not gonna happen unless you get some major surgeries haha.

 

I am trying to learn from every experience after this divorce... or at least take a lesson from the more significant experiences. Not being able to ride for a week I would consider a significant experience lol

 

I also think part of the reason I am thinking of exH so much is because I am replacing physical items he took when he left. Some of them have been expensive (the camping and some cycling gear) and its caused me to fret and have to work OT to get $$ for the stuff back.

 

You know, maybe I should just marry a rich man and make this a helluva lot easier on myself

[Duckduckgoose]

Maybe its the clouds and the rainy weather... maybe its just that exH's birthday is next week... I dunno... but I been in this broody pit.

 

Very lonely... like I am just now realizing that he is missing from my life right now. I pinpointed it down to the love and companionship...

 

Its like I can't distract myself enough... the bike isn't working, work isn't working... rollerblading... pets... yeah not helping... I just space out and think about the good times we had... when I sit down to take a breather I'm looking at the sky and wondering...

 

It stays in the back of my mind... hell I've tried thinking about MBG... tried thinking about this co-worker who's a 9.5 on the "GD he's smoking hottttt!" scale

yeah not much is working.

 

I wish the sun would come out. Literally, but also figuratively I guess.

 

Also something else has been bothering me. I always joked about having ADD when I would get easily distracted or fidgety... but to me I was just high strung and kind of in tune with my own world lol

 

Well MBG mentioned it when we were talking and I zoned out cause I was staring at a butterfly... I decided to look it up... and I have a LOT of the symptoms of adult ADHD... for real...

 

So I started reading some more and it says that Adults with ADHD have a lot of trouble with relationships which leads to them having lots of separations/divorces.... ugh. I took several online assessments about it... says I am quite likely to have it... not severe, but mild...

 

I don't have the impulsivity with money so to speak, but the rest of it holds true

 

Its no wonder now that when I think that someone "can't handle me" because of my personality... it might be because I am stubborn, but also because I likely have adult ADHD

 

God knows I don't want another divorce or ruined relationship...ugh... and MBG mentioning it... ugh ugh ugh...

[Duckduckgoose]

I AGREE!! And I'm only in the first month.

 

I almost broke down crying at work today. I've been thinking a lot of my exH for some reason I still can't pinpoint why. Been waking up lonely...with like a serious aching in my chest for someone to be around. I guess since exH is the most familiar person it's him I've been aching for. It really sucks.

 

What set it off was hearing about a mutual friend from a FB discussion. One of the mutual friends that I had to cut off because they took exH's side. It brought back a flood of memories, all memories I associate with exH in some way or another.

 

The familiarity and the pain of it all hit me HARD... I was biting back tears as I was sitting there doing my work. I know I am being tested for some reason or other.... this is difficult... I mean damn I am just trying to do my work and listen to some music or an audio book. I don't want to be haunted by this the rest of my life.

 

It has a way of wearing you down FAST when you're already hurting and just trying to get back up on your feets.

 

And I don't know if I am dealing with getting blindsided like this so well, either. I have been trying not to bottle, but inevitably I have been. It makes me less friendly with people that I should be friendly with... like guys maybe. I don't want to seem ice cold and distant... which I know I am coming off as. I feel like when I'm looking at guys I'm looking THROUGH them instead...

[Duckduckgoose]

So yeah... MBG and I went to dinner after biking a lot today.. he offered he paid... not sure if that counts as a date or not.... I am really tired right now I've been up and active since 7am this morning...

 

...I started crying thinking about my exH right after I got back into my parking space in my apartment...this is some tough **** to deal with...

[willowthewisp]

Duck,

 

I promise you this gets easier. I know you do not beleive me and cannot see it right now, I couldn't either when I was where you are right now, but I promise this will get easier.

 

Along the way there are going to be ups and downs, backslides, dreadful weeks, followed by a good few days and back to bad again, but eventually it passes. I don't know how, it's trite, but I honestly think it really is just time, nothing else, just time and grieving and then one day you realise you are indifferent to him. You may, like me, still beangry and hurt about what he did to you but you will not card for him anymore and more than that you will not care if you ever see or hear from again, in fact you will rather not!

 

I wish there was something I could say to make the pain easier until that day arrives, I'm sorry you have to go through this, I know how much it hurts and how frustratingit is to feel it will never pass, I'm so sorry someone did this to you.

[Duckduckgoose]

You are right once again Willow. I had to think about it a lot after I got some sleep, but I came to the conclusion that even though I HAVE the final divorce papers IN HAND... its like it wasn't over to me... and it's not over till you start being intimate with someone else.

 

You have to break that hold that your former marriage has on you... and for me it's been painful. Only as things are getting deeper with MBG am I breaking the final strings inside of me that held me on to my former marriage.

 

Only when you start getting more comfortable with someone else can you cut the mental ties with the exH... but each little string that breaks as you get deeper with someone else... hurts... you can almost feel the little threads as they snap inside.

 

I don't hate my exH... I don't know how to feel about him... I feel sorry for him at times. I know he will only reap what he's sown. God gives second chances and when exH gets his I hope he's smart enough to see what he's got in front of him the next time and not throw it away with another good woman.

 

I realized I am going to miss him on and off the rest of my life... there were a lot of good things about him I miss.

[Duckduckgoose]

BTW, if it seems I am posting about exH a lot, its because I am trying to keep this on a "coping" level. I don't want to post too much of the happenings of my daily life or things going on with "dating"... seeing as this is the coping forum

[Floridaman]

I came to the conclusion that even though I HAVE the final divorce papers IN HAND... its like it wasn't over to me... and it's not over till you start being intimate with someone else.

 

You have to break that hold that your former marriage has on you... and for me it's been painful.

That pain is horrible, as you've posted. We understand.

Only as things are getting deeper with MBG am I breaking the final strings inside of me that held me on to my former marriage.

Am sure you're aware of the danger, but don't get too close to someone else so soon.... Try to keep some distance.

He could be your "rebound" relationship...

 

You may later see he's not the right one for you....

That wouldn't be fair to him if you let yourself get emotionally involved too soon.... and the heartache will hurt when you realize you need to end it...

 

Think of it this way:

you wouldn't want the guy you date and fall in love with to be still hurting (and healing) and therefore have his judgement clouded or "impaired" from that earlier relationship....

 

Only when you start getting more comfortable with someone else can you cut the mental ties with the exH... but each little string that breaks as you get deeper with someone else... hurts... you can almost feel the little threads as they snap inside.

Have never been divorced but considered it last fall... No, I'd never be able to forget my EX and she likely wouldn't ever forget me. And we don't have children!!!

I don't hate my exH... I don't know how to feel about him... I feel sorry for him at times. I know he will only reap what he's sown.

 

God gives second chances and when exH gets his I hope he's smart enough to see what he's got in front of him the next time and not throw it away with another good woman.

You got that right. Though neither party always does everything right in any relationship, the ending of your marriage, from what you posted, was all on him.

I realized I am going to miss him on and off the rest of my life... there were a lot of good things about him I miss.

Most people feel that way about their EXs, depending on how emotionally attached they got.

 

No one ever tells you before you fall for that person that the (likely) inevitible ending will kill you...

BTW, if it seems I am posting about exH a lot, its because I am trying to keep this on a "coping" level.

I don't want to post too much of the happenings of my daily life or things going on with "dating"... seeing as this is the coping forum

Post as much as you want about your EX and your daily life, if you like. It's all good, dear woman.

We know what you're going through and don't mind the other things you post.

 

Treat this like a blog... as a place to vent your feelings. Methinks that can help you heal as well.

[Duckduckgoose]

I am trying to keep some distance with MBG... it's difficult at times.

 

Its not even like he's filling a void that exH left... it's like he's someone I can trust... which scares the **** out of me TBH... because I have SEVERE trust issues with males in general and males I am interested in dating in specific.

 

I don't know what he knows about divorce and the resulting emotional state. I am not going to ask until we have "that" talk. He's an intelligent guy if he can't make sense of what I say I will direct him to the man that teaches DivorceCare to answer any questions and clarify confusions.

 

I also plan to tell him upfront that he could very well be the rebound guy, so he won't be surprised by any of that.

 

I decided a few weeks ago (posted it to my private online journal not here) that if (more like WHEN) we have "that" talk that unless something very dealbreaker-y came up, I would probably get in a relationship with him. Assuming that when I laid all my cards on the table and he laid his that our hands matched up, of course.

 

Why? Because lets say I turn him down. Not only have I lost a friend... I don't get the rebound relationship out of the way, assuming it will be a rebound. Talk about suck and turning down a good person...and for what? Cause I am piney.

 

Lets say I date him. Worst case scenario is that we realize we can't stand each other and break up. I lose a friend, but get the rebound out of the way. So if it doesn't work I at least know I tried.

 

I think emotionally I would be feeling this way going into the first relationship post-divorce regardless if it was 7 months after exH left... or longer.

 

And oddly... I did the math on how long I've been single between relationships... and this is the longest I've been single. And I'm dragging it out as long as I can, till MBG gets his ducks in a row and we both get to know each other better. It was 2 months after my ex-bf dumped me before I met exH, and 3 months after I met exH that we started a relationship... and I've known MBG 5 months and we're not in a relationship... so I see some difference. He's sizing me up as much as I am him. Plus I think we are just both enjoying each other's company.

 

Not to say there aren't some differences cause there are, and they are funny as hell sometimes... like he's VERY formal at times... and I am not... I got very embarrassed at first then we both just joked about it.

[Floridaman]

I don't know what he knows about divorce and the resulting emotional state. I am not going to ask until we have "that" talk. He's an intelligent guy if he can't make sense of what I say I will direct him to the man that teaches DivorceCare to answer any questions and clarify confusions.

That's sensible.

I also plan to tell him upfront that he could very well be the rebound guy, so he won't be surprised by any of that.

Wise as well. After all, he needs to know what he's getting into if you two get to serious dating.

I decided a few weeks ago (posted it to my private online journal not here) that if (more like WHEN) we have "that" talk that unless something very dealbreaker-y came up, I would probably get in a relationship with him. Assuming that when I laid all my cards on the table and he laid his that our hands matched up, of course.

 

Why? Because lets say I turn him down. Not only have I lost a friend... I don't get the rebound relationship out of the way, assuming it will be a rebound. Talk about suck and turning down a good person...and for what? Cause I am piney.

 

Lets say I date him. Worst case scenario is that we realize we can't stand each other and break up. I lose a friend, but get the rebound out of the way. So if it doesn't work I at least know I tried.

 

I think emotionally I would be feeling this way going into the first relationship post-divorce regardless if it was 7 months after exH left... or longer.

 

And oddly... I did the math on how long I've been single between relationships... and this is the longest I've been single. And I'm dragging it out as long as I can, till MBG gets his ducks in a row and we both get to know each other better. It was 2 months after my ex-bf dumped me before I met exH, and 3 months after I met exH that we started a relationship... and I've known MBG 5 months and we're not in a relationship... so I see some difference. He's sizing me up as much as I am him. Plus I think we are just both enjoying each other's company.

 

Not to say there aren't some differences cause there are, and they are funny as hell sometimes... like he's VERY formal at times... and I am not... I got very embarrassed at first then we both just joked about it.

This is all very good... and glad you responded.

Have read your posts, scanned some of them and obv. didn't read closely how you feel about/ plan to do with MBG.

 

You're a smart girl who knows how to handle herself.

[Duckduckgoose]

Yeah... it took me a while to get to this conclusion. A lot of overthinking about it that's for sure.

 

I need to read up more on "first relationships after divorce". So I can know what else is going to trip me up.

[Duckduckgoose]

Been pretty emotionally stable all week.

 

ExH's birthday is in the next couple days. I wonder how this is going to affect me. Will I feel the need to send the "Happy Birthday" text? Will I feel down and out? Will it just not matter? Hmm...

 

Let me guess, I will be broody. Yeah I think I got that right. We shall see...

[willowthewisp]

Hey Duck how are things going? Haven't heard from you in a few days, just wondering how you are?

[Duckduckgoose]

I was out of town, sorry. I was fixing to post now that I'm back and before I go to bed.

 

Things were pretty smooth on his birthday actually. I distracted myself with stuff on the day before and day of.

 

As I was driving the smell of the air in Kentucky and the scenery was triggering some of the feelings for him though, seeing as we lived in Kentucky for a while and many of my memories of him are there.

 

And as I was driving back today the same sorts of things were triggering me. I tried thinking of MBG, it helped a little. I just kept telling myself it was okay to miss exH as long as I didn't pine after him and I didn't try to contact him.

 

I feel very torn right now. I know it's officially over with my marriage... and that I should be moving along. MBG provides a moving along point if nothing else... yet it still feels so wrong.

 

I know I'm not cheating... and it doesn't feel like cheating (not that I would know as I've never done it). Perhaps its one of those things I'm going to have to drag myself along through?... like I dragged myself through the divorce as much as it hurt.

 

Oddly, when I had a drink or two last night, exH didn't cross my mind one bit... it was MBG on my mind. There was also a guy hitting on me that was fun to flirt with (we're FB friends now which will probably/unfortunately send MBG into jealous fits XP).

 

I am enjoying my freedom and being single, and at the same time... its like I WANT a relationship... I am quite confused right now. I'm also ridiculously tired. I know I can't have the best of both worlds.

 

Do I sacrifice my singleness and freedom to come and go as I please, hit on and banter with whoever I want and not feel obligated to answer to anyone but myself and God for my behaviour... for a relationship? A relationship means stability with the right person, it also means companionship and a partner to do things with and explore (in more ways than one lol).

 

But with a relationship there's pressures to conform to, obligations to meet, someone else to consider in your plans... ugh.

 

I'm going to sleep now.

[Duckduckgoose]

Been missing my exH a lot the past couple days. It sucks.

 

No, I am not going to contact him don't worry.

 

I just gotta let it burn its way out of me... sort of like I drinked in the love and now I have to sweat out the remainders.

[Duckduckgoose]

Hmm... I tried something today to see what would happen.

 

After having the pangs of missing exH most of the day I went for a ride with MBG and while he was in sight I tried to think about exH... TRIED to miss him. And it didn't work. I couldn't keep him in my mind for more than a few seconds at most... and that was REALLY trying.

 

But as soon as I am back in my parking space... it hits me like a ton of bricks all over again. I kind of wanted to cry earlier, but not after the bike ride. What is going on here?

 

I dreamed about exH last night too, and it was definitely not on the up-and-up. However I told him several times in the dream that there was no chance of us ever again because of what he did. He broke something irreplaceable. I ignored all of his advances and didn't react to any of what he was doing to me. Its like I was dead to him inside. He would've had better luck with a piece of meat thrown in the microwave to make it warm. I didn't wake up feeling disillusioned with reality or anything... which means I've healed past that point.

[willowthewisp]

Hey Duck,

 

My IC told me that the dreams are your inner emotional world, so the fact that you felt dead to him on the inside and did not react to any of his advances suggests that you have indeed turned a corner. You will no longer tolerate the thought of a recon with a man who treated you so badly, this is good, it suggests that you realise you are worth more and see him for what he really is.

 

Re MBG and not thinking of your ex. Two possibilities come to mind. First, MBG could be a distraction, hate to say it but a rebound, a way to ease the hurt and pain of missing your XH. However, I think it sounds more like possibility number two, given your dream, it sounds like you no longer desire your XH as a person, but rather you are mourning either the loss of the person he was or the loss of the relationship. This would mean that when you do not feel this longing for XH when you are with MBG, that you are ready to move on with someone new or you are getting your emotional needs met and so not longing for the relationship.

 

Does any of this sound possible to you? It's a bit of amater anyalsis of the situation I know and only you know what you feel, but I just thought I would say from outsiders perspective and someone who has been where you are how it sounds and offer some perspective to perhaps help you to make sense of all you are feeling.