Duckduckgoose's Coping Thread.

[Duckduckgoose]

Eh, MBG does not meet my emotional needs cause I keep them under such a lockdown when I'm around him. I don't discuss anything deep with him, it's more banter and whatnot. I enjoy being around him and that's what I am taking to matter right now.

 

I don't discuss my divorce with him, or anything about what I feel (as far as romantic things go). I guess if we got into a relationship I would have to; but knowing what I know about emotional dependencies and guy's protector instincts I keep full reins on things I am feeling...around him anyway.

 

I could say more, but it would belong in the "dating" section lol. MBG is shy haha. Maybe HE needs a few shots of whiskey to get things really rolling more than I need one to blur the edges LMAO.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hey DDG,

 

As for the flowing reminders of your exH, your brain has been programmed for years to equate intimacy/love=exh. Now when you start to feel the tendrils of intimacy creep back in, exh will crop up until he is weeded out or those neural connections degrade and are replaced with new ones or a different passion completely. It isn't anything to feel bad about.

 

To be honest, the first time I was intimate with the man who would become my husband I bawled my eyes out because it felt like cheating on my ex and I felt terrible about that, but I wasn't. And my ex was long gone anyways. You aren't the only one with a few ghosts hanging about.

[Floridaman]

I don't have any experience with divorce so haven't commented lately, but do read DDG's posts.

 

DreamingOfTigers,

Didn't know if you saw this latest activity in one of my threads.

I kept to the line you follow, if that makes sense.

 

Refusal-Long time refused & considering leaving

 

Was gonna send in a PM but thought it would be okay in the thread...

[KathyM]

This is my background:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=258821

 

For those that want the Cliff's Notes: Married 2 years, together almost 5. H left early December, wanting divorce. His reasoning: I'm Irish, I am too stubborn, I am too angry, I won't 'change' fast enough, when I get upset it takes me a couple days to cool down.

 

A week before he left I was contemplating leaving, and told him that we needed to work on some things. They were: His porn problem and resulting lack of sexual intimacy in the marriage (I had to beg for days just to give him a BJ), his withdrawal from activities we both used to enjoy, breaking promises, laziness, lack of communication, rudeness, selfishness.

 

He chose the coward's way out, and made sure to blame me for everything and play himself out to be the victim. I went and got a counselor the day after he left, and have been going to counselling once a week. I also attend DivorceCare, which helps a lot too. All-and-all, I have made very good progress on my issues, which will help me for a future relationship.

 

As of last week the divorce papers have been signed. It will be about a month after they are filed before the divorce is final.

 

I am starting this thread as my own personal "coping" thread. I would like to think that the worst of the rollercoaster is over now. But who knows.

 

Anyone is free to read and comment.

 

My life where it stands right now: My unemployment has run out, before the 99 weeks is up unfortunately. I have several thousand still in the bank. I got an interview with a GIS company in my city next Friday about which I am excited. At the same time I am trying to make a career switch into nursing. If I were to get this GIS job I would take my RN classes at night. It also pays far more than a CNA/Caretaker job would...so I would be able to pay for classes out of pocket, and not worry about more student loans or bills. I would also be able to save a lot of money.

 

My cost of living is not high, even though exH left me with all the bills. Apartment, electric, internet, cell phone, car insurance. He doesn't reap the benefit of any of the bills I pay though. The last I heard he left the state because I am "Out to get him". Okay fine whatever if he thinks I want to waste my gas on him he's only dignifying himself.

 

I am really hoping I get this GIS job ASAP because it means health insurance, dental and vision insurance, a steady paycheck, better pay than my last GIS job... it means I will be getting back on my feet like I am supposed to. I lost my job in 2009 and been trying so hard to get a job... any job since then. This GIS job is also so close to my apartment I could walk or ride my bike there. It was a real dick move that my exH left me with all the bills while I had no job.

 

I pray twice a day that Jesus will open the door for me to get the job I need to have. I also pray that he will bring the man I am supposed to marry to me when its that time.

 

I do not look forward to dating again. Doing it once was painful enough. I thought when I got married that was the end of that and I could put my energy into one person that would reciprocate and love me the rest of my life.

 

That said, there is one guy I think getting feelings for me. I don't want to date him for several reasons. I am surprised a gold-digger hasn't snatched him up and have said as much to him. He is not physically attractive to me, but he is very intelligent, witty, good sense of humor... we have a lot of things in common, we are both physically active with outdoors activities. He is an engineer and makes a SUBSTANTIAL amount of money a year. He lives on a rich side of town in his own house, drives a beautiful car... has two very nice mountain bikes and one road bike (never seen his road bike but it's prolly nice too). I can tell he would be a loyal mate to whatever woman gets him. He's 29 also... I'm 27 so his age range is good.

 

The things that put me off about him though mostly are in my dealbreaker category. We have VERY different political views. He is VERY conservative where as I am more moderate/liberal. He was raised in a church where as I was not, so it brings a lot of lifestyle differences into play that would cause a LOT of friction.

 

He does not like pets much, dogs, cats, whatever. He's just not into them. I think a smaller pet would just be an annoyance to him, but he's shown fear of dogs while we've been out on trails and mountain bikes. I have 2 cockatiels and 6 tarantulas. I would also like to get a couple greyhounds in the future. I KNOW that wouldn't sit well with him.

 

I don't know if he wants kids or not, but with him being conservative my guess would be "yes"... that's another dealbreaker with me... I just really don't think I ever want kids. When I consider my future I don't see a family really ever. Maybe adoption in my late 30s or early 40s but that's a big maybe. And if I got pregnant I would be getting an abortion... another thing that doesn't sit well with his conservative mindset.

 

I would rather be single the rest of my life then have to give a man who wants kids some kids when I really don't want them at all or want to raise them. Having kids is just not for me.

 

He was also raised around money, and has lived in this city his whole life. He's used to being able to spend money on what he wants, when he wants. He doesn't cook, and eats out for pretty much every meal.

 

I was not raised around money, I've had to learn to do without on a lot of occasions and especially now. I do everything I can to cut corners on bills. I cook all my own meals and its not fancy **** like he would be accustomed to eating. I cook bachelor foods for myself, I eat a lot of sandwiches and ramen.

I have also not lived in one place my whole life I was a military child and have moved a lot... which has given me a lot of perspective on people from different areas I like to think.

 

I get the feeling in the future I am going to have to reject this guy. Its gonna hurt me to have to do it. I really like him as a friend. He's already made some half-assed advances and now that he knows I've signed my papers he's been stepping up his game a little bit. So far I've ignored or diverted his advances, but I know its going to build to the point where I have to tell him "no".

 

Nevermind that its just way too early for me to be dating.

 

Anyway, that is where I am in my life and coping process as I start this thread.

I'm sorry you've had such a difficult time. Things will get better. But for the timebeing, please do yourself a favor and drop the dating of the guy that is not a match. No good can come of that. Someone you are not attracted to and whom you have very many differences with is not a good prospect for a relationship. You would be setting yourself and him up for a lot of hurt feelings when you finally break up with him. Don't waste your time on someone that you know is not a match. Or worse yet, if you talk yourself into marrying him eventually, your negative feelings towards him will surface and damage or destroy the marriage eventually. My sister has a tendency to date people that she knows is not a match and then ends up breaking their heart when she finally breaks it off. Do the guy a favor, and yourself, by not establishing a relationship with someone that is not right for you.

[Floridaman]

Correcting link..

Refusal-Long time refused & considering leaving

 

 

 

I don't have any experience with divorce so haven't commented lately, but do read DDG's posts.

 

DreamingOfTigers,

Didn't know if you saw this latest activity in one of my threads.

I kept to the line you follow, if that makes sense.

 

Refusal-Long time refused & considering leaving

 

Was gonna send in a PM but thought it would be okay in the thread...

[Duckduckgoose]

I'm sorry you've had such a difficult time. Things will get better. But for the timebeing, please do yourself a favor and drop the dating of the guy that is not a match. No good can come of that. Someone you are not attracted to and whom you have very many differences with is not a good prospect for a relationship. You would be setting yourself and him up for a lot of hurt feelings when you finally break up with him. Don't waste your time on someone that you know is not a match. Or worse yet, if you talk yourself into marrying him eventually, your negative feelings towards him will surface and damage or destroy the marriage eventually. My sister has a tendency to date people that she knows is not a match and then ends up breaking their heart when she finally breaks it off. Do the guy a favor, and yourself, by not establishing a relationship with someone that is not right for you.

 

As I've gotten to know him better, I realized that most of what I typed on that first page were assumptions about him. I was trying to put together a puzzle that I didn't have all the pieces for.

 

Yes, he is still politically conservative... he is still from one place, he is still from a money-ed background. But now I am getting more pieces to the puzzle.

 

However, he does not hold my background against me (oh Lord he could if he wanted). He is far less judgemental than I thought he would be... and while he's from one place he really enjoys travel. He also has the respect to turn the talk radio he likes to listen to down when I'm in the vehicle.

 

I am still not sure on the kids issue, but he doesn't seem to have much interest in them at all. He likes his cousins and whatnot, but as far as the smiling at kids and stuff, he more just doesn't notice them, or respectfully gets out of the way but that's it.

 

Pets: He's not keen on critters, but doesn't seem to mind them around. When he showed fear of dogs it was usually when they were not leashed and we were on a mountain bike trail (loose dog + mountain bike = crash)

 

I've been watching his behaviour closely. I've been really sizing him up. I am finding out that while I thought his family would be rigid and very formal ( he is still pretty formal at times), they are actually very very very laid back, which surprised the **** out of me.

 

I guess what they say about assuming... it makes an ass of u and me.

[dreamingoftigers]

And really, how could it not be a massive step up?

[Duckduckgoose]

And really, how could it not be a massive step up?

 

Oh **** that was funny.

 

One of my neighbors that knew my exH too said the same thing. He was like "Well it didn't take you long to do way better". I had to tell him I wasn't in a relationship with MBG lol.

 

My exH is living with his mom right now, working in his normal occupation... food service. Mentally he's pretty much fallen into something he never said he would, he's acting like his mom. Which confirms for me that he IS mentally ill.

[Duckduckgoose]

Been fine the past week. I kind of wondered why. Then I realized its cause things are picking up at work, which means I need to put in more hours.

 

I really don't like OT and its one of the reasons I had so many problems at my former job. I decided to apply a counselling strategy to it. What is it about OT that makes me bent? What can I do to overcome it?

 

Then I decided... my car is getting pretty old. I been wanting a new one. So now... I have a goal to get a brand new car by October 2011. Well now, unless something terrible happens I will be getting one. I will have a decent down payment around the time of my birthday, so the car will be a birthday present to myself.

 

I am selling my current car (had it since I was 17 years old got it brand new too) to a private buyer because trade in value on it blows. Too much has been invested in my car to get tablescraps for it. My car is old but I still get compliments on it. Its a beautiful car. Someone will get very lucky when they get it

 

So my coping for the week has been less about dealing with feelings related to the exH cause knowing now that he's mentally off his chain gave me some sort of weird satisfaction.

 

But anyway... if you have to work OT make the most of it and get yourself something big and shiny!!

[Duckduckgoose]

There are some days I realize how much damage exH did to me mentally and emotionally and yesterday was one of them. I just pray I didn't seriously **** up with MBG...

 

On the plus side though, one of my hot co-workers LOVES my cookies... I wanted to preen myself and puff out my chest

[willowthewisp]

There are some days I realize how much damage exH did to me mentally and emotionally and yesterday was one of them. I just pray I didn't seriously **** up with MBG...

 

On the plus side though, one of my hot co-workers LOVES my cookies... I wanted to preen myself and puff out my chest

 

Duck, oh dear! What happened with MBG?

[Duckduckgoose]

It might just be my mood. I been kinda bent yesterday and today.

 

Which wasn't helped by my exH calling me today.

 

I didn't answer. I did a reverse lookup on the number to be sure. Its him.

 

I am changing my number tomorrow.

 

He didn't leave a message.

Edited July 18, 2011 by Duckduckgoose
Wasn't finished with the thought.

[Duckduckgoose]

I like how its only been a month-ish since the divorce was final... and here I am fixing to get a new car, doing well in my job, and getting interested in other men...how the hell does it happen this way? For real.

 

The exes think... oh they must be getting their **** together, I better call and **** things up!

Edited July 18, 2011 by Duckduckgoose
Unfinished thought, again.

[Duckduckgoose]

Cell phone number changed. I'm not gonna play this game.

[Duckduckgoose]

About time for another one of these. Got good things to report

 

Physical- 100% YAY! Biking and DDR have been my main physical outlets, although I have been walking and rollerblading some. Unfortunately my left knee has been a jerk to me so I gotta be careful with it.

 

Mental- 100%. It seems all my faculties are back up to full power. That is awesome like 10x over!

 

Emotional- 75% to 90%. It dips down low once a week or so, to like 60% but I seem to be getting a better hold on it. Something I realized I was having trouble with was looking men in the eyes. Not older men, but guys around my age. I was trying to practice it with MBG, but I felt like I got stabbed in the guts when I did manage it. Instead I've been practicing with co-workers and random dudes in public. Its working... some. Its still emotionally easier for me to wear sunglasses when possible so they can't lock eyes.

 

I am not taking getting hit on so well. I've gotten a few phone numbers in the past couple weeks, and some guy working at the frame store while I was getting a frame was hitting on me hard. I went into this robotic mode. Its like part of me shut down. He wasn't attractive, and he was only making things awkward as he kept up his game. I finally had enough and told him please hurry that I had something melting in my car. He apologized for everything and said he hoped I wasn't offended. I said I wasn't offended I just had other things to do (besides be a damn robot that is)

 

But at the same time... I am not having trouble being playful/flirty with guys I already know...hell even one that I didn't know but met on the 4th of July and wasn't attracted to I was still hitting on some.

 

I fight the "shutdown" mode around MBG so much. Its an uphill battle. I like him, but damn this is hard sometimes.

[Duckduckgoose]

When I'm not shutdown things are great with him, our personalities complement pretty well. When I am shutdown I can tell he's confused cause he backs off or kind of clams up. It hurts me to see it happen... and it hurts even more cause its like I'm behind this invisible wall that I'm kicking, screaming, and throwing **** at but it only goes away when IT feels like, not when I've had enough of it.

[Duckduckgoose]

No wall today with MBG!! Yay!

 

Seems like he could tell too cause his demeanor was a lot spunkier then the past couple times we hung out.

[Duckduckgoose]

I've heard that when you get a divorce the people involved are torn like a piece of meat... no clean cut, and pieces of you get stuck to them, and pieces of them get stuck to you.

 

Now that I am back up to 100% mental capacity I am seeing how that is true for my situation. There are aspects of "me" now that were definitely not "me" before I met exH. And they are very much like exH.

 

Some are okay, or just different... and a few are bad and I'm trying to work them out. Like prolific cussing. I used to cuss some, but I really picked up his mouth and his perverted train of thought, thinking comments and responses to things when it would be inappropriate to say them. That was always one of his glaringly bad traits that I didn't like... and looks like it broke off and stuck to me.

 

Another weird one (I won't share them all) is the color of the new vehicle I will be purchasing soon. I prefer one specific color, but the vehicle that is "speaking" to me is his favorite color, and the color of truck he always wanted. I really want this color vehicle, and it bothers me because it's nothing to do with him, as he will most likely never see me with said car. But when I see it, its such a beautiful color... that the color I thought I originally wanted pales in comparison... kind of odd I know.

[Duckduckgoose]

Lately I have been quite happy. It feels like everything I've gone through in the past couple years has been for a reason. I didn't like being abused by my old boss, losing my old job, being unemployed, watching my marriage fall apart, watching my life unravel slowly... I didn't like being angry at everything... I didn't like NOT HAVING CONTROL.

 

But when I turned my life over to Jesus, and started trusting him... things began to look up for me... no it wasn't easy... it wasn't without a lot of crying and a lot of wondering why... a LOT of pain... and counselling. It took surrendering my CONTROL to Him... or should I say what I "thought" was control.

 

But now, coming out on the other side of this HUGE MESS that's been my life the past few years I am realizing that now I am getting a second chance to not **** up this time.

 

I got a new job that pays better... yeah it has things I don't like, but I deal with them better than I would have before. I have the opportunity with this job to prove that I can work hard and get projects done. Did I mention its also a good place to practice my anger counselling on myself? lol

 

I got a new attitude, VERY important cause attitude is most of the battle.

 

I'm getting a new car, which is sort of like a clean slate in a way... cause every guy I've ever been with... all the trials and tribulations of the past 10 years has been in that car (maybe not "in" it so to speak, but that car was always waiting patiently outside haha). A new car is like a new slate to write memories on.

 

And being single has its advantages. I don't feel so lonely anymore. I guess that's good cause it means I'm starting to be okay with myself. I am very much enjoying being able to look at guys with no guilt out of being attached.

 

At the same time, I realize that I am getting a second chance at learning to love and trust again with MBG. He's a major step up from what I am used to. While he's not perfect, and he's definitely taking his time (shyness or knowing I'm divorced I'm not quite sure... probably some of both); Its giving me plenty of time to feel out every situation with him around and decide if he would be a good person to be in a relationship with. I don't know if he realizes it but I am very thankful for that. If he jumped in the water quick, I would probably have shown him I can swim just fine, but then things would have sunk fast. He's probably still feeling me out just as much as I am him.

 

I am thankful most of all to Jesus, who has given me hope for the future no matter what happens. I give praise to Him every day, even some things that I wish were different (like difficult co-workers). Everything happens for a reason. I had to watch my life come apart before I realized who was the One to rely on to put it together.

[onlyafool]

I am thankful most of all to Jesus, who has given me hope for the future no matter what happens. I give praise to Him every day, even some things that I wish were different (like difficult co-workers). Everything happens for a reason. I had to watch my life come apart before I realized who was the One to rely on to put it together.

 

I've been reading your coping log and this post in particular is beyond great I know I'm a stranger to you (although you're the first person to comment on my first post), but I'm happy you're coming out of the fog and are able to see the good that is all around you. The church and Jesus were monumental for me in my recovery from my divorce. I love me, but He loves me more...and man oh man is that a comforting thought.

[Floridaman]

That's good to hear, Duck. Hope your trusting in something bigger or higher than yourself will give you peace and help you in other ways.

[Duckduckgoose]

I had just gotten off work today, ran some errands and came back to my apartment and I cried for about 5 minutes over missing my exH.

 

WTF.

 

I was seeing his face in my mind, and remembering some of the things I really liked about him.

 

I snapped out of it and continued about my business but a little cloud was hanging over me for about 30 minutes after.

 

Not even sure what the hell triggered that. PMS maybe? But this isn't a bad PMS.

[Duckduckgoose]

Yeah last night I got this massive tension/sinus headache. I couldn't sleep even though I tried so hard to.

 

Every time I woke up... I was wondering where exH was so I could ask him to rub my shoulders and head. Oh man I was missing him sooooo bad as I was laying there all knotted up from my upper arms to my head.

 

I ended up rubbing my own shoulders a tiny bit and almost wanting to cry cause I needed rubs so bad...

 

And I need to go get some sort of shelving since I freed up some space in my apartment and would like to move the tarantula cages. He was always really handy with that sort of thing. He had a knack for measuring correctly, building, and finding exactly what was needed. I guess it came from him building houses for a while.

 

Of all the things that broke off of him and stuck to me why couldn't that be one of them

[Duckduckgoose]

I did a medieval thing the past couple days... and the mutual friends that chose exH's side were there. I wasn't expecting them to be so it kind of threw me off.

 

I played cool. I played almost ice cold. I had to shut that part of myself down... that part that connects me to him through them.... They had to take the initiative to speak to me, and they did. I made sure what I said to them was highly censored... I put my counselling to its best use.

 

But I also feel like I backslid some. I wanted them to see me in the best light possible... why? Because I knew that everything would get back to my exH. I told them about the new car, my job, and while I didn't get real obvious about MBG I dropped his name a few times when asked about what I had been up to in the meantime.

 

It was totally playing games... wanting to be like "Neener neener coward exH, look at all this stuff I have going for me now that you're gone!". I know that was so wrong... the chick of the pair kept looking me in the eyes... so I made sure when she did she got some cold ice in return. Not a mean look, just one that said "I know you prefer him, so don't expect much warmth from me".

 

It was odd because they initiated all conversation, I answered but didn't volunteer anything. Both were sort of sizing me up...

[Duckduckgoose]

Yeah. I was bored at work today and kind of restless but couldn't figure out why... it felt... itchy inside.

 

Like WTH, it was like I had an itchy scab inside that needed picked or scratched. I realized it was that painful spot that tended to hurt whenever I would really miss exH. I guess there is an internal "scab" on it that's ready to come off and is making me itchy inside.

 

Good cause it means I am healing. There are not too many times I miss HIM now so to speak, just times I miss things he did, or aspects of his personality. A lot of times I just miss having the companionship and having someone there that I /knew/ was committed to me (well to the best of my knowledge )

 

One thing I am realizing that "triggers" me to think about and miss him is rock music. Its quite unfortunate that him and I had very similar taste in music. He didn't like indie music much so listening to that instead helps some.