Duckduckgoose's Coping Thread.

[Duckduckgoose]

Its been a ****ty week. Every day has been like dragging myself through quicksand.

 

Oddly I have been missing exH because of it. I guess because I want him to talk to... to comfort me...to tell me its gonna be okay. I wasn't tempted to contact him. I knew that doing so would only serve to make the week even worse.

 

Things should start looking up next week, hopefully.

[Duckduckgoose]

It seems the harder I try to fight the feelings I'm getting for MBG, the harder its getting to fight them. This is a losing battle. And I'm losing it so bad, but going down kicking and screaming at least.

 

He's definitely sizing me up... his behaviour shows that clearly. I think his "moving slowly" is him analyzing me for any strange quirks. I'm getting better at reading him, getting better at looking him in the eyes and not getting the "kicked in the guts" feeling. I am still trying to piece together what I'm seeing... and it's not going to come to me tonight cause I need a few days to think on it. And some sleep haha.

 

Also, while we were talking about something else... exH came up. I pretty much try to avoid that topic like a burning gas tank, but I realized I could talk about him without suppressing any emotion. I didn't talk badly about him... no point in that lol... I just stated facts and moved on. It didn't hurt, it didn't bring up any pangs... it didn't... anything... it's like he was a part of the past now...such a strange feeling. More of a movie scene in my head then a real person and a memory of someone I will always love gone.

 

And yeah I realized that too... not tonight of course... it just kind of sunk in slowly over the past few months. You don't give up that much of yourself to someone... to something (marriage) and expect for the love you had to totally disappear... cause it won't. It may fade over time, but it will always be there. Sort of like a closed well... You can dig another well and tap into its source for a newfound love, but the old love and the old well will always be there... maybe just a relic of the past, but a permanent one nonetheless. But no point using the old well... it's an old well for a reason... dried up and abandoned.

 

I know I am waxing a bit poetic or whatever, and I apologize if anything is misspelled cause it's late and I'm sleepy. I just thought to document this as I feel it/discover it.

[dreamingoftigers]

I have missed reading this thread for a little bit. I am so glad that you are still dedicated to it. I am glad that you have MBG around.

 

I love to read your post-divorce thoughts. I think I understand what it will be like now. I loved my ex with all of my heart as well before I met my husband. My ex left me shortly before we were to be married. I have thought about him a lot since my H's infidelities.

 

At some point the feelings I have had for my H will just be like that I guess, with extra measure thrown in because we have a daughter together.

 

I can't completely evict him, and he probably can't completely evict me either, no matter how much he thinks he'll be able to or no matter how hard he tries. How painful yet very oddly a little comforting.

 

I wish that these last 3 years could just fade into a very distant memory. With the exception of my daughter of course.

[Duckduckgoose]

I have been taking the "How to avoid falling in love with a jerk" book seriously.

 

Some of the techniques I've applied to MBG. I am seeing things I do not like about him one bit.

 

He seems to have some sort of control issues... they don't spill over onto me... but he likes to be in charge of his own little world... he likes things done just so. While I am laid back, that kind of grinds me the wrong way when I notice it.

 

Something on his laptop screen: He brought out his laptop to show me something on Sunday, and the screen had SOMETHING on it... like splattered stuff. I asked him to please get his Ipad to show me whatever it was cause I was not TOUCHING that laptop... later that night he found a single sock in his car... yeah... he said the sock was clean, but I was thinking where was the match? The reason these bother me is cause my exH had a porn problem. Socks were his cum-catcher of choice so seeing ONE sock flips me out some. And the splattered dried stuff on that screen... ugh. I guess he couldn't find his sock in time...

 

When he asks me to do things, if I respond in the negative (like do you want to hang out today and do <blank> and I respond no) he will ask if I would like to do something else instead. He likes to initiate things, but wants my feedback/opinion. But if I try to initiate things he will seem halfway interested then back out.

 

Shyness/lack of relationship experience: This irritates me to no end. He's a friendly guy towards me, but it's pretty obvious he's got little/no relationship experience. Not a good combination with someone who's divorced, and had plenty of experience before then. I will go ahead and clarify we are not in a relationship... but are kind of "dating" I guess one could say. I've seen old pics on his FB of him with his arm around a chick... so I know he's been in a relationship. I haven't asked him about his past relationships or why they've ended, I just don't feel like that's appropriate yet

 

Lying: I am especially paranoid about lying, so I LOOK for **** like this... lo and behold I found it. The first two were kind of small and I let the first one go, the second I asked him about... little "white" lies I guess. Today I texted him asking him something, he "backed out" and said I could do that later because he was planning to do such-and-such thing instead. Well he didn't do such-and-such thing. He did something else. What he should have said instead would have been "Sorry, gotta do <blank> today" instead of copping out. Piss me off

 

Emotionally unavailable? Yeah I am trying to figure out what the definition of emotionally unavailable means exactly. He doesn't talk about emotions one bit. He talks enough about his family, co-workers, just random things... he doesn't talk much about himself though. Also, I told him something that I hoped he'd have kept in confidence. No... he mentioned it on FB and people were like "what?". Ugh... I asked him to show some discretion please and his response was rather flippant. I feel like while I am trying to open up and show my emotions a little more he is a lot slower on the uptake about it. He's been better about it but it's like he's scared to death, or just maybe not "there".

 

I hate to say this so much, but I really appreciated the honesty and emotional openness of my exH. So much so that its like a physical pain when I have to deal with the lack of it with MBG.

 

So while MBG has traits that my exH lacked, he lacks what the exH had... some things overlap...

 

If MBG has a compulsive lying habit or a porn problem I will definitely NOT get into a relationship with him. Its going to suck to cut things off with him but I will do just that. I haven't felt compelled to discuss any of these things with him because of the fact that we are NOT in a relationship.

 

This is something I definitely need feedback on. Am I looking too hard for red flags?

[Duckduckgoose]

I had a dream last night about the exH. At first I was in a canyon and he rides up on a donkey and has another donkey for me. He's calling me "honey" and all that crap... like we were still married... getting up in my personal space. I would back away from him each time and tell him I wasn't his honey and do my best to ignore his other friendly gestures.

 

Finally I got in my car and left, but it wasn't my car... it was like a new car that was mine... but not MY car that I currently own

 

Then I was in bed, and he's there... calling me honey and all that ****... trying to get some. I tell him to leave and he does, but he's sweet-talking me the whole way out.

 

I guess my subconscious is dis-connecting from him, cause that's what it felt like when I woke up.

 

I further tested this theory at work... listened to some songs that should have triggered me... and I felt NOTHING.... I wanted to change the song for the simple fact that I was bored listening to it.

 

What a strange feeling. It seems like it should hurt... or sting... or something... this letting go... part of me doesn't want to let it go... but it's fading.

 

The part that doesn't want to let it go sees it as letting the only man I've really loved slip from my life. Not like that makes any sense, cause it doesn't... but that's how it feels.

 

When it hurts or I get a pang... it's not from him... it's from remembering what it was like to be married... but he could be a picture on the wall for all the memories care... I did talk about something with a co-worker today and mentioned my exH... and for all that was said (just about food and something he did with it), it just felt like exH was as important to me as the cashier at the gas station... so strange...

[Duckduckgoose]

Before I take a well-deserved shower and go to bed early for a Saturday (lol) I thought I should post this. Its sort of an analogy to how a divorced person feels inside. Yeah... another one.

 

Your emotions are like a ladder. The lower the rungs the deeper the emotions...

 

When you get divorced all the rungs in the ladder get broken. All of them. You are stuck on the roof that you'd used the ladder to climb. So here you are on this ****ing roof now what?

 

To get back down to where you can feel again, to where you can trust again...to where you will give your all to another person again you're gonna have to fix all the rungs... one by one... from the TOP down... you can't fix the bottom rung from the roof. So slowly you fix the top rung, ease onto the ladder, fix the next... so forth and so on.

 

That ladder is gonna be real wobbly too cause anytime the bottom could fall out since nothing's holding it together. Its a slow painful process to get off the roof and get back to the bottom of yourself.

 

I really don't know how I came to this analogy. I was biking today and it dawned on me. Last week I saw some downed tree-stands but it didn't click till later.

 

I don't know how far my rungs are fixed... something really deep inside of me broke and I realize that was the bottom rung. I don't know how I'm going to fix it when it gets to it either... pray a lot is my guess.

[Duckduckgoose]

All day I was trying to trigger myself to see just how far I'd healed from my divorce. Nothing was working. Its PMS time too so I should be emotional but I'm not. I was irritable over the weekend and I think MBG wasn't too happy about it lol.

 

Well I had my first class of the semester today (one class per semester for the next 5 years ought to get my nursing degree lol). Well I was checking out the college meat as I was leaving and this black truck pulls out in front of me. I was kind of looking at the truck it was pretty nice... then I notice the driver...

 

...umm... he looked A LOT like my exH... I was getting a little tripped out. The truck was the same kind of truck that my exH had the past two vehicles... it wasn't him... I got closer and took a REAL good look at the dude but please believe I was halfway freaking out about it.

 

My mind started racing... I was like "OMG why is he back here!? What is he doing is he trying to start something by coming back to the city he knows I live in? Is this just the beginning?" Followed by "DAMN I don't have my new car yet so I can't blow past him and show off...".

 

Way to trip myself out...

[Duckduckgoose]

I am getting my new car next week. I got 0.9% fixed APR on it... I couldn't pass it up that was such a deal.

 

I am actually kind of scared to get a new car. I've had my car so long...I'm hyped that I CAN get a new car, but still... I have the for sale sign in my current car, and I feel like I am ditching a real good friend by selling my old car.

[dreamingoftigers]

DDG,

 

I really doubt that MBG's monitor is because of what you were inferring.

Really doubt that. But trust your stomach, it knows before you do.

 

I hope the divorce healing is going less up and down after time goes on.

 

As well, expect to "see your ex" around.

 

I had an ex that left shortly before we were supposed to be married and then he moved out of town within three days.

 

I have no idea where he is now and although I wouldn't ever get back with him, I occasionally think that the guy walking down the street is him.

 

I think our brains are just curious as to what became of them. And a teeny piece of us stays on guard against what hurt us in the past.

[Duckduckgoose]

I never really "saw" my exH till then. I kind of wondered why it took so long. A little part of me was attracted to the guy. I smashed that down pretty quick. Nothing screams rebound like going for someone who looks just like your ex... or someone who's completely totally and polar opposite.

 

With taking a class this semester I am enjoying the "meat market" quite a bit. All the guys are too young for me to consider anything with, but somehow it's an ego boost to bask in all this male glory.

 

Of course, at community college you get every kind of freak, geek, and weirdo there too. Guess I better get used to that. It wasn't quite that way at the University I graduated from. I also wasn't looking at guys like they were meat at the University... something else strange that might be a bi-product of divorce.

 

As for MBG, he does not seem like the porn type. He disdains that sort of thing, or if he does it he's on the DL about it bigtime. As to the lying, I've listened to him carefully as he's speaking with other people to find any inconsistencies. Everything lines up.

 

That doesn't however fix his "backing down" issue. He's scared, and I know it. Hell... I'm scared too. I just don't back down about it

 

I asked him about the communication thing. He said he just tells what he thinks people need to know, and if they have any questions or need clarification they usually ask. I told him that he reminds me of a brick wall at times, and also when he tells me something he needs to give me the logic behind it because I won't just do something blindly. I don't think he liked that one bit. I don't think emotionally unavailable describes him... I think with his engineer mindset that's just how he rolls, and I'm getting a distinct impression that some chick seriously burned him earlier in life.

[dreamingoftigers]

The fact that things are unravelling at a very....relaxed.... pace with him would correlate with your theory.

 

There is a great book on male and female mindset and meshing them. It is actually called How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It. But I think it has the best explanations for it and if it wasn't titled the way it is, should be required reading for high school students IMO.

 

I swear that the meat-market mentality starts in us when we get royally screwed over by a guy. All of a sudden, that committment and effort that we put towards one man, just seems so fruitless that we can see about a million options to be had without getting too attached and having the same thing happen again.

 

You are hardly, hardly the first I have heard of.

[Duckduckgoose]

I swear that the meat-market mentality starts in us when we get royally screwed over by a guy. All of a sudden, that committment and effort that we put towards one man, just seems so fruitless that we can see about a million options to be had without getting too attached and having the same thing happen again.

 

You are hardly, hardly the first I have heard of.

 

100% agree. Gonna go ahead and add to it a little in fact.

 

Whatever is it that breaks in you during divorce kind of gives you a vindictive disregard for the feelings of the opposite sex. At least that's what I noticed.

 

I've had to try hard to respect MBG's feelings for example. He was far better today since I told him what was bugging me last week. He's quite a good listener and very helpful. You ask him for one thing, he goes all out to help... for real.

 

Part of me is like "I can abuse the **** out of this, and I should". But why?

What good would that serve me? If he caught on I would lose a friend at the least, probably more.

 

So why again /should/ I take advantage of him? Cause my exH dicked me as hard as he did. What a terrible ****ing thing to think. It was definitely one of the things that "broke" in me during the divorce. Just because one dog bit me does not make it okay for me to kick every other dog I see in the ribs.

 

And also, by regarding men as objects you distance yourself from the pain and just how internally ****ed up you are from a divorce. I don't have to deal with feelings on my part or their part if I treat them like an object. They can be manipulated to my advantage and then left as I see fit. Your car does not cry when you sell it. It does not anxiously await your presence every morning so it can gladly ferry you to work. It won't be in anguish when you drive another car instead. A human would have feelings you'd have to take into consideration... which is too much damn work

 

I've been guilty of at least one kind of shady behaviour. I make sure MBG knows that I have other options. It's not difficult really. Other guys on mountain bike trails will usually talk to me first before noticing him

 

Nevermind Facebook, where an ex-boyfriend likes to still hit on me some, and several other guys that are interested in me (I intentionally added them for the attentions lol) will be quite... upfront about liking me and wanting to date. If it doesn't drive MBG nuts then he's just not human. I will admit I get a jealous spike if a chick comments on his FB, but that happens rarely, and I get hit on ALL THE DAMN TIME... I tell him and other people I keep the hiking stick in my car to beat the guys off... one guy that was hitting on me even told me it was a nice stick when I told him what I use it for

 

So yeah. Sometimes I feel like I need to get a hold of myself a little better if me and MBG are going to progress. What's sad is that there's a part of me that doesn't give a **** for how he feels. Its the vindictive part... like I have to make him pay for what exH did, in some small way at least. I gotta keep telling myself "Just because he has a penis doesn't mean he's your ex". He's not perfect but the least I can give him is the best I can treat him.

 

I've kinda been trying to work this out in my head actually. One of those mental things I do when at work. Best time to do it.

[dreamingoftigers]

I did go through that wanting to pound on guys thing for a little bit, but that was right around the time I found LS.

 

That's when I started reading about guys who were really affected by their relationships and divorces.

 

It really struck me how they actually felt that pain and hurt. I know that when we are little kids we all get told about how "we all have feelings" etc. But when a member of the opposite sex pulls a full bait-and-switch, it just seems like you can't believe that at all. Plus so many men put up such an aggressive front AND they are socialized not to display so many things. PLUS they are actually biologically sensitive to shaming and will seek out an escape to deal with their emotions instead of venting them like we do.

 

Physiologically, it has been proven that the long-term affects of divorce are much harder on them in all aspects: health, temperament, parenting ability, etc. (aside from financial, many actually throw themselves into their work and have higher incomes as well as their net worth not being as greatly affected).

 

They really feel it, they very often do not have outlets to properly express it and they feel the sting of failure for much longer apparently.

 

It seems hard to believe, but it is true.

 

If MBG is worth half of his salt, I implore you to keep that side reigned it. Indulging it.... oh jeez, never mind. You are probably much smarter then I am and clearly have your priorities straight. Just iron it out and keep smiling.

[Duckduckgoose]

I got my new car today.

 

It is beautiful. My boss wants to drive it lol. I told him sure... after all if I didn't have a job I wouldn't have this car. He's got first dibs on it I really hope he doesn't crash it

 

Strangely I wanted to cry this morning. My exH knew how badly I was wanting one of these cars. Part of me was wanting him to be there to share in the experience of me getting the car. Not in a malicious vindictive way. In a "I am finally achieving my goal of getting this car!" kind of way.

 

I guess the car triggered me badly...

 

So right now... I have a new car and a headache. I missed both tests in my class tonight... and I was studying for them too while waiting at the dealership

 

I am very thankful to the Lord who has provided me with a good job to buy this car, and the color, style, etc that I was wanting where it could be easily shipped to me (no crossing state lines). Its a difficult car to find and I prayed about it a lot, like if I was supposed to keep my old car then so be it. But HE opened up the opportunity to get the EXACT car I wanted, at an excellent price with negligible interest rate. I am very very thankful

[Duckduckgoose]

Been enjoying the brand new car the past few days. And working lol. At least this is a 3-day weekend to enjoy such a shiney toy with.

 

Car is getting a lot of attentions. It kind of strokes the ego. Its also stressful, cause I am selling my old car which has been with me for so long. I was at MBG's house standing outside just STARING at my old car (I drove it there). Its like by getting a brand new car I am REALLY severing all ties with my past... its painful. Its not just memories of exH, it's memories of EVERYTHING from the past 10 years... from high school up till now.

 

I've cried in that car, I've screamed in that car, I've talked to that car... I've put blood, sweat, tears, and love into that car. Its worth so much more than what I am selling it for. It hurt to reduce that car to just a list of features and modifications on a piece of paper.

 

Maybe my new car is like life after divorce. A clean slate to start over with. I am trying to look at it that way. Its similar to the old car in ways, and in other ways it differs dramatically.

 

If nothing else, it will at least get my love affair with a sports car that everyone seems to have over and done with. Then I can get something more responsible... like a...another two seater? haha

[Duckduckgoose]

Its been 3 months since the divorce was final.

 

And today I realized I feel nothing for exH... nothing...

 

He hasn't been the first thing I think about when I wake up or the last thing I think about before I fall asleep for quite some time. When I speak about him he's a person who WAS not someone who IS and has seriously hurt me. He's just... a memory and a kind of messed up one at that.

 

I have been experiencing a lot of anxiety lately. I don't think it's directly involved with divorce aftermath, but I don't think the re-adjustment to life after divorce helped any. Anxiety has been an issue with me since highschool and it comes in waves. And it hits HARD when it hits. No anxiety attacks, but have come close a few times.

 

I know its anxiety when whatever is bugging me is just plain irrational, and when my gut reaction is irrational as well. My mom has the same sort of thing. I guess it comes with a neurotic personality.

[reimeivn]

eh i hope you feel better soon. right now you just get hurt way too much so you are kind of emotionally numb for a little bit. i know how it feels like, and i know that deep down part of you is dying with him leaving too. but it is a good thing.

[Duckduckgoose]

The part of me that was dying when he left is dead.

 

It was confirmed for me yesterday. My mom called me to talk, and she decided to bring up my exH, and KEPT GOING ON ABOUT HIM. I asked her to please stop, as there was nothing to say about him.

 

She still has the pictures around the house of him and me together... ugh. She said she prays for him because she's convinced he's going to burn in hell for what he did to me... I kinda laughed about that... I know him well enough to confidently say he's burning in his own mental hell right now. The man with the pitchfork is the voice in his head.

 

But she just kept prodding. Its like pulling a dog's tail. Eventually the dog will have enough and snap at you. But that's her style... beat something into the ground that's already dead. It does not endear me to talk to her when she does **** like that.

 

Most importantly, as she was prodding me hard about him I didn't feel anything but irritation that she was beating a dead horse. No sadness, no anger... nothing.

 

My posts here are coming fewer and farther between. I guess that I am mostly done with coping. I am braving the scary world of "being single" and "dating". MBG has opened up quite a bit, he's a very interesting guy when he does so. I got sick of trying to figure out what was in his head.

 

He didn't used to initiate conversation or talk about anything but facts or events. Now he will initiate talk, and talk about people, places things (mostly facts still). He's talked more about his personal history, things he likes/dislikes/does/doesn't do... it's like he turned a ****ing corner... or he getting coached by someone lol

[dangerbang]

The part of me that was dying when he left is dead.

 

It was confirmed for me yesterday. My mom called me to talk, and she decided to bring up my exH, and KEPT GOING ON ABOUT HIM. I asked her to please stop, as there was nothing to say about him.

 

She still has the pictures around the house of him and me together... ugh. She said she prays for him because she's convinced he's going to burn in hell for what he did to me... I kinda laughed about that... I know him well enough to confidently say he's burning in his own mental hell right now. The man with the pitchfork is the voice in his head.

 

But she just kept prodding. Its like pulling a dog's tail. Eventually the dog will have enough and snap at you. But that's her style... beat something into the ground that's already dead. It does not endear me to talk to her when she does **** like that.

 

Most importantly, as she was prodding me hard about him I didn't feel anything but irritation that she was beating a dead horse. No sadness, no anger... nothing.

 

My posts here are coming fewer and farther between. I guess that I am mostly done with coping. I am braving the scary world of "being single" and "dating". MBG has opened up quite a bit, he's a very interesting guy when he does so. I got sick of trying to figure out what was in his head.

 

He didn't used to initiate conversation or talk about anything but facts or events. Now he will initiate talk, and talk about people, places things (mostly facts still). He's talked more about his personal history, things he likes/dislikes/does/doesn't do... it's like he turned a ****ing corner... or he getting coached by someone lol

 

ha, duckduckgoose I just read about 25 pages of this compelling tale... My small story seems nowhere near as epic! Glad you're doing well. Tried to PM you but that doesn't seem to be an option here. eoinfitz at gmail dot com if you want to chat in private. I'm Irish though so that may be a problem

[Duckduckgoose]

MBG likes to act like we're in a relationship.

 

We're not.

 

Its kind of cute, but rather irritating. Man up and initiate the talk boy(friend) lol

 

That's one thing I won't budge on. To me, a man has to be the one to initiate that ****. By now he should have figured out I am at least not thinking he has something contagious. I'm not a real patient person. He's either scared to death of rejection, has been burned through the core in the past, or has no ****ing idea what to say.

 

I think it's all three. He won't talk about women from the past yet...

[Duckduckgoose]

Don't worry, he's not getting anything from me that he would get if we WERE in a relationship. No getting the milk for free from DDG anymore! I told myself that if I am not in a relationship then the guy I am "talking to" can not expect any of the relationship benefits.

 

They will get talked to, spent time with, etc... but I save anything physical and the REAL good stuff (like cooking and being awesome) for someone who can commit.

[Duckduckgoose]

Blah... stupid period and hormones... making me broody the past few days. Dark chocolate solved it for about 3 hours but now it's too late at night to eat more.

 

I've been showing my old car to potential buyers and it's been upsetting me. After every showing I just sit in the car and brood. I go somewhere to go shopping and I just sit there and brood. I get finished shopping... I sit in the car and brood. I won't even do it in the new car... just the old car. That car feels like my second skin. I am trying to figure out why and I can't even damn pinpoint it.

 

And then my thoughts drifted to my divorce. Not to missing my exH, although he made a good bedwarmer now that fall is rolling in and temps are dropping. More like... did I marry for the wrong reasons?

 

Reasons I got married: I was in love, he was pretty good in the sack, we connected on a deep level, he was sensitive, he was a hard worker, he was more okay letting me be in charge most of the time, he didn't seem to mind my attitude, our life goals were compatible, I trusted him to stick around as he said all the right things and showed time and again that he would be there the long haul. He seemed like a good husband for me. We complemented each other in a lot of ways.

 

Things I DIDN'T marry for:

Money, cause I was the breadwinner. He worked hard but he didn't have the focus to complete college and I was making a lot more per hour than him. In fact, when we started dating he was $7000 in the hole on a credit card with 33% interest from his ex-gf.

 

Stability... well both of us were in our 20s so we were just getting on our feet in terms of that, I didn't expect him to support me I was more like lets support each other through this. He wasn't really very emotionally stable either but kept reassuring me that he was working it out in his head. HA.

 

Good looks... he wasn't butt ugly but there are better looking guys out there. He had a nice body though, very muscular, 6 pack... nom nom

 

His car... was a rip-roaring piece of ****. It was nasty, he didn't take care of it, he stuffed trash down in the back, it still had "stains" in it from his last gf's juices... it was disgusting.

 

A house... he lived with his parents when we met, he got his own apartment in the town I lived in before we moved where I am now and moved in together.

 

Security... Lord Almighty that boy was insecure. I guess it went along with his emotional/mental issues and his ****ed up family.

 

His good attitude...He was an ******* sometimes plain and simple, mostly to other people, but sometimes to me. I should have guessed that whatever ******* behaviour he showed to others would someday be used against me, but I thought I would be different. I guess I was naive.

 

His college degree... Oh he was more intelligent that I am, but he had no focus in life, and failed out of three colleges before just giving up... and changed his major about 7 times a semester. Seriously. I tried to be the support behind his passion, his writing... and he did very well with me behind him. Now that we're divorced, his writing has gone to **** as his website reflects... he's given it up since his fans are pretty much wondering WTH happened to his style, prose, etc. He called me his muse... and when he left I asked him what he was going to do writing wise... he'd lost his beta, his support, and his "muse". Oh well... not my problem. It kind of hurts to see that happen because he COULD have been great and I don't lie about that. He's a brilliant writer.

 

So was marrying for love and the reasons I married exH for the wrong ones? Was I missing out on the biggest things? Sometimes I think I ****ed up royally putting my trust in someone who was deficient in so many ways... I guess love is blind and sex will make you overlook things that maybe are a problem...

 

I did learn that if a man doesn't have his **** together... a steady job, car, and place of his own (not couch surfing or living with his parents) by the time he's in his 20s (barring some sort of strange family situation like taking care of a sick parent or other tragedy) then chances are he's not going to get his **** together... ever. Some focus in life too... preferably a college degree since I also have one.

 

I feel kind of better having typed this out. And kind of stupid. Looking back on it marrying for love was a sort of... bad... idea. Should I make sure what should be in place is in place and hope love comes along later the next time? Would that euphoric and fading love even matter if its not there? Would the love built from time spent with them, experiences shared, and trust built with them make up for the lack of "butterfly in the stomach, dreamy, OMG I am so in love" kind of love?

 

I guess if the euphoric love fades then its not worth having anyway. A compatible, steady, and low key love are better than the fireworks sort. Its cheaper and more practical to keep putting logs on a fireplace than to have a 24/7 fireworks show.

 

Sometimes I just think my give a damn's busted... for lack of a better word. Its getting difficult for me to not want to go find some guy... get him to "fall in love" with me, then tear his heart to shreds, stomp on the pieces, spit on them, and leave him to rebuild... like was done to me... just to know that I have that power over someone because it's been done to me. I guess playing games is a kind of passive-aggressive way of doing that... and I've been up to that some lately.

 

I pray a lot about this, I feel terrible... its like that kind of empathy in me is gone... I'm pretty sure I know that's the deep down spot that broke and I'd like it back please. I pray that it's just the last rung in the ladder and it's just gonna take longer to repair... I really do

[BlindRage]

Hi DDG,

 

I'm glad to see you are doing better.

 

I can definitely agree with you when you say something inside you dies when you experience a trauma like this. Take it for what it is though, a defense mechanism. Nothing more, nothing less. Keep working towards better YOU. This life is yours and do what ever you feel is the best for you. Make yourself happy, you've earned that.

 

People come and go in life. There is no keeping one around. They leave as they feel is suited for them. Just appreciate the times you have when you are near someone that is "great". You don't have to love them or even be with them, just enjoy the conversation. They aren't gong to be forever there so take it one day at a time.

 

 

 

Best wishes to you. I hope you're doing better when it comes to your old car.

[Duckduckgoose]

Hi DDG,

Best wishes to you. I hope you're doing better when it comes to your old car

 

I'm not... in fact I showed the car to some people today who are VERY VERY interested in it and before and after I was just very broody and kind of depressed. Chocolate didn't even help.

 

I biked with MBG some, and I didn't really want to talk to him I just kind of stayed quiet. I left early so I could show the car... I kind of wanted to hug him... it wasn't his fault that I was in the mood I was in.

 

I guess I need to get rid of the car and not drag this out much longer as its really affecting me badly.

 

I should be happy cause I got a new car, MBG got a new car... it's my favorite season...

[Duckduckgoose]

Well... the car... and I think the crush I have on MBG is tearing me up from the inside out.

 

How the hell am I supposed to let him know I'm interested without initiating "the talk"?

Edited September 19, 2011 by Duckduckgoose
I forgetted something :P