Duckduckgoose's Coping Thread.

[Duckduckgoose]

I sold my old car today. They are coming to get it tomorrow.

 

I just been staring at it and crying.

[Duckduckgoose]

Car is gone... I didn't cry today... I just feel like I hit the wall or something. Physically okay but mentally drained.

[Floridaman]

First off, let me say I've enjoyed keeping up with your life, DDG.

Haven't always read every post when they posted, but will eventually catch-up and read them.

 

Want to offer some thoughts on this area you expressed concern about MBG.

If MBG has a compulsive lying habit or a porn problem I will definitely NOT get into a relationship with him. Its going to suck to cut things off with him but I will do just that. I haven't felt compelled to discuss any of these things with him because of the fact that we are NOT in a relationship.

Can understand that.

A guy who prefers to get his release through images on a screen and ignore a living and breathing woman who offers her loving body to him... there's something wrong with that picture.

Some of us married partners who aren't so "willing..." and our needs go unfilfilled.... for weeks....

Something on his laptop screen: He brought out his laptop to show me something on Sunday, and the screen had SOMETHING on it... like splattered stuff.

I asked him to please get his Ipad to show me whatever it was cause I was not TOUCHING that laptop... later that night he found a single sock in his car... yeah... he said the sock was clean, but I was thinking where was the match?

The reason these bother me is cause my exH had a porn problem. Socks were his cum-catcher of choice so seeing ONE sock flips me out some. And the splattered dried stuff on that screen... ugh. I guess he couldn't find his sock in time...

Even if the screen stuff was porn, please don't let it rattle you.

Now, some women who've seen my posts know I'm a recovering porn user, mostly free of it since Oct. 2010.

 

Let me be clear: I would never encourage someone to view porn.

 

However, I can understand a single guy (ocaisionally) looking at it to get some release.

 

He may have been unlucky with women (like I was in my 20s) and here he sees others engaging in sex and relationships (of which he may have neither)... and sees how women are "so easy" in the media and sees all ths sex.

 

I know you had a good amount of sex, but he may not have, so try to understand it from the guy's perspective. As long as it's not taking over his life and he's doing it every moment...

 

Can't remember all you've told us about MBG (sounds like you are dating. Otherwise, why would you be in his car?), but it sounds like he's kind of shy and hasn't dated a lot, as you posted.

 

Shyness/lack of relationship experience: This irritates me to no end. He's a friendly guy towards me, but it's pretty obvious he's got little/no relationship experience.

 

For all you know, he may be a virgin.

You can discuss your sexual pasts later, when you become emotionally closer (I know you don't plan to hop into bed with him early).

 

And feel free to ask him about his porn use, as it clearly bothers you.

Bring it up in a gentle way, don't confront him (you have no right at ths stage to confront him -- you're not his girl yet).

Just explain your EX's porno problem and how you don't want to live with a guy who abuses porn...

 

This is one of your boundaries. Need to get this straight now.

Something on his laptop screen: He brought out his laptop to show me something on Sunday, and the screen had SOMETHING on it... like splattered stuff.

 

To shoot onto a laptop screen? Or in a sock? Have done neither.

That could mess your keyboard.

 

Am not supporting porn, as I think guys can get release without it and use their imaginations and fantasize, as I now do (mostly about my wife and things she would say to me in our intimate moments), but don't come down too hard on him.

 

I do MB frequently, but don't do it to porn.

 

So while MBG has traits that my exH lacked, he lacks what the exH had... some things overlap...

No two guys, like no two women, are alike.

Edited September 23, 2011 by Floridaman

[Duckduckgoose]

He wasn't showing me porn on his computer, he was showing me a map or something. Its just that the screen had something splattered on it. I paid more attention to screens on his "toys" in general... and they all have something splattered on them. I seriously doubt now he's been jerking off to his GPS in his car. He most likely doesn't believe in cleaning screens often if ever...

 

As to the lying thing, I've put him in situations where his first reaction would be the truth, then a lie. And he did it a few times. I realized he does the white lying thing to save face. Every time he did it, I called him on it. Methinks he either decided he needs to stop lying or be a better liar.

 

I would bet my savings account that he's a virgin.

 

I just realized I'm really sleepy. Gonna have to finish this thought tomorrow.

 

He gets to meet my parents tomorrow. Part of me thinks the ****'s gonna hit the fan hard. My mom is still stuck on my exH leaving. I don't talk about MBG much if at all to them... another part of me thinks its WAAAAAAYYYY too early for him to see my parents. Nevermind that his mom already came up to me, and when I see his dad he (the dad) just watches me.

[BlindRage]

He wasn't showing me porn on his computer, he was showing me a map or something. Its just that the screen had something splattered on it. I paid more attention to screens on his "toys" in general... and they all have something splattered on them. I seriously doubt now he's been jerking off to his GPS in his car. He most likely doesn't believe in cleaning screens often if ever...

 

As to the lying thing, I've put him in situations where his first reaction would be the truth, then a lie. And he did it a few times. I realized he does the white lying thing to save face. Every time he did it, I called him on it. Methinks he either decided he needs to stop lying or be a better liar.

 

I would bet my savings account that he's a virgin.

 

I just realized I'm really sleepy. Gonna have to finish this thought tomorrow.

 

He gets to meet my parents tomorrow. Part of me thinks the ****'s gonna hit the fan hard. My mom is still stuck on my exH leaving. I don't talk about MBG much if at all to them... another part of me thinks its WAAAAAAYYYY too early for him to see my parents. Nevermind that his mom already came up to me, and when I see his dad he (the dad) just watches me.

 

 

 

WHAT!?!? Hahaha. Thats hilarious!

[Floridaman]

 

Even if the screen stuff was porn, please don't let it rattle you..

 

 

He wasn't showing me porn on his computer, he was showing me a map or something.

Its just that the screen had something splattered on it.

 

I paid more attention to screens on his "toys" in general... and they all have something splattered on them. I seriously doubt now he's been jerking off to his GPS in his car. He most likely doesn't believe in cleaning screens often if ever...

Didn't imply he was SHOWING PORN to you...

Took it from your post that you thought he jerked off to porn and shot his ejaculate all over the screen (gross - was he like an inch from the screen???).

 

I would bet my savings account that he's a virgin.

He likely is, as unbelievable as that may be to you, Duck.

Not sure if you told us how old he is, but am suspecting he's in his 20s.

 

Not all of us in our 20s got our way with women. Not even close.

 

Wasn't a virgin, but lived like one (due to religious beliefs and lack of opportunity). As I posted, had sex 3X in HS -- a big regret -- and ALL OF 2X 19-30, so I know where he's coming from.

He sounds shy and despite his earlier cockiness with you, may lack some confidence or didn't do well with women, like me.

 

He gets to meet my parents tomorrow. Part of me thinks the ****'s gonna hit the fan hard. My mom is still stuck on my exH leaving. I don't talk about MBG much if at all to them... another part of me thinks its WAAAAAAYYYY too early for him to see my parents. Nevermind that his mom already came up to me, and when I see his dad he (the dad) just watches me.

You posted how you two "aren't in a relationship," yet this makes it sound like you ARE dating.

Good for you.

 

And good for you, as a woman out of a emotionally traumatic divorce, to take it slow with him.

Maybe he's good for you on that end.

That is, he may not be like other guys, the "players" who nail anything with legs and don't care about the consequences and the toll they take on women, leaving women dissolusioned with men and hesitant to go out with us other "Good Guys" who couldn't seem to get second and third dates.

 

As you likely sense, I have little respect for such skirt chasers....

 

And for others not reading my other posts and interactions with Duck, I wasn't some horrible-looking monster or freak of nature.

I didn't stalk nor creep-out women....

Posted my pics earlier. Am told even in my 40s I'm a good-looking guy....

Why women were blind to what they could have had with me, will never know....

 

Am sure there was some "plan" for my life...

In my mid-late 20s, thought God had forgotten me..

Treated women well, didn't press them for sex, yet look what happened...

Never got much sex, nor much love either. Thought the former would come with the latter, just took a lot longer than I wanted.

Didn't meet my lifemate until I was 30....

 

So maybe that "plan" was to give that woman joy in life, as she was in her mid-30s and wasn't so great at dating either....

[Floridaman]

Here are some of my views on porn, for the record:

 

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=170081&p=4803619&viewfull=1#post4803619

 

 

EXCERPTED FROM THE THREAD....

05-09-2011 12:11 AM

 

Originally Posted by friendsoulmate

When I was your age, I was interested in love, sex, hugging and kissing.

Sometimes, when I was at a magazine rack, I would sneak a peek at a penthouse

magazine. I never bought one.

..........

I was taught to feel guilty, after looking at porn. I did feel guilty and

tried not to make a habit of looking at it.

That's natural, FriendSoulMate, to have such interest - at any age.

 

Porn isn't natural. Good thing you didn't get hooked on it. Admit I bought a couple of mags. in the 80s. Or looked at women in bras in catalogs. (Did a lot of that).

 

EDITED IN: I still search the catalogs we get in the mail, and look for bra pics. I dream of what's under the lingerie. Sorry. Can't help it. But feel that's better than hardcore sex pics.

 

Speaking as a former and now recovering porn user (who got into it with the internet), I wouldn't recommend anyone look at too much porn. It is addicting. I found myself viewing and MB'ing to it up to 3X a day on several occaisions.

 

Yeah, I know guys will always view it. I only know it messes guys' minds up and portrays unrealistic images of women, as women don't act in real life like they do in the porn vids.

BTW- I only looked at the straight, regular sex stuff (foreplay, etc.), not the weird stuff (threesomes, bondage, incest - yes, I saw the diff. categories).

 

You didn't mention masturbation, but please use that as a release outlet over porn.

Like a lot of other guys, I use to use both.

 

Though I deleted all the images and vids from my HD, I tried to do a quick web search the other night for some images I could MB to. Just a seductive pic of a woman in a bikini, or topless (no hardcore porn).

Gave up bec. I realized I was getting aroused without even finding such a pic.

And no, I don't think looking at attractive women in bikinis is a sin or anything...

 

..............there is nothing to feel guilty about MB'ing. It's a natural release for men and women. I used to feel guilty about it in my 20s.

Now I find myself lusting towards my wife -- instead of the women in the porn vids I used to watch -- when I pleasure myself.

Edited September 24, 2011 by Floridaman

[Duckduckgoose]

Well things went well with him meeting my parents. MBG kept his own ass covered, but realized pretty quickly he didn't need to.

 

Yes, we are "dating" but not in a relationship. But even that line is getting blurry now. MBG is happy as a pig in slop right now.

 

Maybe it's just the weather, cause it's got me buzzing too. This is definitely my favorite season.

 

Sometimes I wonder if he's gonna drop the good attitude act and start acting like the dick that I'm used to with most other guys. My gut feeling tells me he's not going to because he's not like that...

 

My gut feeling also tells me he's a really good guy... and I've NEVER EVER EVER got that gut feeling from any guy I've dated... seriously.

 

I also realize I keep throwing around "not in a relationship" like it's some sort of shield to protect me from getting hurt ever again.

 

Floridaman, I really enjoy reading all your comments. I'm glad you keep up with this when you can Sorry if I don't address all your points, most of which are very valid... I tend to type these later at night when things have quieted down and I can think a little. But by that time I'm also very sleepy.

 

MBG being relationally inexperienced is good in its own ways... it means that while I am going to have to take the lead in... some things... I also have plenty of time to work things out in my head. Divorce really loosens too many screws in your head, and messes you up in ways you can't comprehend. Even for a short marriage that I had compared with some of the LONG marriages and really tough situations I've heard and read(on this board) I am very unhitched in a lot of ways that I wasn't before.

 

I'm actually thinking of not enrolling in class next semester and going back to a counsellor with some of my "emotional" issues from divorce. Those weren't really addressed with my counselling earlier this year, mostly cause I was there for different reasons; namely anger issues. She was a fantastic counsellor. She was married though, and had been for a long time. She didn't understand divorce like a divorced person would.

 

I'm having a really hard time not seeing most men as dogs, or a lot of more attractive, younger guys as "meat". I don't want the disregard I currently have for most of their feelings to make me a bitter person or to start to objectify men in order to prevent getting feelings or attached to them.

 

I have started mentally telling myself "Not meat not meat" when I go to class and see the nice looking college guys in the hallways.

 

Yeah... way too sleepy again I will try more tomorrow.

[Duckduckgoose]

Well I just rejected a guy I met a few months ago at a re-enactment.

 

He lives too far away, and really while I think he's much cuter and in some ways more interesting than MBG... I told him that MBG and I were dating.

 

I feel like a swallowed a rock, and then someone tied a knot in my stomach

 

I had been weighing dating him in my head for a while, but MBG has a lot of major advantages over this guy.

 

MBG: lives nearby, college degree, stable career, owns his own house, nice vehicle, a few years older than me, stable temperament, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink. Harder to get him to open up, not as attractive, higher energy levels to match my own. Awesome personality.

 

This guy: Lives pretty far away, no degree, awesome job that allows him to travel freely but not good paying and might not be stable, kind of lives with roommates, crap car, a couple years younger than me, smokes, and drinks, good personality and matching sense of humor but a bit less intelligent than the average bear, unknown energy levels. More in touch with emotions than MBG, opens up easier, and more physically attractive.

 

Still... the pros MBG had going for him far outweighed the pros of "this guy". Especially since smoking is a dealbreaker with me, but I didn't want to tell the guy that. Hell I felt guilty trying to juggle him and MBG the past few months, and I feel more guilty breaking it to guy... but I guess I don't want to lead him on

 

I'm leaning more towards wanting a relationship with MBG so I will be "off the market" so to speak and not have to deal with rejecting guys

[Duckduckgoose]

I had my birthday recently.

 

Around noon it hit me like a brick in the head that my exH knew it was my b-day and I wondered how he was handling it.

 

I guess I wanted him to email me or something, to maybe give me some closure on my birthday. It didn't happen, of course. I guess that was my birthday wish... to have heard from him... to know he's okay... to have gotten an apology for how he upended everything. I kind of wanted to hear "I'm sorry for what I did" from him.

 

But I guess not

 

Otherwise I had a dandy birthday, lots of Happy Birthdays, treated myself, got a few new things, etc.

 

I guess I was being delusional about wanting some closure that I pretty much wasn't going to get. Comes with dealing with emotions on the "anniversary/birthday" territory it seems.

[Duckduckgoose]

I am keeping my fingers crossed that this will be a good weekend. MBG seems about ready to make this thing "official".

 

If his plans for tomorrow go through, it would be ****ing awesome and I would write it in the history books as one to remember.

 

Its good because my sanity is near the breaking point. I really don't feel like I should be the one to initiate "the talk" but dropping hints like lead balloons wasn't helping... or maybe it was. I get the feeling a few third parties stepped in and talked with him. Hell one of them did it on my FB

 

After that happened its like another cog in his head shifted in the right direction...

[Duckduckgoose]

The.****.Has.Hit.The.Fan.With.MBG.

 

I felt like my feet were nailed to the floor when I got "that" text message... I stared at the ceiling and started praying silently... oh when you get what you ask for...

[Duckduckgoose]

Gonna have "that talk" with him tomorrow.

 

I been thinking of some things I want to ask him, that I didn't want to ask in a "just friends" capacity or a "not friends but not quite in a relationship" situation.

 

I am balls to the wall scared. And I don't have balls.

[Duckduckgoose]

Talk inconclusive.

 

He wants to "get to know me better".

 

He has ZERO relationship experience.

 

There is much more but I really need some sleep... that "talk" was mentally exhausting.

[Duckduckgoose]

I've been trying to dig up threads on the "dating" or "friends and lovers" section that has to do with dating people with no relationship experience whatsoever.

 

I guess now I'm gonna have to decide if it's worth teaching him EVERYTHING... EVERY ****ING THING... ALL OF IT... or if I should cut my losses right now.

 

I would get a willing to learn, blank slate to work with. He won't have any baggage or bad habits...

 

But that means he also wouldn't know how to do the most basic of things, like texting just to let me know he's thinking of me... and anything sexual would have to be initiated by ME... at first anyway...

 

Do I really want to deal with this much of a learning curve? Is he really worth it? Especially since he could freak out, decide he's better off single, and leave... after I put THAT MUCH EFFORT into it?

[Duckduckgoose]

Hmm... I asked my dad who said that it was probably a huge step for MBG to get this far with me, farther than he's ever gone before.

 

He also said I shouldn't hold the guy's past against him. I guess that's fair enough, but past behaviour is a good indicator of future behaviour, UNLESS the person had made a drastic change and is working dilligently on the turn around... like me.

[Duckduckgoose]

Eh... today has been a total crap day... one of those "coping" days I guess.

 

I am getting set up with a few Christian dating books so I can read them and not be totally in the dark about what's going on. Plus I have some Christian women I can talk to and ask questions to. They told me to let /him/ lead.

 

I dunno... maybe my patience just isn't there anymore. Maybe its one of the things I lost in divorce and it's not coming back. Who would you want to lead you to a place you've never been before? Someone who knows the way or someone who has no clue where it is?

 

But I also need to see 50/50 effort coming from him if this is gonna go anywhere. I am very much a fair person. I will be putting a lot of myself into this mess, and if there isn't reciprocation I'm gonna get disheartened quickly. I had to explain to him why I would pay for us eating out half the time. I wanted him to see I wasn't a bum and I wasn't after free food. He honestly seemed insulted. Last time I grabbed the tab he said "I really don't know why you insist on doing that".

 

He might have taken it the wrong way, but I feel like by me showing that I am willing to carry my weight that I am not a golddigger or some bitch just looking for a man to take care of her. I like to think of myself as better than that.

 

Well... today sucked... I am PMS and it was cloudy too which didn't make things better. Just all day I was thinking... he's gonna decide he's better off single, or just doesn't think we're gonna get along... blah blah... and that will be the end of that. If it happens I won't be his friend anymore. Gonna suck, but that's how it would have to be.

 

Its days like this I tend to think very negatively. He's a good guy... hell he probably got to thinking he can do better than me... I want him to know I'm a good person... I try to show him... I'm not perfect though...

 

I keep an upbeat attitude, I make him laugh, I take interest in what he tells me about things.

 

Well I was really down a few hours ago so I drove to a lake I used to frequently walk around... and just walked, prayed and thought. I am lonely ... and it's that kind of deep hurt you only get from being divorced I guess...

 

I dunno if maybe the holidays coming up is what is messed me up? I have plans for Turkey Day and Xmas already... it's not like I will be alone...

 

...Maybe it's just that I think I will be rejected by men the rest of my life just for being me... really negative thinking... I know. I'm not ugly, stupid, or uninteresting...it's just a really bad day...

[Duckduckgoose]

Yesterday not so bad.

 

Today, crap again.

[Floridaman]

Hmm... I asked my dad who said that it was probably a huge step for MBG to get this far with me, farther than he's ever gone before.

 

He also said I shouldn't hold the guy's past against him. I guess that's fair enough, but past behaviour is a good indicator of future behaviour, UNLESS the person had made a drastic change and is working dilligently on the turn around... like me.

 

Your dad's right.

Your guy's a "clean slate" and from what you've posted, so unlike other guys you've dated.

 

I'd recommend talking with him about why he hasn't gotten into relationships and what he wants in life. How he plans to handle himself in a relationship. His ideas of love, romance, marriage, sex.

 

A friend's son turned 30 a year ago and had maybe 1-2 sep. dates in his life until he met an older divorced woman with a child.

He doesn't have "relationship experience" either but they've been dating a year or so now and seem to be getting on well.

She, on the other hand, has been married several times.

 

Take this man as a challenge.

Yes, you may have to "teach" him some things but most guys are quick learners, or may not need much "instruction" on relationship issues, etc.

 

He may treat you better than others. That "not having any relationship experience" could be a plus here.

Many women fall for alcoholics, cheaters, abusers, guys that won't find employment, etc.

 

 

I like to believe I helped talk a woman on LS out of continuing to date a man she told me had a criminal past, served jail time, did drugs, etc.

We exchanged some PMs and I hope I helped convince her there are better men out there and not to get her life mixed up with one so troubled...

[Duckduckgoose]

Once again, solid advice from FloridaMan

 

Yeah, I would not date someone with alcoholism, cheating, drugs, or jail time in his past. I have a list of deal breakers on my fridge, and what I like/don't like in a man I would date. Its been there since January. As for job, well if a man doesn't have a job I won't date his ass, period. I prefer going 50/50, but I am not a sugarmomma. **** that

[Duckduckgoose]

Okay... so I have a bit of a hormone imbalance. I found out yesterday. I had some other issues going on too so I got checked.

 

I was wondering if the odd bouts of feeling depressed and anxious were just normal for me or normal after divorce. Well they are normal for a hormone imbalance. Got some medicine to try and see if it helps.

 

As far as coping, I feel like I'm close to done. I might post when the anniversary of when exH left comes up, during the holidays, or the anniversary of the divorce. Or maybe just one of those "its been X amount of time and look at me now" sort of deal.

 

I've been frequenting the "dating" forum a little more often since now I'm exploring that avenue in my life. Hopefully I won't have to "date" for too long before I find the RIGHT man this time

 

Thanks to all of ya'll that read this and responded. DDG will be okay

[Duckduckgoose]

I am really needing to vent, so I wrote a poem before I do anything stupider.

 

Once you've danced on the edge

And gotten cut when you fell

You can't drive fast enough

To see it in your rearview

Keep the music loud enough

So you won't hear yourself think

Every Shadow

Hides a Villain

Always ready to burn the forest

To get rid of one dead tree.

[Duckduckgoose]

Well here comes the first holiday season after divorce. Its also running up on the one year mark from when my exH left.

 

I've been in a ****ty mood lately. Been crying every night, depressed. I am trying to recognize it for what it is but sometimes that doesn't help.

 

Other things in my life seem to be going well though. Learning new stuff at work, etc.

 

There is a "Surviving the Holidays" special Divorce Care class coming up soon. I am going to attend and get some coping strategies.

 

This is rough

 

I honestly feel like crying right now but can't. Lunch break at work

[Duckduckgoose]

Its been a year and some since my divorce was final.

 

I cry once every couple weeks because I miss my marriage. Sometimes it really drags me down. I stay as busy as possible so I don't think about it much, or try not to. It still hurts badly. Divorce is not the cure all that people make it out to be.

 

A couple weeks ago, my exH showed up in a mutual friend's photo on my FB page... he was flipping the bird to the camera in one picture, and in another he was kissing a dude. He may have been drunk, who knows.

 

There are times I wonder if this divorce hurts him as much as it hurts me, and if he's lost his marbles trying to cope with it.

 

Eh. Just one of those down days I guess. I probably have some kind of depression. I wouldn't doubt it.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hey! Long time, no duck!

 

You've been through a lot Duck!

 

Cut yourself some slack. I've actually heard it takes men longer to recover from divorce but I'm not sure I believe that since on average they remarry within 2 (!) years (!)

 

Women in average remarry in 7.