Duckduckgoose's Coping Thread.

[Duckduckgoose]

No... I am not feeling disloyal to exH by hanging out with MBG we went hiking yesterday... had to take his vehicle cause mine can't go where we went my car raises too much suspicions.

 

And then some man started hitting on me when we were in his car. I think maybe it was a mistake to go hiking with him two weeks in a row but he texted me and offered both times.

 

What I mean by frog boiling in the pot is that I can tell he's slowly turning the heat up and I can't tell what to do. Part of me is like see where this goes other part is like RUN FROM RELATIONSHIPS FOREVERS!!!!

 

The biggest part of me wants to know what it's like to date someone with smarts, stability, and money.

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh come now.... We all want to see photos of you wearing that 3X maternity wedding dress....

[Duckduckgoose]

Oddly enough, I don't feel the least bit of love or loyalty for exH. I think I've gotten very close if not TO the point where I wish him well, but I don't want anything else to do with him. I hope he finds what he seeks in this life. I hope he figures out what it is that is ****ing with him so bad. He would be a good husband for someone, but he blew it to **** with me.

 

I was very loyal and faithful to him while we dated and were married, that is the person I am. I should be getting the D certificate in the mail any day now. Once I am in a committed relationship with someone not even the hottest man in the world would make me stray. Oh I will stare and pine like any hot blooded woman but I tend to use the lust I get from drooling over the hot man and take it out on the person I am in a relationship with.

 

Like I said earlier, the **** I been through since exH left has made me a different person, and this new DDG does not love the exH. I will always residually care for him... that will never go away... but there is no more love...

 

So now my is available for someone else more worthy. I keep toying with the idea of actively pursuing dates, but I just rather not. I pray that the Lord will help me go about 50/50 to find someone... as in the other person goes halfway. I want to know they consider it a partnership and not one person doing all the pursuing. Or one person doing all the work to maintain the relationship. I've had enough of that ****.

 

Maybe I will end up as a old crazy cat lady... minus the cats... just lots of birds haha. I was actually daydreaming a bit the other day that when I get a house or condo that it would have a sunroom for the birds... full of nice lush plants for them to enjoy too!

[Duckduckgoose]

Oh come now.... We all want to see photos of you wearing that 3X maternity wedding dress....

 

I know, and they took the link down for it too... I am so sad. I told my counselor about maternity wedding dresses and she looked at me like I fell out of a tree

 

Please believe the first doctor appointment I make when I get health insurance is for pap smear/STD test, and to get back on BC pills. Maybe the pills will calm my hormones down some.

 

Plus I don't think MBG is much into sex before marriage. Of course I dunno that for sure I never asked.

[dreamingoftigers]

Oddly enough, I don't feel the least bit of love or loyalty for exH. I think I've gotten very close if not TO the point where I wish him well, but I don't want anything else to do with him. I hope he finds what he seeks in this life. I hope he figures out what it is that is ****ing with him so bad. He would be a good husband for someone, but he blew it to **** with me.

 

Sure, if they have tentacles or whatever, and they like being randomly left.

 

I was very loyal and faithful to him while we dated and were married, that is the person I am. I should be getting the D certificate in the mail any day now. Once I am in a committed relationship with someone not even the hottest man in the world would make me stray. Oh I will stare and pine like any hot blooded woman but I tend to use the lust I get from drooling over the hot man and take it out on the person I am in a relationship with.

 

I am very similar, truth be told, I don't even notice other guys unless there is something very emotionally broken on the homefront. The second I notice another guy, I do sort of an "internal scan" to what is going on in my relationship that needs fixing. It has been a tough couple of years.

 

Like I said earlier, the **** I been through since exH left has made me a different person, and this new DDG does not love the exH. I will always residually care for him... that will never go away... but there is no more love...

 

Nice to be able to detach that way.

 

So now my is available for someone else more worthy. I keep toying with the idea of actively pursuing dates, but I just rather not. I pray that the Lord will help me go about 50/50 to find someone... as in the other person goes halfway. I want to know they consider it a partnership and not one person doing all the pursuing. Or one person doing all the work to maintain the relationship. I've had enough of that ****.

 

A little early still....

If the split happens with us, you can bet I will have 2 libraries of self-help books looking at optimizing a relationship and finding a healthy relationship. And being a healthy partner, and searching for a potential step-dad and and and and and......

By the time I get done reading at about age 82, I may just be ready for a coffee date.

 

Maybe I will end up as a old crazy cat lady... minus the cats... just lots of birds haha. I was actually daydreaming a bit the other day that when I get a house or condo that it would have a sunroom for the birds... full of nice lush plants for them to enjoy too!

 

Sounds nicer then the Crazy Self-Help Book Lady.

 

I know, and they took the link down for it too... I am so sad. I told my counselor about maternity wedding dresses and she looked at me like I fell out of a tree

 

:lmao:

 

Please believe the first doctor appointment I make when I get health insurance is for pap smear/STD test, and to get back on BC pills. Maybe the pills will calm my hormones down some.

 

I doubt it, losing a sexual partner (I find) tend to drive them through the roof for awhile.

 

Plus I don't think MBG is much into sex before marriage. Of course I dunno that for sure I never asked.

 

He's male. I would guess 98% probability.

[Duckduckgoose]

Not like I was getting much of anything from exH for months. I felt very oversexed because of that.

 

I got an iPod Touch today so I don't have to listen to people talk, belch, fart, cuss, etc when I am working.

 

I don't have an office like I used to. My computer is in a main room with several other computers and people.

 

Listening to music will also help me keep awake. The work there is MUCH easier than my last job... a LOT of people used to work at my last job, or at least know quite a bit about it. I don't want to post a lot, but the guy that is kind of supervising me keeps telling me "This is NOT (name of last company)".

 

And well so far its definitely not... the work is so much easier, the specs are less... cruel... the managers are not abusive. Honestly I am scared ****less that the other shoe is gonna drop with this place and its going to be as horrible as my last job. The **** I endured at the last place was so bad, that the day I lost my job I was torn between being upset and ecstatic.

[Duckduckgoose]

If I got EMDR for anything it would be the trauma from my previous job. I loved the job, but I wouldn't work there again for 4x the money even though my old manager is gone now.

[dreamingoftigers]

I got an iPod Touch today so I don't have to listen to people talk, belch, fart, cuss, etc when I am working.

 

Ah, the soundtrack of the office....

 

The **** I endured at the last place was so bad, that the day I lost my job I was torn between being upset and ecstatic.

 

I've had jobs like that and relationships like that too.

 

If I got EMDR for anything it would be the trauma from my previous job. I loved the job, but I wouldn't work there again for 4x the money even though my old manager is gone now.

 

Not to digress and plug but EMDR is good for that too.

[Duckduckgoose]

I like this iPod Touch. I still need to learn how to use it fully.

[dreamingoftigers]

I can tell that you are gonna start a "happy thread" soon....:bunny::bunny:

[Butterfly5525]

Congrats on the new job DuckDuckGoose! Also, I hope you have fun with your new iPod Touch!

[Duckduckgoose]

Nah, but I was pretty hyped today for some reason. I think because I could listen to radio at my job.

 

I also have like 2 counselling sessions left before I'm done. That's ****ing awesome!

[Duckduckgoose]

And like 3 more divorce care chapters...

 

So, looks like all my junk's getting wrapped up.

 

So where is this new boyfriend supposed to be? I've got all the other stuffs down, here hottie hottie!

[dreamingoftigers]

I think he's waiting patiently.

 

Maybe you should let his Mom know you are almost all-clear.

[Duckduckgoose]

LOL

 

I think all his other siblings are already married but for him. His mom is probably ready to get rid of him haha.

 

Like... oh looky a girly for my little boy I better dress him up and tell him to play nice. Here's a nice car and house honey bunny go find you a decent woman

 

If only it was that easy haha.

 

Medieval re-enactment demo tomorrow morning. First week at work wasn't too bad, I think my immediate supervisor is ****ing with me some, he told me something that I did the calculations for and it's just not possible. I then checked the diagrams and I really think he's lying... or he's telling the truth but omitting something.

 

Its a public demo at a popular park on a Saturday, please believe I will be looking SHARP in my best garb

[Duckduckgoose]

I just want to say this cause I'm a good mood and on a rollercoaster high despite being on the rag when I would normally bottom out:

 

THANK YOU ******* EX HUSBAND FOR LEAVING ME

 

THANK YOU FOR LEAVING THIS CITY

 

THANK YOU FOR THE DIVORCE

 

YOU DIDN'T DESERVE A WOMAN LIKE ME

 

THANK YOU FOR LEAVING ME THESE MOUNTAINS TO BIKE AND HIKE ON WITHOUT HAVING TO POSSIBLE RUN INTO YOU

 

THANK YOU FOR LEAVING ME IN A CITY FULL OF RICH SINGLE MEN THAT WOULD LOVE TO BE WITH SOMEONE LIKE ME

 

I HOPE YOUR HAND KEEPS YOU COMPANY BECAUSE NO WOMAN OF WORTH WILL DEAL WITH YOUR DEPRESSION AND PORN ADDICTION OR YOUR ****ED UP FETISHES.

 

That is all.

[Duckduckgoose]

I been thinking some, I kind of bottomed out at the demo today I had a feeling the rollercoaster would throw me I was riding a high for too long.

 

One of the big things I think was lacking in my marriage was respect. From the start I didn't have a whole lot of respect for my exH. He pretty much had to chase me down and wear me out before I would date him. We had mutual friends hook us up... so I already knew quite a bit about him... and I didn't respect his past, his personality, his habits, or his quirks.

 

The day we started dating, I told him I didn't have high hopes for the relationship. I guess he was out to prove me wrong. Its less than a week till the day that we would have been together 5 years.

 

But that's not what got me thinking about it. What got me started is seeing all the couples at the park that the demo was at, and all the couples at the park... the medieval couples. It was hard. My mind kept dragging me through the whys of it all. Why did he leave. I already know the answers but damn just when I think I'm finished beating the **** out of myself there it goes again.

 

One of the marshals who is a very outgoing fellow, gets along well with everyone, went through the same thing I am going through. His exW left him under weird circumstances and it tore him up. He remarried a good lady and his exW went on to bomb a couple other marriages. When I look at him I think who the hell would leave him he's such a great person! He told me that he knew he wasn't the perfect husband to her but that it didn't warrant her leaving like she did, she really dicked him... he was about the same age as me when it happened.

 

Its heartening to know that even though he got mushed flat by the bitch that he made out better in the end while she pulls her same ****ed up tricks on others.

 

Another one of the fighters was a chick I rarely see. She was with a cute guy... I asked about her and her bf, and was told that was her "flavor of the week". It got me kind of bent inside that this chick who's not particularly good looking (if she was I would admit it) could just pick up and discard these guys. It makes an otherwise good guy bitter and cynical so when he does meet a good female he's too burnt to realize it. I am kind of hoping she gets chewed up, spit out, stomped on, steamrolled, and dragged through hell. It will help her to realize you gotta respect relationships because to not do so is gonna seriously **** you up. I think I also made a comment that when she was through with that one to please recycle him my way

 

I got the iPod Touch also because when the people would talk at work a lot of time it was about their relationships, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc. It was hurting me a lot to hear it all. Being stuck alone with my thoughts was really getting me tied up in knots. The music at least drowns out what I am thinking. Not that what I was thinking went away... it just waited till things quieted down to start up again.

 

I got myself worked up into a good knot today and have a tension headache right now because of it. It seems like the only cure for this mess is to get into another relationship. Going out in public, talking with people, socializing... yeah its nice and happy and all but it's the intimacy I am missing the most. Not having that person to come home to, talk to, to think about, to love and care about.

 

I can't think of what else can possibly replace that... they say to have love and lost is better than never to have loved at all. BULL****.

 

Its times like this I miss my exH the most not because it's HIM I am missing but it's because he was that person I loved and did all these things with. Its going to be really ****ing hard to start over.

 

I don't want this to cause me to make bad relationship decisions but when you're starving everything looks like food.

[Duckduckgoose]

I am going to expand on the lack of respect in my marriage. It wasn't just on my end it was also on his end.

 

I am going to list how it was on my end so that way I can avoid doing these things in the future. First off, I didn't respect his past one bit. His dating history wasn't only poor, it was just bad. He dated a freaky girl, and right before me he was with a real slut. He only had sex with the slut. I didn't respect that because it's like he had no standards... he even told me that he was happy that a woman would even give him the time of day, and that when he dated the slut he hadn't dated a woman in 3 or 4 years so he was really hurting. I didn't respect that he wasn't willing to wait to find someone decent and he would stoop to being with a whore. A broke ass whore nonetheless but I won't go there.

 

Secondly, the way in which he pursued me. I wasn't having it. I was out of a relationship which I was cheated on/left for someone I hated. I still had to work with both people which made me sick. Making matters worse, he engaged her and they moved in together a couple months after he left me. They ended up splitting but not till after I was long gone from the state and with my exH. ExH pursued me relentlessly. I was actually talking to someone I had college classes with, he was stable, smart, drove a nice car... but he did have a history of severe mental illness and was on some heavy meds. He took them faithfully and was a good guy but all my friends warned me off of him. When exH came down for visits (he 100 miles away at the time) everyone was telling me how perfect we'd be for each other. They were telling both of us that before, but my reason for not wanting to date him was that he was a virgin (I wasn't), and that he had been with a slut. When I first met him he was rude, crude, disgusting... I could go on but again I won't.

 

He was shy, he was cute, but more than usually lacking in common sense. I was honestly more in to dating the guy from my college class... but exH sent me flowers for V-day and got me Nutella... he was doing all the right things...he really liked me and wanted to date me. I tried so many ways of trying to ward him off because I didn't want to date him but he kept on like a lovesick puppy. Finally I agree to go on a date with him. The date went okay, then a couple days later I was at work and he was on his way back to his town. He texted me and told me to be outside at 6pm that he had turned his truck around and was coming back with all speed that he had to ask me something he couldn't do over text.

 

So he showed up while I was on break and he asked me to be his gf right there. I told him I didn't have high hopes for the relationship and that I didn't really want to date him (I liked GIS guy more), but that I would give him a chance since I was getting sick of his persistence. I was also still feeling pretty burned from my last ex-bf cheating on me.

 

Dating him at times was like having to care for a child, I won't lie. He suffered from an EXTREME lack of common sense. Its something I won't miss about him at all.

 

But basically from the beginning he didn't respect my boundaries, I was consistently giving him "no" and telling him I didn't have high hopes for the relationship. But he kept pursuing and I gave in out of exhaustion, and partly because I figured he might stick around if he was that interested in the chase... wrong but I figured that out about males a little later. They like the chase... and exH did most of all.

 

I didn't respect him because for that while he followed me like a lost ass puppy, his self-esteem was so low that he would stoop to dating a gold-digging whore who was out to find a man to support her and raise her kid (exH wasn't that person lol). I knew I was a better breed of person than that. But since he was throwing himself at me, combined with his lack of self worth, and my strong-willed sometimes heavy handed tendencies I knew I could get away with a lot sometimes at his expense.

 

I didn't abuse him, I tried to build him up a lot & encourage him. But he had a non-confrontational nature and it was pretty easy to get my way with him. I need someone who will put their foot down with me, which he didn't do. We had no boundaries... and those didn't start to get established till much later but by then it was too late.

 

Even when the boundaries were established I didn't respect his and he did not respect mine... golden rule I guess. When he would make a boundary I knew that I could pretty easily still get my way, and usually did. Absolute lack of respect for him on my part.

 

So our marriage was in trouble from the start. Its not because I didn't love him or respect him. We did not have a good foundation of MUTUAL respect that both of us would follow. Communication was another big issue but I imagine that even if he was inclined to communicate he gave up because I wouldn't respect him anyway.

 

So as hard as this lesson may be, I am definitely going to do my damnedest to respect the next person I date BEFORE I date them. If you don't respect them, no amount of communication or setting boundaries is going to fix anything... you will just do what you want and **** what they say, think, or feel about it.

 

My bad? Yes. Learning experience? Yes. Tough **** better luck next time DDG? Unfortunately yes.

[Duckduckgoose]

What I am thinking is the next person I marry is going to have to have a firm set of boundaries already in place that I can't find my way around... so in that respect he's going to have to be far more clever than I am at defending them.

 

But when they tell me "No" they are going to have be rational and logical about it. When exH would tell me "no" the reasoning made no sense. And illogical reasoning combined with lack of respect didn't help his case... it confused me more than anything. I would get what I wanted and he would be left feeling... hell I don't know he wouldn't tell me anything

 

At the same time they are going to have to deal with a pretty free-spirited and strong-willed woman. If they get too authoritarian with me I will just split.

[Duckduckgoose]

I am going to make a list of my good and bad characteristics soon. I feel like I should so when I am looking for a potential bf I can let him know UPFRONT what he can expect from me.

 

Ain't gonna be any surprises from me, imma put my cards on the table and if he doesn't like the hand I'm playing he needs to get the **** out my game.

[dreamingoftigers]

I been reading ya, just needed a little more time for a long post, but it looks like I better catch up or it'll be a novel.

 

Its a public demo at a popular park on a Saturday, please believe I will be looking SHARP in my best garb

Just keep on getting out there

 

I just want to say this cause I'm a good mood and on a rollercoaster high despite being on the rag when I would normally bottom out:

 

THANK YOU ******* EX HUSBAND FOR LEAVING ME

 

THANK YOU FOR LEAVING THIS CITY

 

THANK YOU FOR THE DIVORCE

 

YOU DIDN'T DESERVE A WOMAN LIKE ME

 

THANK YOU FOR LEAVING ME THESE MOUNTAINS TO BIKE AND HIKE ON WITHOUT HAVING TO POSSIBLE RUN INTO YOU

 

THANK YOU FOR LEAVING ME IN A CITY FULL OF RICH SINGLE MEN THAT WOULD LOVE TO BE WITH SOMEONE LIKE ME

 

I HOPE YOUR HAND KEEPS YOU COMPANY BECAUSE NO WOMAN OF WORTH WILL DEAL WITH YOUR DEPRESSION AND PORN ADDICTION OR YOUR ****ED UP FETISHES.

 

That is all.

 

Love the list, and I knew that I was posting here too often because we "synced up" :lmao:

 

 

One of the big things I think was lacking in my marriage was respect. From the start I didn't have a whole lot of respect for my exH. He pretty much had to chase me down and wear me out before I would date him. We had mutual friends hook us up... so I already knew quite a bit about him... and I didn't respect his past, his personality, his habits, or his quirks.

 

The day we started dating, I told him I didn't have high hopes for the relationship. I guess he was out to prove me wrong. Its less than a week till the day that we would have been together 5 years.

 

(This closely resembles my early relationship with my H)

 

But that's not what got me thinking about it. What got me started is seeing all the couples at the park that the demo was at, and all the couples at the park... the medieval couples. It was hard. My mind kept dragging me through the whys of it all. Why did he leave. I already know the answers but damn just when I think I'm finished beating the **** out of myself there it goes again.

 

(Seeing couples about is very brutal for me as well, esp because of my H's addiction, I often look at the girl and wonder, "should she expect disloyalty from him? Is he one of those?" )Often I feel like I would give anything to hold hands with someone like that again and feel innocently connected and in love, that innocence is gone forever.

 

One of the marshals who is a very outgoing fellow, gets along well with everyone, went through the same thing I am going through. His exW left him under weird circumstances and it tore him up. He remarried a good lady and his exW went on to bomb a couple other marriages. When I look at him I think who the hell would leave him he's such a great person! He told me that he knew he wasn't the perfect husband to her but that it didn't warrant her leaving like she did, she really dicked him... he was about the same age as me when it happened.

 

Its heartening to know that even though he got mushed flat by the bitch that he made out better in the end while she pulls her same ****ed up tricks on others.

 

In a way it is good to feel that vindication like: it wasn't me, that person really is screwed up! I hate that though when good people get burned because then they have a hard time finding each other.

 

Another one of the fighters was a chick I rarely see. She was with a cute guy... I asked about her and her bf, and was told that was her "flavor of the week". It got me kind of bent inside that this chick who's not particularly good looking (if she was I would admit it) could just pick up and discard these guys. It makes an otherwise good guy bitter and cynical so when he does meet a good female he's too burnt to realize it. I am kind of hoping she gets chewed up, spit out, stomped on, steamrolled, and dragged through hell. It will help her to realize you gotta respect relationships because to not do so is gonna seriously **** you up. I think I also made a comment that when she was through with that one to please recycle him my way

 

I hate that too and then you get the guys like on here who got shot down so bad by people so callous! Then it is like we have to answer for the morons in our gender.

 

I got the iPod Touch also because when the people would talk at work a lot of time it was about their relationships, husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc. It was hurting me a lot to hear it all. Being stuck alone with my thoughts was really getting me tied up in knots. The music at least drowns out what I am thinking. Not that what I was thinking went away... it just waited till things quieted down to start up again.

 

I totally empathize, I go to the Mormon church and I get invited to activities, I am the only single person there for most family group activities. Awkward. And... since I have been on the other side of that, I know that there is this kind of ....pity. It irks me.

 

I got myself worked up into a good knot today and have a tension headache right now because of it. It seems like the only cure for this mess is to get into another relationship. Going out in public, talking with people, socializing... yeah its nice and happy and all but it's the intimacy I am missing the most. Not having that person to come home to, talk to, to think about, to love and care about.

 

(That's the hardest part for me too, wanting to share stuff and talk about it, there's no one here. I have a little list of people that I phone, and the more you get out it helps. I wouldn't get into another R for at least a year. But I suspect that will be tough.)

 

I can't think of what else can possibly replace that... they say to have love and lost is better than never to have loved at all. BULL****.

 

I KNOW, WELL, A FRIGGING GUY WROTE THAT!

 

Its times like this I miss my exH the most not because it's HIM I am missing but it's because he was that person I loved and did all these things with. Its going to be really ****ing hard to start over.

 

Ditto.

 

I don't want this to cause me to make bad relationship decisions but when you're starving everything looks like food.

 

As well though you must have some trepidation, right? I mean dating looks nice from afar, but it is also really stressful, I can't imagine taking it on for a long while if our split happens. I have actually been so relieved lately that I am not entirely sure that I would want a relationship again, despite the periods of lonliness etc.

 

I am going to expand on the lack of respect in my marriage. It wasn't just on my end it was also on his end.

 

I am going to list how it was on my end so that way I can avoid doing these things in the future. First off, I didn't respect his past one bit. His dating history wasn't only poor, it was just bad. He dated a freaky girl, and right before me he was with a real slut. He only had sex with the slut. I didn't respect that because it's like he had no standards... he even told me that he was happy that a woman would even give him the time of day, and that when he dated the slut he hadn't dated a woman in 3 or 4 years so he was really hurting. I didn't respect that he wasn't willing to wait to find someone decent and he would stoop to being with a whore. A broke ass whore nonetheless but I won't go there.

 

Secondly, the way in which he pursued me. I wasn't having it. I was out of a relationship which I was cheated on/left for someone I hated. I still had to work with both people which made me sick. Making matters worse, he engaged her and they moved in together a couple months after he left me. They ended up splitting but not till after I was long gone from the state and with my exH. ExH pursued me relentlessly. I was actually talking to someone I had college classes with, he was stable, smart, drove a nice car... but he did have a history of severe mental illness and was on some heavy meds. He took them faithfully and was a good guy but all my friends warned me off of him. When exH came down for visits (he 100 miles away at the time) everyone was telling me how perfect we'd be for each other. They were telling both of us that before, but my reason for not wanting to date him was that he was a virgin (I wasn't), and that he had been with a slut. When I first met him he was rude, crude, disgusting... I could go on but again I won't.

 

He was shy, he was cute, but more than usually lacking in common sense. I was honestly more in to dating the guy from my college class... but exH sent me flowers for V-day and got me Nutella... he was doing all the right things...he really liked me and wanted to date me. I tried so many ways of trying to ward him off because I didn't want to date him but he kept on like a lovesick puppy. Finally I agree to go on a date with him. The date went okay, then a couple days later I was at work and he was on his way back to his town. He texted me and told me to be outside at 6pm that he had turned his truck around and was coming back with all speed that he had to ask me something he couldn't do over text.

 

So he showed up while I was on break and he asked me to be his gf right there. I told him I didn't have high hopes for the relationship and that I didn't really want to date him (I liked GIS guy more), but that I would give him a chance since I was getting sick of his persistence. I was also still feeling pretty burned from my last ex-bf cheating on me.

 

(I was 6 weeks out of a broken engagement when I met my H, he would sit and listen to me cry)

 

Dating him at times was like having to care for a child, I won't lie. He suffered from an EXTREME lack of common sense. Its something I won't miss about him at all.

 

(My H still has very odd ideas about the world/life from being raised in a clausterphobic and controlling family and then being homeless, regular life is a bit of a mystery to him and a very rough adjustment.)

 

But basically from the beginning he didn't respect my boundaries, I was consistently giving him "no" and telling him I didn't have high hopes for the relationship. But he kept pursuing and I gave in out of exhaustion, and partly because I figured he might stick around if he was that interested in the chase... wrong but I figured that out about males a little later. They like the chase... and exH did most of all.

 

(This is the most major factor that I found, and the sticking around bit was so crucial for me because I was only about six weeks away from the wedding when my ex split.)

 

I didn't respect him because for that while he followed me like a lost ass puppy, his self-esteem was so low that he would stoop to dating a gold-digging whore who was out to find a man to support her and raise her kid (exH wasn't that person lol). I knew I was a better breed of person than that. But since he was throwing himself at me, combined with his lack of self worth, and my strong-willed sometimes heavy handed tendencies I knew I could get away with a lot sometimes at his expense.

 

I didn't abuse him, I tried to build him up a lot & encourage him. But he had a non-confrontational nature and it was pretty easy to get my way with him. I need someone who will put their foot down with me, which he didn't do. We had no boundaries... and those didn't start to get established till much later but by then it was too late.

 

Even when the boundaries were established I didn't respect his and he did not respect mine... golden rule I guess. When he would make a boundary I knew that I could pretty easily still get my way, and usually did. Absolute lack of respect for him on my part.

 

So our marriage was in trouble from the start. Its not because I didn't love him or respect him. We did not have a good foundation of MUTUAL respect that both of us would follow. Communication was another big issue but I imagine that even if he was inclined to communicate he gave up because I wouldn't respect him anyway.

So as hard as this lesson may be, I am definitely going to do my damnedest to respect the next person I date BEFORE I date them. If you don't respect them, no amount of communication or setting boundaries is going to fix anything... you will just do what you want and **** what they say, think, or feel about it.

 

My bad? Yes. Learning experience? Yes. Tough **** better luck next time DDG? Unfortunately yes.

 

I bolded everything that paralleled my R with my H. I think you just found the formula for marrying a porn-addicted husband!

 

He met you after a yucky relationship collapse, pursued you, heard "no" a thousand times. (My H was so persistent that I wrote NO on my hand and when we would talk he would slip in references to dating etc. and I would flash my hand up and continue with the conversation.) My God I had no sense of boundaries!

 

I would get my way, he would avoid etc etc etc.

 

What I am thinking is the next person I marry is going to have to have a firm set of boundaries already in place that I can't find my way around... so in that respect he's going to have to be far more clever than I am at defending them.

 

Good plan, just make sure that you don't swing too far on the other side of the spectrum.

 

But when they tell me "No" they are going to have be rational and logical about it. When exH would tell me "no" the reasoning made no sense. And illogical reasoning combined with lack of respect didn't help his case... it confused me more than anything. I would get what I wanted and he would be left feeling... hell I don't know he wouldn't tell me anything

 

(I am familiar with this one too!)

 

At the same time they are going to have to deal with a pretty free-spirited and strong-willed woman. If they get too authoritarian with me I will just split.

 

 

I am going to make a list of my good and bad characteristics soon. I feel like I should so when I am looking for a potential bf I can let him know UPFRONT what he can expect from me.

 

Ain't gonna be any surprises from me, imma put my cards on the table and if he doesn't like the hand I'm playing he needs to get the **** out my game.

 

Try not to pull out the list on the first date! At least not before dessert!

[Duckduckgoose]

I was working on my personality list at work, the dataset is a bit slow loading so it gives me opportunity to write down a couple words in the meantime.

 

I don't plan to date the total opposite of what my exH was, there were things I liked about him too. But since you bolded a bunch of stuff I know what to look for... most of those were things I didn't like anyway so plan to avoid.

[Duckduckgoose]

In a few days it will be what would have been exH and mine's 5th anniversary of being together. I didn't think it would affect me but I been kind of moody.

 

Also, with the major flooding going on in some parts of the country, INCLUDING the part of the country where exH ran to... I been kind of vindictive thinking. I know it's wrong because it could flood here but I been thinking "drown ******* drown!". Then automatically feel guilty for thinking it because people have been dying from the tornadoes and stuff.

 

I don't want other people to get hurt or killed. I don't even really want him to either... just want him to be miserable a little more for putting me through all this ****.

[dreamingoftigers]

I almost feel like combing through some books to help you with selection criteria, even successful relationship stats. Or, you know, I could go outside....

 

Plus you have to remember for a certain amount of deviation from the mark. If you find a guy that fits the criteria perfectly, you have quite possibly a bigger issue then you realize.

 

There is just that certain amount of human error required and it isn't always comfortable.

 

Btw I thought about it. My father has intimacy problems too (SA) and he met my mother right after the collapse of a 3 year relationship and he pursued her even though she was quite heavily resistant.

 

Totally a red flag of these guys.

 

As well she viewed him as quite childlike and tantrumy, no common sense and had trouble socializing. She also gets away with murder when it comes to what she can ask of him and how she treats him (although he is a real hard person to deal with).

[dreamingoftigers]

In a few days it will be what would have been exH and mine's 5th anniversary of being together. I didn't think it would affect me but I been kind of moody.

 

Also, with the major flooding going on in some parts of the country, INCLUDING the part of the country where exH ran to... I been kind of vindictive thinking. I know it's wrong because it could flood here but I been thinking "drown ******* drown!". Then automatically feel guilty for thinking it because people have been dying from the tornadoes and stuff.

 

I don't want other people to get hurt or killed. I don't even really want him to either... just want him to be miserable a little more for putting me through all this ****.

 

Expect it to run through you like that. Don't try to block it or avoid it. Processing all of the negative emotions makes way to start processing the positive ones. No kidding, there is a science behind it.