So shocked

[Oneofall]

I'm 32 years old and married to my wife of 6 years with our son. Last night she told me she had a one-night-stand with her coworker last year in September. She said she thought by trying to move on from it, the guilt would go away but it's been eating her up. Said she couldn't go another day looking at me and our son, knowing she done wrong. We ended up in a big argument that woke up the little one and he was crying. Luckily we had to stop to take care of him to get him to calm down.

 

I don't know what to do. She looks like a different person to me now.

[What_Next]

There are some positives here, even though it might not look like it right now. If you can be sure that she did admit it out of guilt and that the admission was pure then there is at least something there to build on.

 

The sad reality though is that you will not ever look at her the same way. That is very hard to come to terms with, but it is the truth.

 

Now, my advice is to not make any life changing decisions today, give yourself some time to digest this. You've already seen how emotional things can get right now and the impact it'll have on your child. So, slow down.

 

You are going to go through a wave of emotions, anger, hurt, sadness, bitterness, etc, etc. Let them happen.

[drifter777]

I don't know what to do. She looks like a different person to me now.

 

I am so sorry for your trouble. Since you just found out about it you need some time to process and you really shouldn't be around her for a few days for everyone's sake. Since she did the deed, ask her to leave for a while and if that can't happen than you should pack a bag and stay with a friend or family. You will get a lot of advice and feedback on this forum and in a couple days you should be able to put together an initial plan for your recovery from this terrible shock.

 

I wish you luck and peace.

[TheLoneSock]

Just another nail in the coffin that is my decision to get married. Why am I not surprised?

 

Sorry, sidetracked here, not trying to center this on me. I am so sorry for your pain OP, you deserve far better. I truly hope you KNOW this too.

[ComputerJock]

For the next six months you will be on an emotional rollercoaster. Your marriage died the moment you found out your wife spread her legs for another man and let him enter her (sorry for image, but you will have it on your mind probably for the rest of your life). The image of the woman you married, of her love and devotion to you and family is now tainted. You will never believe another word out of her mouth for the rest of the marriage. When she's late, you'll wonder who she is with, when her cell phone rings and she answers you will wonder it is the previous OM (Other Man) or a new one. Does your family know what she did to kill your marriage, her friends, etc. You will constantly want to check her email, cell phone records and her whereabouts 24/7. Read Owl, his wife had EA (Emotional Affair, and What_Next who is still struggling with infidelity of wife, for advice, and other posts such as 180 and what is true remorse and how to verify it. Good Luck and God Help You, you'll need it.

[Oneofall]

I thank you all for your advice. I'm so devastated. When she was telling me what she did it was like my head was spinning. Like I was falling or about to pass out. She's been trying to get me to talk about it all day but I don't even have the stregnth to engage in conversation, more specifically another argument that could terrorize our son again.

 

My mind has been replaying what she told me and I do wonder if she's even telling me the full truth about this. She internalized this information from me for a considerable amount of time, while continuing to work with the guy she slept with. I don't know what I did to deserve this. I've dealt with a lot being in the Army but this is too much.

[TheLoneSock]

I don't know what I did to deserve this. I've dealt with a lot being in the Army but this is too much.

 

You didn't do anything to deserve it. Karma doesn't exist, so try not to think like that.

 

Bad things happen to good people, that's the way life is. I have %100 confidence in you that you'll be able to soldier up on this. Please do what is best for you and your son, what ever conclusion you come to, and most importantly have the courage to make some tough decisions.

[GorillaTheater]

I thank you all for your advice. I'm so devastated. When she was telling me what she did it was like my head was spinning. Like I was falling or about to pass out. She's been trying to get me to talk about it all day but I don't even have the stregnth to engage in conversation, more specifically another argument that could terrorize our son again.

 

My mind has been replaying what she told me and I do wonder if she's even telling me the full truth about this. She internalized this information from me for a considerable amount of time, while continuing to work with the guy she slept with. I don't know what I did to deserve this. I've dealt with a lot being in the Army but this is too much.

 

It'll probably be the worst day of your life. Is she telling you the whole truth? Maybe not; alot of Waywards will play hide the ball or employ "trickle truth" ("it was just one time", a month later: "okay, maybe four"). But on the plus side she came out and confessed on her own. But if you have doubts, ask her. Right now she should be answering each and every question you have. If this stand any chance of working, you need honesty, remorse, transparency (FB, emails, phone), and her willingness to do whatever it takes to make this right. Marriage counseling will likely help.

 

Like others have said, you don't have to make a decision right now. Give yourself some time. Go or stay? There is no wrong answer. Just give yourself the time to make the right choice for you.

[drifter777]

I thank you all for your advice. I'm so devastated. When she was telling me what she did it was like my head was spinning. Like I was falling or about to pass out. She's been trying to get me to talk about it all day but I don't even have the stregnth to engage in conversation, more specifically another argument that could terrorize our son again.

 

My mind has been replaying what she told me and I do wonder if she's even telling me the full truth about this. She internalized this information from me for a considerable amount of time, while continuing to work with the guy she slept with. I don't know what I did to deserve this. I've dealt with a lot being in the Army but this is too much.

 

Again, I urge you to leave for a couple days for everyone's sake. It will give you both some time to think about what to do next while also protecting your son.

[bentnotbroken]

I thank you all for your advice. I'm so devastated. When she was telling me what she did it was like my head was spinning. Like I was falling or about to pass out. She's been trying to get me to talk about it all day but I don't even have the stregnth to engage in conversation, more specifically another argument that could terrorize our son again.

 

My mind has been replaying what she told me and I do wonder if she's even telling me the full truth about this. She internalized this information from me for a considerable amount of time, while continuing to work with the guy she slept with. I don't know what I did to deserve this. I've dealt with a lot being in the Army but this is too much.

 

 

Yeah the mind movies are a biotch. I am so sorry you are here. You did nothing to deserve this. This is her choice. Though the impact to you is devastating...it isn't about you..it is her failure/flaw/weakness...whatever name you give it. I know you don't want to hear this, but you will get through this. We are at different stages of recovery, some fully healed others still dealing. Take it one day at a time. There are some great people here who can give you the support you need. Take what you can use and leave the rest.

[Snowflower]

I thank you all for your advice. I'm so devastated. When she was telling me what she did it was like my head was spinning. Like I was falling or about to pass out. She's been trying to get me to talk about it all day but I don't even have the stregnth to engage in conversation, more specifically another argument that could terrorize our son again.

 

This is a perfectly normal response. Shock does this to you.

 

If you're not ready to talk to her, then don't.

My mind has been replaying what she told me and I do wonder if she's even telling me the full truth about this. She internalized this information from me for a considerable amount of time, while continuing to work with the guy she slept with. I don't know what I did to deserve this. I've dealt with a lot being in the Army but this is too much.

 

At least she did tell you. That had to take incredible courage for her to do that and in a way, it was an act of love on her part. I'm not defending her decision to have an affair in any way.

 

At least you didn't find out the hard way (finding evidence yourself or seeing them together). Also, at least you know and can make an informed decision about your life and marriage now.

 

I know it hurts. I've been in a very similar situation myself.

 

And, you didn't do anything to deserve this. There wasn't anything you could have done to deserve this (other than perhaps cheating first).

 

When you are ready to talk to her, you will need to find out WHY she did this.

 

As for working with him for months after, I think she already answered part of that for you.

 

Hang in there and do what you need to take care of yourself (and your young son) first.

[reservoirdog1]

I thank you all for your advice. I'm so devastated. When she was telling me what she did it was like my head was spinning. Like I was falling or about to pass out. She's been trying to get me to talk about it all day but I don't even have the stregnth to engage in conversation, more specifically another argument that could terrorize our son again.

 

My mind has been replaying what she told me and I do wonder if she's even telling me the full truth about this. She internalized this information from me for a considerable amount of time, while continuing to work with the guy she slept with. I don't know what I did to deserve this. I've dealt with a lot being in the Army but this is too much.

Firstly... dude, so sorry you had to come here. Welcome to the club nobody wants to join.

 

I don't know if you can recover your marriage after this. It's not impossible, but suffice to say you're going to have a lot of people giving you advice over the next while. The only person who can really decide if it's possible is YOU. And now, when you've just been suckerpunched in the balls, isn't the time to make that decision. But here are some things to keep in mind.

 

1. You say you don't know if she's telling you the full truth. Not surprising. And you really don't know. And you don't really know WHY she came clean -- the OM or somebody else might have threatened to tell you, so she had no choice. So, you should tell her that you want immediate, unlimited, 24/7 access to her cell phone, email, Facebook, internet search history, etc. Passwords and all. If she challenges this or questions this, tell her that right now, you don't know if you can believe a word she says, and that giving you that access is the least she can do if she wants to regain your trust. If she still resists this, or claims that it would be an invasion of her privacy, then you've just been given a HUGE indication that you don't have the whole truth. And if she gives you the info, sit down and immediately go through her email, before she has time to sanitize it.

 

2. Your shock, devastation and sadness will hang on for awhile. Fairly quickly, however, the sadness will start turning into anger. You need an outlet for that -- I suggest you try kickboxing or something similar. I did it for about six months during my anger phase, and it felt great. Anger feels WAAAAAAY better than sadness; sadness makes you want to crawl into a corner and die, while anger gets your heart pumping and makes you want to DO something instead of just being pulled under. The key is to channel your anger into something good for you.

 

3. Insist that she immediately start couples counselling with you.

 

4. Find a friend you can talk to about all this. Your wife will object to you doing so, but it's imperative that you have access to somebody you can confide in. It's unreasonable to expect you to keep your pain to yourself at a time like this. If you're interested in trying to fix your marriage you shouldn't broadcast her cheating to the world, but her desire to COMPLETELY avoid embarassment has to take a backseat to your need to regain your strength and sanity (which she damaged). Make sure the friend you talk to agrees to keep the discussion totally between the two of you.

 

5. Is she still working with the OM? That must stop, immediately. If she still works with him, she must quit her job and cut off all contact with him, completely, full stop. He is officially a cancer on your marriage.

 

Good luck dude... hang in there.

Edited March 30, 2011 by reservoirdog1

[Oneofall]

So I waited until after she put our son in his bed for his nap to ask her a few questions about her cheating. When we were sitting down together on the couch I asked her flat out was he better in bed. She asked me why did I need to know that. I said just tell me and she started sobbing. Already knew my answer It took her a while but she said yes. I asked her what did she do with him. She said she had anal sex with him, which she never wanted to try with me. Never in our entire marriage. She told me she was sorry and she loves me but I don't believe it. I don't know what to do at this point. This just gets worse and worse.

[ShatteredReality]

So I waited until after she put our son in his bed for his nap to ask her a few questions about her cheating. When we were sitting down together on the couch I asked her flat out was he better in bed. She asked me why did I need to know that. I said just tell me and she started sobbing. Already knew my answer It took her a while but she said yes. I asked her what did she do with him. She said she had anal sex with him, which she never wanted to try with me. Never in our entire marriage. She told me she was sorry and she loves me but I don't believe it. I don't know what to do at this point. This just gets worse and worse.

 

If she didn't love you she wouldn't have come clean. She also hid it for this long because of her fear of losing you. This fear is valid, you may not be able to move forward with her. But you may be able to. Often times affairs are the result of another deeper issue. It may be her issue, it may be your issue together. You will get some good advice on here and some bad advice, weigh it all soundly before you make an permanent decisions. I haven't read entirely through what everyone said, though I thought I saw someone tell you to leave her or ask her to leave. For a couple days for a clear head this may not be an entirely bad idea, but trial seperations rarely work out for the better.

 

Don't do anything rash. Ask for your space when you need it and she needs to give it to you. If that means you spend an hour or two in the garage or she baracades herself in your bedroom giving you the roam of the house then so be it.

 

She may have tried something with him that she wasn't willing to do with you but know that she already knew she was doing something wrong. She was already doing something she didn't think she would ever do. The level of the bad really isn't increased or decreased by the positions she tried or how long they did it for - emotionally this will have a horrible effect on you, but in reality it doesn't matter. She cheated. She lied. She hid. Those are the things you need to concentrate on. The rest is all white noise in the way of the things that you really need to be able to move forward from. My husband told me I looked ugly to him...that I looked dirty...it's been more than two years. He doesn't say those things to me anymore. He tells me I am more beautiful than when he married me. He tells me he's never loved me more than he does now...it took about a year before we began to feel normal again...another year to rebuild trust to a reasonable degree...we addressed so many issues that we had that we had not even realized...if I could take back what I did I so would. I so so so would. I hate what I did to him. I hate the pain that I caused him. I hate that I doubted my love for him, and even more that when I no longer doubted my love for him the he continued to doubt my love for him. We are in such a better place now, though, that we simply don't look back anymore. We have learned and we continue to learn and grow together now - we don't put our guard down to the outside dangers that can tear down our marriage, but we are closer now than we had been for 8yrs in marriage. We'll be celebrating our 11th anniversary in a few months...I hope upon hopes you're able to move forward and say something similar for yourself.

 

If she says she loves you...believe her. What she did last year was awful. Don't minimize it or ignore it, and she has a long road ahead of fixing things...but try to USE this to make a better relationship for the future - IF YOU CAN. If you can't...then that's understandable as well. I am so sorry for your pain.

[reservoirdog1]

One other, very important point, in light of what she told you today:

 

Find out if she insisted the OM use protection. And get yourself tested for STDs, and insist that she do the same.

[WorldIsYours]

If she says she loves you...believe her.

 

W......T......F?

 

No OP, do not believe that. Someone who loves you does not cheat, do things she never done with you, and gaslight you for practically 7 months. This woman is a poison. Drop her and kick her out the house. Don't even let her take your son with her, like most women try to do when they realize their man isn't putting up with their crap.

[ShatteredReality]

W......T......F?

 

No OP, do not believe that. Someone who loves you does not cheat, do things she never done with you, and gaslight you for practically 7 months. This woman is a poison. Drop her and kick her out the house. Don't even let her take your son with her, like most women try to do when they realize their man isn't putting up with their crap.

 

Are you implying I don't love my husband?

[WorldIsYours]

Are you implying I don't love my husband?

 

What? No, but a wife like his who treats this guy like this obviously doesn't love him.

[ShatteredReality]

One other, very important point, in light of what she told you today:

 

Find out if she insisted the OM use protection. And get yourself tested for STDs, and insist that she do the same.

 

This is a good idea...both of you should get tested - honestly even if she did use protection. There are some things than can be passed reguardless...not to mention what if the protection failed....yes, get tested, both of you.

[Bryanp]

First, as previously stated it is essential that the both of you get tested for STD's. My guess is that she had unprotected sex and put your health at serious risk since she engaged in anal sex. I would doubt from you have written that it was only a one time thing. Clearly she had no problem playing you for a fool. I would think about getting her to take a polygraph which is common. Engaging in anal sex would make me think this was not a one time thing. You will find that in most of these instance there is more to the story. It is sad that your wife had so little respect for you and your family.

[reservoirdog1]

Engaging in anal sex would make me think this was not a one time thing.

Excellent point. Doing that successfully -- especially for a woman who's never done it before -- usually requires a few attempts, not to mention the existence of a high level of trust and comfort between her and the man. That takes time to build.

[ShatteredReality]

What? No, but a wife like his who treats this guy like this obviously doesn't love him.

 

How she feels now and how she felt at the time when she did what she did could be different. I cheated on my husband. I was awful...a veritable b***h. Honestly, when I told him what happened he should have put me through a wall - my affair lasted more than one night and was more emotional than physical. I lied and cheated....it makes my stomach turn to think of the things that I did. But, as my husband has reminded me time and again...I have made positive changes since then and who I was during that awful few months is not who I am now. It's almost as if we're two completely different people...one was selfish and uncaring while the normal everyday me isn't like that at all. She did something awful to him, yes, and it cannot be undone. But to say that now, several months or a year down the line, that she doesn't love him is not fair. She didn't tell him because she was so afraid of losing him. She has been sobbing eachtime they speak because she does love him and feels a huge amount of guilt (rightfully) over what she's done. So...does she love him? You can't say she doesn't. Does OP need to tread carefully?? Sure he does - but he's in a huge amount of pain right now. So is she - though you may feel hers is deserved. It might be of some comfort for him to know at least that as of right now yes, she probably does love him...which is why she's as broken up about what she's done as she is. If she didn't love him, she wouldn't care nearly as much.

[WorldIsYours]

Excellent point. Doing that successfully -- especially for a woman who's never done it before -- usually requires a few attempts, not to mention the existence of a high level of trust and comfort between her and the man. That takes time to build.

 

Agreed. His wife thinks she's so slick.

[ShatteredReality]

Excellent point. Doing that successfully -- especially for a woman who's never done it before -- usually requires a few attempts, not to mention the existence of a high level of trust and comfort between her and the man. That takes time to build.

 

Again I have to disagree here. The first time I ever did that the first attempt was successful, though I didn't enjoy it and therefore don't do it...but that's a personal decision. When a woman loses complete and total self respect she is sometimes willing to do things she wouldn't normally. I've only had anal sex with my husband, and I have only let him do that maybe three times...the last time was shortly after my affair. It wasn't because I trusted him or was comfortable with him - I honestly don't know if I would have let my OM do that. I like to think not, but that's just because I dislike it so much. I only let my H do it b/c he asked and I cared so little of myself that I didn't care. This speaks volumes for where she was emotionally at the time this happened. We don't know the whole story - we know little to nothing of their marriage prior or any personal issues she's gone through....while it's not LIKELY a woman would do this out of the blue with someone...we also don't know if she was under any drug/alcohol influence when it happened.

[WorldIsYours]

How she feels now and how she felt at the time when she did what she did could be different. I cheated on my husband. I was awful...a veritable b***h. Honestly, when I told him what happened he should have put me through a wall - my affair lasted more than one night and was more emotional than physical. I lied and cheated....it makes my stomach turn to think of the things that I did. But, as my husband has reminded me time and again...I have made positive changes since then and who I was during that awful few months is not who I am now. It's almost as if we're two completely different people...one was selfish and uncaring while the normal everyday me isn't like that at all.

 

Errr......

 

She did something awful to him, yes, and it cannot be undone. But to say that now, several months or a year down the line, that she doesn't love him is not fair.

 

Her cuckolding him is not fair either.

 

She didn't tell him because she was so afraid of losing him.

 

Exactly. She did it for her own benefit.

 

She has been sobbing eachtime they speak because she does love him and feels a huge amount of guilt (rightfully) over what she's done.

 

A few sobs of meaningless sorries and apologies doesn't cut what she did. The man just found out.

 

So...does she love him? You can't say she doesn't.

 

I can say it and it's true. She doesn't love him.

 

Does OP need to tread carefully?? Sure he does - but he's in a huge amount of pain right now. So is she - though you may feel hers is deserved.

 

The only pain she had was from her co-worker penetrating her booty.

 

It might be of some comfort for him to know at least that as of right now yes, she probably does love him...

 

This guy had no comfort since his wife made the decision to cheat. He just didn't know it yet.

 

which is why she's as broken up about what she's done as she is. If she didn't love him, she wouldn't care nearly as much.

 

She's not broken. She's selfish, manipulative, and calculating, trying to twist this man's mind for her own benefit.