So shocked

[ShatteredReality]

All the unfaithful try numerous times to convince themselves that what they did doesn't define them. If it didn't, then it should've never happened. You shouldn't reconcile if you're hoping to somehow remove the pain from him, you should be doing it because you want to make sure you never participate in that type of behavior for the rest of your life, whether with your H or with someone else.

 

It doesn't define me. It was a terrible act...it isn't who I am. It was something that I did. If it did define me I would continue to do it. It would be who I am. You're free to disagree, but up until I was able to make this distinction I was nearly suicidal over my actions - so please do not try to discount how I cope with my past transgressions.

 

And your story shall not be discounted. In fact, it will be held as the other prime examples of the effects of infidelity and how it transforms those touched by it. I wouldn't necessarily call it a success just because you're still married but nonetheless, it will not be discounted.

 

It is a success because my H and I have pulled through it and are on the other side of some terrible events - in love, happy to have one another, and not tormenting eachother over the things we've done to eachother in the past. He cannot claim he's never hurt me and obviously I cannot claim that I've never hurt him, but we understand better how to communicate and how to better love one another. Now we head off potential issues before they become more than we can handle - we have open communication, take measures to prevent things from happening in the future. Not just me, either...I previously didn't believe I was capable of the atrocity of cheating...and through tons of research my H found that anyone is capable of cheating. Those who say they aren't are wrong. It's all a matter of having the proper guards up. In life and in marriage you can fall in and out of love with your spouse time and again - and during the times when you're not passionately in love with them you are more vulnerable than sometimes people are willing to admit.

 

While it holds true that some people are just cheaters to the core - it also holds true that sometimes the cheating is a symptom of a much deeper issue. I am not discounting the damage that it does or excusing the person who cheats - I am just pointing out that sometimes the issues in the marriage go deeper than one person just wanting to get their O on with someone new.

[Mr.Harris]

It doesn't define me. It was a terrible act...it isn't who I am. It was something that I did. If it did define me I would continue to do it. It would be who I am.

 

If it doesn't define one then there's no need to do it in the first place.

 

You're free to disagree, but up until I was able to make this distinction I was nearly suicidal over my actions - so please do not try to discount how I cope with my past transgressions.

 

And while that is sad that you were suicidal, it doesn't not however, lessens your responsibilities nor the pain your H is going through.

 

It is a success because my H and I have pulled through it and are on the other side of some terrible events - in love, happy to have one another, and not tormenting eachother over the things we've done to eachother in the past. He cannot claim he's never hurt me and obviously I cannot claim that I've never hurt him, but we understand better how to communicate and how to better love one another. Now we head off potential issues before they become more than we can handle - we have open communication, take measures to prevent things from happening in the future. Not just me, either...I previously didn't believe I was capable of the atrocity of cheating...and through tons of research my H found that anyone is capable of cheating. Those who say they aren't are wrong. It's all a matter of having the proper guards up. In life and in marriage you can fall in and out of love with your spouse time and again - and during the times when you're not passionately in love with them you are more vulnerable than sometimes people are willing to admit.

 

Marriage is always hard, but marital issues doesn't excuse infidelity ma'am.

 

While it holds true that some people are just cheaters to the core - it also holds true that sometimes the cheating is a symptom of a much deeper issue. I am not discounting the damage that it does or excusing the person who cheats - I am just pointing out that sometimes the issues in the marriage go deeper than one person just wanting to get their O on with someone new.

 

You're right it does show that those who cheat, have deeper problems they need to deal with but it doesn't excuse putting their partner in a traumatic experience that will be with them for the rest of their lives. The issues in a marriage do not go deeper than cheating. They can be dealt with without having to resort to abuse mixed with deception.

[GorillaTheater]

I don't subscribe to the "once a cheater, always a cheater" school of thought; I know people can and do change. But I don't think whether or not she's likely to be a repeat offender is even that relevant in this case.

 

Sometimes you just hit a wall of pain. You can't get past it, and nothing the WS does or doesn't do can help you get past it. The lies and betrayal simply hurt too much, and too much damage has been done to ever hope to repair.

 

Maybe that's where the OP is. I get that and respect it.

[dale_gribble]

Credibilty comes with trust and honesty, something cheaters seldom display. You can't trust these people in the same fashion ever again. They're pretty much 86'd when it comes to credibility

[dale_gribble]

How are you doing my friend?

[Oneofall]

How are you doing my friend?

 

Dealing with those thoughts of them ****ing is getting on my nerves. It's like something of mine has been taken away.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Dealing with those thoughts of them ****ing is getting on my nerves. It's like something of mine has been taken away.

 

That bothered me too at one point. 1 year later though and I could care less.

 

You will come to realize in time that often women who don't think you are all that good in bed feel that way because of the things that happen outside the bedroom. Being married to you was probably not comparable to the fantasy of the new guy.

 

Also... I would say there is a chance she never believed you would leave because she made more money. Women like that tend to think along those lines and don't realize some people value principles.

[OldOnTheInside]

Dealing with those thoughts of them ****ing is getting on my nerves. It's like something of mine has been taken away.

 

Time isn't guaranteed to heal all wounds, but it certainly doesn't hurt. I dunno, everybody has their own way of coping.

[JAGeezer]

I don't subscribe to the "once a cheater, always a cheater" school of thought; I know people can and do change. But I don't think whether or not she's likely to be a repeat offender is even that relevant in this case.

 

Sometimes you just hit a wall of pain. You can't get past it, and nothing the WS does or doesn't do can help you get past it. The lies and betrayal simply hurt too much, and too much damage has been done to ever hope to repair.

 

Maybe that's where the OP is. I get that and respect it.

 

No, but I subscribe to calculated risk. Take ShatteredReality for instance. She seems sincere and honest about what she did and where her marriage is at now. Her H sounds like a prince.

 

Here's the thing. At the time a cheater is engaged in an A, I have to stipulate that they're behaving like a greedy self-centered horse's ass. All of them, without exception. If it were not so, they would be doing what they're doing. Some, a very few, are just lost. The majority are simply, by their nature, a greedy self-centered horse's ass.

 

I've seen people recover from infidelity because their spouse was genuinely contrite. The thing is, if I had to hold my breath between meeting one and meeting the next one I'd be a dead man. It simply isn't worth the risk to heart, soul, and health to make the effort. I say that from hard experience. Granted, my situation was a worst case scenario, but the potential for something to go seriously wrong is there every single time someone has an A. Something most WS's choose to ignore in their rush to get some.

 

ShatteredReality You seem like a nice person, and I don't mean to denigrate your apparent success. There are other people around here with success stories. However, they are very much in the minority. Then there's me. A couple of decades back I tried what your husband did with you. Forgiving a WS. It nearly got me killed. My current W tried it with her xH. It garnered her a couple of serious STDs. In short, I see it as never being worth the risk to recover an M after an A. Thus I will always advise to cut their loses and file for immediate divorce.

 

Other people's tolerance for risk is higher than mine. Perhaps they haven't lost enough, or come close to losing enough to teach them caution. (shrugs) In any event, to gamble or not to gamble is everyone's choice.

 

Personally I'll stick with lottery tickets. They don't require you to bet your life in order to play. Which is what your H did. He literally bet his life, health, and sanity that you could be trusted, depsite all evidence to the contrary. In short, he had faith in you. From what you say, he seems to have won his bet. I'm happy for both you and him...because most BS's trying to reconcile lose that bet one way or another.

 

JAG

[OldOnTheInside]

I think the more reasonable way to put it (as JAG has said) is that while "once a cheater always a cheater" isn't entirely true, the BS has no real obligation to find out the results. Nobody is entitled to forgiveness, and nobody is obligated to forgive another. The ability to choose, is all part of the sh*t that comes with sentience.

 

Sometimes you just hit a wall of pain. You can't get past it, and nothing the WS does or doesn't do can help you get past it. The lies and betrayal simply hurt too much, and too much damage has been done to ever hope to repair.

A very good point.

 

All actions have consequences, and even if you are truly regretful and sorry for those actions, the impact of the deed is done, whatever way you look at it.

[rafallus]

I think the more reasonable way to put it (as JAG has said) is that while "once a cheater always a cheater" isn't entirely true, the BS has no real obligation to find out the results. Nobody is entitled to forgiveness, and nobody is obligated to forgive another. The ability to choose, is all part of the sh*t that comes with sentience.

And if someone chooses not to work things out, it can't be held against him/her.

[ShatteredReality]

No, but I subscribe to calculated risk. Take ShatteredReality for instance. She seems sincere and honest about what she did and where her marriage is at now. Her H sounds like a prince.

 

Here's the thing. At the time a cheater is engaged in an A, I have to stipulate that they're behaving like a greedy self-centered horse's ass. All of them, without exception. If it were not so, they would be doing what they're doing. Some, a very few, are just lost. The majority are simply, by their nature, a greedy self-centered horse's ass.

 

I've seen people recover from infidelity because their spouse was genuinely contrite. The thing is, if I had to hold my breath between meeting one and meeting the next one I'd be a dead man. It simply isn't worth the risk to heart, soul, and health to make the effort. I say that from hard experience. Granted, my situation was a worst case scenario, but the potential for something to go seriously wrong is there every single time someone has an A. Something most WS's choose to ignore in their rush to get some.

 

ShatteredReality You seem like a nice person, and I don't mean to denigrate your apparent success. There are other people around here with success stories. However, they are very much in the minority. Then there's me. A couple of decades back I tried what your husband did with you. Forgiving a WS. It nearly got me killed. My current W tried it with her xH. It garnered her a couple of serious STDs. In short, I see it as never being worth the risk to recover an M after an A. Thus I will always advise to cut their loses and file for immediate divorce.

 

Other people's tolerance for risk is higher than mine. Perhaps they haven't lost enough, or come close to losing enough to teach them caution. (shrugs) In any event, to gamble or not to gamble is everyone's choice.

 

Personally I'll stick with lottery tickets. They don't require you to bet your life in order to play. Which is what your H did. He literally bet his life, health, and sanity that you could be trusted, depsite all evidence to the contrary. In short, he had faith in you. From what you say, he seems to have won his bet. I'm happy for both you and him...because most BS's trying to reconcile lose that bet one way or another.

 

JAG

 

One thing that I recognize about my story is just that - it's mine. It has its own unique properties to it and the reasons things are how they are now are all results to different actions my H and I have taken over the years.

 

At the time, when I had the A, I was of the opinion that no marriage could survive infidelity. I fully expected to be divorced within a few short months of DDay...it was my H who didn't want to go that route and opted to give our marriage another chance. Part of that process was identifying the problems in our marriage that had been ignored for so long. For us - we realized that even if we weren't able to get past the infidelity, at least getting to the root of the other problems we'd had and working on those, we had a chance at not repeating all the same mistakes in the future.

 

Basically - I would never fault a person for leaving a WS...I would also never fault them for trying to give things another shot. Whether they stay or go, though, I believe both the WS and the BS (together or apart) need to take a good hard look at the marriage as a whole and identify the potential contributing factors to the infidelity. Cheating is never excusable or a reasonable solution to the problems - but handling a problem so drastically incorrectly doesn't negate the fact that there IS a problem. It's sort of the equivalent to trying to heal a cut by cutting it out - obviously that would only make it worse - but it doesn't mean the original cut wasn't there to begin with. So it helps to identify how that first cut happened. That way - reconciliation or not - the same mistakes don't need to interfere with that relationship or others in the future.

 

And if someone chooses not to work things out, it can't be held against him/her.

Agreed - completely.

 

But I do feel that if a person chooses to reconcile they need to go into it with some positivity and with knowledge of both the possible good outcomes as well as the negative.

[Mr.Harris]

But I do feel that if a person chooses to reconcile they need to go into it with some positivity and with knowledge of both the possible good outcomes as well as the negative.

 

When two people are reconciling it's not just going to be automatically roses and colors. That's irrational thinking to expect the BS to be all of a sudden happy about deciding to reconcile with their wife after discovery of cheating.

[Oneofall]

That bothered me too at one point. 1 year later though and I could care less.

 

You will come to realize in time that often women who don't think you are all that good in bed feel that way because of the things that happen outside the bedroom. Being married to you was probably not comparable to the fantasy of the new guy.

 

Also... I would say there is a chance she never believed you would leave because she made more money. Women like that tend to think along those lines and don't realize some people value principles.

 

Well if she honestly thought that then she's more of a fool than I thought.

 

I try to keep moving but everything is so ****ed up right now. It's all out of place.

 

Everything is so bland and boring now. No damn hope.

[drifter777]

That bothered me too at one point. 1 year later though and I could care less.

 

You will come to realize in time that often women who don't think you are all that good in bed feel that way because of the things that happen outside the bedroom. Being married to you was probably not comparable to the fantasy of the new guy.

 

Also... I would say there is a chance she never believed you would leave because she made more money. Women like that tend to think along those lines and don't realize some people value principles.

Well if she honestly thought that then she's more of a fool than I thought.

 

I try to keep moving but everything is so ****ed up right now. It's all out of place.

 

Everything is so bland and boring now. No damn hope.

 

Oneofall: Regarding the porn movies staring your wife and OM that keep running through your head; don't expect that to change for a while. Everyone is different, and it can take years for it to get easier to deal with.

 

You sound despondent - are you still seeing your counselor(s)? What do you think you can do that will make you feel better? You already understand PTSD caused by combat, what you are dealing with now may look different but I bet it feels similar. Keep up your resolve and keep seeing your counselors. Stay busy and spend lots of time with your daughter. You will make it through this and be happy again.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Well if she honestly thought that then she's more of a fool than I thought.

I try to keep moving but everything is so ****ed up right now. It's all out of place.

Everything is so bland and boring now. No damn hope.

 

You really can't predict how much a fool she is or isn't. People in an affair rationalize everything and can't see reality.

 

Seriously... your going to feel down. It's Ok... this kind of thing is absolutely crushing.

 

It helps to cut her out of your life and focus on yourself for a while. I started dating too soon and I was an emotional trainwreck... though I never told anyone. After a few months of not contacting her things fell into place and I am now much happier than when we were together.

 

Believe that there is hope. This will fade in time and you will move forward... stronger than before.

[Oneofall]

Oneofall: Regarding the porn movies staring your wife and OM that keep running through your head; don't expect that to change for a while. Everyone is different, and it can take years for it to get easier to deal with.

 

You sound despondent - are you still seeing your counselor(s)? What do you think you can do that will make you feel better? You already understand PTSD caused by combat, what you are dealing with now may look different but I bet it feels similar. Keep up your resolve and keep seeing your counselors. Stay busy and spend lots of time with your daughter. You will make it through this and be happy again.

 

Counseling? Ehhhh....

 

But you do have a point, these images in my head are somewhat similar to my time in the Armed Forces. But this is a whole different ballgame right here. I've been reading my favorite novels to keep me distracted, but sometimes my mind wanders off to Hell.

 

And I do love spending time with my son. He puts a smile on my face and makes me cry at the same time.

 

Thanks.

[Oneofall]

You really can't predict how much a fool she is or isn't. People in an affair rationalize everything and can't see reality.

 

Seriously... your going to feel down. It's Ok... this kind of thing is absolutely crushing.

 

It helps to cut her out of your life and focus on yourself for a while. I started dating too soon and I was an emotional trainwreck... though I never told anyone. After a few months of not contacting her things fell into place and I am now much happier than when we were together.

 

Believe that there is hope. This will fade in time and you will move forward... stronger than before.

 

Thanks. I'm trying to hang in there.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Thanks. I'm trying to hang in there.

 

Hope things are going well for you!