So shocked

[TMCM]

I KNOW that is is hard to accept your W's statement of the OM being a better lover than you, but consider the following:

 

1. It may be true that the OM is a better lover but then again it can also be argued that it may have been your W's attraction to the thrill of tasting the 'forbidden fruit' that enhanced her perception of OM as a lover. It may also be possible that the OM may have tapped into her hidden fantasies further enhancing her sexual experience.

 

2. NOBODY, man or woman, is born a great lover. It takes a conscious effort to become one. Like physical fitness, some people have achieved that status while others have only just started.

 

3. At this moment your W, as a spouse, is as desirable as is the most hideous woman on Earth and she knows it. It's more than likely that the OM considers her nothing more than a disposable piece of a$s of which he would eventually grow tired of. This is hardly something that most women would aspire to be to a man.

 

Marriage wise, only you can decide what is best for you but remember that no matter what,the shame is on her as woman, not on you as a man.

Edited April 1, 2011 by TMCM
additional advice

[2sunny]

The shame is on her as woman, not on you as a man.

 

so true! this is HER bad behavior. do not take the blame for her bad behavior...

 

is she wanting to stay in the M? if so, what changes is she making to earn your trust back? has she said what made her cheat? if she doesn't know - then you have nothing to work towards.

 

you could expose the affair to her human resources department... they may be interested in knowing... since it is HER behavior - you have a right to be honest about her character and the person they employ.

 

IF she tries to be mad about that- just tell her it's HER behavior and SHE chose to DO this - so it is hers to own and be responsible for.

 

tell friends, family. show the world what she is capable of. let her deal with the chaos she created = it's her, not yours.

 

healing for yourself is good right now. take time to stay rested and strong. eat well, exercise and find fun things to do. start enjoying life without depending on her for any sense of happiness.

[dreamingoftigers]

Seriously don't rush anything until you give yourself a chance to breathe.

[Oneofall]

She called last night and we talked on the phone. She did tell me more. She said she started talking to him in July last year and had sex with him in September. I asked her did she have sex with him more than once and she said yes. I asked her when was the last time they did it and she said in January. Told me she cut him off and avoids him. I asked her does he still try to talk to her and she said yes but she ignores him.

 

We stayed on the phone in silence for a while as I took in everything she told me. I got pissed as I thought about it. I still felt she was lying to me. She told me all she wanted was to work on the marriage and she's sorry for doing this to me. I yelled at her to not even say the word marriage because from everything that's been going on we don't even have one. I told her I was sick of her and her lies and disrespect. She kept telling me that's the whole truth. I asked her then why the **** did she leave for work when I asked her to stay. She said because she was embarrassed after telling me she cheated on me. I told her yet she didn't even tell me everything the first damn time. I said she's nothing but a ****ing liar and she can keep ****ing him since he's so good then I hung up and turned off my phone. I almost broke it. She came over this morning and we got into it again. She had the nerve to tell me that she was going to take our son back home and tried to get past me to get in the house where he was at. I told her no she cannot see him right now and she needs to go home. My mom convinced her to leave (thank god).

 

All I gotta say is that I'm done. I had hopes for our marriage but I'm starting to realize it's a lost cause. It's over. I don't even care if she's still lying to me or seeing that piece of ****. He can have her. I know a lot of you had hoped we can reconcile but it just won't happen.

[Bryanp]

Unfortunately most of us told you she was not telling you the whole truth. She still may not be telling you the whole truth. She is a real piece of work. Since this has now been established that this was an ongoing sexual affair with anal sex involved; it is absolutely essential that you get tested for STD's. You are at serious health risk. I hope you find a very good attorney. I wish you luck.

[TMCM]

All I gotta say is that I'm done. I had hopes for our marriage but I'm starting to realize it's a lost cause. It's over. I don't even care if she's still lying to me or seeing that piece of ****. He can have her. I know a lot of you had hoped we can reconcile but it just won't happen.

 

Could you please elaborate on the 'I had hopes thing?'

Edited April 1, 2011 by TMCM
editing

[Goldenspoon]

Unfortunately most of us told you she was not telling you the whole truth. She still may not be telling you the whole truth. She is a real piece of work. Since this has now been established that this was an ongoing sexual affair with anal sex involved; it is absolutely essential that you get tested for STD's. You are at serious health risk. I hope you find a very good attorney. I wish you luck.

 

If that other man has HIV, his wife would have had it already. And, the original poster might have gotten it from his wife, not to mention any other STDs this other man might have.

[Bryanp]

This is not true goldenspoon:

1. HIV can be passed and can remain dormant for a period of time.

2. There are a host of other STD's that can be transmitted much more easily through anal sex.

[WorldIsYours]

That's why it's just best to leave the hoe. Take care of yourself and your son dude and don't forget to get tested.

[dreamingoftigers]

Prepare everything carefully and treat yourself really nicely during this trauma.

 

EMDR therapy can help with the imagery etc. Very very useful therapy for betrayed spouses.

 

I had 6 sessions (I am not done yet) and have been able to cope much better.

 

Do not let her take your sanity and do not rush into anything that could harm you later and that you aren't ready for. Don't let the pain push you anywhere that you don't want to go.

[Darren Steez]

So I waited until after she put our son in his bed for his nap to ask her a few questions about her cheating. When we were sitting down together on the couch I asked her flat out was he better in bed. She asked me why did I need to know that. I said just tell me and she started sobbing. Already knew my answer It took her a while but she said yes. I asked her what did she do with him. She said she had anal sex with him, which she never wanted to try with me. Never in our entire marriage. She told me she was sorry and she loves me but I don't believe it. I don't know what to do at this point. This just gets worse and worse.

 

It should be why did you cheat on me not if he's better in bed than me. No matter what she does from here on in, in your head you're never going to measure up.

[Oneofall]

Dreamingoftigers I've been looking into EMDR therapy and it sounds like it can help, if only I can find someone near my area.

 

She called again yesterday to tell me she was going to quit her job this week. I laughed at her. I told her quitting her job is not going to change a damn thing about us and how she was on Friday. I could tell she was frustrated when she breathed hard on the phone. She said well what do I want her to do and I said I want her to leave me alone. She said can she at least see our son and I said fine as long as she doesn't come around with all of that bull**** then I hung up.

 

One minute I want her to leave me alone and the next I think about us somewhere in the future together again.

[TMCM]

Dreamingoftigers I've been looking into EMDR therapy and it sounds like it can help, if only I can find someone near my area.

 

She called again yesterday to tell me she was going to quit her job this week. I laughed at her. I told her quitting her job is not going to change a damn thing about us and how she was on Friday. I could tell she was frustrated when she breathed hard on the phone. She said well what do I want her to do and I said I want her to leave me alone. She said can she at least see our son and I said fine as long as she doesn't come around with all of that bull**** then I hung up.

 

One minute I want her to leave me alone and the next I think about us somewhere in the future together again.

 

You have every right to be angry and to end the marriage but please consider that for your own emotional health and that of your child that you MUST the start the forgiveness process ASAP. Now before you start blasting me, please allow me to explain what I mean by forgiveness.

 

Forgiveness has nothing to do with whether or not she deserves it, nor forgetting nor condoning what she has done. No, forgiveness means that you will give up the burning desire to seek revenge on her by punishing her with emotional abuse. Forgiveness IS NOT reconciliation nor it implies that reconciliation will take place. Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself so that the natural hatred and bitterness you are experiencing, do not poison your heart for the rest of your life. Forgiveness is the most powerful show of strength you can show to others, including her. It shows her that you refuse to be her victim and that you will thrive without her.

 

How can you start doing this? by changing your mindset in how you view her. She is no longer your W but ONLY the mother of your child. When I did that, I was able to start the healing process in my own situation. And in time it allowed me to be open up to accepting the love of another woman who became the love of my life and gave me many years of love and happiness before she succumbed to breast cancer. There is no way that this would have happened if I had chosen to continue feeding the hatred and bitterness from my first W's affairs.

 

As I said before, the shame is on her as a woman not on you as a man. Unlike you, she will have to live for the rest of her life with the knowledge that she destroyed a good marriage and lost the love of a good man, and for what? Better being you than being her.

Edited April 3, 2011 by TMCM
add

[WorldIsYours]

You have every right to be angry and to end the marriage but please consider that for your own emotional health and that of your child that you MUST the start the forgiveness process ASAP. Now before you start blasting me, please allow me to explain what I mean by forgiveness.

 

Forgiveness has nothing to do with whether or not she deserves it, nor forgetting nor condoning what she has done. No, forgiveness means that you will give up the burning desire to seek revenge on her by punishing her with emotional abuse. Forgiveness IS NOT reconciliation nor it implies that reconciliation will take place. Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself so that the natural hatred and bitterness you are experiencing, do not poison your heart for the rest of your life. Forgiveness is the most powerful show of strength you can show to others, including her. It shows her that you refuse to be her victim and that you will thrive without her.

 

How can you start doing this? by changing your mindset in how you view her. She is no longer your W but ONLY the mother of your child. When I did that, I was able to start the healing process in my own situation. And in time it allowed me to be open up to accepting the love of another woman who became the love of my life and gave me many years of love and happiness before she succumbed to breast cancer. There is no way that this would have happened if I had chosen to continue feeding the hatred and bitterness from my first W's affairs.

 

As I said before, the shame is on her as a woman not on you as a man. Unlike you, she will have to live for the rest of her life with the knowledge that she destroyed a good marriage and lost the love of a good man, and for what? Better being you than being her.

 

He doesn't have to forgive her to move on, and the man just found out! And look at how she's acting. Her being the mother doesn't dissolve the fact she destroyed the man and the marriage.

[GiannasPapa]

Well she makes a lot more than what I make so she pays all of the bills in that big ass house so that is why I'm staying with my mom. I can't stop her from getting in there if she wishes. She basically owns that house.

 

I am so sorry for what you are going through my friend. I have been there more than once...

 

Just remember that the rules have been changing. And women have been the key drivers for the massive societal changes in the last 40 years. I am frequently troubled by how easily men just cave in and don't realize that "equal rights" applies to all of us. Women are not a protected class that get special treatment.

 

How many women have thrown their sole breadwinning husbands out of the house for cheating and felt no qualms about it? Thousands? Millions? All the while their support systems applaud what they have done because "the dog deserved it"?

 

I know you probably will find this surprising, but in the inevitable feud that will escalate when she can't get into the home happens, I can guarantee that you will have no problem explaining to *any* authorities the reasons for your actions. I know you want to protect her, but she dug both of you into this mess and she must deal with the repercussions.

 

Lock her out, consult with at least one attorney so that you understand your options and can continue to behave from a position of power because you know your rights and the gravity of what she has done.

 

Just remember that one of the saddest aspects of human nature is our unbelievable selfishness and ability to compartmentalize what our actions to do to others.

 

My take is that the affair with the OM is not over by a longshot. She is resisting your rule about quitting her job partly because she is still getting her ya-ya's out with the OM.

 

You haven't brought up the anger yet, but I know you are probably thinking some really really bad thoughts about the OM. Do NOT act on any of them or tell anyone. Keep the thoughts to yourself and take the excellent advice from ResevoirDog and start pummeling a punching bag or something like that. And make sure and do it in private. I've had therapists tell me to do such things and mistakenly done them where the "anger inducing female" could see. Then they can make hay about you being threatening or some other such nonsense. Never underestimate the human ability to deny responsibility and to attack the already beaten down just because we can get away with it.

 

There are many options here for you, none of them wrong. I just want to add my voice to the chorus that is saying that you need to keep the upper hand and make sure she can see real consequences for her actions.

 

Believe me, once you start talking to a divorce attorney you will start feeling a lot better. Do not believe any of the voices you may be hearing that tell you this is your fault, or that you may not find someone else. I don't know if that is happening for you but just know those thoughts are bogus.

 

My vote is to change the locks, toss her cheating butt out so she can chill out in a hotel or (more likely) with one of her many sympathetic friends that will help her out regardless of how much of a naughty girl she has been. Women tend to have lots of those friends that have the kind of weak morals that allow them to excuse bad behavior.

 

Look, I know this is hard for her too and she did the right thing by telling you, but that is merely a drop in the bucket compared to all the things she needs to do for you to rebuild the trust and save the marriage.

 

It isn't about you, it's about her and her mistake. Don't forget that. Create serious consequences for her in spite of your paternal instinct to protect your brood. It will be better for all of you in the long run.

 

I'd also treat the advice on these boards from WS's, both former and practicing, with a HUGE grain of salt. SR may be truly on her way to rebuilding the relationship she nearly squandered, but believe me when I tell you that her husband is having a much harder time even now than she lets on.

 

Remember that us dudes get it my man. All the best to you and STAY STRONG!!

 

S

[TMCM]

He doesn't have to forgive her to move on, and the man just found out! And look at how she's acting. Her being the mother doesn't dissolve the fact she destroyed the man and the marriage.

 

I agree that it is very recent and that what he is feeling is very natural and is what all of us went through in the past but I strongly beg to differ with your assertion that he can emotionally move on in a healthy fashion if he eventually doesn't give up the burning desire to punish her (as much as she deserves it).

 

Have you ever witnessed the vitriol between ex-spouses who so hate each other so much that they use their children as weapons of war? Have you seen what that does to the children? I have and those children end up being traumatized with issues that often follows them into adulthood.

 

NO ONE, whether BS or WS, has a right to use his/her children as cannon fodder. NO ONE.

[WorldIsYours]

I agree that it is very recent and that what he is feeling is very natural and is what all of us went through in the past but I strongly beg to differ with your assertion that he can emotionally move on in a healthy fashion if he eventually doesn't give up the burning desire to punish her (as much as she deserves it).

 

How is he punishing her?

 

Have you ever witnessed the vitriol between ex-spouses who so hate each other so much that they use their children as weapons of war?

 

And out of how many of them, who are the ones that really care about the children? Cheaters use their children to cheat also. Taking them with them on their trips to see the other man/woman.

 

Have you seen what that does to the children? I have and those children end up being traumatized with issues that often follows them into adulthood.

 

Cheating traumatizes children also. Taking time away with their children to get a nut off with someone who's not married to them.

 

NO ONE, whether BS or WS, has a right to use his/her children as cannon fodder. NO ONE.

 

But he's not using his son as cannon fodder just because he's keeping him at his mother's. I would too. Besides he's doing nothing but standing his ground and protecting himself and his child.

[GiannasPapa]

How is he punishing her?

 

 

 

And out of how many of them, who are the ones that really care about the children? Cheaters use their children to cheat also. Taking them with them on their trips to see the other man/woman.

 

 

 

Cheating traumatizes children also. Taking time away with their children to get a nut off with someone who's not married to them.

 

 

 

But he's not using his son as cannon fodder just because he's keeping him at his mother's. I would too. Besides he's doing nothing but standing his ground and protecting himself and his child.

 

Yes, women are not the only ones allowed to play the "protecting the children" card. What message does it send to the child by letting one of their primary role model get away with wrongdoing? I posit that throwing her out into the cold awhile will actually be good for the child so long as the explanation is age appropriate.

 

This man is at the beginning of a long painful road that was created by his cheating wife. Let's not forget that.

 

I think creating new rules based on the "new situation" that was created solely by her is completely appropriate to protect this poor man's sanity and to allow him time to begin to heal.

 

If she is so well heeled then I don't think there will be any undue hardship on her imposed by giving him time to heal as a family unit without her in the picture for now.

 

I'm new to these boards but am so surprised by the wisdom I have found here in just a day of reading. You folks know some stuff!

 

180 her, my friend, 180 her!! It don't matter if she is officially "in the fog" just show her that her mistake is going to cost her dearly. Yes, it's risky, if oneofall truly still loves her and would still like to heal the marriage, but isn't it way way too early for him to be deciding that sort of thing?

 

Let him heal and process with him being the one that controls the situation. She has been controlling and scheming for months now right? And she is the wrong doer!

 

Yes, I have sympathy for her and for how we get ourselves into these pickles but that is completely beside the point. Nor is it about "vengeance" or any of the other stuff that folks seem to now be bringing up! I'm not an "eye for an eye" kind of person at all. It's about rules and repercussions. Period.

[GiannasPapa]

 

Get a copy of the marriage license, then the next time you see your wife, hand it to her and say: "Oh by the way the next time you want to shove something up your @ss, use this."

 

 

LO-friggin'-L!!

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I'm 32 years old and married to my wife of 6 years with our son. Last night she told me she had a one-night-stand with her coworker last year in September. She said she thought by trying to move on from it, the guilt would go away but it's been eating her up. Said she couldn't go another day looking at me and our son, knowing she done wrong. We ended up in a big argument that woke up the little one and he was crying. Luckily we had to stop to take care of him to get him to calm down.

 

I don't know what to do. She looks like a different person to me now.

 

 

 

The main reason she would tell you of such a dalliance (in the event that you wouldn't likely find out otherwise) is to inspire you to initiate a break-up with her, because she is too chicken to do the initiating.

 

Were it not for that, her actions serve only to aggravate you, and clearly there is no direct benefit to doing so for either side.

[dreamingoftigers]

Dreamingoftigers I've been looking into EMDR therapy and it sounds like it can help, if only I can find someone near my area.

 

She called again yesterday to tell me she was going to quit her job this week. I laughed at her. I told her quitting her job is not going to change a damn thing about us and how she was on Friday. I could tell she was frustrated when she breathed hard on the phone. She said well what do I want her to do and I said I want her to leave me alone. She said can she at least see our son and I said fine as long as she doesn't come around with all of that bull**** then I hung up.

 

One minute I want her to leave me alone and the next I think about us somewhere in the future together again.

 

You are going to oscillate being up and down, hope and crash for awhile until you figure it out.

 

That's why I recommend to BSs not to make any quick moves. Some can get past it and they divorce too quick and then they have regret. Others commit and forgive and then discover that they cannot move past it and feel trapped and resentful of their spouse.

 

Do not let your spouse push your decision at this point. Tell her you need more time which is exactly what you need.

Furthermore, her actions are going to need to reflect the words for even a 10% chance of reconciliation. I know that it is an insanely difficult choice with a child.

 

Get into see someone as quick as possible because after a few sessions the relief will be worth its weight in gold.

 

I assume that you are in the US?

[dreamingoftigers]

The main reason she would tell you of such a dalliance (in the event that you wouldn't likely find out otherwise) is to inspire you to initiate a break-up with her, because she is too chicken to do the initiating.

 

Were it not for that, her actions serve only to aggravate you, and clearly there is no direct benefit to doing so for either side.

 

This is not true, if you read about WS you will find that the women often find the guilt too overwhelming and hard on their self-worth after awhile.

 

I am not saying that this poster or I am right. I am saying that no one can know what her motive was for telling you. This poster is not able to read her mind.

 

There are also more rational ways to push for a breakup.

[WorldIsYours]

This is not true, if you read about WS you will find that the women often find the guilt too overwhelming and hard on their self-worth after awhile.

 

And if you read even more about WSs you'll find that their motives are for their benefit only. There are stories similar to OP's, and confessing a trickle-truth is a well-known tactic of cheaters.

 

I am not saying that this poster or I am right. I am saying that no one can know what her motive was for telling you. This poster is not able to read her mind.

 

Her motive has been clear from the start.

 

There are also more rational ways to push for a breakup.

 

And cheaters instinctively know this information, yet they still consciously choose to engage in an affair.

[dreamingoftigers]

And if you read even more about WSs you'll find that their motives are for their benefit only. There are stories similar to OP's, and confessing a trickle-truth is a well-known tactic of cheaters.

 

Her motive has been clear from the start.

 

And cheaters instinctively know this information, yet they still consciously choose to engage in an affair.

 

You may be entirely right.

[TMCM]

How is he punishing her?

 

Nobody said that he was. My point is that his natural emotional reactions can become the seeds of emotional abuse after the dust has settled. He needs to continue be the one parent his son can count on for emotional stability.

 

And out of how many of them, who are the ones that really care about the children? Cheaters use their children to cheat also. Taking them with them on their trips to see the other man/woman.

 

Cheating traumatizes children also. Taking time away with their children to get a nut off with someone who's not married to them.

 

You get no argument from me there but everyone is responsible for his/her behavior and just because she chooses to act badly as a parent does not mean he has to do the same.

 

But he's not using his son as cannon fodder just because he's keeping him at his mother's. I would too. Besides he's doing nothing but standing his ground and protecting himself and his child.

 

Again nobody said he was. And hopefully he never will.

 

WIY, my point is that he needs to be careful that anger and bitterness do not take permanent residency in his heart.

 

As somebody once said Pain is inevitable, Misery is optional