So shocked

[WorldIsYours]

Nobody said that he was. My point is that his natural emotional reactions can become the seeds of emotional abuse after the dust has settled.

 

So you're deeming him incapable of controlling himself after this whole charade is over?

 

He needs to continue be the one parent his son can count on for emotional stability.

 

Which is exactly what he's still doing, considering he's been dealt multiple, devasting blows by his cheating wife. He should be hailed as a saint for not going off the reservation and continuing to be there to nurture and protect his precious son.

 

You get no argument from me there but everyone is responsible for his/her behavior and just because she chooses to act badly as a parent does not mean he has to do the same.

 

But from your perception, is he doing anything wrong, or do you feel he's wrong for not letting his wife manipulate him any further?

 

Again nobody said he was. And hopefully he never will.

 

WIY, my point is that he needs to be careful that anger and bitterness do not take permanent residency in his heart.

 

There goes that word again. Why do people always say this? Is it because they see a man who's not willing to stand down to his destructive, health-risking wife, or is it because of old universal, double-standards that people expect husbands to follow when their wife is "acting out of line?"

 

As somebody once said Pain is inevitable, Misery is optional

 

Well that shouldn't even be discussed because the man just found out, and he has a right to be angry over what his wife has done to him. Besides no one truly gets over the betrayal, it just goes down to the size of a dot.

[TMCM]

So you're deeming him incapable of controlling himself after this whole charade is over?

 

That is your perception.

 

Which is exactly what he's still doing, considering he's been dealt multiple, devasting blows by his cheating wife. He should be hailed as a saint for not going off the reservation and continuing to be there to nurture and protect his precious son.

 

My first W, with whom I had 2 daughters (their mine btw, DNA you know) was a serial cheater and probably a thousand times worse than his, does that make me God?

 

But from your perception, is he doing anything wrong, or do you feel he's wrong for not letting his wife manipulate him any further?

 

So far he's doing damn good, but why do you feel the need to hide your statements as loaded questions?

 

There goes that word again. Why do people always say this? Is it because they see a man who's not willing to stand down to his destructive, health-risking wife, or is it because of old universal, double-standards that people expect husbands to follow when their wife is "acting out of line?"

 

They say it because it's the truth. Does it hurt?

 

Well that shouldn't even be discussed because the man just found out, and he has a right to be angry over what his wife has done to him. Besides no one truly gets over the betrayal, it just goes down to the size of a dot.

 

Why not? When should it be discussed? So you're deeming him incapable of controlling himself?

[WorldIsYours]

That is your perception.

 

Okay.

 

 

 

My first W, with whom I had 2 daughters (their mine btw, DNA you know) was a serial cheater and probably a thousand times worse than his, does that make me God?

 

Both are bad.

 

 

So far he's doing damn good, but why do you feel the need to hide your statements as loaded questions?

 

I'm not, I was being direct with you.

 

 

 

They say it because it's the truth. Does it hurt?

 

But it's not the truth.

 

 

 

Why not? When should it be discussed? So you're deeming him incapable of controlling himself?

 

I asked you the same question.

[Richard Friedman]

Some posters here say the fact that she confessed shows she loves you...maybe so, but probably as as a caring, steady, provider type. She let this guy do things with her that she's probably never even contemplated with you. Point blank this means that you're not the guy who makes her wild with lust. She does not and probably never has envisioned you in that light of sex god/stud. You're just the stable nice guy who won't let her down and she appreciates that, but she is simply not that that attracted to you. If you're fine with second-rate kind of affection then by all means reconcile, but trust me. As a man the knowledge that you do not push your own wife's buttons sexually is gonna tear you up inside as long as you're with her. You will become a sad self-loathing shell.

[Richard Friedman]

This is part of a trend of our modern post-sexual revolution of society. In their youth woman don't give the average, nice guy the time of day but go around getting nailed by all the studs/high rollers they can find; but when it comes time to settle down they're go back to the more stable but probably less experienced guy who's just happy to be there. Perhaps they subconsciously know that the top 10% of guys have too many options and are not suitable for LTRs?

[WorldIsYours]

Some posters here say the fact that she confessed shows she loves you...maybe so, but probably as as a caring, steady, provider type. She let this guy do things with her that she's probably never even contemplated with you. Point blank this means that you're not the guy who makes her wild with lust. She does not and probably never has envisioned you in that light of sex god/stud. You're just the stable nice guy who won't let her down and she appreciates that, but she is simply not that that attracted to you. If you're fine with second-rate kind of affection then by all means reconcile, but trust me. As a man the knowledge that you do not push your own wife's buttons sexually is gonna tear you up inside as long as you're with her. You will become a sad self-loathing shell.

 

Exactly. He needs a woman who will view him as an equal and not treat him with disrespect. This woman is just a plain skank with a ring on her finger, not a wife. She thinks he's just the average guy who's a good partner. Typical selfish tramp who looks down on hard-working, dedicated men.

[Oneofall]

You guys are right, especially you Richard. Reconciling with my wife will probably not work, knowing she had someone better than me and did things with him she never wanted to try with me. It makes me furious, sad, and rejected. And looking towards the future with this on my mind makes me choke when I want to speak.

[dreamingoftigers]

You guys are right, especially you Richard. Reconciling with my wife will probably not work, knowing she had someone better than me and did things with him she never wanted to try with me. It makes me furious, sad, and rejected. And looking towards the future with this on my mind makes me choke when I want to speak.

 

I hear you. My husband has destroyed my esteem in that way. I am waiting until he is done treatment to see if anything can even be done but I doubt it. It' s pretty permanent when they let you know that they think you are inadequate.

[dreamingoftigers]

Oneofall of course it is up to you and no judgement here, you are the wounded party.

 

However. Everybody will let you down sometime. One one night stand and she told you on her own, out of guilt. I think that can be worked with. You have a child together, careful there.

 

If you have to, go have a fling, if that's what it takes to get some of the bad feelings out of your system. Then, you do her anally, that's the big difference, okay so what, whatever he can do you can do too. Btw it was very stupid of her to say that to you but it is not in any way saying he is the better lover.

 

When you're only with one person, a stranger's touch can then be totally electrifying. Just. Because. It's. Different. See? Don't make that bigger than it is.

 

So all that and then take your wife to marriage counseling. You do not throw away six plus years and a family over a one time lapse. Next time who knows, for one thing or another, it may be you who needs forgiveness. That's my opinion. Sorry and good luck.

 

Um, it wasn't a one-night stand, she trickle-truthed him. She nailed the guy until January.

[WorldIsYours]

Oneofall of course it is up to you and no judgement here, you are the wounded party. However. Everybody will let you down sometime. One one night stand and she told you on her own, out of guilt. I think that can be worked with. You have a child together, careful there.

 

Everyone is not perfect, but that doesn't excuse her selfish decision to engage in an affair. And she told him it's been happening more than once, which shows she trickle-truthed and is probably keeping more things from him. Affairs are dealbreakers for a lot of people and a child in the mix doesn't mean he automatically has to stay in a miserable relationship.

 

If you have to, go have a fling, if that's what it takes to get some of the bad feelings out of your system.

 

Now why would you encourage him to make a bad situation worse by sticking his wood in another woman and putting his life in even more danger? That's not going to make him feel better and he has more important things to do such as protecting himself and his child.

 

 

Then, you do her anally, that's the big difference, okay so what, whatever he can do you can do too.

 

Just accept her sloppy seconds, right?

 

When you're only with one person, a stranger's touch can then be totally electrifying. Just. Because. It's. Different. See? Don't make that bigger than it is.

 

That doesn't excuse her callous and destructive behavior. And her screwing someone else and doing things she never did with her husband is a very big problem.

 

So all that and then take your wife to marriage counseling.

 

So accept her sloppy seconds and then take the hoe to a biased shrink who tells him that he's somehow at fault for her cheating, right? And keep ramming it in her, hoping everything will be better, eh?

 

You do not throw away six plus years and a family over a one time lapse.

 

^^^^^

 

And you people think I'm bitter and cynical when I post, just look at his.

 

Next time who knows, for one thing or another, it may be you who needs forgiveness. That's my opinion. Sorry and good luck.

 

Wow.

[TMCM]

Oneofall of course it is up to you and no judgement here, you are the wounded party.

 

However. Everybody will let you down sometime. One one night stand and she told you on her own, out of guilt. I think that can be worked with. You have a child together, careful there.

 

If you have to, go have a fling, if that's what it takes to get some of the bad feelings out of your system. Then, you do her anally, that's the big difference, okay so what, whatever he can do you can do too. Btw it was very stupid of her to say that to you but it is not in any way saying he is the better lover.

 

SE check this comment from Oneofall:

 

She said she started talking to him in July last year and had sex with him in September. I asked her did she have sex with him more than once and she said yes. I asked her when was the last time they did it and she said in January

 

Doing the math, let's see that would make it 5 months, close to half a year.

 

This woman has very serious and unresolved personal issues that disqualifies from marriage. Maybe a divorce is what she needs in order to finally look herself in the mirror, acknowledge said issues and seek out professional help.

[Binster]

I know you say your wife makes more dough than you and that she's paying for the house, but as husband I think you will find your due more of the marriage''s assets than you think. But no matter what, you should be geting in to see a good lawyer fast to find out your rights both to your child and the marriage assets, before she gets there first and blind sides you.

[Oneofall]

Onefall,

Can you give some more background on your relationship, what led up to the affair, and what she has told you? Not trying to pry, just trying to understand the full picture

 

Nothing much to say. I guess the only problems we had were me being in the military for 3 years. With me being overseas, it was really difficult for both of us and when I got discharged last year it took some time for both of us to get used to each other again, especially me dealing with PTSD. So we went to marital counseling for 5 months and I went to individual counseling to deal with my own set of issues.

[dreamingoftigers]

Nothing much to say. I guess the only problems we had were me being in the military for 3 years. With me being overseas, it was really difficult for both of us and when I got discharged last year it took some time for both of us to get used to each other again, especially me dealing with PTSD. So we went to marital counseling for 5 months and I went to individual counseling to deal with my own set of issues.

 

How is the quest for EMDR going?

[Oneofall]

I know you say your wife makes more dough than you and that she's paying for the house, but as husband I think you will find your due more of the marriage''s assets than you think. But no matter what, you should be geting in to see a good lawyer fast to find out your rights both to your child and the marriage assets, before she gets there first and blind sides you.

 

I went and saw mine today actually, so I'm ready. About the marital assets I really don't want her money. She worked hard for it and I have my own. The only thing I'm really shooting for is full custody of my son. And I know the chances are low but I'm going for it anyway.

[Oneofall]

How is the quest for EMDR going?

 

One word: Expensive.

[TMCM]

I went and saw mine today actually, so I'm ready. About the marital assets I really don't want her money. She worked hard for it and I have my own. The only thing I'm really shooting for is full custody of my son. And I know the chances are low but I'm going for it anyway.

 

Assuming you are right that she gets custody of your son, why not use your half of the money she earned, which is community property anyway, to benefit your son by creating a scholarship fund for your son? Can you think of a better use of that money?

[D-Lish]

So in other words, she selfishly and sucessfully unloaded her own guilt and managed to put all the suffering she was experiencing onto you and her child.

 

People may label her outpouring of truth as a noble act, but I don't buy it.

 

Now that you know what she did- how can you reconcile with such a brutal truth?

[Oneofall]

Assuming you are right that she gets custody of your son, why not use your half of the money she earned, which is community property anyway, to benefit your son by creating a scholarship fund for your son? Can you think of a better use of that money?

 

Charity.

[TMCM]

Charity.

 

LOL! very true but then again charity begins at home.

 

Great to see you laugh in the face of adversity, but then again you were in the military.

[Oneofall]

Now that you know what she did- how can you reconcile with such a brutal truth?

 

I guess divorcing is the only way for me to cope with the brutal truth that I'm not her Ace. It's humiliating to my feelings but like my superiors said when I was in training, there's only one way to go and it's forward.

[Oneofall]

LOL! very true but then again charity begins at home.

 

Great to see you laugh in the face of adversity, but then again you were in the military.

 

Thanks man.

[dreamingoftigers]

One word: Expensive.

 

Three words: Absolutely worth it.

[woundedheart]

Glad to hear you're getting help with the PTSD. That's really hard to live with, my WH has it. I hope you know that I wasn't even commenting on your situation on my thread but about the reactions to your thread. What your wife did was inexcusable. I spent 20 years as a navy wife. Using the life to in anyway justify cheating is a load of garbage. So don't believe that played a role. People with integrity don't cheat, period.

[D-Lish]

I guess divorcing is the only way for me to cope with the brutal truth that I'm not her Ace. It's humiliating to my feelings but like my superiors said when I was in training, there's only one way to go and it's forward.

 

Well that's what I did when I found out my exH had cheated. Loving him was never going to be enough to get over his affair- I just knew myself, and knew our relationship never had a chance of survival after the truth came out.

 

Some people can push their way through it, but I knew in my heart I'd never be the forgiving spouse that would be able to put that knowledge in a box and keep that box closed.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this.