So shocked

[Oneofall]

Three words: Absolutely worth it.

 

Okay.:D:D

[Oneofall]

Glad to hear you're getting help with the PTSD. That's really hard to live with, my WH has it. I hope you know that I wasn't even commenting on your situation on my thread but about the reactions to your thread. What your wife did was inexcusable. I spent 20 years as a navy wife. Using the life to in anyway justify cheating is a load of garbage. So don't believe that played a role. People with integrity don't cheat, period.

 

Thanks Woundedheart. Twenty-years? Wow.

[Oneofall]

Well that's what I did when I found out my exH had cheated. Loving him was never going to be enough to get over his affair- I just knew myself, and knew our relationship never had a chance of survival after the truth came out.

 

Some people can push their way through it, but I knew in my heart I'd never be the forgiving spouse that would be able to put that knowledge in a box and keep that box closed.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

Thanks D-Lish. I honestly thought I could hang in there but I tried.

[D-Lish]

Thanks D-Lish. I honestly thought I could hang in there but I tried.

 

Well you might be different than me, I didn't have children with my exH- so we didn't have that common element to pull us together and rise above it.

 

Maybe you do have that? I don't know.

 

I just don't buy into her unloading her guilt onto YOUR lap after the fact. Everyone loves to spew the benefits of knowing the truth, like it makes everything better, but it doesn't always. Why, after a year did she decide to turn around and tell you what happened? I'm sorry, I don't see that as a noble action. She felt guilty, so she decided she was going to unload her suffering onto you and your child.

 

I'm sorry, but the reality is that she could have kept it to herself, reconciled with what she did to you and gone on to be a better wife. You probably never would have been the wiser. Sometimes telling the truth- is more selfish than philanthropic, because she essentially unleashed her burden onto you and her family, and now it's become your problem.

 

You may not agree, I'm not sure. But the whole act of cheating was selfish- and a part of me believes that telling you so you can take on her suffering is an extension of that selfishness.

 

I know it comes down to what I don't know won't hurt me, and that's not a wonderful way to spend a marriage with someone- but why did she wait so long to tell you??? I just see it as her unburdening herself at your expense, and that sucks as much as finding out she cheated:o

[worldover98]

Hey Oneofall:

 

We all are human, and no one is perfect. It seems like we hold this "sex" thing as the ultimate, most sacred of violations on our being. We must not, otherwise it will kill everything. Your woman had a fling and admitted it to you perhaps because she thought she knew you well enough to be forgiving. But apparently not. And how was your love life before this? Did you hook up much or if not, talk about it? She got loose, and bam, things happened! Like I knew a single mom of two kids who got bombed from drinking one night, which she never did before, climbed behind the wheel of her car, had an accident, broke her legs, and killed two people. Devastating! Then she did 5 years in prison without parole! Look at all of the hurt and pain on both sides...

 

Seems folks these dayz are hell bent on revenge all the time and fail to see a bigger brighter side to things. Maybe with tragedies that have happened in my life, I try to be more of an optimist about things. Forgiving is one of the highest virtues a human being can have...something lost in today's world. Think about it

Edited April 5, 2011 by worldover98

[TMCM]

Forgiving is one of the highest virtues a human being can have...something lost in today's world. Think about it

 

Forgiveness is a controversial concept. For many, it is synonymous with condoning. But for others, myself included, it is not condoning and it doesn't absolve the offender from facing the natural consequences of his/her actions (i.e. divorce, prison, dismissal, etc). It is making peace with an ugly reality that cannot be undone for the purposes of healing oneself and moving on with life.

 

As I said in an earlier post, forgiveness and reconciliation are two totally different things. One does not necessarily follow the other and in many cases it should not. In the case of infidelity, forgiveness is more essential than reconciliation for all parties involved. Indeed, my divorce from my first W, was the catalyst for her rock bottoming which caused her to finally face and address her demons from her childhood.

 

Forever holding on to anger and bitterness will ultimately destroy a person. Someone once said 'Resentment is like taking poison expecting the other person to die'. How very true.

[Chi townD]

All I can say is don't make any snap decisions just yet. See a lawyer and see what your options are. Right now, you're on a roller coaster of emotions. Don't believe anthing your wife is telling you. She said she's quiting her job at the end of the week. I highly doubt that without anything else set up.

 

Your emotions are probably all over the place and your ego is probably crushed beyond belief! And yet, other times you feel like you can't go on without her, and then other times you feel like she's the last person you ever want to see again. Then, you entertain thoughs of working things out, then you feel you need to file right away....I have a feeling you're feeling this way a lot. Number one, take a deep breath and try to relax. Number two, no snap decisions. Number three, talk to someone....keep posting here if it helps but also, see a Doctor, talk to a conselor or a preist or pastor. Number four, focus on your son, he might be young but he knows something isn't right and you need to shower him with love and comfort. Number five, and this is VERY important for you to understand, THIS ISN'T YOUR FAULT!!!!! You can take the blame for 50% of the problems within your marriage, but the affair is 100% on her. She my try to blame you for her affair...You had PTSD and were emotionally cut off from me...blah...blah.... this is blameshifting, don't buy into it.

 

Keep us posted!!!!!

[Baroness67]

I have been thinking about this thread all day, as it closely mirrors my own experience in most respects. The two major differences being that I am not the major wage-earner and I am a betrayed wife. Actually, one way in which this thread gave me some major insight is that for a long time in the beginning, I was the one most worried about how I would keep it together financially if my husband ran off with the woman he was cheating with. I never had it in my head that I would take him for whatever he was worth, I was seriously worried if I would be able to keep our house on divided assets, child support and/or alimony. Strangely enough, it didn't actually occur to me that my husband would be worried about the same thing.

 

I do remember that one thing that surprised him (and we are going back about 2 years, to the months where divorce was on the horizon every other week) was that if we divorced, I was going to ask for 50/50 joint custody. That shocked him. I think he thought I was going to ask for full custody and he was going to say "fine." At that time, however, I had figured out that all he wanted was to act like he was 30 years old again - just with a bigger bank account. He didn't want a wife - any wife - or kids. It was a classic MLC.

 

Anyway, I was going over the differences between my WH's behavior and that of the WW of the OP. Originally I did a lot of snooping, mostly because I didn't know if I needed dirt for a divorce or not. We are both in an at-fault state, and it also might have potentially hit the fan for my H if the affair were revealed in terms of his career. Although my brain cells were working, and of course knew that a hit to his career was a hit to the standard of living for myself and my kids. Anyway ....

 

I snooped for a while, and then stopped. I realized I could GPS my H all I wanted, and analyze all his emails, etc. - but these were the trees, not the forest. What was my forest?

 

This is what I think the OP needs to decide. It might be very different from the male perspective, and I suspect it is. However, my perspective was to protect my family and my financial position. I was not the unfaithful one. Why should my family's security decline because of his bad choice? And I was going to be damned if I was going to let the OW be the beneficiary of any portion of my children's secure lifestyle.

 

In this way, I'm glad my parents were divorced and I went through that hell. It prepared me for what NOT to do when it happened to me.

 

In a way I have realized that I made a lot of mental concessions a few years ago because my husband was the wage earner. I endured more than I should have. I could have very well have realized that by my boring lifestyle of being there 100% for the kids and house, I was just as valuable to my husband as he was to me. Only my 100% coverage made it possible for him to live his lifestyle with a family and home base in the background (and yes, I took care of his parents as well).

 

In the OP's case, however, it strikes me that she's the worst of the cake-eaters. She's not apologetic or open, she doesn't make any money, she takes a ton of money, and it seems that the OP is the one who, to the best of his ability, is taking care of the kids and home. Or at least is doing more than his fair share.

 

OP, all I can say is that I wish you were my husband even if only in that you take such an interest in your marriage and family. I'm not sure how I would do back in the world of dating, not that I care, I'm done with that - but you'd be a catch under any definition of the word.

 

Your wife - not so great. As a woman, I'm always trying to see the female point of view, but I can't in your wife's case. She seems really, really limited and selfish. And, the sex information totally bothered me. She's lying to you. No way do you try anal sex on a first an only time - no matter in that it was a lie anyway - but sex last January plus no access to passwords - that's not great.

 

I think you could get out of this marriage with joint custody and be fine. It's one thing to be married to someone where you make lots of concessions, but I'm paid for my concessions. Well paid. You're making concessions and you are paying FOR them. That's getting kicked in the $$$ and making sure you turn around to give them the best angle when they kick you.

 

I hope that makes sense.

[Oneofall]

Hello guys it's been a while.

 

Me and wife are separated still. Wife has been relentlessly trying to get me back but I'm just not having it. The pain is too great. We went out on a date a few weeks ago but I got upset and left her. I have went back to hunting and it keeps me steady and helps me relax.

 

Just wanted to update for you guys.

[SoulStorm]

Hello guys it's been a while.

 

Me and wife are separated still. Wife has been relentlessly trying to get me back but I'm just not having it. The pain is too great. We went out on a date a few weeks ago but I got upset and left her. I have went back to hunting and it keeps me steady and helps me relax.

 

Just wanted to update for you guys.

 

Thanks for the update.

Is she still working with the OM and do you still have your son?

[Oneofall]

Thanks for the update.

Is she still working with the OM and do you still have your son?

 

Yes she still works with OM and yes I still have our son. She comes to see him regularly though. I have no problem with that as long as she stops trying to make conversation with me.

[Oneofall]

Dude, he is no better than you. That is why your wife wants back with you.

 

Look at it this way. Your penis may be a Rolls Royce and the OM's penis may be a Yugo, however, for a cheating wife that Yugo seems better. It feels better because it is a new sensation-------------new meat, strange, forbidden, etc.

 

The sex felt better because she was emotionally attached and the brain is the largest sex organ. OM probably has a very tint penis and that is why he needed anal sex to feel something.

 

I am more concerned about anal sex. Generally women have to prepare for that with enemas. Therefore, this was premeditated and not a ONS. Furthermore, it suggests they probably saw each other quite a bit before moving to the stage of anal sex.

 

The anal sex issue is a difficult one and you need to discuss this if you have some thoughts about reconciliation.

 

Reconciliation generally works with spouses that are truly remorseful.

 

Thanks Pierre. If you read my earlier posts I did actually find out that it wasn't just a ONS. Sucks for me but I'm moving on. I don't have time for liars.

[Oneofall]

Good for you. You are still young.

 

Do not forget you are the better man-------that is why she wants you back.

 

The pain will be shorter if you divorce.

 

The pain may last a lifetime if you stay.

 

And that is why I must move on. I will start from scratch in the future.

[robinsonr]

Wow. That really sucks. I'm sorry bro. God Bless you man.

[dale_gribble]

JESUS... For one thing you're not alone my brother. I'm currently in the same boat. I can't deal with the betrayal either. She also is relentless about "fixing" this. Nope. Not a chance. I actually told her that now she "could !@#$ him till her hearts content because I won't be around for her to feel guilty about it anymore. I actually didn't want all the gory details of what they did, know that they would piss me off and haunt me to neo end. That **** about her giving him anal, and not letting you do it- pissed the hell out of me too... what a ****ing bitch.

[Oneofall]

JESUS... For one thing you're not alone my brother. I'm currently in the same boat. I can't deal with the betrayal either. She also is relentless about "fixing" this. Nope. Not a chance. I actually told her that now she "could !@#$ him till her hearts content because I won't be around for her to feel guilty about it anymore. I actually didn't want all the gory details of what they did, know that they would piss me off and haunt me to neo end. That **** about her giving him anal, and not letting you do it- pissed the hell out of me too... what a ****ing bitch.

 

Thank you Dale. Why is it that they want you back after they had their share of new man? That makes me angry also.

 

The pain is an every day constant.

[nlpman]

I think your wife must love you a lot to come out with her admission after the time that had passed knowing what problems it could cause.

Counselling seems a good route to work it through, also if you are torturing yourself with horrible imaginary images, go and see a Timeline Practitioner.

They use a technique to remove negative emotions from past events, works great. We can really make good movies for ourselves, that hurt us and give us pain, we all have that skill, it can also be used for our benefit.

[ShatteredReality]

do not take the above posters advise just completely end it once a cheater always a cheater she used up dude start afresh like you have been doing it will be hard but you can do it.

 

So cliche. One a cheater always a cheater. That's plainly not true. Sometimes people do wrong or bad things and they learn from the mistakes that they make. If she's truly sorry for what she did and OP has even a small desire to work things out, then there's no reason not to give it a shot. Not saying he should or that it'll be the best situation - everyone is different....but I am saying that the old "once a cheater always a cheater" is far too generic and biased.

[ShatteredReality]

coming from a person who has cheated ah ok

 

Does that mean I am going to cheat again - automatically end of story that's all there is to it? No.

[ShatteredReality]

no it just means what you post is not creditable. Its likes companies sellin their products you know they arnt credible until the product is actually bought, thats what cheaters are like when they are talkin about cheating

 

]I would think a cheater who ceases to cheat would be credible - just the way Weight watchers uses former overweight people to plug their success, or how former addicts become mentors to help recovering addicts...it's a matter of a person having been in the situation and having first hand knowledge of what it's like to be there. A person who has never cheated would not understand the guilt and self loathing that accompanies such actions. Nor would they understand what it takes to scrape yourself off the pavement and try to rebuild yourself into someone deserving of happiness and love again. It's always easier to sit and point fingers at the errors of others, condemning them for eternity than to try to understand them and help them through their recovery.

 

Not all situations are the same - but not all cheaters become repeat offenders either. Sometimes there is a relationship to salvage, and sometimes the cheater really is sorry for their actions.

[rafallus]

]I would think a cheater who ceases to cheat would be credible - just the way Weight watchers uses former overweight people to plug their success, or how former addicts become mentors to help recovering addicts...it's a matter of a person having been in the situation and having first hand knowledge of what it's like to be there. A person who has never cheated would not understand the guilt and self loathing that accompanies such actions. Nor would they understand what it takes to scrape yourself off the pavement and try to rebuild yourself into someone deserving of happiness and love again. It's always easier to sit and point fingers at the errors of others, condemning them for eternity than to try to understand them and help them through their recovery.

 

Except former addicts absolutely can relapse into their habit, so I would take it all with two grains of salt. Metaphorically speaking, just because you won one battle, doesn't mean the war is over and you can hail yourself a king (or queen) of the world.

[ShatteredReality]

Except former addicts absolutely can relapse into their habit, so I would take it all with two grains of salt. Metaphorically speaking, just because you won one battle, doesn't mean the war is over and you can hail yourself a king (or queen) of the world.

 

I never made that claim. Nor will I ever make that claim. I am no queen. I am no one special at all. One thing that I did learn though - is that when I cheated...it was something awful that I did. It does not, however, define me as a person. If I allow it to define me - then yes I would probably be likely to cheat again. Recognizing the difference has helped me...and not to say I don't struggle through it all or anything of that sort - because I do. My H reassures me that I am not a terrible person...that I did a terrible thing, yes, but I am not a terrible person...and having him say such things means so much more to me - gives me more drive to want to prove to him he didn't make a mistake by reconciling...

 

I am not trying to threadjack or cause an argument...I won't be sitting here defending my position into the ground - likely your opinion will remain the same, as will mine....all I was trying to say was, if OP wants to reconcile or thinks there is a chance, it's not as hopeless as some would like to make it out to be. If "once a cheater, always a cheater" were in fact true - there would be no success stories for us to read about...and there are - plenty in fact. My story doesn't have to be the prime example...like I said - I'm no one special and I am no better than anybody else out there...there are plenty of other, much more encouraging stories. However, mine is still a success in it's own right...and therefore should not be discounted as complete bunk either.

Edited June 13, 2011 by ShatteredReality
sp

[Mr.Harris]

I never made that claim. Nor will I ever make that claim. I am no queen. I am no one special at all. One thing that I did learn though - is that when I cheated...it was something awful that I did. It does not, however, define me as a person. If I allow it to define me - then yes I would probably be likely to cheat again. Recognizing the difference has helped me...and not to say I don't struggle through it all or anything of that sort - because I do. My H reassures me that I am not a terrible person...that I did a terrible thing, yes, but I am not a terrible person...and having him say such things means so much more to me - gives me more drive to want to prove to him he didn't make a mistake by reconciling...

 

All the unfaithful try numerous times to convince themselves that what they did doesn't define them. If it didn't, then it should've never happened. You shouldn't reconcile if you're hoping to somehow remove the pain from him, you should be doing it because you want to make sure you never participate in that type of behavior for the rest of your life, whether with your H or with someone else.

 

I am not trying to threadjack or cause an argument...I won't be sitting here defending my position into the ground - likely your opinion will remain the same, as will mine....all I was trying to say was, if OP wants to reconcile or thinks there is a chance, it's not as hopeless as some would like to make it out to be. If "once a cheater, always a cheater" were in fact true - there would be no success stories for us to read about...and there are - plenty in fact. My story doesn't have to be the prime example...like I said - I'm no one special and I am no better than anybody else out there...there are plenty of other, much more encouraging stories. However, mine is still a success in it's own right...and therefore should not be discounted as complete bunk either.

And your story shall not be discounted. In fact, it will be held as the other prime examples of the effects of infidelity and how it transforms those touched by it. I wouldn't necessarily call it a success just because you're still married but nonetheless, it will not be discounted.

[wheelwright]

All the unfaithful try numerous times to convince themselves that what they did doesn't define them. If it didn't, then it should've never happened. You shouldn't reconcile if you're hoping to somehow remove the pain from him, you should be doing it because you want to make sure you never participate in that type of behavior for the rest of your life, whether with your H or with someone else.

 

And your story shall not be discounted. In fact, it will be held as the other prime examples of the effects of infidelity and how it transforms those touched by it. I wouldn't necessarily call it a success just because you're still married but nonetheless, it will not be discounted.

 

I wonder Mr Harris, what your definition of love would be?

 

And after that, of living a true and fulfilling life?

[Mr.Harris]

I wonder Mr Harris, what your definition of love would be?

 

That's a pretty good question. My definition of love would be full of hot sex and emotion with the person I care about, excluding all the secrecy involving other partners with kids and all that which creates infidelity. Telling her I love her and can't wait to "give it to her" without having to worry about a betrayed husband who doesn't know he's being played for a fool.

 

And after that, of living a true and fulfilling life?

 

Hypothetically? Well it would be me having a career I would like and just basically doing activities that interests me, along with a loving wife who is loyal and speaks her mind. It would be something everlasting, not over the course of a few months to a few years.

 

But that's what we all strive for, isn't it?