Depressed

[Chris]

I just got back from my friends wedding and I can't help but think of what might have been. My ex-fiance and I broke up 4 months ago and I thought I was over her but after seeing my buddy get married it brought back all the memories. They started dating the same time as us so it really hits home. We were to marry in July but things didn't work out. She couldn't handle my past of being married before and having kids. She wanted me all to herself and hated sharing time with me and my kids and other normal outside interests such as work and my kids extracurricular activities. Maybe it wouldn't have worked and it's too late now...she hasn't called or emailed since our break but today was so hard. They played the same song for their 1st dance as we had planned. All my friends there were either with their wives or girlfriends...I haven't even had a date sinece our break. I don't get it I'm a really nice guy, good looking and a great dad why doesn't the right one come along????? Right now I want her back so bad but know I will just make a fool out of myself if I call or write as she's obviously moved on. Happy endings never seem to happen to me...I've lost all faith in everything. I've had others I know that end realtionships and find others right away but it seems like I'm destined to spend my life alone or searching...I'm so lonely..I have so much to give but can't find my soulmate...maybe God is telling me something??? I still don't understand why I was put in the position to meet her only to have it go sour...why did I have to go thru this for the last year after a divorce from 15 yrs of marriage????? I feel like my life is spiraling out of control...I just want a women to love me for me not to try and control the situation or change me...where is she??????

[Paulie]

Hey, dude, listen to me. Things are pretty bad right now. Ponder that for a couple minutes. Now realize that you enjoyed some really great moments with this woman. You will find another woman to create new moments with. I hate to keep harping on the subject, but I'm gonna reiterate something Tony told me following my breakup. The Buddhist principle of the Eternal Now is extremely helpful. Basically, my take on this is that we really only have the present to work with. See the beauty of each moment in the present. Your feelings are pretty negative right now, but you, I'm sure, will agree, that they will change, for the better. I'm sure that you're depressed, but what does that say about you?---That you're capable of such feeling and caring for another person that you feel such overwhelming emotions right now. That's truly a gift from God. I'm sure you're a wonderful person, and I would suggest that you take some time to nurture yourself, and be good to yourself. Don't be afraid to let your hair down, in a sense. When YOU'RE READY, and not a moment sooner, you'll be able to begin looking again. Finally, it seems to me that you, like me (and to a certain degree, all of us) have a tendency to need other people in our lives in order to make ourselves complete. I have found that volunteering my time for others has proven extremely redemptive and healing in helping me with my own problems, which aren't all that different from yours. Just remember, you're not alone. There are people out there that really care for you. See a good shrink to help you get throught the worst parts of the grieving process. You'll Be Alright. Be in Peace.

 

[Tony T]

FIRST YOU WRITE: "She couldn't handle my past of being married before and having kids. She wanted me all to herself and hated sharing time with me and my kids and other normal outside interests such as work and my kids extracurricular activities."

 

THEN YOU WRITE: "Right now I want her back so bad but know I will just make a fool out of myself"

 

YOU ARE FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF AGAIN...I thought we got you through that once. Your ex, as I recall, was one of those beauty queen types that you love. She couldn't handle so much about your life and your love for your kids...and you would dare write that you want her back. YUK!!! She was the most selfish bxtch on the planet and you want her back. You put those kinds of vibrations out to the world and you may just get your wish.

 

THEN YOU WRITE: "I'm a really nice guy, good looking and a great dad why doesn't the right one come along?????"

 

The right one is out there. But many people are selfish. Givers like yourself so often attract takers. There is a book called "Givers and Takers." You should read it. Givers gravitate to takers...and then get taken. Your beauty queenies are especially prone to taking, not because they are totally aware of it, but because most guys kiss their butts so often they are sort of used to getting their way about everything.

 

I'm not telling you to lower your physical standards, but you better start looking far beyond a female's looks to find one with a generous, warm and loving soul or you are comdemned to be lonely for all the rest of your days on this planet. They are out there. But the great ones don't walk up to guys at clubs or bars. You meet them through friends and coworkers, at organization meetings, at Parents Without Partners groups...almost any decent place.

 

YOU ALSO WRITE: "I have so much to give but can't find my soulmate...maybe God is telling me something???"

 

Yes, God is telling you to pay attention to Tony or you'll get your butt kicked over and over until you get your act together. God will keep sending you users and losers until you learn that it is better to miss Miss America than to miss Ms. Right.

 

NEXT, IN YOUR OWN WORDS: "I still don't understand why I was put in the position to meet her only to have it go sour...why did I have to go thru this for the last year after a divorce from 15 yrs of marriage??????

 

Nobody put you anywhere but YOU. You have control. When are you going to learn that YOU control your life, YOU control the people you meet, and YOU control the people you select to have realtionships with. And why would you think you are so special that every time you met a honey, it would go great for years to come when we all have relationships that go sour sooner or later. Hey, that's just part of the love game. But the better you get a recognizing a good thing when you see it, the less likely things are apt to go sour.

 

YOUR LAST QUESTION: "I feel like my life is spiraling out of control...I just want a women to love me for me not to try and control the situation or change me...where is she??????"

 

Hey, you just got back from a wedding, not the holocaust. For Gawd's sake, some memories came out there and you are only human. You got sad. But you can screw your mind up to hell if you keep comparing other people's lifes to your own. Stop that now!!! You are responsible for your own life and others for theirs. You don't know how this marriage is going to turn out. But, when you settle down and stop feeling so damned sorry for yourself and become wise, you know that all things come in time. The right lady is around the corner...literally. I'm guaranteeing it. But this very minute she is thinking she doesn't want to meet a guy who feels sorry for himself, who is jealous because his friend got married and he didn't, somebody who feels his life is spiralling out of control, etc.

 

The woman of your dreams, who is right around the corner RIGHT NOW, is thinking she wants a MAN who can accept reality, learn from adversity, a man who can see beauty from all persepctives and who is not addicted to young chirpie, air-head, selfish beauty queens, a man who can grow in the face of pain, put his children first in all ways, and a man who wants her love.

 

Now all you have to do is be the right person for this lady and you will be the happiest dude on the planet.

 

Now go take a cold shower and STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF!!!

[Taressa]

Dear Depressed,

 

I hope the post-wedding blues have worn off and you're feeling a bit brighter about things.

 

My message may be a little strong-handed but maybe it will help you understand the lack of women in your life.

 

We just are not going to be attracted, even a tiny bit, to a man who is pining after an ex. We're just not going to desire a self-pitying man crying "why me oh why me". After four months there should be more signs of life in you; more signs that you're able to roll with life's punches, heal, forgive, and move on.

 

For now try working on building some relationships with friends you had before the pretty woman became an obsession. There was once a life you enjoyed, there was once something you enjoyed doing that made you feel happy or perhaps even unique. Surround yourself with friends true enough to speak the truth to you. They will help you rebuild a life, THEN you may start attracting the women.

 

Stop seeking your happiness in a woman. Happiness is yours to make or lose.