What would you do? It's long but pertient info

[jstarfire2]

My husband and I have been together for 16 years. I was 16 when we met he was 19. I got prego when I was 17 and we married eight years later when I got prego with our second child. Before we got married there were lots of ups n downs. He was very irresponsible and I had to pull him out of the drug scene a couple times. I always loved him and stood by him. After we got married things settled down and I figured we both had matured and we were settling into married life just fine. We both had good jobs and security we never had before. Then he lost his job a year after my daughter was born. It was difficult for him, but he was able to make money and I had my job while going to college. We started having troubles then because he would spend a lot of time on the computer and not help out much around the house. I learned to live with the burden of doing all the household jobs while having a full-time job and going to school. If I asked for help he would say ok and never do it or I would have to bitch at him to get it done. Not fun.

 

A couple years later I started "talking" to a guy over the internet. We never met or did anything but my husband found the messages. We worked past things and life was good. We bought a house got a dog and settled into a comfortable life. I was still unhappy with his procrastination and all the hours spent on the computer, but I was busy taking care of a toddler while going to college and working so I was fulfilled that way. Fast forward 2 more years (2008)...real estate market crashed and that was my career. Financial problems followed and my husband withdrew and became an abusive prick! He accused me of cheating constantly, verbally abusive, emotionally abusive; if I didn't give him sex I didn't love him. I tried talking to him. Telling him how I was feeling. Asked to go to marriage counseling. He said going to marriage counseling leads to divorce. By 2009 I was depressed. I tried my own business which failed. I started to have health problems. I looked to him for support, but he said he was stressed out too. By the end of 2009 I had enough. His abusive ways got worse. I tried getting a job, but if it was at night he wouldn't allow it. My health issues got worse as well. Of course we were losing the house and our debt was outta control.

 

Jan 2010 we planned a camping trip. I did all the planning and packing. I found out right before the trip that I had an ovarian cyst and I probably had endometriosis. My uterus was also messed up hence the painful sex. The day we got to the campground and started unpacking we realized that the air pump for the air mattresses was the wrong one. The broken one. Of course who got chewed out for that? Me because I had packed. In front of our children. He told me I never listened to him, that I blow him off all the time. He yelled at me so bad I cried and had to walk away. He was a jerk the rest of the camping trip. Wouldn't play games with us acted mean, never smiled. Bugged me for sex while sharing a tent with our two children. On top of all this I was in extreme pain from the cyst.

 

When we return from the trip I went back to the doctor and he tells me the cyst ruptured and we need to schedule emergency surgery that Friday. Surgery went well and I thought my health would get better. I had a mini breakdown after surgery though. We received foreclosure papers on the house. We were broke. I lost a good friend to breast cancer she was 38. I couldn't deal with it anymore. I called a domestic abuse hotline and found out my husband was indeed being abusive. I went to a local shelter for counseling and it was brought to my attention some sexual abuse I had dealt with in my earlier years. This I never discussed with my husband. I went to counseling and of course my husband demanded to be there too. Fine. When I told him I was unhappy with the treatment he was giving me he took this time to tell me the things HE was unhappy with. I didn't give him enough affection, sex, or treat him like the 'man" of the house. These are the reasons he gave for treating me the way he did. He never did acknowledge he was abusive towards me.

 

A month later I met someone. A nice sweet younger cute guy. This guy told me everything I needed and wanted to hear. I talked to him for a few weeks and we kissed and one thing leads to another. I slept with him once. It was wonderful. I thought I was in love. My husband hacked my computer and found messages. I didn't tell him right away we had sex because I was afraid of my husband. I finally told him a month after. He was furious, but told me he still wanted me. We would work things out. I stopped talking to the OM. This was in May 2010. The rest of the year was horrible! The abuse got worse. He broke my sex toys one night. Accused me of cheating all the time. Punched walls. On top of this my health issues were back.

 

In November 2010 I found out I had more ovarian cysts and my endometriosis was probably returning. I decided to go to a specialist in another state for surgery. My husband was there to support me. Well in his way. The morning we leave for my surgery I ask him to help me pack the car, he lets into me saying I am acting like I did when I had someone else. And that I can drive myself etc. Seriously? Again all this in front of my daughter. While away for surgery we argue and I have to pack by myself to go home! I had a hysterectomy, my appendix removed, my left ovary removed, and more endometriosis removed. I am not supposed to be lifting or bending. Thank goodness for Percocet’s.

 

I decided to start the New Year off right. Giving my all to taking care of myself and working on things with hubby. I start counseling again, excersing, telling hubby I was working on myself so I could be a better person for the family. He said he understood. We still had issues. He still brought up my affair. I told him I hate myself for doing what I did to you. He said he understood.

 

In February 2011 my health started to decline again. I have another cyst. Sex is still painful. I am not feeling depressed though and actually feel pretty darn good about myself. I decided to go back to school and made long term goals. During this time my hubby picked up a new hobby. Making techno music. All his spare time is devoted to this new hobby. This new hobby is involved with the party scene. Staying out late etc. Spending money we don't have. I can't say much about that because I am not contributing any income. He works a lot and I don't want to hold him back.

 

March 2011 he meets someone. A female who also makes techno music. He said he met a girl at his friend’s house who is a DJ, but I didn't think twice. I trust him 101%. Plus she's 23 and he is 35. A week later he is texting a lot, won't let his phone out of his sight. I get suspicious and say he's been texting a lot. He says its guy friends. I don't believe him. That Saturday my daughter is gone for the night so I say let's go to dinner. He won't pick a place and I have to almost drag him out of the house. At dinner I was asking what he wanted to do later and he was like I dunno. It was the night of the full moon so I was thinking we could go to the beach or something fun to see it. No he doesn't want to do anything. Fine. Then we start talking. He tells me he's been thinking of a separating!! What?? This is coming out of nowhere for me. In my mind I think things are going well and I'm feeling better about everything etc. He says he can't get over what I did a year ago and it would be better for us to work things out alone. I am shocked and devastated I told him. I started to cry and panic. I have no money and no place to go. I tell him you’re going to have to pay me alimony and child support. He nods. I leave. He says I don't have to. I tell him well you don't wanna be around me obviously. I leave for the night. I come home and hubby asks if it’s over. I ask him if it is since he wants the separation. He says he doesn't want it, but thinks we need it. Asks for sex!! Can you believe it? Again to prove my love for him! I tell him no.

 

He leaves the next day to go fishing with friends. I tell him bye and that I love him. He says the same thing back. While he's gone I look on his computer to find this chick DJ's name. I do. I see what she looks like etc. He comes home after 1:30 am. We don't talk. The next day he is gone all day working. Has to work overnight. Doesn't tell me he's staying though. I thought that was odd. I finally see him Tuesday. I say I think he has an interest in someone else. He says I'm mistaken. So when he goes to sleep that night I look on his phone. Guess what I find? Her name and number, plus pictures of her. The one that got me was the one of them kissing!!! CAUGHT!!! He went on a date with her Sunday night. The day he was "fishing". To make it worse, they were in public doing all this. In front of people we both know! In front of his techno friends! She is friends with all these people. I am so humiliated. SO he tells me this would've never happened if I didn't do what I did a year ago. Says he wasn't feeling the love from me and she pursed him. I gave him a chance to fess up about her. He should've told me. He knows how bad it hurts to be betrayed why he would do it to me. I tell him I still love him and want to make things work. He says he's not sure because he doesn't think I'll ever love him the same. He goes and sees her next day cuz he has some of her records. He says he tells her he wants to work on things with me. Shows me he deleted her number and pics. Won't delete her off Facebook or the other web page she's on however. I tell him he must so I can trust him again. He says it won't matter. I let it go.

 

Last Thursday I talk to my counselor. She says let him go. I found out he was doing drugs behind my back too. She says he is unstable and this is not the man for me. I tell him that day he can have the separation. He says he will leave Saturday after our daughter's soccer game. Friday morning we talk about how much money he will give me and the kids. I go one way he goes the other. Friday night he's at home spending his last night at home. I get invited out with friends for drinks. I go. Get tipsy come home and we start talking and crying. We have sex. The next day he doesn't leave. Says the talk the night before made him feel better and he assumes that means we are staying together. I honestly can't remember the whole conversation. I didn't think it meant we were staying together. Saturday we spend the day together with the children. It's good. That night we started watching television and he gets up off the couch and lies down in bed. Says he's depressed. I am confused. The next day I start to think maybe my counselor is right. He's unstable.

 

Sunday he helps around the house (only cuz I ask). I am down about the night before about him falling asleep and not watching television with me. I tell him, "Why would you be depressed?" He says because he wanted to go out with me. "Ok, then why didn't you make plans with me?" I answer. He didn't say much. Sunday, he still won't let his phone out of his sight so that night while he's sleeping I look on it. There is OW number again!!!

 

Monday I am not happy, depressed, upset. Should I believe him? Does he want me? Why would her number be there after he deleted it? We talk that night and I tell him I need to trust him before I can fall back in love with him. I don't feel secure. He won't delete her off Facebook. I don't tell him I found her number again, but hint that I need full honesty from him. I tell him I can't get in contact with my old lover that I don't have his number on my phone anymore. Is her number off your phone still? He says let me check, so I look with him...of course it's there! He makes flimsy excuses. Yesterday he said he deleted her off Facebook. Since I am not on his page I can't check. He says he loves me and if I love him then we can work on things. We "try" and have sex last night. He barely gets erect and can't orgasm. I have to stop because it's painful.

 

What would you do...stay....leave. Can I ever trust him again? I can't believe he would do this to me. Right now? After all we've been thru? I really do think he is unstable. One minute he wants me the next he doesn't. He needs help. I can't change him; I only have the power to change myself.

[GorillaTheater]

I admire your honesty. You laid it all out, warts and all. And you're absolutely right: you can't change him, you can only change yourself. And you is what you need to focus on right now. You and the kids.

 

Set aside your H and the relationship for the time being. What do you want for you and the kids? What are your goals? What are some things you want to change about yourself? Are you the same person who cheated on your H? Do you like that person? Work on you.

 

Talk to a lawyer, ASAP. Personally, I think this situation is screaming for a separation and maybe a divorce. But at least know your rights and protect yourself and the kids.