Thinkalot Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 If so, when planning the second wedding, did you, or are you, thinking much about the first? Do you/did you compare them? Or are you living in the present and focussed on what you are doing now..with the past just a distant memory for you? I obviously have a reason for asking this...and it's probably pretty clear to those who know me... my guy and I are talking about getting married. He's been married before. I get neurotic and jealous and obsessive still sometimes. The idea he's been married and had a wedding before is a pretty big trigger for me..and I am trying to reduce its power. I've actually come a really long way with this. Just talking about marriage with my guy makes me feel so excited and happy, and him too, that I realise worrying about something which happened 10 years before is silly. Plus when I do ask him questions about the details, he often can't remember them. He says he wants to be a lot more involved when we do our planning etc...and wants to do something really different (which I referenced in my response to jenny's getting married thread about costs). That what has happened before is just an old memory now, and not something he thinks about. I do believe that. I guess I'm looking for more reinforcement here though. Thanks. P.S. I also wanted to share, that as of late, owing to my growing self confidence in my relationship and reduction in obsessive worry, I've been happier and have even been laughing and joking more with my bf's family, because I feel less insecure about my "place" in his life, or that somehow they may be comparing me to the ex! Oh the relief and freedom which comes with healing these worries. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 Thinkalot It doesn't matter whether the whole world did or did not think about their previous marriages; they are not him and he is not anybody else. I'm thinking this question may not be the way to go. You do not suffer by comparison, Thinkalot, no matter whether or not he thinks about the past. One thing is sure - the more you bring up the past, the more you get him to think about it He doesn't want to think about it, but you keep making him. Are you able to persuade yourself that your very actions result in that which you least want? Where are your thought-killer strategies? You can't let this one get to you. Link to post Share on other sites
sportsloving Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 I was married twice, but I didn't even think about the first one during the planning or whatnot of the second. And if I ever get married again, I don't feel as if the previous two have much to do with it other than to make me the person I currently am. I wouldn't think that the family members would compare you to his previous wife unless it was to say "He seems so much happier". Relax and have fun, and involve him in the details as much as you can... lol, they don't usually volunteer~ Best of luck~ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted April 4, 2004 Author Share Posted April 4, 2004 I hear ya both loud and clear. Merry , as usual, you are right. And, lately the strategies have actually worked for me...I'll go to ask a question about his wedding, and then think "do I need to know...do I want to know?...does he care?" and before you know it, I've shut my big mouth up...and he's sitting there next to me, laughing and relaxed and the conversation moves on, and on the inside, I let out a big "aaahhhhh". sportsloving...thanks for the words. They were of course, the ones I wanted to hear.. Merry- I suppose I thought maybe hearing other peoples reinforcement might just help me a bit more. But I see whay you mean...everyone is different. He doesn't think about it, and that's all I need to worry about. His first marriage is something which helped him grow, and made him who he is..the man I love. Link to post Share on other sites
carla Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 As you already know I am planning a wedding. And to be totally honest and a little embarrassed to admit that this will be my 3 rd time around. To be honest yes I do think of the past wedding a bit but not about the husband part. It's more like When I came here to shop for my last dress the service here was crap and it still is. Or we can't have purple as the main colour b/c that's what I had last time. If I do any comparision it's more in the ways as how am I going to make this one better. And the way I see it I have already done that by marring a man that has no addictions that I think I can change, a man that respects me and loves me more then his buddies, the prince that I dreamed about when I was a little girl. So try not to worry about him comparing you to his ex. If anything he's more proud that you are better then his ex. If you do relive some of the same experiences in life, I doubt that he thinks of his ex and if he does he's probably thinking this time is much better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted April 4, 2004 Author Share Posted April 4, 2004 Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaSongbird Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 Thinkalot... I've been married twice. When I was planning my 2nd wedding, my 1st one hardly entered my mind. The only thing was that was a little strange about my 2nd wedding is that fact that I wanted to invite my former mother in law (and my husband was ok that with that). She and I are still in touch and I consider her a good friend and almost a 2nd mother. My ex husband hardly enters my mind at all unless it is to think about how far I've come from those days and how much happier I am. In terms of comparing them, there isn't any!! I love my current husband and he is more of a husband in every way than my ex ever was. I thank my lucky stars every day that he came back into my life. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 I've only been married once, and that one is coming to an end. We went the inexpensive route. And, in retrospect that was the right idea, given what I now know about the true nature of the marriage and her "extra-curricular activities". Oh well... onward and upward. Some people get "starter homes", I guess I had a "starter marriage." Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaSongbird Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 reservoirdog -- My exhusband also had some extra-curricular activities that doomed our marriage. We only lived together a little over a year and I knew it was over w/in the first 18 months of our marriage thought it took us 3 years get divorced (long story). I also refer to my first marriage was my "starter marriage," although the experience did teach me some valuable lessons. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted April 5, 2004 Author Share Posted April 5, 2004 Thanks for the replies. I have also heard first marriages which end fairly quickly, described as "practice" marriages. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted April 5, 2004 Share Posted April 5, 2004 Georgia... in my case the marriage lasted seven years and I was blissfully ignorant the whole time. Oh well... sometimes the practice lasts for a long time before the real event. Guess I've now got a ton of experience under my belt.... Link to post Share on other sites
nikkilove Posted April 5, 2004 Share Posted April 5, 2004 I've been married twice. Did not dwell on the first when planning the second. My first marriage, I was young, didn't know what I wanted......etc etc etc. With my 2nd', I've grown up and got married for all the right reasons. Had totally moved on and grown up, away from and learned my lessons about 1st time. So, don't worry about the first, sounds like your guy is crazy about you Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaSongbird Posted April 5, 2004 Share Posted April 5, 2004 Originally posted by reservoirdog1 Georgia... in my case the marriage lasted seven years and I was blissfully ignorant the whole time. Oh well... sometimes the practice lasts for a long time before the real event. Guess I've now got a ton of experience under my belt.... Reservoir --- Practice makes perfect! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Thinkalot Posted April 5, 2004 Author Share Posted April 5, 2004 Well, then I should think myself lucky that my guy has already had that practice Thanks for the perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaSongbird Posted April 5, 2004 Share Posted April 5, 2004 Originally posted by Thinkalot Well, then I should think myself lucky that my guy has already had that practice Thanks for the perspective. yes! he "practiced" with someone else and you get the benefit! Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted April 6, 2004 Share Posted April 6, 2004 When you have sex with your fiance, do you think about the guys you had sex with before him? I didn't think so. Honey, in some respects, he may compare them, because maybe you do something exactly the same (like you might sit his parents in the EXACT same place as the last time, and it might trigger a memory) but all in all, I figure that when he's standing up there waiting for you to walk down the aisle, or when the two of you are making plans and picking out food, he's not thinking *hmmmm, my last wedding wasn't this expensive* or *she looked better in her dress* he's probably thinking I'm so happy! P.S. When people break up, they don't usually remember their ex in the best light...even if they remain friends. I can think about my ex's, and start feeling myself getting really sad. I can then think about my husband, and suddenly realize that I'm smiling All in all, I can't read his mind, but I'm willing to bet that if the thought of his previous wedding DOES come along, he'll get this big frown on his face Link to post Share on other sites
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