green eyed ann Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 Help! I'm in love with a married man and he is strongly in love with me as well. Our love is obvious to everyone around us including my family - and my family is aware of his situation. We've been planning his divorce and our marriage - including talking to divorce lawyers, meeting with real estate brokers about our new house, and he has a spreadsheet of all of his assets that will have to be split in the divorce and the items in his house that he has planned to take. He also has gone to my hometown to visit my mother a few times while telling my father that he would like to marry me. He has introduced me to his kids as one of his friends. While he will have to split his assets with his wife, I bring a lot financially to the marriage as well. We were planning on his divorcing over a month ago but some work related problems have gotten in the way in the meantime and he asked me for a little more time. I said no and have not talked to him in the last three weeks. I have known him for a number of years and had a serious relationship with him for about a year. Do you think that it will work out with us and that he will leave his wife? Am I doing the right thing by cutting off communication and not having returned his last call three weeks ago? I am just thinking that if he is going to make a move he probably needed to suffer a bit and not have contact me. ANY THOUGHTS HERE as to whether it will work out between us? Link to post Share on other sites
Fraggles Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 A married man rarely leaves his wife and family for the OW, no matter how much "planning" he does. Do yourself a favor and find a single guy. Link to post Share on other sites
sportsloving Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 I find it odd that he has not contacted you in three weeks since you didn't return his call... perhaps that should be it's own sign? How did work interfer with something personal such as filing for divorce? I don't know that he is leaving his wife.. and it doesn't appear that the plan to make him hurt (from no contact) is doing what you expected... Time to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Velveteel Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 I know you don't what to hear what all of us are saying, but yes, it looks bad. Three weeks without contact, after making so many plans together... Imagine the pressure, guilt, and anxiety he has been feeling about leaving his wife. When you left, he might have felt shock and pain, but also relief. Those "work-related matters" that kept him from leaving his wife might have been excuses, so that he can prolong this stage--you loving and expecting only good things of him, while he revels in the fantasy of a new life with an adoring new partner. I hope, for your sake, that he does call you--or you him--and that you get some answers soon. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 We were planning on his divorcing over a month ago but some work related problems have gotten in the way in the meantime and he asked me for a little more time. I said no and have not talked to him in the last three weeks. BRAVO!!...Finally, a sister with some stones! Ann, I think your move is brilliant. Please, please hold out. Force him to make his decision and become proactive one way or another. His next move will tell you all you need to know about his sincerity and with which one of you ladies his commitment lies. Stop settling for second best, excuses, alibis and empty promises. And if this doesn't force his hand, then PLEASE, PLEASE find the courage, dignity and pride to move on! ANY THOUGHTS HERE as to whether it will work out between us? There's no way to predict whether you will beat the odds. These situations seldom turn out in the OW's favor. But what you have done is the ONLY way to bring about final resolution and get the answers you need. Link to post Share on other sites
leilab Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 I have reading the posts of MM for the last 3 weeks and I am finding that there are two extreme answers to the same question of whether or not the MM will leave his wife. 1) answer goes something like this. "The MM never leaves his wife" end of conversation - NO MATTER WHAT THE STORY. 2) sometimes, depending on the situation - but very rarely. I find myself in the same situation as yourself, exactly 3 weeks after my breakup with my MM, with my world shattered and destroyed. No contact, no phone call. I have ready many of the responses here posted by people with experience in this situation that have not had a positive outcome. The real answer is within you and it will take time for you to reach your conclusion. I have posted that I believe that when people are not ready to accept an answer that is too damaging to their heart & soul, they will not. It is awesome to have made it to the three week mark and I give you great credit. In all fairness I am starting to come to that place where I actually am spending some time thinking about the BS of my MM as part of the whole equation. Not just whether he will be with me - but whether he really just ever loved me?? And the reality that I really only knew a part of him. My suggestion is to take it week by week and to ensure yourself that you ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING by not continueing the relationship as is. We all deserve to deal with a WHOLE PERSON and not just a part of one. And I ask myself what those other parts are really like - I happened to find out a very ugly part. One that showed me that when I needed support, HE was not there. Matter of fact, that is when he decided to end our relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
miz_barby Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 Don't know anything about the situation except what I read but the biggest flag is that he will be loosing 1/2 his assets and you will be bring "so much more" to the relationship...has it ever occured that either he is only feeding you these "plans" to see what he can get from you or....maybe he isn't as willing to part with his "assets" as he seems to claim to be? I may be 100% wrong maybe money has nothing to do with it but I tend to agree with most of the others...I doubt he will leave his wife...I think if he was serious about doing so there would have been NOTHING stopping him from going through with the divorce....but Good Luck anyway I hope it all works out for ya... Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 Will He Leave His Wife? it's possible ... but not probable. Go find another fish in the sea. Preferably one without the hook dangling from his mouth. Link to post Share on other sites
Fancy Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 Your chances of ever having him for good are slim to none, in my opinion. Men can make all kinds of plans and promise all kinds of things, but that's no indication he'll ever actually go through with it. It's mere words. Nothing more, nothing less. It could be that he's gotten in way over his head with his grandiose promises and is using this time to make his escape from you. Married men are fine as long as they can have sex with you, whisper a few meaningless words in your ear and then head back home to the wife and kids. When you start balking at that and wanting more, that's when the end arrives. Read some of the other threads in this section. It's happened time and time again. Your story is not unique, although I'm sure it's extremely painful for you. You seem like you have a lot to offer. Why not find someone unattached who can treat you like a decent human being instead of playing games and hiding? Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 Do you think that it will work out with us and that he will leave his wife? Am I doing the right thing by cutting off communication and not having returned his last call three weeks ago? I am just thinking that if he is going to make a move he probably needed to suffer a bit and not have contact me. Hi GE Ann I hope your thing works out, it's too bad that he wasn't at least separated or on the way to divorce when you guys fell in love...He may really love you, but like others said, mm tend to get stuck when it comes to actually leaving. You have to stick to your resolve now. And if you don't like the answer, blow him off, no matter how difficult it is because he will most likely come up with a gazillion excuses as to why you should continue the affair with him. I really believe that mm are to be avoided at all costs...I know, too late...and in lieu of that, if a man really really wants you, married or not, he will move heaven and earth to be with you...No excuses... Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author green eyed ann Posted April 4, 2004 Author Share Posted April 4, 2004 I want to thank everyone that has posted their thoughts here. It's very painful and, yes, some of the responses did make me cry. However, I think my resolve to not speak to him again is even stronger. So please continue to pass along your thoughts - they are all very appreciated. I did truly feel that his feelings toward me were very strong and our relationship was not based on sex given how much he had emotionally given to me over time. I also always felt that the connection he built with my parents made me feel he would come through on leaving his wife. How could he lie to not only me but my parents as well? Why did he spend so much time planning this whole thing and taking on the expense of divorce lawyers - just to keep me hanging on a little longer? All that doesn't matter anymore. I don't want to speak to him again unless he's out of the house and in the midst of a legal separation from his wife. Thanks everyone..... Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 P.S. Ann, Sometimes mm divorce and set -up house with their new lady only to return to the x-wife months later! It is a mystery for sure..I believe they live their lives and wear such a groove in their psyches, that even a brand new shiney happy love can't derail the mans' habit train...yikes....Which is why I repeat myself over -n-over..actions speak louder than words...Show me, Don't tell me. Please be careful... Link to post Share on other sites
kkat Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 Green Eyed, When push comes to shove, it is very unusual that a man leaves his wife for another woman. Yes, something like 50% of marriages end in divorce, but not typically in a situation where the MM leaves the wife and unites w/ the OW. My MM left his wife and we lived together for two years. He had a divorce lawyer, we had integrated social lives, friends, family, even his kids, etc. But when it came time to get serious about the finalities of the divorce and the realities re: kids, money, family, etc. - he went home. There are other posters on LS with similar experiences. The thing I find really concerning is this -- if you two were seriously planning your lives together, and if he were sincere and you trusted him, when he said he needed an amount of extra time (did he say how much?) why did he disappear so easily when you called a time out? Why hasn't he called you? What do your instincts tell you? Good luck and my suggestion to you is get out, get out, get out - before you invest the years I did. Link to post Share on other sites
Author green eyed ann Posted April 4, 2004 Author Share Posted April 4, 2004 Actually what happened was....he mentioned that he needed more time - like another 3-6 months. I told him I couldn't wait any longer and he did back off the delay a bit in the conversation - maybe given pressure from me. He called me the next day - left a message but I never called him back. Three weeks have since past - I still haven't returned the call - but I haven't heard from him either. Does that help? Link to post Share on other sites
Skittles Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 Does that help? Ann I am sticking my nose in again....does it help? yes.....run, run for the hills...If the man I was loving, caring for and giving my body to pulled this crap I would be spitting nails.... He is probably trying to renegotiate his marriage sorry to say. Three weeks and this man who has shared your bodily fluids and dreams has not called you back!!!! How thick can some men be?.............Take a train, plane or automobile..lose him. .......You deserve a MAN not a MOUSE! Link to post Share on other sites
leilab Posted April 5, 2004 Share Posted April 5, 2004 Green Eyed, These stories just blow me away. How can a man just walk away and not call you for 3 weeks after wanting to get married? The longer I examine these stories, the more I have to admit that there is something wrong with this picture. Several quotes that I have found and I am pondering: "Oh, no you dumped me-don't I deserve a letter to tell me what's happening? Gee, don't I deserve more than the wife you kept in the dark for the whole affair" "You lied to me!!! I knew you lied to your wife, but I thought we had complete honesty between us. Am I a sucker?" My point is that the MM is lying to his wife....and is not honest with her... why should it surprise us that he would be lying to us? Thx for all your stories, they are helping me a lot get through my situation one day at a time; and possibly slowly coming out of the fog and facing the hard reality. But in the end I still have that hope that the MM turns out to be a good guy...don't ask me how. Link to post Share on other sites
kkat Posted April 5, 2004 Share Posted April 5, 2004 Let me get this straight. You have a conversation in which he tells you he needs another 3 - 6 months. You say that doesn't work for you and he says that he will make it happen in less than the timeframe of 3 - 6 months. Then, he called you three weeks ago and you didn't return his call. He never called back? Green Eyed, I am sick for you but I just don't think this guy is planning on coming back to the party. It looks like he lied to you - he set up the "delay" story hoping he could continue his relationship with you despite the fact that he was not ready to move forward with his divorce. When it became apparent to him that you weren't going to fall for that, he decided to cut bait. I think you should do the same - cut bait, I mean. Hang in there. I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. Link to post Share on other sites
leilab Posted April 5, 2004 Share Posted April 5, 2004 Green Eyed, These stories just blow me away. How can a man just walk away and not call you for 3 weeks after wanting to get married? The longer I examine these stories, the more I have to admit that there is something wrong with this picture. Several quotes that I have found and I am pondering: "Oh, no you dumped me-don't I deserve a letter to tell me what's happening? Gee, don't I deserve more than the wife you kept in the dark for the whole affair" "You lied to me!!! I knew you lied to your wife, but I thought we had complete honesty between us. Am I a sucker?" My point is that the MM is lying to his wife....and is not honest with her... why should it surprise us that he would be lying to us? Thx for all your stories, they are helping me a lot get through my situation one day at a time; and possibly slowly coming out of the fog and facing the hard reality. But in the end I still have that hope that the MM turns out to be a good guy...don't ask me how. Link to post Share on other sites
kkat Posted April 5, 2004 Share Posted April 5, 2004 Any updates Green Eyed? Are you still hanging in there. Hoping your eyes are staying more green than red... Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted April 5, 2004 Share Posted April 5, 2004 GreenEyed, There are people on here who have been in your position. All affairs take on a life of their own.....but are SO VERY similar in feelings and frustrations. If you post back again, there are several of us who will support you and help you. Is he going to leave? Probably not Sweetie. I have NO IDEA why a man would tell a woman he is getting a divorce when he has no intention of getting one....but they do. It's mind boggling! However, as I said, you aren't alone. Please post when you check back in. We do care about your feelings. Arabess Link to post Share on other sites
nikkilove Posted April 5, 2004 Share Posted April 5, 2004 Good for you Green Eyed for not calling back! Don't be tempted to either. He should call you, he's the one with the baggage, not you. You are free as a bird to see whomever you want, go for it! A married man who cheats on his wife before having the balls to leave is not worth your time, nor his wifes for that matter. Go on with your life, don't wait for the phone to ring. Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author green eyed ann Posted April 9, 2004 Author Share Posted April 9, 2004 Hi, it's me again...well another week has passed and he still hasn't called. I've been dating and am meeting some nice men. My friends feel I need closure from the MM, however,...how do you think I can get it? Do I call him for closure...just letting him know that it is over from my standpoint and I have moved on...or do I just continue with no contact. What is the best way to get closure? Link to post Share on other sites
nikkilove Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 You need closure? YOu got closure...........he professed his love then when push came to shove, backed off..........there's your closure. Keep your dignity intact and don't contact him again. Take this as a lesson to see single, available men, instead of the married ones (if they lie to their wives to be with you, why would you think they are being honest with you??!!).........also, take some time to build up your self-esteem so you don't put yourself in these hopeless kinds of situations again. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
leilab Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 Hi Green Eyed, Concgratulations on another week past. Today it is 4 weeks of no contact for me. I am proud of you to say that for you it is a "done deal". Are you just tellling yourself that, or do you really believe it? The reason I am saying that is because I believe if you are really done with a situation you do not need call him for closure. That is just an excuse for contacting him. I do not have closure and cannot move on yet. But I have gained some distance from the situation and am more clearly able to assess it. If he really loves you, he will do what he needs to do to be with you - if not it was never meant to be. Only you can determine where you are with this. I know I don't fall in line with the advice of others but I am convinced that everyone has to find an answer themselves. Keep telling yourself that your MM knows that you want him to yourself, no more sharing. And the good news is if he does come back, you know that he has had time to assess and determine what he wants, including what he wants to do with his relationship with you. Take it week by week and don't rush yourself. If the relationship with him is over, you need time to grieve the loss of someone that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. That is a big loss. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted April 9, 2004 Share Posted April 9, 2004 pft....no. Link to post Share on other sites
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