Will He Leave His Wife?

[FolderWife]

Ok, not to give any false hope, but I had a co-worker who got divorced, and she was friends with this guy who was also getting divorced. The really really cared for each other; like best friends.

 

One day, he just stopped calling, and didn't call again for three weeks. She started seeing someone else, and he started calling again. He claimed that he promised his wife that he wouldn't talk to her any more, until they got divorced....yeah, it would've been great if he had TOLD Her that, instead of up and not calling.

 

Well, they finally got divorced in November (he had filed for divorce already before he started talking to my co-worker). He and my co-worker got married the first week of February.

 

He didn't leave his wife for her, and they didn't "share bodily fluids" until the divorce was final, so the only comparison is that he didn't call for three weeks.

 

There is a tiny possibility that this guy is respecting her wishes not to continue the relationship as long as he's legally married. Maybe he has filed for divorce, and is waiting until he is single to call. Maybe he is respecting her wishes by not calling, until he actually files.

 

I'm sure he's thinking, "IF SHE LOVES ME, WHY HASN'T SHE CALLED ME!!!! I sure am glad I didn't leave my family for this woman!"

[Skittles]

He is probably trying to renegotiate his marriage sorry to say. Three weeks and this man who has shared your bodily fluids and dreams has not called you back!!!!

 

 

Ok, reading Monday's post is going to make me contradict myself but here goes. I still believe in what I said above to be kind of basic in these kinds of circumstances.

 

BUT since there are no formulas for these relationships, or any relationships for that matter...I am going to suggest that you contact him to get either the green light or stop sign..And make that your "final answer" as they say in game shows.

 

Green-eyed...He must leave his marriage..out of the house, divorce papers filed for you to invest yourself so heavily..And even after that happens, alot of times, these guys bounce back to their old lives...

 

It is in your best interest to either a) develop a very thick skin and lower your expectations to zero when it comes to him or b) move on to greener pastures...

 

Whatever you decide, get your answer, then, get going.

 

I wish you love.

 

 

[kkat]

I think this is a very individual situation. For me, it came down to this:

1. I had to acknowledge that I am in love with this guy, and that there is no future with him.

2. I had to admit that I was staying in the unhealthy relationship because I was addicted to him and to the relationship, and because of my fear of being totally alone, and because I continued to feed myself false hope.

3. I needed to talk to him for closure. We had 12 years of history, had lived together, and had shared many things together - good and bad - and I couldn't just not talk to him. That was my personal decision.

4. So, I talked to him, several times, and said the things I needed to say, asked him a million questions, and then said goodbye.

 

Bottom line - I still don't have closure. I have more than I would have if I had never talked to him about it, absolutely. But if you talk to him, you need to be honest with yourself and what your agenda is - are you talking to him for closure or to keep the door OPEN? I did the latter for weeks, months. I kept the "break-up" going so that I was still connected to him.

 

But again, I talked to him for literally hours and hours over a period of three weeks - and it didn't give me closure. I got answers, I got information, I know how he feels about me, about himself, about his life, about his wife, about his marriage, about his friggin dog. But I don't have closure. Maybe I never will. But to the extent that I will, it's obviously going to have to come from within myself. But talking to him did help me. Again, its individual I think.

[popelp21]

I've fallen in love with a MM. We have been having an affair for over 8 months now. It started as an emotional affair, but became sexual. He confides everything to me. We are co-workers.

 

I am in the same boat...will he leave....says he loves me, but he just "doesn't know if he can without proof of her affairs"....

 

It all started when I confided in him about my husband's infidelity (soon to be ex). I knew that his wife had cheated on him and I let him in on this. We became very close. We discuss his money problems and family issues. There is nothing that he keeps from me. Although at times it hurts me, he has always been completely honest with me.

 

I am now in the process of divorce. Although my husband had a sexual affair and another affair that was an emotional affair and possibly became sexual (i'll never know the truth), I still felt so guilty that I pushed him so far away that he eventually left.

 

The problem is that I am moving forward with my life, but my MM has not been able to let go of the pain his wife has caused him and he is unable to let her go. She cheated on him probably 15 times or more. She has lied to him about several things. But, he still has been with her for about 18 years and can't let go. He has never confronted her about this.

 

I am deeply in love with this man. He is a very honest person. Almost too honest, at times it hurts me. He says he loves me, but also loves his wife and hasn't been able to let her go.

 

I guess what I am trying to figure out is since our situation is so complicated, do I give this man some more time? Do you feel there is any chance for us? Do you feel he will ever leave?

[sportsloving]

But again, I talked to him for literally hours and hours over a period of three weeks - and it didn't give me closure. I got answers, I got information, I know how he feels about me, about himself, about his life, about his wife, about his marriage, about his friggin dog. But I don't have closure. Maybe I never will. But to the extent that I will, it's obviously going to have to come from within myself. But talking to him did help me. Again, its individual I think.

 

You are right, every relationship is individual as the people in the relationship are indiviuals as well. But as for the closure, that is something you can give yourself. You realize that you were in an unhealthy relationship and have gotten your answers... even if they weren't the ones you wanted.

 

As for keeping the break up going, it is hard to let someone you love go, no matter the circumstances. But please know that although you love him... there is someone out there who will be able to give you every thing.. his life, his love and his time... without having to compromise you.

 

I wish for you only love and peace

[popelp21]

sportslover....did u read my story....any advice???

 

Just at a loss here>..

[sportsloving]

Originally posted by popelp21

I've fallen in love with a MM. We have been having an affair for over 8 months now. It started as an emotional affair, but became sexual. He confides everything to me. We are co-workers.

 

I am in the same boat...will he leave....says he loves me, but he just "doesn't know if he can without proof of her affairs"....

 

 

I guess what I am trying to figure out is since our situation is so complicated, do I give this man some more time? Do you feel there is any chance for us? Do you feel he will ever leave?

 

It always seems to me that those brought together under complicated situations (such as you two starting to get close by sharing the infidelity of spouses) sometimes out grow their "need" over time. What I mean is, that what makes you close at the time is the need for understanding and fears... but when the situation is taken care of (such as your divorce proceedings) that you are able to move on with life while his is still the same at the of the start.

 

I can't tell you if he will ever leave his wife, only he and you know the answer. But it doesn't look to promising if he has been with her for so long and knows of her cheating but sticks it out. I can tell you that you are cheating yourself by waiting around for something that may or may not ever occur.

 

I would suggest that you continue to make your life your own, and if down the road he makes time for you and takes the actions to insure your future with him, all the better. Start out baby steps and deal with things one at time.. such as your divorce and needing to recover from that.

 

I wish you luck and hope for the best!

[popelp21]

Thanks for the advice....

 

The problems with it is he works about 20 feet away from me...we both have been there for about 11 years.

 

Also, I was with my husband about 16 years. We have 10 days left before our divorce is final.

 

There is a lot more to us. The infidelity of our spouses is what brought us together, but then we realized we have so much in common. He told me that I am more like him than anyone he has ever met and that I am special to him and I am different than anyone he has ever known and right now he needs me friendship more than anything because he trusts me and has not had that kind of trust for a long time. So when he tells me he doesn't know, but in the same paragragh tells me all of this, it really confuses me. What exactly is he saying??

[sportsloving]

Awwwww

 

I am sure you do mean a great deal to him... but he is also tied to someone else. He might be telling you conflicting things as that is how he is feeling, conflicted.

 

I didn't mean to imply that all you had together was the cheating spouses, I only meant to say that infidelity brought you together ... you are moving on from your relationship while he is very much still stuck at the start (he knows, he accepts but has done nothing about bettering the situation).

 

I don't doubt that you two care very much, but it is up to him whether he cares enough to forge a future or be stuck where he is.

 

If you are really good friends, I would suggest being there for him. But I do think in ways that would hurt more than actually letting go. If he constantly runs to you to talk about his wife... it could be more painful to you as you have dealt with your issue yet he faces his every day. It is now his time to decide what sort of future he wants for himself.

 

I wish you luck and hugs

[popelp21]

I think you nailed it. This all started when the other day I just asked him where we stood. I told him that I was trying to figure out if we possible would have a furture together or if I just needed to move on without him. I asked if we had a chance or if he was never going to leave. He said he was struggling with the decision. He just didn't know. I guess I can take that two ways. He still has hope for us and is considering it or he just can't leave her.

 

 

Then I asked if he loved me b/c he said he did and he said yes, that he did, but he still loved her too and hasn't been able to let that go. He told me he always wanted to be completely honest with me. I also can take that two ways, it hurts to hear the truth, but then again, at least he is being honest with me. Most men would lie and say they didn't love her too.

 

I also know that it is not about sex. He has tried to stop that several times because he is still struggling with this. We have more of an emotional bond than anything.

 

I'm really trying to just be friendly with him and we have always told each other that we are friends first and foremost above everything else, but it's just too hard for me now.

 

The other issue is work, how do I walk away when I have to walk by his office just to go to the bathroom??????

 

Is it really possible for him to love both of us???

[sportsloving]

Originally posted by popelp21

 

I'm really trying to just be friendly with him and we have always told each other that we are friends first and foremost above everything else, but it's just too hard for me now.

 

The other issue is work, how do I walk away when I have to walk by his office just to go to the bathroom??????

 

Is it really possible for him to love both of us???

 

I am assuming that he does care for both of you, probably not in the same respects but love is a many faceted thing. I care a great deal about my ex, I do not love LOVE him, but I care about him. I don't think that is going to stop just because we didn't make great marriage material. I can also recognize that he is a good guy... just not the guy for me I also have someone in my life who I care a great deal about. He means a lot to me, but it is possible for me to care about both of them at the same time, although in different regards.

 

Staying friends is a difficult choice, but if you can be there for him when he needs a shoulder, can let him lean on you, and just generally feel as if you like him for being himself... you have a headstart. BUT you must also realize that you are probably going to get upset hearing about the wife, and at some point you may wonder why he is even sticking around... but it isn't your place to say that he should leave. It has to be his choice.

 

If you do decide to walk away until better circumstances, it doesn't require a bitter ending. It merely requires that you both acknowledge that any further relationship is not possible at the moment. You can walk by his office, you can smile and hold chit chat conversations...

[leilab]

"The problem is that I am moving forward with my life, but my MM has not been able to let go of the pain his wife has caused him and he is unable to let her go. "

 

It is really painful to keep reading these posts - after four weeks of reading them since my breakup with MM - it is true they read almost all the same. The women believe, trusts in what the MM says and empathizes with what he is going through. Whatever that may be. "MM cannot go through with divorce because.......and MM is so honest and truthful with the woman.......

 

I too, was moving forward with my life, having made the decision that yes, I do love my MM that much that I want to leave my marriage in order to be with him. And now? Well, he did tell his wife he wanted a divorce (so he says) and then broke up with my because he told me that he realized that he was "still in love with his wife" and "wanted to make his marriage work".

 

I wonder why that conversation never came up in the last year of him professing how I was his soul mate and that he would die for me.

 

Boy, he didn't just not "die for me" --but he sure stabbed the knife in my back awfully fast-- I'm sure his worst enemy was not worthy of this treatment.

 

And after 4 weeks, his soul mate and love of his life, the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, sits here wondering how I could have gone from being the most important thing in his life (??) to being thrown in the dipsy dumpster.

 

My comment to your post is that don't focus too much on his pain, but your own. He does you no good unless he is truly divorced. And that is a fact that you need to tell yourself everyday.

[popelp21]

I understand all of that, and that is what I am trying to decide. There is this huge part of me that says, yeah, we have a great friendship and I can be his friend, but then there is that part of me that looks at him and when I'm not even thinking about it a voice pops in my head and says "you are going to marry that man">..

 

I guess the difference in my case is that his wife has cheated on his throughout their whole marriage. Is there anyone out there that has had that happen to them and that is how their relationship began with the MM?

 

It is different, I think maybe he just hasn't been able to accept it, if only he could get proof, maybe he could get closure....then it would be different for us.

 

The hardest part is working with him, we are both supervisors and there are about 500 people in our building, but their are only 10 of us. We do work together a lot. How to I gain the strength to walk away when I have such strong feelings for him and he is always right there? Sometimes I think that we will never be able to completely end it because it is right in our face....we both have tried.

 

See he and his wife never had a sexual problem like most affairs, it's just the opposite.

 

 

I guess I'm trying to figure out if there is any hope. I'm not desparate about him, I mean, I know life will go on and he will always be special to me if it doesn't work, but I also don't want to give up on the two of us truly having a happen life together, b/c it would be great.

 

I'm just torn....everytime I confront him, he says he needs to settle things and acts as if he wants this to stop, well then he sees me more than he did before....I don't get that....maybe things will just get to the point where he just has to decide...

[pinklove]

Hello Green Eyed Ann

 

 

I just wanted to tell u that I know what u are going through and these things happen to the best of us. I whole heartedly agree with the others, he is not going to leave his wife especially with kids involved too!!! There is no way. Som married men move in to prey on single women and tell them lies when they are bored at home or just not happy at home or whatever the situation may be at home, and they lie and tell u these sweet nothings, just so you can open up and give them what they want. Do you think a married man would walk up to u and say I'm bored at home, but I am not going to leave my wife, so will you have sex with me, or will you have fun with me? whatever the case. NO!!! They move in with the games and the lies because they no, there is no woman foolish enough (I think) that will be with them even with the circumstance that they are not going to leave their wives. So that's why they tell u the crap that they are going to leave their wives and they are planning their divorces and blah blah blah. Sorry to say, he was just looking for pleasure and preying in on your heart was his way of getting it. You are doing the right thing in not contacting him, he is better off where he is (probably laying up with his wife right now thinking of how much he made a fool out of you) and called u to see if u were okay or were u still suffering. I mean some men get pleasure out of hurting women. In due time, u will find a single no baggage man that will love u and treat u right and not prey in on ur feelings.

I wish u the best of luck

and I know u will heal

I'm pretty show all the women that posted u a comment can relate to that

because I've been there and I know. I can't tell u anything about nothing I have never experienced, but since I did I can tell u that u will heal, I promise. I did.

[JustHere]

Hi, I have to disagree somewhat with the overwhelming majority of the replies to this thread. Not ALL men are players, just as not all women are home wreckers. Your guy probably does love you but he is a human being with fears and anxieties just like you and everyone else. I seriously doubt he loves his wife more than you, and I believe he does love you more. But the truth is he is scared to death. I know, I am such a guy.

 

If he is like me, he loves his wife (if he said he doesn't THEN I would be curious). You cannot hardly have a marriage with someone and turn off the love you have for them. It is likely not a partner-type love anymore, but more of a nurturing or friend type. But he surely loves her and doesn't want to hurt her. If he is at all compassionate then the thought of how he is going to hurt this woman who he did give his vows to is truly a monumental obstacle. I have been driven more by my fear of hurting her (wife) than by my "desire" to be with the OW. So we put it off. What will she do? Will she be all right? Will she cry every night? If those thoughts are not entering his mind, then he's a thoughtless slug who you don't want anyway.

 

But if he is honest and open with his wife, as I have been, then she knows there's trouble and that husband has feelings for someone else. I suspect he has talked to his wife about his feelings and they have truly planned on divorce. But the act of "saying" it's over is damned scary. This hasn't even brought in the extraneous elements such as kids and finances. Would you not expect this guy, if he's worth a crap, to be sick to death knowing that he is going to hurt his wife and friend for x years as well as his children by following "HIS" desires and love? He feels selfish. But he struggles because he believes that after the pain the wife will be happier with someone else, too. Is love a forever deal? Or is it given to someone as long as they return it, and nourish it? If he fell in love with you then something was wrong at home (no blame laying, its irrelevant here). The wife is probably hanging on out of fear, too. No one willingly goes through the kind of pain associated with divorce or break up, happiness be damned!

 

I guess what I am saying is this--not all men are playing the field. It is a frightening time and if you truly love this man then be supportive, but distant. I frankly am glad that sex did not enter this mix for me... it clouds the real issue and makes things harder. In your case, though, you did the right thing by letting him know you refuse to be the strung along mistress. My OW has done similar and I can say that it "forces" the issue and makes you come to some sort of conclusion one way or the other. Divorce is a frightening proposition, and if you aren't supporting the other person you love (male or female) then you aren't truly a friend. But you cannot support them with sex... they need more. I do think that maybe you should let him know that you weren't saying goodbye, just saying make up your mind. In my case it is killing me wondering if SHE will be there for me when I walk out on the other side of this divorce. I will be alone for the first time in a lot of years.

 

So try, ladies, to consider that not all men have bad intentions and consider that they aren't supermen... they have fears even if they don't talk about them. They also have compassion for the one they married and don't want to hurt them for the sake of their selfish happiness. But they "know" that the mutual unhappiness wasn't necessarily the right thing for either. The wife DOESN'T have to be viewed as a loser in a divorce. She, too, will meet someone else who makes her happy. More maturity is needed by everyone. WHY would you keep a relationship going that isn't happy, truly, for the man or woman? Yes, for "comfort sake" you can, but why? Why not take the hard step and let each other find happiness? So many people marry young without "thinking" about compatibility issues that we think about later in life. Sad, but true. If partners are open, and HONEST, I believe they can remain friends through and after a divorce. I know several healthy examples of that.

 

I do have a problem with the "cheating/sex" elements of these cases, though, and so don't construe this to mean I condone that. Love happens, sex is chosen. There is really no excuse for that. Cheating while married is a huge violation of vows, trust and friendship, male or female. If you're doing it, don't be offended, but consider changing it if you believe it isn't right.

[Allison]

I have read hundreds of threads about the OM/OW on this site, and I have read all of this one too. I have to say that JustHere's post was one of the most thought-provoking replies I have ever read - because we don't hear too much from the married men on LS - just the forlorn OW and the many replies cursing these 'bastard MM.'

 

JustHere made me think about what it must be like for a married man who has to choose - a man who, otherwise a decent caring human being, has to actually, out loud, tell his wife he is leaving her. While we can all say "oh, well, he isn't a decent human being if he's cheating on his wife, and he's been hurting his wife the whole time he's been betraying her," but the truth is, there can be nothing worse than saying the words "I love someone else and I am leaving you" to someone you care about (even if you do not want to be with them anymore).

 

The idea that if a MM truly loved his OW, he would move heaven and earth for her and just leave his wife and family, is a naive one. Anyone who would act that decisively and coldly about such a delicate situation is not someone I would want to be with...in fact, it would bother me if my MM acted without compassion towards his wife. Yes, the bottom line is that being in the triangle of infidelity is awful, and one's own doing, but there can be a way out that is not any more awful than it needs to be. JustHere spoke to that same effect.

[pinklove]

I agree wholeheartedly

 

forgive me for being selfish in my reply post. JustHere that was real what u wrote, I being a woman never stopped to think about what the man feels when he is pressured in a relationship with the wife and OW. I know it must be stressful as well especially thinking about how things became the way that they did. I just want to really tell u that I respect what u wrote and I agree. After all it is a two way street here as well, I mean why be involved with someone if they are married anyway man or female??? Now if u don't know that they are married, then that's different and left for the OW or OM to decide what they want to do once they discover that, but if u know, then ur only setting urself up for possible heartbreak. So women or men, don't let it get to that point with someone that's married. Think about what u want and what could be the outcome in the end before getting involved with a married woman or man then that way u won't have to be picking ur heart up off the floor. I mean, when u do get involved, u can maybe expect some things to surface such as the married woman or man being confused on who he or she wants, when it comes down to a person they shared vows with and share a home as well as kids (if any) with. Ask urself will they want to sacrifice their married partners happiness for u (the OW or OM) I know when kids are involved, it does makes things more complicated, but don't get me wrong, I commend her in doing the right thing by not contacting him after three weeks, because I know she feels she doesn't want to have her happiness at stake and do not want to sacrifice her happiness and emotions for a man that's already taken and can decide any day that although the time with the OW was good, he rather stay with his wife instead. I wish all of u the best of luck though and hope everything works out well for u all. God bless.

[heythere!]

Nope, If you two have been together for so long and he's met your family, he would have done something a long time ago. Why didn't he marry you instead of his present wife? How many times has he been married. 3 or 4 would be my guess. good luck, if he hasn't called you he does not take your relationship seriously, and if he's having other affairs, which he is, he will show you the same respect he shows his wife, none.

[Skittles]

I agree with heythere.

 

After all is said and done, what is done is what counts, not what is said...Moving heaven and earth means doing what it takes to live a life of authenticity..something I mentioned in one of my posts back when .

 

It doesn't mean that you don't care for or love the BS, but that you are moving on, no matter how difficult it is...to keep it real.

 

.....and after so much time elapses MM is not likely to leave his marriage.

[pinklove]

So true.

[TZ]

Excellent post, JustHere. It's good to hear the other side of the story.

 

In my case, my ex-bf/MM of 5 months decided to reconcile with his separated wife of 1 year. I don't know if the reconciliation was mutual, or if she was the one that proposed it. The story is that SHE was the one who separated from him. Five months later I appear in his life and we have a great relationship. He has no intentions of returning to her. Now, BAM!, we hit a low point in our relationship (due to his unfounded and irrational insecurity/jealousy issues) and, coincidentally at around the same time, she contacts him to reconcile, and then he breaks it off with me.

 

I believe they had been talking for a while, but didn't want to tell me. In his last conversation he said it took him a couple of weeks to make the decision because he still wasn't sure. I wasn't sure why, during those same couple of weeks, he was treating me badly, like making sarcastic remarks about intimate stuff, talking to me like I was one of his buddies (instead of saying "hello" on the phone, he would say "what's up" or "uh huh"), and generally distancing himself from me. I didn't know what I was doing "wrong". That really sticks out in my mind right now. I wonder if he was 100% sure when he broke it off. I wonder if he's still wondering.

 

Three weeks and no contact.

[justcallmesnug]

The Truth About

 

Loving A Married Man

 

 

You will sacrifice of your time and energy in unwholesome, unhealthy and unsatisfying ways.

 

You will give up a measure of your power. He will always maintain control over the course and conduct of your relationship – your only choices are to accept it, or not.

 

You are not really all that special to him. He is using you to avoid dealing with his own painful reality, and you are simply a convenient vehicle.

 

Your replacement is just around the corner, and maybe even closer than that.

 

If he’s doing it to her, he’ll do it to you.

 

He will never be "with" you.

 

What she doesn’t know CAN hurt her, and you are a party to it.

 

What goes around, comes around.

 

You deserve better than this…

[TZ]

justcallmesnug, thanks for your reality check.

 

I must say that I appreciate everyone's comments on this board. I've read so many stories and have participated ina few forums, and have also posted about my issues and got a wide variety of responses. The most difficult part right now is having to deal with reality.

 

In his case, his wife lives abroad. They have a kid, which he is taking care of for now. He already told her about his relationship with me, although he said he didn't get into details about me with her. So she knew already. Maybe all he told her was "I'm involved with someone" and she probably thinks it's a mild relationship.

 

Funny thing is, I don't have harsh feelings for her wanting him back. I'm just feeling the loss of his love, his companionship. I'm feeling this pity for myself and for another lost relationship. I don't want to be alone anymore. I want to share life with someone.

 

He said that he cared for me, loved me, felt something special for me. He was there for me when I went through the death of my mother. He did things that were special, he acknowledged me in many ways. The harsh reality for me is having to think that his words/actions were meaningless. Deep inside I know he has a heart for me (again, some of you may bash me for this by telling me that such a thought is symptomatic of avoiding reality). It is very hard to believe that those words/actions were all false. He was the first one to say "may it be God's will that nothing or nobody separate us". We were extremely compatible, finishing each other's sentences and mirroring each other's thoughts. But we had our little differences that made knowing each other even more interesting. It went beyond liking similar music or food or movies (that was trivial). It came to mirroring each other's way of thinking. We were intellectually and physically matched.

 

It's like there are two sides to him, the side that cares for me/loves me and the side that did/said these things to me when he broke up with me over the phone.

 

EDIT: I realize I'm posting my own stuff in somebody else's thread. So I'll make this my last post here.

[JustHere]

Hello,

 

I didn't want to tee off the ladies here (most of whom seem to have been hurt by a MM). I merely wanted to show that there ARE in fact many "REAL" scenarios out there... why in the world do we have so many divorces if the MM/MW never leave their spouses? The fact is, many do leave for their OW/OM.

 

There is no shortage of guys who only want to play, and to use women. But I truly believe many of the posters here do a tremendous diservice if they use blanket statements to cover all men (MM in particular).

 

Look, whether it be the husband or wife, getting in any kind of relationship outside the marriage is wrong, we all know it. But you cannot control love. Where many people seem to run into trouble is when they let things progress into a physical relationship. As hard as it may be not to, there is no other way for the MM/MW and their "friend" to know if the relationship is based on sex or not. In my case, it has never become physical because 1) I didn't know FOR SURE whether or not I would in fact be divorcing my wife and 2) I didn't want her (OW) to think I was only after sex if I didn't get divorced; I TRULY love her too much for that, and me having to live the rest of my life thinking that she must have thought I was after sex would be too much.. Finally, SHE (OW) didn't want me to leave my wife over new and fabulous sex. In fact our relationship (OW and I), although obvious to us, is not at all a true relationship like most here are discussing. We know we love each other and have said so, but actual relationship "encounters" have not been a part of it. We agreed that my marriage has to end because it needs to end, and not just because I have a new love. Although I have to admit that not knowing for sure where my future stands with the OW is having a tremendous influence on me.

 

I guess what I am saying is this: If you blame your MM on all the problems associated with your relationship you are fooling no one. Sleeping with someone else who is married, or while YOU are married, can almost never lead anywhere good. You cannot control love but you can control your body. If it's true love, then divorce... there will be PLENTY of time for the wild sex later. In the meantime many people, like myself, choose to ride things out and make sure for all parties involved that a fair shake is given. For my wife, to make sure we cannot repair the failing relationship before I end it, and for my OW to make sure that she is in fact my true love and not a bandaid for an ailing marriage.

 

Nothing ticks me off quicker than people who think that just because they were betrayed by a MM (or whatever the type may be) that everyone must be so. Again, it would be no different than to say that every damn woman is a home wrecker for even getting into a relationship with a MM in the first place. YOU know that isn't the case. There are women who are driven by power, greed or whatever who go after a man for reasons other than love, but not all are like that, are they? Love has a way of sneaking up on you and before you know it the pain and suffering is already there. And the only way to end it is with more pain and suffering. There are plenty of married women sleeping around and falling in love with someone else... you need only look elsewhere in this forum to find posts from guys who are in that situation. This is not a gender specific phenomenon, so please, for the sake of people who are reaching out for help here, myself included, take the time to consider each person's situation and don't be so quick to crush what might be the love of a lifetime for THEM, just because your hopes may have been dashed. It seems so simple to say "Dump him, he's a snake and will never leave her."

 

And I just love the line "If he's doing it to her, he'll do it to you." Pure crap. My marriage went south years ago, long before I even thought I could fall for someone else. And it was/is mutual. Yes, if "I" and my future new wife were to fall into the same trap of neglecting a marriage then it could happen again. But fortunately I happen to believe that not all humans are dumb butts and can learn from their mistakes. I was about 4 years old when I learned that sticking my finger too close to the candle hurt like hell.... I haven't done it since. I have felt the pain of letting a marriage fall apart.... I can't imagine rushing in to let another fall apart. My wife was the love of my life years ago, I worshipped her. But I cannot even attempt to explain where that feeling went or if its possible to get it back. I guess those are answers that many of us are trying to get. I hope everyone finds their answers and lasting happiness. I hope those who are miserable don't spread that misery without regard for the others here. I think there are a lot of good hearts lurking around the shack, searching for hope and guidance... and to them I offer this: you can tell if a person's reply is based on misery, so do NOT let them sway you.... soak in all the tid bits you can and search your own heart with the wisdom you get here and elsewhere. I think it is the only way WE'LL be able to make the best choices.

 

I wish everyone the best of luck with their relationships and hope that we all find relief for the pain that these types of relationships cause... it is killing me, for sure.

[momtotwo]

Remember: The man who marries his mistress leaves a vacancy for that position.

 

You'll never be able to trust him because you know how you got him. It's bad news. Let him screw up his own life by himself. Or else you'll go down with him.