Today is the day!!

[rainiejae]

I am so over the top excited! Today is the day my baby moves to Seattle so we can be together!!! 3 hours, 45 minutes.

 

I have been to excited to sleep this week & have been up since 1AM. I am so tired/head in the clouds I filled the sugar bowl & put it in the microwave. Stood there wondering how much time to set it for & then realized, um...HELLO!! hahaha

 

I still can't believe everything that has happened in the last 3.5 months & every day I wonder how I got so lucky to find my needle in a haystack 3000 miles away.

 

No more sad good-byes & now the final countdown to our wedding!

[HeavenOrHell]

@ the sugar bowl

 

Have a wonderful first day together and a happy life together

Let us know how things go

 

 

I am so over the top excited! Today is the day my baby moves to Seattle so we can be together!!! 3 hours, 45 minutes.

 

I have been to excited to sleep this week & have been up since 1AM. I am so tired/head in the clouds I filled the sugar bowl & put it in the microwave. Stood there wondering how much time to set it for & then realized, um...HELLO!! hahaha

 

I still can't believe everything that has happened in the last 3.5 months & every day I wonder how I got so lucky to find my needle in a haystack 3000 miles away.

 

No more sad good-byes & now the final countdown to our wedding!

[folieadeux]

SO happy for you!!!!!!!!

 

Best of luck to you both again!

[rainiejae]

OMG...

I have never been so shocked, confused & horrified as I am now. So he got here on the 30th. Since I don't drive my best friend took me to the airport to get him. We couldn't get super close to the curb so I got out of the car & went towards him. When I got there I planted a big kiss on his cheeck. His response "Oh, didn't see you". Um..okay. We got in the car & I let him sit up front so he could have a better view of the city as we entered it (I live DT). I was so excited he was here, my bff was so excited to finally meet him (they had friended each other on FB as most my friends did). I was talking a mile a minute & asking all kinds of questions. He barely acknowledged me & kind of grunted "uh-huh". I was crushed that he was being so weird but thought maybe he was tired from a long day of travel.

I have a pretty decent apartment & an amazing view. So I was excited to see how he'd respond to his new home. He didn't at all. No comment, no conversation, gloomy look. Again, I chose not to let it bother me.

The next day I figured I'd take him to the Pike Place Market & around DT after we met a very good friend of mine for lunch. He never spoke to either of us. Again, I'm happy & animated & he looked glum & wouldn't talk to me. I asked him what was wrong & he said nothing. I mentioned that he seemed really unhappy & barely had spoke to me at all. He said he was having a great time, super happy to be with me & was so happy he came. Um...okay.

The next day, more of the same EXCEPT...he then tells me "BTW...I only came with $25 and only have $10 left". WHAT????

I had asked him repeatedly in the 2 months of planning if he was saving money. Mostly because he was ordering out alot, going out & I knew he didn't really make very much. He said he totally was & it was handled. I said great & reminded him I wasn't going to support him & to remember he would have to pay his half of Aprils rent. I also asked him a week before he was coming if he'd had enough time to be financially okay or did I need to change the ticket. Again, he said he was all set.

I was so angry when he told me this but sat on it for a couple days. The next day my Sister picked us up so we could spend the night out there & she could meet him. The next day she wanted to take us to the Experience Music Project, her treat thank goodness...

Sadly, he still was being moody & weird, not having any conversation with me or my family. Still insisting nothing was wrong & he was really happy. Let me also say, he wasn't being at all intimate with me up to this point either...

The next day we all went to the EMP & by looking at him, you'd swear he was miserable.

When we finally got home I told him I needed a break from people & wanted to go read for a little bit. He sat on the couch, staring at the wall! Oh, you'll love this, let me back track a few nights to tell you another tidbit. So I muted the TV when it was time for dinner. When we were done eating we came back to the couch. I grabbed my laptop & he sat here staring at the muted TV. I told him "You know you can unmute the TV & not just read CC"..."Yeah, I'm okay...Seriously???

Anyhow, back to me taking a time out...

I was so mad at how I was being treated, how he was treating my friends/family, the lack of money & at this point, no effort to job hunt. I came out to the living room & told him we needed to talk. I laid it all out. He just stared at the floor! He wouldn't talk to me at all. The most I got out of him was "This is just how I am". I reminded him that the guy I fell in love with talked all the time, was affectionate & motivated. Again, asking if he was having a hard time with the move & being away from his family. He swore he was glad to be gone & loved being here. He then did finally go job hunt for about 4 hours.

A couple days later (and still not talking to me) he was back to not job hunting, his final checks were still not here & his half of the rent was now late & I had to beg my apt manager to not charge me a late fee or be upset. Thankfully I have been here for 11 years so she worked with me. I then had to force him to go to a temp agency since job hunting online wasn't really panning out. He has no skills so was going for a warehouse job. He ended up getting a part time graveyard shift for very little pay but at least it was something! However the way he was treating me wasn't okay & I suggested he go back to MA as it wasn't working out & I didn't even know who the stranger in my house was. He kind of mumbled & stared at the floor. I was so upset I left & went downstairs to the community room with my laptop. I came back home hours later & he begged me to let him stay & he was so sorry for the way he treated me & he had no idea what his problem was. Sigh...okay, will give it a chance.

I actually had the guy I fell in love with back for about 2 days...

Yesterday he started in on mopey, quiet & moody. I asked if there was something wrong, he said nope. Um, okay...this continued all day & last night it was too much for me to handle. He has a long time friend & a cousin who live here & I told him this was not working & I wanted him out. I was not going to be treated badly for one more second. He said he would call his cousin & go there.

He packed clothes & left.

I was crushed at how it all turned out. I deleted him off my friend list on FB as I just didn't want to be connected anymore. Oh geez...then my friends who were connected to him let me know he was telling everyone he was kicked out & sleeping under a bridge DT. WHAT???? He told me his was going to his cousins & I never would kick someone to the streets. If he didn't have friends/family here I would have let him stay till he could move back to MA. I am not heartless. I got up this morning & a few of his friends who had friended me had posted saying how awful I was & where is he we are worried, no one can reach him. I deleted their comments, deleted them. I then get a very nasty call from his cousin (no idea how she got my number unless she talked to him as I am not listed & have never met/talked to her) demanding I tell her where he is. I told her he said he was calling you & going to stay there & that's the last I heard from him. She started screaming at me that she couldn't reach him because his phone was dead & he couldn't contact her. I mentioned that his phone was working enough to tell people he was forced to "live on the streets" on FB so he should have called her & that's all I knew. I told her to have a nice day, hung up & then blocked her number so she can't reach me again.

I have not heard from him today, I don't know if he is okay & most of my friends deleted him as the slandering & trash talking of me wasn't something they wanted to see since it wasn't even true.

I am completely heartbroken. I have no idea who the person was who moved here was but I wish the guy I fell in love with had...

I have almost everything of his packed up & am going to start shipping it back to MA tomorrow.

 

Sorry this is so long...it's been a hellish 2 weeks.

[hoping2heal]

OMG...

I have never been so shocked, confused & horrified as I am now. So he got here on the 30th. Since I don't drive my best friend took me to the airport to get him. We couldn't get super close to the curb so I got out of the car & went towards him. When I got there I planted a big kiss on his cheeck. His response "Oh, didn't see you". Um..okay. We got in the car & I let him sit up front so he could have a better view of the city as we entered it (I live DT). I was so excited he was here, my bff was so excited to finally meet him (they had friended each other on FB as most my friends did). I was talking a mile a minute & asking all kinds of questions. He barely acknowledged me & kind of grunted "uh-huh". I was crushed that he was being so weird but thought maybe he was tired from a long day of travel.

I have a pretty decent apartment & an amazing view. So I was excited to see how he'd respond to his new home. He didn't at all. No comment, no conversation, gloomy look. Again, I chose not to let it bother me.

The next day I figured I'd take him to the Pike Place Market & around DT after we met a very good friend of mine for lunch. He never spoke to either of us. Again, I'm happy & animated & he looked glum & wouldn't talk to me. I asked him what was wrong & he said nothing. I mentioned that he seemed really unhappy & barely had spoke to me at all. He said he was having a great time, super happy to be with me & was so happy he came. Um...okay.

The next day, more of the same EXCEPT...he then tells me "BTW...I only came with $25 and only have $10 left". WHAT????

I had asked him repeatedly in the 2 months of planning if he was saving money. Mostly because he was ordering out alot, going out & I knew he didn't really make very much. He said he totally was & it was handled. I said great & reminded him I wasn't going to support him & to remember he would have to pay his half of Aprils rent. I also asked him a week before he was coming if he'd had enough time to be financially okay or did I need to change the ticket. Again, he said he was all set.

I was so angry when he told me this but sat on it for a couple days. The next day my Sister picked us up so we could spend the night out there & she could meet him. The next day she wanted to take us to the Experience Music Project, her treat thank goodness...

Sadly, he still was being moody & weird, not having any conversation with me or my family. Still insisting nothing was wrong & he was really happy. Let me also say, he wasn't being at all intimate with me up to this point either...

The next day we all went to the EMP & by looking at him, you'd swear he was miserable.

When we finally got home I told him I needed a break from people & wanted to go read for a little bit. He sat on the couch, staring at the wall! Oh, you'll love this, let me back track a few nights to tell you another tidbit. So I muted the TV when it was time for dinner. When we were done eating we came back to the couch. I grabbed my laptop & he sat here staring at the muted TV. I told him "You know you can unmute the TV & not just read CC"..."Yeah, I'm okay...Seriously???

Anyhow, back to me taking a time out...

I was so mad at how I was being treated, how he was treating my friends/family, the lack of money & at this point, no effort to job hunt. I came out to the living room & told him we needed to talk. I laid it all out. He just stared at the floor! He wouldn't talk to me at all. The most I got out of him was "This is just how I am". I reminded him that the guy I fell in love with talked all the time, was affectionate & motivated. Again, asking if he was having a hard time with the move & being away from his family. He swore he was glad to be gone & loved being here. He then did finally go job hunt for about 4 hours.

A couple days later (and still not talking to me) he was back to not job hunting, his final checks were still not here & his half of the rent was now late & I had to beg my apt manager to not charge me a late fee or be upset. Thankfully I have been here for 11 years so she worked with me. I then had to force him to go to a temp agency since job hunting online wasn't really panning out. He has no skills so was going for a warehouse job. He ended up getting a part time graveyard shift for very little pay but at least it was something! However the way he was treating me wasn't okay & I suggested he go back to MA as it wasn't working out & I didn't even know who the stranger in my house was. He kind of mumbled & stared at the floor. I was so upset I left & went downstairs to the community room with my laptop. I came back home hours later & he begged me to let him stay & he was so sorry for the way he treated me & he had no idea what his problem was. Sigh...okay, will give it a chance.

I actually had the guy I fell in love with back for about 2 days...

Yesterday he started in on mopey, quiet & moody. I asked if there was something wrong, he said nope. Um, okay...this continued all day & last night it was too much for me to handle. He has a long time friend & a cousin who live here & I told him this was not working & I wanted him out. I was not going to be treated badly for one more second. He said he would call his cousin & go there.

He packed clothes & left.

I was crushed at how it all turned out. I deleted him off my friend list on FB as I just didn't want to be connected anymore. Oh geez...then my friends who were connected to him let me know he was telling everyone he was kicked out & sleeping under a bridge DT. WHAT???? He told me his was going to his cousins & I never would kick someone to the streets. If he didn't have friends/family here I would have let him stay till he could move back to MA. I am not heartless. I got up this morning & a few of his friends who had friended me had posted saying how awful I was & where is he we are worried, no one can reach him. I deleted their comments, deleted them. I then get a very nasty call from his cousin (no idea how she got my number unless she talked to him as I am not listed & have never met/talked to her) demanding I tell her where he is. I told her he said he was calling you & going to stay there & that's the last I heard from him. She started screaming at me that she couldn't reach him because his phone was dead & he couldn't contact her. I mentioned that his phone was working enough to tell people he was forced to "live on the streets" on FB so he should have called her & that's all I knew. I told her to have a nice day, hung up & then blocked her number so she can't reach me again.

I have not heard from him today, I don't know if he is okay & most of my friends deleted him as the slandering & trash talking of me wasn't something they wanted to see since it wasn't even true.

I am completely heartbroken. I have no idea who the person was who moved here was but I wish the guy I fell in love with had...

I have almost everything of his packed up & am going to start shipping it back to MA tomorrow.

 

Sorry this is so long...it's been a hellish 2 weeks.

 

Oh I am so sorry that it turned out this way It seems that this guy was not honest with you and this is the killer of any relationship. I have come to know a fair bit of couples by now who have met online. Meeting online and taking it to the real world can work but only if both parties are 100% authentic and genuine to who they are, shortfalls and all. I am so sorry it ended this way, but at least you found out now instead of after having invested several years to a LDR and then moving in together only to have the truth come out.

 

I know some people might say you guys moved too fast, but in this case not at all, since he was not who he portrayed himself to be, making things real in real-life have worked to your benefit. It's so disheartening what has happened but you seem like a wonderful and smart lady for certain! I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself and a million hugs

[Tayla]

you truly deserve this comment:

You are a remarkable and strong lady. I admire someone who gave til your limit was crossed. You know your boundaries and I applaud you for being fairminded and realistic with what was presented before you. Sorry though that you had to go thru this . From the heart to the head I wish you peace.

[rainiejae]

Thank you both for your kind words. I would have kept giving if he'd just wanted to communicate as I felt that what we had was worth it & couldn't for the life of me figure out why it was happening to begin with.

Yes, some could say it was fast, because it was. However, it went at the pace it was meant to & nothing was ever "rushed", just fell in to place. Also I had gone & spent time with him a few times, we skyped for hours every night without fail. I don't know how he could keep up the pretense of being this neat person who loved to communicate for so long if it wasn't who he was.

Then to know he was trash talking me (I'm sure to save face) on FB to everyone felt like a bigger slap in the face after everything I did for him & we were for each other. I don't even know if he's still forcing himself to "sleep on the streets" & is in danger or if he finally went to his cousins.

It's all just so, shocking...

Oh well, I did everything I could & some things just aren't meant to be.

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm so sorry to hear this, you didn't deserve this

Admittedly I did have alarm bells ringing when you said he was moving in with you so quickly, but I hoped your r/ship would be an exception and that it would work out.

In my experience we can't know someone properly until we've spent at least 2 months solidly in their company.

You must be so gutted if he didn't want to move why didn't he tell you that? Could he have got swept up in the excitement of it all but the reality was harder?

Hope you are ok ((((((hugs)))))). Let us know how you're doing.

[aerogurl87]

I'm sorry to hear that. All you can know is that you did your part by being honest with who you were and that you tried. He on the other hand, didn't and that's not your fault. We can only be responsible for our own decisions and not that of others, so be thankful your rid of him as he wasn't worth your time anyway. And at least you didn't move to be with him.

[rainiejae]

Well my sister did see him post that he did make it to his cousins before she delete him. I was worried sick & haven't heard a peep out of him.

At first I was angry, then as the day passed yesterday I started to get sad. Today, I'm working on very little sleep & feel very broken. The tears wont stop & I can't get "how could you do this to me" out of my head. Tears are pointless I know. I will end up drained, even sadder & puffy eyes. However, I loved him, still love him. I know it wont work & I am not looking for him to come back but I guess I wish he'd talk to me & give me closure, which I know I wont ever get.

I do know he loves me & I do know he's probably very broken to that he ruined everything but it doesn't change the fact, it's broke.

I know to give it time & I'll heal I just hate the direct aftermath of heartache. He asked me to be his wife, I don't take that lightly. He promised me he'd never hurt me & that I'd never feel heartache again from a relationship ending.

Live & learn I guess. Sorry to ramble, I'm just so sad...

[Irishlove]

I had a similiar experience when I was younger. I met a guy in my home town and he swept me off my feet. He was funny, loving, introduced me to his parents. Oh he was wonderful. We made plans that I would move over to his state (eight states away) so time past and I eventually took all that I owned and rode a grey hound bus to his state. He picked me up and there was no kiss hello or hug or anything. Very little talk when we got to his apartment. I only came with $150 because that's all I had.

 

 

Once I was unpacked (he made me put my clothes in the guest room closet) but I slept in his bed. All of a sudden I became his private sex slave. All the time, non-stop. I job hunted all the time. One night he came in and threw a bounced check at me saying "you need to get a fkn job, I bounced a check" so that was a red flag. A few nights later we went out with his friends and he had his friend hit on me. Gross. So we get back to his house and he hands me a sexy outfit and said he bought it for me to put it on. So I went into the bathroom and while looking at the outfit I noticed there was crotch stains on it. omggggg. I freaked out. I told him I was leaving the next day.

 

Thank goodness friends of my family member lived by and was going back to my state offered me a ride. He dropped me off and said "I hope this is what you wanted".

 

Oh I forgot to mention, earlier that afternoon a great job was offered to me on his answering maching and I left it there.

 

It was like he changed. The funniest part is I can not remember his last name. I couldn't tell you much about it. Oh, I remember we said we were going to get married too. I also got sad but got over it.

 

Worst mistake of my life. Live and learn. I must have been desperate.

[rainiejae]

Wow, after hearing your story I feel better already...

My situation is just very confusing & I think a lot of it has to do with I think I wasn't quite aware of how bad his drinking problem was & for how long it had been going on. However he knew I wasn't interested in being with a severe drinker so wasn't drinking unless we went out socially. I am fairly certain the personality change & other things was due to withdraws. Sadly he had told me before he didn't think he had a problem & was only drinking out of boredom so he is in the denial stage. However, looking back on a few things I saw & things said by his family/friends I was clued in & for whatever reason, I'm thinking the fact that he was showing me the opposite, I didn't truly see what I should have.

As for desperate, never was & never will be. I fell in love & acted on it. Nothing more, nothing less but sadly it proved to not be a good fit. I'm sad because we had a lot to look forward to & then poof, it's gone. I am thankful that I didn't move there & thankful I have such wonderful friends who are just as shocked as I am & been the support I need.

[Tayla]

You genuinely have the right mind set to see yourself thru this. Surrounding yourself with positive support and a desire to move forward and not dwell in the "regrets".

 

I sincerely can say this to any folk going thru "troubleing moments". Do not regret going thru such foolish things, for it was thru them that wisdom was bestowed. OTherwise one remains nieve and foolish. SO even when we go thru things that at that moment seem terribly heartbreaking, there is a gift in the end; peace, a new sense of self and more then anything a heart that does and can heal. We become rejuvenated to life and the concept of love. Even if its the "re-loving" of ourselves for moving on. ANd I get it you can still love that person that gave such sorrow for in some ways we allow ourselves the right to see the goodness that was there.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Wow, after hearing your story I feel better already...

My situation is just very confusing & I think a lot of it has to do with I think I wasn't quite aware of how bad his drinking problem was & for how long it had been going on. However he knew I wasn't interested in being with a severe drinker so wasn't drinking unless we went out socially. I am fairly certain the personality change & other things was due to withdraws. Sadly he had told me before he didn't think he had a problem & was only drinking out of boredom so he is in the denial stage. However, looking back on a few things I saw & things said by his family/friends I was clued in & for whatever reason, I'm thinking the fact that he was showing me the opposite, I didn't truly see what I should have.

As for desperate, never was & never will be. I fell in love & acted on it. Nothing more, nothing less but sadly it proved to not be a good fit. I'm sad because we had a lot to look forward to & then poof, it's gone. I am thankful that I didn't move there & thankful I have such wonderful friends who are just as shocked as I am & been the support I need.

 

 

Wow, this thread has been so surprising, and so educational... but then your post here at least sheds SOME light on what could have been the root cause of his behavior.

 

People on the net obviously struggle to synchronize their senses OF one another, in both directions. Once you meet in person for the first time, you need some amount of time to merely bring together what your mind SENSED, and what the other actually said/felt (during just about every significant topic you've shared to date).

 

And it is so tough to will yourself to walk in believing the best and full of optimism - especially if you're a woman, and the safety issue is always hovering too.

 

Of course the guy, at his core, may well have wanted to quit drinking, and have something/someone else to focus on in order to inspire him to quit.

 

So if he did stop drinking, cold turkey, in order to better 'present himself' to you upon arrival, the stated moods may very well have been a reaction to that.

 

I remember the old phrase that goes:

 

"When you need a drink to be social, that's not 'social drinking'..."

 

Perhaps you are right on target in this latest post.

[rainiejae]

Wow, this thread has been so surprising, and so educational... but then your post here at least sheds SOME light on what could have been the root cause of his behavior.

 

People on the net obviously struggle to synchronize their senses OF one another, in both directions. Once you meet in person for the first time, you need some amount of time to merely bring together what your mind SENSED, and what the other actually said/felt (during just about every significant topic you've shared to date).

 

And it is so tough to will yourself to walk in believing the best and full of optimism - especially if you're a woman, and the safety issue is always hovering too.

 

Of course the guy, at his core, may well have wanted to quit drinking, and have something/someone else to focus on in order to inspire him to quit.

 

So if he did stop drinking, cold turkey, in order to better 'present himself' to you upon arrival, the stated moods may very well have been a reaction to that.

 

I remember the old phrase that goes:

 

"When you need a drink to be social, that's not 'social drinking'..."

 

Perhaps you are right on target in this latest post.

 

 

Yes, everything I've had to post is very shocking...sigh...

Well he didn't need to quit cold turkey & we did go out socially a few times & have drinks but he was used to daily drinking...and not just a beer after work but 12...I had him start cutting down well before he came but I noticed on skype a few times he was sneaking it or trying to justify WHY he needed it or...

Since it's not up to me to say "you have a problem", it's his job to say that if he really wants to quit, I was just trying to get him to drink less. I figured alcohol dependency was a lot of the personality problem as it feel right in line with symptoms he would have even down to the shakes at times. I in my many attempts to get him to open up I started it with asking what was going on, why was he treating me like this as no matter what he's thinking/feeling I love him unconditionally & am 100% here for him. That comfort sadly was never enough to get him to realize himself the root of the problem. I truly think he has no idea how bad it is. Sadly also he will be going back to MA & moving back in with his brother who is fall down drunk EVERY day.

All very sad...but, I am not here to "save" him, I was just here to love him. He has to save himself but not at my emotional expense.

 

Yes, that old saying is so very "nail on the head".

[hoping2heal]

Yes, everything I've had to post is very shocking...sigh...

Well he didn't need to quit cold turkey & we did go out socially a few times & have drinks but he was used to daily drinking...and not just a beer after work but 12...I had him start cutting down well before he came but I noticed on skype a few times he was sneaking it or trying to justify WHY he needed it or...

Since it's not up to me to say "you have a problem", it's his job to say that if he really wants to quit, I was just trying to get him to drink less. I figured alcohol dependency was a lot of the personality problem as it feel right in line with symptoms he would have even down to the shakes at times. I in my many attempts to get him to open up I started it with asking what was going on, why was he treating me like this as no matter what he's thinking/feeling I love him unconditionally & am 100% here for him. That comfort sadly was never enough to get him to realize himself the root of the problem. I truly think he has no idea how bad it is. Sadly also he will be going back to MA & moving back in with his brother who is fall down drunk EVERY day.

All very sad...but, I am not here to "save" him, I was just here to love him. He has to save himself but not at my emotional expense.

 

Yes, that old saying is so very "nail on the head".

 

Reading everything that has been posted this makes a lot of sense and it probably exactly what happened. You mentioned that you don't think he has any idea how bad the problem is but in the reality, I don't think that is the case either. He likely thinks he is the worst person in the world because of his alchohol problem. That is the reason for the denial; because the addict thinks the problem makes them so tainted and awful that it becomes difficult to embrace it as a problem. They often become crippled in the ability to see the problem as "I drink too much and I need to stop." They see it as "I have a drinking problem and I'm a horrible, disgusting human being." It just becomes an endless cycle of believing very bad and damaging things about onself and then using the self medicating behavior to ease those bad feelings.

 

What a tough thing to go through, for you both.

[rainiejae]

Reading everything that has been posted this makes a lot of sense and it probably exactly what happened. You mentioned that you don't think he has any idea how bad the problem is but in the reality, I don't think that is the case either. He likely thinks he is the worst person in the world because of his alchohol problem. That is the reason for the denial; because the addict thinks the problem makes them so tainted and awful that it becomes difficult to embrace it as a problem. They often become crippled in the ability to see the problem as "I drink too much and I need to stop." They see it as "I have a drinking problem and I'm a horrible, disgusting human being." It just becomes an endless cycle of believing very bad and damaging things about onself and then using the self medicating behavior to ease those bad feelings.

 

What a tough thing to go through, for you both.

 

 

Really? Oh that is so awful...this all breaks my heart. I made it very clear with actions & words that I was here & would love him no matter what. I wish he could have seen that. I know he didn't hurt me on purpose but now I fear he is going to be so disgusted with himself about what he has done that he will drink even more. He's killing himself & going back to a dead end town & his support system is alcoholics...they will share drinks & feed in to the "poor you" process...

ugh...I feel sick over it all...

[hoping2heal]

Really? Oh that is so awful...this all breaks my heart. I made it very clear with actions & words that I was here & would love him no matter what. I wish he could have seen that. I know he didn't hurt me on purpose but now I fear he is going to be so disgusted with himself about what he has done that he will drink even more. He's killing himself & going back to a dead end town & his support system is alcoholics...they will share drinks & feed in to the "poor you" process...

ugh...I feel sick over it all...

 

I know, it really is so very sad. From his perspective (and please know I am not at all suggesting you are faulty or in the wrong) he probably is not realizing why you kicked him out and is probably just telling himself that you could not accept him and love him once you knew.

 

You are absolutely right that it is not up to you to fix his drinking problem, so it's with a very thin line that I walk this train of thought. Have you considered reaching out to him and, well I should say; would you consider reaching out to him and letting him know that you still love him- and don't think he is the worst person in the world - and that you would support him in getting better but you cannot and will not enable him nor will you be his "mother" and get on him about taking care of it himself?

 

It is perfectly understandable if you are not open to that and no judgement. He has some work to do on himself, clearly - but I know how much you love him and while it's true you certainly cannot be there to enable him and the like, if he knows he has your support he may agree to work on getting better.

 

It's just a thought and again, I know this is a really fragile situation.

[rainiejae]

I know, it really is so very sad. From his perspective (and please know I am not at all suggesting you are faulty or in the wrong) he probably is not realizing why you kicked him out and is probably just telling himself that you could not accept him and love him once you knew.

 

You are absolutely right that it is not up to you to fix his drinking problem, so it's with a very thin line that I walk this train of thought. Have you considered reaching out to him and, well I should say; would you consider reaching out to him and letting him know that you still love him- and don't think he is the worst person in the world - and that you would support him in getting better but you cannot and will not enable him nor will you be his "mother" and get on him about taking care of it himself?

 

It is perfectly understandable if you are not open to that and no judgement. He has some work to do on himself, clearly - but I know how much you love him and while it's true you certainly cannot be there to enable him and the like, if he knows he has your support he may agree to work on getting better.

 

It's just a thought and again, I know this is a really fragile situation.

 

 

Not only would I consider it, I did it...

Yesterday I emailed him. I laid my heart on the line. I told him I loved him very much, was very confused and asked him to please contact me & not let us throw away everything we had. That if we worked together there was no reason to fail.

After about an hour I realized he may not have the data portion of his pre-paid up & so sent him a text asking if he got my email & now that I had reached out would he be willing to reach back & meet me in the middle...

No response at all.

 

Today I was talking to a friend about all of this & before I was getting slandered she was friends on FB with him too. She said maybe I wasn't getting a response because he didn't know as he has posted Tuesday that his battery was dying (charger is here at my house). She asked if I called to see. I told her I was too chicken because if it was on that meant he was ignoring me. She said she would call. His phone was on, rang 5 times & she left him a VM. She said we were all very worried, did he get my messages trying to reach out & talk, did he want to talk or should I ship his stuff. She asked him to please call me but if he was too nervous to call her so we knew he was safe. She also suggested since it had been over 24 hours I try another text. She thought maybe he just needed to keep seeing effort...

So I sent a text saying I was worried, that I still love him and to please contact me. An hour later someone told me he hadn't been on FB at all since Tuesday & that his cousin posted she was going to help him go back. I panicked! If he leaves it's to late!

 

I threw on the big girl panties & threw out the chicken and called him...he let VM pick up.

I left him a very sincere VM, telling him I love him, I am worried, I don't know if he's okay, I don't think it needs to end like this & if we could just have a chance to talk & see. I told him I had lined up a ride to help me start shipping his things out tomorrow as if he doesn't want to work things out I needed to do the right thing & send things to him ASAP. I told him it would break my heart to start shipping so to please-please call me before it's too late & everything starts to get final.

That was 4 hours ago...he hasn't called/emailed/texted either me of my friend to even say I'm okay, please ship...Nothing...

 

I feel so broken. I think there is a really good chance he's gone & it's too late. Going back= despair. He will be surrounding by consoling drunks & be so devastated I fear he will drink himself to death. I know for a fact he loves me, I know for a fact he wanted to be with me, I know for a fact he really wanted the life he was being offered. To have what seems like failed in his eyes is going to ruin him.

 

I emailed his sister as she was one of the people who begged me to help him stop drinking. I told her everything that happened, what symptoms he had displayed & I begged her to not let him drink himself to death. I told her I loved him very much, never wanted him to leave Seattle, would have done anything as support but got overwhelmed the the man I loved didn't move here. I told her if he'd just given it a day we could have worked it out. I think I haven't heard from him because he didn't see the email reaching out till he had left...

 

What I don't understand it everything he owns is here. Computer, books, safe, clothes, toiletries...everything. Not once did he want to get anything, pack anything, make sure I knew where to send it...

 

I am very confused by all of this...

[hoping2heal]

Not only would I consider it, I did it...

Yesterday I emailed him. I laid my heart on the line. I told him I loved him very much, was very confused and asked him to please contact me & not let us throw away everything we had. That if we worked together there was no reason to fail.

After about an hour I realized he may not have the data portion of his pre-paid up & so sent him a text asking if he got my email & now that I had reached out would he be willing to reach back & meet me in the middle...

No response at all.

 

Today I was talking to a friend about all of this & before I was getting slandered she was friends on FB with him too. She said maybe I wasn't getting a response because he didn't know as he has posted Tuesday that his battery was dying (charger is here at my house). She asked if I called to see. I told her I was too chicken because if it was on that meant he was ignoring me. She said she would call. His phone was on, rang 5 times & she left him a VM. She said we were all very worried, did he get my messages trying to reach out & talk, did he want to talk or should I ship his stuff. She asked him to please call me but if he was too nervous to call her so we knew he was safe. She also suggested since it had been over 24 hours I try another text. She thought maybe he just needed to keep seeing effort...

So I sent a text saying I was worried, that I still love him and to please contact me. An hour later someone told me he hadn't been on FB at all since Tuesday & that his cousin posted she was going to help him go back. I panicked! If he leaves it's to late!

 

I threw on the big girl panties & threw out the chicken and called him...he let VM pick up.

I left him a very sincere VM, telling him I love him, I am worried, I don't know if he's okay, I don't think it needs to end like this & if we could just have a chance to talk & see. I told him I had lined up a ride to help me start shipping his things out tomorrow as if he doesn't want to work things out I needed to do the right thing & send things to him ASAP. I told him it would break my heart to start shipping so to please-please call me before it's too late & everything starts to get final.

That was 4 hours ago...he hasn't called/emailed/texted either me of my friend to even say I'm okay, please ship...Nothing...

 

I feel so broken. I think there is a really good chance he's gone & it's too late. Going back= despair. He will be surrounding by consoling drunks & be so devastated I fear he will drink himself to death. I know for a fact he loves me, I know for a fact he wanted to be with me, I know for a fact he really wanted the life he was being offered. To have what seems like failed in his eyes is going to ruin him.

 

I emailed his sister as she was one of the people who begged me to help him stop drinking. I told her everything that happened, what symptoms he had displayed & I begged her to not let him drink himself to death. I told her I loved him very much, never wanted him to leave Seattle, would have done anything as support but got overwhelmed the the man I loved didn't move here. I told her if he'd just given it a day we could have worked it out. I think I haven't heard from him because he didn't see the email reaching out till he had left...

 

What I don't understand it everything he owns is here. Computer, books, safe, clothes, toiletries...everything. Not once did he want to get anything, pack anything, make sure I knew where to send it...

 

I am very confused by all of this...

 

No matter what happens from here, I think you will look back and have peace that you reached out to the man you love. I know it must be so very hard not to take it personal right now but he could really be anywhere, possibly in a crying, drunken stupor. He may not have answered the calls because he cannot face you yet. He may think you will cry, scream, yell at him for what he's done to you and he just cannot face his VM to hear that or take the call.

 

He has a lot to feel guilty and ashamed for and he must certainly be amplifying that in his mind. He knows you were loving and generous and took him in and you trusted him. He knows that not only did he exploit that by lying about his drinking problem, he treated you badly, dissapointed you, and then publicly slandered you too boot.

 

Give it some time, I really think you did the right thing. When he does bring himself to find out how you are feeling he is going to be floored I am sure. He probably never could have imagined you still loving him in spite of major major mistakes, and it might begin to hit home just a little how deep that your love goes.

[rainiejae]

No matter what happens from here, I think you will look back and have peace that you reached out to the man you love. I know it must be so very hard not to take it personal right now but he could really be anywhere, possibly in a crying, drunken stupor. He may not have answered the calls because he cannot face you yet. He may think you will cry, scream, yell at him for what he's done to you and he just cannot face his VM to hear that or take the call.

 

He has a lot to feel guilty and ashamed for and he must certainly be amplifying that in his mind. He knows you were loving and generous and took him in and you trusted him. He knows that not only did he exploit that by lying about his drinking problem, he treated you badly, dissapointed you, and then publicly slandered you too boot.

 

Give it some time, I really think you did the right thing. When he does bring himself to find out how you are feeling he is going to be floored I am sure. He probably never could have imagined you still loving him in spite of major major mistakes, and it might begin to hit home just a little how deep that your love goes.

 

 

You have had the best things to say to me and they have been very helpful, thank you.

I heard from him last night and he is still in Washington & is coming back here sometime today so we can work together in making this work. We only talked very briefly so nothing was discussed but he did see the last email I sent last night and he knows where my heart is. I am a firm believer that nothing of importance is handled in a conversation over the phone, email or text. When I finally got his call all I wanted to convey was "come home". Everything that needs to be figured out, needs to be in person.

All I have thought about it I know what we felt and that doesn't disappear over night & it seemed wrong to throw it all away after only 2 weeks together.

Yes, he should have been more honest with me but even though he already knew I loved him & wanted to be with him, to be open about this takes a huge amount of trust & belief in the other person. He now knows without a doubt how I feel for him & what I will do to be with him.

I of course will not continue the relationship if it truly doesn't work but I don't think we have discovered that yet.

I have also let him know that I will never ask him to leave like that again & it was done out of frustration & not the best move. If we prove we are too broken, he will be able to stay here for as long as he needs to figure out what he wants to do & has the money to do it.

I knew him coming here would have struggles & periods of adjustment for both of us, I was just wrong about what those struggles were.

I did find out from a friend of mine who is still connected to him on FB (I have a few friends that decided to keep him because they didn't believe the love we had could be over like this) that he did put up a status asking people to stop slandering and insulting me. This did make me feel slightly better about that side of it. Really, it was sad to me that he posted a lie & set me up for hate, not that the people I don't know or care about said bad things about me, I don't care what they think. I am also sad that a lot of my close friends & my sister had to delete him because they were so angry at what was said. I will ask him to please delete everything out of respect.

So, is everything back on track? No, but at least the door has been opened.

[hoping2heal]

You have had the best things to say to me and they have been very helpful, thank you.

I heard from him last night and he is still in Washington & is coming back here sometime today so we can work together in making this work. We only talked very briefly so nothing was discussed but he did see the last email I sent last night and he knows where my heart is. I am a firm believer that nothing of importance is handled in a conversation over the phone, email or text. When I finally got his call all I wanted to convey was "come home". Everything that needs to be figured out, needs to be in person.

All I have thought about it I know what we felt and that doesn't disappear over night & it seemed wrong to throw it all away after only 2 weeks together.

Yes, he should have been more honest with me but even though he already knew I loved him & wanted to be with him, to be open about this takes a huge amount of trust & belief in the other person. He now knows without a doubt how I feel for him & what I will do to be with him.

I of course will not continue the relationship if it truly doesn't work but I don't think we have discovered that yet.

I have also let him know that I will never ask him to leave like that again & it was done out of frustration & not the best move. If we prove we are too broken, he will be able to stay here for as long as he needs to figure out what he wants to do & has the money to do it.

I knew him coming here would have struggles & periods of adjustment for both of us, I was just wrong about what those struggles were.

I did find out from a friend of mine who is still connected to him on FB (I have a few friends that decided to keep him because they didn't believe the love we had could be over like this) that he did put up a status asking people to stop slandering and insulting me. This did make me feel slightly better about that side of it. Really, it was sad to me that he posted a lie & set me up for hate, not that the people I don't know or care about said bad things about me, I don't care what they think. I am also sad that a lot of my close friends & my sister had to delete him because they were so angry at what was said. I will ask him to please delete everything out of respect.

So, is everything back on track? No, but at least the door has been opened.

 

:D I am so happy to hear that! I really think you two can get through this if he makes the comittment to working on himself. I really believe that your love and support is going to make a major impact on him and he is probably totally shocked (and I bet very grateful!!]

 

I hope the best for you two and that it does work out. I know people say that people hardly ever change but addictions and struggles alike these are self destructive habits a person falls into, not who they are and even though we hear plenty of stories about those who do not change or get clear, there are many, many people who do learn to deal with those choices and get healthy again. You are no pushover and I know you will assert yourself and your boundaries and that is going to help, too.

 

Have a wonderful visit and I think if you both can manage to be as comitted to your personal well being as this relationship, you will both come out of this stronger in time and it will be something that cements your bond all the more.

 

I am hoping for good things for you two! :bunny:

 

Edit, I also wanted to add something so that you do not feel too jarried if it happens. It is very common when people are making a change in something like this, for their to be a period of rock bottom. Sometimes people get really, really bad briefly before a major beakthrough happens. That may or may not happen, but it is just something to be aware of.

Edited April 15, 2011 by hoping2heal