Is every man on the planet afraid of commitment?

[zengirl]

So, my boyfriend called me tonight which was weird (he rarely calls just to chat -- we aren't really that sort, either of us) and we got to talking about the recent get-back-together and emotional issues and had a heart-to-heart of sorts. It seems like he actually called because he wanted to. Double-weird.

 

So, he actually said:

 

1.) Part of what happened before is that he has commitment issues in general and has trouble sharing his life with someone (This directly contradicts what he has ALWAYS said -- since I've met him, including what he writes in his OL profile and how he answers every possible OKC match question, such as "Dedication" being more important than "Passion" etc.)

 

2.) He puts a lot of pressure on relationships because he doesn't know how "right" is supposed to feel, he really wants to get married, he worries about wasting a year or too much time on someone.

 

These things have me really uneasy. The worst is, I think he was trying to be healthy, communicate, be loving, and work with me here. I don't think he was trying to make me anxious or hurt the reunion, but at the same time, it has me very hurt, feeling confused, and wondering if this was a good idea (getting back together) or not.

 

(We did talk about the FB status by the by, and he just changed it. So, minor problem solved; now, the major problem is here.)

 

How do I keep meeting these men? Every man I've ever dated --- even those who have PROPOSED to me --- have claimed to have commitment issues, even those who want marriage and kids. Is that just everyone? Honestly, I don't want to be the Special Girl Who Cures You. I want a guy who wants a partner, actively searches for a suitable girl (knowing that statistically there are many girls who would work, though not "just anyone" of course), and builds a relationship with me. I know some people find it alluring to "tame" a commitmentphobe. I suppose I theoretically even have done so before (though I've been unsuccessful in taming one too). But I don't want to. I don't want to listen to a guy work out his issues. I want him to come into the relationship healthy.

 

However, this guy really had me fooled. Totally. And it seems he had himself fooled. Are all guys just bombs waiting to go off? Are there any guys who actually truly crave commitment and don't fear it even one little bit? Or is that just a pipe dream?

[TryingtoUnderstand32]

So, my boyfriend called me tonight which was weird (he rarely calls just to chat -- we aren't really that sort, either of us) and we got to talking about the recent get-back-together and emotional issues and had a heart-to-heart of sorts. It seems like he actually called because he wanted to. Double-weird.

 

So, he actually said:

 

1.) Part of what happened before is that he has commitment issues in general and has trouble sharing his life with someone (This directly contradicts what he has ALWAYS said -- since I've met him, including what he writes in his OL profile and how he answers every possible OKC match question, such as "Dedication" being more important than "Passion" etc.)

 

2.) He puts a lot of pressure on relationships because he doesn't know how "right" is supposed to feel, he really wants to get married, he worries about wasting a year or too much time on someone.

 

These things have me really uneasy. The worst is, I think he was trying to be healthy, communicate, be loving, and work with me here. I don't think he was trying to make me anxious or hurt the reunion, but at the same time, it has me very hurt, feeling confused, and wondering if this was a good idea (getting back together) or not.

 

(We did talk about the FB status by the by, and he just changed it. So, minor problem solved; now, the major problem is here.)

 

How do I keep meeting these men? Every man I've ever dated --- even those who have PROPOSED to me --- have claimed to have commitment issues, even those who want marriage and kids. Is that just everyone? Honestly, I don't want to be the Special Girl Who Cures You. I want a guy who wants a partner, actively searches for a suitable girl (knowing that statistically there are many girls who would work, though not "just anyone" of course), and builds a relationship with me. I know some people find it alluring to "tame" a commitmentphobe. I suppose I theoretically even have done so before (though I've been unsuccessful in taming one too). But I don't want to. I don't want to listen to a guy work out his issues. I want him to come into the relationship healthy.

 

However, this guy really had me fooled. Totally. And it seems he had himself fooled. Are all guys just bombs waiting to go off? Are there any guys who actually truly crave commitment and don't fear it even one little bit? Or is that just a pipe dream?

 

If a guy admitted to me he had commitment issues and I wanted a commitment, I would let him be.

[Dust]

He’s kind of silly, but so are you. If he knew more about women he wouldn’t have said this stuff to you. You don’t want to make your partner feel like they have to calm you down. He should have gone to his father or a friend he trusts with this.

 

Bottom line guys screw up. So, do women. It’s hard to know the significance of all this from just your posts. Try not to be emotional or worried and you’ll see what is really going on.

 

My take is he is just being negative.

[Kamille]

 

So, he actually said:

 

1.) Part of what happened before is that he has commitment issues in general and has trouble sharing his life with someone (This directly contradicts what he has ALWAYS said -- since I've met him, including what he writes in his OL profile and how he answers every possible OKC match question, such as "Dedication" being more important than "Passion" etc.)

 

2.) He puts a lot of pressure on relationships because he doesn't know how "right" is supposed to feel, he really wants to get married, he worries about wasting a year or too much time on someone.

 

 

Is it possible you two simply have different styles of communication? It sounds to me, that in part 1), the fact he's putting it in the past means his commitment issues is something he wants to work on. With you. Which is why he is talking to you about the issue.

 

And he's allowed to feel 2. In fact, it sounds like a good realization. If he puts too much pressure on himself, he likely feels unnecessary anxiety about the relationship. If he allows for the relationship to just be, you two could both benefit.

 

Perhaps you're both putting too much pressure on the relationship right now. Maybe you could both benefit from easing up on the "us" talks, and spending a few weeks just enjoying reconnecting with each other.

[zengirl]

If a guy admitted to me he had commitment issues and I wanted a commitment, I would let him be.

 

Sure, and I am tempted to break up with him because of it. I certainly wouldn't have gotten involved had I known this was an issue from the beginning, nor do I think I would've gotten back together with him had he said this when we did. However, I feel kind of bad about breaking up with him over it when he is clearly (a) Trying to share and (b) Actively trying to change/fix this.

 

He wants commitment to, or claims to. He just fears it. I don't know if this is normal or what, but it definitely annoys the hell out of me, especially that he uncovered it now after so long.

 

My (male) roommate (who desperately wants a relationship!) says every guy is scared of commitment to some degree. I guess I don't want to believe that. I want to believe there are guys out there who see commitment as nothing but a 100% good, safe thing.

[Kamille]

Everyone is afraid of commitment to some extent. We don't want to get hurt. To be honest, it sounds like you're afraid too. The minute your guy expresses a doubt, you think about breaking up with him. That is also a form of commitmentphobia.

[zengirl]

Is it possible you two simply have different styles of communication? It sounds to me, that in part 1), the fact he's putting it in the past means his commitment issues is something he wants to work on. With you. Which is why he is talking to you about the issue.

 

And he's allowed to feel 2. In fact, it sounds like a good realization. If he puts too much pressure on himself, he likely feels unnecessary anxiety about the relationship. If he allows for the relationship to just be, you two could both benefit.

 

Perhaps you're both putting too much pressure on the relationship right now. Maybe you could both benefit from easing up on the "us" talks, and spending a few weeks just enjoying reconnecting with each other.

 

We aren't really "us" talks people. We've had a total of two (this one and the first one) since getting back together. If anything, we likely need more of them, because we both internalize too much. So he is being productive bringing this up, theoretically.

 

And I agree that he's trying to do something good here, work on it, etc. I guess I just don't want to deal with it. I can't "fix" him, so what good does worrying me do?

[zengirl]

Everyone is afraid of commitment to some extent. We don't want to get hurt. To be honest, it sounds like you're afraid too. The minute your guy expresses a doubt, you think about breaking up with him. That is also a form of commitmentphobia.

 

I guess the way I see it is I am afraid of doubt---a lack of commitment. If another person is 100% committed, I have nothing to fear. I always start out 100% committed until someone gives me reason not to be. I guess I don't understand doing it the other way.

[Kamille]

 

And I agree that he's trying to do something good here, work on it, etc. I guess I just don't want to deal with it. I can't "fix" him, so what good does worrying me do?

 

None. Stop worrying. Be supportive of his efforts to deal with his fears, and enjoy the relationship.

[Dust]

We aren't really "us" talks people. We've had a total of two (this one and the first one) since getting back together. If anything, we likely need more of them, because we both internalize too much. So he is being productive bringing this up, theoretically.

 

And I agree that he's trying to do something good here, work on it, etc. I guess I just don't want to deal with it. I can't "fix" him, so what good does worrying me do?

 

Sounds like you want the answer to the title of this thread to be "No."

 

In that case I guess the reason you are worrying is you don't think this is going to work, and you need a man who isn't like this.

[zengirl]

None. Stop worrying. Be supportive of his efforts to deal with his fears, and enjoy the relationship.

 

I guess I feel like it was very selfish of him to dump this on me. And I also feel misled that he brought this up now, all while pretending he wanted commitment in the beginning (I'm aware a lot of the pretending is not "pretending" perse but his dichotomy within himself). And he should have worked this out before begging me to return.

 

I am just not sure I will ever be able to trust him again. How can you trust someone who doubts without any outside forces making it happen, whose doubts come from the inside? I doubt decisions and change my mind sometimes, but never just because of something INSIDE of me, like what he says. That would terrify me.

[zengirl]

Sounds like you want the answer to the title of this thread to be "No."

 

Well, yes, of course, I want it to be "No". What a sad world we live in if there is no man who is really fully devoted to commitment.

[somedude81]

How do I keep meeting these men? Every man I've ever dated --- even those who have PROPOSED to me --- have claimed to have commitment issues, even those who want marriage and kids. Is that just everyone?

It might be something about the type of man you are attracted to.

 

From what I've seen, the men who want a real relationship, have the hardest time getting one.

[Kamille]

I guess the way I see it is I am afraid of doubt---a lack of commitment. If another person is 100% committed, I have nothing to fear. I always start out 100% committed until someone gives me reason not to be. I guess I don't understand doing it the other way.

 

The way I see your situation, you won't commit unless the other person is 100% committed. Your ability to commit is contingent on his. Why couldn't it be the other way around? Why couldn't you commit and leave him the time and room he needs to figure out his issues?

 

I say this premised on the idea that you really like this guy and that he shows you respect and he does show you he loves and cares for you. If what he needs his support, why not accept to support him right now?

 

I think if this second chance is going to work, one of you needs to be strong right now. Why not decide you can be that person right now?

[Mrlonelyone]

Here's my $0.02.

 

Your boyfriend was just being honest about his feelings. I don't see why that should be a bad thing. He fears signing on that dotted line with another person because no one knows how that's going to turn out. Statistically the odds are 50/50 at best that you'll last for 7 years.

 

Given those odds and the pain that a divorce would cause emotionally and financially... can you blame anyone for being leery of marriage?

 

Those are the reasons which cause the fear...and they are not unreasonable reasons.

 

To see commitment (as in the legally binding institution of marriage and children...) as 100% "safe" would require being blind to the consequences for it's going wrong.

 

Here is Eddie Murphy telling us what men really think of marriage...and divorce. (NSFW/C)

 

If you want to know what the thought process is... then you will know where those men are coming from.

[TryingtoUnderstand32]

Sure, and I am tempted to break up with him because of it. I certainly wouldn't have gotten involved had I known this was an issue from the beginning, nor do I think I would've gotten back together with him had he said this when we did. However, I feel kind of bad about breaking up with him over it when he is clearly (a) Trying to share and (b) Actively trying to change/fix this.

 

He wants commitment to, or claims to. He just fears it. I don't know if this is normal or what, but it definitely annoys the hell out of me, especially that he uncovered it now after so long.

 

My (male) roommate (who desperately wants a relationship!) says every guy is scared of commitment to some degree. I guess I don't want to believe that. I want to believe there are guys out there who see commitment as nothing but a 100% good, safe thing.

 

How "involved" are your feelings for him? I guess its just about what you can tolerate. I have already been there with men like that. Spent my twenties with men like that. Never again.

[Woggle]

Most people in general are afraid of commitment. Some women claim to want it but freak out when they find a man who is 100% committed. I think that men are afraid of opening up only to have it blow up in their face.

[zengirl]

The way I see your situation, you won't commit unless the other person is 100% committed. Your ability to commit is contingent on his. Why couldn't it be the other way around? Why couldn't you commit and leave him the time and room he needs to figure out his issues?

 

I say this premised on the idea that you really like this guy and that he shows you respect and he does show you he loves and cares for you. If what he needs his support, why not accept to support him right now?

 

I think if this second chance is going to work, one of you needs to be strong right now. Why not decide you can be that person right now?

 

I don't think my ability to commit is contingent on the other person until/unless they show an inability to do so. I trust that they can, unless I see otherwise, and I give my 100% in advance, so to speak. However, I DO feel kind of cheated later, when I don't get the same.

 

I was in it 100% before, and he wasn't. He wishes he was, and that's something, I guess, but yeah, it does make me cautious in giving him 100% again. But obviously just my giving it 100% doesn't mean he's any more likely to have a better result until he's dealt with his issues.

 

I'd love for this to work out, don't get me wrong. I'm just not sure that I think what you're saying is a fair or smart way to go about things. It seems rather pie in the sky. I am thinking more of telling him that if he can work out his issues, we can resume a relationship but perhaps now is not the time.

[collegeguy_24]

Are all guys just bombs waiting to go off? Are there any guys who actually truly crave commitment and don't fear it even one little bit? Or is that just a pipe dream?

 

Thats me, I used to be the guy who wanted commitment, who wanted to find a woman to love and to love me in turn. I spoiled them like you wouldn't believe because I like doing so.

 

I was re-payed by being stabbed in the back, twice.

 

and whats worse, is that I still have strong feelings for the ex, and I can't get over them and its putting stress on my current relationship.

 

Not all guys fear commitment, it just the guys who want it are the ones who get screwed in the end.

[Mrlonelyone]

It might be something about the type of man you are attracted to.

 

From what I've seen, the men who want a real relationship, have the hardest time getting one.

 

Aint that the truth.

 

Remember that next time someone here says that old line:

 

"If you would just not try so hard love would find you."

 

Those are two sides of the same coin I guess.

[Kamille]

I

 

I am just not sure I will ever be able to trust him again. How can you trust someone who doubts without any outside forces making it happen, whose doubts come from the inside? I doubt decisions and change my mind sometimes, but never just because of something INSIDE of me, like what he says. That would terrify me.

 

Safe to say that if you were both to take an MBTI right now, he would be an iNtuitive and you would be sensing?

 

It's just a different way to approach the world. You have to decide whether or not you can live with that difference. Is your relationship worth it? Is he worth it?

[Mrlonelyone]

Most people in general are afraid of commitment. Some women claim to want it but freak out when they find a man who is 100% committed.

 

They are the 'clingy' boyfriend who becomes the 'annoying' ex. They are the zealous suitor who is passed up in favor of the dark and mysterious guy.

[Kamille]

I don't think my ability to commit is contingent on the other person until/unless they show an inability to do so. I trust that they can, unless I see otherwise, and I give my 100% in advance, so to speak. However, I DO feel kind of cheated later, when I don't get the same.

 

I was in it 100% before, and he wasn't. He wishes he was, and that's something, I guess, but yeah, it does make me cautious in giving him 100% again. But obviously just my giving it 100% doesn't mean he's any more likely to have a better result until he's dealt with his issues.

 

I'd love for this to work out, don't get me wrong. I'm just not sure that I think what you're saying is a fair or smart way to go about things. It seems rather pie in the sky. I am thinking more of telling him that if he can work out his issues, we can resume a relationship but perhaps now is not the time.

 

Or, maybe you can live with uncertainty, and only give 80%, until you both reach firmer grounds.

[alphamale]

Are there any guys who actually truly crave commitment and don't fear it even one little bit? Or is that just a pipe dream?

the fact that at any point in time most people are married sort of throws a wrench in your theory

[zengirl]

Safe to say that if you were both to take an MBTI right now, he would be an iNtuitive and you would be sensing?

 

It's just a different way to approach the world. You have to decide whether or not you can live with that difference. Is your relationship worth it? Is he worth it?

 

I think I have scored every possible combination on that test, so I've no idea. I put no faith in it. I know many here do.

 

I have yet to meet a man who (a) seems firm in his convictions and free of self-doubt and (b) isn't a jerk. Maybe I'm a jerk, or maybe it's just different if you're a woman. Basically, I don't know if a man exists who is like me in this regard (is 100% decisive about his feelings and only alters them with direct, outside evidence that they should be altered) and isn't a jerk to others. If he does, yes, I'd rather be with him, I guess.

 

I have not decided if the relationship is worth it or what I will do. I think if none of this had come up --- if we had not broken up --- I could've married this man and been happy with him, something I've not even come close to thinking about another guy for a long time. However, now, I'm pretty unsure. I hope things are not ruined forever, but hoping is not believing.