‘Not dateable’ woman wants FWB, I want a relationship

[heartshaped]

Well then by all means OP, play the situation out to the end.

[nezbo]

Well then by all means OP, play the situation out to the end.

 

I might have come across defensive there. If so sorry, I appreciated your input, yours is probably the most relevant so far... being the one person who has responded who has been in her situation, but of course it wasnt exactly what I wanted to hear... trying to cling to hope and all

[heartshaped]

I might have come across defensive there. If so sorry, I appreciated your input, yours is probably the most relevant so far... being the one person who has responded who has been in her situation, but of course it wasnt exactly what I wanted to hear... trying to cling to hope and all

 

I think it all depends on if she wants to and is ready to move on from what happened. Different people take different amounts of time to get over these things. It's not like when you break up with someone because you don't love the person anymore or that person breaks up with you because of the same. Someone you love deeply betrays you and suddenly you don't know what's right and wrong.

 

There very well may be a happy ending to this, the only thing that throws me off is how she keeps reaffirming that she is emotionally unavailable. If she had to said to you that she just wanted to take things slowly or that the two of you could possibly be together in the future, I think my advice on the matter would be a little different.

 

But maybe she is just afraid and hurt and not ready to enter into a relationship or give any promises.

 

I know when I finally did enter into a relationship after my ordeal it was six months after the fact and it felt too soon. I wouldn't have ever officially dated him if he hadn't forced the matter. We were friends for a few months and acted like a couple and finally he just said either we were going to be together or quit acting like we were. He also said he couldn't be just friends with me so it was either date him or lose him from my life.

 

Of course, I chose the latter and we are now two years [officially] into our relationship. There was a guy before him, the guy I told you about when it was just too soon, and I honestly wasn't ready emotionally. My current boyfriend I felt the same, but obviously it wasn't too soon as we are still together and quite happy. I will say though things were very rough in the beginning as going through something like that gives you a huge amount of baggage.

[nezbo]

There very well may be a happy ending to this, the only thing that throws me off is how she keeps reaffirming that she is emotionally unavailable. If she had to said to you that she just wanted to take things slowly or that the two of you could possibly be together in the future, I think my advice on the matter would be a little different.

Yeah, thats the one thing that scares me, if it werent for that fact, I would be relaxed and not agonizing about it. However I do know how very very careful she is about everything she says to me, she simply wont let herself say something she isnt 100% sure about (which is a quality i love about her), so she may have conflicting and unsure feelings on the matter.

 

 

Of course, I chose the latter and we are now two years [officially] into our relationship. There was a guy before him, the guy I told you about when it was just too soon, and I honestly wasn't ready emotionally. My current boyfriend I felt the same, but obviously it wasn't too soon as we are still together and quite happy. I will say though things were very rough in the beginning as going through something like that gives you a huge amount of baggage.

 

I hope I turn out to be that guy, rather than the other one

 

Here is a simple outline of why I have hope, in equation form:

 

She will love again one day + I am the kind of person she could love + we keep spending more time together and becoming closer + I will wait however long it takes to have her = .............?

[heartshaped]

I wish you all the luck in the world, OP. It's obvious you love this woman a great deal. I think right now obviously it's just too soon for her to make any concrete commitments to anyone. I would continue on as you are for maybe two or three months or so then reevaluate.

 

I know you would wait forever for her if you had to, but it isn't fair to you and at some point too I think not being ready becomes just plain old fear. I wouldn't push her or talk of status at all right now, but in three months or so, I think it would be a good time to bring up where things are headed.

[east coast edward]

sorry to hear that, I've appreciated your input, PM me a link to your thread

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t274273/

 

All very sad I'm afraid.

 

Look, I read you situation as very positive. She may say she's not available emotionally, but she is engaging with you that way. Her emotions are very raw, and wil be for some considerable time. She's actually extending to you a tremendous trust in allowing you to help her heal.

 

I suspect that there's a strong resentment in her for having given her '20s to this partner who cheated on her. She's looking to you to give her some of her life back.

[Eddie Edirol]

Nezbo, everyone has already said it. She is using you to emotionally heal from the TRUE LOVE that she had before you. Everything she is doing is a distraction from thinking about her ex-fiance, and Im sure she is still thinking of him. And she told you that in the beginning. She likes that she can open up to you, but she didnt pick you to fall in love with, she picked you as a stepping stone. Once she is healed, and she is dont giving you lip service, she will drop you and you will fall hard.

 

I am going through the same thing right now, but I didnt fall for the woman Im seeing. I knew I was a rebound, and I am using her just as she is using me. I can see the signs of when she holds back, but my girl does everything yours does. She was left by her husband, She looks in my eyes, she tells me im special, she goes with me anywhere, will clean my house, but I can see that she is emotionally holding back. So I pull back even further to make her know Im not just giving her any piece of my heart unless she works for it for real.

 

So dont be fooled by all that surface stuff, it might not be real. Dont go just giving your heart to her when you KNOW shes not fully in it. back off from her so she can think about you without the pressure. let her think that you dont need the relationship as much as she does. If you dont do that, you WILL get burned, and you will be back here posting about how she could just cut you off when she told you that you were special the day before.

[nezbo]

I havent been posting here for some time because I have been totally content with the situation and confident that we are eventually gonna be bf/gf (we pretty much are already, just without the title), and likely stay together, based on how amazing we are together.

 

We've spend basicly every weekend together for 2 months, and our time together just keeps getting more intimate and closer, and the sex keeps getting better.

 

I stopped worrying that shes gonna just suddenly ditch me.

 

a few weeks ago we were talking about 'cheating' and a good friend of hers who has been in a relationship (that was never called a relationship) on and off for several years. She says she would see it as cheating if either of us hooked up with someone else. The discussion was more in depth and meaningful than i can put into words here right now, but it left me feeling really secure with her.

 

She still says she wants to 'play it cool' in other words not go public.

 

I have just suddenly lost my job and in two weeks I have to move 4 hours drive away for 3 months for another (temporary) job in another city. Shes been consoling me, advising me, helping me. The only worry I had is that I'd lose what we have. The day I found out I asked her "if I move to ..... for 3 months, will I lose you?" she immediately without even a second of hesitation said "no, I'll come up and stay with you" and kissed me. This meant so much to me.

 

My parents just so happen to have recently moved to the city that I'm being moved to, so I'm moving in with them for this 3 months. I asked her if when she stays if she would be okay if I tell my parents she is my girlfriend (just because they would probably feel a bit weird about a non-girlfriend staying over, yeah they're that type), she said thats fine, without questioning it or complaining.

 

So yeah, these developments and how intensely intimate and close we are has me totally content and very confident that what we have is solid, monogomous and very very likely to turn into an official relationship when she is ready to call it that, and I'm not rushing her at all. Very happy.

Edited June 17, 2011 by nezbo

[nezbo]

I've totally got her=)

[east coast edward]

I've totally got her=)

 

You're a star.

 

You deserve reward points.

[crazylove]

So cute!! All the best:)

[buster2209]

Just read through this whole thread. Man what a ride.....

 

You played it pretty well albeit should have held back a bit more but that's hard when you are in love.

 

Congrats man. Enjoy it. I am very envious....

[nezbo]

Not sure if anyone is interested, but here is an update

 

We still arent an 'official' couple, as in 'in a relationship' but we are very much are a couple and all signs point to her wanting to make it official very soon.

 

Since last update we kept on seeing each other and spending as much time together as possible.

 

I lost my job and had to suddenly move 5 hours drive away to a different city. I've been here 2 weeks. I went back down to see her last weekend and we stayed at a motel, she has booked flights to come up and stay with me next weekend, we have both spend hundreds of dollars each booking travel and accommodation to see each other on weekends... almost every weekend booked up to the end of next month!

 

Now she seems as smitten by me as I have been by her this whole time. She has become incredibly affectionate towards me, is constantly messaging me that she misses me, and telling me how special I am, telling me I make her happy. And the expectation of longevity seems to be becoming more obvious mutually in our conversations. we exchange about 60 emails a day at work and then talk on the phone or online after work nearly every day.

 

My birthday was last month, she booked us a hotel room and took me to the flashest ***ing resturant I've ever been to. She spent hundreds of dollars on that night and made me feel very special.

 

One big issue for her in regards to us moving forward had been my ex-girlfriend, they were 'kinda' friends, just through me attending events with my ex, and they got on really well.... 2 days ago she sent my ex an email (purely as a courtesy thing) saying that we have started seeing each other and she hopes it wont be weird, and sorry if its breaking some kinda girl code etc etc.

 

And yesterday she had flowers sent to me at my work with a card signed off with "missing you, your girl". and today told me during a romantic exchange "i'm all yours"

 

She seems to be starting to let her friends and family be aware of our 'thing' too, I'm staying at her place for 2 days in a couple of weeks, and am going to dinner wit her at her older sisters house for her birthday=)

 

So it seems like she just felt it was too soon and just wanted to delay everything (or at least the 'going public' part of it) she been very careful to take her time with everything. I havent been misled, or used=) and I am very happy

 

I've never been in a relationship (or even friends) with someone who amazes me so much. She is just incredible, such beautiful character, so smart and fun. I feel like nothing is missing when I'm with her, she fulfils me completely.

 

Thank you LS. I dont think I would be in this bliss if I hadnt had that the encouragement to go ahead and ask her out in the first thread I made when I was first interested in her. I can imagine that opportunity and my happiness just passing me by in life if I didnt have the push to make that difficult leap.

 

Her birthday is coming up, and I have one day and one night to treat her to something, thinking of taking her on a winetasting tour around some winerys. And want to get her a peice of jewellery. Any more birthday ideas would be appreciated, I want to do something really special, especially because of how special she made me feel on my birthday.

[omgitsdonna]

Just confront her and ask if she cares about you! Why be puzzled if you can ask her about it??

 

Sometimes women lack of attention and they try flirting with a man just for fun. Be careful, because she can play with you and then go away.

 

Ask her what she feels. It's the best way out of the situation.

[cheergirl]

I would understand, but be a little bit sad, if she doesnt see me as long term relationship material because of the following reasons: I'm younger than her, I earn less money than her and am not currently on a well-defined career path (although I do have a lot of things going for me), I'm in the heavy metal scene, she is very conservative.

 

• I'm younger than her,
  
• I earn less money than her
  
• I am not currently on a well-defined career path
  
• I'm in the heavy metal scene,
  
• she is very conservative.
  

Sorry, but even one of these could be a deal-breaker for a career woman.

if you put a positive spin on it, you could just enjoy your toy-boy, "bit of rough" status; keep your eyes open for a young lady who loves and appreciates YOU for YOU...

 

You are being played like a fiddle.

 

Rather!

 

arr, its breaking my heart thinking about this today/yesterday. We had a great weekend away together.

 

I just cant understand how someone who is apparently emotionally unavailable and doesnt want more than a friendship:

1. Shares everything with me, tells me everything

2. calls me her best friend

3. tells me I'm her world right now

4. finds time to spend with me constantly, lunchtimes, after work and almost all weekend every weekend

5. comes online every night just to talk to me

6. emails me all day at work (about 30 emails a day)

7. meets me secretly for cuddles and kisses at work

8. gets sad if I back off her emotionally or am distant with her

9. wants/has passionate sex with me, looks into my eyes.

10. has refused sexual/romantic advances from 3 other guy friends

11. told me I am the kind of person she could love

12. on holiday she was constantly cuddling up to me, resting her head on her shoulders, stroking me affectionately, grabbing my hand to hold when we were walking.

13. Is always happy/laughing/smiling around me

14. Says she hasnt been happy since the breakup, but says she is happy when we are together, and is a lot happier since we've been spending so much time together.

15. We are constantly joking and making each other laugh, or cuddling, or sharing deep thoughts and feelings about family, friends, trust etc. there is never a dull or uncomfortable moment.

16. on holiday she accidentally (I think) referred to me as her partner in a little quip at the airport.

 

That is not FWB.

That is EXACTLY what it sounds like hon, sorry... you make her feel good, but does not/will not choose you for an exclusive 1-2-1. She is not confused, she will not change her mind

 

Its closer and more intimate relationship than all but one of my past relationships,

For you, this is new and different, not her..,

 

How exactly is that 'using' me? Maybe if we were only having sex (or spending my money, she isnt) without the other stuff I could believe that.... but if someone wants all of that stuff with me.... well thats exactly what I want in a relationship and want someone to want from me in a relationship, the only thing missing is the promise of a future.

 

I think this qualifies as "using" you because she has NO intention of a future w/you and this is something you want..

You are not Mr. Right, you are Mr. Right Now, you sound like a fantastic distraction and I'm sure everything you two have together is real. However, in real life women have careers and social lives etc.

What did her ex do? a conservative, corporate-type?

That's what the next guy after you will probably be like.

she likes you but you probably will never fir into her life socially, educationally, status-wise...

 

 

She said I am the kind of person she could love, why wouldnt she in the future? She is exactly the kind of person I've wanted my whole life and very very seldomly come across, why shouldnt I cling to hope and perservere with her? If theres any chance of being her partner theres no way I'm gonna give up that chance, she is a once in a lifetime catch.

For a man with money and status and a defined career path...

Everything she is doing is a distraction from thinking about her ex-fiance, and Im sure she is still thinking of him. And she told you that in the beginning. She likes that she can open up to you, but she didnt pick you to fall in love with, she picked you as a stepping stone. Once she is healed, and she is dont giving you lip service, she will drop you and you will fall hard.

 

I am going through the same thing right now, but I didnt fall for the woman Im seeing. I knew I was a rebound, and I am using her just as she is using me. I can see the signs of when she holds back, but my girl does everything yours does. She was left by her husband, She looks in my eyes, she tells me im special, she goes with me anywhere, will clean my house, but I can see that she is emotionally holding back. So I pull back even further to make her know Im not just giving her any piece of my heart unless she works for it for real.

 

So dont be fooled by all that surface stuff, it might not be real. Dont go just giving your heart to her when you KNOW shes not fully in it. back off from her so she can think about you without the pressure. let her think that you dont need the relationship as much as she does. If you dont do that, you WILL get burned, and you will be back here posting about how she could just cut you off when she told you that you were special the day before.

 

Women are experts...

She's made it clear how she sees you, believe her, or don't...

You are not first priority and probably, sadly, never will be.

Ask her straight up front, no BS, am I good enough for you? would she be happy to take you to meet her family, co-workers or girlfriends?

People say whatever they want in hotel rooms, what will she say in the light of day, in the public eye...

Would she even be seen with you?

Walk away while you still have some dignity.

Or just keep in the back of your mind the truth... hear her words I'm sure her spell on you will loosen in time and don't judge women too harshly in the future:)

 

[Eddie Edirol]

Nezbo, she still hasnt said "i love you" or "im in love with you" out loud, youre still in square one. Youre already too far gone emotionally and you dont even know for sure is she is fully into you because she hasnt said so. Problem is, she knows you want to push for more, and that will keep her from going all the way. You can ride this out, but as lopng as she knows youre in love with her, she most likely wont fall for you because she doesnt have to, youre not going anywhere. Everything youve said sounds like she is trying to hold back, and youre going even further in. Youre going to get hurt, its only been a couple months. Hopefully it will work, but i still say she is not going to fall in love with you, and you will get hurt within 6 months because you will push too far.

 

Be...careful... youre blind in love right now, and you cant see the forest for the trees.

[nezbo]

Sorry, but even one of these could be a deal-breaker for a career woman.

if you put a positive spin on it, you could just enjoy your toy-boy, "bit of rough" status; keep your eyes open for a young lady who loves and appreciates YOU for YOU...

 

Rather!

 

For a man with money and status and a defined career path...

 

 

 

Women are experts...

She's made it clear how she sees you, believe her, or don't...

You are not first priority and probably, sadly, never will be.

Ask her straight up front, no BS, am I good enough for you? would she be happy to take you to meet her family, co-workers or girlfriends?

People say whatever they want in hotel rooms, what will she say in the light of day, in the public eye...

Would she even be seen with you?

Walk away while you still have some dignity.

Or just keep in the back of your mind the truth... hear her words I'm sure her spell on you will loosen in time and don't judge women too harshly in the future:)

 

 

You are an idiot and obviously have very briefly skimmed through some of this thread and made a negative comment based on eff-all. If you are going to comment, at least read through the thread

 

Example: "would she be happy to take you to meet her family, co-workers or girlfriends? People say whatever they want in hotel rooms, what will she say in the light of day, in the public eye... Would she even be seen with you?" - Her best friends and some of our co-workers know we are an item, she is taking me (as her partner) to her sisters birthday dinner. We have kissed in public at least 300 times and held hands openly through our home-city. We spend far more time together 'in the light of day' than in in hotel rooms.

 

What a waste of your time, why did you even comment?

[nezbo]

Nezbo, she still hasnt said "i love you" or "im in love with you" out loud, youre still in square one. Youre already too far gone emotionally and you dont even know for sure is she is fully into you because she hasnt said so. Problem is, she knows you want to push for more, and that will keep her from going all the way. You can ride this out, but as lopng as she knows youre in love with her, she most likely wont fall for you because she doesnt have to, youre not going anywhere. Everything youve said sounds like she is trying to hold back, and youre going even further in. Youre going to get hurt, its only been a couple months. Hopefully it will work, but i still say she is not going to fall in love with you, and you will get hurt within 6 months because you will push too far.

 

Be...careful... youre blind in love right now, and you cant see the forest for the trees.

 

I totally have her. there is no longer any doubt, I'm 100% sure about us now. this IS a success story. It's been 5 months.

 

I dont need any advice, it's a success, either you are a pessimistic prick, or I havent explained things well enough in my last post, OR there is another dimension that is unable to be explained through text.

[2sunny]

Whats upsetting isnt the lack of a label, but being told that it is going to end at some point.

 

it may be because she's using you to fill the empty void - until someone better comes along... this is her way of warning you that she intends to use you for as long as you allow her to... knowing that she'll disappear when her first choice comes on the scene.

 

you are her backup plan.

 

she's likely loving the attention... and afraid to be alone.

[nezbo]

it may be because she's using you to fill the empty void - until someone better comes along... this is her way of warning you that she intends to use you for as long as you allow her to... knowing that she'll disappear when her first choice comes on the scene.

 

you are her backup plan.

 

she's likely loving the attention... and afraid to be alone.

 

WTF is wrong with you people, are you only reading the first page before commenting? read my last freaken update or dont comment you fools.

[2sunny]

i read it all - fool... she told you many times... just pointing out the obvious - given the words and actions she expressed. i stand by my prior post.

 

i think she doesn't want to be alone... you are there. she never had the time to HEAL from the breakup with her fiance'! so you are her rebound now. enjoy it for what it is - for now. no need to worry about the future - if you're in and it's great for the moment, that's all you can hope for.

 

glad she's making an effort now... but i'd still be cautious. since she told you those things in the past - it carries over to even the good times.

[nezbo]

Well I brought up status again.

And according to her she is my girlfriend =)

 

She has just been careful not to rush into anything, which is very much like her: patient, careful, sensible, never impulsive.

I know she will be telling me she loves me before long.

[omgitsdonna]

Well I brought up status again.

And according to her she is my girlfriend =)

 

She has just been careful not to rush into anything, which is very much like her: patient, careful, sensible, never impulsive.

I know she will be telling me she loves me before long.

 

You are lucky to have a girlfriend with the above mentioned traits!