Ladies: Prefer the "good guy" or the "bad boy" boyfriend?

[BiscuitXOXO]

It's gotten to the point where I roll my eyes when men say that to me. It sounds rather conceited to claim to be super good and super nice and super awesome anyway. [/Quote]

You speak truth! The only section of your post that I slightly view in a different way is when guys say they are super good and super nice and super awesome. They're not being conceited. It's just a man's nature to attempt to put his best foot out and impress the girl. Even if it makes them look a bit silly at times.

Unless I am already in a relationship, I always say yes to every guy who asks me out. I figure,"Why not give him a chance?"

I do this too! Which leads to some...weird dates. But hey, you never know.

[MrNate]

To me, on my level means intelligent, compassionate, financially stable and self-sufficient, fun, reasonably active and in good health, self-assured enough that he doesn't try to convince me I'm too good for him, emotionally in tune, communicative, interested in making a relationship commitment, not under the sway of manipulation by family members (it's usually mean mom who's the problem), sexually revved up and capable in bed, with a reasonably positive attitude (or at least not bleeding cynicism).

 

I bring all that and then some to the table, so I don't think this is unreasonable.

 

But I have never found all this in one guy.

 

yummy yummy

[ASG]

This.

 

One of the issues with my stbx was that there was a certain base-level chemistry missing. When things were going well when we were dating and in the first part of our marriage, we got along extremely well. BUT... he never made me "feel like a woman" in that certain way. I really think I need a bit more "alpha" in a guy or I end up feeling like their friend, mother, or sister. Which is not the right dynamic for being with someone I want to sleep with.

 

I agree!

 

I like the idea of a nice guy, but in reality, whenever I refer to someone as a nice guy, it just means they have no chance whatsoever and they've been friend zoned. And when someone says they know a nice guy and maybe I would like to meet him, I'm just like... err no!

 

I need a whole lot of "alpha" in my men. They need to have this slightly mischievous twinkle in their eye. But they also need to be nice, in a way. I don't deal well with being treated like crap.

[Bj099235]

You're right, all guys have personality flaws, but this isn't about individuals' behavior. The main quality that distinguishes "bad boys" from "nice guys" is that "bad boys" have mastered the art of attraction and either aren't good at or don't care about the relationship phase. "Nice guys" on the other hand are bad at attraction but often feel much more at home in the relationship phase. Unfortunately, you have to attract to get to a relationship -- hence, all the angst and frustration you see on LS threads.

 

I agree with this.

[Shaun-Dro]

I agree!

 

I like the idea of a nice guy, but in reality, whenever I refer to someone as a nice guy, it just means they have no chance whatsoever and they've been friend zoned. And when someone says they know a nice guy and maybe I would like to meet him, I'm just like... err no!

 

I need a whole lot of "alpha" in my men. They need to have this slightly mischievous twinkle in their eye. But they also need to be nice, in a way. I don't deal well with being treated like crap.

 

Dont wanna be treated like crap? I begger to differ . Once you opened your mouth about not wanting to give a nice guy a shot to see where he's coming from before prejudging, you've already put your foot in your mouth and swallowed it.

[OldSkool]

Dont wanna be treated like crap? I begger to differ . Once you opened your mouth about not wanting to give a nice guy a shot to see where he's coming from before prejudging, you've already put your foot in your mouth and swallowed it.

 

Dude, you claim to be in your 30's?

 

You act, write and spell like a teenager.

 

Grow up!

[Shaun-Dro]

Dude, you claim to be in your 30's?

 

You act, write and spell like a teenager.

 

Grow up!

 

Hmmm...let's see, writing like a teenager have gotten me straight As in all of my college literature classes, huh? Why dont you mind your business if you dont agree with me .

[Floridaman]

One nice guy I dated, who was rejected repeatedly for being nice, started feeling me up on the first date and when I told him to stop, just continued and ignored what I said and even kept going when I pushed him off of me a few times, but finally gave up after awhile. He also told me that he had had only one girlfriend for a year and that he had dumped her because she wasn't having sex with him, which to me screamed "*******." Because they were both religious and I thought he was a little dick for not respecting her beliefs (that were supposed to be his as well) to save herself until marriage. He said they were otherwise in love, he just couldn't take not having sex anymore. She did give him blow jobs and masturbate with him, but it wasn't enough. I'd never do this to a guy, but it just seems like a nice guy would respect this decision.

 

Another "nice guy" I dated, got extremely pissed, when on the first date I wouldn't sleep with him. He said he paid for my dinner and had talked to me enough before we ever went on a date that he deserved it and wasn't respecting me when I said no to him.

...

Another one pulled out his dick the first time we kissed and started masturbating, even though it made me uncomfortable.

 

Another one, talked to me about his marriage that he had been divorced from and how he'd purposefully piss off his ex-wife by doing the exact opposite of whatever she said when she asked him to do something. And how he'd take their money and spend it on himself and not tell her about it and how much the two of them fought about it..

The OP was right: those "men" you described couldn't in any way shape or form be called "nice guys."

They didn't act like gentlemen and truly respect the woman's feelings, which is a big chunk of what I would consider a "nice" guy.

 

I considered myself a nice guy when I dated in my 20s.

Didn't press women for sex, didn't pull out my genitalia on first dates (as you described), try to feel a woman up on a first date, etc.

 

Wasn't a virgin (I lost mine at 18== something I really regret and have posted such) but only had sex all of 2X from 19-30, so I wasn't promiscuous.

 

As a man, of course I had sexual feelings and would loved to have ML with a woman.

But I truly wanted a relationship more than satisfying my sexual desires.

Plus, I had religious feelings and was deeper into that in college and through most of my 20s. I loosened up a little and took more chances as I got closer to 30.

 

When I met my wife at 30, I swear I treated her well, didn't press her for sex, etc.

We ML 3 mos. after we met and that was only after cuddling on the couch, I asked her if she could unbutton her shirt...

 

Seriously, I wasn't planning to have sex. Just wanted to "explore" and do some "everything... but... " (maybe kiss and caress her breasts) like I'd done with a couple of other women (very close to PIV) in my late 20s...

 

She asked me if I wanted to ML with her. What could a guy say to that question?

 

Did I take her up on that offer right then and whip my member out?

 

We didn't have sex that weekend, but she said maybe next weekend. I think we did a couple of weekends later. We lived an hour's drive apart.

 

Like I said, I was patient and would have waited if she wanted to wait until we got engaged or married.

She wasn't a virgin (she only had one partner, a former fiance she had sex with after engagement 10 years before we met. She was 33 when we met.

 

------- so we didn't rush into sex, which can be a fatal dating mistake (as I've advised her on these boards).

I knew that getting too sexual too soon can kill a relationship, so besides religion, that was one reason I never pressed women for sex...

 

--------------

 

On the "everything...but" in my late 20s, one woman invited me "inside" one night. She wasn't a virgin (but had limited experience), but knowing her stance, I stupidly questioned her if that's what she really wanted.

 

Plus, I thought the alcohol she had (wine) may have affected her judgement.

Looking back, I kind of wish I had taken her up. She invited me in. I had permission and could have proceeded. Any other red-blooded guy would have taken advantage of that.

But I did consider myself a nice guy and as I demonstrated, truly put the woman's feelings first.

 

Nope. She never thanked me for that.

Oh... she did later tell me how she was so glad she didn't ML TO ME that night...... Real nice slap on the face there.

 

She had earlier told me she was glad I didn' "expect" her to have sex with me (we did oral and nearly everything else), as she had told me she had sex a couple of times with some other former BFs. So she did seem to appreciate my restraint, yet years later I wish I could have been more forward and entered.... After all, I did have permission....

-------------------------

 

So back to your post (sorry, I get long-winded too), yes, there are REAL "nice" guys out there that only want a relationship and what's best for the woman they're dating. Yes, they have sexual desires (as I did) but are more focused on falling in love than satisfying their p***s.

Edited May 7, 2011 by Floridaman

[andrew-bkk]

I need a whole lot of "alpha" in my men. They need to have this slightly mischievous twinkle in their eye..

 

I was with my son's mother for ten and a half years. I asked her recently what her most romantic memory was.

 

I thought it might have been the time I took her to dinner at one of Bangkok's top hotels. But it wasn't.

 

I thought it might have been the time I took her to a beautiful resort in central Thailand. But it wasn't.

 

I thought it might have been one of those occasions when I bought her expensive underwear. But it wasn't.

 

Actually -- as she explained -- her most romantic memory is the time I dragged her from a busy Bangkok shopping street into a phone kiosk and started showering her with kisses.

 

I guess you can draw your own conclusions from that.

[Lilmisus]

I was with my son's mother for ten and a half years. I asked her recently what her most romantic memory was.

 

I thought it might have been the time I took her to dinner at one of Bangkok's top hotels. But it wasn't.

 

I thought it might have been the time I took her to a beautiful resort in central Thailand. But it wasn't.

 

I thought it might have been one of those occasions when I bought her expensive underwear. But it wasn't.

 

Actually -- as she explained -- her most romantic memory is the time I dragged her from a busy Bangkok shopping street into a phone kiosk and started showering her with kisses.

 

I guess you can draw your own conclusions from that.

 

I can definitely feel where she's coming from. To have a guy feel passionate about me feels amazing, and my fondest memories of my ex are the ones where he just let himself go. Didn't plan it out, just acted. But, he also never did any of those nice things that you mentioned, nor never bought me (real) flowers, and never tried to be romantic in any way either. If he had..maybe my fondest and most romantic memories would be different..maybe they wouldn't have been. He never did anything really, so I'll never know.

 

But can I just say, that I didn't expect this thread to be alive over a month after creating it Thanks for all the input though y'all! It is really interesting what different people say about this, and the different perspectives some have.

[andrew-bkk]

To have a guy feel passionate about me feels amazing, and my fondest memories of my ex are the ones where he just let himself go. Didn't plan it out, just acted. But, he also never did any of those nice things that you mentioned, nor never bought me (real) flowers, and never tried to be romantic in any way either.

 

Sorry to hear that. Hopefully next time you'll have more luck.

 

Just remember that if a guy is too "nice" then he's probably weak. And if he describers himself as "nice" then he's probably even weaker.

 

The opposite is also something to avoid. A smelly caveman might be great in bed but he probably won't be too interested in hearing about your day at work.

 

Bon chance.

[Star Gazer]

I've found I'm most attracted to guys who are like M&Ms... hard shell, but soft and sweet on the inside.

[Floridaman]

Methinks the so-called "Bad Boys" are overrated.

Nothing special there.

 

Just like the Rolling Stones, the "Bad Boys" of rock and roll.

They had good songs, but why go for them when there were many other great groups, some superior, like the Beatles and Brian Wilson & The Beach Boys?

 

Besides, the Bad Boys often end up alcoholics, in fights or die at an early age.....

Ditch their wives and children for some younger skirt....

 

You never hear of a "Bad Boy" being a great devoted husband, father, parent, etc......

 

No one at a funeral ever gets up and praises this man bec. he was a great "Bad Boy...."

 

Many seem to prefer their motorcyles and tatoos over other things in life..

 

Why women would go for those losers over Good Guys like myself, LeaningIntoTheMuse and others -- guys that would be devoted to them, take our vows seriously, listen to them and love them through thick and thin --- I'll never understand....

Edited June 24, 2011 by Floridaman

[GivenUp0083]

So, with the last post that I made, I was reminded of an issue that my ex and I had about how we viewed relationships. Not only him and I, but many people chipped in and gave their two cents. Some agreed with him, some agreed with me, and some believed something completely different, so I just wanted to see how you guys felt about it.

 

According to him, he thought that all girls just like that "bad boy" guy. The type of guy who wont shower her in "I love you's" or who wont blow up her phone by calling her all the time (he never called), or asking what she's doing, or always treating her to romantic dates. He said that girls would much prefer it if a guy who wanted to have sex with her, came up to her, put her up against the wall and just did it right then and there, rather than try to make it romantic by using candles, rose petals, and aromas. The kind of guy who wasn't walked all over, but made the girl wonder more about who she was dating. He said that he had dated many girls, and they each preferred that, and he was convinced that all girls just wanted a guy like that.

 

A friend of ours was trying to tell him that guys need to treat a girl with love and respect. That girls want to be told that they are loved and want and need to be treated to romantic dates, at least every now and then. He said that guys should do little things for their girlfriends, call them when they can, text them when they can't call them, and try spending a good amount of time with them. Try to be their "prince in shining armor" type boyfriend. My ex said that this will be okay for a certain amount of time, but that these are the type of guy that are always getting cheated on or left after so long because they're too boring and not full of excitement and wonder. He said that relationships will last longer for the "bad boy" type rather than the "good guy" type. An example he used was the love triangle in the movie "How do you Know."

 

I said that there needs to be a middle ground. No girl wants a pushover, nor does she want a complete jerk for a boyfriend who never shows her any affection and who seems to only be interested in her for sex. Those who treat their girls like crap wont even get the chance to have them for a couple of years (like the good guy would), because she'll most likely have the brains to leave them before that. He didn't think this would happen. Too many girls convinced him otherwise.

 

So, thoughts?

 

I felt my ex wanted the "good guy" but she tried to mold me into an exact replica of an ex she had before me who she claimed "treated her perfectly, just wasn't in love with anymore after 2.5 years". It's a BS reason as well because she told me a major reason why she broke it off and it was because he gave her space when her grandma died.

 

Anyway, I didn't fit the profile, I was too independent, and she felt there was a certain way a boyfriend is supposed to act in certain scenarios. I believe each relationship is different in it's own way and the way people act are based on the dynamics of the relationship and their individual personalities and experiences.

 

I think younger girls want the bad boy because they aren't ready to be serious yet, they just want to have fun, and bad boys give excitement to them, good guys are boring.

[Floridaman]

My aunt dated the "bad boys..." who gave her a bad reputation ( as "easy") and she had a child out of wedlock at much too early of an age...

 

She married some of those bad boys as well. Look at the devastation they left on her and her family...

White trash some of her family are now..... A couple of her daughters have children in their teens.... No real father figure in that part of the family...

 

I lay most of that on her.... All bec. of a serious lack of judgement on her part...

[pureinheart]

Without a doubt...the good guy. The self-destructive can have all the bad boys they want. I want to be treated like a lady and with respect:D

[Floridaman]

My aunt dated the "bad boys..." who gave her a bad reputation ( as "easy") and she had a child out of wedlock at much too early of an age...

 

She married some of those bad boys as well. Look at the devastation they left on her and her family...

White trash some of her family are now..... A couple of her daughters have children in their teens.... No real father figure in that part of the family...

 

I lay most of that on her.... All bec. of a serious lack of judgement on her part...

One of the girls was like 12 when she got pregant.

Ran off to some other state across the country to be in some nonsense...

 

My aunt's older sisters weren't perfect but they didn't marry any bad guys. They went to college, served int he military or married good men who provided for them and their families.

 

(Tried to rephrase and edit this in to the prev. msg. but timed out).

Edited June 24, 2011 by Floridaman

[GivenUp0083]

Without a doubt...the good guy. The self-destructive can have all the bad boys they want. I want to be treated like a lady and with respect:D

 

Until it gets boring...

[Untouchable_Fire]

I agree, too many people react to new people poorly because of past partner's mistakes. I was a victim of this, obviously, in our relationship, and I think it shows that they're not truly over that person regardless of how many times they say they are.

And though I do think that those who are cheated on have a higher chance of cheating in their next relationship, I'm 90% positive that I wasn't a victim of it in our relationship. I say only 90% because back in February I hit a rough time where I thought for sure that he was cheating on me or planning on doing so, and those feelings never went completely away, even though I realized that they were silly feelings to believe. He told me countless times how strongly he feels against cheating, and wouldn't do it. He's more straightforward than anything, so I know that if he wanted to be with other girls, he would just come out and tell me - which he said he doesn't want right now at all. He also reassured me after we broke up that he definitely didn't cheat on me and would never have . He said that he'd be an idiot to do that to a good girl like me, or choose to waste it with a "bad girl", and that he just, wouldn't.

It just amazes me though how someone can screw someone up that much to the point where they treat everyone like crap and don't let anyone else in. If I ever see the chick that did that hurt him so severely (he hurt her too though, I realize that), then I seriously would have to be kept back from saying or doing something I'd regret.

 

Maybe he did and maybe he didn't. It really doesn't matter at this point.

 

I can tell you for sure that past relationships can have an enormous effect on how you treat people moving forward. I have always been a very moralistic do the right thing type of guy... but after having 2 GF's in a row cheat... that makes it really hard to not react similarly.

 

It's very hard to get it out of your head that the next one isn't like the last. Especially when you look around and your friends and all the guys you know are struggling with the same thing.

 

The key is to really realize that each person is different. That you cannot punish someone new for something someone else did. The "I'm going to get her before she gets me" attitude isn't the ultimate answer.

 

Men who obsess with Bad Boy vs. Nice Guy stuff are really just struggling with confidence and trust. For women confidence isn't really that big of a deal... you can slide through life just fine with little to none it just makes things a bit tougher. For men... you can't even wake up in the morning successfully without crazy high levels of confidence. Men literally cannot function without at the very least faking it. So if believing that acting a Bad Boy will make them successful with women... that is fine by me. Whatever generates confidence and kills doormat behavior will work.

[Bertram]

Oh the good old bad boy vs nice guy dilemma

 

It is very easy: girls want men who are:

- masculine

- confident

- capable of taking charge

- good in bed

- interesting

 

If a guy has those characteristics, they will stick with him EVEN IF he is a bad boy. If another guy is boring and weak, they will not want to date him EVEN IF he is nice. Those qualities are independent from being bad or nice.

[Queen Zenobia]

Oh the good old bad boy vs nice guy dilemma

 

It is very easy: girls want men who are:

- masculine

- confident

- capable of taking charge

- good in bed

- interesting

 

If a guy has those characteristics, they will stick with him EVEN IF he is a bad boy. If another guy is boring and weak, they will not want to date him EVEN IF he is nice. Those qualities are independent from being bad or nice.

 

Precisely. The only thing I'll quibble with is the term "masculine", only because it's vague and can encompass a whole slew of interpretations. Otherwise you're right on the money.

[Janesays]

Nice + Smart = My Kryptonite

 

Bad guys never make it past the second date with me.

 

For me to really fall for a guy, I need to be woo'ed a bit. They've got to wear me down with sweetness, love and respect.

 

That doesn't mean I don't periodically like things a little rough and dirty in the bedroom, mind you! Being taken up against a wall would work just fine for me, thank you very much! But OUTSIDE of the bedroom, I need to be stroked like a kitten.

 

In my defense, I do my fair share of stroking in return.

[KR10N]

Set him up a date w/ a "bad boy". Maybe when this "bad boy" pushes him up against the wall & repeatedly rears him he'll long for a nice guy who won't take advantage of him. lol.

[Lilmisus]

Set him up a date w/ a "bad boy". Maybe when this "bad boy" pushes him up against the wall & repeatedly rears him he'll long for a nice guy who won't take advantage of him. lol.

 

That's definitely one way to put it