marriagesucks Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 Hey people. I've been advised that I should give my husband a little tatse of his own medicine. Well, I would like to get back at him for flirting with other females on front of me. Being that my husband is the only person Ive been with for the last 3 years, Ive kind of lost my touch when it comes to flirting. Back in the day, when I was a big flirt, it was mostly physical for the most part. Im not too big on words. So I came here to ask for a few pointers on flirting without touching. I just want to get back at him without being too disrespectful. Just enough to tick him off for a couple days. Thanks guys. Link to post Share on other sites
sportsloving Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 Sounds like such a great thing, ticking off your spouse for a few days for revenge. Why not just tell him that his behavior is bothering you? Communication isn't over~rated ya know. Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 I don't think an eye for an eye works. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marriagesucks Posted April 4, 2004 Author Share Posted April 4, 2004 i always confront him when he does something that bothers me. no matter how big or small it is. but when your husband starts saying things like "oh well" "so what" and shrugging his shoulders as if to say he doesnt care, then that makes me feel like i have to resort to getting him to hear me by other means. in this case im adopting the phrase, "i can show you better than i can tell you." good luck to me!! (smiley face) Link to post Share on other sites
sportsloving Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 You said you confront him.. but do you tell him how it makes you feel if you see him flirting? Apparently if you really want to know how to flirt, watch him ... he seems to do it well enough to get his point across and make you want revenge. Link to post Share on other sites
average guy Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 I don't think you flirting is going to help at all. I think your husband would have realised the problem and changed his behaviour if he intended to if you have already confronted him about the problem. Unfortunately, I think you are going to need heavier guns such as couples counseling or, if it is really a problem, maybe a hint about needing a seperation. All I can say for sure, if it's happening after only 3 years of marraige, it's not going to get any better in the future without some major changes in his thinking. My father flirted, danced and even kissed other women in front of my mother and us kids (at parties, dinners, etc.) and it was horribly disrespectful to all of us (not to mention shattering our self-worth, self-esteem, turst and security - so my last peice of advice would be NOT to have kids until after you set him straight or leave him. Best of luck Cheers, A.G. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 Add it up: His behavior bothers you and he won't listen to you, and that is bad. You're going to go ahead and be a hypocrit and act the same way to bother him, and that is also bad. You'll both be acting like morons and you'll both be upset: Twice as much bad. Do you really know how he'll respond when you start acting that way? Are you totally sure that it won't escalate to some place neither of you want to go? The reason you don't flirt is because you don't believe that should be part of your marriage. So you're going to throw that away? I'd recommend finding some way to get him to listen to you and respect you. That will give you longer term benefits. Link to post Share on other sites
faux Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 Hey people. I've been advised that I should give my husband a little tatse of his own medicine... One act of revenge often begins a never-ending cycle. You were ill-advised. Do as you will, but seeking vengeance will solve nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Vivid_29 Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 What exactly did he do? ~V Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t35906/ I think there's another thread too, but this is the one that led to this spinoff/sequel thread. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marriagesucks Posted April 5, 2004 Author Share Posted April 5, 2004 to the person who commented on the sequal threads...... hey guys, i wasnt trying to make a sequal thread..i didnt even know there was one like this. i realize that there are lost of people having problems in their marriage the more i read these threads. to the person who asked what exactly did my husband do..... he has walked passed females and said "hey sexy" to them he has blown kisses at females just the day before yesterday, we went out with his friend and his friends gf my husband and the gf sat across from each other i sat next to my husband my husband let this female rub her foot against his leg he always makes an effort to caress a females hand for whatever reason to the person who asked when i confronted my husband do i tell him how i feel..... of course i do, thats part of the confrontation to the guy who said i would be a hypocrit for getting revenge.... you are right, i wont do it to the person who said i dont flirt because i dont think it should be part of my marriage... you are also right to the person who said hold off on having kids..... we already have a 1 year old daughter....being that you said it destroyed you and your siblings self esteem, that made me put more thought into getting a divorce now for todays events.... we were having a discussion on the way home... i told him about the girlfriend ribbing her foot against his leg..... he laughed and said it didnt happen.... i told him that it seems like we dont see eye to eye, he said "ding ding ding" then i said since we dont see eye to eye on things how are we going to solve our problems, he said he didnt know, i said well i think we need to sit down and talk, he sat down and started palying his PS2, and now im pissed off and writing to you guys....i dont know what the f to do with this a-hole...im am so close to just serving him with divorce papers its not even funny...all of the people who ive talked to that have experience in the marriage department all said that nothing that my husband and i are going through is worth getting a divorce over..... so because of that im trying to hold on.....im so confused....i dont know what to do or say anymore....all i know is that im 20 going on 21, i dont want to be a singel mother, and that i wish my marriage had worked out the way i wanted it to....the thought that keeps running through my mind is that i feel that nothing was right in my marriage from the beginning...we've broken up once before we even got married and had a child, and i swear to the heavens above i wish i would kept it that way!!!!!!!!! but now that im married to the guy i feel obligated to make it work...i feel like ive made my bed so now i have to sleep in it...something told me not marry this guy....i should have listened to my instincts!!! Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted April 5, 2004 Share Posted April 5, 2004 to the person who commented on the sequal threads...... hey guys, i wasnt trying to make a sequal thread..i didnt even know there was one like this. Sorry...didn't mean it like that. When Viv asked the question I thought I should find your other thread that had more of the story to it - that link is the other thread you started, which he may not have seen when he posted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marriagesucks Posted April 5, 2004 Author Share Posted April 5, 2004 i clicked on the link to the "sequal thread", that thread is mine, i wouldnt call it a sequal thread so to say, so you can disregard my reply to your post..thanks guys Link to post Share on other sites
Author marriagesucks Posted April 5, 2004 Author Share Posted April 5, 2004 Originally posted by reasontosigh Sorry...didn't mean it like that. When Viv asked the question I thought I should find your other thread that had more of the story to it - that link is the other thread you started, which he may not have seen when he posted. rgr....i totally understand the situation now..thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
Author marriagesucks Posted April 5, 2004 Author Share Posted April 5, 2004 i just got finished talking to my husband about whats been going on...he says that there isnt anything to talk about....i said that we need to talk about the things that we dont see eye to eye on....he said that he doesnt see what it is that he is doing wrong or that he is even doing anything wrong...so i said fine since you cant see what you are doing wrong, i'll show you what your doing wrong,....which means that im going to do everything that to him that he has done to me....lord knows i'll feel bad about it in the process...but oh well...i'll do whatever it takes.!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
average guy Posted April 5, 2004 Share Posted April 5, 2004 Hi marriagesucks, You don't have to "make your bed and sleep in it to", people make mistakes, accidents happen, life changes... it is NOT your fault! I need to highly recommend that you see a therapist immediately before you make any decisions, however my advice would be that you might want to think about being a single mom - trust me living alone with your self-respect is more important than having someone around who belittles you by not answering your questions, playing computer games instead of talking (about a serious issue) and flirting (and possibly chaeting now or later on) with other women. But please, see a therapist! There should be scoial services if you can't afford one (I have seen them before) and they can be very helpful. Even if they just recommend a womens support group (maybe even one for single mothers where you can talk to them and get their advice, maybe one or two have been through what you are going through). Anyway, best of luck...and I wish you all the best in getting the respect you deserve Cheers, A.G. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marriagesucks Posted April 5, 2004 Author Share Posted April 5, 2004 hey everyone, thanks for your advice..but i still have a few more things to say about this subject. my husband and i were in the library today, and (i guess i shouldnt watch for these things anymore because i feel lke im only hurting myself) i saw this SPC (specialist) in uniform walk past my husband and tap him with her arm. to me this is flirting, i didnt see any action taken from my husband (meaning he didnt flirt with her). so now its safe to say that i dont totally blame my husband for flirting with females because the females flirt with him too. and all of these females know were together. so why do they just blantantly disrespect me to my face like that. i feel like slapping the piss out of them. so my question is.... is it part of everyone's nature, except for mine, to just out right flirt with someone while they are with their significant other?? am i over reacting?? am i insecure?? in my opinion, its just not morally right. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted April 5, 2004 Share Posted April 5, 2004 I read the things you said your husband does, and I think he's overstepping the line, BADLY. He's bad news. You said you were 20, and I forget how old you said he was, but you are a young couple, and it sounds like you were pregnant before the marriage. I think your husband needs to decide if he's actually ready to be married, because from the things you've said he's been doing, it definitely doesn't look like he is. I can understand and empathize with your frustration...I would be just as FEDUP LOL. I'm not laughing at you, but at myself...you can laugh with me if you want Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted April 6, 2004 Share Posted April 6, 2004 First of all, excusing his behavior by saying that you see women flirting WITH HIM (like the example you gave, of the chick in uniform walking up to him and tapping him on the arm)...don't be too quick to let him off the hook. It's entirely possible that the reason she or any other woman flirts with him, whether in your presence or not, is because he's flirted with THEM in the past....and for all you know, they don't even KNOW you're his wife. Don't assume that because you might be sitting WITH HIM and you have on a wedding band, that they're going to ASSUME you're his wife. My ex husband (I was 25 when I married him, he was 27)...he was flirting and sleeping up a storm behind my back for I'm sure all of our marriage.......why? Because he didn't tell anyone I was his wife. Long after I'd divorced him, I learned that many of the women in our town didn't even KNOW he'd ever been married. For us, we'd gotten married in my home town, so I guess only those he "chose" to tell knew we were married. Conveniently for him, he didn't feel it necessary to tell the gals in our town. You've expressed to your husband that his disrespectful behavior bothers you, yet he doesn't get it *OR* does get it but just doesn't care. A guy would have to have the brain of a mudflap to NOT "get" that this kind of flirtatious behavior is rude/crass/disrespectful. Turning the tables on him and "flirting up a storm" yourself will only end up backfiring....because once you do it, he'll feel even MORE justified for being a pig. And then when he's more of a pig, you won't have a leg to stand on for commenting on his rude behavior..because he'll just say "well you're not angel yourself." He doesn't sound very loyal to you, or your feelings. Maybe he's purposely doing this as a way of "grossing you out" so that you'll leave the marriage? Have you ever sat down and asked him if he was happy being married? Behavior like this, to me, indicates the guy isn't happy in the marriage, and wants to be "free" again. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted April 6, 2004 Share Posted April 6, 2004 I think he sounds like a big AssClown. I'd be flirting alright....but it would 't be to make him jealous. It would be in hopes of MOVING ON. If I was pouring my heart out and some guy said 'Ding Ding Ding'.....that would be the LAST friggin DING he ever heard. I'd be so pissed off.....his life would be in danger. And I'm not exaggerating or kidding...... I would NEVER put up with that!!! Link to post Share on other sites
lisapisa Posted April 6, 2004 Share Posted April 6, 2004 Don't sink to his level. I think the best tactic would be to flirt right along with the women with him. Shower as much attention on his chosen "victim" as he is doing, right in front of him. The woman will think the two of you are very friendly (maybe too friendly?) and should leave quickly. At best, don't react in a negative way to the flirting. Pretend you don't notice, better yet, pretend you notice and don't care! His reward is your jealously and anger. So don't reward him. Go further, say, that was a hot babe tonight, I'd like to get to know her better! Have some fun and confuse him at the same time. Link to post Share on other sites
spencer Posted April 6, 2004 Share Posted April 6, 2004 lisapisa, i love your advice, thats something my sick little brain would do too. to marriagesucks: start with a code word, pick a word that you could say in public that would let him know when his behavior crossed the line with you. I might choose something like... "little penis" or "2minute man" = you did or said something that really pissed me off, and this is what i have been telling you why im mad later. no seriously, use a ridiculous sounding word so it makes you both laugh when said. like "babe-a-nuffer" =(enough with the babe) my bf & I have words we made up-(actually sounds like were speaking german though we cant speak the language well) our most important word.. i cant tell you because its a secret, but it means " i need to leave now". whereever we are, regardless whom were with, we both respect the others assesment of the situation and carry out the leaving process. many good relationships do this. I didn't make it up. it also adds fun to the relationship. its a start Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted April 6, 2004 Share Posted April 6, 2004 Originally posted by lisapisa Don't sink to his level. I think the best tactic would be to flirt right along with the women with him. Shower as much attention on his chosen "victim" as he is doing, right in front of him. The woman will think the two of you are very friendly (maybe too friendly?) and should leave quickly. At best, don't react in a negative way to the flirting. Pretend you don't notice, better yet, pretend you notice and don't care! His reward is your jealously and anger. So don't reward him. Go further, say, that was a hot babe tonight, I'd like to get to know her better! Have some fun and confuse him at the same time. Marriage shouldn't be about playing games, or her having the flirt right along with these women.....or *pretending* not to notice the flirting or *pretending* not to care. Marriage should be about treating your spouse with respect and not behaving in such a way that betrays them or hurts their feelings. That doesn't sound like a marriage to me, that sounds like a farce. He's made it abundantly clear that he doesn't give a crap how she feels and he refuses to "get it" so I don't see any point in here stooping to his level or playing little "games" to try and deal with this. No spouse should have to put up with this rude, juvenile, marriage-breaking behavior. Honest to God, if a husband of mine did that, I'd divorce his arse faster than you can shake a stick........I'm worth more than that, and so is she...and I hope she realizes that. Link to post Share on other sites
lisapisa Posted April 6, 2004 Share Posted April 6, 2004 She wanted to play a game, I just gave her a smarter one to play. She's not ready to leave, not yet. By negating his game (bad habit) she takes the power away from him and this is all about control. I hate to say it, but with men sometimes, you have to play their game and play it better than they do. Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted April 6, 2004 Share Posted April 6, 2004 From my understanding, you cought your husband's friend's girlfriend flirting with your husband. Why didn't you look her square in the eye, and say, "What are you doing!?!?!?!?! Don't you know that we're MARRIED!?!?!?" Can you imagine the dear in the headlights look she's have, and how confused her boyfriend would look??? Don't let your husband do that...embarass the crap out of him girl! Don't sink to his level. I think the best tactic would be to flirt right along with the women with him. Shower as much attention on his chosen "victim" as he is doing, right in front of him. The woman will think the two of you are very friendly (maybe too friendly?) and should leave quickly. At best, don't react in a negative way to the flirting. Pretend you don't notice, better yet, pretend you notice and don't care! His reward is your jealously and anger. So don't reward him. Go further, say, that was a hot babe tonight, I'd like to get to know her better! Have some fun and confuse him at the same time. This is actually a good idea. I was cashiering for a co-worker on lunch one time, and I had on these hose that zigzagged up my leg (they were too cute...but any way) An older man and woman came to my office to pay a bill, and the older man said, "Woah, you're getting me hot with those stockings!" Now normally, I would laugh and flirt with the old guy (it's fun to flirt with old guys ) but since his wife was standing right there, it was absolutely akward. Then she chimed in with, "Oh wow, they're making me hot too!" which made me laugh at them for having fun together. It didn't seem like her husband's comment bothered her at all! It made THEM seem like the couple, and me the outsider, even though I was the target of flirtation. If anything, I was embarassed. Those women who are flirting with your husband should be ashamed of themselves! No self respecting woman would flirt with a man RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS WIFE! I don't know what's wrong with your husband, honey. Men never see themselves in our actions. My husband can make fun of me for saying something stupid, but if I say the exact words to him for being stupid, he gets upset. If I reference the irony, he get's even more upset. I doubt your husband will see what he's doing in you flirting with other men. I also doubt that he realizes he's hurting you. Men just tend to think that their wives want to control them, and therefore nag them to death...they rarely seem to realize that maybe they actually ARE hurting us! I can't imagine my husband having the disrespect for me that your husband has. It has to be so humiliating. There are two possibilities. 1, he genuinely feels innocent with his flirtings, and doesn't see any reason to change, because you have NO REASON to be upset, because he loves you with all his heart, and would never in a million years stray, and he can't fathom that you'd ever doubt him, and he can't fathom why his friendliness would hurt you, and he can't fathom how you can see what he's doing as flirting. 2, He doesn't give a crap about you, and he's going to do what he wants. If you are considering divorce, that's up to you. If you can't be happy with the way things are, then make the best decision for you and your child. Maybe moving out would be a wake up call for him. Maybe he'll realize that you are serious, and start looking at himself as doing something hurtful. Honestly, I think your husband is misunderstanding you. You haven't been married very long, so communication is probably still a little difficult at this stage. I have had problems with my husband, and he would act like he didn't care, but after tons of research, I found out that he cares about ME, and that he didn't understand why what he was doing could hurt me, so he thought I was just a controlling nag, and ignored me. People do stupid things sometimes. People don't always "get" each other either. You're story hurts my heart, because when I read your words, I can see the pain you feel, and the need to resolve this, but your husband doesn't understand, so he choses to believe that nothing is wrong, and refuses to discuss it with you. I don't know what to tell you, except that I am sorry that you are facing such a difficult situation. It's not your fault. Link to post Share on other sites
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