torn

[Belle2]

I'm in a relationship right now where it's just not what i consider fun or exciting, i don't much feel like i'm in it at all. We got together in kind of a strange way, there was a lot of people who didn't like it and there was a ton of drama. Our relationship started off where we were both extremely attracted to each other and i just don't feel that anymore.. i keep thinking maybe it was just lust and we were never meant to turn in to a longterm thing. We've been together for a little over a year, we're both working hard in school.. opposite schedules which is nice for me, and we'll be starting jobs in addition to being full time students. There's not a lot of time for our relationship. We used to have sex everyday and enjoy it now i don't even want to.. i feel guilty about it, like i should be satisfying him but in all honesty i don't really want to. After we initially got together after all the external drama died down, we got to the weird uncomfortable phase where it became internal drama between just the two of us when i continued talking to guys from my past and the jealousy went through the roof. To the point where he took my phone on occasions and lied about it, he's lied to me a lot during the course of our relationship but i'd have to say when my phone and license went missing in efforts to pretty much trap and isolate me and he "knew nothing about it" even though it happened several different times where i actually got neither back.. it made me feel like he owned me, but that was going way too far. There are some things I find myself still hating him for there's just so much that has happened I don't know if i can forgive him, but am I angry with him still and that's whats killing the attraction or was it just lust and that died off?... He's a really sexy guy so why shouldn't i want to put my hands on him all the time? I felt the most intense attraction to him more to him than for anyone before.. it used to be so strong and it felt so good. Now I feel like I'm always looking for an outlet, another guy.. someone to talk to or flirt with cause we don't do that anymore. I don't expect things to be crazy exciting forever i mean the "vacation phase" only lasts so long. Is it me, is it because he was such a jerk and did unforgivable things.. is that still my fault because i shouldn't have gotten back with him unless i was ready to forgive? If a relationship isn't working i think that means its time to break up right? Or does it take a lot of work and you should stick it out if you care a lot about that person..? he always wants to stay together when i tell him i just want to be single. its just i have been with enough crazy controlling guys in my life i need to just focus on me.. he's not like that anymore or maybe he is i'm just used to it. i question am i really in love with him? i don't feel like i am maybe i am .. i know i care for him. He's just not the guy i thought he was although i figured that out a long time ago and continued to be with him. He lets me down all the time, is never thoughtful, we don't hang out and i hate to sound like "that girl" cause i always pretended i didn't care about that stuff but i do and he's nothing great like he made himself out to be when we first got together.. he put on a show for a while until his true colors came out. I'm really sad i don't know what to do. I don't want to be unfaithful and i know some of my actions are questionable.. i feel really alone though and trying to fill that void not sexually but getting to know another man.. i feel vulnerable to the thought. he wants to stay together and for me to just not talk to other guys at all.. i understand why he doesn't want me to i feel a little forced in to this. i don't get why he wouldn't just say hello you're hurting me so its over.. he hurt me too so even though i feel bad i'm hurt and i need a connection somewhere. how do i feel, what do i do, how do i know if its right?