revealing my horrible past

[Jetta]

My ex boyfriend and I are getting back together sometime soon, and I have some really horrible secrets I have to reveal to him before we get back together*

 

..I have a really big fear of intimacy!

 

Afew weeks ago I was raped by an abusive ex/ex boyfriend*

 

My new guy knows the abuse is still going on, but he doesn't know about the restraining order, or the rape*

 

I really need to tell him so he doesn't get upset about the whole intimacy thing*) I don't want him to feel like I don't like him, when infact I just want to take it slow***

 

...Any ideas how I may be able to bring any of this up to him????

 

(((And, I was thinking of asking him out before he asks me so it'll take the pressure off him/ any ideas how I can bring up the idea of "us" together again would be great***?

[Tony T]

You need to have a nice, long talk with your new boyfriend and give him all the details, including what emotional and sexual problems you face at this point. Give him the full details of the time it may take you to heal from this so he fully understands what he will be facing. Also, let him know about the possibilities that this ex may stalk you and what has been happening in that regard. Tell him of the restraining order and show him a copy.

 

I urge you to begin professional counselling immediately. Getting over such a traumatic situation can be very difficult to do alone. I hope you have initiated criminal prosecution.

 

Frankly, for my two cents, I don't think you are in an emotional position to be dating someone at this point. I mean you went through one of the most emotionally tramatic experiences a women can ever go through only TWO WEEKS AGO. I hope you will give yourself time to get yourself together. You won't die not having a man around, unless you are doing this for reasons of protection, etc.

 

I also hope you will give some serious thought as to why you are getting back with someone you previously broke up with. And while you're at it, give some thought to why you remained with someone so abusive he had the capacity to rape you. You don't need to get yourself in any more violent or emotional upheavals.

 

Anyway, set every detail before your new man (who used to be your ex). It is only fair that he know exactly what he's getting into. And also let him know that violence or abuse of any kind, physical or emotional, is something you will never tolerate a minute again from any human being.

 

If he can't handle the information or has a problem with it, tell him to buzz off and then spend some time with yourself. You would be amazed at how great your own company can be...and so much less violent.

 

NOTE: Restraining orders are of little or no value when they are against crazy people. I, a stranger, am concerned for your personal safety. I urge you to take whatever measures you, police, your friends and family may have suggested to ensure you have no encounters with this crazy man. Why in heaven's name is he not in jail???

[Taressa]

Jetta,

 

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE give yourself time before renewing the relationship with your ex. Make sure you're going back to him for good, strong reasons and not out of desperation to find your worth and security in a man.

 

Find either a counselor or a very wise, trusted friend who will help you talk through your feelings. Find someone patient because it can take a long time to overcome the guilt, fear, and questions of the night you got raped.

 

Be careful whom you tell about the rape... or better said, be careful of the reasons behind whom you tell of the rape. You'll find the emotions leftover from that night may become quite a crutch. Your natural tendency now may be to act weak and seek out protection in male friendships. It may be hard for you to be alone but your future will be best if you take it into your own hands.

 

Be patient and work through your emotions. Take the time to rebuild your confidence and security. Once you regain your sense of self-reliance and control you'll find yourself strong enough to enter into a mature relationship. For now, beware of new romantic relationships because they will tend to be codependent ones that will hamper your healing.

 

As far as the restraining order, your judgment is best since you know how that jerk of a friend operates. Consider if the restraining order will warn him off or just anger him and how he may respond. Prosecution of the rapist is the best protection you could give yourself... pursue that possibility with the detective who initially heard your complaint and consider pressing charges.

 

From experience,

 

Taressa