Long distance marriage

[confusedandlonely]

I’m new here but would love any advice.

 

My husband and I married in 2008. We were together for 4 years before getting married. When we met I was in a job that I wasn’t happy with – it also had me away all the time, which my DH didn’t like. With his pushing/backing I decided to go back to school to hopefully enroll in a professional program of which there are only a few in the country and none where we lived. DH told me he would move with me wherever I was accepted and would do whatever so that we would stay together. All I’ve ever wanted in life was to be a mother/wife and take care of the household, but DH wanted a wife with a career.

 

We married in June 2008 and I applied that year for the program after finally gaining the prerequisites needed. I was accepted across country for that Sept and that summer after marrying we came out here to look for a house. We bought a fixer upper together and I moved in that Sept. DH stayed behind to look for work. That Nov/Dec he was offered a great job in a city a 7 hour drive away from my program. He was also offered a job in his field, but a slight step down in the city where my program is. Despite my begging, he decided to take the other job. I offered to quit my program and do something else but he wouldn’t have it.

 

We’re now 3 years in and I’m miserable. Not only am I not enjoying the program, but I’m so tired of being alone. We generally see each other every second weekend, but I’m burning out quickly and am sick of being alone night after night. This is not how I saw our first years of marriage and never would have married him knowing that he wouldn’t have followed me or let me follow him. Family, for me, comes ahead of careers and being as DH has a successful career it makes me so upset that he still insists I stay here and we be alone. I have only a year left of my program but I’m not sure if I can carry on any longer the way things are. I’m also hurt and feel betrayed that he told me one thing, which I believed, and turned around and did something else.

 

I don’t know what to do and would love some advice. Please be honest… perhaps it’s me who is not being understanding for the sacrifices we are both having to make… I know it’s not easy on him either, but I just don’t know if I can keep going. Sorry for the novel, and thanks to those who have made it this far.

[Kivu]

Family, for me, comes ahead of careers and being as DH has a successful career it makes me so upset that he still insists I stay here and we be alone.

 

I would be very, very suspicious if my husband "insists" that we be several hours apart from each other. That rings all sorts of bells. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he has a serious girlfriend he keeps on the side, who accepts he'll be away every other weekend. I also wouldn't be surprised if he was dating casually, either.

 

In any case, even if he's faithful to you, seeing you two times a month is only 48 days a year. That's 13% of a relationship, in my opinion.

 

I don't want to say that all long distance relationships are bad - I'm saying a long distance relationship where there is the possibility of being closer (you moving to be with him) but one person rejects it out of hand tends not to be a very equal or passionate relationship.

[xxoo]

. All I’ve ever wanted in life was to be a mother/wife and take care of the household, but DH wanted a wife with a career.

 

This is the first red flag for me. Why did you choose this man, if he wanted a wife different from who you are? Did you think you could change yourself to suit him?

 

. This is not how I saw our first years of marriage and never would have married him knowing that he wouldn’t have followed me or let me follow him. Family, for me, comes ahead of careers and being as DH has a successful career it makes me so upset that he still insists I stay here and we be alone. I have only a year left of my program but I’m not sure if I can carry on any longer the way things are. I’m also hurt and feel betrayed that he told me one thing, which I believed, and turned around and did something else.

 

How honest have you been with him about your feelings? Have you told him that you feel betrayed, using that exact word? Have you told him that you feel forced to stay in the program, and you don't want to be there?

 

If so, how does he respond?

 

Fundamentally, I think the issue is that you have been willing to play the role of your H's "ideal wife", at the expense of who you truly are. I would examine why you were ever willing to do that. Why didn't you, from the beginning, say "Sorry, that's not who I am. This is who I am. Maybe that means we are incompatible."