Husband of 8 years visited an old flame for closure

[southern_cali]

Background: Me, female, late 20's. Husband, early 30's. Together for 11 years, married for 8 years. We were both dating other people when we got together. Not a good start for us.

 

 

I recently found out that my husband met up with an old flame (some time in 2008-2009). By old flame I mean some chick he liked while in high school. They never dated, were close friends, and he took her to 1 high school dance.

 

I found out by accident and when I confronted him with it, he lied. It took about 2 hours to get the entire truth. At the end of the tooth pulling I had to give him to get any info (he kept lying, then would leak information lil' by lil'), he said he bumped into this old flame in town, they talked briefly and left it at that. According to him, he was worried about this getting back to me and me being "hurt" by it, so the next week he visited her at her office to tell her he was married. Not only did he tell her he was married, he talked about himself and what he does now and the days that he is in town, they talked about her and what she was doing and then about high school. At the end of the conversation, he told her he had feelings for her in high school. She said she knew. He said he needed closure and never saw her again.

 

I had the chance to speak with her and she said that she knew he was married when they bumped into one another in town, he surprised her at her office the following week, he talked proudly of what he did and told her what days he was in town, they talked about what she did and got to talking about high school. She said "he looked like he was carrying around a heavy burden and that this has been troubling him for a while, so I gave him his time to talk and let it out." He told her about his feelings for her in high school and asked her why she didn't feel that same about him and she told him why. They hugged goodbye and she never saw him again.

 

I'm very hurt over this and I don't know what to do. I'm not happy with the secrecy and lying. He's telling me that he hid this from me to protect me and said he never wanted me to find out (like that makes it better). He said he needed to get it off his chest and move on, and it makes me think has he been wondering about her all this time we've been together? If it was so innocent, why not be honest? He continued to lie and lie and lie, and I still don't know if what he is telling me is the entire truth. The chick, this old flame, talked to me about her version of the events but even I am hesitant to believe everything she said. According to her "I'm in the public eye and I don't need this getting out to the public, this gossip." So if something did happen, or they continued to see one another, I doubt she would tell me the entire truth. She's worried about her image.

 

When he apologizes, he fails to acknowledge any of the events. Anything I say about it, his response is "I never lied about loving you."

When I found out and we were arguing, I said "how could you do this and not tell me and continue to lie about it", his retort was "I didn't want this. I was asleep, you're the one who woke me up." He had been asleep when I had discovered this and had to wake him up to ask questions. When I ask him why he continued to lie even after he was busted, he said "well I was still half asleep." Ugh!!!!!!

 

Like I said, I don't know what to believe. If the events transpired the way they are saying, is it normal to be this upset or should I be understanding?

Even right now when I ask him what were his intentions in going over there, he keeps saying it was to tell her he was married and to protect me from hearing that they bumped into one another. Huh?

 

What bothers me the most is not knowing if I know the entire truth and that I will never be able to know it.

 

I wonder what would have happened had she said that she was not interested then, but she was interested now. I can't help but think he would have jumped at that chance. Needless to say that when I learned of this, I felt very threatened

 

My husband was not an experienced man when we got together, although we were dating other people when him and I began our relationship. Yup, not a good idea to do that. We know that now. Anyhoo, he's only had 2 girlfriends before me and only 1 was serious (1 and 1/2 years). To give you a lil' background about him, his first kiss was at 22 years old and when we moved into our first condo I found a date listed on a day planner that had a heart marked around it that said "first kiss." I don't know many men like my husband. Yup, he bloomed very late in the game.

 

Any responses would be great! I need an outside point of view.

Edited April 1, 2011 by southern_cali

[Dust]

I'd be hurt to. How did you find out?

[dreamingoftigers]

Background: Me, female, late 20's. Husband, early 30's. Together for 11 years, married for 8 years. We were both dating other people when we got together. Not a good start for us.

 

I recently found out that my husband met up with an old flame (some time in 2008-2009). By old flame I mean some chick he liked while in high school. They never dated, were close friends, and he took her to 1 high school dance.

 

I found out by accident and :mad:when I confronted him with it, he lied. It took about 2 hours to get the entire truth. At the end of the tooth pulling I had to give him to get any info (he kept lying, then would leak information lil' by lil'), :mad: he said he bumped into this old flame in town, they talked briefly and left it at that. According to him, :mad::mad:he was worried about this getting back to me and me being "hurt" by it,:mad: so the next week he visited her at her office to tell her he was married. (??? Do you go and ring up your old flames at work to mention you are married, randomly???) Not only did he tell her he was married, he talked about himself and what he does now and the days that he is in town, they talked about her and what she was doing and then about high school. At the end of the conversation, he told her he had feelings for her in high school. She said she knew. He said he needed closure (closure from their never having ever dated? My god, I would spend two years 24/7 looking up every guy I never dated to let them know that I am married and need 'closure.') and never saw her again.

 

I had the chance to speak with her and she said that she knew he was married when they bumped into one another in town, he surprised her at her office the following week, he talked proudly of what he did and told her what days he was in town, they talked about what she did and got to talking about high school. She said "he looked like he was carrying around a heavy burden and that this has been troubling him for a while, so I gave him his time to talk and let it out." (oh please, this sounds so contrived!!) He told her about his feelings for her in high school and asked her why she didn't feel that same about him and she told him why. They hugged goodbye and she never saw him again.

 

I'm very hurt over this and I don't know what to do. I'm not happy with the secrecy and lying. :mad::mad:He's telling me that he hid this from me to protect me and said he never wanted me to find out (like that makes it better). He said he needed to get it off his chest and move on, :mad::mad:and it makes me think has he been wondering about her all this time we've been together? If it was so innocent, why not be honest? :mad:He continued to lie and lie and lie, and I still don't know if what he is telling me is the entire truth.:mad: The chick, this old flame, talked to me about her version of the events but even I am hesitant to believe everything she said. According to her "I'm in the public eye and I don't need this getting out to the public, this gossip." So if something did happen, or they continued to see one another, I doubt she would tell me the entire truth. She's worried about her image.

 

:mad::mad:When he apologizes, he fails to acknowledge any of the events. Anything I say about it, his response is "I never lied about loving you." :mad:(OMFG, he read my husband's book: How to Lie Without Being Convincing or Rational)

 

When I found out and we were arguing, I said "how could you do this and not tell me and continue to lie about it", :mad:his retort was "I didn't want this. I was asleep, you're the one who woke me up.":mad::mad: He had been asleep when I had discovered this and had to wake him up to ask questions. :mad:When I ask him why he continued to lie even after he was busted, he said "well I was still half asleep." Ugh!!!!!!:mad:

 

Like I said, I don't know what to believe. If the events transpired the way they are saying, is it normal to be this upset or should I be understanding? He is LYING!

Even right now when I ask him what were his intentions in going over there, he keeps saying it was to tell her he was married and to protect me from hearing that they bumped into one another. Huh? I SMELL SMOKE! Holy crap, his pants, they are a burning!

 

What bothers me the most is not knowing if I know the entire truth and that I will never be able to know it. Polygraph the lying SOB.

 

I wonder what would have happened had she said that she was not interested then, but she was interested now. I can't help but think he would have jumped at that chance. Needless to say that when I learned of this, I felt very threatened

 

My husband was not an experienced man when we got together, although we were dating other people when him and I began our relationship. Yup, not a good idea to do that. We know that now. Anyhoo, he's only had 2 girlfriends before me and only 1 was serious (1 and 1/2 years). To give you a lil' background about him, his first kiss was at 22 years old and when we moved into our first condo I found a date listed on a day planner that had a heart marked around it that said "first kiss." I don't know many men like my husband. Yup, he bloomed very late in the game.

 

Any responses would be great! I need an outside point of view.

 

I'll tell you what, it may just be me, but this sends up more flags then the Soviet Army did in 50 years! I swear you are married to my husband too, he used all of the same lines.

 

How is your stomach, does it flip-flop? If you got the tummy flip-flop, you got yourself a LIAR PANTS VERY MUCH ON FIRE!

 

I bolded all of the parts that my husband behaves like/says when he is in "lie through his teeth mode" and put angry faces around them.

 

This deviates from my standard posting style because it struck me like a Mac Truck. My husband seriously used those lines as part of his lying strategy. He might not have banged her but he is so full of **** that I can smell him in Canada!

 

And yes I am a "little crazy" but this posting is about as much of a reality check as you could ask for. It ain't me.... it's him. He's a liar!

 

Sorry to say... hope things are okay.

[dreamingoftigers]

btw, at least head into MC, don't let him just gaslight you. Squash this mosquito (the situation) quickly.

[southern_cali]

I'd be hurt to. How did you find out?

 

Husband is a volunteer baseball coach and a member of the board. The baseball team has a facebook page for parents to go to (husband does not have a facebook and does not get online very much).

He is listed as the owner of the facebook but I pretty much update it and get the emails and inquiries. His name is on the facebook

page as a board member and his clear/large pics of him on it.

This chick, this old flame, pretty much spilled the beans in the first e-mail.

"Hey, glad to see you on facebook. Haven't heard anything about you since seeing you in my office, yada yada yada..."

Edited April 1, 2011 by southern_cali

[southern_cali]

@ dreamingoftigers,

 

Thank you for your response. In your second post, you said "btw, at least head into MC, don't let him just gaslight you. Squash this mosquito (the situation) quickly." I know I'm a newb, but what do the terms "MC" and "gaslight you" mean? Sorry

 

Secondly, he's not here in the house right now. I don't know if I overreacted but I just can't handle the entire situation right now. The way I found out, the fact that he never dated her, the lies lies lies...I just need my space.

 

It's funny how they turn the situation around on you and place blame at your feet instead of taking the heat and facing the fire.

 

Yes, when the old flame said "he seemed to be carrying a large burden" it did seem to be contrived but I have to say she was way over the top throughout our conversation. She said things like "this has become an eye sore" (no one else knows about it), "I don't know if you know who I am", "I'm a pillar of the community" and "my reputation cannot be tarnished from this." Yes, she was way over the top.

 

What angered me even more is when she said our marriage needed more communication and that I should not have a problem with my husband visiting a single woman at her office. This chick is in her 30's, never married, and she has the audacity to lecture me about trust?

Edited April 1, 2011 by southern_cali

[dreamingoftigers]

@ dreamingoftigers,

 

Thank you for your response. In your second post, you said "btw, at least head into MC, don't let him just gaslight you. Squash this mosquito (the situation) quickly." I know I'm a newb, but what do the terms "MC" and "gaslight you" mean? Sorry

 

Marital Counseling and gaslighting comes from a film called Gaslight, where the wayward spouse lies and makes you feel crazy. I.e.: "If I was going to sleep with her then why I would phone you and talk to you just before I did it?" Or some such other stupidity.

 

"Don't you think I love you?"

 

Secondly, he's not here in the house right now. I don't know if I overreacted but I just can't handle the entire situation right now. The way I found out, the fact that he never dated her, the lies lies lies...I just need my space.

 

It's funny how they turn the situation around on you and place blame at your feet instead of taking the heat and facing the fire.

 

Welcome to Loveshack, many have dealt with it. My husband has only recently discovered the joys of behaviour ownership. It helps when they text you and argue about what they just texted you.

 

Yes, when the old flame said "he seemed to be carrying a large burden" it did seem to be contrived but I have to say she was way over the top throughout our conversation. She said things like "this has become an eye sore" (no one else knows about it), "I don't know if you know who I am", "I'm a pillar of the community" and "my reputation cannot be tarnished from this." Yes, she was way over the top.

 

She sounds like my Dad, he's a liar too. You have no idea the mental picture that creates.

 

What angered me even more is when she said our marriage needed more communication and that I should not have a problem with my husband visiting a single woman at her office. This chick is in her 30's, never married, and she has the audacity to lecture me about trust?

 

Um, wrong. Like I said, he might not have banged her but he is sure waving all the red flags. I hope for your sake he's just dumb.

[Goldenspoon]

When he apologizes, he fails to acknowledge any of the events. Anything I say about it, his response is "I never lied about loving you."

 

Translation: I never said I love you more than I love her either.