Facebook Question...

[melenkurion]

He deleted himself completely from Facebook for about four months. He did that one week after we broke up.

 

I believe he has since added himself back about one month ago, and that he has presumably blocked me. I have occasionally noticed one-sided conversations where mutual friends appear to be talking to themselves, so I would say that someone has blocked me. He's the only one who would have reason to. I actually consider it a small (accidental) kindness on his part to have done that. Seeing him interact with our friends might upset me.

[radiodarcy]

all my "social network" breakups have involved them deleting me, and then deleting all of my friends from their lists as well. breaking up does entail being OUT of each others' lives, so don't half-ass it and leave loose strings.

 

so true! when my brother and his gf broke up she and her sister deleted me from their fb. at first i was mildly offended. but now that i'm going through my own break up i understand completely. it's just best to cut all ties -- third party and otherwise.

[EyesWideOpen]

while you're at it, delete your "mutual" friends. if they were not your friends to begin with, they aren't "mutual". i don't believe ex's should be interacting with "your" friends on a regular basis, facebook or not.

 

breaking up does entail being OUT of each others' lives, so don't half-ass it and leave loose strings.

 

I disagree completely with this statement. That may be all fine and dandy if you tent to make superficial friendships, or haven't established close friendships with the same people. But let me offer my situation as the counter-argument to the stance that you can't have mutual friends and that you have to be out of each others' lives when breaking up.

 

I have had friendships that were established in highschool. (hate to date myself...but this was over a decade ago). These people were good friends with both me (from school) and him (from work), and it was through these mutual friends that my ex and I even met.

We married. Stayed married for a number of years, and maintained these very close and strong friendships (again, that existed independently for both of us BEFORE we got together) during that time frame.

 

 

Years go by, the marriage slowly but surely falls apart and it's time to split. Enter the problems with your viewpoint.

 

Are you telling me that I'm supposed to cut off ties with close friends that I have had for 10+ years because the relationship failed? That's bullsh*t. I think losing friends of that length and calibur would be worst than the divorce (which in and of itself sucks to begin with).

 

On the flip side, do you think it's fair for me to impose an expectation on these friends to cut off ties with my ex - essentially telling these friends to choose who they like more? I disagree. There is literally NO good that can come from this.

 

Similarly, because we run with the same pack so to say...it is inevitable that I will find myself face to face with my ex in social situations. H*ll, I've found myself in social situations with not only the ex there...but my BF and his GF all in the same room. Awkward for us? Yes.

Does it have to be weird for our friends? Only if we make it so...which really comes down to whether we value the friendships, or whether we want to be petty.

 

 

And this is just one example. I've heard many different versions (varying in length of friendships, who was friends first, blah blah balh) of the same story.

It's not always as cut and dry as break all contact and ditch mutual friends.

[J0N]

I tried to just not go on FB for a while, this lasted 7 weeks without going on so much as once. I always knew that that the first thing I was going to do once I logged back on was check her profile so one night I poured my self a couple very stiff drinks sat down at my computer, logged in for 'one last look.' I spent maybe 30 minutes looking at her profile (we were still friends on FB), going through pictures of us, looking at new ones of her, etc. (thank god there weren't any new guys). Then I sent her an email saying very simply that I am cutting her out of my life, I wish her the best, and to please not contact me anymore unless it is an emergency. After I did that I blocked her and her entire family, and all of the friends I had through her that she communicates with regularly. Some of our friends we had met mutually I also hid their updates and posts, and put them on limited profile. I then blocked her on my gmail chat, LinkedIn, everything.

 

I guess you could say that I through the kitchen sink at it.

 

Guess what? I haven't seen or herd from her since the break. Also, don't take that one last look, that really set me back for a long time.

[flitzanu]

I disagree completely with this statement. That may be all fine and dandy if you tent to make superficial friendships, or haven't established close friendships with the same people. But let me offer my situation as the counter-argument to the stance that you can't have mutual friends and that you have to be out of each others' lives when breaking up.

 

I have had friendships that were established in highschool. (hate to date myself...but this was over a decade ago). These people were good friends with both me (from school) and him (from work), and it was through these mutual friends that my ex and I even met.

We married. Stayed married for a number of years, and maintained these very close and strong friendships (again, that existed independently for both of us BEFORE we got together) during that time frame.

 

 

Years go by, the marriage slowly but surely falls apart and it's time to split. Enter the problems with your viewpoint.

 

Are you telling me that I'm supposed to cut off ties with close friends that I have had for 10+ years because the relationship failed? That's bullsh*t. I think losing friends of that length and calibur would be worst than the divorce (which in and of itself sucks to begin with).

 

On the flip side, do you think it's fair for me to impose an expectation on these friends to cut off ties with my ex - essentially telling these friends to choose who they like more? I disagree. There is literally NO good that can come from this.

 

Similarly, because we run with the same pack so to say...it is inevitable that I will find myself face to face with my ex in social situations. H*ll, I've found myself in social situations with not only the ex there...but my BF and his GF all in the same room. Awkward for us? Yes.

Does it have to be weird for our friends? Only if we make it so...which really comes down to whether we value the friendships, or whether we want to be petty.

 

 

And this is just one example. I've heard many different versions (varying in length of friendships, who was friends first, blah blah balh) of the same story.

It's not always as cut and dry as break all contact and ditch mutual friends.

 

 

if they were your friends from high school, for over ten years, and obviously longer friends with YOU, why would it matter to them to be friends with your ex?

 

my point is simply that if someone dumps you and doesn't want you in their life anymore (the point of breaking up) then they shouldn't persist in trying to talk to YOUR friends.

 

as for if i make shallow friendships, no, but my close friends know the lines of loyalty and when it comes to MY peace of mind, they'd sooner stop talking to my EX than me.

 

if your friends refuse to give up one or the other, that would just seem a little weird.

 

the words aren't absolute rules, but if you want to be over someone, you can't have them in your life right away.

 

hell, i've sat at dinner with 3 exes, their currents and one ex of theirs, and my current. so yeah, there's nothing awkward about it if you don't WANT each other and don't care.

[EyesWideOpen]

if they were your friends from high school, for over ten years, and obviously longer friends with YOU, why would it matter to them to be friends with your ex?

 

Who said they were friends with me longer? They were friends with both he and I in highschool. I knew them from going to class with them in highschool. He knew them from working with them in highschool.

I have no idea who met whom first.

 

When you're talking about being friends with people for over a decade...the few months longer that you were friends with one is really insignificant. And I would think that in such a case, it's obvious why they would want to stay friends with both the ex and myself. We've all been friends with each other for a really long time.

 

 

my point is simply that if someone dumps you and doesn't want you in their life anymore (the point of breaking up) then they shouldn't persist in trying to talk to YOUR friends.

 

Since when are friendships and people possessions? That's along the same lines of saying "hey if you don't want me in your life anymore, then you can't talk to your kids". It's a person. Not an object or a pet. It's not your right to police who your friends may or may not have in their lives.

 

Granted, yes...if you don't want an ex in your life, by all means bow out of social situations where you will encounter him/her. Ask your friends not to talk about him/her to you, and expect that they respect this request. But don't make your breakup their breakup.

 

if your friends refuse to give up one or the other, that would just seem a little weird.

 

I would say that it's more weird to expect your friends to have to give up friends. That just seems immature.

 

I've made very good friends with a girl that one of my highschool friends dated. They broke up two years ago, yet I talk to and hang out with both of them. They both know I'm still friends with the other, and they don't care. Why should they?

 

I obviously don't talk about them to each other (good or bad) because...well...that would just be kind of insensitive, wouldn't it? Likewise, I don't invite them to the same events because I know they're not comfortable around each other. So neither of them have a basis for complaint, as I am respectful to both of them and the situation.

 

 

if you want to be over someone, you can't have them in your life right away.

 

I agree. But that doesn't go so far as to extend an ultimatum on friendships...as long as your friend isn't badmouthing you to the ex (or anybody, really, since that's decidedly not friend-like) and is respecting your wishes for distance from the other person, then there's no reason to draw a line in the sand.

Edited April 5, 2011 by EyesWideOpen

[flitzanu]

Who said they were friends with me longer? They were friends with both he and I in highschool. I knew them from going to class with them in highschool. He knew them from working with them in highschool.

I have no idea who met whom first.

 

When you're talking about being friends with people for over a decade...the few months longer that you were friends with one is really insignificant. And I would think that in such a case, it's obvious why they would want to stay friends with both the ex and myself. We've all been friends with each other for a really long time.

 

 

 

 

Since when are friendships and people possessions? That's along the same lines of saying "hey if you don't want me in your life anymore, then you can't talk to your kids". It's a person. Not an object or a pet. It's not your right to police who your friends may or may not have in their lives.

 

Granted, yes...if you don't want an ex in your life, by all means bow out of social situations where you will encounter him/her. Ask your friends not to talk about him/her to you, and expect that they respect this request. But don't make your breakup their breakup.

 

 

 

I would say that it's more weird to expect your friends to have to give up friends. That just seems immature.

 

I've made very good friends with a girl that one of my highschool friends dated. They broke up two years ago, yet I talk to and hang out with both of them. They both know I'm still friends with the other, and they don't care. Why should they?

 

I obviously don't talk about them to each other (good or bad) because...well...that would just be kind of insensitive, wouldn't it? Likewise, I don't invite them to the same events because I know they're not comfortable around each other. So neither of them have a basis for complaint, as I am respectful to both of them and the situation.

 

 

 

 

I agree. But that doesn't go so far as to extend an ultimatum on friendships...as long as your friend isn't badmouthing you to the ex (or anybody, really, since that's decidedly not friend-like) and is respecting your wishes for distance from the other person, then there's no reason to draw a line in the sand.

 

you have an interesting perspective, it just seems you and i have a different view on "social courtesy" with breakups.

 

no, friends aren't possessions. however, thinking just because your partner's friends decide to like you while you are dating means that they have any reason to stay your friend just isn't realistic. that and it can certainly make them uncomfortable for you to try and stick around if THEIR friend dumps you. but again, your views, my views...

 

my ex gf did me wrong. very wrong. and still is. if my friends TRULY are seeking out HER friendship, you're absolutely right i have no place to tell them they can't be friends with her, the correct approach is i'll distance myself from that friend. simple as that.

 

why walk away from a friend? is it a superficial friendship? no. but i'm not above losing a friend to do what's best for me. a real friend will be around when things clear anyway. and honestly it's nearing that point with my own situation. i'm not going to force her out, and i'm not going to force my own friends out, therefore the denominator in the equation is that i walk away.

[patriciagrey]

Marigo I feel your pain. I've read your past entries and i am now going through what you went through. The fear of him going back to his exwife is unbearable. All of my love was with him, every decision was made with him in mind. At one point we thought we were going to get married. Marigo I think i need your help and advice, we are both around the same age and have the same feelings. Perhaps we can help each other overcome this and dissect our pain into manageable pieces. I would be so open to a conversation!

[neverendingdrama]

Took him off as a friend because every new person I added, ( mostly old high school friends ) , if it was a man , there was a million questions.

 

Also had an ex on there who was still a good friend ( probably more so than ever boyfriend material) and he hated him for no reason - except he was extremely good looking. He convinced me into dumping him off in an effort to cut off contact.

 

After the break up I never blocked him. I have checked his once , just friends list , only to find the girl he started seeing and lied to is now his friend again. Guess she fell back into his trap. I am sure he checks mine and I don't care. I added back my hot ex bf .

 

If your ex starts sending messages to your friends , I would block them.

If not , who cares. Put some great profile pics with a huge smile on and start living life

[djhall]

I must be really strange then... I'm FB friends with most and RL friends with every single one of my exes, even ones I dated twenty years ago. I'm not quite sure why we wouldn't want to be, after all, we liked each other enough to date and have sex, right? Why should that change just because we are going our separate ways?

[Good Arms]

I suppose it all depends on the circumstances, but I do find it strange indeed that you can be friends with all your exes. Being on amicable terms is one thing, but friends? Surely all those relationships didn't end with a mutual agreement of "this isn't working out"?

 

Unless that's the case, in simplistic terms one partner is going to have a broken heart, and in that state I really don't see how any dumpee can remain friends and happily watch their ex move on and date other people, unless they enjoy having a knife twisted in their heart.

 

I can imagine it's easy for the dumper to want to remain friends. Were you the dumper with your 'friend' exes?

[heartbroken555]

when she dumped me 3 month ago, she deleted me from her fb and changed her status to single, and made sure i saw it ( changed her privacy info )

Then a month later she had some pics of her in a bikini, with a guy holding her, and that was enough for me to block her. in our last conversation i told her that i blocked her on fb and msn because i want to move on and not look back. Some people told me i shouldnt have done that since i look like i still care, and that im hurt, but honestly i dont care what she thinks. YES I AM HURT, AND YES I WANT TO FORGET HER!!!!

[TazoCoffee]

when she dumped me 3 month ago, she deleted me from her fb and changed her status to single, and made sure i saw it ( changed her privacy info )

Then a month later she had some pics of her in a bikini, with a guy holding her, and that was enough for me to block her. in our last conversation i told her that i blocked her on fb and msn because i want to move on and not look back. Some people told me i shouldnt have done that since i look like i still care, and that im hurt, but honestly i dont care what she thinks. YES I AM HURT, AND YES I WANT TO FORGET HER!!!!

 

:/ sorry to hear.. when my ex dumped me, I DELETED him off and deactivated my facebook for a little bit. He was offended and thought i blocked him off facebook (but when i did come back, i did block him for one month). He had the guts to tell me to unblock on what was "suppose" to be our 1 year anniversity... how cruel of him to even say that... what a dick

 

whats ironic is the night (the night before what was suppose to be our 1 year) is that i received a text from who i thought was a friend saying that i think your ex has feelings for me and they went on a date (this was within a week of our breakup!). HOW devastating do you think i was?!?!? i hit rock bottom the next day. -.- i felt really betrayed b/c couple of days before i told her about the break up and how i felt about him... she knew clearly how much i still liked him.. i never been so disappointed in my whole life. (THIS all happened within a week of the breakup). honestly, i dont think i would have been that hurt if it was some other random girl that i didnt know. but she knew about us, and the breakup and everythng. she knew how i felt about him and the breakup.. but she still had the guts to tell me that "if she was me, i would wanna know too" and whats funny is she told me that she "hopes" i understand!!!!!!

Edited May 2, 2011 by TazoCoffee

[Kristie16]

I didn't block for the first week and a half after he broke up with me. I didn't want to look like I was being petty or anything. Plus, I wanted to keep tabs on him, and he didn't update/add pictures that often when we were together. Well, that week and a half after our break up saw the most activity in a year on his facebook. And it wasn't just him. People were tagging him in photos and he was all over. I finally realized I couldn't take it. I thought his profile was public, so even defriending him, I could still see it. So I blocked him. (Also helped from seeing his comments on mutual friends pages.)

I was weak one time and attempted to look him up on my mom's, thinking it was public. I discovered he's made it private. Last Friday I looked using a mutual friend's log in. I actually wasn't too surprised or hurt. Of course he's posting all the time about how great his life is, but I also saw that a few days after I blocked him, he joined twitter. I'm on twitter and he knew that (and have to be for my job). My tweets were public but I've since made them private. Bad thing is that now I know he's on twitter....

[djhall]

I suppose it all depends on the circumstances, but I do find it strange indeed that you can be friends with all your exes. Being on amicable terms is one thing, but friends? Surely all those relationships didn't end with a mutual agreement of "this isn't working out"?

 

Unless that's the case, in simplistic terms one partner is going to have a broken heart, and in that state I really don't see how any dumpee can remain friends and happily watch their ex move on and date other people, unless they enjoy having a knife twisted in their heart.

 

I can imagine it's easy for the dumper to want to remain friends. Were you the dumper with your 'friend' exes?

I'm not sure if this was directed at be or the OP, but I figured I'd answer anyway just in case...

 

Well, for example, one girlfriend was sixteen/seventeen when I graduated and decided to move out of state for a college program and her parents actually agreed to let her move with me. Ultimately, she wasn't ready to work and finish high school and leave behind all her family and friends, and a few months later she decided to move back home for her senior year. I don't fault her for that and she doesn't fault me, so why shouldn't we be friendly.

 

In my late twenties I had a live together girlfriend who knew I wasn't sure about getting married but I definitely wasn't going to have kids. She thought she might want kids, but figured she wouldn't mind not having kids if I didn't want any. I figured she would change her mind when she got older. A few years later the desire for a wedding, kids, etc. started getting stronger and she knew she wasn't going to get that with me so she left. Should I be hurt at her for wanting those things as she got older? Should she hate me because I was who I'd always been and always said I was? Of course not. She met a nice guy who married her and had kids and we stay friends and I'm happy for her.

 

I could go on, but I think you get the idea. Maybe my relationships have just ended exceptionally well or something.

[dragonfly22]

My ex changed his relationship status to "single" after I had already done it (he dumped me) and he also left a profile picture of us for a few days before changing it. However he did leave all the pictures of us and even the last thing i posted on his wall before he broke up with me which was a song that he dedicated to me a few years ago and and an "i love you". He kept using facebook and commenting on other people's walls.

 

Then about 2 weeks after the breakup I decided to change my profile picture to a very flattering picture of myself. I have to be honest, after he told me he wasn't even attracted to me anymore I kind of needed some positive feedback. So I uploaded the picture and got lots of compliments, including my ex exboyfriend (the one before the current) saying "wow, you are GORGEOUS". Well, next thing I knew my ex completely deleted his facebook account. No, he didn't block me. He deleted it permanently. Some mutual friends confirmed it. I can't say it was because of this, but it is an interesting coincidence. I guess I want to think he felt a little jealous when he saw some other guys might find me attractive even if he doesn't anymore. It doesn't mean he is coming back though...

[Good Arms]

I'm not sure if this was directed at be or the OP, but I figured I'd answer anyway just in case...

 

My question was for you. Didn't intend to come over as harsh or anything, was just curious how you managed to stay friends with all your exes, and how you don't even question wanting to remain friends. I think you can see you're in a minority from the common wisdom on the matter. A lucky minority I guess, as I'd love to be that comfortable with just being friends, as by default that would I've already moved on from the sense of loss.

 

It almost sounds like a view of someone who's never experienced heartbreak, though I'm sure there was sadness at those relationships ending even if there were outside/circumstance pressures bringing them to an end, so it wasn't so much a rejection of YOU. They sound more like mutual decisions, so it's understandable that maintaining a friendship is easier and natural in such cases.

 

Technically I ended on friendly terms with my ex, we actually hugged after the break up talk (aka her dumping me), but I can't be friends even if the logical part of me can accept we simply weren't right for each other. I felt she gave up on us too soon when I was still building confidence, but that's her decision and her right if she wasn't happy. But I was ultimately rejected and hurt over confidence/relationship inexperience issues I had no control over, and some things she said really hurt my self esteem.

 

She dropped me and moved on to someone else within weeks. I know compared to others it was a relatively normal breakup where she at least had the courtesy to talk in person, no cheating involved etc. But it hurts like hell to learn any little thing about her life now she's with someone else, so why on earth would I want to torture myself like that by being friends and hearing all about it? In this case it would only be easy/tolerable on HER part to maintain an active friendship... so better to keep my distance. It's nothing to do with hate, just trying to move on.

 

I think that's the view of a lot of people, and why they can't be friends... not at the very least until they've moved on (which probably means finding someone else to be honest), any feelings that exceed friendship have gone and a lot of time has passed.

[Good Arms]

when my ex dumped me, I DELETED him off and deactivated my facebook for a little bit. He was offended and thought i blocked him off facebook (but when i did come back, i did block him for one month). He had the guts to tell me to unblock on what was "suppose" to be our 1 year anniversity... how cruel of him to even say that... what a dick

 

You're right, glad you can see he was a dick. For a dumper to take offence at being blocked, then demand you unblock it... unbelievable! I'm mad just reading it. You're way better off without someone like that. And then your 'friend' telling you about going on a date with your ex... that's way beyond insensitive! Hope she's your ex-friend now. They sound about right for each other, selfish and unfeeling. A shame someone decent like you has to suffer so much pain finding out the truth.

[TazoCoffee]

You're right, glad you can see he was a dick. For a dumper to take offence at being blocked, then demand you unblock it... unbelievable! I'm mad just reading it. You're way better off without someone like that. And then your 'friend' telling you about going on a date with your ex... that's way beyond insensitive! Hope she's your ex-friend now. They sound about right for each other, selfish and unfeeling. A shame someone decent like you has to suffer so much pain finding out the truth.

 

yah they do sound great for each other now that you mention it. and honestly, i wouldn't be so shocked if they end up being bf and gf soon (or if this alrdy happened). Honestly, its okay with me. Even though he dumped me, i see it as this. Its like she got my leftover. LOL I mean he was alrdy used up and everything and she wanted left over pieces of my trash.. :]

 

When she told me this, i just didnt react mad or anything and just said okay and i just need time to think about this. She also told me that she hopes this wouldn't "question" our friendship over a guy. haha i forgot to mention that couple of days later, she just deletes me off facebook, lol i guess she felt guilty about something. lol honestly, i dont need people like him or her in my life. and plus, I DONT NEED THAT DRAMA. it was way too much drama. glad its over.

 

and thanks, it sucks alot of decent people have to suffer.. on the bright side, at least i'm free from that guy and can finally think clearly about the relationship and him without being blind about it.

Edited May 4, 2011 by TazoCoffee

[heartnsol]

I must be really strange then... I'm FB friends with most and RL friends with every single one of my exes, even ones I dated twenty years ago. I'm not quite sure why we wouldn't want to be, after all, we liked each other enough to date and have sex, right? Why should that change just because we are going our separate ways?

 

I'm sure you haven't been cheated on then.

[djhall]

I'm sure you haven't been cheated on then.

Only once.. I found out my first girlfriend had cheated on me and a lot of other people knew about it. I was pretty hurt and we broke up and her best friend thought that was pretty crappy and ended up "comforting me" so to speak. We eventually reconcilled and got back together, but I know that was nothing compared to the kinds of deception involved in an ongoing affair and the relationship was nothing like a mature marriage.

[ccfan]

1. eliminated her from the news feed, that didn´t do it for me so...

 

2. deleted her family and her friends to avoid accidentally seeing her pics, but that still didn´t do it...

 

3. deleted her... then, blocked her.

 

This happened in the course of two months... looking in retrospective, i would have saved A LOT of unnecesary pain by deleting and blooking her and her friends right away without being so politically correct, lesson learned.

 

By the way, I also eliminated her from blackberry messenger, twitter and whatever imaginable form of contact available... feel much better

[TragicAlliance]

I so need to delete and/or block my ex on Facebook. And then change my page to Friends Only or something. Lately, whenever he posts a comment on my page I just want to delete it. And now he's posting photos that make me upset and jealous, and he's chatting up the girl who has a crush on him.

 

Sigh. I wish I'd get irrationally mad enough to get rid of this drama. It's driving me insane.

[Good Arms]

1. eliminated her from the news feed, that didn´t do it for me so...

 

2. deleted her family and her friends to avoid accidentally seeing her pics, but that still didn´t do it...

 

3. deleted her... then, blocked her.

 

This happened in the course of two months... looking in retrospective, i would have saved A LOT of unnecesary pain by deleting and blooking her and her friends right away without being so politically correct, lesson learned.

 

This was pretty much what happened with me too, over the course of a month and a bit. Until I blocked, it was never enough, and I relapsed to seek out information, causing further pain of course. Now, as a dumpee, I know too - it's best to block right away, even block THEIR friends if you're going to be tempted to snoop other profiles for clues. Nothing else will do than blocking your ex in such cases, there's no need to be Facebook friends if you're not comfortable being 'real' friends and hearing all about their lives without you. It's a meaningless online connection that will only cause pain.

[ccfan]

This was pretty much what happened with me too, over the course of a month and a bit. Until I blocked, it was never enough, and I relapsed to seek out information, causing further pain of course. Now, as a dumpee, I know too - it's best to block right away, even block THEIR friends if you're going to be tempted to snoop other profiles for clues. Nothing else will do than blocking your ex in such cases, there's no need to be Facebook friends if you're not comfortable being 'real' friends and hearing all about their lives without you. It's a meaningless online connection that will only cause pain.

 

Hello there Good Arms,

 

Exactly, i cannot agree more with your last sentence... in my case i tried to mantain a "balance" and not eliminate her family and friends... BIG mistake, as pictures of her would leak one way or another in my facebook of them having what appeared to be a great time (people always pretend to be better than they are in FB anyways)... so yes, one day after much, much pain i erased them all and blocked her.

 

Like you said if they dumped us, if they don´t want to be in our lives, we need to give them the gift of our total absence

 

Only good thing is that we learned the lesson to block right away for next time

Edited May 4, 2011 by ccfan