LS I desperately need ur help again. How can I heal? When will he get out my head?

[newcommer]

GET HIM OUT OF MY HEAD!!!! I KNOW IT IS OVER, I KNOW HE DOES NOT LOVE ME AND FRANLKLY I DON'T LOVE HIM. SO WHAT IS WRONG. HE IS NOT THAT GREAT. I KNOW I AM MAKING MORE TO THIS THAN THERE IS BECAUSE WE ONLY DATED FOR ONE YEAR. SO WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME THAT I ALLOW HIM SO MUH SPACE IN MY HEAD. HOW DO I GET HIM OUT OF MY EVERY WAKING THOUGHT. I am dealing with too much. You guys must help me. I am not doing things wisely. Mike is still in my life and he is still giving me tid bits of hope, promising me things he knows I want. I thought he wanted me gone, he only wants me stronger and less needy and not to look to him for what I am coming to love shack for (help healing). He wants that Bitch he met last summer who wanted nothing to do with him so he can chase after her and not feel I am going to want commitment or a “Relationship”. You see he pursued me and wanted me to consider a relationship but never wanted one and it is not until I get hurt months later that I see this. Help! Help me heal!! Look, I have been to a therapist a short while ago and I even went in the past. They never help me. they always say I know the answers to my problems. I went behind my parents back because I have a family that is against therapy. I really am serious, no matter what I say, therapist see nothing wrong and only suggest that I get drugs to calm me down. I have been before and you know I went last time.

You guys can’t give up on me, you must try and reach me again. Please, maybe this time I can hear you. Write me and tell me what a Fu***king moron I am. Tell me how you don’t know how someone so stupid got multiple degrees when it is clear she is multiple MORONIC. TELL ME HOW SIMPLE MINDED I AM AND HOW MY POST ARE NOT EVEN WORTH BEING PUT ON THIS SITE. Do anything to hurt me, to convince me that I have to quickly change because I am not normal. Say it so it can’t be more painful. Because I am so sick and tired of the kindness and the many people in my life telling me I am okay. I am clearly not. I clearly am not okay. I know this. I know I am not normal. I don’t know how the hell I got through three majors and I damn sure don’t understand why any school would give me awards for my teaching. My students all are more strong, more tough than me. More made of all the things I am not. i can’t take this anymore. I am so tired of pretending i am strong. SO tired of feeling I do not deserve some sort of “LIFE”. What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I every mans friend. Why????? Why does every man pull away from me and become my friend?

 

I spoke to Mike tonight. He and I were having a nice conversation. He said he did not call me today because he was in pajamas all day and had a headache. This is a typical excuse I heard many of times from many a man. I said, “Who were you in pajamas with.” He said, “I don't want a woman, I am not cheating and I really don’t have room in my life for a woman. I was alone with my kids. I am a loner. I was alone. If I were not a loner I would be with you.” He says I put my heart on a speed boat. That I gave him my heart too fast and he was not ready for that. That just drove me to my breaking point and I screamed at him (which I never do) I told him he put his self on me. I reminded him that: I told him when we met, I do not want to park in his driveway. He insisted I did. I told him we could meet at a store front, it is not good for his kids to see my car. He said, “I have a house, I have a drive way, park there”. I was so afraid and each time I parked there I told him I did not feel it was right. He gave me his home phone an his cell phone. I did not want to use his home phone. I felt his kids should not hear me calling. He insisted I use both phones. I felt uncomfortable and always called his cell and he was offended. i just did not want to get oo close to him. When something serious occurred he showed me his divorce papers and the deeds to all his properties. i did not want this information and protested. He insisted I see it. He tried everything to make me less of a loner and he wanted to include me in his life. Now he has pulled away and says, “I am a loner”. He was not a “loner when we met. He wanted all of my time and was upset I was so mush of a loner. Now he is saying, “We can be half loners together. You can go back to being a loner and I can be a loner and we can hang out from time to time.” How do I avoid this next time Love Shack writers? I just slowly trusted him and slowly gave him all of my trust. I unleashed all my past pain and allowed him to show me things I never knew. I feel so Manipulated, so unclean, so absolutely 100% like a desperate LOSER.

 

It looks as if I am worst than the day I came to Love Shack. I really believe that I am at a point in my life where I will probably never have a healthy relationship because I have nothing but grief to define me as a person. WHY COULD I NOT SIMPLY ACCEPT THE FACT THAT HE WANTED MY FRIENDSHIP AND WANTED TO BE A LOVER? WHY COULD I NOT ACCEPT THAT HE DID NOT PULL AWAY COMPLETELY AND THERE WAS SOMETHING ABOUT ME HE WANTED TO BE NEAR? Why did I have to push for what I thought we had. Who the hell am I? What is wrong with me? Had I just sat back and been patient maybe I could have gotten him back but nobody can get back someone they love if they act the fool and do desperate and immature moves.

 

 

I have truly destroyed all chances of winning his heart. I did this by being desperate, needy, a basket case and so very pathetic. This man will only see me as Pitiable. He will never see me as a woman whom he can count on. Hell who wants me with tears in my eyes, snot on my nose and a bleeding heart. What type of woman low rates herself this way. And let’s get rasict about this for a moment. What can this older white man possibly think of this young black woman who begs for his attention? My parents must really be loving this . They told me the day they met him, he only sees some black peice of ass. Your nothing but a N***ger B***tch whore. Then they asked their white friends to confirm this and they did, so that I would not think they were being racist. They each said, “He will leave you. He will never love you. A man like that is only after one thing. They want to conquer a black woman and ...” Why did I not see what they saw? Why did I chose to feel they were just being horrible? I think i am beyond repairing this situation.Things are not working out. I truly am so pathetic and so embarrassing and so very, very very weak. I am worst than ever, more pathetic. Help me, Help. Help me never to call him even though that is all I wish to do.

 

Okay I admit after all the battles, Mike and I got together. God for what less than three hours. He was all over me (hugging, kissing). I resisted, but not for long. We talked. But you know how I feel for him. You know. We pulled over into an abandoned parking lot and he began touching me and caressing me and just hugging me and kissing me.

 

Then no phone calls. I called him, he was sweet and kind and....Help me. Help let go. He does not want me and I want this relationship back to where it was. How on earth do I let go??? Is there no solution what so ever to helping me stop my urges to call him? No solution what so ever to accepting that he is gone. No solution to being Kind to him when he calls and as friendly as he is to me.

 

 

 

If I do not stop this I will go crazy. How do I become normal? What do I have to tell myself? What is wrong with me?

[moimeme]

You yourself said that you shun friends. However, humans are built to bond. This guy is almost all you've got and you've invested virtually all of your emotional eggs in his basket. Of course you're stuck on him - in absence of anybody else, he's all you have.

 

I suggest you immediately alter your 'no friends' policy and find other people with whom to socialize and with whom to become emotionally involved. Then you won't rush at him, tail awag like an eager puppy, every time he turns up.

[newcommer]

I have done this. I actually have opened myself up and made many friends, but all of them are older women with kids and lives and it is not as if we can hang out. Nobody really has such opportunities. New york is a busy place as you know and eeryone is struggling to keep food on the table with gass hikes and high rent. The cheapest house in New York is $300,000 and the lowest rent for a one bed room is $800. It gets so hard to lean on people. I feel like It is not fair. My bestfriend and I are talking again, but I dont want to lean on her, because half the reason why we stopped talking is because she did not approve of Mike and said the moment she met him that he was trash and a game player. So the last theing she wants to hear is how he broke my heart after she told me he does not have my best interest. My ex warned me over and over that Mike was going to hurt me and that he could not keep up going out and hanging out.

 

 

I am posting this because I am very disraught tonight and I am shocked I have not burst open with all this pain. I guess his coming back into my life was more than I could handle. He said he wanted to fix things and make them right, I just know he is not doing a thing to make anything right. I should sleep. I just am hurting so much and it's the guilt of not being fair and telling him all that I did after he tried so hard to be a bit of what I wanted. It is also the knowledge that he is nothing i want anymore. I did not even feel any love for him the other night.

He is not worth this. He is so not worth this torture I am going through. I only wish ....God Anji what have I done with my life? Am I so pathetic? Is this me? Winning, pathetic stupid, loser???? I told him, I told him tonight, he makes me angry. Tonight I ripped into him, even though he just kissed me and hugged me Thursday and loved me in his way. Man why did I do that to him????

 

Why did I take his gift of keeping me apart of his life and in the picture and throw it all away? What made me so ungrateful for his desire to meet my demands a bit that I broke down and made it so he does not even feel save talking to me or saying one word because I will use that and blow it out of proportion? What is wrong with me? What is wrong with me????? Why could I not be satisfied?

Why did I not just hold onto that knowledge and think (Ha hahahahahh I am moving on and your not hindering me)? I just got tenure and I am not getting fired like so many other employees have just last week. Why could I not hold onto that knowledge and think in my head as I smiled in his face "Ha ha, I am secure and my future is set without you"? Why did I have to let him know how much he was crushing me and how terribly I was wounded in and out and all around? What made me do that. All day men told me I never met how beautiful I was. My masseuse who never speaks to me was hitting on me and said, "You have no idea how beautiful you are." Why could I not baste in the compliments and think to myself, "Your loss Mike"? What is wrong with me?

[moimeme]

You have to decide to put this man out of your life once and for all. Do NOT accept calls, emails, flowers, or anything else. If your friends thought he was a bad deal, they likely were seeing him clearly and not through a fog of infatuation/lust.

 

This is not love. It's addiction. There are books about being addicted to love. I expect there's even some in your school's library. I suggest you read as many as you can. Love is only anguished in cheesy romance novels and movies. In real life, love should be nurturing, not destructive.

 

Do not allow this man to contact you again. Like any addiction, you need to undergo withdrawal. The more 'hits' you go back for, the longer it will take to get over him.

[newcommer]

First, thank you for staying up and writing to me. Tonight your all I have and without your words, I think I would go mad. Truthfully it's a blessing to have a computer because without this connection, I think I would truly have a heart attack tonight. That is not being unrealistic either. The pain is overwhelming and what for? As you stated, I am over dramatizing, for I know he will contact me again, but I chose to cry because I am so pathetic and know it. I fooed myself into thinking I was strong. fooled myself going for a massage, a facial and getting my hair done today. Going to a dating service and getting happy to start life over. My ex, G, alling me and letting me know he supports me. I should have been happy, but instead I picked a fight with Mike and showed him he can't communicate with me without me getting upset. So I stay here hurting because I realize I messed any chance I had of winning him back up with that tactic.

 

I think I clearly see without any doubt what your saying. I agree 100% with you. Can you only tell me how do I tell myself he is not good for me and I must let go of everything with no regret? I know I can say if he cared, he would eliminate the pain, but I can't help feel he is only a man and since he is the cause of the pain he can't be friend and healer. I tell myself he can't undo what he needs to do and he is trying to make things easier for me by being as kind as he can. But i make it difficult by ....So can you tell me how to tell myself this situation is not right.

 

I know there is something about me that will accept abuse before I accept love. It was harder for me to accept his tenderness than to stand by him while he rejects me but keeps me hanging. As he told me tonight, he does not want me to let go or give up on us, just "Chill". I agree I related best to The Phantom of the Opera, Wuthering Heights, and all those love stories that were odd and even painful. I can read them over and over. I am the biggest fan of Ann Rice and none of her characters keeps love and all hurt. I admit I read every vampire chronicle. I don't do well with Snow White and other fairy tale endings.

 

I did not feel nearly this strongly about Mike until December when i finally gave him my heart. I gave him my heart when I knew he was tired of me or I felt he was dispite what he said. But in reality, I always wanted to break up with him and told him time and time again way back in October. I must have tried to break u with him 5 or 6 times, but he did not want it and charmed me each time into staying (STAYING INTO WHAT? HE SAYS NOW WE NEVER WERE A COUPLE AND I GAVE MY HEART TOO EASILY). I did not even buy him a Christmas present until the last minute which is so unlike me. My heart was not in it. I did not feel love for him and so I could not buy him the present.

 

It was so hard for me to accept all those months of his kindness. Now when he distances me and cuts me off and walks away, I say, "I love you" Now, when everything is painful and I am being rejected and told, "I am not rejecting you" I seem to keep going back for blow after blow. Making myself look like a LOSER for what??? A man I did not love until he totally seemed to be tired of me. Prior to that I kept feeling we should split up?

 

I know my problems don't compare to others on this site and in the world. I know my life is a blessing and I know I have what many would love to have. My ex tells me all the time (not Mike), that people are dying and starving and have all sorts of horrible situations and my life is so full. He tells me he can't related to my problems that are self-created. But do you know I would give up all my money, some of my health (I would go back to the wheel chair), all my treasures, to stop being the lonely rich woman who can't find happiness and peace within. I think people see me and have no idea how all that they see is a coverup. Inside of my body, my heart, it just is never content with me. I think I hurt because I wish so much I could find peace and happiness with someone without always messing up. I may not have others issues, but it affects me so bad my hair has fallen out, I am wearing a weave because I was so stressed it just came out as I grabbed it a month ago. I am so stressed I lost 20 pounds and continue to lose weight when I am not dieting. So stressed, I can not finish my exams and stopped my education unable to concentrate. I can not focus on important work and sit in classes.

[overseas2004]

If I remember correctly this is the unemployed loner who has kids who are out of control?

 

You really have nothing to be looking for there anymore. You have already seen what he has done with his kids and how he raised them. What is there to look for in a man who can be that unfair to his own flesh and blood?

 

Cmon.... there are so many wonderful people out there that are ready to offer so much to a real relationship.

 

You really need to get yourself into some counselling badly. Hurry up and do that and get healthy. This man is no good for you.

 

We have been through this. Once you get him out of your life you will feel much much better. You make the move to do that.

[newcommer]

I thought I was better. I honestly thought the worst had by passed me. I was starting to eat and laugh and even started to notice I looked good.

[jmargel]

Like moi said, you need to stop contact with him. He seems to have been your only male friend or partner as you may call it. All your other friends are female. So naturally you are going to have a bond with him. This isn't your fault, no matter what you would've said or done, the outcome would be the same. If it was a different woman as well, he would have done the same thing.

 

Don't you see that his mental problems are now affecting you? This is where you stop, draw the line and walk back the other way. You've tried helping him SO much that you put your life on hold, and now it's taking you a step back and falling into HIS world. The reason why this is happening is because of the statement I said in the first paragraph, plus you seem to have a genuine big heart. As for him seeing you as those nasty things you typed, I can't say for sure, since I don't know the guy. If your friends said this, take it with a grain of salt unless they, themselves know him personally.

 

You can't help everyone in this world, and you don't get any bonus points in heaven when you die by staying with this guy, trying to fix what's broken with him, etc.. He is treating you like he's been treating everything else in his life. That is with little regard to how the other person feels. He's a very selfish individual and only he can discover that within' himself.

 

You need to let the five stages of grief happen, which I'll put here at the end of this post. In order to do that you need to have closure with him and then stop contact. Become the victor here, walk with your chin held high knowing you are the bigger person in this. One day he'll realize that his life has become meaningless because of his ways. Nothing you or anyone else can do to make him realize this until he's ready to.

 

You may not experience these stages in one fluid order. You may go through some of the stages more than once. Sometimes an event will trigger you to experience one of these stages again. For instance, cleaning out the basement and finding an old shirt of your deceased spouse or hearing your ex-partner is to remarry might cause reoccurrence of certain stages. The five stages of grief are:

 

1. Denial – The "No, not me" stage.

 

This stage is filled with disbelief and denial. If your partner has died you still expect him to walk through the door. If your partner has asked for a break-up you think that she will change her mind.

 

2.Anger/Resentment – The "Why me?" stage.

 

Anger at the situation, your partner and others are common. You are angry with the other person for causing the situation and for causing you pain. You might feel anger at your deceased partner for dying. You may feel anger at your partner for asking for a divorce and breaking up the family.

 

3. Bargaining – The "If I do this, you’ll do that" stage.

 

You try to negotiate to change the situation. If you’ve lost a spouse to death you might bargain with God, "I’ll be a better person if you’d just bring him back". You might approach your partner who is asking for the break-up and say "If you’ll stay I’ll change".

 

4. Depression- The "It's really happened" stage.

 

You realize the situation isn’t going to change. The death or break-up happened and there is nothing to bring the other person back. Acknowledgement of the situation often bring depression. This could be a quiet, withdrawn time as you soak in the situation.

 

5. Acceptance – The "This is what happened" stage.

 

Though you haven’t forgotten what happened you are able to begin to move forward.

 

Suggestions when you find yourself suddenly single

 

Avoid long term legal decisions. If you are in an emotional state its better to put off long term legal decisions until your thinking is less cloudy.

 

Drive carefully. It’s easy to become distracted when you are grieving so use care when you get behind the wheel.

 

Seek support for your kids and yourself. Your kids are grieving along with you and will need support. It might be wise at this point to have separate grief sessions apart from your children if you're experiencing anger and resentment.

 

Maintain rituals. The children most likely will feel insecure and abandoned at first. Maintaining the same patterns of holidays, birthdays, Saturday outings, etc. will give them a sense of normalcy and consistency.

 

Nurture yourself. You need to care for your spiritual, emotional and physical health. No one else will do it but you. Take care of yourself as well as you take care of your child. Eat healthy, exercise and take vitamins. Allow yourself to grieve and give yourself as much time as you need to adjust to what has happened.

[Arabess]

I'm always glad when you post this Jmargel....I think it is so helpful to the person.

 

If this particular poster, or anyone else who is facing thier first heartbreak, thinks that it isn't true....they will learn differently. There ARE stages involved and each must be faced.

 

The bottom line is....each will come and each will go. This doesn't last forever.

 

Newcommer,

All you can do is face each day and get thru it. It is a very painful and lonely time. Trying to constantly contact the other person in hopes of them fixing it....just doesn't seem to happen. It becomes a burden our own hearts have to carry and deal with.

 

Post, hang out with friends, try to keep your mid occupied, cry, scream....whatever it takes. The only comfort is.....it WILL PASS.

 

Many of us have been there and we've all survived it. The first 3 months really SUCK though.....LOL!

[jenny]

i am always surprised that your posts come from someone with such an ostensible education.

 

(clarity, woman! for the love of moses! though i know it is my own failing that makes me ask for it.)

 

but...overall, i think you are healing. at least you are no longer participating in inflated stories of his grandeur and your own, and coming to realize you can have stories outside of this small man and his small story.

 

good for you - and hang in there. know this takes time.

[meanon]

NC you see everyone here wishes you well, you post whenever you need to. You are taking the right steps, let us know how it goes. You'll be fine

[newcommer]

Jenny I posted my background intially so that people could know who i am and help. i wanted them to know I live with my parents, I was raped, I am in a Ph.D program, I dropped out recently due to Mike, etc... I did this to get help and I knew holding back information could lose me some advice I might really need.

 

I never replied to your PM because your perception is a fallacy. I resent your PM to me and did not feel like replying because I did not come on this site to argue. I happen to like the people here and value what they have to say. If I wanted to hear how unintelligent I seem i could sit in class and get a D or better yet contact my mother. Now you wish to post a reply sneaking in once again how you feel about my qualifications. You feel because one is intellectual that one should always present themselves a particular way. First of all, I am not coming here to write a report. This site is about information and healing not about ones IQ. If I am in anguish and I am hurting and I am crying as I am typing I highly doubt that one would expect my PM to be that easy to understand. If you had any idea what I am going through, I doubt you would expect me to tie my own shoes. Hell I lost $900 today I have been so absent minded and I was just lucky enough that the person returned it. i am having trouble eatting and sleeping and figuring out all of my troubles and you want me to validate for you who I am academically?

 

Education is what you make of it. My education bares little on my problems I am posting. I never understood how on earth I graduated with a triple major in Physics, pure math and British Literature. I never understood how I got my masters. i never understood how I made it through so many Ph.D requirements. But if you must know I repeated many a class. I struggled for all I have. i am a black woman who studied in areas few blacks graduate from. So whatever you may think of me, I am role model. I may not be one you approve of but I don’t need your approval. I fought hard to do something most Americans find hard and more foreigners study. So no matter what you may think of me, I did it. If I did it and I was the bottom of my class which I was, I did it. I was a student of the man taught by Eienstien. Professor C N Yang who has two Nobel prizes. What does that make me? Damn proud to have gotten a C in all of his classes. Damn proud to have graduated the bottom of my physics class. Education is about hard work and application. Most doctors and scientist can’t even write a coherent essay.

 

In my mind, I never felt like a woman until I met Mike. Always felt like a child. People always treated me as such. My education was my validation that I was not as dumb as I sounded or felt. Yet no matter what my whole life I struggled to accept me.

 

So it hurts me “not” that you feel my post are stupid or incoherent. I have had criticism throughout my education and even had professors try to get me out of special programs wishing they could and truly trying to take back my degrees. I literally had them fight to do so. But in the end I did it! I don't consider myself smart. I did not come on love shack to say I was smart, only to say that with all my education and all my wealth I can not find peace. My post of my education was to give others an idea of my struggle not to brag. So you can judge me, but remember as you post your criticisms as you have done also in a PM to me, that I am a teacher. Teaching eight years and am highly loved. I am dynamic and I receive many awards. But I am a teacher who is troubled. If I were not troubled then I would not come here for advice. If I were not troubled then I would have the confidence to be a Professor in a University. Life is but a stage and we are all players.

 

So you say, “i am always surprised that your posts come from someone with such an ostensible education” I did not come here about my education. i came here for help.

[befuddled11]

I have to admit, from the first time you posted, and announced quite openly that you *had* your PhD (not that you were still in the process of actually attaining it), I found a real inconsistency in your posts. You initially went on about what an educated woman you are...yet some of your posts contained atrocious spelling and horrible grammar, than some posts were much better. Color me silly but I guess I somehow expected such a scholarly individual to at least be able to spell the basic words correctly. Anyway, that's neither here nor there. I feel there's been a lot of inconsistencies and melodrama, but I'll leave it at that.

 

I do think you revel in playing the "victim"..whether it's about the men in your life who don't return your love, or those who question what you write here. Take control. Do like many people your age do, get out on your own and cut the apron strings with your parents, find your own way to get around when your car is in the shop, learn to be more independent -- whether it be surviving on your own or finding your own happiness sans a man. Revel in becoming empowered and strong and in control, not on being the victim.

[moimeme]

Let me remind you all, yet again, that BRILLIANT people, yes, with PhD's even, can have difficulties with expressive language. Thankfully, most universities have policies and assistance in place for students with these problems so they can succeed. And some students with these difficulties succeed on their own.

[Thinkalot]

Just remember, newcomer, you have support here...You'll get through this, and come out of it stronger. Hang in there. You'll be OK.

[moimeme]

Newcommer

 

Too late to add to my other post but don't let some people get to you. Everyone here has his or her own issues.

Keep posting; if some people don't like that you haven't written Dickensian prose, stuff 'em!

[jenny]

ok, fair enough. i apologize. if i can't read your posts, that's my problem.

 

you asked me for help through PM, but i find your writing to be a signifigant barrier to helping you, so i will simply not try. i just don't understand why more clarity is not possible, and i'm surprised that it is offensive to ask for it. but i am sorry that i offended.

[newcommer]

THIS IS MY LAST POST, IF YOU CAN'T READ IT, SORRY BUT I AM UPSET AND I REALLY DON'T HAVE THE PATIENTS TO WRITE CLEARLY.

 

Jenny, I accept your appology, and I understand how you feel. If you can't read my post then the problem is with me. I think it is time for me to sign off however. I need a break from this site and everything that is a reminder of how pathetic I have been acting. Maybe I can stop this ridiculous crying. You and buffuddled11 see me the way everyone eles in my life sees me and I think it is time for me to figure out why people see me so negatively.

 

I fit in well with people who are weird like me, but for those more together people I seem to be laughable in a bad way. I never care! But i care now that I always thought Mike was very together and very normal and he made me feel so normal. I for the first time in my life almost wanted to believe I was normal even though I proudly accepted I was not. I boasted I was, "Weird".

 

I will re-read all my post and see if I can understand why you both and I think others feel I am "Playing Victim" and my post are "Un-readable". I will even look to see if maybe there are signs in there of where I have messed up this relationship. Maybe if I figure that out I can see where i went wrong with Mike. I asked him. As i told you I even paid him $200 to tell me my faults and why I don't seem to be worth that extra effort. Maybe buffuddle's right. Maybe there are inconsitencies. i feared telling the truth. The truth being i paid him $2,000. How would anyone not think me crazy for saying I gave the man $2,000? Hell i told him I truly would give him that amount each week if he helped me to be a better person. So maybe I have lied. I afraid to admit I think i am not normal. Afraid to admit that leaves me in a bad place in this life.

 

I came to this site not for any other purpose than to heal. Clearly I am beyond healing because I am in the same position of not understanding. I truly am in no mood to argue with anyone on this site or to feel worst about myself. You have all been here longer than me. This is your site and I am just barging in trying to get help but I am not going to cause any tension amongst people who have been here helping others before I came. I got to get a life, off the computer and find a way to heal if that is possible. But I can't stay on this site right now. I will come back when things die down and I am stronger.

 

If you feel like thinking I am “playing” victim then you are clearly misreading my words and I am clearly miscommunicating. I am hurting like all hell and have no clue what on earth I did to diserve this. I can't imagine for the lie of me where I went wrong or how I lost such a big part of my happiness. I could have sworn Mike was my soul mate and I was so sure he loved me. Okay, I see now after going to see the therapist that te red flags were there when he asked me to meet his children and I was not ready. Then whn i was ready he did evreything to avoid it. I see now after seeing the therapist that Mike wnted what he could not get (me) and when he saw he had a chance he....But I just don’t get it. Why? I mean, I never once tried to hurt him. I never said Mike mistreated me so I am not playing victim. I only am saying why did he want to win me and leave? I am in such pain and having a hell of a time understanding or accepting he pulled away. I trusted someone after years of not trusting anyone. I trusted him more than Gary and Gary was/is my heart. I was with Gary for 9 years and in less than one year I believed in Mike as i believed in nobody else. i felt safe and I felt secure and i felt strong with him. I felt like a woman instead of a child. He showed me how to see myself as a woman and even to find my beauty that I could not find. For me, it is harder than anything i ever had to deal with. Harder than having cancer, harder than being in a wheel chair, harder than my studies. For me the betrayal, the lie, the clear manipulation is unacceptable! I can not accept this is him. I can’t force myself no matter how I write his faults, I can’t truly believe the things I write and know in my heart to be true. How can I believe that he manipulated me? I am too cautious, too smart, too damn careful to allow any man to fool me. Yet I know no matter how he is still in my life, that he is gone and I have been rejected. You say I play victim. I play. I pretend. I am false. i am over doing....then why the hell do I feel like I am breaking down each time he fails to call me. Why do I feel like I have to hold it together and pretend to be happy when he kisses me and says, “Your special to me.” I know he is dangling me on a string and I am fighting to get back my dignity but have no clue how. I let him manipulate me. i allowed him to break down barriers I worked so hard to keep up. Being raped was less humiliating than this. I feel raped by him. He took something so private and so well guarded (my heart) and knowing who I am and what I was protecting he played a game on me. I am truly holding myself up the best I can and I tell you I think I am doing a horrible job. Horrible. I just get more and more and more pathic. “Oh Mike will you call me, oh Mike leave a message on my machine, oh Mike are we ever going to walk the beach?”

 

I hear how stupid I sound. I don’t know what to do with myself. I have no clue what to do.

 

I am going now, but jenny and anyone eles who wants to know, for clarity, when I first came on this site I said I had a Ph.D. in order to simplify things. There seemed to be no need to go into the details of how I completed my research and wrote my thesis, but dropped out in December, unable to focus due to Mike even thought I was nearly there. That was just unnecessary information. So I said I have a Ph.D. who cares? I also told you I live with my parents. I do, but I have plenty of money to move out buy a new car and a house. So am I automatically considered down and out and a moocher because i live with them? Well I pay just as much in rent to them as I would a regular place and have less freedom. So obviously I am not poor or doing it to get over. But the point was never any of that, only that I am suffering.

 

 

Like Moi posted, I was one of those students with limitations. Special lighting requirements, special time requirements, private tutors and in and out of the writing help office etc. I graduated with a degree in math and physics yet could not understand or even grasp the concept of time until my first year of college. Tutor after tutor, I never learned how to tell time or understand the concept until my first year of college. Your both completely clueless as to what education really is if you feel all people are the same and therefore should behave or act according to a standard. In life there exceptions to everything which is why they said, “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover.”

 

I am tired and signing off. This topic is over. I promise if I come back to this site I will not post any more depressing stuff.

 

Good Luck to all of you!

 

may God Bless your lives and you be filled in all ways!

[newcommer]

One last thing, Mike thinks I am playing games too. That I am overdramatizing. That I don’t feel the hurt I feel. How can I not know what I am feeling? What is up with that? Honest people are said to be dishonest and dishonest people are never suspected. Why would someone lie about being hurt? So am I getting my rocks off coming to this site? Do i get some type of organism just typing “What do I do? Poor me!”? Why is it always, "Grow up"? When is it okay to admit I can't handle this? When is it okay to say, "I am not strong enough to deal"?

 

You forget Mike did not walk away and it's bye bye. He is there giving 20% as opposed to his old 110%. Mike is not out of my life. And since I want him there and foolishly feel I need him there, it feels like I am in a state of chaos. Mike kisses me and hugs me and tells me everything is okay. If all were okay we would be out enjoying life like we used to instead of me being out alone. We have not been on a date since Early December. I take me out! I go out with me. A victim would stay home and cry. I go out get facials, go to resturaunts alone, walk the beach alone, get massages, and live! Well you got me, today I am staying home to cry, but usually I am out! It is not easy letting go when you feel you need this yet what you have is not what you need. I don't love him. I get it. The love dissappeared when he let me down. i know I can move on if I meet someone knew. I know I will not give him a second thought. My problem is I feel I need him. Or since he is not in my life really, I feel too betrayed by him. He distances himself knowing I need him.

 

When one of you is ready please tell me how on earth you can possibly feel I play victim when I was the victim? I never saw this coming and never once thought it was all smoke and mirrors. I spent all this time in an illusion of bliss and an illusion of finally meeting someone who understood me. He seemed to understand me. To finish my thoughts to know without me saying what was on my mind. He seemed to accept me as a persona and as a woman. Now he doesn’t understand anymore and neither do some of you. I play the fool not the victim. A fool for thinking I was being understood here . I thank you all for all your support and help, but I am “Standing on y own two feet and moving on”. Some of you have been so wonderful when I most needed a friend and I will never forget that. I’ll come back when the name Newcommer is not such a “Oh God here she comes again”. That is not playing victim but being tired of being misunderstood.

 

By the way I also spelled Newcomer wrong I am shock that was not pointed out. Maybe I am being a Bitch but I am tired of pretending I am not hurting. Nobody wants to hear I hurt so I hide it all day pretending I am so strong. I hide it from everyone because people give you this damn time period in which to heal. After one week you got problems if your still dwelling on things. Well I am sick of it. Sick of holding my head up and smiling and walking around as if nothing hurts. It F***king hurts and just don't understand why he chose me to f**ck with. Why did he have to chose me? why could he not have left me alone to believe I was strong and dynamic? I feel so weak and pathetic and I am tired of people acting as if I have no right to hurt. I can't be strong 24 hours a day. i am human. I can't keep smiling and inside I am dying. If I can't come here and be believed and trusted then again I am alone. I AM SICK OF BEING ALONE!

[jenny]

newcommer: once again, i am really sorry, and i would hate to discourage anyone who really needs help.

 

all of us on this forum, particularly myself, rant at length sometimes. i have been called on it too. brutal editing is also usually just a part of the academic world - i was shocked you could be so sensitive about it.

 

most of us on this forum, including myself, have been bitchy sometimes. i think i was here, without realizing it. i dimly remember the first time i was told a story lacked clarity, and it was not fun. (now it's part of a weekly routine.)

 

so, anyway, my sincere apologies. i hope you stick around.

[Tony T]

Jenny has more than apologized if any of her remarks have hurt you. I'm sure Befuddled didn't mean to hurt you either. Now, it's time for you to take action. I think your idea of getting away from the forum for a day or two and taking inventory of yourself is a very good idea. I would also urge professional counselling. This forum can never be a substitute for that.

 

You have to understand that when you come here, people are going to try to help you based on what they understand and in words they feel you will understand. If you are now in a place where you can't handle that kind of meaningful exchange of communication and ideas, take some time to yourself...relax, meditate, take a bubble bath, go for a walk....do some very nice things for yourself.

 

In a few days, come back here and see how you feel. Matter of fact, you don't even need to come back here to see how you feel. At that time, you might try posting again and letting us know where you are emotionally at that time. It's OK if it's difficult, it's OK if some don't understand. Just give people here permission to be human, and most of all...GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO BE HUMAN!!!