What is the behavior of a man or woman who is ...

[spirited]

not available emotionally? What are the traits of this type of person?

[TaraMaiden]

Socially amenable, but emotionally distant.

Great for a laugh, but they can blank you off if you get too close...

[SummersEve]

I think it is a mistake to try to diagnose. Not emotionally unavailable as a psychiatric condition? who knows. How about is he emotionally available TO YOU?

 

That is easy to see, isn't it? Do you feel like he connects with you, does he respond to you emotionally, does he meet your needs? If not then perhaps he isn't the one for you, however he may or may not be with anyone/everyone else. If that answers your question.

[SummersEve]

I think it is a mistake to try to diagnose. Emotionally unavailable as a psychiatric condition? who knows. How about is he emotionally available TO YOU?

 

That is easy to see, isn't it? Do you feel like he connects with you, does he respond to you emotionally, does he meet your needs? If not then perhaps he isn't the one for you, however he may or may not be with anyone/everyone else. If that answers your question.

[SummersEve]

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Edited April 1, 2011 by SummersEve
duplicate posts

[ALonerAgain]

I think it is a mistake to try to diagnose. Not emotionally unavailable as a psychiatric condition? who knows. How about is he emotionally available TO YOU?

 

That is easy to see, isn't it? Do you feel like he connects with you, does he respond to you emotionally, does he meet your needs? If not then perhaps he isn't the one for you, however he may or may not be with anyone/everyone else. If that answers your question.

 

I think Summer makes a good point here: it basically depends on how comfortable they are with a person. And no 2 people can be exactly the same.

 

However, after being with 2 emotionally unavailable men and realising my own emotional unavailability, I think that Tara has the right description.

 

On the outside, they will appear 'normal', i.e. seem open, and carefree. Has a good sense of humour; considerate - basically the 'looks good on paper' type.

 

But, once you get involved with them on a more intimate level (either as a friend or lover), can they be open with you about their experiences andexpectations? Their wants and needs; desires and fears, in a direct and open manner?

 

Or do they go silent? Shut themselves off? Fail to look you in the eye or change the subject (e.g. making a joke about it)? These would all indicate someone who is uncomfortable with sharing their feelings, perhaps because they have been hurt before or because they never learnt to open up to anyone while they were growing up.

 

Of course, I speak only from experience and observation. The whole subject of emotional intimacy and openness is open to interpretation.

Edited April 1, 2011 by ALonerAgain

[2sunny]

empty and unresponsive when emotions come into play.

 

not recognizing feelings- not participating on an emotional level.

 

staying distant enough not to "feel"

[Baroness67]

They keep busy - working, hobbies, sports on TV, golf, exercise, drinking or otherwise numbing out. Like a shark, they keep swimming and perpetually keep their focus anywhere else except on someone who is trying to connect with them.

 

Connection makes them feel vulnerable - a very unpleasant experience for them.

 

This is my experience.

[Tizzy]

Oh my gosh, I just got out of a 2.5 yr relationship with an emotionally unavailable man so I can answer this one pretty well.

 

First, Google "Baggage reclaim EUM". This woman has literally written a book on emotionally unavailable men/people and will tell you every single thing you need to know about them and how to avoid them.

 

From my own experience I can tell you that what the poster above said about them being very friendly and looking good on paper but closed off to you is so true! In fact, my ex-boyfriend was even very open about his feelings, dreams, aspirations, and so on. He seemed like a great, very outgoing, open person. He was open to talking about personal stuff, but he had very very little empathy for others and didn't really care to listen or take in what people said when it came to their most intimate thoughts. He might look like he was listening, but he could really have cared less.

 

I think the biggest red flag to me (even though I totally ignored it) was his relationship history. His last 2 relationships ended basically b/c of his selfishness and lack of empathy (which he admitted) and I should've seen the light then. Our relationship ended for the EXACT same reason as his other two.

 

Emotionally unavailable people don't like to commit to anything (unless its something they already know THEY want), will string you along about stuff FOREVER, and will leave you feeling like you're the crazy one even though you know its them thats the cause of the problems. You will feel alone in the relationship, ride off the good times you have together, and totally not understand why things all of a sudden turn for the worse. It's an exhausting rollercoaster-like dance you do not want to be a part of. Things will be really good one minute then they act crazy and then all of a sudden they're back to being nice again. Exhausting!

 

Google "Emotionally unavailable" and you will find all you need to know about these kind of people. You can read up on the horrible marriages these kind of people end up having since a lot of them never change, they only get worse with time unless they see the light themselves and make a personal effort to change. They have issues and are to be avoided at all cost. They are impossible to understand and you will never be fully completely happy with them. Learn how to recognize the signs and if you come across one RUN LIKE HELL!

[isthisallthereis]

I found an article about emotional unavailability and had my "aha" moment.

 

My husband checked out of our marriage early on, but I refused to accept it. I felt that if I could just be perfect, that things would work out. But, even when things went perfectly, it still wasn't enough.

 

it explains how my husband could walk in on me, sitting in the kitchen floor beside of my crying baby, while I have my head on my knees crying, and turn around and walk out without saying a word. It explains why I have gone through every medical procedure I've had over the course of my marriage, with either no one or my mother by my side, no husband in sight. It explains why I have suffered through the deaths of close family members without any support from my husband.

 

My husband will spend hours on the computer looking up random sports stats, playing cards, talking on message boards, but forget to have an actual conversation with me, or with our daughter.

 

When reworking our cell plan, husband decided he didn't want to have a phone since he didn't want to be "anchored".

 

We are trying counseling, but are having a difficult go of it, because husband thinks I am to blame since I don't tell him what to do. Yet, when I do tell him what I need, he either dismisses my thoughts, or will say he will do it, then "forget". In the alternative, I am nagging.

 

He will take no responsibility for the relationship or for much in life.

 

Run fast, run hard, away from any one who walls themselves off.

[Tizzy]

isthisallthereis, what you just described is exactly what my relationship was like. Like you said, they just check out. It's ugly. And yes, you keep thinking it's you, b/c they tell you it's you, and eventually you start believing that maybe it is you, so you try to be a better you to make them happy and they never are. Because they can never be satisfied, by anyone, not even themselves. Period. I am so glad i saw the light when I did. That relationship made me feel horrible and was a big blow to my self esteem.

 

isthisallthereis, my heart goes out to you! Hang in there and if you get a chance, I recommend reading "Women Who Love Too Much: When you Keep Hoping and Wishing He'll Change" by Robin Norwood. I read it after breaking up with my emotionally unavailable ex-boyfriend and it has been an eye-opener. I realized there was some stuff within myself I needed to work on so that I wouldn't be attracted to these types of people and relationships in the first place.

[isthisallthereis]

isthisallthereis, what you just described is exactly what my relationship was like. Like you said, they just check out. It's ugly. And yes, you keep thinking it's you, b/c they tell you it's you, and eventually you start believing that maybe it is you, so you try to be a better you to make them happy and they never are. Because they can never be satisfied, by anyone, not even themselves. Period. I am so glad i saw the light when I did. That relationship made me feel horrible and was a big blow to my self esteem.

 

isthisallthereis, my heart goes out to you! Hang in there and if you get a chance, I recommend reading "Women Who Love Too Much: When you Keep Hoping and Wishing He'll Change" by Robin Norwood. I read it after breaking up with my emotionally unavailable ex-boyfriend and it has been an eye-opener. I realized there was some stuff within myself I needed to work on so that I wouldn't be attracted to these types of people and relationships in the first place.

 

These bolded items stand out to me! Thanks for the kind words, and for the suggestions of resources.

[Tethys]

isthisallthereis, what you just described is exactly what my relationship was like. Like you said, they just check out. It's ugly. And yes, you keep thinking it's you, b/c they tell you it's you, and eventually you start believing that maybe it is you, so you try to be a better you to make them happy and they never are. Because they can never be satisfied, by anyone, not even themselves. Period. I am so glad i saw the light when I did. That relationship made me feel horrible and was a big blow to my self esteem.

 

isthisallthereis, my heart goes out to you! Hang in there and if you get a chance, I recommend reading "Women Who Love Too Much: When you Keep Hoping and Wishing He'll Change" by Robin Norwood. I read it after breaking up with my emotionally unavailable ex-boyfriend and it has been an eye-opener. I realized there was some stuff within myself I needed to work on so that I wouldn't be attracted to these types of people and relationships in the first place.

 

What if you are one of these guys? I've been to counseling and I think my current therapist is done with me. She just doesn't think I have anything else to work on. I think it's time for someone new.

 

I think I'm just with the wrong woman, but I've never found one that I like all that much after the first year or two.

[Tizzy]

Tethys, there is a book called "The Emotionally Unavailable Man" (I can't remember the author) that I haven't read but the reviews say it is very helpful for emotionally unavailable men. Half of the book is for emotionally unavailable men and the other part is for the women who are with them. In the reviews on Amazon, the men say it really helped them understand why they are how they are and how to break thru that. They say it improved their relationships.

 

In terms of your therapist, I've never been to one but I've heard sometimes you have to try a few. When one stops working for you they say try another.