Why Stay?

[confusedinkansas]

Thoughts on something that I've noticed here lately

 

There are some here that are posting that have made a decision to STAY in the marriage after the affair - (BS or WS)

 

Then they bitch & moan & complain about their spouse.

IF you choose to stay in a marriage after something like this has happened, why on earth do you also choose to be miserable for a decision YOU yourself made?

To the best of our knowledge no one held a gun to their heads & told them they MUST stay.

 

Staying because of the kids - Ok - I understand the mentality & thinking on that level ~ but when reality sets in, this is NOT a good enough reason to continue in a marriage - in the long term........

 

Why stay if you're going to forever refer to you spouse as an A-Hol or a Bitch!

Dumb - Dumb - Dumb!

 

Of course then there are those that have chosen not to stay in a marriage & are continually bitter for the rest of their lives as well. Doesn't make sense to me.

[donnamaybe]

I must not be reading any of the posts you're reading, because I haven't seen any BS who has chosen to stay and work on their M talking about their spouse that way.

 

However, if people are doing that, the question is VERY valid.

[Linda9999]

I chose to stay, but I certainly don't bitch about my husband much! I can't say that I have noticed what you are describing either, but I suppose that people need a place to vent about their spouses, cheaters or not, and maybe here they feel is a safe place to do so?? Rather than bitch at their spouse? I don't know.

 

Perhaps some people who have chosen to stay did so because they are still deciding whether to stay for good or not, or perhaps they did so because it was less scary than breaking up with their spouse. I'm just guessing though.

[confusedinkansas]

There is a poster on another thread that has stayed from the time his children were small - to now as adults moving back home. He refers to his wife as a Bitch.

 

One other that has posted with a "Woah is Me/Martyr" attitude in his posts. This is another one that's stayed for YEARS after the affair.

 

I'm not saying there are a bunch.

I'm just curious why someone would stay & make themselves miserable in the process.

[HappyAtLast]

I am not the sort to ever say a bad word about my wife. But, it IS commonplace for some folks to occasionally complain about their spouse. I am not judging, just observing. (Although, I do have issue with calling names.)

 

That said, for those folks, why would they stop their normal behavior? Does deciding to stay with a wandering spouse prevent any future ability to complain about them or something they do later? I would not believe so.

[Spark1111]

There is a poster on another thread that has stayed from the time his children were small - to now as adults moving back home. He refers to his wife as a Bitch.

 

One other that has posted with a "Woah is Me/Martyr" attitude in his posts. This is another one that's stayed for YEARS after the affair.

 

I'm not saying there are a bunch.

I'm just curious why someone would stay & make themselves miserable in the process.

 

I think it is fear of the unknown. The devil you know may be of more reassurance than the devil you do not.

 

Still no excuse as far as I am concerned. I have one shot at this life, and I want to be gloriously, passionately partnered.

 

Here are two thoughts: Ninety-percent of all issues in a relationship are never resolved. Think about that....I'm me and you are you and either we accept our differences or move on. Therapists have concluded that compatibility is highly overrated and not necessary for a long-term successful realtionship. Acceptance is!

 

If I was still complaining about nonsense, ugh! Shoot me!

 

Two: Be the change you wish to see in the relationship. Want more kindness, consideration, respect, attention? Then give it without complaint about what you are not receiving. Sit back, have patience and....wait.

 

Stop the quid pro quo. It's damaging.

[TMCM]

One thing I've learned is that once your head makes a dificult decision, the heart MUST BE dragged kicking and screaming like a bratty 3 year old toddler until it finally sucumbs to reason. It may take a long time, but the heart will eventually synchronize with the head. Beleive me it's no easy task, I know first hand, but in the long run the benefits derived from it are more than worth it.

[confusedinkansas]

Fake It Til' You Make It.........

 

It's the people that after 5-10-20 years - that are STILL unhappy that THEY themselves made the decision to stay. Although, those are the people that I'd wonder if they would ever be happy anyway - affiar or no affair.

 

Here are two thoughts: Ninety-percent of all issues in a relationship are never resolved. Think about that....I'm me and you are you and either we accept our differences or move on. Therapists have concluded that compatibility is highly overrated and not necessary for a long-term successful realtionship. Acceptance is!

 

Not sure about 90% but I do agree with this - Even if there's never infidelity to deal with. Just being in a relationship with someone, spending all that time, yadda yadda yadda....can be challenging from time to time.

[Untouchable_Fire]

There is a poster on another thread that has stayed from the time his children were small - to now as adults moving back home. He refers to his wife as a Bitch.

One other that has posted with a "Woah is Me/Martyr" attitude in his posts. This is another one that's stayed for YEARS after the affair.

I'm not saying there are a bunch.

I'm just curious why someone would stay & make themselves miserable in the process.

 

What's the point of this? They stayed for their own reasons... your speculation on that is pointless.

 

Why did your BS stay? Did you smack his self esteem down so low he will accept anything you give him at this point? Does he call you "bitch" sometimes when your not around?

 

No matter how hard you may try to prove it... you are not better than anyone else.

[What_Next]

CIK, I suspect I know the one poster you alluded to and personally I don't understand it. I don't understand it one single bit.

 

I chose to stay, well I chose to come back. I don't bi__ch about my spouse, I don't call her names or anything of the sort. If I did, then how would that eventually end up? Heavens.

 

I wish I could say I am over the moon with happiness, well I am not, but that is to be expected. In time that will improve, or my wife and I will part ways.

 

Why would someone stay when they are miserable? Fear of being alone? Disappointing the children? Who knows. Every single person is responsible for their own actions and the consequences of those actions. If they chose to stay and then the result is misery, well ____. I don't need to finish that sentence do I.

[confusedinkansas]

No matter how hard you may try to prove it... you are not better than anyone else.

 

Woah - Don't recall insinuating I was better than anyone .........

 

Am just wondering why someone would put themselves thru all of that year after year after year..........It's obvious to me they don't love their spouse.

 

Even if we took infidelity out of the equasion - Why stay married if you're going to STAY unhappy?

 

Was there a time when my husband & I were unhappy? DUH! We've been married almost 31 years - It's bound to happen.

We have our 'moments' from time to time. No one single marriage is in a state of euphoria 24/7. We're bound to disagree. The difference though between my marriage & these other posters, we realized even thru the rough times & disagreements - Love is still there.

 

But to STAY in a state of unhappiness with your spouse - I don't get it.

 

This is more of a wondering out loud kind of thread & maybe having a little light shed - Not an opportunity for someone to 'trash' someone else.

[kaysun]

One thing I've learned is that once your head makes a dificult decision, the heart MUST BE dragged kicking and screaming like a bratty 3 year old toddler until it finally sucumbs to reason. It may take a long time, but the heart will eventually synchronize with the head. Beleive me it's no easy task, I know first hand, but in the long run the benefits derived from it are more than worth it.

 

I agree with this, whether one chooses to stay or leave. It's not easy in either instance.

 

I also believe people long for a time that was simpler than what they're currently going thru. Hence the reason for the complaining.

 

Choosing to stay after having this happen to you is a tough decision to make. It's a hard road to recovery, if you even get that far. Triggers are a nightmare and I'm sure whether you're 5 months or 5 years after D-Day they can still grab a hold of you and shake the living daylights out of you.

 

People need an outlet and sometimes jumping on the 'ol computer and writing it down is a more suitable alternative than saying / doing something else. The thing is we only see the few instances that they do that. Maybe the rest of their day / week is actually pretty good?

 

I chose to leave and I complain / bitch about it occasionally. I have a hell of a time getting ponytails in my 4 year girl's hair. Her mother is much better than I at doing that.

[Duckduckgoose]

Of course then there are those that have chosen not to stay in a marriage & are continually bitter for the rest of their lives as well. Doesn't make sense to me.

 

If a person is bitter after the marriage is over... for years and years that is its their own choice. You can choose to let the past rule your life or you can choose to forgive (not forget) and move forward. Nothing is a bigger turnoff than a bitter date.

[Baroness67]

I have chosen to stay in my marriage, if you can call that the choice. More accurately, I decided that I could not control what my husband was going to do with his life, but I could control what I did with mine. And I chose to stay with my children as their mother, and not to demand that their father leave. On the other hand, if my husband walked, that was his choice.

 

He ended up choosing to stay. As far as I have managed to understand, as he hasn't necessarily openly explained it to me, whatever he was doing on the side in his *fog* began to lose appeal for him once he knew I was letting him go to do what he pleased. Come and go whenever he wanted. I stopped asking, stopped being interested, stopped keeping track. At first it was an act, a true effort - but over a longer period of time I actually did stop caring. I just ran out of energy to expend in that direction. I was spent. And, ultimately, he started to come home again, act more like the person I used to know (though never exactly the same - and I'm not, either). About 3 years after the first bomb dropped, we're still here. It's looking promising that we might have a workable relationship. We will see. Right now we have managed to do a decent job of becoming friends again, which is an acceptable start to me.

 

I don't run around calling him names - I don't even get angry with him anymore. That would take active disrespect on his part, and my caring very much about that respect. But he seems to behave respectfully towards me, and, as a result, I behave respectfully towards him.

 

In a way, it really is a period of having to get to know one another all over again. No expectations. Some people say they would never want a marriage like that, but again, I didn't have that choice. It was this marriage, or no marriage. I don't really want another marriage. I had to ask myself, if my husband died, would I marry again? No, probably not. So my state might not be acceptable to everyone, but truly, it only needs to be acceptable to me. I think a lot of trouble can come from comparing your own standards to those of others. If my life is acceptable to me, that's all that matters.

 

I don't think I would be here typing this if we were calling each other names and actively disliking one another. That would be no way to live for me. However, it might be the choice of another.

[TMCM]

Fake It Til' You Make It.........

 

It's the people that after 5-10-20 years - that are STILL unhappy that THEY themselves made the decision to stay. Although, those are the people that I'd wonder if they would ever be happy anyway - affiar or no affair.

 

Making a good decision is not necessarily easy and it often implies making other decisions to support the main one. Case in point, if my decision is to accumulate, let say 2 million dollars in a span of 30 years by investing wisely my hard earned money, my heart may rebel to the idea of sacrificing short term pleasure to achieve an objective it feels I may not be alive to enjoy. But my head counters that if I die before I accumulate the 2 million dollars, that my loved ones can enjoy a better life with it AND IF I'm still around in 30 years, I will be a very happy old geezer.

 

So fake it til you make it doesn't work if there is no conscious effort from BOTH spouses to do the necessary work to heal each other and build a new (not rebuild) and stronger marriage. One good decision after another, will support the initial one until the heart is convinced that the head was right all along and happiness will follow.

Edited April 1, 2011 by TMCM
editing

[Eve]

Thoughts on something that I've noticed here lately

 

There are some here that are posting that have made a decision to STAY in the marriage after the affair - (BS or WS)

 

Then they bitch & moan & complain about their spouse.

IF you choose to stay in a marriage after something like this has happened, why on earth do you also choose to be miserable for a decision YOU yourself made?

To the best of our knowledge no one held a gun to their heads & told them they MUST stay.

 

Staying because of the kids - Ok - I understand the mentality & thinking on that level ~ but when reality sets in, this is NOT a good enough reason to continue in a marriage - in the long term........

 

Why stay if you're going to forever refer to you spouse as an A-Hol or a Bitch!

Dumb - Dumb - Dumb!

 

Of course then there are those that have chosen not to stay in a marriage & are continually bitter for the rest of their lives as well. Doesn't make sense to me.

 

H'mm.. I think some are in a form of shock, others have a poor sense of self. A large proportion stay because of the financial implications and others are miserable people anyway so it doesn't really impact their quality of life.

 

For some the bitching is a phase and they work through things and are better for it, whether the relationship works out or not.

 

.. Can't be easy whatever path is taken methinks.

 

The combination of temperaments is key though (I reckon) within how things get resolved.

 

Personally Hubby and I discussed such things before we got married and agreed that we would tell the other if we wanted to end the marraige without involving any third party. Maybe people don't want to jinx their marraige but it is well worth talking about prior to making such a commitment.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Memphis Raines]

ah, yet but another post to ruffle feathers and piss people off.

[Memphis Raines]

What's the point of this? They stayed for their own reasons... your speculation on that is pointless.

 

see the above post

[Spark1111]

If a person is bitter after the marriage is over... for years and years that is its their own choice. You can choose to let the past rule your life or you can choose to forgive (not forget) and move forward. Nothing is a bigger turnoff than a bitter date.

 

You know I have read this and I believe it to be true: The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.

 

If years after the divorce, you are still angry and bitter then....I believe you have/had residual feelings for the xspouse and/or regret the decision to divorce.

 

Which is okay if you admit that to yourself. It may be the first part of truly moving on and reaching indifference.

[Spark1111]

Fake It Til' You Make It.........

 

It's the people that after 5-10-20 years - that are STILL unhappy that THEY themselves made the decision to stay. Although, those are the people that I'd wonder if they would ever be happy anyway - affiar or no affair.

 

 

 

Not sure about 90% but I do agree with this - Even if there's never infidelity to deal with. Just being in a relationship with someone, spending all that time, yadda yadda yadda....can be challenging from time to time.

 

Very challenging! After lust and limerance (the first two years) in a marriage comes the disillusionment phase, where the rose-colored glasses come off and all the stressors (house, mortgage, kids, money and in-laws) come in.

 

This is also when power struggles and arguing start. It is normal to reach this phase, but long term success depends on how well you handle it, and each other.

 

Last phase? Mature love; you accept, respect, and validate each other for who you are.

 

I would venture a guess that most of the divorce rate is directly attributable to the mis-handling (affairs? constant bickering? having to be right or prove your "points"? illness? joblessness?) during the disillusionment phase of a long-term relationship.

[silktricks]

Personally Hubby and I discussed such things before we got married and agreed that we would tell the other if we wanted to end the marraige without involving any third party. Maybe people don't want to jinx their marraige but it is well worth talking about prior to making such a commitment.

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

Yeah, we did the same.... That sure worked out. The thing was, he didn't want to end the marriage, just wanted whatever it was he wanted at the time of his affair.....

 

But back to the original post.... it doesn't make any sense to me that anyone would allow themselves to remain stuck for so long. Whether still married or divorced. I can understand someone choosing to remain married after infidelity, but I don't get the choosing to remain married and then not putting every ounce of energy into rebuilding the marriage.

 

Maybe it's not something that can be recovered. Once you see that, it's time to leave. But, that's my opinion, and the way I choose to live my life. I can't get the year after year after year anger at something that happened eons ago, but that's the way some people live. They never get over anything. Instead they hoard away their hurt and anger as if it's a treasure. Really sad, I think.

Edited April 1, 2011 by silktricks

[WorldIsYours]

Apparently some wayward spouses believe that staying married means they get a free pass.

 

Exactly. So because someone stays they can't express their hurt.

 

Just another ignorant WS.

[Memphis Raines]

Apparently some wayward spouses believe that staying married means they get a free pass.

 

well, I wasn't really referring to that, but I agree.

 

i just love it when someone comes into a forum full of people trying to deal with being cheated ON, and throws the tired old "bitter" word around in an attempt to offend. If people are in pain because of what people like her have done, and can't get over it, but are trying, I wouldn't dismiss them as bitter. But then again, I'm not her.

 

and if feeling disgust for people that cheat is "bitter", so be it. Better bitter than a sociopath.

[confusedinkansas]

I don't believe I've dismissed anyone's feelings here at all.

But apparently some posters still need to dig every chance they get.

This isn't JUST a forum for people trying to get over infidelity. It is a forum about infidelity of which there are many aspects.

 

Bottem line on what I'm saying is......

If you choose to stay - suck it up! Eventually you need to get on with life. Staying in self pity 10-20 some odd years because of a decision you yourself made is just outright sad.

 

Do people do it? Sure they do - Every day. I just don't get if someone is going to be miserable why stay? Why didn't they just pack it in & leave so that they could be happy with life?

 

We can't control what others do or say - we can only control ourselves.

[Memphis Raines]

I don't believe I've dismissed anyone's feelings here at all.

 

yes, you did. not so much in this thread, although you did, as in other threads/posts of yours.

 

your standard thing is if someone can't get over it, or if someone who isn't with a cheater any longer who simply dislikes the pain others cause, then you call them bitter.

 

people forgive, but they will never forget. triggers happen, feelings come back to the surface once in a while. Doesn't make them bitter. makes them a product of being cheated on.

 

some people can deal with it better than others.

 

why don't you just leave the people who have had to deal with people like yourself alone?