Why Stay?

[seren]

I read the OP that if you (general) make a decision to stay in a marriage after D Day, reconcile, but still continue to 'bitch' about the XWS years later, then why do it, why put yourself through all the angst? The decision made to stay usually involves reconciliation, to focus on the A for years and years cannot aid reconciliation, at some point looking ahead has to be the foccus, otherwise you would just twist your head off with all the back and forward looking.

 

My take on CIK's thread was that there was not an intention to finger point (not CIK's style at all) but to open a discussion about the healthiness of not moving forward, not forgetting the A, but to keep concentrating on the negative aspects of the WS rather than the moving on and new relationship that must happen for a marriage or relationship to thrive.

 

I also think that I have learned a lot from reading and corresponding with all sides of the A triangle, we ask, get asked, share, vent etc and in that process we learn. I didn't read anything provocative in the OP. Got to be honest, I too wonder why stay if there is no respect for the person you love, then how can there be love? You don't have to respect the actions during the A, but IME, I respect the actions of my H so very much, if I thought he was an a*** or any other derogatory word, I wouldn't and couldn't stay. I think that was the question posed.

[WorldIsYours]

I don't believe I've dismissed anyone's feelings here at all.

But apparently some posters still need to dig every chance they get.

This isn't JUST a forum for people trying to get over infidelity. It is a forum about infidelity of which there are many aspects.

 

Bottem line on what I'm saying is......

If you choose to stay - suck it up! Eventually you need to get on with life. Staying in self pity 10-20 some odd years because of a decision you yourself made is just outright sad.

 

Do people do it? Sure they do - Every day. I just don't get if someone is going to be miserable why stay? Why didn't they just pack it in & leave so that they could be happy with life?

 

We can't control what others do or say - we can only control ourselves.

 

If anyone is sad, it is you for even posting something like this. This type of selfish state of mind is the reason why most marriages dissolve after an affair has occurred.

[WorldIsYours]

It doesn't make sense to me why someone would cheat on their spouse and then blame their spouse for feeling bitter about it.

 

If that's a real concern, then don't cheat. Problem solved.

 

And I see the word "bitter" on LS more than I hear it in real life (which is a damn shame:laugh:), and calling BSs bitter is getting old. If anyone's bitter and ignorant it is these cheaters.

[fooled once]

 

Even if we took infidelity out of the equasion - Why stay married if you're going to STAY unhappy?

 

Great words CIK. In many ways, I fully agree with you. Heck, just with the many affair threads where most of the OW proclaim that the MM is just utterly miserable in his marriage yet he stays, he goes on vacation, he plays horny husband, etc. Yeah, he is just miserable beyond belief.

 

Along with this type of complaining, I have this same opinion when people get pregnant. They wish and dream and hope to get pregnant and then when they are pregnant, they do nothing but b*tch and moan and whine all the time about being pregnant. Sometimes you want to just shake them or slap them and tell them to grow the heck up. Pregnancy is a condition that many people willingly put themselves in. Same with marriage, IMHO. No one is forcing another person to stay married.

 

Life is too damn short to be so allegedly 'unhappy' all the time. Make the most out of life.

[bentnotbroken]

I can't say that I have seen this, but that isn't to say it isn't happening. I don't know why one would stay if they were very unhappy. But if it is an informed choice....:confused:As evidenced by the different situations on this board we all don't live the same way and most of us will never understand the choices of others. That's what makes this place compelling.

[Eve]

Yeah, we did the same.... That sure worked out. The thing was, he didn't want to end the marriage, just wanted whatever it was he wanted at the time of his affair.....

 

But back to the original post.... it doesn't make any sense to me that anyone would allow themselves to remain stuck for so long. Whether still married or divorced. I can understand someone choosing to remain married after infidelity, but I don't get the choosing to remain married and then not putting every ounce of energy into rebuilding the marriage.

 

Maybe it's not something that can be recovered. Once you see that, it's time to leave. But, that's my opinion, and the way I choose to live my life. I can't get the year after year after year anger at something that happened eons ago, but that's the way some people live. They never get over anything. Instead they hoard away their hurt and anger as if it's a treasure. Really sad, I think.

 

I am very sorry to hear this and I hope you are now in a better place. I really do.

 

Within such a worst case scenario, I still think the person being cheated on should follow through with whatever pre marital decision they made about such things. To not do so would give the other party incredible power over you. This I could not stand.

 

My Hubby gave his cheating wife two weeks to try counselling or something. She had changed so much that this was not possible but she tried to have a hold on him for years. Living in that kind of situation could probably have destroyed him.

 

He stuck to his guns and well, she is in the past now and he has a better life with me.

 

I think people understandably fear the process of everything going to **** but if they do stay and continue to bitch or whatever, that's on them. I don't think anyone owes anyone their life.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[dreamingoftigers]

I am very sorry to hear this and I hope you are now in a better place. I really do.

 

Within such a worst case scenario, I still think the person being cheated on should follow through with whatever pre marital decision they made about such things. To not do so would give the other party incredible power over you. This I could not stand.

 

My Hubby gave his cheating wife two weeks to try counselling or something. She had changed so much that this was not possible but she tried to have a hold on him for years. Living in that kind of situation could probably have destroyed him.

 

He stuck to his guns and well, she is in the past now and he has a better life with me.

 

I think people understandably fear the process of everything going to **** but if they do stay and continue to bitch or whatever, that's on them. I don't think anyone owes anyone their life.

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

That's just the thing, if they are cheating, then they are not honest. If they aren't honest they probably aren't going to honour that pre-marital agreement.

 

My husband and I had a couple of pre-marital agreements. Guess what? They come down to squat if the person is unable to be honest.

 

You really aren't the first person who thought of running through these things before marriage. Not to sound insulting or anything. Just don't put all faith into them because you and your now husband "discussed" them. None of us ever thought our spouses would betray us.

[Eve]

That's just the thing, if they are cheating, then they are not honest. If they aren't honest they probably aren't going to honour that pre-marital agreement.

 

My husband and I had a couple of pre-marital agreements. Guess what? They come down to squat if the person is unable to be honest.

 

You really aren't the first person who thought of running through these things before marriage. Not to sound insulting or anything. Just don't put all faith into them because you and your now husband "discussed" them. None of us ever thought our spouses would betray us.

 

You do sound a bit worked up.

 

I don't think you have heard me correctly as you are still talking from the perspective of the other party. From the point of view of somoene staying in a relationship in which they know cheating has been onging - I was looking at the person who has been cheated on still honouring their side of whatever was discussed prior to marraige.

 

I would agree that this aspect of decision making is key within such a scenario and therefore I don't relate to the state of limbo being expressed.

 

As I said previously, no one owes anyone their life. To give someone that much power over you is pretty silly and this is probably at the root of why they are being treated in such a way!

 

Ok, you said that your Hubby broke two pre martal agreements.. what was your side of the agreement? Personally I would think that if I did not continue with my side of the agreement, whatever I get from that point on would be my own fault for putting up with it. Simple as that.

 

I am not sure what you are trying to say. Ultimately it smacks of being trapped to me. I just could never accept that.. I would never let the cheater lead me in any way shape or form. Yes, genuine remorse can be worked through but if you stay and you are unhappy, that is a choice.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[confusedinkansas]

I read the OP that if you (general) make a decision to stay in a marriage after D Day, reconcile, but still continue to 'bitch' about the XWS years later, then why do it, why put yourself through all the angst? The decision made to stay usually involves reconciliation, to focus on the A for years and years cannot aid reconciliation, at some point looking ahead has to be the foccus, otherwise you would just twist your head off with all the back and forward looking.

 

My take on CIK's thread was that there was not an intention to finger point (not CIK's style at all) but to open a discussion about the healthiness of not moving forward, not forgetting the A, but to keep concentrating on the negative aspects of the WS rather than the moving on and new relationship that must happen for a marriage or relationship to thrive.

 

I also think that I have learned a lot from reading and corresponding with all sides of the A triangle, we ask, get asked, share, vent etc and in that process we learn. I didn't read anything provocative in the OP. Got to be honest, I too wonder why stay if there is no respect for the person you love, then how can there be love? You don't have to respect the actions during the A, but IME, I respect the actions of my H so very much, if I thought he was an a*** or any other derogatory word, I wouldn't and couldn't stay. I think that was the question posed.

 

Thanks Seren - You understand the point I'm making unlike ...

OpenRude - You have totally taken everything I've said out of context & twisted it's meaning beyond recognition.

 

My post is not about pointing fingers or blame shifting or gaslighting or any of the other words that are tossed around here.

 

The Question - Why Stay & the Explaination - (Since others didn't read the original post before piping up)

IF you have made a decision to stay in a marriage after an affair (Mr. or Ms. BS) & you have had your questions answered & you & your spouse have made a decision to stick it out - work on things & stay married.......Mr. & Mrs. BS YOU made the decision to stay. Why do you still regret & bitch about YOUR decision that no one made for you?

 

Or - IF after a time you were still not happy - Why didn't you leave?

 

Why stay? Obviously, because the wayward spouse remains a master manipulator,

Seriously???

[confusedinkansas]

Yes.

 

OP doesn't want to acknowledge that a lot of BS who stay in the marriage after D Day are made miserable because their WSs think they get a free pass and never really pull their weight in trying to fix what they broke in the first place. Obviously a BS doesn't stay in a marriage saying "Gee I intend to be miserable with this cheater for the next 20 years." They believe (maybe wishful thinking in many cases): "Gee I hope my cheater really means it when they say they want to try to fix things." Often enough the cheater maintains the selfish attitude and keeps acting in a way which creates continued misery for the BS.

Perhaps - But not in every situation - This is a "Once A Cheater" mentality & If Mr. BS you believe that your spouse will cheat again then perhaps the decision to stay shouldn't have been made. Right?

 

Also OP doesn't seem to want to admit that it's the cheating that caused the circumstance in which the BS is forced to choose between a divorce and trying to repair a marriage and continuing to put up with the cheater's selfishness in many instances.

Ok - Let's run with this assumption.

If a BS is married to a Serial Cheater then YEP they are at fault for staying in a 'disfunctional marriage' IF they are still complaining about it.

 

 

This analagy could go with anything in life.

The wife that lives with an alcoholic husband.

The husband that lives with a gambling addicted wife.

Yadda Yadda Yadda......