Blew up in my face....

[longlegzs80]

I have never hit such a stressful part in my life and a most depressing point with my relationship with this guy that I have been seeing for 2 months. Our relationship has been ups and downs and it has ended tonight. He made me feel really bad because I did not want to make love to him because of the fact that I am scared to get pregnant, have no experience, want to wait, and have no sex drive. So, we had an arguement tonight that lead us to the point where I walked out and he said that when I am ready for an adult relationship meaning sex and everything else, to give him a call.

 

the thing now is I am truely depressed because of it. I don't want to stoop so low as to give myself to him when I Am really not ready for it. So, I just had to let people know on the forum who have been keeping up with the relationship thing. He said as I walked out the door that I am going to be a lonely person. And that is where it ended along with his statement of calling him when I am ready to get into an adult relationship.

 

But the thing is, I know I am 23, and I can make decisions by myself, but it don't seem like I can do anything because my mother seems to have a control over me, which seems to piss him off which I don't blame him. But, she worries about me and wants me to call when I am not comming home, or tell her more about this guy, or whatever it is. And it has been a major impact on me.

 

Tonight he wanted me to stay over. And with the way it sounds and how much I tell him I can't and that I have to call my mom, it was almost like he was giving me a choice as to who I should choose.

 

I just can't take it. And that was my 2nd official relationship and would like it to work out, but don't want to choose between him or my mom, and I don't want to be depressed and unhappy in the relationship or belittled. But apparently I deal with it and now it is done until I call him up. So, that is it.

 

Its over unless something can be worked out. But he has said alot of things to me that really hurt my feelings and I Am stupid enough to be with him again.

[moimeme]

This guy was bad news from your second date. That he said stupid and mean things to you just shows how UNWORTHY this jerk is of you. If Barbie were online, she'd be calling him an ASSCLOWN. He is. You've lost nothing but a jerk. Do not mourn his loss for one second. Drop him like a hot potato and move on. A good relationship would not leave you feeling as bad as this one has. That right there is your sign that you are well rid of the jerk.

[Thinkalot]

Couple of things.

 

Leave this guy. He's not good enough, and you don't seem to really want a relationship with him anyway, or else you would have felt differently. Don't listen to his statements. Guys say all kinds of things when they get knocked back...some of them nasty (been there).

 

Secondly, you do need to figure out this situation with your Mum. I've also had to learn how to draw boundaries with my own mum, who I am very close to. I learnt over time how to do that. It was hard, but you need to control your own life.

 

I used to run everything by my mum too...I relied on her opinion. That's not good. But being close and asking for advice is fine. You are 23, and it wouldn't hurt you to step back a little.

 

As for choosing between the guy and your mum, I think right now you need to choose YOU.

 

Things will pick up for you. Believe in yourself. Don't let his hurtful comments get to you.

 

Good luck Sarah.

[longlegzs80]

Thank you. I would not say that my mom and I are close like we used to be. But she is way way too overprotective and just needs to back off.

 

This guy is no good but I let him treat me like this. I heard things out of his mouth that he has said about my mom without even knowing her and just making assumptions by what I have said and how I feel about things. I have heard how he has talked to his 16 year old son who he has seen last year, and is trying to see again, but has seriously a bad attitude toward him that night that they talked on the phone. The way he has talked to me was definitly emotional abuse and I am just afraid that I am going to go back to it.

 

I wish I wasn't holding off as far as sex goes for apparently so long, but I have to be totally at ease when it comes to it. And all I felt was pressure and ultimatiums. Anywho, I would like to talk to him like adults where the both of us can just talk and get things out without yelling and making one feel bad because I am not easy and really ready to have sex.

 

And yes I say I am not ready, but to some extent I am, and I would of loved to have done stuff with him, but I just could not have myself stoop so low with a guy who was a sweet talker and who would belittle me etc.

[moimeme]

Anywho, I would like to talk to him like adults where the both of us can just talk and get things out without yelling and making one feel bad because I am not easy and really ready to have sex.

 

I doubt this will happen. Cut him off. If you keep going back, eventually he'll talk you into something you won't want and you will be ten times as miserable.

[reachingskywards]

I agree totally with ‘thinkalot’.

 

Whether you have sex with someone or not is totally your decision. If you don’t want to sleep with someone then that’s your decision and you shouldn’t feel bad about that at all. I think it’s a good idea that you’re not with this guy,

 

Having said that I think you need to look at your relationship with your mum

 

One of my closest friends hasn’t even had a boyfriend of any sort because of an overbearing mother. She is 35, living at home and has never even been on a date with a man. My ex boyfriend also had mother issues. Our therapist explained to me that because my ex was so connected psychologically to his mother he didn’t have enough space inside of him left over for decent relationship with me. It was heartbreaking when we broke up after 6 years of living together.

 

If you think you have problems with your mum then I would highly recommend that you do something to deal with them. I don’t think that at 23 it’s much of an issue – but you wouldn’t want to get to 35 or something and still have the same issues. Perhaps you could try to do things that would give you more independence. This doesn’t mean that you stop loving your mum. It just means that you start becoming your own person. That means thinking for yourself and making decisions for yourself. I thin sometimes you can do things to foster independence. When I took my first overseas trip that really helped me – I’m sure there are also lots of little things you can do as well.

 

Good luck. I’m sure you’ll mean the right man and the right relationship soon.

[Darkangelism]

He was a scumbag, you deserve a lot better. He didnt want to treat you right, ait for you to be ready, all he wanted was to stick his wanker in you from day one. Dont blame yourself, it wasnt your fault, you are a good person.

[capitald]

I am not with the haters. Your 23, thats adult status!!! Your not mommie's little girl anymore!!! Quit hiding behind your mother, thats weak. If you are not ready for sex communicate that, tell a guy what he is going to face, maybe give him an idea of how long it is going to take before you have sex with him, or let him know that you are not interested in sex now or maybe not at all or tell him how the relationship has to be before you will have sex with him. A relationship without sex is a friendship, not a relationship, the way you think causes you to live in a pretend universe of your own creation. Also, beware of people that don't get sex because they are going to give you advice that will make you a loser too. Sex is crucial to a healthy lifestyle.

 

We all have been brainwashed to think we don't deserve anything and if we get the crazy idea that we deserve anything, the world is quick to make almost every form of pleasure illegal. Holding out until you are ready is fine, using sex as a tool of manipulation to get what you want in the world is just going to make you a slut. Also, you can have sex without getting pregnant: over the counter birth control, birth control pills, female contraceptives, condoms, etc... The list of effective protection goes on and on. Maybe its just too soon for you, two months is not a long time, maybe you'll feel differently after 3 months, 6 months, a year!!! On the flipside, your boyfriend has a point, if you don't trust men then you'll probably never be happy. Just because we want sex doesn't make us bad.

[moimeme]

capitald, you have not been around for this whole story. This guy is a jerk for MANY reasons, not just this. She is better off without him completely. Oh, and here's a clue: sex with someone you don't think that much of is no fun at all, and she has been treated quite badly by this twerp. Even had she already been on birth control, I'd congratulate her for avoiding sex with him because it would only complicate matters.

 

He's mean and abusive - and they've only been going out a short while, when the man is usually on his best behaviour. If this is his 'best' behaviour, I shudder to think what he'd be like after a half-year.

 

So get off your 'men deserve sex' little soapbox. In this case, it's totally inappropriate.

[capitald]

wow, that was a bit castrating. A romantic relationship without sex will almost always have its share of bitterness on both ends after a certain period of time. Anyway, why don't I deserve sex, I am a human, I don't do bad things, I deserve to be loved. Sometimes I feel bad for you moimeme, you really sound like a person that doesn't feel loved.

 

P.S. her bf has the right to walk away from the relationship if he is not getting what he wants at any time. Some females may take that as a terrible insult or an affront to them and/or their vainity if a man walks away. You can't control us, we have the freedom to do what we want, this is a free world.

[reasontosigh]

her bf has the right to walk away from the relationship if he is not getting what he wants at any time.

 

Anybody does - male or female.

 

Moi's right - this guy is abusive and longlegz needs to be as far away from this cretin as she can possibly get. Maybe if you took the time to check out the whole story you'd see that. But I am willing to bet you won't.

 

This thread is not about you. If you want one, start one.

 

Just because you were probably raised with having sour milk poured on your Cheerios every day doesn't mean you can get the rest of us to acquire such a taste.

[moimeme]

Sometimes I feel bad for you moimeme, you really sound like a person that doesn't feel loved.

 

No need to waste your precious time on worrying about me. Instead, spend it reading through ALL of longlegz' posts about this guy. He is a bona fide jerk. However, some men think that no woman can possibly have a legitimate grievance against any man and so they leap to the defense of all men, no matter how badly-behaved some might be. You must be one of those. We have several on this board.

[yes]

A guy who cannot wait several months until the girl is more comfortable with him?? All he gets from me is

 

Yes, he has the right to walk away, and he did. And she has the right to be upset by it, and she is. Freedom indeed. What's the problem here?

 

-yes

[capitald]

She does have the right to walk away and she did and now she lost another man, thats two times already. That may mean she needs to change certain things about herself and by doing so then maybe she will find a better man.

 

I was not defending this man, I don't know anything about him. That doesn't mean however that my advice is not valuable or it does not pertain to some aspect of her problem, it does.

 

I do concede that it takes a while before myself and people like me (i.e. that have self-respect) to feel comfortable with our partner and trust our partner enough to have sex. I do not think it is healthy to hold out on sex just out of fear of losing the other. I hold that most fear is not so much fear of love but of losing love, and the evidence of that is that we know that we can't do anything to change the past and therefore we tend to be very future-directed. Of course, I am talking within limits here, its not a terrible idea to wait to see if this person is going to commit to you before you give of yourself in that intimate of a way, but many people here and in the world in general feel bitterness because they are not getting the love they want.

 

Women tend to blame alot, thats what I see from my perspective, its you, you, you. I think that can possible be because they are the defensive/receptive one to speak pseudo-sexually and males are the offensive/assertive ones.

[yes]

i agree that many people of both genders tend to blame the other one. i agree that it's always a good idea to think abt what i could've done differently.

 

however, in this particular case, it was only 2mo. and he was pressuring her into sex, so i see it a perfectly legit of her to be upset at him and walk away from him.

 

-yes

[longlegzs80]

Let me fill everyone in alittle more on this jerk. He has sent me 2 hateful emails that I am going to post latter on. He liked to use my mistakes that I made in the past with other men on me and he was always belittling me. He is hurtful and a very verbally abusive man, and I am glad I walked out.

 

He acted as if he did not get his way, then he would become very angry with me. Very very angry. And that is when he would say hateful stuff. And I mentioned to him plenty of times when I felt like I could not walk away, that if he is looking for sex, then he needs to go out and get it. I was not ready. I really felt like I wanted too, but something stopped me. And too, I was not going to make him wait for several months, but he had to understand that I wanted to protect myself too as far as pregnancy goes.

 

I am proud of myself for not caving into having sex with him. He was horrible to me, and my mom even had a funny feeling about this guy with some of the stuff he has pulled.

 

CAPITALD: You really really need to consider looking at all my threads. I have tons of them talking about this guy and how he has treated me right from the get go. The thing is I would have slept with him eventually, but he could not wait. And I made it quite clear how I am and what I go by and he was constinitly pressuring me into having sex with him. And I was attracted to him, but the more we dated, the less attractive I found his attitude. I was straight up with this guy and he said that I was making excusses for not having sex with him. They are not excuses. But you know what, the relationship is over and I am going to throw all his **** in the back of his truck as I am leaving work.

 

He was a horrible man. The way he had such anger towards my mom without even meeting her, the way he talked to his 16 year old on the phone with only seeing him once or several times within last year, and the way he would yell at me if he did not get his way.

 

I just can't do this anymore. Be treated with no respect. But, it is over. I did care about him and still have feelings, but he has hurt me too much and now is throwing all the stuff I said to him in my face and switching things around like I am hurting him. Yeah right.

[zarathustra]

Based on your post in this Thread, I can't demonize anyone, here. You're both adults, you've been with him 2 months, he wanted to have sex, you didn't, you walked out and he told you to come back when you're ready for an adult (ie, sexual) relationship.

 

That's not emotional cruelty. He told you how he felt. Nor is the fact that he wanted to have sex with you contemptible. That's what many young adults do.

 

Unless you meet a saint, as opposed to a regular guy, this may happen again.

But it's your body and your decision.

[reasontosigh]

I am proud of myself for not caving into having sex with him.

 

I am proud of you for standing your ground.

 

zarathustra: She is a young adult, but he's not. Note reference to his 16 year old son.

[capitald]

woooh, what zarathustra said was rough but real, I commend him. Thats just it, we are not saints, we need the physical. On the other hand, I feel you can make your needs known without pressuring the girl too much and making them feel like a sex toy. Maybe you need to go away from the tough guy type and more towards the intellectual type, some of them have a little more patience.

[longlegzs80]

NOTE TO THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOT READ ALL MY POSTS:

 

REad the posts. He was verbally abusive. What would you call someone who says after afew weeks of dating that I am abnormal for not having sex with him yet, and that I act weird and strange. He is not a good man. But you would have to read the other posts to figure it out yourself.

 

I am 23, he is 37. He has 2 kids, one he is trying to get custody of and that kid is 5, the other one which he did not tell me about at first is 16 who lives with a mother who is on WELFARE. He was very angry with me. I can't sleep with someone who is going to belittle me and make me feel like sh*t. And as I keep repeating myself, I have made it quite clear to him how I am and he was fine with it, until the last few recent episodes.

[longlegzs80]

Another little note. This guy has way too many things(problems) going on in his life that he needs to take care of first. He is trying to get custody of his 5 year old son that his parents have custody of now, and his life is just a mess. It is almost like he is taking it out on me. All this anger that is building up. And the sex thing which was more pressure to have sex with him then anything and making me feel bad because I was not really ready for it. And yes, I am ready for an adult relationship, just not with a jerk.

[moimeme]

Neither Zara nor capitald have read all the story but yet still feel entitled to spout their opinions, even when a number of us have urged them to acquaint themselves with the story.

 

But hey, why inform yourself about something when a knee-jerk reaction will suffice?

 

Right. It might take a little effort to know what of you speak before you speak.

 

As I said before, some men will make the women wrong no matter how justified the women's complaints. Stay away from this sort.

[reasontosigh]

It is almost like he is taking it out on me. All this anger that is building up

 

I would agree that he is taking it out on you. The anger/frustration is indeed building, and will ultimately escalate.

 

He is trying to get custody of his 5 year old son that his parents have custody of now

 

I have an itchy feeling he's not going to win this one.

[longlegzs80]

I think he will win custody of his kid, but he should have thought better when he took the job up here and moved 10 hours from his son and left him with the grandparents so he can finish his first year of school.

 

I can't think about it though. I really feel so sorry for his son.

[zarathustra]

With the additional info, I agree, the guy is an emotionally abusive jerk. You're good to be rid of him.

 

But your mother/intimacy issues remain.

 

And these issues, depending on their virulence, may interfere with a new relationship with a regular guy.

 

I say "may."