Depressed men impossible to date/like?

[orangelady]

I don't know, but being around long enough on the Internet, I find that sometimes even when there are actually some 'nice' men around, they always seem to be quite depressed and at first it seems okay but slowly reality sets in and it can be quite a turn/put off.

 

For example, with the way they think of themselves, it's hard to like or love them because they don't love themselves in the first place. They are always bringing up any kind of negativity about their situation or themselves and you really wonder if you mean anything to them. Whatever you say never makes them happy. They just sink deeper and deeper. I wonder what it's like to even LIVE with a depressed man. I wish they weren't so depressed.

[Duckduckgoose]

If they don't love themselves they can never love you. They need helps and unless you are a trained psychologist/psychiatrist you can't really help them.

 

Let them sink in their own mire of unhappiness, or at least be someone else's problem.

[dng]

Let them sink in their own mire of unhappiness, or at least be someone else's problem.

 

Yeah, exactly what a depressed guy needs, more rejection.

 

Gees, ladies.

[SingVoice]

I dated someone who was depressed. I CONSTANTLY tried to make him feel good about himself. It never worked. Eventually he just kind of retreated into himself and became incredibly selfish.

 

But on the other hand I dated a depressed guy who based ALL of his happiness on me. It was WAY too much to handle..because to him I was ALWAYS at fault for everything...and for ruining his life.

 

I encouraged BOTH of these men too seek some therapy...and they refused. I encouraged them to take steps to alleviate some of the depression...and they refused. I think some people just have to seek out the help when they are ready.

[somedude81]

It's human nature to want to avoid somebody who is a downer.

 

That's why I'm very careful to never to show any negativity, depression or bitterness when I'm around girls.

 

What these depressed men really need is to be loved.

 

It's so hard to love oneself when nobody even cares about you.

[silic0ntoad]

It's human nature to want to avoid somebody who is a downer.

 

That's why I'm very careful to never to show any negativity, depression or bitterness when I'm around girls.

 

What these depressed men really need is to be loved.

 

It's so hard to love oneself when nobody even cares about you.

 

 

I call shenanigans on this.

 

It's impossible to actually love someone when you despise yourself. You simply adore them for the objects they have that you desire, a very selfish and covetous life style.

 

Men in this situation have had some type of traumatic experience in life that has driven them there. That doesn't mean they don't deserve love and a partner, but they won't actually be able to keep one until they man up and go to therapy.

 

One of the major issues with us as men is our lack of sex identity. Women identify as a community whole. Men do not. We are islands, seperated by our own barriers that protect us as individuals as compared to visualising men as a whole.

 

The reason I point this out is that there is a social disconnect. Example. If a woman says to a male police officer "Men are pigs." he will usually laugh it off and joke about it. If she says "Cops are pigs" he will be angered, because his self identity isn't a man, it's a police officer.

 

This in turn leads to a sectioned and fractured society amongst males. We aren't men, we are police men, firemen, lawers, gamers, etc. When a man becomes depressed, it's a more solitary and personal experience. Not that it isn't to a woman, but since a man identifies with his own achievements as compared to those a woman looks at as a cultural whole, it is singularly more devestating.

 

The man doesn't know how other men will react, thus limiting his support structure, simply because most other men handle things in a completely different fashion.

 

We as men are responsible for this rift, as men's rights has never been something large enough to warrant a unity in the male community. These depressed stags do deserve love and respect to heal, however, until there is a moment of clarity in the male community as a whole, he must do it on his own or in his own way.

 

So yeah, give the guy a break, but at the same time, he isn't worth loving unless he deems himself worthy of that love.

[silvermane187]

Reminds me of a joke.

 

Question: If universities have women's rights classes, why isn't there a men's right class?

 

Answer: They do, it's called history.

 

har har har

[silic0ntoad]

Reminds me of a joke.

 

Question: If universities have women's rights classes, why isn't there a men's right class?

 

Answer: They do, it's called history.

 

har har har

 

 

lol. Men are always left holding their d*cks with nothing to f*ck.

[somedude81]

I call shenanigans on this.

 

It's impossible to actually love someone when you despise yourself. You simply adore them for the objects they have that you desire, a very selfish and covetous life style.

I don't understand that you mean.

 

While I don't think I've ever been in love, I have deeply cared for girls I was interested in. I enjoyed their company.

 

Men in this situation have had some type of traumatic experience in life that has driven them there. That doesn't mean they don't deserve love and a partner, but they won't actually be able to keep one until they man up and go to therapy.

I've been to therapy for several years already. It hasn't done anything for me.

 

What I haven't had yet, is a girl who cares for me. It seems as if my life is incomplete until that can happen.

 

So yeah, give the guy a break, but at the same time, he isn't worth loving unless he deems himself worthy of that love.

And how does he do that?

[carhill]

Hey S_T, good to see you around.

 

I think it's difficult to develop a healthy relationship or friendship with a depressed person, though established relationships and friendships can often weather depression.

 

S_T makes good points about how men process emotions, in general, and how difficult it is as a man to reach out to one's peer group for support. I count myself as lucky to have a few real gems of male friends who stood by me during some dark years. I might opine their love, support and engagement kept me out of a deeper, darker depression. Combined with therapy, they have helped me process death and divorce to a positive place.

 

One acute result of this process is I'm now a lot more sensitive to the signs of depressive behaviors/feelings, both in myself and others and, with enough negative experiences as a 'rescuer', have the toolbox to avoid unhealthy situations and/or emotionally disconnect from situations which would otherwise be unhealthy. For a woman who would deign to date a man exhibiting depressive emotions/behaviors, I would say that is a healthy choice. If that man is otherwise attractive and likeable, perhaps offer distant and occasional support, but without emotional investment.

 

IMO, dating is supposed to be a pleasurable and enjoyable experience. If one or both parties tend to suck the pleasure and joy out of it, that's good information. Try something else

[silvermane187]

lol. Men are always left holding their d*cks with nothing to f*ck.

 

Sometimes the answer is right in the palm of your hand.

[silic0ntoad]

I don't understand that you mean.

 

While I don't think I've ever been in love, I have deeply cared for girls I was interested in. I enjoyed their company.

 

 

I've been to therapy for several years already. It hasn't done anything for me.

 

What I haven't had yet, is a girl who cares for me. It seems as if my life is incomplete until that can happen.

 

 

And how does he do that?

 

In response to your first remarks, I will pose this question. Look at the girls you've dated, and try to note any trends. Do you see them?

 

Try dating outside of this box. You will be pleasantly surprised.

 

I've been in therapy also. From what you said, I am thinking you're putting too much effort into this. Just because you desire another person to care for you doesn't mean you NEED that to be complete. Once you let that go, and start taking care of you, it seems that's when the one you'll be with for a long time finds YOU.

 

If you're sitting there daily thinking "I need a partner, etc." then you're destined to fail. You're putting too much of your buck into it for no bang. Reassess your life and change it to more fit what you NEED, and stop worrying so much about someone being there. In the end, we ALL die alone.

 

In response to your final question, how? Well, that's up to you. You may be in therapy. You may have dated tons of girls. You may have an awesome job. You may have tons of friends.

 

What about a support network? Most of us men identify with our careers or hobby achievments with a sense of pride. Assess this area of your life. Do NEW things. Expand your hobby base. Get active politically or physically, or both. You HAVE to expand that skull of yours so so much of your time is not devoted to pining over the desire for a relationship.

 

If the depression is caused by things OTHER then a break up or lack of relationship, well, you've got to confront whatever it is. If it's a sh*tty job, lack of friends, whatever, WE ALL KNOW THE ANSWER. WE ALL ALSO KNOW THE RIGHT THING TO DO. THE HARDEST PART IS DOING IT.

 

So, no, I don't know exactly what YOU have to do, for your situation. I could take a stab and guess that you're depressed because you got left, you have no identity beyond your past relationship, and you are now alone and depressed. Otherwise, you wouldn't be here. If that's the case, you need to be open and answer those questions for yourself. Do new things. Make new friends. Get a new job. Stop being a whiny doormat and get sh*t done.

[silic0ntoad]

Hey S_T, good to see you around.

 

I think it's difficult to develop a healthy relationship or friendship with a depressed person, though established relationships and friendships can often weather depression.

 

S_T makes good points about how men process emotions, in general, and how difficult it is as a man to reach out to one's peer group for support. I count myself as lucky to have a few real gems of male friends who stood by me during some dark years. I might opine their love, support and engagement kept me out of a deeper, darker depression. Combined with therapy, they have helped me process death and divorce to a positive place.

 

One acute result of this process is I'm now a lot more sensitive to the signs of depressive behaviors/feelings, both in myself and others and, with enough negative experiences as a 'rescuer', have the toolbox to avoid unhealthy situations and/or emotionally disconnect from situations which would otherwise be unhealthy. For a woman who would deign to date a man exhibiting depressive emotions/behaviors, I would say that is a healthy choice. If that man is otherwise attractive and likeable, perhaps offer distant and occasional support, but without emotional investment.

 

IMO, dating is supposed to be a pleasurable and enjoyable experience. If one or both parties tend to suck the pleasure and joy out of it, that's good information. Try something else

 

 

Hey Carhill, the feeling is mutual. Been busy actually working and not visiting websites lately.

 

Sagely advice as usual, however. And I would agree with every point you've made.

 

how are things on your end?

[somedude81]

In response to your first remarks, I will pose this question. Look at the girls you've dated, and try to note any trends. Do you see them?

 

Try dating outside of this box. You will be pleasantly surprised.

I haven't dated.

 

In my 29 years of life, I have been on three first dates. Excluding friendships where I was infatuated and ultimately rejected; I have never gotten further with women.

I've been in therapy also. From what you said, I am thinking you're putting too much effort into this. Just because you desire another person to care for you doesn't mean you NEED that to be complete. Once you let that go, and start taking care of you, it seems that's when the one you'll be with for a long time finds YOU.

 

If you're sitting there daily thinking "I need a partner, etc." then you're destined to fail. You're putting too much of your buck into it for no bang. Reassess your life and change it to more fit what you NEED, and stop worrying so much about someone being there. In the end, we ALL die alone.

I know I'm putting too much effort into it. But it's literally driving me insane. I'm so tired of being the lonely loser. In my family, all my older cousins are married with children. And now I have two younger cousins who just got engaged to their S.O's.

 

There is only one thing I really want in this world and I've wanted it since I was 16. I felt like I committed some horrible act in a past life that prevents me from finding happiness in this one.

 

Sure we all die alone. But we shouldn't live alone. I cannot imagine spending the next 50 years of my life by myself. If a time traveler or fortune teller told me that would happen and they had no reason to mislead me. I end it without a second thought.

In response to your final question, how? Well, that's up to you. You may be in therapy. You may have dated tons of girls. You may have an awesome job. You may have tons of friends.

 

If the depression is caused by things OTHER then a break up or lack of relationship, well, you've got to confront whatever it is. If it's a sh*tty job, lack of friends, whatever, WE ALL KNOW THE ANSWER. WE ALL ALSO KNOW THE RIGHT THING TO DO. THE HARDEST PART IS DOING IT.

For as much as I could figure out, my depression is caused by a lack of relationships. None of the therapists I've had really told me what the cause was.

 

Rewording a popular saying of Homer Simpson, I get, "Women, the cause of and solution to, all of life's problems."

 

I really wish I could get into a relationship and find out if is the reason for my depression. If after dating and sleeping with a girl for a while, and I'm still sad, then I'll at least know I can cross that off my list as a solution.

Edited April 1, 2011 by somedude81

[silic0ntoad]

I haven't dated.

 

In my 29 years of life, I have been on three first dates. Excluding friendships where I was infatuated and ultimately rejected; I have never gotten further with women.

I know I'm putting too much effort into it. But it's literally driving me insane. I'm so tired of being the lonely loser. In my family, all my older cousins are married with children. And now I have two younger cousins who just got engaged to their S.O's.

 

There is only one thing I really want in this world and I've wanted it since I was 16. I felt like I committed some horrible act in a past life that prevents me from finding happiness in this one.

 

Sure we all die alone. But we shouldn't live alone. I cannot imagine spending the next 50 years of my life by myself. If a time traveler or fortune teller told me that would happen and they had no reason to mislead me. I end it without a second thought.

For as much as I could figure out, my depression is caused by a lack of relationships. None of the therapists I've had really told me what the cause was.

 

Rewording a popular saying of Homer Simpson, I get, "Women, the cause of and solution to, all of life's problems."

 

I really wish I could get into a relationship and find out if is the reason for my depression. If after dating and sleeping with a girl for a while, and I'm still sad, then I'll at least know I can cross that off my list as a solution.

 

 

Well, then, to put it bluntly, if you KNOW you're putting too much effort into it, then you clearly don't understand the reprocussions. Women know when a guy becomes infatuated. You have to stop this obsession. If you want to be alone for the next 50 years, reassess yourself, your hobbies and your friends, as well as this utterly unhealthy desire for a relationship, otherwise you WILL be alone.

 

Who cares who else is getting married? You're not female. You have no biological clock. It'll happen when it happens brotha, and until then, it's only YOU and YOU alone that actually even matter.

[orangelady]

Yeah, exactly what a depressed guy needs, more rejection.

 

Gees, ladies.

 

No, THEY reject us.

[carhill]

how are things on your end?

 

Best friend and I are re-roofing my office this weekend. Starting on the house next week. This is re-model year

 

Part of being depressed, even situationally, was a dearth of desire to finish anything. Big complaint of my exW. So, now, free of such influences, I've got about five years worth of projects to do. Life is good if a bit frugal for now.

 

When in MC, even though my exW placed depression on the table, our psychologist didn't give me that out, feeling I was functional to do the work. I thank him, silently, every day for that

[westernxer]

I don't know, but being around long enough on the Internet, I find that sometimes even when there are actually some 'nice' men around, they always seem to be quite depressed and at first it seems okay but slowly reality sets in and it can be quite a turn/put off.

 

For example, with the way they think of themselves, it's hard to like or love them because they don't love themselves in the first place. They are always bringing up any kind of negativity about their situation or themselves and you really wonder if you mean anything to them. Whatever you say never makes them happy. They just sink deeper and deeper. I wonder what it's like to even LIVE with a depressed man. I wish they weren't so depressed.

 

How old are these depressed men?

[johan]

It's not as much true that when you don't love yourself then you can't love someone else. You could.

 

What kills the relationship is the fact that you can't accept love from someone else. If you don't believe you can be loved, then you never believe they love you. And that means there's always a wall there that they can't get through.

 

Not to mention you might be distracted enough with your own problems that you're not able to properly express your feelings for them.

[somedude81]

I think I'm very much capable for feeling love from somebody.

 

When I get attention it feels very good. So I don't see how I can't accept love.

 

I want the chance to feel love and give love.

[johan]

I think I'm very much capable for feeling love from somebody.

 

Maybe you are. But if you base that judgment on...

 

When I get attention it feels very good. So I don't see how I can't accept love.

 

Then you probably have no real idea whether you can or not. Feeling good when you get attention is not equal to accepting love from someone.

 

I want the chance to feel love and give love.

 

Who doesn't?

[threebyfate]

I don't know, but being around long enough on the Internet, I find that sometimes even when there are actually some 'nice' men around, they always seem to be quite depressed and at first it seems okay but slowly reality sets in and it can be quite a turn/put off.

 

For example, with the way they think of themselves, it's hard to like or love them because they don't love themselves in the first place. They are always bringing up any kind of negativity about their situation or themselves and you really wonder if you mean anything to them. Whatever you say never makes them happy. They just sink deeper and deeper. I wonder what it's like to even LIVE with a depressed man. I wish they weren't so depressed.

Avoid the Internet as a dating tool, if you can. The normal guys rarely use the Internet as a way to meet chicks.

 

Don't fall into the trap of trying to fix someone. They'll suck you dry.

[somedude81]

Maybe you are. But if you base that judgment on...

 

Then you probably have no real idea whether you can or not. Feeling good when you get attention is not equal to accepting love from someone.

Honestly, it's something I haven't experienced yet.

 

Though I don't see any reason why I would be incapable of accepting love simply because I'm depressed.

 

I haven't been in a relationship yet, so I really don't know what would happen.

[orangelady]

It's human nature to want to avoid somebody who is a downer.

 

That's why I'm very careful to never to show any negativity, depression or bitterness when I'm around girls.

 

What these depressed men really need is to be loved.

 

 

 

It's so hard to love oneself when nobody even cares about you.

 

Yes I understand this. I don't exactly love myself, MrDude. But I know I do get excited if I meet someone I like and he loves me back. Problem is, with depressed guys, they are often not happy. So whatever you want to do for them doesn't please them. It's worse when they don't want to work and say they are too depressed to work.

 

I think you can still love someone if you don't love yourself. I think it's possible. I don't expect a guy to have the world's confidence in himself. But be considerate...and when you find a girl, at least try to be happy. If not, I don't think he is ready to be in a relationship.

 

 

No, I experienced this is not true. (about what they really need to be is loved.) I've actually tried to love this one guy who suffered from depression. At first I thought it was because his ex wife cheated on him and some job circumstance. But after a year of showering him with love and just adoring him to bits, he was still depressed. He tells me he needs me but he said he still suffers from depression. He says "I'm not depressed, but I have depression."

 

*facepalm* I really don't know what the hell he means by this. I've tried to understand but he says things that are not meant to be understood? I don't know. I think depression comes in the way of two genuine people who wants to be in love. That's why it's so important to try to overcome depression.

Edited April 2, 2011 by orangelady

[orangelady]

Yes I understand this. I don't exactly love myself, MrDude. But I know I do get excited if I meet someone I like and he loves me back. Problem is, with depressed guys, they are often not happy. So whatever you want to do for them doesn't please them. It's worse when they don't want to work and say they are too depressed to work.

 

I think you can still love someone if you don't love yourself. I think it's possible. I don't expect a guy to have the world's confidence in himself. But be considerate...and when you find a girl, at least try to be happy. If not, I don't think he is ready to be in a relationship.

 

 

No, I experienced this is not true. (about what they really need to be is loved.) I've actually tried to love this one guy who suffered from depression. At first I thought it was because his ex wife cheated on him and some job circumstance. But after a year of showering him with love and just adoring him to bits, he was still depressed. He tells me he needs me but he said he still suffers from depression. He says "I'm not depressed, but I have depression."

 

*facepalm* I really don't know what the hell he means by this. I've tried to understand but he says things that are not meant to be understood? I don't know. I think depression comes in the way of two genuine people who wants to be in love. That's why it's so important to try to overcome depression.

 

I haven't dated.

 

 

Rewording a popular saying of Homer Simpson, I get, "Women, the cause of and solution to, all of life's problems."

 

 

I'm a woman and I feel it can be the other way round for me. "Men, the cause of and solution to, all of life's problems." - OrangeLady

 

By the way, I do think you're a very interesting person. I wish I could talk to you or write to you one to one. I'd like to exchange some thoughts with you as I'm also kind of stuck in some ways, but differently. Only problem is, they don't let me send private messages to you.