Trying to making everything better

[FiendAlice]

I just... need some words of advice or observation.

My boyfriend and I have been together for six months. I live in the UK and he lives in the States. I'm a few years older and we're in our early 20's.

 

I'm not sure what sort of advice I'm after, but our relationship is plagued by the usual pros and cons of long distance. We've met a few times which is always great fun but some issues never seem to end and I mean for both of us. Like most people I really want to fix these probs to filter out the crap.

 

I never want to hurt him. He's a decent guy and is very good to me - the ultimate sweetheart most of the time. This would hurt him but honestly I'm trying to help our relationship here.

 

First off, I love spending time with him in person and when we're having fun over Skype. I am 90% sure I love him and know I don't want to lose him. If things ended he'd not want to remain friends, I know that much. I've never been so compatible or into a guy. He adores me to bits and is sometimes a bit sensitive and overly romantic which doesn't fit my personality. We do click perfectly most days but at times we differ in mood or what we feel like doing. Here's some of the basic problems/history, skimmable:

 

Issue one. I lost an older sibling earlier this year to a long and deteriorative cancer, I was with him when he passed, too. It's almost entirely killed my sex drive over the months and left me a bit numb inside. Obviously I was spending time with my family after this occured which bugged him. He's never experienced loss in any form. In one instance he said how he understood what we both needed to do - that I needed time with my family and that he needed to "give me space until this is all over" because he didn't feel that he made me feel better.

The worst thing he did was ask for phone sex a mere week after it happened. This was a couple of weeks before our visit and it strained us badly - I wanted to end it at that point because every conversation was sheer frustration or over-analysing misery. But despite the pain I knew how much he loves me. I've not visited him yet since I don't have the funds or a passport but he was determined to visit and doesn't want to go more than three months without visiting else he'll get even more down about the distance. His family paid for his visits and I couldn't convince him to postpone. He's even left me money for the next trip which I'm reluctant to use.

 

Issue two. He is clingy and has trust issues. Now, I have no trust issues and dislike that he really believes every woman cheats and that no guy friend should be trusted - ever - as though everyone is basically a whore. I have been the clingy sort in the past with my exes but having now been on both sides I understand the need for time alone and with friends. He seems to want to spend every minute of the day together and at times I worry he'll neglect his school work which is straight As. He has years left of a doctorate program too and wants me to move there in his "apartment" of his parents house.

 

Three. His sex drive is high. Before he visited I made it clear I didn't want to have sex and we'd not be sharing a bed since I live at home with my old-fashioned mum and it's disrespectful. When I first said this he said "Then what's the point in visiting?" which he then backtracked on since it irritated me. He says that 50% of relationships are based on sex.

We ended up doing stuff - which I guess in person just happens, and it's fine, but a few nights I really wasn't in the mood and he guilt-tripped me over the fact. Basically he said he didn't realise from the early days that I would turn out to be a prude and we were sat for an hour on this topic. I exploded and told him I didn't give a damn anymore and almost threw a photo album of my bro in his face, going to leave. He stopped me and we talked but I was (and still kinda am) angry that I'm just expected to share his sex drive. Especially after such a horrible year watching my bro deteriorate and literally watching him die before my eyes. I'm never in the mood really. There seems to be no solution to this. I can't just do it because he wants to.

 

This brings up issue four. Attraction. The photos he showed me early on were old, and he's gained weight since, not loads but basically I'm attracted to his personality more than his looks. He's crazy about mine but at times he brings up the issue and I find it really awkward and almost like he's trying to catch me out or delve at something I say. I always feel like I need to be careful how I phrase everything in case he gets worked up reading into it. He also bitches about my weight even though he's overweight. He's started working out routinely so perhaps this issue will pass.

 

Five. The future. I was originally okay with moving over there but after everything I really don't want to leave my family. I'm at a dilemma with visiting him as well as I've yet to go all the way with him (or anyone actually) and he really expects it at this point. I have issues for no reason but he doesn't really respect those reasons either. Claims "it's not a real thing". His entire attitude about it pretty much disappoints me. I know he won't wait forever either. Am I supposed to just do things because it feels right for him? To keep him?

 

Six. Remnants of feelings for an ex I once loved a lot. Nothing would come of it, he broke my heart a couple of years ago and I suppose I didn't get a chance to get over it before this relationship begun. But we're now on speaking terms, although we've never talked about what happened or much about our personal lives. I did make a few threads about him in the distant past. My username may have been sm0ked. The last guy couldn't cope with my temper or issues like my now boyfriend.

 

Seven. I want children and I don't think he does. We have discussed it but I think deep down he doesn't want them and is saying what he knows I need to hear.

 

 

Some nights I get very cranky with him, especially when he starts talking about relationship matters or the above stuff happens. Sometimes constant analysis and disharmony.

 

I'm just very lost and feeling to blame for everything, being irritable and difficult as always. Perhaps he is as well. This would be so much easier if we lived close.

Edited April 1, 2011 by FiendAlice