Unhappy259 Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 Hi! This may be a long one so be patient. I am with my girlfriend for a year and a half now. Things were just fine until last fall. She is by nature a bit paranoic. She has many fears and that fall she got the idea (very much unfound) that she got aids. We've both gone through testing and everything turned out fine (it was a foliculitis), but the whole thing was quite traumatic..even for me who knew she had nothing to fear about. That took a month to settle. I forgot to say, before that she stopped taking here contraceptive pills (she took a pause cause they hurt her eyes). We didn't have much luck with condoms in the begining (they for some reason broke quite often), so after stopping taking here contraceptive pills she developed a fear from sex (better to say from unwanted pregnancy) as she did not have much confidence in condoms. Needless to say aids-fear only made it worse. After it was all over somewhere at the begining of this year she once again developed some foliculitis and infection..probably due to stress...Our complete lack of physical contact remaind. And as such is now going into it's 6th month. Now...I never rushed her. But she somehow lacks the will to resolve the issue. She is alweys preoccupied with here school (faculty) as she studies for about 10 to 12 hours a day...each day....Between her exams she has about 3-5 days of rest during which she mostly rests and sleeps (which I can understand). During those past 6 months I've apparently become somewhat possesive in nature. This is from her mouth. Now this may be true. This possesvness manifests in me being sad when we do not see each other (we used to see each other every day) or smth like that. And yes I am sad. Why? Beacuse with each exam I oly get the fealing she is studying even harder. From dawn till dusk...When we do see each other in the evening for about hour and a half or two she is always tired and many times sleeps (don0't get me wrong I love sleeping beside her)......She never wants to go out during the day as she has to study. She never takes a day off...She has put her school in the first place no matter what and I got a fealing she is negolecting us. Therefore I suppose it is possible I am sometimes somewhat possesive or I appear so when I am sad when she wants to be alone and sleep for the evening...I am sad beacuse I see rather little of her. It wasn't always like that...but things are getting worse. I talked to her about this, but somehow in the end I felt quilty for mentioning anything as she understood it as an attack. I really love her... I really mean it. It' not a flame. We are both now at the end of our school (faculty) so we are somewhat mature to know to differentiate what is love and what isn't. I really have the fealing that I could spend my entire life with this girl....but...but i do not what to do. She says she loves me ..and I beleive her. But she doesn't want to change her daily routine which leaves little place for anything else. Most of this is caused by her parents who are not wealthy and always complain she has to finish school as soon as possible. She then feals obligated to them to do exactly that no matter what the cost is. She also suffers physiclly because of all the stress the exams cause to her. She acknowledges this...but with little effect. As I sid before..it wasn't always like that. She used to study more moderately. She used to go out..We used to go out...We even had a very very active sex life. Now this last is not that relevant, but it is hard to be with someone you really love and not being able to express it in a physical way. We don't even kiss like we used to do. And every my attempt cuddle a bit..make out or smth comes to a wall.... She has just put everything aside and set the only goal...to finish school..o matter what she neglects in the proccess. As I said I tryed to talk to her, but in the end I felt quilty and turned out to be a possesive guy...as she said. She said hat I should understand if she wants to be occasionally alone..or if she wants to go out with her friends alone. ANd I do understand that. I really do. At least I did...Now I'm a little said... WHat to do? Leave her alone and not bringing the subject up? Just trying to make the best of the situation? I don't intend to leave her..But I'm afraid she, inspite that she loves me..which I have no doubt about, might leave me if I press to the subject. You must understand. One can get by one month..two months...even three months of such regime. Non-stop studying and leaving very little time for us...But it's now in its sixth month... Please tell me something...anything.... Link to post Share on other sites
Karlise Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 This is very sad. Does SHE feel there is a problem? Does she miss the cuddling, kissing and sexual contact? Or does she seem just fine with it all? There are some people on this planet who do not have high sex drives. Trust me, I dated a couple of them. Sex and physical contact may be very low down on her list of priorities. You need to have an open, honest discussion about how you are feeling. If she gets angry or refuses to listen to you, then she obviously has some serious issues in this area. Some women who have a history of abuse or trauma may be afraid of physical contact. I would suggest couples counseling for you guys. Let her know your relationship is hanging by a thread if things are not resolved soon. I know myself I can't go without physical attention. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Unhappy259 Posted April 4, 2004 Author Share Posted April 4, 2004 No..that's not it...If you read carefully you'll notice that I wrote we are in a relationship for a year and a half now. Problems on the physicall part started some 5 months ago. Objective problems, but problems that can be dealt with. But it seems to me she is still putting school in front of those problems...Prior to that we had a very active sex life for almost a year. But don't get me wrong...it's not about sex. I could do without that...There are other types of physicall closeness...but we are missing all of them...But that even isn't the main problem. What hurts me the most is her resolution to put school in front of everything..I suppose even me. Which results in a very large amount of stress to her (mainly as a product of very little sleep. She studies from about 5:30AM to 4 PM) and as such reflects on us..... Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 I'm thinking the best person to help here would be her doctor, who ought to speak to her and her parents. Putting school first is one thing, but not to the point where she's going to burn herself out. That is, if she doesn't collapse from exhaustion first. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Unhappy259 Posted April 4, 2004 Author Share Posted April 4, 2004 I don't think she'll listen. In our today's conversation (which resulted in me writing here cause I don't know what to do) she said it was her choice ad she doesn't think that is a bad thing (putting school above all)...And that she knows she is hard to be with...that many have tryed to change her..ANd that every relationship eventually broke down because people could not put up with that regime any more. What to say to that...She admits to some extent that that is a problem but says she does not have the time or strength to resolve the issue.... Now I'm sitting here in my boring room...it's just another rainy sunday afternoon...I'm wasting my time I got nothing to do....i'm just thinking of her... And now I even got a job that requires me to work until 8:30 PM two times a week. Thath even fruther limits are options since she goes to bed at 9:30PM.... Well she just called to come to her...maybe we'll resolve something...at least I hope..although I don't think I'll bring anything up...I',m boring to myself just keep saying the same thing.... Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 .......We are both now at the end of our school..... How much longer till she graduates? I tried to find it in the other posts - sorry if I didn't see it, but the quote above was the only reference I could find. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 Some school programmes are very demanding and some students have to work extra hard to keep up. In this case, I'm afraid, you will have to adjust your expectation. This is a temporary situation; when she's graduated she won't need to do this any more but she feels she does now. If she takes time away from her studies and gets poorer marks, she'll be angry with you. It's like a wife with a husband who has to work many hours on a special project. Find something else to do with your time and enjoy her when she can spend time with you. This is about her future success and she is working hard to ensure it. You should understand and support her rather than making demands. It's not as though she's spending time with other friends or partying or anything else. If she were, then I'd say you have a legitimate grievance, but it's about study, and that's a very different matter. Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 You are right, moi. I'm actually more concerned about her health. I read something a while back about burnout issues facing med students/residents, and I think that's what is setting off my alarm here. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 4, 2004 Share Posted April 4, 2004 I read something a while back about burnout issues facing med students/residents, and I think that's what is setting off my alarm here. I agree, but that's a separate issue. Certainly bf should suggest to her that she might burn herself out, but putting pressure on her to see him won't help; it only adds to the stress. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Unhappy259 Posted April 4, 2004 Author Share Posted April 4, 2004 I'm not pressuring her to see me...It's not about me..it's about us....She has some 4 exams till she graduates... I see an analogy with traffic accidents...People tend to drive very very fast just to gain few minutes of their time and by doing that they risk their lives. I'd say she is burning herself out just to gain some 2-3 months and by doing that she is risking a breakdown and also distances herself from me....ad from everybody else... You see this troubles me for some time now and I always told myself..let it go..just this exam..just this one more exam...But the truth is...there are 4 exams, but what comes after? Work? Tedious routing from 9 to 5 which will feel I'm afraid just the same... I don't know...I guess the problem is I'm of the type of person who thinks there is more to life than career and success at work. She used to be that person also.... The worst part is that I know deep inside she is not happy with that...Sometimes she says it's her choice and as such she does that cause she wants to...But when she was said she told me she knows it isn't good...problem is she doesn't seem to want or is able to change this.. Well anyway....I think I'll let this go for the time being...I also am under stress now and can't deal with this many things at this time.... Thank you all for your advice...and I appologize for my poor grammar...I was writing in a hurry and under stress.... Best of luck to all of you.... Link to post Share on other sites
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