Trying to hold it together with WW

[Binster]

I'd be puting a keylogger on the computor, straight away.

Good luck pal.

[Windsurf66]

OP,

 

It is likely that she has f*** her OM.

 

The lack of remorse is a deal-beaker. She needs you for the money, hence stringing you along. Probably the OM refuses to divorce for her. Her depression is likely due to the withdrawal from the OM.

 

If she is not communicating with you, not disclosing everything that has happened with the OM, not working on the marriage, not giving you her passwords, not having sex with you, there is only one clear pathway to take, that is to proceed with the divorce.

 

Trust me, she is just buying time. Do not trust her, until you see full disclosure of her password, full admission of what happened, full commitment towards the marriage, and sincere remorse. If any of these are missing, divorce her.

 

For now, the immediate thing to do is to cut off the money supply to her and regain your power in the marriage. Put pressure on her everyday in all aspects and escalate the pressure until she breaks down.

[moonlight4]

Please click one of the Quick Reply icons in the posts above to activate Quick Reply.

[moonlight4]

Your story is somewhat similiar to mine. However, I as the woman had an affair on my husband several months ago. My H reaction has been damn hard, and rightly so, I deserve everything he says to me. I really feel his pain everyday because of what I did to our marriage and three children. I tell my H every day how remorseful I am, and I pray that he believes me that I truly love him with all my heart.

 

I have lost the right for privacy, he has access to everything I have, he needs to know where I am going, who I am going out with etc. I have to demonstrate that I am trust worthy again.

 

Yes, there is a fog at the beginning, it may take several weeks for her to feel as though it has lifted.

 

She has to show that she is remorseful, and that she wants to rebuild her marriage with you, and she needs to tell her story of the affair, you need to hear all the details, it will be painful for both of you, but it needs to be told (or written). The lies will keep the affair alive, she has to face up to what she has done to you, until then there is not much to work on.

 

Wishing you the best of luck whatever you choose

[blueeyes74]

I am nothing like your wife, but as a women who has thought about having an affair I can share with you why. She may be out of love with you and doesn't know how to tell you. She may love you but may not be in love with you. Sounds cliche I know, but it does hold some validity. Maybe she doesn't even know that herself. She does sound kind of spoiled and selfish, which I can't relate to at all, but it sounds like she's fallen out of love with you and perhaps doesn't care to figure out how to fall back in love. I think that can be done. But both parties have to want it. I feel very badly for you. I can pretty much agree with everyone's posts. What I don't understand is why if you divorce her she would get everything?

Good luck, I hope that whatever the outcome is that you will feel some peace from it.

[Decimated]

I would be happy if she could say "I'm sorry" once. She can't seem to do it. She even claims that she apologized already…nonsense.

 

Last night after the kids were in bed I tried to talk to her one last time about why she won't show me her email inbox the other night. She immediately got defensive and said "what for…there is nothing in there" Than she fired back a question to me wanting to know how come my personal bank account statements don't come in the mail anymore. I told her that it is all on line now…no need to waste paper. Indecently, her statements for her personal account are on line only as well…double standard. Then she wanted to know if I paid a monthly fee for the GPS tracker that I used to find out about her affair with. I responded no and asked "why are you turning this conversation around on me?" She got a furious look on her face but did not respond.

 

I calmly made a second request…show me your email inbox. I don't want to read all of your messages I just want to see who they are from. She said no. "There is nothing in there" and to stop pressing her on that. She said that she will not show me her email or exchange passwords either. I said "if there is nothing in there than why won't you show me?" she said "I don't want to, I need some sort of privacy"

 

Last week I had emailed her 3 different articles about regaining trust in marriages after infidelity. I asked her if she even bothered to read them…she said no.

 

I then asked her to talk to me about the affair and why it happened. She said "I'm not talking about it" I explained that I needed to begin to understand how and why it happened. I told her that I wanted to forgive her but I needed to trust her first. Before I can trust her I need to know what happened and why.

 

I told her that our marriage will have no chance of surviving if she doesn’t become open, honest, and transparent with me. I also explained that her unwillingness to talk about the affair is keeping me in constant emotional pain and turmoil and allows my imagination to run wild and assume a lot of things that may not have actually happened. I told her that anything she could possibly say couldn't be worse that I have already imagined. I explained that I would just listen. I would not judge her or get upset. I even told her anything she say would not drive me away that I am committed to working on rebuilding our marriage. She said again "I'm not talking about it...at least right now" She also said "as far as I'm concerned it is in the past."

 

I told her that it is not in the past for me because I don't know much about it.

 

I summarized our conversation to her by saying:

You won't show me your email inboxes.

You won't exchange passwords.

You won't talk about the affair.

What do you expect me to do?

 

No response from her.

 

I then told her that I was sick of being her doormat and money tree. I said I needed to feel respected, loved, valued, desired, and appreciated in this marriage. I then told her that I don't feel any of these things in our marriage.

 

 

Keep in mind. Through 95% of the conversation she was typing and looking at her laptop and I did 99% of the talking.

 

After last night I am left with little hope for us.

[Decimated]

What I don't understand is why if you divorce her she would get everything?

Good luck, I hope that whatever the outcome is that you will feel some peace from it.

 

It is an exaggeration of course but she has never bothered to apply herself in any career or even full time employment. The difference in our incomes is so vast that I would be paying major spousal support. Child support for 3 children and 1/2 half of all marital assets. No fault divorce state.

Edited April 6, 2011 by Decimated

[What_Next]

Decimated, if her reactions are as you say they are then you already know what you must do. There is no remorse, none. There is no admission that she must help repair what SHE chose to do. There is simply nothing to build upon.

 

Money is money, it is what it is. I personally don't believe you will be living in a box if you divorce her. Find an attorney and do what you must.

[mark982]

decimated, as one poster on here suggested, keylogger. there's always one way around things. But to me, it sounds like ur marriage is toast. And i do find it awful funny about your wife inquiring about your bank statements. To me she's getting seriously ready to make some changes that your not going to like. i would start doing my best to protect myself.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

Just a random question here! Can you not leave your home for a little while...just to get your head on straight..and most of all hers? Sounds like shes still hiding tons of things from you..and is in this so called fog. Let her be for awhile. There is no point in even communicating with her at this point. She's too self indulged to even bother engaging in these type of reconiliation conversations.

 

Be the man..step up and step out of the situation all together. Maybe then she'll realize what she's about to lose. Don't contact her unless it pertains to the kids only!

[ver13]

You can't make someone do something that they don't want to do ie... feel remorse either she doe's or doesen't. You may need to lead this horse out of the barn an set her free to graze on her own. It looks like she's not happy with all the good things that your relationship offers so let her move on. The 180 only works if the other person gives a D**n trust me I know this for a fact.

[Memphis Raines]

I summarized our conversation to her by saying:

You won't show me your email inboxes.

You won't exchange passwords.

You won't talk about the affair.

What do you expect me to do?

 

No response from her.

 

she expects you to shut up about it and leave her alone so she can get away with more of the same later.

 

she doesn't care about your pain or concerns. all she cares about is getting away with what she is doing.

 

maybe you'll get a response from her if you tell her you have an appointment to see an attorney

 

 

Keep in mind. Through 95% of the conversation she was typing and looking at her laptop and I did 99% of the talking.

 

After last night I am left with little hope for us.

 

I say can her.

[Decimated]

I am nothing like your wife, but as a women who has thought about having an affair I can share with you why. She may be out of love with you and doesn't know how to tell you. She may love you but may not be in love with you. Sounds cliche I know, but it does hold some validity. Maybe she doesn't even know that herself. She does sound kind of spoiled and selfish, which I can't relate to at all, but it sounds like she's fallen out of love with you and perhaps doesn't care to figure out how to fall back in love. I think that can be done. But both parties have to want it. I feel very badly for you. I can pretty much agree with everyone's posts. What I don't understand is why if you divorce her she would get everything?

Good luck, I hope that whatever the outcome is that you will feel some peace from it.

 

blueeyes74

I have thought of this as well. I have asked her many times if she loved me and if she was in love with me. She has always answered yes. I have asked her many times if she was in love with the OM...she always says no except one time early in the affair discovery process she said "I don't know". I have offered to hold the door open for her if she wishes to leave. I have offered to file for "D" so she would not have that part of the guilt. She always says no. That's all I have to go on.

[ComputerJock]

I wouldn't listen to a single word she says, she is already out the door and is planning on taking you for everything she can. You've been on this site, if she doesn't want regain your trust then she is on her way out the door to be with OM. Wake up and smell the turds.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hard 180 instantly or D.

 

Your choice. You got a tough one here. You can break the fog but you are going to have to prove and expose, is OM attached to anyone else in any way?

 

Dude it is harsh to lose that income but seriously, what a slap from her.:mad:

 

Start taking care of only household things for now with no extra spending for her. Cancel joint credit cards etc etc etc.

 

Get to an attorney and start making moves.

 

**** her privacy, she lost that.

 

This thread reminded me about all of the transparency stuff so I told my husband all of his emails, new and old and all passwords. Bing! Within a short time frame and he even gave me the number to his Money Mart mailbox.

 

She knows that you cave because you want her there.

 

You need to scoop your power back, bluntly forthrightly. One step is all you need to get the ball rolling.

 

She needs to lose the fog, or you need to lose her.

 

I almost never have to give the guy the scorched Earth lecture on here. Get to it!

 

Start getting everything joint cancelled and anything with your name on it that is strictly for her starts going back asap. Lawyer up, you are in for it.:mad::bunny::mad::bunny: (Bunnies are for support, they are angry bunnies.)

[Decimated]

Hard 180 instantly or D.

 

Your choice. You got a tough one here. You can break the fog but you are going to have to prove and expose, is OM attached to anyone else in any way?

 

)

 

Yes, he's married with 2 kids. But from what I understand they want to divorce. They have been living separate lives for years...stayed together for the kids.

[RobD70]

You are wasting your time talking to her, she is not interested in appeasing you and doesn’t appear to even like you.

 

You need to stop with all the questions to shift gears. You are not going to talk her back into the relationship and she’s not going to “wake up “ on her own. She doesn’t care about your feelings or wants, all she cares for is herself and you are just in the way.

 

It’s time for actions. Shut down all communications and stop acting like you care anymore (she apparently doesn’t). Get your affairs in order and prepare to file for a divorce. You don’t have to actually go through with the divorce but she doesn’t need to know that. You need to stand up for yourself and show you will not be disrespected. She walks all over you because you let her and act all needy. Man up and show her you don’t need her and if anything wakes her up it will be that.

[gottogetaname]

"Yes, he's married with 2 kids. But from what I understand they want to divorce. They have been living separate lives for years...stayed together for the kids."

 

Who told you this Decimated? Do not believe a word she says. Decimated, you need to grow a pair sir. Your wife is walking all over you with zero consequences. Woman do not respect doormats. You need to let the OM's wife know now! I am ceratain that she does not know they want to divorce and have been living seperate lives. If you would like to see a trainwreck up close, tell the wife and watch him throw your wife under the bus. Do not let her know you are going to do this, JUST DO IT.

 

Your wife is a piece of tail for him, that is all, but your wife is emotionally tied up in the fantasy. You need to cowboy up and kill the fantasy, the clock is ticking. She has one foot out the door.

 

Please Decimated, man up and tell the OM's wife. You will see rage that you never thought possible from your wife, do not buy into, when she is raging, ask her if she would like a drink of water and smile. Kill it now sir.

 

You need to get a plan and quik D. The quickest way to kill this thing is to expose far and wide. Heck, let all familiy members in on the fun as well. Wake her lazy azz up, and quick. Also, listen to the others, get a keylogger on that computer asap.

Edited April 7, 2011 by gottogetaname

[Steadfast]

You have received good advice about how to move forward Decimated, so there's little reason for me to add in more. This message is for you.

 

Someone told me once to not feel bad about feeling bad. See, that's part of the struggle; the second guessing, the wondering what you could have, or should do. So far, your reaction to her is what 99.9% of loving husbands would do. You want to make it, you love her. What is the deal?

 

The deal is her.

 

I could type many paragraphs describing what she's doing and why. I don't have to know her. Your wife's actions are typical of someone who is just strong enough to cheat, lie an manipulate, yet isn't strong enough to face the consequences of their actions. She's spoiled. And spoiled means rotten...no good for anything or anyone, including herself. Spoiled means throw it away.

 

Inside of her, somewhere, is a person that probably once loved you deeply. Problem is, she doesn't love herself very much right now, which puts you way down on the totem pole. At the same time, she's occasionally bolstered by thoughts or encouragement that says she's entitled. That's a another lie of course, we alone are responsible for that, but she's holding onto hope that somehow, somewhere or someone will glide in and provide that for her. She's spoiled.

 

For now, concentrate on what's best for the kids and take care of yourself. Speaking of that, do you a favor and stop the questions. Her actions are what should be judged, and her actions stink. No more. Leave her alone. It's not helping.

 

She must commit 100% or there is no chance.

Edited April 7, 2011 by Steadfast

[dreamingoftigers]

At the very least expose him to his wife...

[KikiW]

I'm so sorry Decimated, but your wife has no interest in salvaging your marriage. If she did, she would have instantly showed you her emails, given you passwords, all that. You KNOW this.

 

Fight for custody of your children. Fight against extreme child support payments to her. Get the best divorce lawyer in town. Yes, it's expensive, but it will be worth every penny when she is out catting around with her "friend" and you have your children safe and sound.

 

Get the keylogger, like someone else suggested. Build your evidence, and give it all to the attorney. Do NOT bother confronting her anymore, she doesn't care and will not change. Protect yourself and your children legally as much as you possibly can.

[Windsurf66]

OP,

 

Good, keep up the pressure on her with your demands and questionings, until she breaks.

 

"In late February, I made an appointment with a attorney and told her if she didn’t say good bye to him forever…DNC, Fully commit to rebuilding our marriage, seek help in IC to start with, and hand over all passwords for her laptop and phone by the time of the appointment, 3:00 pm, I was filling for D. "

 

You should also proceed with the divorce. As you have made a threat before without following through with it, she has began to doubt you and probably respecting you less. Man up, and proceed with the divorce and see her reaction. She MUST comply with all your demands.

 

In addition, you have to act fast on the divorce, because you mentioned that the OM might be getting divorce as well. That whore (your wife) might be waiting to get together with the OM, and hence dragging everything out and refusing to let you see her email. Probably she is in discussions with the OM on their future, and she is waiting for him to D before she does it with you.

 

You should act fast to divorce her, and force her to hand over everything on the spot. Get the divorce documents ready, and after serving her and if she begs you not to divorce her, you can request for all passwords and log on immediately to check before she deletes them. If she refuses to hand over immediately, tell her that the divorce will proceed 100% eveb if she hands over later, and you will fight the most dirtiest and bitter divorce battle with her.

 

Good luck

 

btw, from the looks of things, your marriage and wife are gone already. Dun have too much hope.

[2sunny]

close her bank accounts and move all money to new accts in your name only. close her credit cards. take the keys to her car.

 

tell her to work more if she wants money. she should be working more anyway. she has too much time to think only of herself.

 

keep the house. in fact, tell her the bags are packed and she is out - change the locks while she's at work. leave her things on the curb. take your power back. it's not mean - she's been begging for this with her INACTION with the M.

 

serve her D papers - requesting 100% time with your kids.

 

get on it man, she's using you and disrespecting you big time.

 

stop ALLOWING it. i had to do this to my cheating H after 20 years of M. it was hard but i walked away knowing i was no longer his doormat - i had my self respect.

 

you have a chance to stop her from dragging you down. she's using you for a lifestyle she is too selfish to give up.

 

find a woman who appreciates you and your generous heart.

 

she's selfish and self centered... and no remorse or actions to repair what she ruined means she DOESN'T intend to DO anything differently.

 

kick her sorry a$$ out today. NOW. don't waste a minute more of your precious future.

 

make her head spin with what SHE has created...she's asked for it by not taking action = give her what she's asked for.

 

and don't go back- no matter how much she begs after she realizes she's uncomfortable without all the toys you shower her with. tell her to have her new BF provide things for her now.

 

NO MORE idle threats... DO the action you keep pretending to do... follow through - then she'll believe you. especially when you begin to live again!

Edited April 9, 2011 by 2sunny

[carrie999]

Work on yourself, your life, your goals. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst: a future without her.

 

Great advice. I'd only argue that the "worst" is a future without her. She sounds pretty malignant to me, OP. Besides the fact that she is incapable of honesty, she also sounds incapable of communicating, loving, or respecting anyone...including her own children, based upon what you said about her distance from them as well.

[Steadfast]

I don't make a habit of responding to what others post, but cannot wrap my head around those who advise this man to 'keep chipping away' for info. All that will accomplish is more strained silence from this woman. Besides, she's already admitted to an affair, has clearly shown that she can't be trusted, and living in a no-fault state means she could have had 20 'proven' affairs and fear no legal reprisal. Conversation here is pointless.

 

Base all decisions on actions, not words.

 

We all mean well Decimated, and want you to skip as much of the pain as possible. At this point, less talking equals less being lied to.

 

Your story is somewhat similiar to mine. However, I as the woman had an affair on my husband several months ago. My H reaction has been damn hard, and rightly so, I deserve everything he says to me. I really feel his pain everyday because of what I did to our marriage and three children. I tell my H every day how remorseful I am, and I pray that he believes me that I truly love him with all my heart.

 

I have lost the right for privacy, he has access to everything I have, he needs to know where I am going, who I am going out with etc. I have to demonstrate that I am trust worthy again.

 

Yes, there is a fog at the beginning, it may take several weeks for her to feel as though it has lifted.

 

She has to show that she is remorseful, and that she wants to rebuild her marriage with you, and she needs to tell her story of the affair, you need to hear all the details, it will be painful for both of you, but it needs to be told (or written). The lies will keep the affair alive, she has to face up to what she has done to you, until then there is not much to work on.

 

Wishing you the best of luck whatever you choose

 

Your husband is a lucky man moonlight. I have the deepest respect for your position. Reading these words from a (former) wayward wife gives everyone hope. With that kind of attitude, dedication and love, your marriage will be better and stronger than ever. Bravo to you!