Should I stay in this marriage?

[StayorGo]

Hi! I have been reading these forums for quite some time but never had the courage to join and post my story. I'm now at a crossroads in my life and would love some feedback. I have been with hubby for 10 years married 8. I love him so very much but I'm not sure it's enough anymore. He's a great father and has the potential to be a great husband but we have alot of issues that have never really been resolved.

 

He's lied to me so many times and I don't know if he can ever rebuild the trust that he lost so long ago. It's too long to list ALL our issues but the ones I just can't get over are the lies about money and inapproriate behavior when it comes to women and "old friends" on the internet. He hasn't cheated as far as I know but I have doubts about that too. Some of the things i've found sure do make me feel like I was cheated on.

 

Another problem is that he is in the military so it makes it even harder to work on issues and rebuild trust. I barely believe what he says when he's staring me in the face, how can I trust him while he's thousands of miles away? To be fair he has been working on things and there were no problems for a while. But then in January I found out that he was maxing out a credit card and hiding the purchases. He really went out of his way to deceive me. So in reality he wasn't really trying to change he just got better at hiding things. One lie just brings back all the bad memories from the past. I can't even confront him because he is deployed. I am convinced that he will never change and I don't know if I can deal with much more of this.

 

I try to make excuses that we were young when we got married but we're older now and he needs to grow up. So what do I do? He's deployed right now so I can't tell him how I feel. I don't want to upset him while he's over there. And that just builds more resentment because he can upset me whenever he feels like it and I have to just suck it up. I'm sorry if my post is long and all over the place. I just need some advice. My heart says he's worth fighting for but my mind says I give up. Please help. Thank you!!!

[Tizzy]

If you're prepared to have the rest of your entire life look as terrible (or worse!) as it has for the past 8 years, then by all means stay married. Me personally, I'd get the hell out of dodge.

 

He's a liar, probably a cheater, and he has zero motivation to change either of those facts. I couldn't live the rest of my life with someone like that. I need love, respect and honesty. Those are the basics for a marriage and this guy sounds like he has not a one of those. I say cut him lose. It'll hurt in the short-term but you'll be much better for it in the long run.

[StayorGo]

I know the way it sounds in my post makes him out to be a complete scumbag. And if that was all there was to him my decision to leave would be so much easier. But aside from the crap he pulls he is a very loving, affectionate, hard working guy. He's also a great father. I really don't think he's cheated because I probably would have found out by now. Sometimes I just think well if he could do this to me then he is capable of cheating too. Maybe I need to give him an ultimatum. Get help or get out.

[Tizzy]

He may be hardworking and affectionate but nothing you said about him sounds loving. You are in denial. You started off your post saying this guy has the POTENTIAL to be a good husband. You've been married for 8 years. You've been together 10. If he hasn't changed yet what makes you think he's gonna? I can tell you, HE AINT GONNA CHANGE.

 

You can continue to lie to yourself and say he's not a bad guy but you came on this board for advice and another perspective. My opinion is he IS a total scumbag and he is NOT LOVING and he will never be what you want in a husband. You have a decision to make. Accept him for the liar and possible cheater that he is, or don't accept that kind of treatment and stand up for yourself.

 

I suggest reading a book called "Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change" by Robin Norwood when you get a chance. Excellent book about relationships just like yours. Here's a spoiler: they never work! And she'll tell you why and what you can do to remove yourself from unhealthy relationships and keep them from reoccurring in your life.

[StayorGo]

I did come on this board for help and different points of views. And I appreciate any feedback given. I would appreciate it if you didn't call him a scumbag though. Maybe my posts come off like i'm a weakling but i'm really not. I didn't give all the ins and outs about our relationship because it's hard to do that on a forum. I understand what you're saying and I wish I could just walk away without looking back but it's easier said than done. Not to mention I can't leave him while he's at war.

[dreamingoftigers]

Hey,

 

Sounds kind of bleak but not unsaveable by far.

 

Perhaps looking at the book Divorce Remedy might be helpful.

 

I found the staff at the DB office to be quite helpful too in changing the dynamic in a relationship.

 

Hope things improve.

[StayorGo]

Hey,

 

Sounds kind of bleak but not unsaveable by far.

 

Perhaps looking at the book Divorce Remedy might be helpful.

 

I found the staff at the DB office to be quite helpful too in changing the dynamic in a relationship.

 

Hope things improve.

 

Thank you. I hope so too. Some days I think I want to save my marriage other days not so much. I wll check out that book. I don't want people to think it's been a miserable 10 years because it hasn't. We've had plenty of good years and that's what keeps me going. I also think he has PTSD and that has contributed to alot of our issues. And the internet stuff was years ago so he has changed in some respects. But he he even lies about little things so I think he needs professional help and if he doesn't get it soon I doubt there is hope for us.

[dreamingoftigers]

Another poster sent me a link about passive aggression.

 

http://www.angriesout.com/couples8.htm

 

Usually dishonest stems from that, my H and I both have poor communication.

[StayorGo]

Another poster sent me a link about passive aggression.

 

http://www.angriesout.com/couples8.htm

 

Usually dishonest stems from that, my H and I both have poor communication.

 

My H has alot of these characteristics. This gives me alot to think about. Thanks.

[dreamingoftigers]

A lot, a lot, a lot of people do.

[milwife]

I'm usually a lurker but I felt the need to respond to you. I'm a military wife also and am in the same boat as you-whether to stay and work on the marriage or divorce. My husband is also deployed and we've been married close to 7 years. We have had issues with infidelity ( twice ), lack of communication, inappropriate behavior online, etc. I've tried getting him in marriage counseling many times and he uses the excuse he doesn't want that on his military record. I understand that work has to come first for them but I would hope that their family is also worth fighting for.

 

I wish I had advice for you regarding what to do. My husband is deployed but he knows that I am my breaking point. I don't know how many times you have to tell someone you are unhappy with the way things are before they change and want to grow up. I just wanted to respond so you know that another military wife is going through the same thing as you and you are not alone. I hope that when your husband comes back that he's willing to go to MC and IC to get help.

[StayorGo]

I'm usually a lurker but I felt the need to respond to you. I'm a military wife also and am in the same boat as you-whether to stay and work on the marriage or divorce. My husband is also deployed and we've been married close to 7 years. We have had issues with infidelity ( twice ), lack of communication, inappropriate behavior online, etc. I've tried getting him in marriage counseling many times and he uses the excuse he doesn't want that on his military record. I understand that work has to come first for them but I would hope that their family is also worth fighting for.

 

I wish I had advice for you regarding what to do. My husband is deployed but he knows that I am my breaking point. I don't know how many times you have to tell someone you are unhappy with the way things are before they change and want to grow up. I just wanted to respond so you know that another military wife is going through the same thing as you and you are not alone. I hope that when your husband comes back that he's willing to go to MC and IC to get help.

 

Thank you so much. That is the same excuse my H uses and I understand it but if he wants this family he needs to suck it up. I'm sorry that you are going through this also but it is comforting to know that i'm not alone. I am (mostly) sure my H hasn't cheated because in this community it's pretty hard to hide it for long. But with everything else we've been through I can never be 100% positive. Knowing would make my decision so much easier. I hope your husband will do the right thing when he gets back. I pray both of them get back safely no matter what pain they have put us through. Do you have kids? We have two beautiful children and this decision affects them too. I wish my husband would have thought about that before he did these stupid things.

[Tizzy]

StayorGo, you mentioned your husband sounding like a scumbag. I only agreed with what you yourself said.

 

The title of your thread is "Should I stay in this marriage?" But it looks like you only want one answer to that question. I personally do not think you should stay in this marriage. It is breaking you down. You and your kids are suffering for it. i know from experience how hard it is to leave someone you love even when your relationship is really bad. I did leave and I have been so much better for it. So, been there done that. And I had a kid too so I understand the dynamics involved in that. Me and my son are much better off with me not being married to his dad. Hard decision but it had to be done.

 

Why wait another God knows how many years to see if your husband will change? You shouldn't have to wait on someone to change. You want a partner that is already everything you want. Who is already healthy and brings good qualities to the partnership. And before you can even begin looking for a partner like that, you need to be an emotionally healthy and positive person yourself. The fact you are with a guy like this signifies that you likely have issues of your own to deal with. I know this was certainly the case for me and by dealing with my own issues I am finally getting to a place where I can make better relationship decisions. That book I mentioned was the key to all this self-discovery. I urge you to read it soon if you have the chance. It was only $5 on ebay.

 

My posts are by no means an attack on you or your husband. I'm just calling it like I see it. No sugar coating here! What that man is doing is not right and you DO NOT have to put up with it. You don't have to "save" him, you don't have to make excuses for him, you don't have to wait around hoping he'll change. You have your own power to make decisions about YOUR life. I encourage you to make them, even the tough decisions and look out for your own best interests and not his. It sounds like you keep putting his needs first when you should be looking out primarily for your own. he is clearly not looking out for you in any way. Aren't you ready for a better life?

[milwife]

StayorGo, yes, we have two young children. My decision will affect them and our quality of life most definitely. I agree with Tizzy. It's hard to leave. I've been wanting to leave for a long time but have stuck around hoping my husband would change and realize what he has at home. After awhile, I realized that he's not going to change. After so many times of him being caught doing something and he promises the world and then never lives up to his words, it made me depressed, resentful and angry. No way to live at all. We deserve to be happy as well and to have someone who actually wants to be a husband. I haven't left yet because I'm a stay at home mom with no means to support myself or my children right now. I've made a decision, though, that I can't let that hold me back forever.

 

I hope that you can come to a decision on this. It's the hardest thing to do. Thinking of leaving a marriage after so many years is hard. My plan is to discuss this ( for the hundredth time ) with my husband when he gets home. He will get block leave when he's back and if he doesn't find a counselor or chaplain and set an appointment within a month, I will file for a legal separation. Where I'm at, we have to be legally separated for so many days/months. If within that time frame, he still doesn't do anything to really work on himself and the marriage- I'll have to file for divorce.

 

I pray you find the strength and courage to get through this deployment and your husband wants to work on the marriage with you.

[Tizzy]

It's likely life without him would be just as bad for you and your children

 

Sorry but I have to disagree with this. StayorGo, do not buy into this. Yes being a single parent is very hard work, but it feels SOOOOOOO much better not having to deal with the emotional toll of a partner who's not good for you. Your kids will grow up seeing the negative dynamic b/w you and your husband and believe me, that will affect them for life. If you don't believe me, read that book! Whether you ever say anything to them or not, they will see how this man makes you feel and will grow up likely repeating the relationship behavior you and your husband are modeling for them.

 

Life without a man is not a bad life or impossible. It's actually quite peaceful and empowering. And happy What it means is you have to step up to the plate, be an adult and take care of yourself and your kids. Women just like you do this every day. It can be done, it has been done, and YOU CAN DO IT! Don't let the thought of it overwhelm you.

 

If you decide to leave, come up with a plan, think about what you need to do to support yourself (ie job, housing, car, etc) and put your plan into action. Take it one day at a time and realize there are so many resources to help you. Your husband will still be able to see the kids, help out and do anything else he wants with them. Its not like he'll never be able to see them again. You'll just have the peace of mind knowing that you're not giving your all to a marriage that's not being reciprocated. Do not be afraid of letting that burden go. It is very freeing.

 

Girl, life is too short! There are too many other people out there who will treat you right than for you to have to wait on this one single person to be what you want him to be.

[StayorGo]

StayorGo, you mentioned your husband sounding like a scumbag. I only agreed with what you yourself said.

 

The title of your thread is "Should I stay in this marriage?" But it looks like you only want one answer to that question. I personally do not think you should stay in this marriage. It is breaking you down. You and your kids are suffering for it. i know from experience how hard it is to leave someone you love even when your relationship is really bad. I did leave and I have been so much better for it. So, been there done that. And I had a kid too so I understand the dynamics involved in that. Me and my son are much better off with me not being married to his dad. Hard decision but it had to be done.

 

Why wait another God knows how many years to see if your husband will change? You shouldn't have to wait on someone to change. You want a partner that is already everything you want. Who is already healthy and brings good qualities to the partnership. And before you can even begin looking for a partner like that, you need to be an emotionally healthy and positive person yourself. The fact you are with a guy like this signifies that you likely have issues of your own to deal with. I know this was certainly the case for me and by dealing with my own issues I am finally getting to a place where I can make better relationship decisions. That book I mentioned was the key to all this self-discovery. I urge you to read it soon if you have the chance. It was only $5 on ebay.

 

My posts are by no means an attack on you or your husband. I'm just calling it like I see it. No sugar coating here! What that man is doing is not right and you DO NOT have to put up with it. You don't have to "save" him, you don't have to make excuses for him, you don't have to wait around hoping he'll change. You have your own power to make decisions about YOUR life. I encourage you to make them, even the tough decisions and look out for your own best interests and not his. It sounds like you keep putting his needs first when you should be looking out primarily for your own. he is clearly not looking out for you in any way. Aren't you ready for a better life?

 

 

I appreciate your posts and these are things that I tell myself all the time. I am in IC and I am working on myself. I am not trying to "save" him, but I will be there for him if he decides to save himself. That doesn't mean I will stay with him but I will support him as a friend IF he is willing to get help. I am not making excuses for him but I am stating facts. I won't get into PTSD and the stigma of admitting it in the military but I know it has an effect on his actions and this marriage. The way you see him and base your opinions is from one angry and hurt woman's point of view and I just don't want people to think that is all there is to him. I agree with much of what you say and believe me I am taking it all in. I do not just want one answer. I need different answers from different perspectives and yours is just as appreciated as anyone else's. I will check out that book and who knows that might be all it takes for me to pack my bags. Thank you for taking the time to read my posts and giving me good advice and plenty to think about.

[StayorGo]

Milwife it is so much harder with kids. I know so many spouses like you who have no job and feel trapped. I'm happy that you are taking positive steps for yourself and your kids. Good luck with everything. I think you will be o.k. with or without your husband.

 

SummersEve we have talked about marriage counseling and when he gets back if he has any chance he needs to set up appts for IC and MC. I am already in IC and it helps but it's nice to get others opinions. I am leaning towards a legal seperation like MIlwife and still going to MC to see if there might be a future. Thank you for your input.

 

Tizzy I agree with most of what you are saying. I was a single teen mom so I know I can do it on my own. I am a nurse so financial security is not why I stay. I think this decision is so hard because of the kids. They love their father. Our daughter is not biologically his but he adopted her and he loves her like she's his own. When he gets back he will be here for six months and then it's off to Italy. If we do divorce we won't be going with him and it will be a long while before they will see him again. It's hard enough on them when he's deployed. Three years apart from their dad would be so difficult. It angers me that he has put me in this position. I think it's best that we seperate and maybe then he will realize what he had and what he has the serious potential to lose forever. If he gets help and is genuine about changing his lying ways, maybe we have a chance. If not then so be it. I did my best and that's all I can do. I can live with that.

[dreamingoftigers]

Have you heard of EMDR therapy for PTSD?

 

it is amazing and not talk about your feelings therapy.

 

Please have a look at it.

[IzzyB]

StayorGo: What Im hearing from you is that you arent quite ready to let go yet. And that is understandable. Quite honestly, until you have ruled out taking every step and trying everything that you can to make things work, you wont be able to make the decision and be comfortable with it. So having said that, you mention that you havent done mc and he hasnt done IC. I do understand military men not wanting it to go on their record so basically when he is home, if this is what he says, he can go to a private therapist. It is completely confidential and no one has to know. There are plenty of therapists who do sliding scale if money is an issue.

 

It sounds to me as if he has addictions; ie. a debting addiction and a porn addiction and maybe more. Addictive behavior is addictive behavior. Quite honestly whether or not he already cheated isnt even an issue here as the other behaviors are disruptive enough to cause you pain and anger and total mistrust. PTSD is certainly a part of it and increases addictive behaviors but they exist completely separately from causing the addiction itself. I like someones suggestion to do EMDR and also look into EFT which is a tapping body/mind work that is also very effective for treating trauma.

 

Your husband does not sound at all like a scumbag, he sounds like a very loving and caring man who cant seem to get his **** together no matter what. So in the long run, if he cant get his **** together and take care of you guys and be honest, then the love part doesnt matter - its simply not enough. In fact, it would be an easy decision if you didnt love him so much and he didnt have so many redeeming qualities wouldnt it?

Remember that anyone who posts on this board and answers questions comes from their own framework and sees things through their own experience, hence someone who has been badly wronged may respond to you quite differently than another person who has worked thorough things. Only YOU know what is right for you. And obviously you arent yet sure so take some measures to protect yourself and find the answers you need.

 

I would encourage you to let him know that its either counseling or separation when he gets back. He needs to know how serious you are or he wont make the changes. And if you dont demand more from him, you are in fact enabling him.

Regarding the credit card bills and finances - he needs to relinquish the cards to you and sign an agreement with you that he wont take out any more even under his own name. If he isnt willing to do this, then know that he isnt willing or able to follow through on the rest. Debting is serious and he has already put your family at risk through his inappropriate finances. If it were me, I would also tell him up front that he needs to sign an agreement that any future debts that he incurs he is solely responsible (notarized), as divorce in most if not all states goes after either spouse for debt incurred by the other. The likelihood of him agreeing not to use cards and then signing up for a few secretly is very high and you dont want to get caught with further debt. Also, if he chooses to lie and do this again, you will have covered your azz.

 

Please do NOT underestimate the extent that a person with addiction issues will go to and protect yourself. This is in no way a judgment of any sort of your husband, just simply a fact.

 

Good luck and take care of you.

 

Izzy